RUBY: Daddy.
Yeah?
Want to see
an optical illusion?
Sure.
Hold your fingers like this.
Okay.
Now, touch the tips together.
Okay.
(GIGGLING)
What're you doing?
It's funny.
Honey, that's not funny.
It's not funny when you trick
somebody and you hit them.
I'm sorry, Daddy.
Oh! It's okay,
baby, it's okay.
Just... Just
don't do it again.
Hey!
Hey, Dana.
Hey, Dana.
Hmm.
You want to see
an optical illusion?
Sure.
Okay.
Take your two fingers like this...
Okay.
...watch the tips...
Mmm-hmm.
...and try to
bring it together.
Ow!
(LAUGHING)
What's that? Where do you
think Ruby learned it from?
(EXCLAIMS)
Oh, baby!
Okay, Ruby, bet's to you.
Four pretzels.
Honey! One of those
has a bite out of it.
Just bet three.
In or out, Daddy?
I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in.
Better go to the ATM machine.
Jim!
You signed your truck over
to Ruby two hours ago.
Just walk away.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
I'll get it.
Danny!
Hold it right there,
little girl.
You just violated household
security rule number A,
never open the door
to a stranger, danger.
Did you bring me something?
Yeah.
I have a puppy and
some candy in my van.
Yeah!
No, no, no.
Better work on those home
security rules, huh, Jim?
Oh, yeah, Danny,
good to see you.
Cheryl, how are you?
Hi, Danny, I'm good.
Well, you've been waiting
for them all year. Yes.
Tickets to
the Policeman's Ball.
Oh, great!
Danny, can you stay?
Love to, but your security,
which you feel in your home right
now, is predicated upon me,
patrolling the mean streets
of an even meaner city,
knowing that any moment
I may go toe to toe
with some hammer
wielding psychopath.
So, can you stay?
Yeah, why not?
Hey, Danny, did you talk to the
brass about the Policeman's Ball?
I want the band to play.
They went for it.
They did!
Oh!
Great! Great! Great!
How much money do we get paid?
Nothing.
Open bar?
God, no!
Preferred parking?
Negatory.
All right, we'll do it.
Oh, honey, a semi-professional
non-paying gig!
I'm so happy for you.
(SHOUTING)
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Oh, thank you, dear.
Hold on a second.
Well, hello.
Come on in. Come in.
Officer Michalski, I know these
people are your friends,
but there's an illegal
cable hook up out there.
Well, that was there
when we moved in.
I mean, it's the reason
we picked the house.
Come on in.
Jim, Cheryl, this is my partner,
Officer Laraine Elkin.
Oh! Yes.
Pleasure to meet you, citizens.
Nice to meet you.
Yes, we first met
on a multiple suspect .
When I arrived at the scene,
this diminutive
minion of justice
was laying her night stick
right in the immobilizing
nerve cluster of that perp.
Can you believe
I get paid for this?
Can I see your handcuffs?
You break the law, ma'am,
you'll see the
handcuffs soon enough.
I think you better frisk this
little suspect right here.
Oh!
Oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Laraine!
That's gonna stain.
Why don't you come into the kitchen?
I'll get that out.
It's okay, honey.
It's okay, baby.
It's just an accident.
I see you have
a lovely home here,
Cheryl Oh, thank you.
It's a burglar magnet.
Close those windows at night.
Hey, Danny,
how about you stop
by the garage tomorrow?
The band is rehearsing.
We'll work up a song for the ball.
All right.
What, uh, what's
been going on here?
Little poker?
Yeah.
You know, as a law
enforcement officer,
I really should stop this game.
You didn't see anything.
See, the trick is
to dab not rub.
Oh!
Thanks.
You know, if you
ever find yourself
confronted by
an armed assailant,
aim for the brachial
tendon of the g*n arm.
When you hear that pop,
you'll know you're home.
Thank you.
Sorry.
I thought we were
exchanging helpful tips.
Oh.
You see, look.
It's almost gone.
