01x01 - Cat Condo

[bunniefuu]

(HUMMING)

Don't worry. You'll get
your brekky soon enough.

♪ I'm alive, I'm a woman, and
I'm fresh from the shower ♪

♪ Makin' my coffee, I
start work in an hour ♪

♪ I am fun, I am saucy
'cause I do what I can ♪

♪ Call me bossy Shannon Rossy,
she's the girl with wet... ♪

(SCREAMING) There's a
dryer in the cat room.

Paul. You're at work early.

Yeah, I hit all the green lights,

and ignored a red one.

Yeah, just that my
basement place doesn't have

hot water or windows.

Did you use the dog washing station?

You're making this worse.

Oh, that's so sad.

And those were the last
moments you spent with Bandit.

(WHIRRING, SHOUTING)

(SHOUTING) My condolences
about your dog!

Sorry, we just started
renovating the vet room.

(SHOUTING) Not that
it helps you right now,

but I bet dog heaven is treating Bandit

like the angel that he is.

Bandit didn't die.

What?

(SHOUTING) He ran away!

Oh. Well, sometimes a
dog just needs to move on.

The heart says, "Shake it up, Shans."

And maybe that means that
quitting a great-paying job

was worth it because it led me here.

To Hamilton?

Sure, that means a few rodents
and an exploding shower, but...

Oh, my God! (SMASHING, SCREAMING)

WORKER: Hang on.

Sorry.

♪ I don't lose my cool ♪

♪ I love to call you up ♪

♪ And whenever I'm with you, my baby ♪

♪ I keep my Fahrenheit ♪

♪ I never lose my cool ♪

♪ I should take care of... ♪

Aunt Peggy, Nikki!

Sorry, just meeting with the staff.

Starting to feel like a real family.

A work family. You
guys are my real family.

- Don't be jelly.
- We're not.

Good.

I mean, we're not your real family.

She does know she's adopted, right?

Yes. I do. Thank you.

I'm sorry. Your cousin only
understands negative attention,

but we really appreciate
you showing us around.

Oh! I am just psyched that
you guys want to adopt.

- About that...
- Peg's allergic.

But, don't worry, I
popped four antihistamines

before coming in.

But why'd you ask for a tour if...

Nikki needs a job.

I thought you were working at the mall.

She was fired three months ago.

Yeah. It is just that we are
pretty cash-strapped right now.

Thanks again for the new laptop.

It's like you said,
you're a game changer.

You said that?

I like to be encouraging.

Oh, and the board chair called.

He wants to talk about
your expansion plans.

I know it sounds like there's lots of...

You just don't want to hire me
because I threw a Barbie Jeep

at your head, but I
was five, and I missed!

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

I mean, you enjoyed so
many Thanksgiving dinners

at our house and then there was the time

we took care of you when
your dad had the Bell's palsy.

- I'll look into it.
- You're an angel,

and that's not just the
allergy meds talking.

There's an unclaimed man singing
"Tie a Yellow Ribbon" to the kittens.

- Hi, Uncle Russ!
- Hey, Shanny!

PEGGY: Put him down,
honey. It's time to go.

Nikki'll be here at : . Bye!

Who's Nikki?

Do we need a dog walker?

'Cause I think I just hired one.

♪

Hey, Kristian! Caught Missy Minks

trying to pee in my office... again.

Sorry! Yeah, she's not
a fan of the litter box.

She's a bit stubborn.

Oh, she's just independent.

Right, Missy? We'll
find you a good home.

That'd be nice, but
she's been here for years.

Kinda the floor model no one wants.

It might be good to prioritize
the fresh-faced kittens

that people like to look at.

(MEOWING)

What? People love a gal with experience,

a... a dame who knows what she wants

and how to ask for it.

Are we still talking about Missy?

It is our job to train
all of the animals

and I bet Missy has a few
tricks up her paw, right?

She can't really see you.

Her glass eye wasn't put in right.

- She's mostly looking down.
- (CAT GRUMBLING)

Anyway, I'm increasing
the training budget

and making you acting
animal care manager

so we can get this done.

- Oh, my God! Manager?
- Acting manager.

Well, I will act just like a manager.

You won't be disappointed.

