03x04 - The Goal

[bunniefuu]

Look what Uncle Joey found.

Evidentiary manilas.

All right, let's see what we have here.

What is this? A llama?

Alpaca.

Town mayor. It d*ed.

Our son b*at his son in an election,

and now our son's the new mayor.

- What?
- Out of context, it sounds stupid.

Oh, boy.

Someone doesn't like you.

Look at this.

[Whistles]

Oh, my stars and garters.

Looks like we found
the object of her desire.

♪

Dude, she ain't right in the head.

- Tell me about it.
- Did she ever make contact?

A little bit.

Let's go, let's go!
Come on, come on, come on!

Heads up, heads up!

Martin, get that penguin in the game,

or I will pull you!

Come on!

- Let's go!
- [Whistle blows]

What the hell was that, Stripes?

He was offside.

The penguin was offside, not him.

Come on, coach, look around.
Who's your show for?

Have a little fun. And call me Todd.

- Eat sh*t, Todd.
- [Whistle blows]

Let's go, let's go!
I'm seeing a lot of dancing,

- not a lot of skating.
- [Cellphone vibrates]

Coach, I-I-I just need a second.

Hey, thanks for calling me back.

Listen, I need to ask
a really big favor of you, okay?

Um, I have this friend.

Fight for the puck!

And then I was hoping
you could maybe run

a comm tap on him for me.

- [Whistle blows]
- Oh, come on, Stripes!

Take that call back to Wuss-illa!

No, no.

I'm just... I'm just helping him out.

I'm his assistant coach and friend.

Let's go, let's go, let's go!

Dig, dig, dig, dig!

[Whistle blows]

Slashing, that's !

What? He was all over my sh*t!

This is my crease!

My crease, God damn it!

Like father, like daughter!

Get off my crease!

- [Whistle blowing]
- Parker, on your feet.

Go sit in the back
for your sister, would you?

You have to be on the ice
to take the penalty.

Go sit in the box!

I'm going, I'm going.

Hey! Skate guards off.

God, who does that?

I am just really
getting to know Nate now.

He's really starting to trust me.

And the weird thing is,

he is not the idiot I thought he was.

He's actually a really great dad

and a damn fine hockey coach.

[Slamming]

Oh, can you be professional, please?

He's a surveillance target.

Just get me the tap.

I'll show you roughing, Todd!

Oh, God, I got to go.

I've been to your house, Todd.
You can't see Russia!

She never said that!

♪

♪ Somewhere behind the mountains ♪

♪ There is a place I'm thinkin' ♪

[Distorted music plays]

[Sighs]

Oh, damn it.

Nate!

Oh.

Damn it.

[Skype call ringing]

Hey, babe! How you feeling?

Terrible. How's, uh, how's the trip?

Uh, it's pretty good.
We're having a good time.

Everyone's in good spirits,
considering how much we suck.

Isn't that right, guys?

[Kids cheer]

Hey, listen. I was thinking

maybe after my shift tomorrow,

I could come to Anchorage
to see you guys.

What was that? You're breaking up, babe.

Oh, well, I'm not moving.

I'm not getting any of that.
Here, talk to the kids.

No. No, I wanted to ta...

Hey! Hey, Mr. Mayor.

Try finding a better spot.
You're breaking up.

Yeah, like I said, I'm not moving.

Maybe you should stop moving.

Edie: [Scottish accent]
Can't stop moving.

We're on a bus, mate,

all the way to the
Highlands of Scotland.

Who is that? Wh-Who is that?

[Scottish accent] That's Scottish!

You know, the one you can't do.

No, I know... I know the accent,

- but who was doing it?
- I was!

No, there was a woman's voice.

That was Edie.

- Who?
- You don't know Edie?

- No.
- Oh, right. Why would you?

Dad calls her his hockey wife.

She's just really cool. You'd love her.

She's the best at accents.

Well, I'm... I'm not too
shabby at accents, either.

Listen to this one.

[Bad Indian accent] Tiki masala...

Birde-num-na... Oh, sh*t.

I'm sorry. Hey, sweetie,
are you having fun?

Listening to music... that's new.

Yeah, Edie let me listen
to her show tune library.

- She's awesome.
- I'm enjoying them, too,

but don't tell the boys back home.

What happens in Anchorage
stays in Anchorage.

Feel better, sweetie.

Do you need Moishe to bring you
a little broth or something?

Maybe half a tuna fish sandwich?

No, no, I'm okay.

[Coughs] Is Nate still around?

Is... Can I talk to Nate?

Oh, hi, hello.

Can you get Coach Nate?

Do you know who Coach Nate is?

Coach Nate.

I need Coach Nate.

He's with our nice ass coach, Edie.

Uh... what?

She's bent over in front of Coach Nate.