Thanks.
Yeah.
I'm wearing these to the ball.
What? You're not
gonna wear a gown?
Well, the only dresses I own are for
when I go undercover as a hooker.
Yeah. I can see how that
might not be right.
But, come on!
Don't you want to look
pretty for the guys?
You do like guys, don't you?
I get that question a lot.
I don't know why.
Of course.
You know what,
my sister and I are taking
you to the mall tomorrow.
We are going to get you a gown.
Well, all right.
All right.
Why not?
Say, we'll take my squad car.
Oh, yeah, I can park
anywhere I want.
You know, that
is so much better
than Jim's homemade
handicap placard.
(CHUCKLING)
I'll pretend
I didn't hear that.
Hey.
Why do I know I'm gonna find a
whole lot of shoes in that bag
and nothing for the boss?
Here. These
were on sale.
Boxer briefs?
Next stop, San Francisco.
Honey, Laraine
needed everything.
She didn't even have eye shadow.
Can you believe that?
Cheryl, I am not wearing these.
And she talked about
Danny the whole time.
I think she has a crush on him.
Cheryl, these look too clean.
Lincoln and Douglas
need room to debate.
All right, I'll take them back.
Now, focus.
I think Laraine has
a crush on Danny.
No.
And neither of them
has a date for the ball.
Stop right there.
Oh, come on, they're
perfect for each other.
Cheryl, look who's not
focusing right now?
No, I'm not gonna do it.
I just don't see what's the harm in
suggesting that Danny ask Laraine out.
Cheryl, there are certain
unwritten rules that men honor.
I know. I know.
Eyes straight ahead at the urinal.
But even more important,
men don't meddle in
other men's love lives.
Also, men never use the
phrase "love lives".
Now, just drop it.
All right. Fine.
Good.
Yeah, it's great.
That's too quiet.
I can hear you
not letting it go.
I'm not asking you to meddle.
I just think it would be nice if you would
nudge Danny in Laraine's direction.
What is it with you?
Why can't people just be single?
You can't even relax
unless every woman
is paired up with some guy
that she can nag to his grave.
Well, I mean, I...
(CHUCKLING)
Not talking
about our marriage...
You know what,
stop right there.
You're only allowed to dig
yourself one hole at a time.
Honey, you know
I love our marriage.
I know. Honey,
I know you do.
I know. But
you know what,
we may not even
have been married
if Danny hadn't meddled
the night we met.
Danny?
Yeah, that night in the bar.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
(SIGHS) We've been here six minutes
and not one guy has hit on us.
No. I have to think it's you.
Oh!
I am stoked.
I think this place is totally
awesome and the people are so...
Oh, God, incoming!
Hey.
How you doing?
How you doing?
Well...
I'm Danny.
My friend, Jim.
And you must be?
Impressed, not!
(LAUGHS)
You got a great laugh.
Oh, come on.
I'm sure you've heard lots
of girls laugh at you.
(ALL LAUGHING)
There it is.
There's that laugh again.
That is amazing.
Oh, well, thank you.
You're welcome.
I'm Cheryl.
Cheryl. And this is my sister...
Agnes.
Agnes.
I'm Agnes.
So, Cheryl, Agnes, can we
get you ladies anything?
Oh, thank you.
Harry, we'd like
two more wine coolers
and I'd like to see
the dinner menu, please.
So, feeling the music.
Are you? Oh.
Yeah.
Come on, Cheryl, you
want to bust a move.
Oh, no.
Oh, come on.
No, I'm not much of a dancer.
You are a dancer.
I can tell. Oh, oh...
Come on, I got
the boogie fever.
He's a b*at daddy.
This is contagious.
Oh, I...
Come on, baby.
Come on, baby.
So, are you from Tennessee?
'Cause you're
the only I see.
Okay, we gotta go.
Yeah. It's a long drive
back to Tennessee.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, you can't go. Why?
Because Jim really likes you.
Well...
I've known him for a long time
and I've never
seen him like this.
