"And baggy the bag
"Filled his tummy
full of groceries
And was the happiest bag
in all of bagville."
Boy, you didn't see
that one coming, huh?
Kind of makes you think,
doesn't it?
Okay. That's it.
Daddy, read us
another one.
Aw, come on.
Honey, is dinner ready yet?
It's : , jim.
All right,
I'll read you another one,
But I get to pick the story.
Okay.
Okay, daddy.
All right, this one's
called "baggy...
And the sports page."
Look.
The chicago blackhawks
b*at the calgary flames
once again in overtime.
Where's baggy?
He's coming. He's coming.
Oh, quarterback trent green
is still questionable
For sunday's game
against the titans,
Said baggy.
Hah!
Oh, baby.
Oh, honey,
we're out of milk.
Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry.
Dana finished it last night.
Dana? What am I supposed
to use in my coffee?
Wow. I bet this would
be great without coffee.
I want some, too,
daddy.
Me too.
Oh, look, a mother sparrow
feeding her babies.
Morning, everybody.
Hey, you ready
for your blind date tonight?
Oh, I canceled.
What? You were
so excited about it.
No, he's a loser.
You say that
about every guy
you go out with.
No, no, no, this time
it's not me. Listen.
♪ Wicky, wicky, wicky ♪
♪ I'm larry lawrence, cpa ♪
♪ You can't talk to me
'cause I'm away ♪
♪ Go, larry, go, larry ♪
* Go, go, go, larry *
Oh, god.
Yeah. It gets better.
Uh, if you'd like
to leave a message
For my mother, uh, press .
I can't believe
what my life is coming to.
Aw, dana, you know,
I know it's frustrating,
But you have
to stay open
Because when you
least expect it,
Mr. Right
will come along.
That's what happened
for me.
Oh, my god.
Hey, that's my bacon.
Hey!
I'll bring home
some bacon tonight.
Home?
You do know you don't
live here, right?
Dana, would you please
help me get the girls
Ready for school?
Oh, sure.
And would you mind
taking your toothbrush
Out of my bathroom?
You didn't use it,
did you?
Not on my teeth.
Hah.
Honey.
What?
Be nice to dana.
She's having a rough time.
She hasn't met
any guy she likes in months.
Because she's always
in my kitchen eating
my food.
The only guy
she's gonna meet here
is captain crunch.
I mean, come on, honey.
She's here
even on the weekends.
The neighbors think
I got two wives.
You set them straight,
didn't you?
I'll get to it.
Look, honey, soon
dana will meet somebody
And then
we'll never see her.
Well, I hope it's soon
'cause it would really
be great
To have a nice quiet
meal with my immediate
family.
Huh, buddy?
Oh. Oh.
How many times do you
got to tell me to fix this
Before I just do it?
Jim...
It's on my list.
Okay.
Hey, jim, I think
something's wrong
With the scale
in your bathroom.
It seems to be stuck
on .
Hey, dana. You know what?
I heard that there was
a truckload of single guys
Just turned over
on the expressway.
If you hurry up,
you might be able
To grab one
while they're still stunned.
Why are you
in such a bad mood?
Aw, dana was over again,
moaning and groaning
How she can't find
a decent guy.
You know, your sister --
There is nothing
good enough for her.
Oh, tell me about it.
The glass isn't half-empty.
It's the wrong beverage.
Hello, boys.
Hey, gabrielle,
what's shaking, baby?
Pretty much everything.
Hey, how about two
of those delicious
breakfast burritos?
And, andy,
what are you going to have?
Ha. You boys are
the highlight
of my day.
Aw, so are you,
my darling.
You know, andy,
I can't understand
Why dana can't find
a decent guy.
I mean, look around.
This place
is crawling with them.
Yeah, it's a meat market.
She should come down here.
Yeah?
That would require
Moving her ass
off my couch.
What about that guy?
Uh, he doesn't pop for me.
What about
that guy there?
Yawn.
Hold it.
How about that guy?
Yahtzee!
Whew.
Cheryl,
why can't I find someone?
Is it me? Am I ugly?
Oh, no, honey.
You're beautiful.
I know.
Hey.
