03x08 - The Plane

[bunniefuu]

This is such bullshit.

Are you sure you should be
looking at all this stuff?

It's not a crime to guess
someone's password.

It's "Nate Parker", by the way.

You know, when the feds
show up at the wedding,

that... that's the worst.

It's supposed to be ceremony, reception,

consummation, then incarceration.

Well, they were there for my dad mostly,

- but they were gonna get me, too.
- It don't matter none!

No feds at weddings!

Nor funerals!

You people got no respect!

No disrespect.

♪

♪

A lot changes in seven months.

Okay. Just remember...

this is big tuna, the
main guy, this guy, yeah,

Team Delta's heading into
this tiny square.

- We're not taking...
- Holy sh*t.

This is the Parker house.

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, sh*t.

♪

Ugh!

Aah!

[Groaning]

You up for a cup of coffee
and a piece of pie?

Not really.

It wasn't a question.

So, how've you been? You look good.

Have you lost weight? 'Cause I haven't.

[Laughs] Are you gonna eat your pie?

- I told you, I didn't want any.
- Great.

Mmm.

You want to tell me what
the hell's going on here?

Um, I'm eight months
pregnant and hungry as sh*t,

- like, all the time.
- Right. But I...

[Slurping]

♪

[Slurping continues]

♪

Mmm.

[Burps]

Just came back up.
It just came back up real bad.

Still tastes good. [Sighs]

Man... look at us... sitting here.

Two former lovers.

- Sorry, what?
- Please.

- I know you felt it, too.
- I didn't.

Okay, well, denial's a necessary
part of breaking up, I get it.

So, listen, let's talk about tomorrow.

Your piece-of-sh*t
father-in-law is going down

- and so is your "wife."
- For what?

Only conspiracy,
if she has a good lawyer.

Well, lucky for her, she does, and I'm
about to call him right now, so...

If you breathe a word of this to anyone,

I will take you down with them.

I will not like it, but I'll do it,

and your kids will
become wards of the state.

I'll take 'em out tonight.

- We'll run. You'll never find us again.
- Oh, man.

You don't have the skills to pull
off that type of extraction.

I mean, you're the idiot who fell
in love with a federal agent.

Are you kidding me? I didn't fall...

- No!
- No, no!

How dare you force a kiss on
a federal officer like that?!

- I...
- [Gasps]

I mean, the passion
is still there, obviously,

but this cannot happen.

I mean, I would love to,

because I am like super-horny
/ , but I can't.

Or can I?

I have an extra motel room, so...

- No.
- Say... No.

No!

No. I will not.

[Sighs] Here's my advice to you.

Save yourself a world of hurt
and just walk away

and never look back.

Listen to me right now.

I will never walk away from my family.

Then I hope you enjoy prison.

- Stop it!
- Stop it!

- You stop!
- I...

You stop.

♪ Somewhere behind the mountains ♪

♪ There is a place I'm thinkin' ♪

[Distorted music plays]

Look around.

♪

Oh, sh*t.

- Run.
- Run where?

Out front, three minutes.

This is an extraction.

- Did you bring my dad?
- No, it's just me.

I'm just saying, my dad would be
really helpful right now.

Just, three minutes, out front.

Delilah?

[Whispers] We have to run.

- Where are you going?
- I got to go get my alpaca.

Oh, my God. You're . You don't need...

Hold your positions.
Something's going down.

Jared, come on. We got to go.
It's time to run.

Can you check the schedule and
see if I have time for a run?

No, we have a Google Hangout
with Al Gore's assistant.

Oh, I don't think I'll
be able to make it.

It's Al Gore's assistant!

We're discussing the banning
of rolling coal.

Okay, well, you tell that first-place
loser this is an oil state.

Go get your sister. Take my phone. Go.

Where the hell is J.R.?
You promised me he'd be here.

- He's gonna be here. He RSVP'd.
- Oh, yeah?

Well, I want you to know
that if you're wrong,

I'm putting you back in prison.

- That wasn't part of the deal.
- Aw. Deals change.

Vanessa?!

Wait, where are you going?

Vanessa?!

I'm a witness!

Protect me!
What kind of program is this?!

He'll be right here. He just went...

Hey, Mark. How's it going?

Vanessa?! Come on!
We have to run. They found us.

I don't know how,
but they found us, so come on.

- I ratted you out.
- What?!

I'm sorry! I didn't have any options!

That woman over there is
obsessed with you guys.

What? What woman?

Oh, just run.

She's gonna take away your kids.

