02x09 - Sofia's Choice

[bunniefuu]

So, what do you think?

Heh. Are you the sheriff
of a Chuck E. Cheese?

Are you a pilot for
Definitely a Virgin Airlines?

Fawz got me a temporary
gig working security.

That's right, we've had some break-ins

at one of my apartment buildings,

so I hired a couple of
expert security guards,

and Tush.

Why didn't you ask me?

I've been a police officer for years.

Oh, my God, I'm such an idiot.
Of course!

Randy, do you know any cops
who might be interested?

Me! I'm on a leave of absence.

I could use the extra money.

- Great. You're hired.
- Oh.

Oh. And one more thing.

Every time I enter the lobby,
you have to salute me.

Oh. Can I use my middle finger?

So that's a no on the salute.

I have great news.

You found another bathroom to use?

Aw, we'll miss you.

No. I just booked my first catering gig.

- Congratulations, Sofia.
- Thank you.

Arthur, I need somewhere to prep.

- Can I rent your kitchen for the night?
- Nah.

- No one uses my kitchen.
- Oh, c...

- Please? I'll pay you bucks.
- No.

Yo, we're not open tonight.
What's the big deal?

. Barbara O'Bannon
wanted to make pies here

for a fund-raiser.

A crew of two turned into .

The next day my sprinkles were gone.

And there was jelly on my ceiling.

Thank God. I thought that was blood.

Guess I'll call the guys

who own the diner over at Ashland.

They're always asking me
to speak Spanish to them.

That's nice.

They're Korean. It's weird.

Yo, if you're worried
about your kitchen,

why don't you pay me to work that night?

I can keep an eye on Sofia.

Mm, I bet you'll keep an eye on Sofia.

(high-pitched): Whoo...!

Okay, what are you talking about?

And why do you sound
like a flamboyant ghost?

Oh, come on.

We've all seen it.

How you laugh at her stupid jokes,

choking down that healthy
garbage she sells.

ARTHUR: Come on, face it,

you got a crush on her.

(high-pitched): Whoo...!

Okay, do you have any idea
how ridiculous y'all sound right now?

Oh, don't be embarrassed.
I think it's cute.

Yeah, me, too.

Hey, look, if renting out my kitchen

helps you court this young lady,
then great.

Might turn into a carriage ride, huh?

- If she gets chilly, you offer her your coat.
- Oh. So, what,

go back to the s?

'Cause that wasn't a
great time for my people.

Diner guys said no.

Well, look no further,

'cause Arthur said you
can use his kitchen.

Under the condition
that Franco is with you.

(high-pitched): Whoo...!

What's going on?

Okay, so, uh, these guys think

I volunteered to watch you

because I want to go on a date with you.

Oh. Well,
it's a little too late for that.

Why?

What?

Well... we've already hooked up.

Does "hooked up"
mean what I think it means?

It means...

(high-pitched): Whoo...!

Hey, hey. We're done with that, man.

Are we?

BOTH (high-pitched): Whoo...!

♪ ♪

Well, well, well.

You two have been sneaking around

and secretly dating.

Ain't a secret,
ain't sneakin', ain't datin'.

And ain't really none of your business.

Ah, well,
we respect your privacy, Sofia.

But we don't respect Franco's.

(chuckles) They do not.

(chuckles)

Okay, so I'll let you enjoy all this.
Bye.

(giggles) Get a life.

What up, Shorty La-La?

Nope. Not doing nicknames.

What's got into her?

Apparently, Franco. (chuckling)

Why would you...

So you finally

told them about you and Sofia, huh?

How do you know? I didn't tell you.

We live in a tiny apartment, man.

Just because you zip me
up in my sleeping bag

does not mean I can't hear stuff.

Well, I'm glad you two are dating,
Franco.

Yeah, it's been a long time
since you had a girlfriend.

Would you stop? We're not dating.

And she's not my girlfriend.

Nobody does that anymore...
People our age don't put labels

- on everything like you guys did.
- That's just what

two hot people do when
they get together.

Uh, thank you
for the creepy compliment, man.

Look, I just got into college,
all right?

I don't have time for any
of that serious stuff.

That's kind of how the
kids are these days.

Except, of course,
my daughter, the nerd.

Her and her boyfriend
are taking things slow.

They study together,

watch movies in the dorm,

you know, hang out as friends.

- Ha!
- Ha!

- "Study together."
- Hook up in the library.

- "Watch movies."
- Hook up in his room.

- "Hang out as friends."
- Hook up in her room.

Aw, damn!

She's a chip off the old block.