Hey...oh.
Ahem. It's on the list.
There is no list,
is there?
No. Dana, just the person
we were looking for.
We have a surprise
for you. Andy?
Say, jim.
Yeah, andy.
What's feet tall,
broad-shouldered
And named
nick devlin the welder
Who we're fixing
dana up with tonight?
Gee, I don't know, andy.
That's not how we practiced it
in the car.
We did it a couple
of different ways.
No, no, no,
I am not doing this.
I am not going out
with any of your
idiot friends.
Dana, look,
you're looking
for a guy.
I found a guy.
He should be here
any minute.
Oh, I'm so
out of here.
Dana, why don't you just
give him a chance?
Because, jim,
the last guy
you set her up with
Tried to pay the check
with candy.
Cheryl,
she's gonna like him.
Andy, isn't she
gonna like him?
I don't know. Do you like
rainbows or sunshine
Or...your destiny?
I'm sorry.
I'm not interested.
I'm leaving.
Yahtzee!
Huh? Cheryl?
Oh, my god, jim.
He is gorgeous.
I got to hand it to you.
You have really done it,
But you know what?
While I'm thinking
about it,
This porch light
is too bright.
On the list.
Beer?
Sure.
Did you hear that?
What?
The sound
of dana not here.
Ha ha ha.
Now all I've gotta
do is get rid of you.
I hear that.
Hey, what are you
doing here?
I thought you'd be
out with nick.
Oh, I am.
He's cooking steaks
in the backyard.
He needs paprika
and some pruning shears.
Pruning shears?
Yeah,
when he's done cooking,
He's going to turn the hedge
into a squirrel for the kids.
Ooh, topiary.
Honey, my steaks?
I wanted to cook them
tonight for you
and the kids.
Who fixed that?
Nick.
Honey,
I was gonna do it.
No, you weren't.
I know.
I just thought dinner would be
a nice way to thank him.
I gave him your sister.
Isn't that enough?
Come on, honey.
I just want to have
a nice meal
With you, me,
the children.
I know, honey. Look,
we can have steaks again
tomorrow night.
Steaks again?
Well, we can have
steaks every night.
We'll just go out
to the steak tree
And pull it off.
Cheryl, you got to see this.
Nick's infusing the steaks
with a papaya-mango
reduction.
What?
Oh, hon --
honey, look, I know
This isn't what
you had planned for tonight,
But look -- dana is so happy,
and it's all because of you.
You know, you don't put
fruit on steaks.
Look what nick made.
♪Tthe camptown ladies
sing this song ♪
♪ Doo-dah, doo-dah ♪
♪ The camptown racetrack's
miles long ♪
♪ Oh, de doo-dah day ♪
♪ G'wine to run all night ♪
* G'wine to run all day *
♪ I bet my money
on a bob-tailed nag ♪
♪ Somebody bet on the bay ♪
[ Laughing ]
See you later.
Thanks again.
Dinner was great.
I so enjoyed your playing.
Drive safely.
Honey, you live here.
Bye, nick!
[ Mockingly ] bye...
[ Laughing ]
oh, my god.
Nick is so much fun.
Ha ha. You know,
I'll say it again, jim.
You have really done it.
Nick is a terrific guy.
You know, usually,
the good-looking ones
Don't have
much personality,
but nick! Ha ha.
And did you hear
his story about mining
diamonds in africa?
I heard, cheryl.
I was sitting there,
Trying to get the taste
of fruity meat out of my mouth.
Honey,
what's going on with you?
Nothing. Nothing.
Let's just go to bed.
Wait a second.
What?
You're making
the first move.
You haven't
made the first move
Since I took you
to that gladiator movie.
What gladiator movie?
"Gladiator."
Well, honey, I'm sorry.
I just thought maybe
we could make love.
Cheryl, some guys can
have sex when they're upset.
I...am one of those guys.
Wait a minute.
Are you in love with nick?
What?
I mean, if you are, honey,
if you are,
Just say so and I'm out of here.
I'll pack my bags.
Where are my bags?
We don't have any.
We never go anywhere.
Oh, well,
I bet nick's got bags
With the little wheels
on it probably, huh?