My God, I hate you so much!

Just come with us. Come with us.

I can't. I have an ankle monitor.

Oh.

But I can buy you a couple
minutes to get away. Trust me.

They're playing chess,
I'm playing checkers.

♪

Come on, let's go.

She won't get far.
I've got her ankle-monitored.

USPIS has ankle monitors?

Do you have anything bigger than this?

How big's your dog?

Uh, about ' ", pounds.

- Oh, big one.
- Yeah.

What breed?

Uh, mixed, Caucasian-Latina.

- [Electricity crackles]
- [Grunts]

Since when do ankle monitors shock you?

[Grunting, panting]

- [Electricity crackles]
- Aah!

[Grunting]

Where'd she go?

Where'd she go?! The bride!

Jes... The one in the white dress!

♪

Hey! Hey! Oh, my God.

I love you guys so much!

Okay, now get in the [bleep] truck.

Hey. Hi, sweetheart.

- Oh, my God. You look so beautiful.
- You... You look, um...

A stripper on ice skates set me on fire.

Oh, okay.

So, you had time to plan an extraction,

- but not to put pants on?
- No, it's fine.

- [Grunts] They're really comfortable.
- Okay.

I'm never getting married, am I?

You've been married. Like times.

Hey, man! We're all here!

We're set to go.

- Hey. Whoa.
- God.

Aren't we gonna need that to fly?

And live?

You said that we might
run into some trouble

with the constabulary, so I'm
turning this into a ghost plane.

No tracking mechanisms, including radio.

- Who's this guy?
- Huh?

- Who are you?
- Sleepy. I'm Sleepy.

Well, then you shouldn't
be flying a plane.

It's a nickname.

- His name's Sleepy.
- I'm a retired...

Yeah?

You're a retired mattress
salesman, you told me.

That's right. I've told you that.

I'm a retired mattress Sleepy person.

But that's all over now.

I've always dreamt of being
a pilot and I became one,

just after they had diagnosed me
with terminally... something.

What? You try finding a bush pilot

that'll evade the
police on short notice.

[Mumbling]

Great.

- That's...
- [Mumbling]

Why don't you tell her about
the videos you make?

Yeah, I make videos...

for people interested in f-flying.

Yeah, we're all fine. Thank you.

- Oh, God.
- He's gonna be fine.

You're gonna be fine, right?
He's gonna be fine.

Oh, my God. We're gonna be fine.
Kids, come on, come on,

come on, come on. Yeah. Yeah, come on.

- Hustle.
- Yeah, come on.

Get on, get on.

I call shotgun.

♪

Nate: All right, guys, buckle
up. We're going for a bumpy ride

to the one place no one
will ever find us...

Mother Russia.

What are you doing?

[Engine shuts off]

- [Engine starts]
- What?

[No audio]

I can't hear you! Turn up your volume!

- We can't mo...
- Aah!

Jesus Christ! Turn it down!

[No audio]

Oh, now, it's down too far.
Turn it back up.

- Like this?
- No!

Set it in between!

We can't move to Russia.

We're not moving there, okay?

We're going to meet your dad

and he's gonna figure it all out.

Russia is the last stop on the
international crime run, okay?

For the love of God, Mother,
dial it down!

At least switch your bickering
to a different channel!

- Sorry.
- Okay. Are we all good?

We're good. Let's go.

I like her. She's a firecracker.

Yes, she is.

Wait, wait, wait, stop, stop.

We can't do this. You're right.

We have to stop running
and deal with this sh*t.

No, no, I wasn't saying stop.
I'm just saying,

let's find some other place
in America to go to.

Where would you like to go?
We're kind of out of room.

No, we need to stop before
this gets dangerous.

Do you want me to go to jail again?

What do you mean, again?

I... I mean, like,
I'm saying like, again.

Do you want me to go to jail?
'Cause I've asked you that already,

so I'm... I'm asking you that again.

Oh, my God! You've been to jail!

- Who hasn't?
- [Sirens wailing]

Lloyd: Why are you driving
that shitty mail truck?

This is my official vehicle.

Does it go any faster?!

No, it does not!

♪

Do not let that plane
get off the ground!

[Wailing continues]

♪

Ah, sh*t.

Okay, you got to stop, man.
You got to stop.

Dude, you got to throttle down, okay?

Keep driving, you dickless hicks.

They're not gonna take off.
They don't have enough road.

We don't have enough road.

Yes, we do. Don't be a chicken.

Oh, you want to play chicken with me?

