03x10 - The Escape

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Detour". Aired: March 2016 to August 2019.
"The Detour" follows a couple and their two young kids as they take a family vacation road trip to Florida.
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03x10 - The Escape

Post by bunniefuu »

[Speaking Japanese]

Would somebody please
tell me what the [bleep]

These Japanese cowboys are all about?

Nate: I told you the town was this way.

I looks like a ghost town.

No, I saw people from the plane.

- It's really creepy.
- Yeah, well, it's shelter,

so just stop being so negative, please.

Sorry. My first plane
crash and drug trip

must be affecting my positivity somehow.

You know what, man...

Hello?! Anybody here?!

Hello! Anyone?

Hello! We need help!


- Oh! Hey! Hey!
- Oh! Hey!

- Hi! We're so lost!
- Hi, how are you?

Thank God. Oh, my God.

- Oh!
- Whoa, whoa! g*n down!

- Please!
- Reach for the sky.

We'll reach, okay, okay!

Please, please, we mean you no harm!

Robin: We were just...
we were in a plane crash,

and we're super lost. We just need help.

Please, man! We got children.
Don't do this!

Stop right there.

We're stopped, we're not
walking any further.

Yeah, please just put the g*n down!

This town ain't big enough
for the two of us.

Can he see us?

Put the g*n down, we will walk

right out of this town right now.

There's a snake in my boot.

- What?
- What?

- I told you there were snakes out here.
- Shh!

Hold on. Guys, something's
not right about this.

Does this guy have "Andy" written
on the bottom of his boot?

Stop talking.

To infinity...


And beyond!

Go ahead...

Whoa, whoa!

- Make my day.
- That's not even from a Western.

Whoa. Oh, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa! Everybody g*n down!

Please! We are just a family!

We mean you no harm.

[Speaking Japanese]

[Scoffs, laughs]

Reach for the sky!

Okay, we're reached, we're reached!


On my mark, you run over there,
protect the children.

- Wh-What are you gonna do?
- What I always do.

Oh, God, don't say "get some."

Please don't get some.
Please don't get some.

Please don't get some.
Please don't get some!

Get some! Go!


Oh, my God! I just k*lled somebody!

Great! k*ll more!


Oh! [Grunts]

Reach for the sk...


Delilah, no!

What is happening?!

[Speaking Japanese]


Go big or go home.

[Speaking Japanese]

They're dying, but they're not bleeding.

What are they?

- Zombies.
- Cosplayers.

- [g*n, shouting]
- Babe.

Babe, get out of the road!
You're gonna get sh*t!

- Sweetheart, they're blanks.
- What?!

It's a bunch of Pacific Rim
LARPers playing dress-up.

What are you talking about?


I don't know what that means?!

Live action role-playing.

Oh, you think this is role-playing?!

I don't think so, sister!



[Speaks Japanese]

Oh, shit.

[All groaning]

I guess I k*lled that guy like times.

♪ Somewhere behind the mountains ♪

♪ There is a place I'm thinkin' ♪

[Distorted music plays]

Hey, Delilah, sh**t me with the g*n.


Ah... Ah... Aah!

This is the best vacation ever!


[Speaking Japanese]

So what is this place?

Well, for about three years now,
Mr. Tanaka and his associates

have been coming up here
for a few weeks out of the year

to live out their
favorite cowboy movies.

Isn't that something?

It's... It's kind of awesome.
I got to admit.

You know, all the g*n
and the dresses, they're just...

Everything looks and feels so real.

Oh, thank you.

I mean, we take a lot of pride
in being period correct.

Without the danger, of course.
It's all just make believe.

Oh, okay, so you're not
actually a prost*tute.

- Babe!
- I'm just saying,

she's not actually available
for sexual services,

so stop looking at her like she is.

I'm not.

Listen, we need to get out
of here. How do we do that?

Uh, well, we have a shuttle leaving
for Fairbanks in two days.

I mean, you and your family are...

No, no, no, no, that's...
that's not soon enough.

- Do you have a radio?
- Babe!

- What?
- Cool down, she's being nice.

She needs to put on a sweater.

She does not.