Good, 'cause we need our animals to have

the skills to pay them bills.

Get them trained so we
can get them adopted.

It's just that Missy turns next week.

Aww! Sweet for Missy Minks!

It's the perfect marketing angle.

We can, uh, host a party
to promote adoption!

Sixteen is in cat years.

Then we'll call it, "Hey, Lady, Ya' !"

We can even have a theme.
Never too old to find love.

Right, Missy?

- (LOW GRUMBLING)
- She can just see your shoes.

Hey, Paul.

Oh, sorry about the mess.

I could have done that, you know.

Uh, renovate a vet clinic?

I built a deck for my buddy once.

This is a $ , upgrade.

Yeah. Exactly. I would
have done it for half.

You know, Todd, our old
boss, never gave me a chance.

All he saw was an ex-con.

And, yes, I might be an amazing janitor,

but I have so much more to give.

Okay, well, I may
have something for you.

A special project.

A birthday present for Missy Minks.

Like a new eye?

Yes, I could do that.

More like a cat condo.

Oh.

Yeah, I-I just got pretty
excited about the eye.

Next year.

♪

I do all the financials,
as well as social media.

And this is a cost report.

Just don't look at lines to .

Those are the salaries.

Ah, let's set you up
on our staff database.

- Do you have your résumé?
- Yeah.

Perfect. Wow, Max.

Ah, IT Camp, Cosmology Camp.

Mm, Gender Studies Camp.

Yeah. My dad likes to keep me busy,

especially since my mom, y-you know.

Started working?

Ah, she d*ed.

Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry.

Oh, it-it's okay.

Everybody's mom dies eventually, right?

Right.

Ah, this is your timesheet
to keep track of your hours,

even though you're not getting paid.

- (PHONE VIBRATING)
- Okay.

Do you need to get that?

Oh, no. It's just my nanny.

Aw. A text from your grandma. So cute.

Mom or dad's side?

Uh, we got her from a website.

You didn't have someone
like that growing up?

Somebody that runs errands
and cooks and does laundry or?

I think I am someone like that.

(PHONE VIBRATING)

Ah, she-she's worried I'm
gonna skip my dressage class.

See, my, uh, my horse doesn't like me

and I can only stand being
spit on so many times.

Not by Cinnamon, though,
she's a good horse,

but by the other
riders and their horses,

and, um, maybe I will take this.

Okay.

Hey... (QUIET TALKING FADING OUT)

- Wow.
- Why are you looking at my house?

I'm not! (GASPING)

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, that was definitely my house.

I'm sorry about your laptop.

♪

Liam!

There she is, our fab
new hire, Shannon...

- Ross.
- Ross! Well, Ross,

I need to bend your
ear. Kind of important.

Ah, Joy mentioned you'd called.

I guess you heard
about Missy's 'partay'.

It's gonna be a-meow-zing.

What's going on?

Uh, we started the renovation.

But we only approved that
on Friday. It's Tuesday.

You wanted me to be an
agent of change and voilà.

Le change.

Oh, God. Stop! Hammers down, people.

What's going on?

You know Todd, your predecessor?

He got us those big
donors, the Müllers.

Yeah. Paula and Stephane.

We're naming the vet room after them.

Not anymore. Stephane's pulled out.

Because I called him Steven?

Because Paula left him...
For Todd, your predecessor.

Oh my God. Okay, stop! Stop!
Shut it down. Yeah. We're done.

Nice hole, though. Great airflow.

But what about all our plans?
The cat spa, Puppyville...

Believe me, I know. Stephane
was a backer on my lofts.

It's a disaster. For all of us.

Well, we just gotta stay positive.

We can leverage this
party, home tons of animals,

make some money so I can pay my cousin.

Kristian said that we
needed a dog walker.

No, I didn't.

Yes, he did.

- It's... it's okay.
- He did.

We're all in this together.
I've got your back.

Unless the board tells me otherwise.

♪

Oh, hey! Check it out.

Wow! Missy is gonna love it.

Is this an alpine cathedral Swiss villa?

Not yet, but it's
getting there. Best part?

Came in under bucks.

What? I said to keep it under $ !

Thought you said over $ .

- Why would I say that?
- I don't know.

