04x04 - Feel Free to Comment

[bunniefuu]

I want to start a... a family foundation

in honor of my uncle Julius.

Starting Calloway Philanthropic Trust,

which will donate $ million

to surgeries for kids
who deserve to breathe

the same fresh air that we all breathe.

Hi, I'm Cassie Calloway

and welcome to the world
premiere of my podcast.

With me, I have my
son, Cameron Calloway,

and my proud lesbian
daughter Mary Charles.

I'd like to ask if there's anyone

who might be harboring a desire

for a h*m* experience to rise.

So beautiful to see people
for who they truly are!

We need to tell them,
"Get the f*ck out."

- You smug m*therf*cker!
- Please, Mary Charles, Mary Charles...

Hold up!

h*m* make you
shiver with revulsion!

[ALL YELLING]

♪ I don't want no scrub ♪

♪ A scrub is a guy that
can't get no love from me ♪

♪ Hanging out the passenger
side of his best friend's ride ♪

BOTH: ♪ Trying to holler at me ♪

♪ I don't want no scrub
a scrub is a guy... ♪

- What's up, beautiful?
- Baby,

do you think I should
get breast implants?

Mm, I think you're perfect as is.

Get in here. I want company.

Give me two seconds. I gotta piss.

Ah, my Romeo.

♪ A scrub is a guy that
can't get no love from me ♪♪

♪

Missy, call me back.

I need you running my gala
event. Say yes, please!

Sorry, I'm yelling. Okay, bye.

I cannot believe I ate four pancakes.

You would've ate the
plate if they let you.

That's why I motioned to the busboy,

- 'cause you was going in.
- Hey, hey, watch it.

That's Cam Calloway!

I told you that was him!

Hey, ladies.

- Oh, can we get a picture?
- Yeah.

- Get in, y'all, get in.
- Okay.

Oh, can you take some? Full body.

- All right, thank you ladies.
- Ooh, Cam.

Thank you, with your fine ass.

Cam-Cam a little slim
thick thing, ain't he?

Way thicker than he looks on TV.

Okay, girls, I gotta go.
Y'all have a good one.

This is as good as it's gonna get.

Unless you come home with us.

[LAUGHTER]

Bye!

I left my shades in the restaurant.

Look, I'm gonna go get
'em. I'll be right back.

Okay.

Can I ask you something?

- Certainly.
- How did you bag a man like Cam?

Pardon me?

- Pardon me. Pardon me!
- Certainly.

- Polly want a cr*cker?
- Pardon me.

So what does Cam like besides these
uppity chicks? You treat him right?

You saw the smile on
his face. He thinks so.

She say he think so.

He can't know unless he
been with a real bitch.

Talk about smiles on faces, sh*t.

I'll put a smile on his face.

We just talking 'bout
Cam Calloway. Why you mad?

She mad 'cause she basic as f*ck.

- Who you calling "basic"?
- Who answered?

I keep Cam more than satisfied, sweetie.

Oh, yeah? You dead bug him?

Polly might need a translator.

Do you eat his ass?

Dead bug is when he lays
on his back like a dead bug

while you eat his butthole
like it's a pudding cup.

If not, you gon' lose
him to a lady who does.

- Mm-hmm.
- A real lady eats ass, baby.

Noted.

It's true, even though
it sounds contradictory.

Go ahead and dead bug that boy

or Cameron just upgrade
to a real white girl.

They doing everything!

So, I made a list of pros and cons,

and I think I'm gonna do it.

No. You don't need to do it.

I got very few cons on my list.

Baby, maybe I don't declare it enough,

but I want to state clearly, again,

I love your breasts.

- Thank you.
- Don't matter

when I'm looking at you,
clothes on or clothes off.

Clothes off, I see them
in all their splendor.

Clothes on, I marvel at what's
going on underneath there

and at the fact that while
many men may speculate,

I actually know.

Get your... what are you doing?

I don't want you to get implants.

Wait, what?