Do not let her ruin your authenticity.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Um, Mr. Tanaka has offered up
his cabin. It's up on the hill.

And there are clothes,
and you can take a bath...

which it looks like you sorely need.

She does. And thank you
again for everything.

For all of it. Like,
just thank you so, so much.

Aw. Well, I would politely ask
that you stay out of the town center.

Because we have crafted another
high noon duel at : P.M.

The boys are gonna fight the Pinkertons.

Come to collect for the banks.

[Both laugh]

Fun fact about the Pinkertons...

Oh, do we look like we give
a shit about American history?

We're not Japanese. Come on, let's go.

We should really talk
about what we're gonna do.

We did already. We're gonna
turn ourselves in. Right?

I'm gonna pretend I don't know anything
and act like I'm a big, dumb idiot

that doesn't know how things work.

He's really good with a g*n, huh?

- Nice sh**ting, boy!
- I know about all that.

But once we're past all the legal shit,

you know, we just put
these kids through so much.

They don't deserve this life.

I mean, I'm doing the same thing
to them that my dad did to me.

I'm gonna wake up one day,
and they're just gonna be gone.

Mnh-mnh. No way, man.
This family is due for a win.

This family doesn't get wins.
We don't even get ties.

At least when I was being
developmentally neglected,

we stayed in fancy French hotels.

This, we're just, you
know, on the run in...

Like, wow, that's smooth.

- Right?
- Yeah.

Yeah, and these are my babies, you know?

- Mm-hmm.
- And I'm... I'm forcing them.

I'm forcing them to...

Is it made of butter?

- It's really...
- It's so good.

Really, really good.

I'll take this over a fancy,
snooty French hotel any day.

It's like a firm handshake.

Mm. Like a successful merger.


Get some.

I guess we could do worse.

- We could do way worse.
- Yeah. Hey, kids?

Kids?! Don't go away. Come back.
Mommy needs a hug.

Yeah, it's probably best you
don't kiss them and hug them

while you're naked
and drunk in a hot tub.

I'm not drunk yet.

Right, well... you will be.

You will be.

Okay, so, Bill, you're gonna
jump out of the barrel.

And you better have worked
up that Irish accent.

Oh, we've been doing this show
for three years now.

We haven't got anything better
than the barrel surprise?

Do you have a better dramatic
entrance planned for us, Bill?!

'Cause I'd love to see that!

[Trumpet plays "Dixie" over loudspeaker]

Can that be any more
anachronistic, Bill?

Oh, God. Jesus Christ.

- This is a g*dd*mn ghost town!
- No, they're here.

No, there is literally no one here.

Hey, hey, Robin Randall!
Robin Randall, are you here?

- Robin Randall!
- Oh, my God!

This is the Alaskan Free State
Battalion, st Mountain Division.

I'm General Mark.

Joining me is Driver General Kevin

and Maps General Carol.

Surrender peacefully
and we'll spare your lives.

I hate you so much.

So what if we did live in this
magic whiskey old West-ville?

What would we do?

Well, probably start every day
with one of these...

oh! Amazing sex baths.

And then, I don't know, split wood.

- What would I do?
- You'd be splitting wood.

I'll be inside, showering off
all the dirt from the sex bath.

Oh, you know, we could make candles.

That sounds like something people

- who lost their shit would do, right?
- Yeah, I guess so.

- How do you even make candles?
- What are you talking about?

You melt other candles
and make them out of those?

Where do you get those candles?

- Other candles.
- But then where do you...

- Let's go.
- No, get out, get out!!

Out? I'm already outside.

We have to run! The heat's here!

I told you this family doesn't get wins.

No, we're not running.

I'm not giving you guys
the life my dad gave me.

We're stopping right now.

Are you guys still having sex?



Ma'am, is that them?

It's them. Stop right there!
Put your hands in the air!

- Really? Are we doing this?
- He's got a g*n, General.

Thank you, General.
General, what should we do?

Drop your w*apon,
or I will take you out!

- No one is taking anyone out.
- They're fake.

Yeah, the don't know that.
Why did you put that on?

Because it looks stupid
without the g*n, okay?

It looked like a double fanny pack.