He looks very happy,
and he is never happy.

[Whispers] She's got blue underwear!

Sweetie, can you...
can you turn the camera around

so I can see what you're looking at?

- Nate.
- [Nate laughs]

Hey, Nate!

Okay, bye!

No, no, no, no!

Ooh, that's a good one.

That's a good one.

[Irish accent] I... I... I...

I can't believe you
haven't met Robin yet,

who was on the phone there.

I'm still doing Scottish,
aren't I? sh*t.

[Irish accent] I can't believe she
hasn't been to one of our games.

Ah, she don't like hockey.

Mm. Sounds like a bit
of a puckin' icehole.

Oh, that's harsh.

Ooh, sounds like a lass
who doesn't appreciate...

- [Normal voice] Ahh! Whoa!
- [Normal voice] Oh!

[Groans]

- Yeah.
- Oh.

Ooh! [Irish accent] Bumpy roads.

Right, yeah.

Aye.

[Skype call ringing]

Hey, hi.

Can you get Nate for me?

Him and Edie are busy doing accents.

Okay, well, show him this accent

'cause I'm pretty good, too.

Watch.

John Dunbar.

John Dunbar... T-Tonk...

Oh, sh*t!

[Beep]

Edie: Hey. So, about that comm tap,

I've had a change of heart.

I-I don't want to rush into anything.

I mean, He's still a person of interest,

but I think sometimes
it's easy to forget

that he's a person.

And interesting.

- Hey!
- Hey.

Oh, you don't have to
get off 'cause of me.

Oh, no.

I came out to drown my sorrows.

Oh, yeah. No, I was getting off.

It was my ex.
I never really got off with him.

[Chuckles] He was married.

To his job. What was that?

He was married to his job!

What was his job?

Oh, okay, got it.

Um, he was in law enforcement.

- Oh, cool, what kind?
- Yeah.

Um...

- He was a truck cop.
- Truck cop?

- Yep.
- I don't know what that is.

It's like USPIS,

but for trucks.

You know, if there's one thing
I learned living up here,

you don't have to make sh*t up.

Nobody cares about what
you did in the lower .

- Just be yourself.
- Be myself?

- Yeah.
- It's me. It's just...

I mean, this place is weird.

It's : p.m., and it
looks like noon. It does.

The only way to get by
is to drown your sorrows.

- [Laughs] Yeah.
- Alaska's finest boxed wine.

[Laughs]

- Uh, do you want some?
- Yeah, yes, please.

- Nothing but the best.
- Here, let me help you.

- Big game tomorrow.
- I know!

Right?

All right, that's perfect.

That's good, that's good, that's good.

Someone's got to drink it.

It's either I drink it or...

- Or...
- or I drink it.

- Oh!
- Hey, get back to bed!

It's the middle of the night.

- What's that kid's name?
- I have no idea.

God, I'm such a shitty coach.

You're pretty terrible.

To former lives.

So, where'd you meet your wife?

That was a terrible segue
that made it sound like

I think she's your former wife,

but she's your current wife.

Eh, wife is a relative term.

She's... this is...
our life is pretty crazy.

Why, is it, like, 'cause
of her dad or something?

Weird, but yes, actually.

[Chuckles] Wow, that is so weird.

Where does he live?

[Woman moaning]

Oh, sh*t.

[Whispers] Did you hear that?

[Laughs]

[Moaning]

That's what I'm talking about.

Actually, you were talking
about your father-in-law.

Gayle: Oh, my God. God, it's deep!

Oh, my God. That's Gayle.

- I know.
- Too deep! Too deep!

Wait, no, I didn't say stop.

Oh, well.

I didn't know Moishe came.

I don't think he did.

[Man grunting, groaning]

I stand corrected! Yes, he did.

He came hard. [Laughs]

And for a very long time.

That's over-compensating.

Is it still happening?

He's st... Oh, sh...

- Hi.
- Hey.

We were... Just checking things.

You know, it's nice to hear Moishe came.

No. That's it.

Busted! [Laughs]

[Laughing] Yes.
Moishe, my... my... my husband,

who I love dearly, he drove down here.

You know, just
a few minutes ago, actually.

It was a really nice surprise

'cause that's what married couples do.

You know, they do things
like that for each other.

Straight Jack: You don't got to
make stuff up, Gayle.

There's no shame in this walk.

They know the score.

We're all just consenting adults

burning a little latex.

- We didn't burn any latex.
- No, no one's burning anything.

Not yet.

Night's still young.

Okay, so I'm gonna... I'm gonna...

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

- Get home safe.
- Yeah, okay, okay.

That's the sideways walk
of a satisfied woman.

Nighty night.

[Door closes]

- Oh, wow.
- Straight Jack.

Yeah. [Laughs]

I mean, what kind of grown-ups
wear condoms, though?

