02x07 - Cruise-ifornication

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Wrecked"...

I've been looking everywhere for you.

I'm just hanging out with Florence.

That boat leaves, we die here.

The pirates... are gonna k*ll us!

So we'll split up, take
'em out all at once.

Oh!

- Ow!
- Ooh!

My friends and I are going home.

[Cheering]

♪

♪

♪

[Red Hot Chili Peppers'
"Give It Away" plays]

♪

♪

[Cheering]

Well, all right. Let's
give it up once again

for Scottsdale's number-one
Chili Peppers tribute band.

That's the Red Scot Chili Peppers.

[Cheers and applause]

Hey, Cruise-ifornication,
are you having a good time?

[Cheering]

Now, a little later on, we're gonna have

the reggae stylings of the Dread
Hot Chili Peppers for you,

and they're gonna be taking us

[Jamaican accent] undah de bridge, mon.

[Man coughs]

[Normal voice] That's just
a Jamaican character I do.

Now, coming up next, we've
got the funkiest Hebrews

this side of Israel, and
that's saying a lot.

Give it up for the Red
Hot Chili Schleppers!

[Cheers and applause]

Shalom, my funky brothers!

[Machine-g*n fire]

[Screaming]

Herd them up and take the ship!

[Screams, g*nf*re]

[Glass shatters]

♪

[Screaming, g*nf*re continues]

♪

Florence: What?

The pirates came here on a cruise ship?

Specifically, a Red Hot Chili
Peppers tribute cruise?

"Featuring the soulful
funk of Flea-vie Wonder"?

- Ohh.
- Holy sh*t.

Who would pay for this?

No [bleep] way!

Is this Cruise-ifornication?!

Aah!

I've been on a wait list for
this thing for, like, two years!

Oh, my God!

Bang bang bang!

Wang-a-dang blang!

Blang-a-wang bang dang!

Oh, yeah! Hell, yeah! So tight!

♪

Looks like the radio's out.

You really think you can
drive this thing, Bruce?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

This gal's just like my old
bass boat on steroids,

except her balls ain't shriveled up.

You know what I mean?

- I do not.
- Yeah.

I just need a couple of men

to help me get the
engines up and running.

A couple of men, or one Dream Team?

Actually, I think I'm gonna go

help Florence search below decks, so.

What? Don't you want to
get the ship started?

This is how we go home!

It's just that's she's already
kind of waiting for me,

so, um... [smacks lips]

Fine.

I guess, leave the real
work to the Big Three!

[Laughs]

Who's the Big Three?

It's me, you, and Bruce.

Have we ever been in the
same room together?

Well, we are now.

The Big Three! We're going home!

Okay, perfect.

Well, I will let you guys get to it.

Hey, don't worry about us, Owen.

Me and these two twinks will get
us up and running in no time!

- Nuts! [Laughs]
- Oh, God!

- Oh, my God.
- I'm coming for you next.

♪

Ooh, check it out!

Ooh!

- Buy you a drink, milady?
- [Laughs]

♪

Holy sh*t!

♪

Looks like The Barracuda's
got a second Sea-Doo.

Or a Flea-Doo.

God, they really leaned on
those puns, didn't they?

Gentlemen, time to treat this
ship like the lady she is.

Ignition on.

[Inhales sharply]

All right, Danny. Pull on that lever.

Pulling the lever...

Easy this time.

[Low rumbling]

Pack, give them pod controls a nudge.

Nudging... and I'm nudging...

- [Rumbling grows louder]
- Holy sh*t, is this working?

There's only one way to find out.

Full throttle.

[Rumbling continues to grow]

Shush! Shut up! Shut your yappers!

- [Rumbling]
- You hear that?

It's the engines.

We're moving!

Oh, my God. We're going home!

Oh, my God!

[Cheering]

Hell yeah!

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

[Indistinct chatter]

Chet: Anybody know where
they keep the extra shampoo?

- [Sabrina's "Boys (Summertime Love)" plays]
- ♪ Boys ♪

♪ Boys, boys, boys ♪

♪ Boys, boys, boys ♪

♪ Boys, boys, boys ♪

♪ Boys, boys, boys ♪

Yeah, I smoked this one.

My body's made up of % hairs.

Chet, did you just take a shower?

Yeah. There's one in, like, every cabin.

- Get out of the way!
- Showers!

[Indistinct shouting]

Oh, my God.

Oh!

Oh, my God.

Come on.

[Squeals]

Holy Mother of God.

Oh, beds!

Oh, my God, beds.

Oh, my God.

This is the nicest room
that's ever existed.

Oh!

It's a dream.

Ooh, wait.

Oh, sorry! I'm sorry.

- No, no, no. I just... I want to.
- Okay?

It's just a got to
scrub this down first.

Yeah. I am also very, very filthy.

So I will go scrub down my ding dong.

Wow.

I don't know why I said that.

Okay. I'm gonna go.

Yep.

[Laughs]

♪ Boys, boys, boys ♪

♪

[Song ends]

Oh, come on!

[Indistinct chatter]

Hey, did the showers not
work for you guys, either?

