03x04 - A Game of Chest

[bunniefuu]

I'm going to break you

and watch you hunt each
other to the death.

- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
- Aah!

Errol's bracelets can
deliver up to , volts

of just the touch of a single button.

- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
- [ALL SCREAMING]

Must be a short circuit.

Jess!

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS]

♪

- Ahh!
- [LAUGHS]

♪ We comin' to paint the town ♪

- [GIRLS SQUEALING, LAUGHTER]
- What up, hookers?

This is my sister Caitlin L.,

and this is my sister
Caitlynn with two N's.

If you're here, it's because we
think you've got what it takes

- to roll with Phi Gamma Phi.
- [GIRLS SQUEALING]

But we've got one more test for you

before you're officially in.

Hope you b*tches are ready
to ride the lightning.

- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
- Who's up first?

- [EXHALES SHARPLY]
- Oh, my God, Alison.

I can't believe we got into Gamma Phi.

This is literally the
best day of my life.

[LIQUID SWISHES]

I mean, it's, like, I can just
see the next four years...

- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
- Gamma Phi,

Captain of the color guard team,

graduation, and then,
L.A., here I come.

Oh, my God. Do you think you'll meet

- Nicole Richie?
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES] GIRL: Ow!

Probably. I mean, I
will be a publicist.

- But the most important thing...
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]

is getting out of Arizona.

And it looks so good having
Gamma Phi on your résumé.

Mm-hmm.

It's like the most prestigious
sorority in the whole country.

- You're up, donkey slut.
- ♪ We gon' own the night ♪

Phi Gamma Phi sister till I die!

♪ We gon' own the night ♪

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

[GROANS]

[BODY THUDS]

TODD: Babe? Time to wake up.

Hey, buddy, I think you've
slapped her enough.

What if you just let her rest for a bit

and maybe she'll wake up on her own?

Oh, I'm sorry, Owen.

- Are you a doctor?
- Okay.

Are you a doctor?

How about you three numbnuts?

Did you go to med school together?

Todd, you know none of us are doctors.

You're damn right I do!

So shut your non-doctor yaps

and let me slap my wife awake!

Good morning, my little caged beasties.

You son of a bitch.

You're lucky my arms are too
jacked to fit through this cage,

or I'd be choking you out right now!

Oh, yes. Your wife.

Has she recovered from
her little shock?

Well, for your information, she's...

Pbht! Kidding.

I really don't give a goose's
queef about you or your wife.

I'm here because I wish to
speak with your leader.

All right. Don't worry, guys.
He's not gonna break me.

I'm just glad I'm the one
that's gonna have to...

Oh, God, no, not you.

I wish to speak with your leader.

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS]

Him, with the mustache.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Steve?!

You think that Steve is the leader?

And why is that so hard to believe?

I don't know.

'Cause you got your
pants on backwards?!

What? Oh, no, not again.

Okay. Well done. One to you.

But to be fair, they look the
same no matter how you...

Oh, no, yours are gray on the...

All right, well...

- Oh! My God!
- Oh, my God!

- Jesus, man.
- You see, Owen,

one quality of a great leader

is being able to admit
when one makes a mistake.

- [PANTS ZIP]
- How can I help you, Declan...

other than k*ll you for
murdering my best friend?!

There it is.

That's why I want to speak with you.

Take him upstairs.

Well, don't worry about me, g*ng.
Worry about him.

Or what's left of him
after I've done "unh"!

Aah! That's actually hurting my arm!

That's a little tight
on the side there!

What the hell am I supposed to do now,

just sit back and watch
my wife be all... floppy?

I mean... look at her.

Yeah, it's too bad we don't
have any smelling salts.

♪

We might not have smelling salts,

but we've got one better...

Toots!

I wake Jess up like every
night by beefing in bed.

Are you saying that you're
gonna wake her up with a fart?

That's exactly what I'm saying,

unless one of you doctors disapproves.

Hmm? You? Tall doctor? Blondie?

Dr. Quinn?

Scraggle hair? Beard? No? No?

Great!

Then let's fart my wife awake.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

DECLAN: Normally, this
is the part of the story

where the villain removes
the hero's restraints

to show that he's not afraid of him.

I'd like to see you try.

- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
- Aah!

[BODY THUDS]

[GROANS]

But that's the thing... Steve.

I am afraid of you...

because you're the only person here

that I think could actually k*ll me.

And, frankly, I'm intrigued.

Well, let's see just how
intrigued you are now.

- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
- Aah!

You get how this works, right?

I mean, I'm just gonna
keep shocking you

every time you do that.