I don't want you to get implants.

You thought I was talking
about getting breast implants?

Yes, I did. Why are you laughing?

Upstairs, you, uh, like
an hour ago, you said that.

[CHUCKLES] Okay.

Before I got in the shower,
I had read a post on Twitter,

about men and breasts,

and then that started a
separate train of thought

once I was in the shower,

but in more of a glancing way,

not an overly-contemplative,
reassessing way.

And yet, right when you
opened the shower door,

you caught me thinking to myself.

Audibly, naked, and
pointing at your breasts.

No, no breast implants. I want to
talk to you about something else.

Cam asked me to be the
chairperson for a gala event

for the family foundation.

You think it's a bad idea?

I think it's an idea that
should remain an idea.

- Pro number one.
- Ah, Missy.

I'll be helping people,

helping kids with the
Frozen Nostril Syndrome,

and other charities that Cam's
foundation has been formed to help.

Plenty of other ways to help.

Pro number two.

It'll raise our profile in Atlanta.

Raise my profile as an
all-purpose event planner,

and media and charity consultant.

Because what's a profile
for if it ain't being raised?

So you're with me so far?

I am with your pros,
inasmuch as they are pros

in their hopeful form,

unsullied by the emotional whims of Cam,

a big-hearted man-child
whose mother and sister

will have whims of their own
of what a gala should look like.

They like me.

Oh, no, they will like
telling you what to do.

Menu suggestions, music suggestions...

guest list and... and
gift bag suggestions,

all presented as suggestions,

but soon revealed to be commands
just disguised as suggestions.

I know all this.

Yeah, well, knowing it don't change it.

If I know that I'm about
to step in a pile of sh*t,

and then I step in a pile of sh*t,

I still stepped in a pile of sh*t,

and that's on me, Missy.

That ain't on that pile of sh*t.

Don't you think that this
is a grand gesture of trust,

from Cam to me?

Yes. But I also think
it's more than just that,

to be what it actually is
until some future moment arrives,

and it's the... the unpredictable,
mysterious, unknown future

that gives me pause, as it should you.

You don't think I can
learn from my mistake.

You could. You might,

[STAMMERING] or you could
just not make them at all.

Look, I'm sure when
Icarus put on his wax wings

and he flew into the sun,
somebody said, "Yo, Ick,

you sure you want to do this?"

Cam told me that I would run the show,

and I like being the boss.

Then you don't want this job.

But I do.

I do. I so, so do.

Then go with God, because it
will take a supernatural being

to get you through this in one piece.

[SQUEALS] Okay, let's
go tell Cam in person.

Mm-mm!

Today is his off day.
He'll be off all day.

We'll go when we done.

- You already ready to go again?
- I am a virile man.

I'm looking at you, about
to look at you naked,

so yes, take your shirt off.
Let me get some of this perfect.

Oh, trust me, this is gonna be so great.

- This part will be.
- Mmm.

- Oh yeah? Okay.
- Mm-hmm.

Here we go. Three, two, one.

Welcome to the first live streaming

of the "Things We Think That
You Should Think Too" podcast.

Hi! I'm Cassie Calloway,

the woman that's doing
all of the thinking,

and I'm joined by my love,

apparel magnate Da Chen Bao,

my producer, Squeeze,

and the world's oldest college freshman,

my daughter Mary Charles.

Let her be proof that
it's never too late

for you to get smart.

So, Mary Charles, why don't you
tell us what you're studying?

Psychology.

So your microaggressions
don't work on me.

Oh, so just in case you
guys didn't pick up on that,

that is a educated lady talking.

So, um, why don't you tell
us what microagression is?

It's when, despite there
being rooms in this mansion,

you choose the one room I'm studying in

to set up your podcast right next to me.

Oh, that's not a microagression.
That's just inconsiderate.

You know, normally my daughter and I

would have a catfight
after such an exchange,

but the new grateful me
is just gonna simply say

that, you know, I'm just so blessed

to be in this big, beautiful-ass house.