You're the one who's
always going on about

"Best shelter" this,
"Better than Todd" that.

It just seems a bit extravagant for
a cat whose vision is % at best.

I was just trying to make you proud.

Plus, I had to pay extra for
the drill, the laser level,

the Japanese chisels for the drawbridge.

We don't need a drawbridge.

I agree. Should I give these
receipts to you or to Joy?

Me. Unless they fall
into the shredder first.

Shredder's broken.

Of course it is.

♪ You got it, yeah, you got it ♪

♪ Walking down the street, you know... ♪

I can't guarantee a lot of hours,

but there will be some.
It's mostly helping Kristian.

Oh, 'cause I was hoping to
do more of the business stuff.

More of an ideas guy.

Yeah, we just need someone
who can walk the dogs.

For example, you should
fix the flusher in the can

and your coffee tastes
like melted plastic.

Well, it used to taste like garlic,

so that's an improvement.

Hey, don't stress.

I just know people work
better with good coffee,

so I brought in this.

Oh, wow.

Yeah. Makes caps, fraps,
lattes, ice cream floats

if you rig the nozzle, but
I could take it home if...

No, no. That's very sweet.
I'm sorry if I've been...

It's just been a bear of a week.

I know, but I'm here now.

Double pumpkin misto? I'll
bring it to your office.

Thank you.

No, Umma, I haven't
gone to Shoppers yet.

I know Halabeoji needs his fiber powder.

Yes, I know he likes Orange.

- I like Orange.
- Hey, Joy Wonder.

Ah, gotta go.

Great job on the website,
but we're charging

$ for adoptions and
$ for surrenders.

Okay.

I want pics of every
animal we can unload.

And have you done Missy's
Instagram comments yet?

Um, yeah. Here's one.

Um, Happy Birthday to me.

♪ birthday. ♪me. X-O Missy.

Okay.

It's just the first draft.

Good, 'cause I need
you to dig deep on this.

Yes, we want the comments to be fun,

but they also need to
be true to our girl.

What is Missy's internal struggle?

Why do we care?

What darkness is under
that warm, fuzzy exterior,

but keep her likeable.

Right.

Just off the top of my
head, maybe something like,

"Meows and Kisses, Come
party with the Misses.

♪ ageing ♪catvibes."

Oh my God. That's actually really good.

Why aren't you typing?

Uh, yeah. Putting it in now.

- Wunderbar! Send it to me in ?
- Mm-hm.

What's your problem?

I spilled coffee on the new laptop

and now Shannon wants
a social media blitz

and Max is so rich he has his own horse.

I'm hearing that you need
a new laptop. Correct?

Mm-hm.

Well, it's your lucky day.

I also need Metamucil
from the drug store.

Ooh, been there.

(GROANING)

♪ It's too damn cold outside
for me to go out there ♪

LIAM: If you can give me one
loan, you can give me ten.

That's the saying! Hey, there! Ross.

Did you forget my first name?

Shannon! I'm usually very good at this.

So, Shannon, love the cat party idea,

but then Paul showed me the
condo and I was like, whoa!

I know, he went a bit
over budget, but...

No. It gave me an idea.

A Tale of Two Condos, so to speak.

Missy's condo and my condos.

Aren't we trying to home animals?

Picture this. People come to the party,

they see Missy's condo.

They think, "I want to
live in a condo, too!

Then they see a fabulous booth
with brochures, business cards,

scented candles, and a lovable
developer setting them up to

view a one-of-a-kind luxury condo.

Ooh! What kind of
candles are we talking?

No! See? Already
distracting from the animals.

Just think about it.
If you have time between

hiring family and making cappuccinos

out of your new espresso machine.

Okay, the machine is Nikki's,

but... you can set up your booth.

Great. My partner Hugh's
on it. Say hi to Ross, babe!

Hello.

And who's your social strategist?

I was hoping for somebody with
a blue checkmark on Twitter.

Joy, I need you to add this handle

to a couple of our party posts.

It's, ah, @LiamTurnerCondos.

Ah, ah, yeah. Uh, one sec.

Why are my aunt and
uncle your background?

Nikki was using it,
um, 'cause I let her.

She wasn't doing anything
wrong. Neither was I.

What was that handle again?