Drop you g*dd*mn w*apon!

All three of you turds
stop talking right now.

Sorry, ma'am. General's orders.

That's right, General.

Out here, we respect
the chain of command.

No one outranks a general.

Anyone sh**t anything,

I'm gonna put all three of you
shitheads in jail, too, okay?

- Nate!
- "Nate"?

- What? That's my name.
- It's a first-name basis.

Nate, just put your hands
in the air, please!

What would you like me to do...

hands up or remove my fake w*apon?

He's not complying. Comply! Comply!

To which order?

He's not complying to my order
to comply! General!

Holy shit!
Guys, we're a family, all right.

Nothing's gonna happen. Don't be stupid.

First you k*lled General Sleepy,
now you're calling us stupid?

Oh, you are gonna be in for payback!

I didn't k*ll him.
He had terminal... something.

He would have told me if he
could remember what it was.

- Oh, God.
- He was old.

I thought he was sleeping in
the plane and then he was d*ad.

He was d*ad. It was a moment for me.

I... I gave him a eulogy.
I tried to honor him.

We both... both of us did.
We both wanted that.

And we were gonna burn him,
and then the rain came.

The Alaskan weather. Edie.

- "Edie"?
- That's her name, okay?

Edie, come on, you remember Wasilla?

Yes, yes, the thing with the guy.

Yes. Same thing.

The situation just got out of control.

It happens, I understand.

Anyway, long story short,

kids got high and kicked
him off a mountain.

I say we take those kids out!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! g*dd*mn it, General!

Children are our future.

Guys... Guys, listen to me. Please.

Everything is gonna be okay. I promise.

You just have to stop running.


Reach for the sky.

What the f... Oh, shit!

Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, God!

This town ain't big enough
for the two of us.

- What?
- Go ahead... make my day.

No, no, Tanaka-San! Tanaka-San!

Bad idea! Bad idea!

Edie, Edie! It's all fake.

Some weird Japanese cosplay bullshit.

- Wait, what?
- You told me you liked it.

I do. I do. You've done
a magnificent job.

- You really have.
- Why now?

She really has.

Trust me, we went through
this today already.

It is all fake. They just
love American history.

You think "Fat Man" and "Little Boy"

would cure them of their love
for cowboys and Sha Na Na.

We got bogeys at all
the o'clocks, General.

I say we light them up!

No, just stop! Don't do anything!

- This is your final warning!
- That's a good idea.

General Carol, send them a warning!

- Oh, shit.
- What? No!


- [Laughs]
- Whoo!

- Yeah! Oh!
- Whoo!

Get on the ground!
Get on the g*dd*mn ground!

I've got the Randalls
and... so much more.

Mm-hmm. Yes, thank you, sir.
It's good to be back.

All right. You did good, little girl.


Put your hands on top of your head.

Do what she says.

Ow! Oh, oh, shit!

What, what?

I think I dislocated my shoulder.

Oh, my God.
After all we've been through,

that's the thing that breaks you?

I haven't done yoga in a year!

Ow! Oh, God, it hurts!

So you wasted how many years
of your life on the run?

About two.

But the important thing
is that we're free.

And alive and... we're still a family.

Yeah, speaking of which,
where the hell is your sister?

- She's in the bathroom.
- Well, go get her. We're gonna go.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

If you release them,
I will never find J.R.

They are my hostages... witnesses! Shit!

Lady, lady, listen to me.

What is your obsession with my father?

So he owes a few back tariffs?
Okay, he's a multimillionaire.

He can come in here, and he
can write a check tomorrow.

Then why doesn't he?!

I feel like I've been
chasing him my entire life.

Well, you're never gonna find him.

He's a ghost.
Disappearing is what he does.

- Oh, it's just so frustrating!
- Yeah, tell me about it.

Try having him miss your teenage years.

- Yeah, I know.
- Uh, no, I don't think you do.

Do you know how many
birthdays he missed?

- All of them.
- Exactly.

- Mine, too.
- No Christmases.

- None.
- No Thanksgivings.

- No Halloweens.
- He was never there.

- Never!
- Ever.

Office Randall, sign these release forms

and send these people on their way.

- Randall?
- Hmm?