I mean, you're... you're
just illustrating

why I didn't take the bracelet
off you in the first place.

Illustrate this, you rich bastard.

- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
- Aah!

- [GROANS]
- Are we good?

Okay. I get how it works.

I have a proposal for you, Steve.

But first how about we play a
little gentleman's game...

of chess?

♪

Everybody, zip it! I'm almost ready.

All right, we got to make
it like we usually sleep.

Danny, put her arm around me.

Put the blanket over us.
Come on. Hurry.

All right, shut up! Everybody, shut up!

[GRUNTING]

♪

- [FARTS]
- [EXHALES SLOWLY]

- Ohh!
- [GAGS]

- Come back to me.
- [WHIMPERS]

Come on, babe. Come on, baby.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

[GASPING]

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

OWEN: Oh, my God!

Hell, yeah, babe!

- Come on!
- [WHIMPERS]

Where... Where am I?

Where are the Caitlins?

Why does it smell like corned beef?

Babe, calm down...

Hey, back away from me!

Relax. It's us... your friends.

My friends?

My friends are Alison,
Tiffany, Tall Tiffany,

and sometimes Kylie, when
she's not being a bitch.

I've never seen any of
you freaks in my life!

Oh, my God.

Her brains are scrambled!

Allie?

Tiff? Tall Tiff?

Where are you?

Seriously, this isn't funny.

Hey, hon, why don't you tell us
the last thing you remember?

Uh, duh. I was standing in
the grand hall of Gamma Phi,

I did a lightning sh*t,
and then I woke up here.

Is this off-campus?

Now, could someone please
let me out of here?

I have to get ready for the
Cowboys and Indians party.

That's the night we first met.

Oh, God bless.

She thinks she's in college.

That's why she doesn't remember me.

She's gone completely...

pre-Todd.

Let me handle this.

[WHIMPERS]

Jess, buck up 'cause
here's the hard truth.

You were in a plane crash.

We landed on a deserted island

where we were captured by
sexually frustrated pirates.

We stole their cruise
ship, but it sank,

and now we're being held c*ptive
by a deranged billionaire

who wants us to hunt each other

so he can watch and
presumably masturbate.

Wait. Karen, no. Karen, come
You're upsetting her.

- Get...
- Okay.

[WHIMPERS]

- Hi.
- Hi.

- I'm Owen.
- Hi, Owen.

I'm kinda the leader of the group.

Here's the deal. You're not .

You are actually...

.

[LAUGHS]

Okay, I see what this is
part of the initiation.

Hey, Caitlin L., come out
now, you stupid bitch!

Get me away from these weird townies!

[LAUGHS]

Jess, it's true. See for yourself.

I'm sorry.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

♪

Aah!

I'm so old!

Ah, chess.

It truly is a magnificent
game, isn't it?

A thousand strategies
of att*ck and defense,

all with the same simple goal...

- To k*ll the king.
- [CHESS PIECE THUDS]

I'm sure you can relate to
that, can't you, Steve?

But the thing with chess

is you always have to think
five steps ahead to ca...

What does the horsey man do again?

What?

He's faster than the others, but
I can't remember whether...

Does he move forwards and
backwards whenever he likes?

No, that's the rook.

Oh, you mean the castle.

Yeah, no, they don't move.
They're made of brick.

Do you not know how to play chess?

Of course I know how to play chest.

It's not "chest." It's
"chess," with an "s."

I'm pretty sure it's "chest."

Why would it be called "chest"?

Because you get a chest
of treasure when you win!

- What?!
- I'm sick of...

Let's stop mucking around!
I'm making my move.

I pick up and levitate
my priest character.

He then swims through all the
prawns into your castle.

Now, he's an undercover priest,

so he seduces your queen in
the middle of the night,

after a dinner.

Okay.

- [CHESS PIECE THUDS]
- King me.

Why don't we do a little refresher?

- [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS]
- And then we can get back

to our game of chest.

Chess!

Chess!

So, you're telling me
that I live in a condo...

in Scottsdale...

with him?

Hell, yeah, you do. 'Sup?

What about L.A.?

Do I at least do P.R. in Scottsdale?

Kinda.

You were a Red Bull girl

till I drove your car into a Dumpster.

I blew that big old can

right off the top. [CHUCKLES]

So, I basically graduated
college, and I did nothing?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You didn't graduate.

You dropped out and moved
to the 'Dale with me.

- What?!
- Yeah.

I got that sick job offer from
my dad's real-estate company,

and you don't have to work,

so you basically sit around
all day doing nothing.