For god's sake, jim.
Really, I want you
to be happy, okay?
Really. Just say the word,
and I'm out of here.
I mean,
you just got to show me
How that bank stuff works,
that's all.
Well, all right,
just make sure you empty
all your drawers,
Including the one
with those tapes
You don't think
I know about.
You know about those?
Oh, yeah, honey.
While you're at work,
My stewardess friends
come over
And we watch them
while we have pillow
fights in our panties.
I knew you did that!
Come on!
I mean, I saw
the way you talked to him
And laughed with him,
Sang with him.
"Camptown races" --
There's no racetrack
miles long, okay?
Okay, honey. Look,
Maybe I have
a little crush on nick.
[ Sighs ] crush, huh?
It's just
a harmless little crush.
It's not like I'm gonna
run away with him.
I mean,
how can i, honey?
We don't have any bags.
All right. Okay.
Okay.
I'm not threatened
by this at all.
Oh, I know.
Okay.
Oh, yeah.
In fact, I'm fine.
I know, sweetie.
You know, it's just
a harmless little thing.
I know, honey.
♪ Doo-dah, doo-dah ♪
There you are.
You talking to me?
Is there another wonderful
person in this room?
No.
Jim, I can't
thank you enough
For getting
me and nick together.
I mean, I know
I was resistant,
But when you're right,
you're right.
So...this is
just a little thank you.
Wow. Montana steaks --
My favorite
frozen mail-order meat.
So you like it?
Yeah.
Thanks.
Oh, don't thank me.
It's actually from nick.
Great.
I'm not gonna eat it.
No, that's
exactly what he wants.
Probably
filled with fruit.
Jim, what's the matter?
I'm just sick of nick.
Nick in the morning,
nick at noon,
Nick at night.
Jim, you have to admit nick
is a pretty outstanding man.
Do you realize
your sister
has a crush on him?
Yeah, of course I do.
That doesn't bother you?
No, I love it
when cheryl likes stuff I have.
Does it bother you?
Me? Are you kidding?
Ha ha. I'm fine.
I mean, why would she go
for hamburger
When she can have
salisbury steak?
Ha ha.
Oh, you're serious.
I want
to marry nick.
No, I want
to marry nick.
No, I do.
Nobody's marrying nick!
Beer?
Man, my wife's got
a crush on somebody.
It's me, isn't it?
No, it's russell crowe.
She liked him in that, uh,
What was that movie
where he played a gladiator?
"Gladiator"!
Why can't anybody
remember that title?
"Gladiator"!
"Gladiator"!
Jim, calm down.
You're like my dad
after a couple of drinks.
Why?
I'm not wearing a dress.
Shut up.
[ Laughing ]
No, no, she's got a crush
on dana's boyfriend nick.
He's always in the house.
She's talking to him
all the time.
Oh, this guy's
in your house?
Yeah.
That's bad.
Yeah.
Well, you're the one
that brought him here.
I know,
and I can't do anything
Without looking
like a jealous fool.
I'm screwed.
All right, as cheryl's brother,
I'm neutral, but as a man,
I think you got to play
the jealousy card here.
I don't know.
No, come on. Let her know
about one of your crushes.
Yeah, jim, that way
you keep things even.
Nice -- kind of
restore the balance, huh?
Yeah. All right,
but she's got to be hot
Like --
like judy jetson hot.
So who do you
have a crush on?
I don't know.
Let me think for a minute.
Oh, I know.
How about that girl
on the channel news?
Oh, yes.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, no, no,
but the security's
going to be tightened.
She doesn't know me.
Oh, I know -- gabrielle
from that lunch wagon.
Oh, no, no.
Unh-unh, jim. No.
W-why not?
Gabrielle is my crush,
and I ain't sharing her.
No law says two guys
can't share the same
crush.
Right.
Maybe not now,
but years ago
We'd have jousted
over her.
Come on, andy.
Years ago,
You were wearing curly shoes
and a bell on your hat.
, , , .
Oh, there's cheryl.
Okay, you remember the plan?
I memorized the plan
and ate it.
You didn't write it down.
Then what'd I eat?
Cheryl. Hi, honey.
