02x01 - Ransom

[bunniefuu]

Wouldn't it be crazy
if this plane just...

[Screaming]

Last season on "Wrecked"...

- We crashed, man!
- We're all gonna die!

- Hey, no one is gonna die, okay?
- [Screaming]

All the airline food
and first-aid stuff...

- It's all just gone?
- It's a real nut punch.

The worst kind of
punch... Right on the nut.

Owen: We are one step away
from living like apes.

Why don't we go hunting?

And when it comes...
Boom, boom! [Laughs]

[Imitates wind whistling]

[Imitates g*n f*ring]

- [Roars]
- [Screaming]

Florence: I think we need an election.

The new leader of the island... Steve!

We're creating a new society.

Who's to say what sort of legal
system we should be using?

I just figured we'd do it like on
"Law & Order."

Yeah, I like that show.

Throw him in the pit!

This is effed up! You freaks!

I've done unspeakable things.

Whatever you did, it can't be that bad.

- I ate a dude!
- Holy sh... wow. Okay.

We are all slowly
dying on this hellhole!

[Bleep] you, island!

[Screaming]

I'm sorry!

We're not leaving the island!

- [g*nsh*t]
- [All gasp]

Did he just k*ll Turdhole?

- I stuffed up, okay?
- [Sobs]

- There's a ship!
- We're saved!

[Cheering]

The truth is we're not
actually fishermen...

We're pirates, mother [bleep]

[Screaming]

- Danny Wallace?
- You don't know who this is?

His family's worth billions!

Seriously, you need to come with us

or we're going to sh**t
all your friends otherwise.

[Waves crashing]

Son of a bitch!

I'm taking another sh*t.

Hey, come on, d*ck.

That's not the way the game's played.

I'm sorry, Jerry.

Did I not bail your company

out of a $ million
cluster [bleep] last year?

You did.

- I'm sorry. I-I-I-I didn't hear you.
- You did.

Well, then if it's okay
with you two jagwagons,

I'm gonna take another sh*t.

[Clears throat]

- Dad!
- [Grunts]

God damn it, Margot!

I was right in the middle of a sh*t.

It's Danny. They're
calling off the search.

♪

Well, that's that, then.

What? Dad, what if he's still out there?

I'm not paying for a waste of time.

He's your son.

I've been losing money on your brother

since the day he was born.

Frankly, that plane going down

was the best thing that
ever happened to our legacy.

[Scoffs]

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I got to go fish my ball
out of a g*dd*mn lake,

like some kind of itinerant [grunts]

- Dad?
- [Grunts]

- Oh, my God!
- Holy sh*t! d*ck!

[Clank]

Oh, thank God.

[Somber organ music plays]

I am so sorry for your loss, Margot.

Thank you, Tom.

I don't mean to pester,

but there's still the
matter of the will.

I need to know how you
want me to classify

the disappearance of your brother.

Tom, my father just passed.

It can wait.

Of course.

As for my brother...

I know in my heart of hearts

that somewhere, somehow, he's alive.

Danny! Get over here now

or I'm going to shove this
g*n up your assh*le! Whoo!

- [Rapid g*nf*re]
- [Laughs]

Get in the boat, or I'll k*ll everybody!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You know, I think that this is
all just a big misunderstanding.

Yeah, Danny is not the
son of a billionaire.

Wh... What are you talking about?

Look at him.

You don't let yourself go
like this if you've got money.

Right? I mean, look at his shoes.

Nobody chooses shoes like these.

- Ah.
- Look at his teeth!

They're all crooked and yellow.

These are poor-people teeth!

- Also, Danny is fat.
- What?

Not like an, "I love life" fat,
but like a fast-food fat.

You know what? Shut the [bleep] up.

We know who you are. Tell him.

It's true.

- What?
- Really?

- Cool? We good?
- [Chuckles]

Come on.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

IF you're going to take him,

you're gonna have to k*ll me first.

Oh! I didn't think this through!

Please don't k*ll me! Oh, God!

Somebody help me, somebody help me,
somebody help me!

Get ready to die.

You're gonna have to k*ll me first, too!

- For real?
- For real.

You're gonna have to k*ll me first,
then him,

and then you can take Danny.

You'll also have to k*ll me first,
too, as well.

God, okay. You know what?
Who else wants to die?

Let's get that out of the way.

Anyone?

[Whispers] Todd.

[Quietly] No.

- [Whispers] Todd.
- No.

Todd!

Oh, God damn it.

Fine, me too, I guess, after them.

Put me down, too. I'm ready to die!

