02x10 - Labor Pains

[bunniefuu]

Hey, good morning, Randy.
What can I get you?

Something to throw up in.

Arthur, she needs the puke bucket.

Which one? Saint Patrick's
Day or Cubs season opener?

I just looked at my Facebook.

My ex-husband is running around
Europe with his new girlfriend.

Literally. They just jogged
from Belgium to Luxembourg.

Aw, what a beautiful couple.

Of insensitive jerks.

Girlfriend, you got to get on Facebook

and show him how great your life is.

TUSH: She already did.

Yesterday she posted

about her new big purchase, pans.

Did you say "pants"?

No. (scoffs) That was Tuesday.

- The stretch corduroys?
- Yeah.

I was excited for you.

Randy, it's simple.

You need to make your life
look better than your ex's.

My Iraqi cousins who
follow me on Instagram

think that I'm the owner
of the Chicago Bulls

and I'm married to a Kardashian.

I hang out in a donut
shop with you people.

What is so exciting about that?

ARTHUR: Hey, excuse me,

but these napkin dispensers
happen to be brand new.

Who says you can't exaggerate a little?

I happen to be a wiz with Photoshop.

I can make it look like
you're anywhere in the world.

I don't know.

This is why I'm on a social media detox.

All those "likes" and "retweets"

are just another form of
instant gratification.

I don't need that.
Where's my damn donut?!

Franco, it's here,
your letter from Dearborn College.

I thought you already got in.

Oh, now it's my financial aid package.

Now I'll find out if I
can actually afford to go.

I'm so nervous.

That's why I brought you
some homemade cookies.

No, man. I'm too anxious for that.

What I really need is some weed.

Just eat the cookies.

All right, here we go.

"Dear Mr. Wicks.
You've been awarded a package of grants,

"loans, and work-study that
are the equivalent of"...

First year tuition! I'm covered!

Boom! Let's celebrate.
Pass me the cookies.

That's terrific, Franco.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. What's this?

"Additional fees not included?"

Facilities fee, a health plan fee,

art supplies fee? That's almost $ , !

Now I'm depressed. Pass me the cookies.

Yo, Arthur, can I get an advance?

Again? I gave you four
in the last two months.

You got to figure something else out.

You need to find some more income, baby.

Franco, how much do you and
Sweatpants pay for rent?

$ .

How much of that do you pay?

$ .

Okay, I know where this is going,

but Franco does not have
time for a second job.

No, he doesn't,
but you have time for a first one.

I've had plenty of jobs.
I was Santa for Christmas.

I was the Easter Bunny on Easter.

And I know I was Baby
New Year for something.

Yo, I hate to say this,
but Arthur's right.

You got to find a job, a steady one.

Fine. Guess I'll update my résumé.

All right.

Does "making weed cookies"
go under skills or hobbies?

♪ ♪

Okay. Here's the plan.

I take your picture,
we drop it into a bunch

of fancy European locations, and voilà.

Your ex goes full-on FoMO,

which means "fear of missing out"

and not what you're thinking, Fawz.

Hey, man, I'm not FoMO-phobic.

Okay, first,
you're in front of the Eiffel Tower.

Come on, loosen up.

You just spent the day
wandering the Champs-Elysées,

enjoying vichyssoise
and Chateauneuf-du-Pape.

What?

You saw a mime and it's cool.

- Oh!
- (phone camera clicks)

Now you're in the Louvre
looking at the Mona Lisa.

Ah.

(phone camera clicks)

Ooh, but it's smaller than you thought.

Oh.

(phone camera clicks)

All right.

Time for some Photoshop magic.

(phone chimes)

Ay! I just got a text
from Sweatpants, man.

He got a job.

- Already? That was quick.
- Yeah.

Well, wasn't that quick.
It took seven years, dude.

Have you guys been living
together that long?

Yeah, when my dad kicked me out,
I moved in with his family

till I found my own place.

And then when his folks
moved back to Maryland,

he moved in with me.
Dude's like my brother.

So where's he working?

At a retirement home.
You know what this means?

When he comes home at night,
he's gonna smell weird?

It means I'm gonna be rolling in it.

Okay, perfect!

Take a look.

Oh, wow.
It really looks like I'm in Paris.

Wait till Paul sees this.

While you're at it,

you think you could put my
head on Ryan Gosling's body?