Are you sh1tting me right now?


Are you sh1tting me?

Is that what this is about?

No! This is about J.R.

This is about someone who has never
had to answer for what they've done.

And he needs to understand
that choices have consequences

and that he broke
the government's heart!

So it is about that.

- Yes.
- Oh, my God.

Um, can somebody tell me
what's going on?

Are you serious right now?

I really thought Vanessa
was the stupid sister.

Oh, she is my stupid sister.

Your stupid sister.

- Yeah, my stupid sister.
- No, no, no.

Honey, youses' stupid sister.

No, listen, hey, Nate does not consider
her a sister because they had sex once.

Holy shit!

- She's your sister!
- No, I'm your sister! It's me!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! I have a sister!

- Oh, my God!
- I'm right here.

Shh. It's not about you right now.

Oh, shit!

I never thought this story
would have a happy ending.

No, nobody did.

Who's happy about me being framed?

I went to prison.

You were gone for two years.
I was very happy.

I just can't wait for this
little guy to meet his aunt.

And his cousins and his father.

- Father?
- Uncle. I meant uncle.

I don't know why I said father.
I'm so sorry. So weird.

Then why did you say that?

I just... 'cause I think 'cause
we were talking about our father,

and so I was, like, thinking
father, but then I was like...

- She conflated it.
- It happens. It just came out.

But you pointed at me,
and you said "father."

No, I didn't. I was, like,
pointing just generally, like,

gesticulating like this.

This is so great. I'm so excited

that we have this, like,
big happy family now.

[Both laughing]

- No.
- We don't need it.

Delilah? Delilah, we're leaving.


Get out.



Oh, shit.

' ", blonde hair, eyes hazel.

Name is Delilah Cherry Parker.

We have a missing girl, ' ",
blonde hair, hazel eyes.

Name is Delilah Cherry Parker.

Where is my daughter?
Somebody say something.

Somebody please help.

She's nowhere in the building.

Trust me, Robin,
I promise we'll find her.

What are you talking about?

You spent the past years
not finding Randalls.

Your sister the runaway type, kid?

Well, I mean, she rides a snowmobile,
but usually, she doesn't go anywhere.

- Where is she?!
- Baby, baby, it's fine, okay?

She did not run away.
She left her stupid alpaca.

She doesn't go anywhere
without this thing.

Mom, Dad, it's me... Delilah.

So, I guess by now you
figured out that I've run away.

- What?
- It wasn't an easy decision to make,

but it was one I made a long time ago.

I just want you to know
that I love you all,

but I can probably do better on my own.

I mean, seriously, how could I do worse?

Please, don't come looking for me.

I don't want to be found.

And, frankly, I've learned
from the best.

That means you, Mom.

So believe me when I tell you
you'll never find me.

Robin, she's your daughter.
She loves you.

She probably just got scared

because of the arrest
and the blowing up a building.

But she's a kid.

She doesn't have the tools
to just disappear.

Robin: The first thing you need to do

is become someone that
no one's looking for.

So that means finding d*ad people

who are around the same age as you.

Fist bump.

Next up, birth certificates.

Which means you find a lonely
desperate county clerk

who will believe anything you say.

♪ You are my sunshine ♪

♪ My only sunshine ♪

♪ You make me happy
when skies are gray ♪

What's she gonna do?
She doesn't have any money.

♪ You'll never know, dear ♪

♪ How much I love you ♪

I see you managed to spend
the money I sent you back.

What money?

♪ My sunshine away ♪

Where's she gonna go on foot in Alaska?

Trust me, not far.

- That's the guy you like?
- Mm-hmm.

But mostly I'm just
using him for his car.

♪ I've always loved you ♪

I promise you have the full cooperation

of the United States government.

Trust me, Robin. We'll find her.

No, you won't.

♪ But now you've left me ♪

♪ To love another ♪

♪ You have shattered all of my dreams ♪

♪ You are my sunshine ♪

♪ My only sunshine ♪

♪ You make me happy ♪

♪ When skies are gray ♪

♪ You'll never know, dear ♪

♪ How much I love you ♪

♪ Please don't take my sunshine away ♪
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