ARTHUR: You know, Franco,

I think that your generation
likes to keep things casual

because you, uh,
you're afraid of getting rejected.

No, look, no, you just got
to put yourself out there.

Look, that's how I got Joanie.

- "Got Joanie"?
- Yeah.

Like in exchange for a cow
and bag of magic beans?

Well, laugh all you want,

but we were happily
married for years.

Well, as tempting as it
is to take dating advice

from a bunch of single people over ...

I'm cool with the way things are.

And Sofia is, too.

So if my daughter says she's
"cramming for finals..."

You don't want to know.

Okay, rookie,
let's go over a few simple procedures.

Tush, I'm a cop.

- I think I can handle this.
- (laughs)

You may know the streets,

but an apartment lobby,
whole different beast.

Okay, smart-ass,

tell me this...
what is the highest thr*at

to personal safety in
this building right now?

It's feeling like this conversation.

The garage.

The perp waits behind a vehicle,

and then slips under the
rolling door as it closes.

Interesting. I was just gonna tell you

all the places you can nap

without being seen on
the security cameras.

You nap on the job?

Pretty sweet way to make
bucks an hour, huh?

Wait. $ ?

I'm making $ .

Really?

Well, maybe that's because I
was the assistant floor manager

at a tractor factory.

I'm a cop,

and a million times
more qualified than you.

Just because I'm a man doesn't
mean that wasn't hurtful.

Gee, I bet Fawz is paying
me less because I'm a woman.

I can't wait to bust him on this.

Okay, but just keep this
between you and Fawz.

I can't afford to get involved.

I need a job on my résumé
that I didn't get fired from...

or start a fire at.

So you're not gonna back me up on this?

No.

But don't let me stop you...

You should speak up for yourself.

Back at the factory,

I found out that other guys
were making more than me,

so I marched into the boss's office

and I insisted on a raise.

- What happened?
- A week later

they shut down the factory,
moved everything to China.

Oh, my God,
I cost people their jobs.

Ooh, let's get Chinese tonight.

Okay, just a few ground rules.

This area over here, off limits.

- That's the sink.
- All right,

the sink is fine, but the rest...
off limits.

I have memorized

every square inch of this place,
and I expect to find it

- exactly the way I left it.
- Okay.

So, open bag of flour, next to a bucket

of stale grease,
on top of what looks like a shoe.

Oh, that's where my shoe went.

Also, don't use this chopping block

for anything other than chopping.

Unless "chopping" means... (whistling)

In which case, no chopping.

Okay, I resent the fact that
you think I would have sex

on your dirty-ass counter, all right?

I'm more of a walk-in freezer freak.

All right, look, if she breaks the rules

you might find it hard
to lay down the law, see?

So all you got to do
is bang on this pipe...

and I'll come running down from
my apartment lickety-split.

Which also sounds like

something you shouldn't
do on the cutting board.

Well, thank you,
but I won't need your help.

All right.
Okay, so, you kids, uh, have fun.

Not a lot of fun.

In fact, don't have any fun.

In fact, I'm taking this.

I'll just, uh,

get out of your way.

Uh. Unless you want me in your way.

'Cause I can do that, too.

First, I have

to make pounds of arroz con pollo

and empanadas.

- (knocking)
- Oh.

Good. That must be Joaquin.

- (gasps) Hola! ÿCómo estás?
- Hola, guapa!

JOAQUIN: Te ves súper bien.

Disculpa que llegue tarde pero
ya estoy aquí para ayudarte.

- No te preocupes.
- Chicago te ha caído muy bien.

(laughing): Juaco!

Hola.

Who are you?

Uh, Franco, this is Joaquin.

He's gonna help me with the empanadas.

Joaquin, this is my friend Franco.

Friend?

I understand that word. Okay.

Um, so, how do you two know each other?

- We used to work at a restaurant in Madison.
- We were dating

up until this one picked
up and moved to Chicago.

But now Joaquin's moving here.

He's opening up his own restaurant.

You're moving here?

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, that sounds kind of risky. Don't you think?

Like, I wouldn't call Chicago an
"eating" town, you know?

ÿPor qué llegó este muchacho
aquí si no va a ayudar?

Ah, él trabaja aquí.

Uh, el patrón le preguntó

que si podía venir...
(continues indistinctly)

Me gusta su chaqueta.
ÿAdónde la compró Franco?

Whoo! Heard my name.
Heard Franco. I heard my name.

Uh... wh-what'd he say about me?

He wants to know where
you got your jacket.

(scoffs) Forever .

Please do not translate that.

No, no. I got it.