- All: Yeah.
- I can die.

Okay, okay, everyone just...
Just... just chill out!

Just give us a second to talk, okay?

Yo, man,
what the hell's wrong with this island?!

This is very unsettling, okay?

I don't know that I feel
comfortable executing,

- what, like, people?
- And I got to be honest with you.

I don't have enough b*ll*ts in
the g*n to handle this mission.

What? Damn it, man.
This is why you can't be popping off.

Well, I'm sorry.

No, you're not sorry,
'cause we have the same talk.

This is... This is me being sorry!

I have a plan.

- Whoa!
- No, no!

Are you crazy?!

You pull that out,
they're gonna g*n us all down.

Yeah, not if I get them all in a row.

Boom...
one sh*t right through all their heads.

- What?
- It could work.

- Thank you. That would never work.
- Todd: It might work.

- That is a dumb idea.
- They'd have to be in single file.

- We're not doing that.
- Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom!

Here's what we're gonna do, all right?

We'll have to get back in the dinghy,

then we go to the boat,
then we get more b*ll*ts...

This is a logistical nightmare, man.

- It's very embarrassing.
- Yes.

Jess: They're not at all
how I pictured pirates.

Yeah, I know. Where's
the friggin' parrot?

- Neither one of them has a sword.
- Yeah, no sword.

They're not cartoons. They are
like "Captain Phillips" pirates!

- Mm, no.
- Uhh, sorry to break it to you,

but "Captain Phillips" was just a movie.

It's a true story.

I think you're thinking of "Sully"?

Hanks was good in both.

- Yeah, Hanks crushes every film.
- Of course he was.

Of course he was, but shut the eff up.

- "Road to Perdition."
- Wow.

Listen, and you're not gonna like this,

but I think we need
to call the Barracuda.

What? No! No, this was supposed
to be a simple snatch and grab.

Well, it's not! Okay, I didn't
want to tell you this before,

but look over there at : .

You see that? You see that?

- Is that a body?
- Yes, that's a body.

And look, it's fresh.
There's still blood on it.

What is wrong with these people?
What, are they murderers?

[Grunting]

What are you seeing? Who's sh**ting who?

Shut up. Just keep still, you big tree!

Okay. They've got big g*ns... Please!

Karen! Sorry. Sorry.

They look soft. I think we should...

We could make a run for it.

People whilin' out here, man.
I'm getting creeped out!

- Oh.
- What?

- Look.
- What?

Oh sh*t!

Are there people in that hole?

Are there people in that hole?

There's hole people?

Oh! Oh, they've seen me!

- Okay, let me down! Whoa!
- [Thud]

- There's hole people.
- They have hole people. We ain't prepared for hole people!

I think we need to call the Barracuda.

Okay, fine! Fine. No popping off.

All right, everybody, listen up!

We were gonna be real nice to you guys,

but now it's gonna get messy.

We're going to have to bring
in our boss... the Barracuda.

- [Gasps]
- Very cool name.

- Y'all in trouble now!
- [All gasp]

♪

[Dire Straits' "Money
for Nothing" plays]

[No audio]

♪

[Engine sputters]

[Engine stops]

[Backfires]

[Grunts]

[Bleep] sh*t.

Ugh.

What's she gonna do?

Danny: She gonna jump in the water?

[Screams]

She's in the water.

[Screams]

Oh, that's gonna be bad.

- All: Oooh!
- sh*t!

[British accent] Jet ski's acting up.

- I hate that thing.
- They sold us a lemon!

- You know, that was a bad choice.
- We should not have...

- We shouldn't have bought...
- We should get our money Ba...

She's so hot. She's so hot.

Now, what seems to be the problem?

- This.
- [All gasp]

Either you take us all home,
or I blow your head off.

W-What is she doing?

What are you doing?
Owen, what is she doing?!

I don't know, man.

[Gasps]

[Gasps, groans]

[Groaning continues]

You're not afraid to die.

And if I sh**t you,
then your men will g*n us down.

So, what you're saying is,
I should just give you the g*n

and then pray that you let us live?

♪

[Breathing shakily]

- [Sobbing]
- [All murmuring]

- What a bitch.
- I'm so sorry.

Ladies, gentlemen,

I am the Barracuda,
and this is my island now.

But that means you're my guests.

No reason we can't be civilized.

I mean, she's, like, glowing.

- It's confidence, is what it is.
- Yeah.

You.

The doughy one.

You're hurt. Bandana,
tend to his wounds.

t*nk Top, prepare my quarters.

Who's the dead man?

Th-That's Turdhole.