- You can't play with me.
- Lloyd: Are you crazy?!

My God. She's bat-sh*t crazy!

Come on! Get some!

Oh, my God! Oh, God.

She's not gonna stop!

I do not stop!

- Stop!
- Oh, my God!

- Stop!
- Uhh!

- Stop! Stop!
- Stop!

- Ah!
- Oh, my God!

[All screaming]

Oh, sh...

No! No! [Crying]

Okay. All right. That was fun.

♪

Sleepy, I know I asked you
to fly under the radar,

but this seems a little low.

I'm no plane guy, but this mountain

seems a little too close
for comfort, no?

- Whoa! Whoa!
- [All screaming]

Okay, okay, we're good! No problem.

Just a bit of turbulence.

That's just flying talk for bumpy air.

It's got to do with jet pockets
and air streams and I...

Actually I don't really know.

I'm gonna look it up
when we get home, though.

- Whoa! Whoa!
- [All screaming]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa!

Sh... Oh!

[Laughs] That was fun, huh?

It's all part of little-plane flying.

Nothing to be worried about.

It's gonna be over real soon.
Sleepy's gonna turn us around.

We're gonna be on
solid ground in no time.

Sleepy?

Sleepy?

- Sleep?
- What's wrong?

Sleeping maybe? I don't know.

- Well, wake him up!
- I'm trying to!

Sleepy?! Sleepy?!

- Is he breathing?
- I don't know.

His volume is at a reasonable level.

Sleepy?! Sleepy?! Sleepy?!

Sleepy?! Sleepy?!

- Delilah: Is he dead?!
- No! No.

[As Sleepy] No, I'm fine,
little firecracker.

I'm just sleepy, as my
name would suggest.

- You're not helping!
- Oh, and you are?!

Oh, my God. Are we gonna die?

No.

No, we're not gonna die.

- We're gonna radio for help.
- With what?

He ripped it out, because
you hired a ghost plane.

I was trying to do
what's best for our family.

I'm gonna Google what to do if
you're on a plane with a dead pilot.

- I'm Googling what happens when we die.
- Nothing.

- I knew it!
- Oh, come on.

She means nothing,
because we're not gonna die.

Airplane fails, uh,
crash-landing compilations,

uh, uh, uh, worst air disasters...

Sweetie, if you have a
signal, call the police.

- They can come rescue us.
- And when what?

Jump to the police plane? No.

Google how to land a plane
if your pilot is sleepy.

Okay, uh, how to land a plane
when your pilot is sleepy.

Okay, this one's perfect.

Hi.

I'm retired mattress salesman
Morty "Sleepy" Timmins.

[ Slow tempo music plays]

♪

And I'm about to go up to
the beautiful Brooks Range...

♪

Oh, God.

To teach my friend...

and mattress colleague
Taylor how to fly...

a plane.

Funny story about Taylor...

Jesus Christ, skip ahead!

I'm about to hit you
with a lot of details.

Believe me, this is not the sort of
thing you can absorb in one pass.

Skip it.

And touch down.

Nice job, Taylor.

Too far! Go back!

[Laughs]

I know everyone's talking about
memory foam these days, Taylor.

Keep skipping!

Okay.

Let's use the rudder...

- What's a rudder?
- What's happening?

My phone only has one bar.

Gently, aileron.

Aileron? Is he even speaking English?!

Wave it around to get the signal.

Higher! Get higher!

How high? We're already in the sky.

No matter what, never, never,

ever under any circumstances...

♪

Under any circumstances do what?

Push that button.

Never.

It's dead. The signal's dead!

Just like us!

Nate: Whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

I got it! I got it! I got it! Hold on!

Hold on! Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, okay, okay.

Okay. Yeah.

There's some smooth air.

All right, I'm getting the hang of this.

If you want to go left,
you turn a little left.

All right. Don't worry. I got her.

If we want to go right,
we just turn her right.

That's it.

Yeah! How great is that, huh?

And then I pull back
and we go up a little bit.

Whoo!

And if we want to go down,
we just push it in.

[All screaming]

- Too much in!
- No, no, no!

Too much in! Too much in!

I got it! There we go! Okay.

- Don't you ever do that again!
- I know!

I know it was just a little
too much in, but I got it, okay?

I am in full control... until we land.

And now we just need to find a nice,

smooth place to land,
so, everybody, look around.

Look out for a-a long
stretch of flat-ish land.

No flat-ish, just flat, very flat.

- Well, what about a road?
- Why? Do you see a road? Where?