That's nice ink you got there, man.
What are you, a...

a baseball fan?

Played a couple of
seasons for the Brewers.

Just the minor leagues.

- Oh.
- That's where the modeling agency found me.

(chuckles) You're a model, a chef,

and a baseball player...
You know, it sounds to me

like you're having trouble
finding who you are, Joaquin.

- (knocking)
- Oh, that's the door.

I'm gonna get it.

Coming!

Oh, man.

- Yo. I got your text.
- Yeah.

Where's Sofia?

And what's a Jo-quinn?

It's this dude she used to
go out with in Wisconsin,

and now he's moving here.

But you know what? Maybe it's nothing.

- Just take a look and let me know what you think.
- Come on, man.

You're Franco Wicks.
This guy can't compete with you.

You really have to get
in there and massage it.

- That dude's gotta go.
- I know.

But I can't kick him out.

Sofia's gonna be pissed off at me.

But I do know somebody who doesn't mind

being the bad guy.

Yo. This is Sweatpants.

'Sup?

So, uh, sorry to interrupt,

but Arthur told me to check on things

every once in a while.

So, uh, counter... good.

Mm, desk... still desky.

And, uh, let me check these pipes.

You know, sometimes they get clogged up.

Nope, all clear.

Y'all good to go. Carry on.

SWEATPANTS: Oh, last thing,

Arthur doesn't like it
when there's two people

on the same side of the counter,

so we gotta...

Ooh, damn. You are solid.

Bet you got a seis pack, huh?

That's Spanish for "six-pack."

I think he knows, Sweatpants, let's go.

Randy, I got your text.

What's the emergency?
Do I get to evict someone?

I mean, do I have to evict someone?

So, you're paying Tush $ an hour,
and me .

Is that because I'm a woman?

Well... yes.

But that's because men have to
take care of their families.

I have a daughter.
Who's Tush supporting?

She's got you there.

I have no one.

Well, Tush started before you...
he has seniority.

Three days.

And he spent one of them

stuck in a stairwell.

You've got some pretty tough locks here.

I'm not sure why you need us.

Look, women in this country
make cents to the dollar

compared to men.

I'm paying you .

#resist, #thatswhatshesaid.

Fawz, you have got to make this right.

Equal pay for equal work.

Fine. Tush, now you're making .

Wait, what?

Randy, I said keep me out of this.

If you want to pay him less

because he's a dope,

that's your business.

But if you can afford
to pay $ an hour,

then you can afford to pay me that.

Sorry. I if you don't like it,
you're free to walk.

#takeitorleaveit,

Hashtag
"if you're gonna leave it let me know,

I gotta find someone else."

Asi esta bien?

No. Mas despacito.
Tienes que tener paciencia.

Okay.

You know,
I don't know what they're saying,

but, damn, that's a sexy-ass language.

This part gets a little messy,

and I'm meeting
with friends later, so...

Hey, there's an apron right there, man.

ARTHUR: Hey, what...

What the hell's going on here?

Who's this?

This is my friend, Joaquin.
He's helping me.

Oh, nice to meet you, Joaquin.

Aren't you the spicy enchilada?

He's not allowed to be here. Get out.

- What?
- I was very clear... just you and Franco.

This is Barbara O'Bannon all over again.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, I need him. There's no way I can

make the empanadas without him.

Look, you knew the deal...
either he goes or you go.

Seriously?

Okay, I'm so sorry.

Let me walk you out.

- Esta bien.
- Okay.

Hey, yo, Joaquin, you still going out,

to, like, a club?

And might it be a plus-one situation?

Man, I'm sorry I woke you up, man,

but I know you wouldn't
like some stranger

- messing with your stuff, you know?
- Yeah.

Looks like he was
messing with your stuff.

But you're not jealous, right?

I mean,
you two are just "hooking up," right?

You don't know what
you're talking about.

It's a little more
complicated than that.

Well, it wouldn't be if you
knew where you stood with her.

I-I-I'm just saying.

Hola, guapa.

Yo, I'm sorry about Arthur,

but you know how he gets sometimes.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

It's so crazy that he...

that he came down here for no reason.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

What now, kid? Oh...

She found out about the pipe thing?

Mm-hmm, yeah.
Maybe we should text next time.

Yeah, maybe.

I don't believe you.

Why did you get rid of Joaquin?

He took off his shirt. You know,

the food could have got
contaminated with, like,

you know, chest hair and cologne and...

That is crap, and you know it.

I thought I was just doing you a favor.

So, hey, if you don't want me here,
I'll just leave.

Whoa. Where do you think you're going?

I thought you was pissed off at me.