His name is Turdhole?

Y-Yeah. Yeah.

That's hilarious.

[Sighing] Oh, my God.

Who k*lled him?

♪

[Grunts]

Oh, God! They're coming!

Pretend we're dead!

- [Screams]
- [Thud]

♪

This is a mass grave.
Everybody, play dead!

Get up.

Damn it, Karen! You blinked, didn't you?

[Sternly] Get up.

You...
You k*lled the one they call "Turdhole"?

- No.
- Yes, you did.

He came at me, all right?! He was crazy!

I didn't have any other option!
It was either him...

You will dig Turdhole's grave
and give him a proper burial.

You two, let's talk.

Thanks for not playing dead.

The way I see it,
we all want the same thing...

You want to get home.

I want to ransom Danny
here for $ million.

$ million? [Scoffs]

A lot of money.

I've been in the pirate
game a long time,

and I'm tired.

My ship is old, and my men are stupid.

I don't even bother to
learn their names anymore.

I just call them by
whatever they're wearing.

This ransom is my ticket out,

and there's no reason to complicate that

by k*lling everyone, is there?

I don't think so. No, there's not.

We'll call your father,
and after he sends the money,

we'll have you picked up here...

All of you.

I mean, that works for me. [Laughs]

Danny?

He's not going to pay.

- What?
- What now?

You think this is the first time

d*ck Wallace has been blackmailed?

He doesn't negotiate with t*rrorists.

Let's see if he makes an
exception for his only son.

Capri Pants, my phone.

[Whispering] He's got Capri pants on.

[Whispering] I saw.

[Beeping]

[Horns honking in distance]

[Intercom beep]

Woman: Excuse me, Miss Wallace?

You have a call.

It's for your father.

This is Margot Wallace.

Then there's been a mistake.

I'm looking to speak
with a d*ck Wallace.

I'm so sorry, but my father's dead.

He, um... [clears throat]

d*ed in a golf cart expl*si*n.

What? Dad's dead?!

- Danny?!
- [Bee]

Margot, it's me! I'm alive!

- I...
- [g*n cocks]

Danny! Danny, where are you?

I'm sorry to hear about your father...

but not as sorry as you'll be

if you don't meet my demands.

What? What... What demands? Who is this?

$ million, wired to my account,

or I sh**t your brother
right between the eyes.

How do I know it's really him?

Ask him something only
your brother would know.

Um...

Danny, when we were ,
I ate a bad meatball

and accidentally
vomited into your mouth.

Do you remember what you said?

I said...

[Italian accent] "Man,
that's-a spicy meatball."

Oh, my God, it's you! Oh, my God!

You're alive! Ready the funds.

- We'll call in an hour.
- Wait, wait, wa...

[ Phone beep]

Looks like you are going home.

Let me get this straight...

When Danny's sister pays the ransom,

- we get rescued?
- Yeah.

And it's all because his shitty dad

exploded in a golf cart?

Pretty much.

That's amazing!

- [Screams]
- We're going home!

- Finally!
- [Cheering, laughter]

Well, that means...

maybe we can go back to Scottsdale.

It's the greatest city in the world.

[Laughs, sobbing]

Can you believe it,
buddy? We're going home.

My dad's dead.

♪

I mean, he was an assh*le,

but he was still my dad, you know?

[Voice breaking] I'm
never gonna see him again.

[In rhythm] Burn in freaking Hell,

- Danny's dumb dad!
- Todd!

Thanks for the ride, pal!

- Whoo, whoo!
- Todd!

What? Oh.

Sorry, Chumbo.

Karen: O-Kay.

We're ready to bury Turdhole.

Steve finished digging the grave.

[Scoffs] Took him long enough.

I mean, four hours to dig one hole?

It's ridiculous.

God, I once buried a Maine co*n cat

in minutes flat.

pounds, this thing.

You would not have believed it.

[Rhythmically] A hole through his torso,

a hole in our hearts.

Turdhole, dead from a b*llet...

Back to a hole, from a hole he came.

Next up, Turdhole in the sky...

Okay, thank you, Chet. Okay, thank you.

Thank you so much for that poetry.
Yeah. Hell yeah.

I'd like to say a few words...

about Turdhole, if that's all right.

I think you said enough with your g*n,

you dumb kiwi bastard.

- [Spits]
- [All agreeing]

Hey, hey, hey. He's clearly sorry, okay?

Let's just... Let's just hear him out.

- Steve?
- Thank you.

[Inhales deeply]

I'll never forgive
myself for what I did.

Turdhole was the best of us,
and I robbed him of his life.