Hey, kyle.
Oh, hey, jim.
I'm starving.
Yeah.
How about some lunch?
Sure. Where
do you want to eat?
Why don't we eat
right here?
Or we could eat right over
here at the roach coach.
Next.
Hey, sunshine,
how you doing?
Hey, slim.
Hi, gabi.
Hello, bean burrito.
What's
the catch of the day?
You mean
besides you, dimples?
Aw, you want me to blush?
Because I'm gonna blush.
Ha ha ha.
Uh, how about
two cheeseburgers
and a bean burrito?
And what are you guys
going to have?
You are a card, huh?
Oh, I'm the joker,
and I'm wild.
You card. Ha ha ha.
Hey, i-i'm sorry, cheryl.
I'm sure this probably
makes you uncomfortable.
What, the card joke?
Aw, sweetie,
that was never funny.
Hey, whoa, calm down.
Hey, you're getting
a little out of hand
here,
Don't you think?
What goes on
between me and gabi
Goes on every day.
I mean, you know,
it's harmless.
It's like, you know,
like you and nick.
Really?
Yeah, it's nothing.
You know,
I don't think it is, jim.
Huh?
You may not
realize this, but...
This woman is trying
to steal you away from me!
Hey, I'm not trying
to steal him --
Oh, please.
I'm a woman, too.
I see what goes on here.
Cheryl --
you want him.
Cheryl, come on.
Everybody is staring
here.
I'm the boss.
I can't have
Two women fighting
over me.
I no want him. He's just
a -burrito lunch to me.
Hey, you know,
I save one for later.
Oh, yeah?
He belongs to me.
Honey, please.
You want him? You're gonna
have to fight for him.
Abort. Abort.
Why don't you come down here
and try to steal my man?
Stop hiding
behind that window,
Because I am
crazy with jealousy!
Oh, please, cheryl, cheryl,
please, please calm down.
Please, honey,
it's nothing.
Is that what you wanted,
sweetie?
I'll see you at home.
All right, guys,
show's over.
I'm sticking
with the wife.
Hey.
Hello.
So, uh,
what's for dinner?
I don't know.
I was thinking
maybe...
[ Spanish accent ]
bean burritos.
Ha ha. Very funny.
She doesn't even
sound like that.
Oh, come on, honey.
If you were jealous,
Why didn't
you just talk to me?
I tried.
Oh, when? When you were
packing up your p*rn
In your
imaginary suitcases?
Honey, those are
relationship videos.
Honey, it's just
a harmless crush.
You have them
all the time.
Oh.
Oh, I do, do i?
Oh, yes,
you do, do you?
What about the blond cashier
at the supermarket?
And there's also
the news lady
on channel .
Oh, oh, and there's the girl
at the liquor store
Who calls you
"mr. Need-a-penny."
You know about them?
Honey, I'm your wife.
I know what you know
before you know you know it.
Hey, what about --
She moved.
She did?
I liked her.
So you see, honey,
we're even.
Oh, cheryl, come on.
We'll never be even.
Look at you,
look at me.
Beauty and the beast.
I mean, you know,
Honey,
sometimes I just --
I don't know
what you see in me.
Oh, honey.
I-i see
a funny, sexy man
Who loves his family
and is a great dad.
Yeah?
Oh, jim,
you never have to worry.
Honey, you are
the only man for me.
Really?
Yeah.
Until russell crowe
shows up on our doorstep.
Then I'm dropping you
like a sack of potatoes.
Dana: hi...
Oh.
Well,
nick and I are over.
Great.
I mean, oh, no!
What happened?
Apparently,
nick's moving on.
He said something about
the international space station.
I don't know.
Figures.
I finally meet
the perfect guy,
And I've literally driven him
off the face of the earth.
Dana,
you'll find somebody.
No, I won't. I'm gonna
die alone with you guys.
No, no, no, no.
Come here, dana.
Come here.
You're gonna meet
a guy out there one day.
You will.
But you can't just
give up, you know?
That's the crazy thing
about life,
Is you never know
when it's going
to happen,
But you got
to get out there
And jump back out
on that horse.
You just want me
out of the house.
Oh, yeah.