Oh, my God.

I need to be alone.

No. Wait. Jess!

Oh, my God. She has lost it!

She can't even remember
her kick-ass life!

I just want the old Jess back.

[SIGHS]

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, my God. I can't believe
I didn't see this.

You have to "Notebook" her.

♪

What, like... slap her with one?

- Oh, no.
- What? No. What?

- No!
- The movie.

When old Rachel McAdams
loses her memory

and so then old Ryan Gosling
tells her the story

of how they fell in
love to get it back.

Maybe if you tell her
a story like that,

she'll get her memory back.

That could work. All college
girls love them some "Notebook."

So, think, man.

What's, like, the most
romantic memory you got?

Easy.

My buddy Tug Nut's bachelor party.

He had a Slip 'N Slide on the roof,

landed in a baby pool

full of some naughty
little Jell-O sh*ts.

- What?!
- Yeah.

Was Jess even there?

Well, you didn't say
she had to be there.

- Unh!
- Oh, wow!

Ugh! Of course she has
to be there, Todd!

What do you want?

You want to know about the first time

that I knew that I loved her?

- Yes!
- Yes!

That's literally what we're saying!

- Yes!
- Okay!

Stop sh1tting yourselves! Okay!

- I'll tell you!
- [SOFT MUSIC PLAYS]

It was the first time that I
took her to a golf course.

It was a Sunday.

She looked so beautiful
in that morning light.

Wait.

Don't tell me.

Tell her.

I told you I don't know a "Bennifer."

Well, is Britney still with K-Fed?

'Sup, Jess?

I was wondering if I
could tell you a story,

the story...

of us.

Uh, are you trying to
"Notebook" me right now?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

Because I love that movie!

- [ALL EXHALE HEAVILY]
- Told you.

Sick.

It was the summer of ...

[SEAL'S "KISS FROM A ROSE" PLAYS]

two weeks before we
moved to Scottsdale.

I'd never taken a girl with
me to the golf course before.

♪ There used to be a greying
tower alone on the sea ♪

TODD: Babe.

Babe!

♪ And you... ♪

- Sorry.
- I said club me.

Just listening to our song.

One... that's not our song.

Our song is "Blurry" by Puddle Of Mudd.

Two... if you want to hang
out with me on the links,

you have to pay attention
to the... Wait.

A muscle-back wedge with
the grooved clubface?

That's...

the perfect club for this sh*t.

Well, yeah, you're gonna
want to get some spin

if you want to get
over the lake, right?

It's not like I'm gonna hand you
a cavity-back like some idiot.

Babe, you find a new way to
amazing me every single day.

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYS]

Oh, that is so cute!

Flo, shut up. I haven't even
gotten to the good part.

Now watch me crush this sh*t.

[CHUCKLES]

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

♪

- I love you.
- [GRUNTS]

- Oh! God damn it!
- [WATER SPLASHES]

What are you doing?!

I told you not to talk
while I'm swinging it!

I literally just told
you I loved you, Todd.

Well, maybe you could
have waited until...

Oh, I don't know... after the sh*t!

- After the sh*t?! Are you kidding me?!
- I was having an incredible game!

Oh, my God!

Oh, no.

You just think you can
do whatever you want.

What I want is for you
to hand me a dang club.

- Oh, one of these clubs?
- Yes.

Huh? Yeah. How about this one, huh?

You're going the wrong way.

Say goodbye to your iron, bitch!

- What are you doing?!
- Aah!

No!

[LAUGHS]

No! Wait. Hey!

I bought these for you, you assh*le!

- God damn it!
- Unh! Get off me!

Aah!

- [BOTH SHOUT INDISTINCTLY]
- Sir, sir...

- What?!
- Maybe you should just calm down.

What are you doing?

Step off, you old [BLEEP]
Don't touch him.

I-I thought he was bothering you.

You're bothering me. Scram,
you old sack of potatoes,

you nasty, wrinkly old...

♪ Baby, I compare you to a
kiss from a rose on the... ♪

That was when you knew you loved me?

Hell, yeah. When you swept
that old fart's legs,

I knew you were the one.

Oh, my God. You literally
turned me into a monster.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you married me.

We're married?

- [GASPS]
- Yeah. A couple days ago,

on a Red Hot Chili
Peppers cruise ship...

My dream wedding.

You. You ruined my life.

I never want to see you
again, so just go!

- Get out of here!
- Get out of where?

We're locked in a cage!

Then go hide in that toilet, you turd!

The only turd here, it's you!