I am, but I still have
empanadas to make,

and you just kicked out my only helper.

So grab an apron.

I don't know how to make empanadas.

Well, figure it out.

Because if I don't pull off this gig,

I'm going to make you pay for it

for the rest of your life!

I'll stay. That's my choice.

I'm terrified, but that is my choice.

Oh, my God, these look terrible.

They look nothing like Joaquin's...
I'm dead.

Hey, look, stop panicking.

He's not the only one who
knows how to make these.

I'm gonna go on YouTube
and find a tutorial.

And there we go.

Two million hits. The Shirtless Chef.

And... it's Joaquin. God...

What is up with you?

Why are you being all jealous?

I'm not jealous,
I just don't like seeing you

with some other guy here.

That's literally the
definition of jealous.

- You're being so territorial.
- What?

I just don't like him
all up in my space.

Which is the definition of
"territorial."

Buy a damn dictionary.

And I don't...
I thought we were just having fun.

It's not like we're dating.

Maybe we should date.

What?

Sofia, I like you. I like you a lot.

All right?
And I want to take you on a date.

I want to pay for dinner,

and when it gets cold,
I want to give you my coat.

I have a coat.

Maybe you forgot your coat.

Maybe you didn't think the carriage ride

would be so chilly, and you was like,

"Oh, it's a chilly carriage ride,
let me get a coat."

I'm like, "Here take the coat."

I don't know, it was Arthur's idea.

Franco, I think you're awesome

and amazing, and I really like you.

But I just can't right now.

You know, I-I-I just, I don't have room

for a relationship with anyone.

I have big plans for my business.

A food truck, then catering,

and then a restaurant.

And you know what that's like.

You have big plans, too.

(sighs) Yeah, I do. Yeah.

And who knows, I mean,

maybe someday, when we're not so busy,

we can go on that carriage ride.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I'm dying to see how that
whole coat thing works.

And you know, just so you know,

that whole bulked-up, muscly vibe...

it's not really my thing.

See? It's so played out, right? Yeah.

You want a guy you can
b*at in arm wrestling.

- You know what I mean?
- Yeah.

A dude you can give a piggyback ride to.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

You want a guy you can
share your jeans with.

And I know that 'cause I tried
'em on when you were in the shower.

Which was weird.
I knew it was wrong when I did it.

- So, how did it go last night?
- SWEATPANTS: Not great.

When I showed up at the club,

Joaquin pretended like
he didn't even know me.

I-I was talking to Franco.

Franco, how did it go after
I got rid of Joaquin for you?

Well, I took your advice
and I told Sofia

that I wanted a relationship.

- And?
- She doesn't.

Well, good. You made some progress.

How the hell is that progress?

.

- Oh, man...
- Ernie Menchilla.

The poker king of uptown.

I asked Joanie to be my best gal,

but she was so mesmerized
by Ernie and his accordion,

she barely knew I existed.

But I hung in there, see,

and eventually everything went my way.

You just gotta be a little patient.

Okay. All right.

Wait, so what happened
to that other guy?

Well, let's just say
we never saw him again.

Arthur, did you k*ll Ernie?

I was just trying to sound badass.

He moved to Delaware.

Oh, Fawz, I've been looking for you.

- You have?
- Yup.

Something occurred to me last night.

The reason women earn less

is because we never talk about pay,

so we never know if it's equal.

I agree, it's a great system.

What's your point?

I called all your female employees...

from your real estate office,
your travel agency,

and your dry cleaners.

Now they all know that
the men get paid more

for doing the exact same job.

Oh, well, if they have a problem,

they should come see me.

Oh, well, lucky for you they're outside.

Ladies?

Linda? Tiffanie?

You... from the travel agency?

We want a raise.

- WOMEN: Yeah... Right...
- What?

No. Especially not Linda.

She just took three
days off to have a baby.

I wasn't gonna get involved,
but right is right.

Aw, thank you, Tush.

Dammit, these gals deserve
a raise and maternity leave.

And it wouldn't k*ll you
to pay us a compliment

every once in a while... they're free.

Wait a minute, if you're all here,
who's minding my stores?

All those well-paid men.

What? No, they're idiots.

Well, that's all you got left.

Ladies, sit, have a donut.

Don't mind if I do.

Okay, okay, fine, fine.

I will pay you exactly
the same as the men.

All right.

Which is still % below
the industry average.

Come on, I need a win here.

All right, we'll take it.

Okay, great, come on, back to work.

Back to work, let's go.
Come on, come on.

And, Linda, please,
no more breastfeeding during lunch.

We have a closet for that.