What the hell? Oh, the showers
worked for some people!

Them!

[Laughter]

[Gasps] Owen!

Oh, no.

[Whispering] My ding dong!

[Indistinct chatter]

Well, nice work, idiots.

The running water tanks are
completely tapped out.

So that's it? There's no more water?

Well, the pirates must've
kept it at a low level

and rationed it.

Unlike these hogs.

- Hey!
- [Gasps]

Everyone had the same
chance to take a shower.

It's not my fault you were too busy

playing with yourselves to take one.

Hey! Babies, there's plenty
of bottled water downstairs!

We can use that to wash our...

We don't know how long
we're gonna be out at sea.

That water is for drinking.

Pick it up!

Yeah. Yes, ma'am.

Well, that's just great.

Hope it was worth it for you people.

[Scoffs] Um, what do you
mean by "you people"?

You know exactly what I mean, bitch.

- Whoa, hey!
- Guys, guys, hey!

Come on! Okay, this
shower thing sucks, okay?

But we can't start turning
on each other now.

I think we should head
down to the mess hall.

We'll get some food in us.

We'll sit down in some chairs.

- Huh? Chairs?
- I love chairs.

Okay, we'll feel much better.

Let's go. Come on.

[Fog horn blows]

So, what's the plan, Bruce?

Well, I'm not normally one to
advocate for international trade

'cause I think every g*dd*mn thing

should be made in America...

land of the free, home of the brave.

But if we was to find an
international shipping lane,

we could flag down a ship.

I think that's our only hope.

That's a good plan.

Man, Owen and the rest
of them are missing out.

The three of us up here,
wind in our hair...

We're like Vikings.

Right. I'm one of those
classic Indian Vikings.

Hold up.

You're Indian?

Yeah. I mean, I grew up in
Chicago, but I'm Indian.

Why?

Well, I think I should
tell you something.

Here it comes.

♪

My sister-in-law's Indian.

What?

Yeah! Man, let me tell you.

Y'all know how to throw a wedding.

I mean, that bhangra dancing music?

[Imitating b*at] I mean,
I was sore for a week!

You went to an Indian wedding?

Oh, yeah, yeah. My
brother's real crunchy.

He went full Hindu.

I had to wear one of them...
what is that long, purple thing?

- A sher...
- A sherwani?

A sherwani! I was all up
in that sherwani, son.

- [Laughs]
- You couldn't get me out of it.

[Laughing] Yeah!

♪

My God.

It's a feast for kings.

We got cocktail meatballs,
sweet potato mash,

succotash, and a shitload
of creamed corn.

Good thing the toilets still work.

So, we were just talking,

and we should probably
get our food first.

You know, those of us
who showered, I mean.

Just 'cause, you know,
the rest of you guys

handling food, I don't know.

It doesn't seem hygienic, right?

Makes sense to me.

Come on. You can't be serious.

Look, Owen, no one's saying

you guys are second-class
citizens or anything.

You're right. No one is saying that.

Right. Totally. We agree.

Come on, Cleans. Let's hit it.

Coming through.

Owen, if you want to... yeah.

I'm just gonna come in here.
Don't touch! Hmm.

Bruce: All right. So, picture this.

So I'm there in the mandap

sweating my ass off from the, the...

- Yeah? The sacred fire!
- Sacred fire, yeah.

Listen, man, I know! The
outfits are beautiful.

- They just don't breathe.
- Why is that?

- I don't understand.
- Talk to someone about that.

Hey, you didn't do a baraat
procession, did you?

Son, I was leading the damn horse!

- [Laughs]
- I was like, hop on in.

Guide it, guide it,
guide it, guide it.

Giddy up, giddy
up, come on.

Yeah, and... and I bet the
bathrooms were packed!

What do you mean?

Well, 'cause of the
Indian food, you know?

Gives you the squirts.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

That's a pretty gross
generalization, dude.

Oh, I... I was just saying that it...

You know, with the, um...

I really like naan bread.

Hey! Danny, do you mind going downstairs

and grabbing us some grub?

I feel like we got it from here.

- Right, Bruce?
- But the ship...

It's really a two-man
operation at this point.

Plus, it's getting so crowded up here.

[Seagulls crying]

Cool.

Thanks.

Talk about naan-starter, am I right?

Oh, you got to give me up for that.

- [Laughs]
- Oh, damn.

[Indistinct whispering]

Where are you guys going?

Oh. We just think it's
best if we eat upstairs.

Oh.

Okay, we can get some chairs and...

No, dude.

Just us.

Seriously?

Can't we all just eat together?

Uh... no, Owen. We can't.

- Because you people reek!
- Todd!

I'm sorry. It's the truth, though.
Come on.

Of course it's the truth.
They're disgusting.

But, you know, they're
still our friends.

Well, every time I'm near them,

all I smell is the stink
of that island...

the foulness, the death,

Karen's B.O.,

all the random dumps everywhere!

Don't you people get it?

You're covered in filth!

And I can't stand it!

My God, I mean, the women
smell like the men,

and the men... You smell
like horse people.