Nikki, just wondering why
Joy's computer is engraved

with your dad's name,
number, and home address?

Hm. Might be time for a
background check on Joy.

Pictures of Aunt Peggy and
Uncle Russ are the screen saver.

Fine. My dad gave me his old
computer and I sold it, okay?

'Cause why do I need a
computer? To send emails like:

: am. Elbow deep
in poop bags. Again.

- Excuse me. Hi.
- Hi.

I'm Jeffrey. Max's dad.
Just here to pick him up.

I'm Shannon. Max's boss.
Well, everybody's boss.

I'm the director. Uh, nice to meet you.

How do we know you're not a m*rder*r?

Nikki!

Ah, would you like to see some ID?

Pretty sure even murderers have ID.

No. That's fine.

Max is in the back, Jeffrey.

- Okay. Thank you.
- You, too.

Glad to see you believe
a potential psycho

more than your own cousin.

Okay, you're the one who
told him where Max was.

We needed a sacrifice.

♪ Lost in and locked up in your love ♪

♪ But, honey, I've had enough ♪

♪ I'm sleeping in my bed alone ♪

♪ Hold up... ♪

Posture, babe. People
don't trust a hunchback.

Come on, Turbo. Let's go.

I'm sure you and Bella
will be very happy.

She's a surprise for my girlfriend.

And just a warm,
non-judgmental reminder.

Returns are $ .

Great job on getting the word out there.

adoptions and counting!

Glad to hear it.

And, again, I am so
sorry about the laptop.

Oh, stuff happens. Don't worry about it.

Next time, just tell me, okay?

It's just when I told you
about the bathroom mirror,

- you said I shouldn't.
- Right.

Also the spider in the
bathroom is still there.

It had babies.

Maybe space 'em out, one thing a day.

Hey! Nikki insisted I bring
her pleather top for the party.

Oh, um, she's just finishing
up some work, hopefully.

You know Nikki's really turned
a corner since starting here.

She looks up to you.

I don't get that impression.

Yeah, especially seeing
her handle the burglary.

She was so assertive and
organized, just like you!

- Burglary?
- Nikki didn't tell you?

First, they took my espresso machine.

A real beaut. I won it at bridge club.

Oh, no.

And then they came
back for Russ's laptop,

then his curling
jacket. Little bastards.

Anyway, Nikki called
the insurance company

and now it's all being replaced.

- Hey, isn't that your janitor?
- Hey, Donna!

- Does he curl?
- Hey.

Excuse me!

My husband belongs to that club

and he just had his jacket stolen.

- Okay, thanks.
- Hang onto yours!

I said I'd meet you in the parking lot.

I needed to use the bathroom.

Nikki, would you like to tell
your mom why Paul is wearing

a jacket that looks exactly
like Uncle Russ's, hm?

No! I thought you were
over your klepto phase.

Paul needed a curling jacket.

Oh, uh, it does look
quite dashing on him.

Nikki, enough! If you
want to keep this job,

you give everyone their money back

and you call the insurance company

and you tell them you found the stuff.

If not, there is the door.

And don't even think about
wearing that top to this party.

Relax, it's vegan.

Ross, how am I supposed to
sell condos without a visual?

We need the cat and
the condo out here now.

Kristian's just getting her ready.

Sorry, gotta go check
on the birthday girl.

(SIGHING)

I thought you'd want the Cafe
Magnifica from Switzerland.

Yes, hello, I'd like to cancel a claim.

Yeah, I can hold.

Is it really from Switzerland?

I saw it in the photo
of Oprah's kitchen.

Oh, hang up. Hang up!

(GASPING)

Oh, wow.

Yeah. It's really sad.

Now, I'm kind of
rethinking the drawbridge.

No, I meant Missy. She's dead.

Oh, my God! Missy.

Her journey had just begun.

Had it, though?

Maybe she thought it
was too late for her.

Another night alone,

overlooking a city
of strangers thinking,

"What am I doing here?"

And then she leapt.

She just had a heart att*ck.

Oh. Well, that's more peaceful.

Then plummeted to the
ground, snapping her hip.

LIAM (SINGING): Happy birthday to Missy!

Happy birthday to... Oh, dear.

She's gone.

That's unfortunate.