[BOTH SCREAM]

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYS]

[SIGHS]

Sorry you're going through this.

It's a lot to take in.

Shhyeah.

I just had this dream of how
my life would turn out.

I'd be a successful publicist.

I'd be married to Mark
Hoppus from blink-

and have two kids named
Buffy and Angel.

None of it turned out the
way I thought it would.

I had dreams, too.

I figured this would be the year

I'd make Variety's Top
Agents Under

Without a Sexual Harassment Lawsuit.

[SIGHS]

What's Variety?

It's just, like, the most important
show-biz magazine in Hollywood.

Everyone who's anyone reads it.

It's, like, really big in L.A.

[GASPS]

You live in L.A.?

Hey, Danny, quick question
about "The Notebook."

Does Ryan Gosling end
up k*lling himself

because he's lost everything?!

I don't know how you got her
in the first place, man.

That story was awful.

Not for me. It friggin' ruled.

Exactly. It ruled for you.

All of your stories are about you.

Your entire relationship is about you.

[SCOFFS] So, what?

You're saying I should...

Do something nice for her, you moron!

How am I getting this before you?

I know one stupid-ass thing
she'll friggin' love.

But I'm gonna need your help.

- Jumba...
- Hmm?

Can you sing baritone?

I don't know.

[DEEPLY]
♪ Can I? ♪

Okay, so... so... so, you've
you've got it now?

You... You know all the pieces?

I'm with you %.

Good. All right. So, where was I?

[MUTTERING] You have to think
five steps ahead and...

- [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS]
- So, tell me, Steve.

What will you do with your next move?

Capture one of my pawns?

Or will you keep your
eye on the main prize?

Easy. I will move my king.

Nope. Nope. That's your queen.

It can't be. It doesn't have boobs.

No, it doesn't have boobs!
None of them have boobs!

None of them have boobs!

How many times do I
have to tell you that?!

Jesus Christ!

I was trying to use
chess as a metaphor!

A metaphor for what?

To tell you that I have
placed a sizable bet

on you winning The Hunt.

I was trying to give you an edge.

[SIGHS]

What makes you think
I want to help you?

Because you want to k*ll me,

and the only way you're
ever gonna get close enough

is if you win The Hunt.

We hunt the winner.

Guard! Could you please take him away?

You have, like, the perfect life.

Hey, Jess, I want to
say something to you.

Ugh. What is it now?

Hit it, Danny.

One, two, three, one, two.

♪ Ba-da-da, da-da-da-da, da-da ♪

♪ Ba-ya-ya ♪

[OFF-KEY] ♪ There used to be
a greying tower ♪

♪ Alone on the sea ♪

♪ You became the light
to the dark side of me ♪

♪ Love remains a drug that's
the high, not the pill ♪

- ♪ But did you know ♪
- ♪ Know ♪

- ♪ That when it snows ♪
- ♪ Snows ♪

♪ My eyes become wide ♪

♪ And the light that you
shine can be see-ee-n? ♪

♪ Baby! ♪

♪ I compare you to a kiss... ♪

- Okay. Thank you.
- Yeah? What?

You can stop now. Oh. Nice.

Did it work? Do you remember me?

No.

But this is really sweet.

But I still don't know who you are.

I don't even know who I am.

I just know that...

I can't be your wife.

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYS]

♪

I'm sorry.

I guess today's the first day

of me trying to win you back.

Cool.

It's the coolest.

See ya.

Hey, man, you did everything you could.

[LAUGHS]

Oh! You don't deserve that cool hat!

Steve, what happened?

[SIGHS] Well, nothing much.

He just wanted me to play this
stupid game that he made up.

It's about a king and a boobless
queen and some horse people.

Do you mean chess? Oh, my God.

Guys, did you even know

that I was the chess state
champion in high school?

It should have been me in there.

But would you have been
able to swipe this?

What is that?

It's a priest character from the game.

- You mean a bishop?
- Well, yeah, whatever.

My point is, I risked
my life to steal this.

What the hell are we
supposed to do with it?

I don't know. Pick a lock with it or...

- What?!
- Come on!

- Ohh.
- Steve!

Okay. You had no plan? You
just grabbed whatever?

This could be our ticket out of here.

There wasn't anything else
you could have taken?

Yeah.

No, it was a room full
of objects, so...

There was a Kn*fe.

- [BLEEP]
- What?!

There was a radio in the corner.

- Steve!
- A radio?!

- Yeah.
- Oh, my God!

And there's the remote

for these buzzy bracelets.

- Come on!
- Oh. Steve.

You're the dumbest person!