For your wife?

Sure, for my wife.

(laughing) Woo! There he is.

Where have you been?

We got to play Medieval Dead.

I've been waiting for you
so we can cr*ck level .

Cool. But look, man. I got you
some donuts so we can celebrate.

My favorite kind.

BOTH: Free!

So, uh, what are we celebrating?

Your new job.

Oh, yeah, about that.

- I'm not taking the job.
- What the...?

The hell, man?

Well, in the interview they said

I could be Assistant
Activities Director.

And I was like, "Bingo!"
because you know old people love Bingo.

So I go to orientation today,

and they say I got to wear
these-these baggy scrubs.

Why would I want to hide
these natural curves?

You always do this, man.

Any time you get an opportunity,
you just blow it away.

Like that time you quit the
job being a limo driver.

I wasn't allowed to talk.

Or-or the time you quit
being a tour guide.

Sometimes I get shy.

Come on, dude, l-look.

The minute I find a job
that's fulfilling, I am there.

No, no, man.
So I got to wait for you to be fulfilled

before I can pay for art school?

You know what?

Ever since you got into college,

you've been walking around
here like you Ving Rhames.

Ay, don't-don't start
with that right now, man.

You think you're better than me,
and I'm just dragging you down.

You're not dragging me down,

but look,
I got all these new bills, dude.

And I-I need a roommate who
can pay his share of the rent.

So what are you saying?
Are you-you kicking me out?

You're not giving me
much of a choice, dude.

Wow. I thought we were friends.

(scoffs)

Well, friends don't spend seven
years freeloading, do they?

Freeloading? I do tons of stuff for you.

I wake you up in the morning for work,

I cook, I wash the dish.

Thank you.

But is any of that gonna
help me pay for college?

Well, if that's how you feel,

I'll gather my things and leave.

- These are all your things.
- Yeah, I just realized that.

Okay, well, you know what,
packing will be a breeze.

May I borrow a suitcase?

Look, you ain't got to leave
right this second.

Where you gonna stay?

Mm-mm. Don't worry about me.

I don't need your help.
I don't need anybody's help.

I need your help.

It's after midnight. What's going on?

Franco kicked me out.

So either I sleep on your
couch or in a Dumpster.

I recommend the one
behind the mattress shop.

Hey, hey!

This is all your fault.

You're the reason he turned against me.

With all your crazy ideas about
me being useful and productive.

All right, fine. You've got three days.

- (crash)
- Sorry!

You've got two days.

Hello, Arthur.
I will have a maple cream, please.

We're doing self-serve today.

Just grab a donut, leave the money.

What about my change?

Just take it out of the Cancer Fund box.

What's wrong? Why are you so out of it?

Sweatpants kept me up all damn night.

You could've warned me
about the sleepwalking.

And also the sleep eating.

Well, you know what he's never done

is "sleep pay the cable bill."

Thank God he's only
staying another two days.

Hey, look, I feel bad
kicking him out, you know,

but I need the cash.

And I already found a new roommate
off the bulletin board at my school.

The dude Venmo'd me two months'
rent already.

- Is he a husky Polynesian fella?
- How'd you know?

He's staring at you through the window.

(chuckles) Zale!

I didn't want to intrude.

I invited you, man.
Come here, bring it in.

Uh, germs.

Different germs.

Well, anyway, I got your key.

Oh, just drop it in.

Anyway, um...

Do you want a donut on the house?

Oh, no, slippery slope.

You give me something free,
then you'll come to where I work

- and expect a free sandwich.
- Ooh!

So you get free sandwiches, huh?
That's dope.

So it begins.

Well...

I'm off.

You certainly are.

Okay, he's a little weird.

He's getting into an
Uber through the sunroof.

Yeah, but he can afford that Uber, hmm?
And rent.

Good advice, Arthur.

Aw, he's asleep.

Yes, asleep.

Oh, no, we have a problem.

My ex just texted me. He's in Paris.

So?

His hotel is right on the same block

as the café you checked me in.

He wants me to meet him there.

Okay, don't get
your baguettes in a twist.

Text him back,
say you're just leaving for a rendezvous

with a tall, dark Frenchman.

- (phone rings)
- Oh, no. It's too late.

He's calling, and if I don't answer,

it's gonna seem suspicious.