Not just for me.

We all loved Missy.

I'm guessing it's too late to swap cats?

- Liam.
- Mm?

A lady has d*ed.

She's not some thing that can
be replaced with a new model.

Agreed, but we do need to
tell the guests something.

Can Missy be a dog?

No!

Sorry! We're all in shock.

Take your time.

Shannon, I know it's
not quite the same thing,

but I once bowed out of a
speech at a friend's wedding

saying that I had
Irritable Bowel Syndrome,

and most people don't question it.

(GUESTS CHATTERING)

Hi, there.

Hi. Hello.

(CLEARING THROAT) Hi.

(TAPPING CUP)

Hey, there.

Hello.

(TAPPING CUP)

Hey! Shut the hell up!

Go ahead.

Thanks, Paul.

And thanks to you all
so much for coming.

It means a lot to me

and I, uh, know it meant
a lot to Missy Minks,

but, as it turns out,

Missy Minks has gone to a better place.

A seven-story condo
built by yours truly!

No. No. Yeah. No. (CLEARING THROAT)

Missy Minks has passed away.

God, I built it too high.

She was brave in the face of le change.

When the world said,
"Stay down," she flew.

Some would say fell, but
she sacrificed herself

so that other animals could be adopted,

because it never is too
late to find your place,

even your last place, in this world.

Thanks, Shannon.

Nicely said, and it's true.

We can never assume something
we treasure, a pet, a loved one,

a luxury condo, will always be there.

In fact, I believe there
are only a few units left,

and the prices are very competitive.

But Missy will be missed.

That's the takeaway.

There's also a cat condo for sale.

$ or best offer.

♪

Nikki and I are just heading home,

but thanks for the party. So fun...

and sad, but it's good
having you here in Hamilton.

Yeah, and since my mother's here...

She is? She didn't call me.

Uh, no. Different mother.

Birth mother.

Oh. So, you're looking into that.

Yeah. I'm just curious...

Mm-hm.

What?

Well, I think your birth
mom moved to Manitoba.

Judy from our church?

She works at the agency...

Oh.

Have you heard anything else?

Oh, she was a hair dresser.

There was a rumour she
slept with the drummer from

Mike and the Mechanics.
You kind of look like him.

Hm. Hopefully her, too.

We're just lucky you happened.

You've made my sister so
happy and we love you so much.

Mm.

Okay, let's go. My
next party's at seven.

We'll have you for dinner real soon.

I'll be in the car.

Yes?

Honesty box?

This party was off the chain.

It had death, stealing.

Okay, well, you did the stealing.

Point is, it was fun.

Thanks.

I'll see you tomorrow. : o'clock.

I wake up at noon.

It's not a negotiation.

LIAM: I'm just saying
why rent when you can own?

Oh, wow.

The natural light is
amazing during the day,

and the sun just sparkles
off that steel mill.

Uh-huh.

There's a bedroom above the kitchen,

a communal rooftop garden
and a yoga studio downstairs.

I don't know. It's a bit
industrial and storage-y.

But cozy, and a toilet for every room.

Oh.

I'll even cover your condo fees.

Why would you do that?

I just want someone I can
trust who will love this place

as much as I do.

And occasionally let
service people in to access

the building's air filtration system.

(BUZZING)

And surge transformer. It
used to be the utility room.

You get used to the
buzzing and the whooshing.

Please don't tell me sewage
comes out of the shower.

Not yet.

So, can I assume there's
free storage and parking?

- Seriously?
- And Wi-Fi.

Oh, my God. 'Kay, done.

Welcome home... Shannon Ross.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Well, that was a verbal
confirmation, so congrats.

Oh, and, uh, great
job at the party today.

I know the shelter and
my condo plans took a hit,

but together we are going to
put East Hamilton on the map.

Literally. It's often
marked Industrial Sector F.

Thanks. I'm excited!

A place to call my own.

Oh, and that reminds me.

The building's phone and cable relay box

is in your linen closet.

I have a guy coming to
check it tomorrow. Bye.

Bye.

Hey, Hamilton.

(DOOR OPENING) Leaving the keys.

I was just...

You do you, Ross.

(DOOR CLOSING)

♪ I don't pick up my phone
when I know it's you ♪