No, I was just saying,
if I found a road,

- would that be a good place to land?
- What do you think?!

No, listen.
We're not gonna find any roads.

There are only like eight in the state.

What about that mountain?

It's flat, but it's kind
of tilted like this.

Oh, my God! Do you guys want to die?!

I thought you said we're
not going to die!

We're not! We're not!
We're gonna be fine, okay?

Now, just look out the [bleep] window

and find a place to land.

What do you guys really think
happens when we die?

Oh, honey, haven't we already
had this discussion?

Will we go to Heaven,
being such horrible people?

I mean... why not?

No, probably not, no.

You can't even lie about Heaven
in a life-threatening situation?

Sweetheart, sweetheart.

You're going to go to Heaven, okay?

And when it's your time to go...
I'm not saying now,

but when it's your time, all
your friends are gonna be there.

- I don't have any friends.
- Well, then...

we're gonna be there for you, all of us.

- Do you guys still suck in Heaven?
- All right, you know what?

Why don't you save your
bullshit for the afterlife?

[Scoffs] Fine.
What do we do in "Heaven"?

Oh, man, what don't you do, you know?

- Just a-all of it.
- Like what?

Like... all the things
there is to do up there.

Like...

jumping, you know, puzzles,
good fun, and bowling.

- I suck at bowling.
- No, not in Heaven you don't.

In Heaven, you're a
regular... what's his name?

The fat guy that bowls all the strikes?

What about movies? Can I watch movies?

Oh, you bet, pal.

What happens when the movies run out?

They don't. But if they do,

you know, then we start
watching the sequels

and the reboots and the replacement cast

and the all-female cast
that's, you know, the same,

but, you know, totally different.

What if I lost a leg on Earth?
Will I have one leg in Heaven?

Or will it grow back?
What if I d*ed of cancer?

Will I still have cancer in Heaven?

Will I have Heaven cancer?!

Is there Heaven cancer?!

♪

There is no Heaven, is there?

Absolutely not.

♪

What is that?

Oh, what is that?

Where? What side?

Port.

I don't see anything.

Other side. Port, port.

I wouldn't call it a port.

There's no water, but
that's definitely a town.

And that looks like a road, no?

Yeah, and it's flat-ish.

All right, well, I say we go for it.

Okay. Here we go.

Starting our approach right now.

Little bank left.

Boom. Yeah.

That's right, Captain Nate Parker

requesting permission to land.

Alpha Tango Niner, we're coming
in hot on Runway Foxtrot.

Please don't let our last few
precious moments on this planet

be you playing pretend pilot.

How is this pretend?!
I'm actually flying, okay?!

But... we're gonna do great.

We're gonna do great, 'cause I got this.

We're coming in for a nice,
smooth landing.

Whoo!

- I love you, Mom.
- I love you, too.

- And I love you, Delilah.
- Ugh.

Uh, really? And eye roll now?

Fine. I love you, too.

No, if you're gonna use that
tone, then what's the point?

- Let's everybody hold hands.
- Hey, hey, hey, no!

- Hands on the wheel. You're flying.
- God forbid,

we had one moment of
closeness before we die.

Which we're not going to.

'Cause I am in full control.

Here we go. Let's get some.

[All screaming]

It's okay! It's okay!

It's okay! I got this!

[Screaming continues]

Whoo!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

♪

We're gonna die!

I got it!

[Engine sputtering]

[Thud]

What do you mean
you can't get me a team?

They are lost. Two of them are children!

What kind of a dumb-ass
hick, stupid t...

I got to go.

I just called the so-called USPIS Agency

and they tell me you're on
a mental-health sabbatical.

Now, since I don't want to
get fired for helping

a mental patient, let's just
pretend this little episode

didn't happen. Do you understand?

There is a plane crashed out there!

This is Alaska!

There's always a plane
crashed out there.

And when people report a missing person,

real agencies like mine,
the FBI, will send help.

Until then, you can go back
to whatever loony bin

or yoga retreat that will
get your head right.

Are we clear?

- Crystal.
- What?

Yes.

♪

♪

♪

[t*nk horn honks "Dixie"]

[Honking stops]

Afternoon, ma'am.

We heard you're putting
together a posse.

Yeah, I was.

What are you guys, some crazy
secessionist group?

No, ma'am. We're the Army.

Alaskan Free State battalion.
First mountain division!

How many divisions are there?

One.

Well...

I could do worse.

And I could definitely do better,

but I could certainly do worse.

Let's roll.

General Carol,
we got ourselves a mission!

Hooah!