We troll for chicks
three times a week.
Troll. That's
a good word.
No, no, wait a minute, look,
you see that TV up there?
Yeah.
Okay, that's the Blackhawks
in overtime, in the playoffs,
and all he wants to do
is dance with you.
Well...
You got to respect
that level of commitment.
I mean, look at him, he doesn't
even know you left yet.
(LAUGHS)
He may be a little rough
around the edges,
and there's probably a bypass
or two in his future, but...
But he's a really nice,
loyal guy, Cheryl.
Oh, oh, oh!
Come on, baby, let's dance.
Where did you go?
Oh!
Come on.
I'll slow it down for you,
I'll slow it down.
And dip.
Whoa!
There you go.
There you go.
And spin.
Oh...
You're good.
I didn't know Danny
talked to you.
Yeah. And if he hadn't,
I would have left,
and I would have
never seen you again.
But because of Danny,
honey, I stayed.
Eventually, you
stopped dancing,
and fate took over.
Three kids later, here we are.
Come on, honey, please talk
to Danny about Laraine.
(SIGHS) I guess so.
I mean, you do owe him.
Oh, that's right.
JIM: A one, two...
Go on, Danny, go.
One more time.
All right.
Here goes.
(SINGING)
All right, back to the one, guys.
One more time.
Thanks.
That was great.
Yeah, of course, I plugged
my keyboard back in.
Honest mistake.
I can't wait to tell my
parents that we got a gig.
Yeah, for the pigs.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Little respect here.
Oink oink at one o'clock.
No offence.
None taken.
It used to bother me until I
realized anyone calling me a pig
is just one planted baggie away
from seven to ten in Joliet.
(LAUGHING)
(RIMSHOT)
I'm dead serious.
Everybody got a date
for the ball?
Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, uh, Andy, your
mom buy a gown, yet?
ALL: Ooh!
No, she took one out
of your dad's closet.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Bring it on, man.
Okay, please, please, calm down.
Calm down.
Why doesn't everybody
take five, all right?
You got some beers
in the house.
Hey, no staring at my wife
and don't talk to my kids.
How about you, Danny?
You got someone
lined up, right?
No, I'm going stag.
Stag?
Yeah, I'm a lone wolf.
I travel fast and light.
It may seem sad
and empty to you,
but when my underwear
hit the floor tonight,
I can be damn sure they're there in
the morning when I need them again.
No prospects, huh?
Not even a working girl
who owes me a favor.
Hey, how about that
partner of yours?
She seems nice.
Why don't you ask her out?
Officer Elkin?
Whoo!
Looks like the lone wolf's got
a little howl in his heart.
I have to admit,
when the muzzle flash
from a . Magnum
dances across
her alabaster skin,
my thoughts do stray to
the unprofessional.
Wow, great.
Ask her.
She'd never go for
a career flatfoot like me.
I wouldn't be
too sure about that.
What do you mean?
Well, Cheryl thinks she would.
You know, she's a chick.
You know, they pick up on crap like this.
I don't know how I'd
ask her or when.
Most days we're crammed
into a squad car
with a gauge between us
and some shirtless drunk
banging on the cage
in the back seat.
Well, how about this?
Why don't you bring
her to the house,
we'll give her a little wine,
I'll have Cheryl cook dinner,
and if you feel more comfortable
with a shirtless drunk,
I'm here for you.
Ask her to dinner.
Oh, Jim, Tony's
staring at Cheryl.
I told him not to.
He said, "I don't care what Jim says."
JIM: Tony! Tony!
You see, this is what we
call a light load b*llet.
Half the gunpowder, so it
doesn't go through the perp
and rip into the flesh
of an innocent bystander.
And they lived
happily ever after.
Okay. Let's put
the b*ll*ts away.
But we like the b*ll*ts.
Oh, come on, you
heard your mother,
no clean plates, no amm*nit*on.
Next time, when I come over,
I'll tape off your room and
pretend it's a crime scene.
Yeah!
He's so good with juvies.
