(YELLS)
(CHERYL CHUCKLING)
Hello, my young lassies!
Are you ready to do
some trick-or-treating?
BOTH: Yes!
Yes!
Wait, honey.
Where's the Halloween candy?
Huh?
"Huh?" Honey, I called
you this morning.
I asked you to get
Halloween candy.
Honey, one call puts
it on the radar,
two calls makes it sink in.
Honey! I don't have any
candy at the house
and kids are gonna
be here any minute.
Let's go, Daddy.
(EXCLAIMS) Yeah!
There's my little Dracula.
Let's go.
You, my saucy wench,
I'll be back for you!
Come on, you bum!
Jim!
What?
What are we gonna do?
Okay. For the fairy princess,
we have some meat loaf,
and some three-bean
salad for the rabbit.
And for the mummy,
spicy gazpacho!
Okay. Happy Halloween.
Okay, bye-bye.
What do you want from me?
That's all I have!
That's all I have!
(EXCLAIMS)
Oh, baby!
Hey, did you help the girls
get dressed for school?
Yes, I did.
Did you brush their teeth?
Yes, I did.
Round in circles, like the dentist
said, not back and forth?
Cheryl, why do you care?
They're gonna lose
those teeth anyway.
And yet, you still
comb your hair.
(EXCLAIMS)
What the...
Cheryl, did you unplug this?
Yeah, I needed to plug
in my new face steamer.
Well, why didn't you just use your
plug on your side of the sink?
'Cause I need that for my
hairdryer and my toothbrush.
Cheryl, you know what?
We used to have two
separate sides of the sink.
And then, one day, your face
cream made it over here
and I didn't say anything
because I was trying
to be a good neighbor.
But I should've
said something then,
because now I'm just
drowning in exfoliants
and scrubs and nose strips
and this. Look! Look!
What is this?
When did my soap turn pink?
So a few of my things made it
over to your side of the sink.
Honey, it's not just the sink.
Come here, I want to show
you something. Come on.
Oh, honey, you already
showed me something.
Pull up your boxers.
Mommy, we're ready for school.
(LAUGHING)
Honey.
What?
CHERYL: This is what you
dressed them in for school?
What? They're pretty girls,
showing off a little bit.
All right, you guys,
go get your cereal.
You look beautiful, girls!
You do.
Just beautiful!
Honey.
Look.
Okay. Now,
you see this here?
Yeah.
Look.
Your clothes have made it
past the half-court line,
into my space.
Well, honey, if we just
had a normal-sized closet
like everybody else in
the neighborhood...
Okay, there you go again,
comparing us to the neighbors.
Oh! My closet's
too small.
I need a new couch.
I want smoke detectors!
Why are you making such
a big deal out of this?
Remember when we moved
into this house?
I had a whole room to myself.
I had a foosball table, I had
a dart board, a mini fridge.
Well, and then we had kids
and they needed
someplace to sleep.
Great. You get knocked
up, I gotta suffer.
Come on!
Jim.
What?
Well, it's very simple.
I have more clothes,
I need more closet space,
therefore...
"Therefore"?
What's with the lawyer talk?
Look, I am a man
and I want my space,
and you're trying
to take it away.
Just like all women do!
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about
the basketball courts,
the Senate floor, outer space.
All men's places that
women have taken over.
You know, maybe you shouldn't
have given us the right to vote.
Well, it's too late to put
that genie back in the bottle.
Fine. You can have
the outlet back
on your side of the bathroom.
And you know what else?
You know what else?
I want you to keep your clothes
out of my side of the closet.
Even though you don't need it?
Especially because
I don't need it.
All right, fine.
I'll get rid of a few things.
Good.
Yeah.
Hey, does this mean
there's gonna be a line
down the middle
of the bed, too?
Yes.
But, you know,
we'll be like Canada.
A lot of free trade
going back and forth.
All right.
What about this?
Keeper pile.
(SIGHS) This is
never gonna work.