I'm sorry.

I can't go back there.

Come on.

♪

You coming, Florence?

Florence.

♪

[Sad violin playing]

♪

Who is playing that?!

I found it upstairs.

Well, can you stop?!

[Sighs]

Will someone pass me a spoon?

Do we not have utensils?

The Cleans took them all!

No. We are not animals.

I am going upstairs.

I am going to get us some silverware.

We will have some dignity!

♪

Suit yourself.

♪

Hey, man!

We got the ship running!
We're going home!

Yeah, we felt the engines. That's great.

It was my idea to find a shipping lane,

and Pack was all like, "No way, bro!"

- And I was like...
- I'm sorry, can this wait?

'Cause I have to go now and
get our spoons and our forks

from the g*dd*mn shower people.

The what?

I know, right? Can you
believe that sh*t?

[Cheerful violin playing]

[Haughty laughter]

Mmm.

[British accent] How
is your food, darling?

[British accent] It's excellent.

And how are you, Roger?

[Indistinct chatter]

[Sniffing]

Oh, he's filthy.

[Upper-class accent]
Sir, can I help you?

Sir? It's Owen.

Tell you what, my man.

Be a good sport and go
back to your own kind.

"Your own kind"?

Todd, you sound insane right now.

Wait, what is... Are these desserts?

So is this why you guys have
been sneaking upstairs?

Well, there simply wasn't
enough for everyone, so...

So you just decided to hoard
it all for yourselves?

You guys take one shower,

suddenly you think you're
better than everybody else?

Well, you're not. These
belong to us, too.

Sir, just come with me, please.

Okay, stop calling me sir, you weirdo.

Give him hell, Chetsworth!

♪

[Haughty laughter]

Look! It's as if he's
covered in fessies [feces]!

[Haughty laughter continues]

Good God!

Pick yourself up, my man!

Come on!

Oh, oh, oh!

[Haughty laughter]

Shut up! You sound like "The Purge"!

Oh, come now, Florence!

We were just having a little
fun with the boy! [Laughs]

I guess dessert's cancelled.

[Haughty laughter]

Are there no forks?

Who gives a sh*t?

It's weird.

I should be psyched
that we're going home,

but this thing whole thing
with Owen and Florence,

it's like, what the hell?

You know, suddenly, he's whipped?

I'm like, "Hi!"

Remember me, your old best friend?"

And now, I just had to watch
Bruce and Pack become besties.

I mean, it's weird.
They're a weird pairing!

They shouldn't be friends!

I just kind of feel
like the odd man out.

♪

I'm sorry.

I think I just needed to talk it out.

Thank you for listening, Karen.

Hmm?

What?

Were you talking to me?

Yeah, I was talking to you!

Weren't you listening?

Nope.

But you were nodding your head!

You were looking at me the whole time!

Oh, no.

No, I was counting every pea I ate.

It's good to know how many I can take in

before I need to make some more space.

[Stomach gurgles]

Oh, boy.

Wow.

Looks like the number's .

[Farting] Here we go.

All right.

Okay.

♪

- Owen, wait!
- Leave me alone.

I don't want to get my
"island stink" on you.

No, listen! I'm really sorry.

Well, whatever. You're
clean, I'm clearly not.

What... Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah.

Mm.

[Laughs]

♪

Is that better?

That's...

Oh.

- That's good.
- Thank you.

- Okay.
- [Laughs]

Wait a minute.

I think I know how to
put an end to this.

The g*ns?

What? No! Oh, my God!

Oh, yeah. Um, what do you mean?

Come with me.

I'm telling you, he shaved
half of his head off!

[Laughter]

Oh, man. I got to be
honest with you, Bruce.

I was wrong about you.

How do you mean?

Well, I thought you were
a certain type of guy.

And it turns out you're
a lot more, you know.

You know, and... and to think that

if we hadn't landed on that island,

we would've never gotten the
chance to know each other.

I'm glad that we did.

Amen to that, brother.

- Yeah.
- Right there.

Hey, you know what my favorite part

about being on that island was?

Lay it on me, Big Bruce.

There wasn't a single [bleep] Mexican.

Yep, there it is. I'm
gonna get some air.

All right. Sounds good, lil' buddy!

I'm here when you need me.

[Peaceful violin playing]

♪

Anyone up for a round of chair polo?

Owen: Hey! Shower people!

Oh!

God, no!

Gah!

[Whistles]

[Dramatic music playing]

♪

Make them unclean!

[Screaming]

♪

♪

Hey!

♪

[Somber music playing]

♪

Sorry, Todd.

We've come too far to be divided now.

♪

[Normal voice] You're right.

[Grunts]

Hey, was I speaking with
an accent back there?

Yeah.

Sorry I smashed corn down your cr*ck.

[Normal voice] That's okay.
I didn't hate it.

♪

You and I... We are same now.

What's wrong with you?

Did you hit your head?

[Thunder crashes]

[Rain falling]

Look!

Showers!

♪

Hey, are you okay, dude?

Oh, yeah!

I'm Shawshankin' bro!

Aah!