You know? I'm just
counting my blessings.

I'm blessed, blessed, blessed, blessed!

But there are a lot of people
out there who aren't blessed.

You know, a lot of people
out there need help.

That's why this podcast promotes
the Calloway Philanthropic Trust.

If you got some money you want
to give away to a good cause,

we are the trust you can trust.

Our foundation is doing
a lot of great work.

I mean, we're helping
kids breathe and sh*t.

You know, the Calloway
family is all about

sharing our voluminous blessings.

Very generous, Miss Cass.

That's who I am, Squeeze.

I just wouldn't be grateful if...
if I didn't count my blessings.

You know, I got this
big beautiful house.

You know, my banging figure.

- Oh, my God.
- CASSIE: My , podcast followers.

My billionaire boo.

On paper, not liquid.

My multi-millionaire star athlete son,

and my beautiful lesbian daughter.

Ma, don't say "lesbian" like
it's an accomplishment. It ain't!

It is an accomplishment to
be a part of a normal family

whose mother doesn't care
that you sleep with women.

See, now that's a microaggression.

This is judgmental America, okay?

Not... not the island of Lesbos.

Look, I am just blessed
to be under this big roof

and have a beautiful lesbian
daughter underneath that roof.

I want people to know that
I know that I'm blessed.

Why is it that when people
start going on and on

about their blessings, it kind
of just sounds like braggings.

It's kind of like saying you got
more of God than other people.

All right, so, since
we're live streaming,

fans and followers can
comment in real time,

so why don't you post a comment,

and we'll pick out the best one.

So since today's topic is blessings,

and I've already said mine,

who's up next?

[WHISTLING]

You know what I realized yesterday?

It's really hard to be in
a bad mood if you whistle.

Like, my out whistles a lot
better than my in whistle,

though I gotta work on that.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

That's a "nothing" that
sounds like a something.

Do you think I'm a basic bitch?

What?

When you ran back to
get your sunglasses,

those women called me a basic bitch.

Sorry about that.

They really came for me.

Like a pack of hyenas.

Wanted to rip their hair out.

It's good that you didn't.

Turn around. I want to find them.

No, you don't.

- Oh, I do.
- Oh, you don't.

Then drop me off, and
I'll f*ck 'em up myself.

Baby, you don't want
to end up on WorldStar.

You don't want to end up on WorldStar.

I don't give a f*ck.

We don't want to end up on WorldStar.

[STAMMERING] Come on,
babe. That's not you.

This is me when I want
to f*ck somebody up.

Because if that sh*t
happens to me again,

I'm gonna start sticking up for myself,

and using these f*cking hands
to cr*ck some f*cking heads.

Do you expect me to eat your ass?

[STAMMERING] Wait, what
are we doing right now?

We're trying to ascertain
your sexual expectations,

and the subject of
ass-eating's on the table.

How'd this table get in the Tesla?

Those same women said if I
don't start dead bugging you

you're gonna upgrade
to a real white girl.

Wow, you guys talked about a lot.

Upgrading from you is impossible,

and I have no clue what dead bugging is.

You lay on your back like a dead bug

while your assh*le gets eaten.

By who?

Whoever likes that kind of sh*t!

Actually, whoever likes licking sh*t.

I'm sorry. Part of being famous

is having to deal with assholes.

And apparently, eating them.

And my last, most important blessing,

is my Cassie.

- Oh, thank you, baby.
- [CHUCKLES]

- Oh, my goodness, and speaking of blessings...
- Hi.

... and my actual baby, my son Cam

and his girl Allison. Y'all come on in!

We're live streaming to
my over , followers.

Only about are on right now.

Well, today's topic is blessings,

and we're telling all
the people all the things

that we should not take
for granted. Join us!

Ma, we... we're gonna go work out.

Oh, come on. Come...
come talk to the people.

Look, baby, you're gonna be
running for senator one day.

And you don't want people
thinking that you're too good

for your mother's podcast.