Sacrebleu!
We're going live from Cafe L'Argent!

Uh, everybody act French!

Uh, allo.

- Not you!
- Oh, oh.

Hello. Hi. What's up?

- Uh, Cirque du Soleil! Ooh-la-la!
- Uh,

- Gérard Depardieu!
- Oh.

(French accent): Oh, yes,
it certainly is : here in France!

Oh, so, you want to...
you want to swing by the café?

Uh, oh, no!

Madame, I just spilled
some French food on you!

Oh, oh, no, what a mess!

I think I'm gonna have to go change.

I-I'm so sorry I won't
be able to see you.

- Au revoir.
- Au revoir.

(relieved sigh)

We meet again, Malthazar.

The golden chalice...

shall be mine.

En garde!

(grunts)

Wow. That felt real.

Is this what you've been doing all day?

Hey, Arthur.

Nah, it's a virtual reality game

that transports you into
a medieval fantasy world.

- You got to try it. Come on.
- No, no, don't put

that thing on me...
I don't want your stupid... Whoa!

- Yeah.
- Half man, half horse.

Oh. He's so beautiful.

- (chuckles)
- Hey, come on,

Arthur, come and sit and play, man.

You know what goes great
with dragon slaying?

Nachos and beer.

(chuckles): Yeah.

Oh, thank you.

Whoa, this is absolutely amazing!

Yeah. I'm glad
you're enjoying it, roomie.

Oh, by the way, you know how I said

I was gonna move in
with my cousin Bruce?

Well, he's out of town, so is it cool

- if I stay with you another couple of weeks?
- Sure. Why not?

Whoa!

Check out the figure
on that fairy princess.

Who needs real women? Am I right?

(laughing)

(English accent): No offense, milady.

♪ ♪

Franco, why are you so late?

I spent all night in urgent care,

'cause it turns out Zale
is allergic to lettuce.

P.S. I'm his emergency contact now.

Well, at least your money
situation is taken care of.

I guess so.

Well, speaking of roommates,

did Sweatpants find a place to live yet?

Well, actually,
he's gonna be staying with me

for a couple more weeks,
and then he's gonna be moving in with...

His cousin Bruce?

- How did you know?
- That dude

has been talking about moving
in with his cousin Bruce

for the last seven years, man.

- What?!
- Yeah.

Hey-hey-hey, roomie!

Oh.

Hello.

Sweatpants.

You look well.

As do you.

By the way, Arthur and I

have been playing a lot
of Medieval Dead lately.

Oh.

Malthazar says hark.

Malthazar?

You... you got to level without me?

Where was the key?

- The gargoyle had it the whole time.
- (grunts)

He wanted a hundred coins, but...
Arthur talked him down.

Congratulations to the both of you.

Mm-hmm.

SWEATPANTS: Great news.

Medieval Dead is dropping next Friday!

Sweatpants, you're not gonna be
living in my place next Friday.

So we're moving?

Sit down.

Listen.

Why can't you get a job?

(sighs) I've had jobs,
but I always get bored.

And I ask myself,

is this what I want to do
for the rest of my life?

So far the answer's been,
"No way, José."

That was actually just my
last job at The Burger Barn.

José was the manager.

You know,
that sounds like a cop-out to me.

That's easy for you to say...
you've got donuts,

and Franco's got his art.

(sighs) You guys found your thing,
and...

I got nothing.

You think I was born with
a passion for donuts?

I just needed a job.

But I found some things
I loved about it.

Like running my own business
and-and making people happy.

So if I stick with any
lame-ass job that comes along,

I'll find my passion?

I don't know, but...

you're certainly not gonna
find it sitting on a couch.

TUSH: Arthur's right.

Any job can be fulfilling if
you've got the right attitude.

Why, just last week,

I had a gig cleaning out
a dead guy's apartment.

Turns out we had the same size shoe.

His soul's in Heaven,

and his soles are also on my feet.

Are you guys sure this
one isn't over the top?

- A lot of people go to the Vatican.
- Yeah,

but do a lot of people ride
shotgun in the popemobile?

Hey, if your ex is gonna
ride a dolphin in Sardinia,

you're gonna do him one better.

Welcome to Rome.

SOFIA: Oh, my God,

are you guys still doing this?

- (computer dings)
- Is that another "like"?

