02x90 - The Missing Christmas Mustache

[bunniefuu]

Merry Christmas, everyone. Love you all.

- All the best, Nathan.
- Love you too, lad.

Don't ever change, Nate.

Oi! Before you go, I have
one more Christmas surprise for you.

- [JAMIE] Strong guy!
- [TOGETHER] It's Roy!

Yeah, yeah. One of my presents
to Keeley is that I'd stop by

and say **** Merry Christmas to you lot.

So Merry **** Christmas.

[TED] Well, jingle my bells.
It's Roy Kent.

[GASPS]

What's the matter?
I got something on my face?

No, Ted, that's the problem.
There's nothing on your face.

Your mustache is gone.

[SHOUTS]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

Quick, anyone got a mirror?

Here you go, Coach.
I've always got a mirror.

Oh, no.

I'm supposed to FaceTime
with Henry in an hour.

He won't recognize me
without my mustache.

It's gonna ruin Christmas.

Don't worry, Ted. We're on it.

Everyone, split up and
find that snot mop.

Boy, I hope they find it.

I really wanted this Christmas
to be perfect.

[SWITCH CLICKS]

Sorry, Ted. We looked everywhere.

Yes. I searched every inch
of the Royal Opera House.

It weren't in Ted's car.

But I don't have a car, Jamie.

Then it wasn't in the person's car

whose window I just smashed with a rock.

People, we don't need to find
Ted's mustache.

We need to catch it.

I built a trap and baited it
with the mustache's favorite things.

Crumbs, a small comb
and a tiny bit of pomade.

Nate, that's a k*ll trap.

Uh, you're damned right it is.

That thing escaped from Ted's face.
Who knows what it wants next.

Wait! Before we k*ll anything,
let me try something.

- Ooh, little more up there.
- And a little just there.

And presto.

Ooh, I love it.

Well, I don't know, guys.
It's not really me, you know.

Looks more like Clark Gable
or John Waters.

Allow me.

Why do you have a disguise kit?

Why don't you?

[WHOOSHING]

[CHUCKLES] That's amazing.

- Looks just like him.
- I think you look fantastic.

Agree to agree, but the whole point
is for Henry to recognize me.

Right. Forgot the objective.

- [BEARD RIPS]
- Yowzer!

Oi. You need a 'tache. Here.

[STRAINS]

Whoa. I look like Detroit Tigers
superfan Magnum P.I.

But even though this feels like
I'm kissing your forehead,

it ain't me, Roy.

Aw, babe. I'm gonna miss your eyebrows.

Hang on.

[GASPS] You're so hairy.

Disgusting.

Hey, it's no use.

For the first time in history,
Tom Selleck has ruined Christmas.

I'll see y'all tomorrow.

Where will he go? What will he do?

Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

- Wow.
- Wow.

- Is that Clark Gable?
- That is just right.

Aw, thank you.

Obviously, I do care.
It's just the mustache talking.

[LAPTOP RINGS, CHIMES]

- Cheers, Ted!
- We love you, Ted.

- [REBECCA] Hey, Ted.
- Hey, guys.

Sorry I was being such a straight,
white, cisgender male version

of the Grinch earlier.

Which I guess is just Ebenezer Scrooge.

- Oh, don't worry about that.
- Don't be silly, Ted.

But I realized, not having my mustache,

it ain't the end of the world.

'Cause it's not about making Christmas
perfect for the people you love.

It's the people you love
that make Christmas perfect.

- That is amazing. I can't believe my eyes.
- [GASPS] Oh, my God.

Uh-oh. What's wrong now?

[KEELEY] Your mustache is back.

Hot dog eggnog!

[PHONE RINGING]

Uh-oh. That's Henry.
I'll see y'all later.

- Good luck, Ted.
- Love to Henry.

Back to sexy Christmas.

[HENRY] Merry Christmas, Dad.
You look great.

Thanks, buddy. I actually just shaved.

[STAMMERS] You know what,
one second, big guy.

Hey, everyone. Have a perfect Christmas.

[STAMMERS] I mean,
an imperfect Christmas.

'Cause it's the imperfections
that make it...

Well, I mean, you get it.
You saw what we're going for, right?

Uh-oh.

Is it snowing in my apartment?

Huh. That's weird.

[WIND WHISTLING]