[Sobbing]

[Voice breaking] But
as the saying goes...

"People don't k*ll people. g*ns do."

- You serious?
- [All groan]

Why is everyone yelling at me?
What about Karen?

Karen didn't m*rder someone
in cold blood, you d*ck.

Plus, Karen gets us food.

Happy to do it.

Sorry I got weird back there, g*ng.

Pack: Okay. Well, that's very sad.

But I think we should
put Turdhole to rest.

I'd like to say, uh...
a few words, I think.

Turdhole's death was unexpected,
to say the least,

but this one... really hits home.

I didn't know Turdhole well,
but I know that some of us

had a, uh...

a complicated relationship with him.

He was cold, distant.

Maybe he never told us
that he was proud of us,

and maybe it felt sometimes

like he wanted us to be a
different man altogether.

And now that he's gone, you know,

it may feel like we'll
never be able to say

some of the things that we
always wanted to say to him,

but I know that, deep down...

underneath it all that...

That Turdhole loved us, so...

Okay, I think we've
spent enough time here.

Why don't we roll Turdhole
in this ditch, huh?

- Oh.
- Yep.

[Grunts]

Hold on, what the hell?

Uh, guys, you're gonna want to see this.

- [All murmuring]
- Oh, my God! Are those...

Yep, n*zi symbols,
tattooed all over his body.

The Nazis famously hated the Jews...

- k*lled a ton of them.
- We know, Karen!

- Yeah, thank you!
- Oh, my God, there's more down here.

What? Ugh.

- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, God!

That looks like Calvin,

from the famous comic strip
"Calvin and Hobbes,"

except now he's wearing an SS uniform

and peeing on the word "non-whites."

- Holy shitballs.
- Wow.

Turdhole was a n*zi.

How did we not see this?

Hey Turdhole.

Heil.

That means I didn't
k*ll an innocent man.

[Chuckles] I k*lled a n*zi!

You hear that? I'm not a m*rder*r!

- I'm a hero!
- [All disagree]

- Still a m*rder*r.
- You didn't k*ll a n*zi.

You k*lled a guy who
happened to be a n*zi.

- Nah, it's the same thing.
- Pack: It's not the same thing.

- I'm like a w*r hero!
- You're definitely not a w*r hero.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

It's time.

[Phone beeps]

[Ringing] It's ringing!

Shut up.

This is Margot.

It's been an hour. Do
we have an agreement?

I actually have a counteroffer for you.

I'm listening.

How about instead of $ million,

I give you this...

[Fart]

[Fart continues]

[Fart stops]

[Farts]

- [Scoffs]
- Was that a fart?

You're damn right it was a fart.

And that's all that
you're getting from me

because I'm not paying
you a g*dd*mn dime!

[Farts]

You think we won't k*ll him?

We'll k*ll him right now!

Oh, I hope you do

because I just talked
to our lawyer, Tom,

and it turns out, if
Danny comes back alive,

he's entitled to over
half of my fortune.

What? No. I'm not sharing with Danny!

The best part is that Tom can't say sh*t

because of a little thing called
"attorney-client privilege."

Isn't that right, Tom?

I loved your father.

Shut your old man face!

Margot, please! Don't do this!

[Mocking]Margot, please. Don't do this.

You're such an idiot, Danny!

When your plane went down,
all I had to do was

get rid of Dad and the money was mine.

But you said Dad d*ed in
a golf cart expl*si*n.

After I poisoned him!

I gave him the heart att*ck,

and then he d*ed in a literal expl*si*n.

It was so... awesome.

And now the money's mine.

[Laughs]

Bye!

[Dial tone]

So... there's been a setback.

We will no longer be ransoming Danny.

So, then, that means you guys

will be on your way, or what?

[Scoffing] Oh, no.

I've invested too much into this.

We're staying, and we
are going to r*pe...

[All gasp]

- this island...
- [Sighs of relief]

Oh, yeah, that's fine.
For all it's worth.

We'll start by salvaging the plane,

and then we'll figure out what
to do with the rest of you.

Until then, we're just gonna
have to learn to live together.

Bruce: We can do that.

Or we can take this
island back right now!

[All gasp]

Oh, sh*t!

[All screaming]

Oh, God!

Oh, my God!

[Screaming]

Anyone else want to try something?

- No, no, no, no, no, no!
- I'm good. I'm good. I'm good.

'Cause I'd hate to have
to tell your n*zi hunter

to dig another grave.

♪

I'm a n*zi hunter! [Chuckles]

It's official!

[Bruce groans]