Everything looks good on me.
I know.
I have that, too.
Look, you obviously
don't want to do this.
Why don't you just
keep the clothes?
Dana, you don't understand.
You're single.
Marriage is compromise.
I promised Jim I'd get
rid of a few things.
Oh, Cheryl.
Could you be any more hung up
on making your marriage work?
You know, I can do this.
Here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna turn around
and you're gonna take all these
clothes and take them to Goodwill.
And no matter what I
say, you keep going.
Okay.
(GRUNTING)
(STAMMERING) All right,
you know what?
I kind of changed my mind.
Yeah, you know what?
Totally never mind.
(STUTTERING)
Yeah, you know what?
You go out that door, you are dead to me!
Why did you stop?
I don't know where
Goodwill is, anyway.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Jim said he really
needs more space.
(SCOFFS) Jim?
What about your space?
I mean, come on, you're stuck
in this house all day,
kids hanging off you,
you know, no privacy.
At least they give a hamster
a wheel to run around on.
Maybe you're right.
Darn right I'm right!
There are more women on
this planet than men,
and it's time we start
taking what's ours!
We're gonna start
with your closet.
You know what?
I'm gonna do it.
Uh-huh. I'm keeping
everything in that pile.
And you know what else?
I might buy a belt.
Ow! You go!
You go, girl!
(STAMMERING) What was that?
That's my "Z" snap.
Oh. I love that!
Yeah. Try it out, mama.
Okay.
Well, it's not for everyone.
Did you k*ll the spider?
Yes, you baby.
Go on, flush it. Flush it.
Come on.
Flush it!
What is it with you
and spiders?
It's a phobia.
Everybody has them.
You have phobias.
Like that one about
being naked in public.
Cheryl? Cheryl?
Yeah.
Cheryl.
Why are there more of your
clothes on my side of the closet
than there were this morning?
Yeah, well, I heard
what you said today
about, you know, needing more
space, and you're right, I do.
What? What?
Yeah, so, I went shopping.
Cheryl, this is not the
kind of disobedience
that makes me hot.
JIM: Okay?
Jim!
You don't need more space,
you have tons of space.
You got a whole
office you go to.
That's my work. That's my office.
That doesn't count.
Well, okay, okay.
What about the band?
You spend all that
time in the garage.
Yeah, well, the point is,
I don't have tons of space,
and what little space I
have, you're invading.
I mean, everything, everything
in this house is yours.
No, Jim, it's ours.
It's part of
our joyous commitment
to spend our lives together!
Ours!
Ours?
There's not one thing in
this room that I've picked.
Well...
Not one thing. Look.
Anything there? No.
Anything here? No.
Look, look.
Bonsai tree?
Yours.
Dust ruffle? Yours.
Duvet? Yours.
And the fact that I even know
those words makes my skin crawl.
Yeah, but, you know what?
That's not a bonsai, that's a topiary.
I don't want to know.
I don't want to know what it's called.
Cheryl, come on, I wanted to
put some of my things in here
but you said they didn't
go with anything.
Jim, you wanted to put
up a set of bull horns
with "Mexico" written on it.
I had a theme in mind, Cheryl.
Well, Jim, I'm going to take up
as much of that closet as I need
and you can just deal with it.
What? What?
(STAMMERING) What the hell?
What's that?
That's my "Z" snap.
Oh.
Cheryl, I will not be
denied my space,
because that's what men need,
and make no mistake about that.
I am a man!
There's another
spider in our room.
Cheryl, you want to
get that, please?
Jim?
Yeah.
What have you done?
Oh, you know, just sprucing
up our room a little bit.
Hey, Cheryl, check this out.
Score one for Team Jim.
No, this is all
the stuff you had
in that dump you lived
in when I first met you.
Yeah. Yeah, I found
it up in the attic
where you temporarily
stored it for seven years.
CHERYL: Oh.
Look, honey, it's so great.