CHERYL: (CHUCKLING) Oh.
Danny, wait till you see the dress
Laraine got to wear to the ball.
Oh, yeah, we had
so much fun shopping.
I got this little plum
number with this bronze...
Dana, Dana.
And Laraine is gonna
look really good, too.
Did you hear that, Danny?
What do you think of that?
Yeah. Well, uh...
Yeah, I... I do some shopping
myself occasionally.
I bought some cut-offs
the other day.
Oh, oh, they're corduroy.
They, you know,
they bear weight well
and they're durable.
Well, that's one hell of a
great story, huh, Laraine?
I bet there's never a dull
moment in that squad car,
huh, Danny?
They're like...
They're pea green.
All right, we heard
it, we heard it.
Okay, girls, it's time for bed.
Can we sleep with the b*llet?
No. No b*ll*ts in bed.
God, I'm gonna be
such a good mom.
Look, Cheryl, you've got
to give me the recipe
for that string bean casserole.
Oh, oh, actually,
that's my recipe.
Really?
Mmm-mmm.
Cream of mushroom soup?
Good guess, but no.
It's a shitake miso.
I'm going through this fusion
influence right now, yeah.
Come on, I'll write
it down for you.
Great. I'll trade you one for a
stew you can make in a riot helmet.
It may not taste good,
but it'll probably be the
last meal you ever have.
Oh, Danny, come on, come on.
Go talk to Laraine.
Cheryl lives to clear the table.
Come on.
I don't mind.
All right. It's obvious he's
too scared to talk to Laraine.
You have to do something.
Me?
Yes.
Come on, I put this
whole thing together.
I got them both here.
I got you to cook dinner.
And I didn't even mention that the
pork chops were a little dry.
I have nothing more to give.
Okay, I'm gonna go help
Dana with the kids.
You have a chance
to save your friend
from a lifetime of
loneliness and misery.
And those pork chops
are not dry!
Oh, please!
(IN HIGH PITCHED VOICE)
I'm thirsty.
Danny, come on, you don't
have to wash the dishes.
Look, you just
set it in the sink
and the next day,
they're clean.
That Cheryl of yours,
she's something, Jim.
You're a lucky guy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I am,
with a little help from you,
that night at Hannigan's.
Oh! Cheryl told me
you talked to her.
Yeah, well, you would have
done the same for me.
Oh, I am trying to, Danny,
but you're making
it very difficult.
Now, come on, let's go in there
and just ask Laraine
to the ball.
Uh-uh.
Why not?
What if she says no?
Then I'll look like a fool.
And we're riding in the squad
car, we're sitting there
and she knows that I care more
about her than she does for me.
The awkward silence
would k*ll me.
God! I would k*ll
for that silence here.
Just kidding.
Come on.
Come on. She's gonna say
yes, I guarantee you.
Come on, let's just ask her.
Come on, let's go. Come on.
Come on.
Get in there.
Oh, uh, by the way, Jim,
Cheryl's pork chops...
Absolutely, already handled.
And then Jimmy Smits leaves,
and they bring in the kid
from Silver Spoons.
Oh!
Officer Elkin?
Yes.
Uh, since we're both going
to the Policeman's Ball,
I thought it would be efficient
if I swing by and pick you up,
as we have
a mutual destination,
which would be
the aforementioned
Policeman's Ball.
Well, I, uh...
She's going to
the ball with me.
What?
Yeah, she's gonna be my date.
Ah, I see.
Well, since everybody's transportation
needs are taken care of,
I guess my job's done.
Getting a little late,
I think I'll call it a night.
Can I give you a lift anywhere?
I'd be happy to take her.
Fine. Guess I can't give
you a ride anywhere.
Lucky for us all
that Andy's here.
Well, have a good time,
wear your seatbelts.
I'd hate to hose you
both off the highway.
(LAUGHING)
(LAUGHING) Yeah,
I'm a funny guy.
I think I better just go
home and clean my g*n.
Jim, walk me to my car?