- Losers.
- Dummies.

- You snip. That's what I did.
- Yeah.

- Oh!
- Cut it off.

We're not having any more kids.

She wants more kids.
I put some on ice, in case.

- I donated it.
- Oh.

Who's gonna pay
those storage fees, right?

- Yeah.
- Got rid of them.

[Laughs] You know, give
it away, nice guy.

- Help a stranger out, right?
- Sure, yeah.

Um...

- anyway.
- Nope.

- [Chuckles] I'm wasted.
- Mm-hmm.

- I should...
- Okay.

- See you tomorrow. Big game.
- Yeah.

Room's that way, forgot.

- Nope.
- It's not. It's not, it's that way.

- Yep, yep, yep. Okay, good night!
- Good night!

♪ We're going postal ♪

♪ Yeah, we're going postal ♪

♪ We're going postal ♪

♪ We're going postal ♪

Edie: July th. I have continued

to make progress with Nate.

I think he may be having some issues

in his personal life.

Complications that may
ultimately prove useful.

♪ Pinky ♪

July th. Nate Parker is a good man

and an even better father.
He's the kind of guy...

July nd. Today we just rode bikes.

I feel great.

I got him a bigger saddle, and he...

I feel like we challenge
one another, you know?

We set goals, then try
to shatter those goals.

Holy sh*t!

[Sirens wailing]

♪

- What the hell were you thinking?!
- I'm sorry.

She went full Donnie Brasco on me!

You should have known
she was an undercover Fed.

I mean, she was the best at accents.

- Who does she work for?
- USPIS.

- What the hell is that?
- Oh, I don't know.

Only the oldest, most vital
federal law-enforcement agency

- in the country!
- Sorry.

We're screwed.

Not if I have anything to say about it.

- What did that do?
- That was my shake move.

Following the road is your shake move?

[Sirens wailing]

♪

[Tires squeal]

- She's such a badass.
- She's beautiful.

It's her confidence
that makes her so attractive.

I'm confident. Right? Mostly.

I mean, I think I'm confident sometimes.

- No?
- Nate. Nate Parker.

Why does she want you?

Nate.

Nate Parker.

What?

Nate Parker, get out of the car.

No, no, we're not going
down without a fight.

You won't win! She's better than you.

I know that, but we
at least have to try.

No! We're giving up.

Why, because you're in love with her?

I'm sorry. No, no, no, please, Nate,

I know you're gonna be happier
burning latex with her,

but still, come on!

♪ Oh, almost paradise ♪

You can put your hands down.

Here.

On my ass, Coach.

I see what you did there. It's clever.

She's so much better
at sexy banter than you, too.

♪ How could we ask for more? ♪

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I don't know if I can do this.

What do you see in her
that you don't see in me?

[Farting]

[Groaning]

[Farting continues]

Oh!

I got to be honest, I don't know.

[Laughing] So fat!

She thinks hockey is stupid.

Hockey is stupid.

She wasn't there for you.

I was providing for my family!

How? By jizzing tartar sauce
on men's fish sticks

for underwear tips?

They also have potato wedgies,

and Nate's favorite, a clam-jam box.

I do like a good clam-jam.

It's still good.

That's... Whoa.

Is that a squirrel hair?

It's thick.

- Don't look at me like that.
- Oh. Just ignore her.

Kids, come help me lift it up

so daddy can find it.

I don't want to have
to lift it up to find it.

I want it just to be there.

- It's right here.
- It sure is.

♪ Oh, almost paradise ♪

I didn't know those
came out in the daytime.

Where'd they come from?

My eyes. Get some.

- ♪ Almost... ♪
- Delilah: Wake up!

Ahh! [Gasping]

Hi! Did you hear that?

Yes, and so did they.

Okay, just go to sleep, everybody.

Just, one, two, three, close your eyes.

Sweet dreams. Nighty night.

You want to explain yourself?

Sometimes...

Dreams can be very easily explained.

And they aren't exactly
what they look like on the sur...

Edie: Am I attracted to Nate Parker?

Not! Oh, my God, I am.

What am I doing?
He's a potential key witness.

Okay. That can also be explained.

How?

You have a crush on my dad?

Why else would you be
making recordings about him?

♪

Yes!

Yes! [Laughing] Oh, God.

Busted. I have a huge crush on your dad.

That is the only reason why I am
making recordings about him.

It's just a little school-girl crush.

You were gyrating your hips like
you were riding a snow machine.

And unless you have a snow
machine named Nate Parker,

it's a lot more than
a school girl crush.

Nate: Let's go, let's go,
let's go, let's go!

Skate, skate, skate!

Come on!

Six! That's six,
too many men on the ice, Ref.

Give it a rest.

Eat a shitsicle, Ref.