No. My daughter just tagged me

in a photo of us having
breakfast this morning.

In Rome?

In a Denny's.

In Rome?

All right, don't panic...
we can save this.

Randy, what are you trying to prove?

You know, I guess I just wanted
to be the first one to move on.

To have a cool new life.

You do have a cool life.

You have a beautiful daughter,

you're a cop, which is badass...

and you have friends who
would do anything for you.

Yeah, without us,
you'd have never done body sh*ts

with the Italian women's soccer team.

All this social media stuff
just makes you depressed.

It makes you feel like you're
missing out on something,

but what you're really
missing out on is all of this.

Oh, you're right.

You guys, thank you so much.

Thanks.

This was actually a lot of fun.

You know, the three of us should
take a trip for real sometime.

- Oh. That's a good idea.
- Yeah.

- That would be fun. Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, we could do that.

It's not gonna happen, is it?

God, no.

Oh. Hey, Franco.

Isn't this your day off?

Yeah. Thought I'd pick up a few hours.

Got nothing else to do.

Aw. You miss Sweatpants, don't you?

I'm sorry, who-pants?

And now he's freeloading off of Arthur.

He'll never change.

Actually, that's not true.

Okay, what are you talking about?

You know what? Let me show you.

Come with me.

- Okay.
- Come on.

Hey, Tush. Mind the shop.

You know, it's very unprofessional

that Arthur leaves the
store completely unattended.

He just left me in charge.

Like I said.

Fawz, when's the last time
you were at your dry cleaners?

I got to go.

♪ ♪

SWEATPANTS: All right,

here you go, Mrs. Culver.

Orange chamomile with
a little bit of honey,

- just how you like it.
- Thank you, Sweet Pants.

That's Sweatpants.

- I know.
- (chuckles)

Mrs. Culver, you better watch it, now.

(chuckles)

I can't believe it...
he actually took the job.

Yep. Four days ago.

- Doing pretty good, huh?
- Yeah.

Can I help you?

- I'm here for Sweatpants.
- Oh...

Are your legs cold?

- Wha...? No, no.
- Oh, let me take you

- back to your room.
- No, you don't understand.

I don't live here.

Come on. I'll give you some pudding.

What flavor we talking?

Franco. What are you doing here?

Well, Arthur told me about your new job,

and I thought I'd drop by.

It's not perfect, but...

I'm gonna start from the bottom,
work my way up.

Which is also how I give sponge baths.

I'm gonna stick it out.

So... you don't think you
might get tired of it?

No.

Even if I did,
there are literally beds everywhere.

Congratulations, man.

Thanks.

I was pretty mad at
you for kicking me out.

But the truth is, you were right.

Well... now you're making steady cash,

so you can move back in with me.

I appreciate that, man,
but I don't think so.

It feels pretty good
standing on my own two feet.

I'm even looking at
getting a place of my own.

- Yeah?
- Yeah. And when I get one,

I'll have you over for a few
beers and a home-cooked meal.

Cool, man. What can I bring?

A few beers and a home-cooked meal.

I got to go set up for
the Senior Olympics.

We're starting with the two-yard dash.

(laughs)

All right, man. Have fun, all right?

Things good?

Yeah. Thank you for bringing me here.

You ready to go?

I don't know. Kind of like this place.

After I finish my pudding,
they're giving me a sponge bath.

You know,
Sweatpants does the sponge baths.

Let's get out of here.

ARTHUR: Hey, Franco.

Isn't that your roommate?

Ooh.

I made a copy of the mail key,
so I brought back yours.

Cool. Give me it. Where's it at?

In here.

I'll get it later.

(laughs): It's SpongeBath Sweatpants.

- How was work?
- It was good.

My ride on the "L" was even better.

A woman asked me if I was a doctor,

and I got her number. (chuckles)

- Only six digits there, buddy.
- Oh.

Eh. It wouldn't have worked out anyway.

Some guy had a seizure,
and I had to perform "CPR".

He survived, even though all I did

was rub his chest and yell "clear!"

Hey, yo, hey, meet my new roommate,
Zale. Zale, this is Sweatpants.

Yo, what up, Zale? How you doing, man?

Ah, you work at a nursing home.

Let me know if you
need any false teeth...

I make them as a hobby.

I'm gonna go.

All right, man.

(quietly): Hey.
I'm gonna miss you so much.