You know what we can do?
We can soak the carpet in beer
and we'll turn it
into a frat house!
Yeah. We can call it
"I'm a Mega Jackass!"
(LAUGHING) Ooh!
You get on the board
for that one.
Hey, Jim, where
do you want this?
(EXCLAIMS) Oh!
I don't know.
Well, why don't we ask Cheryl
because this is her room, too?
Cheryl, where's the
funniest place to put this?
The funniest place?
Yeah, because...
Oh!
All right, now, get
this junk out of here.
What do you mean?
What?
Come on, I've been
living with your stuff
for the last seven years. Oh.
I think it's time for a
little change of pace.
Unless you have a
problem with that?
I don't think so!
Ooh!
J-dog, kicking it old school!
JIM: You give this message
to the sisterhood,
that men all over the country
are gonna take
their space back.
The free ride is over!
Play me out, Andy.
(BEATBOXING)
(MIMICKING
RECORD SCRATCHING)
(EXCLAIMS)
Hey, girls.
What are you doing?
Staring contest.
And I'm gonna win.
Oh, really?
Well, I got a buck
says you lose.
Well, well, well, look at that.
Spaghetti and meatballs.
I wasn't expecting this for
another couple of days.
What you mean?
Cheryl only makes
spaghetti and meatballs
when she is utterly
broken and defeated.
You see, Cheryl is speaking
to me through the food.
And nothing says, "You win.
"I'm no match for
your twisted genius,
"you six-foot
sex machine"
like spaghetti and meatballs!
All right, let's go.
Oh, hold on.
Hey, look, Britney Spears!
You lose, princess.
(SPIRITUAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Well, I guess the meaning
of spaghetti and meatballs
has officially changed
to "up yours."
Cheryl, what is going on here?
What did you do to the garage?
Oh, honey, don't worry.
We're only halfway through the standing exercise.
Grab a mat.
Come on, join in.
A mat?
Cheryl, I have band practice
here in minutes.
Oh, I'm sorry, honey. You're gonna have
to find somewhere else to practice
because we got here first.
Yeah, I put up a sign-up
sheet to avoid any ugliness.
There are still
some spots left.
Hey, Jim, there's a : a.m.
window. Should we jump on it?
Cheryl, Cheryl.
Yeah. Yeah.
I thought this was over?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Spaghetti and meatballs!
(LAUGHING)
Spaghetti and meatballs!
You know, if you two guys
had a tall, skinny friend,
that could be your nickname.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Do you mind?
You're ruining our chi.
Cheryl?
Yeah.
You're barking
at the big dog, now.
Oh, no. Hell, no!
Y'all went up and done it.
Right.
Hey.
Hey.
What's going on?
Everything's back the way it was.
Oh, yeah.
I was thinking about my chi,
which I know is the vital
life-force of the body.
And, uh,
I think it's
a little out of whack.
I don't want to fight anymore.
You win.
"You win"?
Jim, are you up to something?
Oh, yeah, Cheryl,
I'm full of chicanery.
You find that word when you
were looking up "chi"?
Now, I was thinking
about the attic...
Yeah.
It's nice up there.
I figured maybe I can make
the attic my personal space.
Oh!
I mean, unless you want
to share it with me?
No, no. That's a great idea.
It's all yours.
Just mine?
Yeah, yeah.
You know, it will be
like your clubhouse.
Yeah.
No girls allowed.
Oh, right.
Whatever you want, sweetie,
my gift to you.
Oh, thank you, sweetheart.
JIM: One, two,
three, four.
(BAND PLAYING LOUD MUSIC)
Jim?
Jim!
(MUSIC STOPS PLAYING)
JIM: What?
Get down here.
Sassy little thing.
Cheryl, you know what?
If you have a problem,
don't send Danielle Steel up
here to do your dirty work.
Hey, Tony, come on down.
Bathroom's open.
Oh, good.
Here.
Oh, thank you.
Danielle Steel.