No, wait, wait, sorry, I take that back.

Timeout, timeout, I need a timeout.

Come on, there's ten seconds left.

Ref, this is important, give me time!

[Whistle blows]

Nate: Okay, everybody,
come on, huddle up.

Bring it in.

- [Slam!]
- Come on, Jared.

Stay on the ground. Stay on the ground.
Stay on the ground.

You know...

sh*t. Oh. Okay.

Listen up.

Not long ago, I was like you guys, okay?

I was a loser.

A complete piece of garbage,

just fighting for everything
and getting nothing.

I was completely goalless.

But then one day, this beautiful,

vivacious, incredibly sexy woman

walked into my life, and
she changed all that.

She gave me purpose.

She gave me a goal,

and that's all you guys need
is one goal.

God, I'm sick of being
on this loser team.

Hey, we're not down by that much, okay?

- Stay positive.
- I'm talking about our family!

I was rooting for you,
and you give it up for that?

I am so tired of losing.

From here on out, I'm on my own.

Out of my way, loser!

All right, you heard the captain.

You're either with her or without her.

I say with her 'cause she's
the best player on the team.

Let's go! [Pounding]

Come on, get on your feet, Jared.

Oh, my God.

Yes. Yes, you caught that reference.
_

"With or Without You," yeah. I love U .

Whoo!

Let's get some!

Stay in the crease, stay in the crease.

What are you doing?

Oh!

♪

[Clang]

[Cheering]

[Buzzer]

♪

♪ Talk to the hand ♪

♪ Just talk to my hand ♪

Here's to Super D,
playing by her own rules.

Huh?

Sweetie?

What? Oh, come on.
Why are you mad at me now?

I mean, your mom I get, but me?

- Like you don't know.
- I don't.

♪ Talk to my hand ♪

[Scattered applause]

- Whoo!
- Thank you!

[Applause]

Edie: So, um, excuse me.

Can I just have everybody's
attention, please?

There's something I would like to say.

Something I've been holding
on to for quite a while.

- Well, here it comes.
- Here what comes?

What are you talking about?

Oh, don't pretend like you don't know,

egging her on with that speech.

"[Mockingly] She gave me a goal!"

First, I don't talk that way.

Second, that was about your mom.

I was a loser before I met her.

- [Normal voice] Oh.
- Your mom and I are rock solid, okay?

We bend, we don't break.

Then this should be good.

So, in musicals,

when they can no longer
find the words to speak,

they sing.

And, Coach, this is for you.

[Belches]

♪ I thought that dreams
belonged to other men ♪

This is a weird song
to be singing to you.

What? No. It's from "Footloose."

It's about sticking it to the man.

We stuck it to Talkeetna today, right?

- Yes!
- It's called "Almost Paradise."

Yeah, and it wouldn't be paradise

if you hadn't have scored that goal.

Come on, here's to us!

Both: ♪ I face the nights alone ♪

♪ How could I have known ♪

♪ That all my life I only needed you ♪

- Nate!
- She's singing right to you.

Yeah, 'cause I'm the coach.

♪ Almost paradise ♪

♪ We're knocking on heaven's door ♪

You sure that's the reason?

That's... yeah.

- ♪ Almost paradise ♪
- Yeah.

♪ How could we ask for more ♪

♪ I swear that I can see
forever in your eyes ♪

Oh, yeah, you're right.
It doesn't mean anything.

Straight Jack's singing
right to you, too.

- [Laughs]
- ♪ Paradise ♪

♪

♪ Almost paradise ♪

♪ We're knocking on heaven's door ♪

Excuse me.

♪ Almost paradise ♪

Get in my arms here!

Get in my arms!

♪ How could we ask for more ♪

♪ I swear that I can see forever ♪

- What'd you bring?
- I brought a clam-jam.

Yes! We're jamming clams, kids.

Hi, honey. Oh, I missed you.

No one breaks up this family.

If anyone does it, it's gonna be me.

♪

♪ Paradise ♪

- Hey!
- Nice, right?

No, they'll stay here.

- You guys take care of the bill.
- [Coughing]

I'm gonna go burn some latex.

Bye, kids.

♪ Paradise ♪

♪

We're very excited that you
decided to give this another try.

I lost a little perspective,

but I'm ready to make
my life about me again.

Good.

Oh. How about this guy?
He went to Harvard.

Nerd. I don't like that guy's hat.

He looks dirty. Don't like glasses.

That guy looks like Gollum.

That guy looks like Gollum's dad.

Yeah, I... I just really want
someone who gets me, you know?

It's gonna be a little
hard with pictures.

No, wait, wait. Stop, stop, stop, stop.

♪ Paradise ♪

No, you don't want
that guy. He's not the best.

Yeah, well, he's not the worst.

♪ Paradise ♪