She speaks to me.
Wait. You're having band
practice in the attic?
Yeah, well, I wanted
to practice in the garage,
but, you know, the
sign-up sheet was full.
(CHERYL GROANS)
False alarm.
Nice read.
Hey, Jim, what time's the party?
(STAMMERING) Wait.
You're having a party?
Well, it's just
kind of a housewarming.
You know, I mean, good
friends, good conversation,
fondue.
Fondue?
Oh, we're having fondue.
ANDY: We're having fondue!
(DRUM ROLL)
You are not doing this.
(LAUGHS) Watch me, baby.
Jim! Jim!
Get back down here!
We're not done arguing yet!
JIM: Two, three, four.
(BAND PLAYING BLUES MUSIC)
(GRUNTING)
(SIGHS)
(MUSIC STOPS PLAYING)
JIM: Cheryl?
Will you please
plug it back in?
(SIGHS)
Cheryl?
I can't see anything.
Oh, I see, so now
you wanna talk?
Cheryl?
(TRAPDOOR CREAKING)
Cheryl.
Cheryl!
(JIM YELLING)
Jim! Jim! Oh, Jim!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, honey.
Oh, are you okay?
Are you okay?
Honey? Honey?
Look.
Honey, I know.
I know, baby.
Oh, baby, are you okay?
(GROANS) Are you okay?
(STAMMERING)
Oh, yeah, I guess so.
Are you sure?
Let me see.
(PANTING)
Yeah. I'm fine.
Oh!
Oh, thank God!
Oh, thank God! Oh!
What the hell's
the matter with you?
Hey, how are you feeling?
Oh, I'll live.
Just, uh, for the
next or years,
you got to do the cooking
and the cleaning.
So, this is what you've
been fighting for?
This is your special place?
Yes.
But, honey, all
you got up there
is a folding chair
and your stupid signs.
Cheryl, it's not about
what's up there,
it's about what's not up there.
What're you talking about?
Cheryl, when you were a kid,
did you ever have a place that you
could go to that was just yours?
Yeah. My dad built
me a clubhouse.
It had a chimney
and a doorbell,
and it had this
dining-room set
with this china... Okay, okay.
Cheryl, Cheryl.
For those of us
who weren't millionaires...
(LAUGHS)
You know, we had
to improvise, Cheryl.
My uncle, Paul...
Yeah.
...he had this
great restaurant.
You know, it was two stories,
and I used to go there
once in a while, you know.
And he had a dumbwaiter
that went, you know, from the
first to the second floor,
and I was just the right size
where I could crawl
in the dumbwaiter.
Then I could pull on the rope
and I'd go right
between the floors.
And right there, there
was this crawl space.
And I used to put my
candy there, my comics,
my little army men...
Oh!
And when I sat there, I could
shut out the whole world.
And for that moment,
I could just relax
and be myself.
Mmm.
I know I'm older now
and I'm married
and I got responsibilities,
but I still need
that dumbwaiter.
Yeah.
I still need that place
that's just mine.
You gonna be up
there all the time?
I don't know.
I just need to know
that it's there.
Okay, sweetie.
But you know, honey,
it's just so empty up there.
I mean, there's a braided
rug in the garage...
No.
What about a table?
Now, I can just...
No.
Honey, maybe I can just...
No decorating!
No making comfy!
No... You're not even allowed up there.
Don't even look!
Okay, sweetie.
Thank you.
I'll call you for dinner.
Okay.
Oh, hey, honey?
Yeah?
Did you check for spiders?
Huh?
Well, I'm just thinking, when
you fell through the ceiling,
you probably
disturbed their nest
and that really makes them mad.
Uh, I think I'll help
you with dinner.
Well, that should do her.
I got every last spider.
Are you sure you got 'em all?
Trust me, I took no prisoners.
Great. Thanks, Andy.
No problem.
JIM: Andy!
Why are you making that face?
I look fat in this, don't I?