Plus, we want to talk
about all the plans

for the Calloway Philanthropic Trust.

Uh, just a second, Ma.

Oh, okay. Well, hurry
up. Don't take too long.

We can go. I'm fine.

Nah, I ain't going on that.

Let's just go say a quick hi.

She asked you about truffle
butter last time you were on there.

I just learned about dead bugging.

I ain't afraid of no truffle butter.

When people are good pe...

Come on! What's the hold-up?

CAM: Ma, I'm tremendously blessed.

[STAMMERS] We're just
gonna take a flyer.

Okay, well, I... I'm disappointed,

but if the journey that God has you on

- is leading you away from my microphone...
- It'll be fun.

I'm not doing it. Trust me on this.

Okay, you know what?
Forget you, I'm going.

Okay, okay, fine.

Can I still join you right now?

As blessed as you
are? Of course you can.

Allison...

Hey, hey, just go to
the gym, party pooper.

Allison can speak for herself.

We're good.

Hey, what's dead bugging?

What?

I'm fine, Miss Cass, thanks.

Truth is, like you
said, I am very blessed.

Oh, you're with my son.
You sure are. [CHUCKLES]

Well, you know, lately, I've
been starting to ask myself,

why is it that some black
women feel like the only way

for them to be somebody is
to crap all over someone else?

What black women? Who?

What is with the black community
tearing its own people down?

Ooh, yes, this... this is a good topic.

Agreed.

Oh, no, no, we're talking
about blessings this episode.

We can talk about the black
community next episode.

This is a problematic
phrase, "the black community."

[STAMMERS] I work with black
people. I live with black people.

I market to black people,

and I can tell you there
are many black communities,

within this so-called "black community."

Yeah, well, we'll talk
about it next episode.

Ma, we're already talking about it.

I'm trying to keep it positive.

I hate how people in America

want to make all people from Asia

into something called
"the Asian community."

They go sticking Chinese and Japanese
and Koreans into one big group!

We are not a community.

The people of our nations have
been warring for centuries.

Long before humans invented ships,

our ancestors would travel on foot

to m*rder and pillage each other.

The notion that Chinese
and Koreans and Japanese

and Vietnamese and... and
Laotians and Cambodians

and Filipinos and Polynesians and Thais

all share the same troubles,
concerns, wants, and wishes

is a fiction!

Just as with pasta and calligraphy,

Asians perfected genocide
long before Europeans did.

Well, thank you, Chen. Your
perspective is a blessing.

It's like he said,
Ma, the black community

have been too slow to accept gay folks.

A lot of people in the black community

got a lot of ignorant things
to say about gay people.

White people do, too.

We ain't discussing
white people right now.

White people ain't in
the black community.

Hall and Oates came close.

Till people got a look at 'em.

I still wonder about Oates.

The topic Allison just brought
up is the black community.

For next week.

This week, we're
talking about blessings.

Well, speaking of
bragging about blessings,

there's a lot of
holier-than-thou black church folk

who ought to re-examine who
they're casting stones at,

trying to throw people like
me out of the community.

If we're all one big black community,

a lot of us hate a lot of other of us.

I like you.

Squeeze, you're wearing a rugby shirt,

and you listen to Willie Nelson.

Thanks, but you're in the last
row of the black community.

Today I didn't appear black
enough to some of Cam's fans.

What exactly are the
constituent elements

of the black community,
as you define it?

Well, one would think all
of the black community,

but there's too many of us
trying to kick each other out

for one thing or another.

Look, I'm not saying
that it's not important.

I'm just suggesting that we
actually think about the things

we think that you should think too,

rather than blurt out a rash
of things we may not think,

but think are worthy of discussion.

Because if we discuss things without
knowing what we think about them,

people may think we
actually thought things

we don't really think are for certain.

And that could be bad.

Agreed.

So let's save this dialogue
for next week, thank you.

Miss Cassie, we're up to
, people watching now.

Ma, when you talk about
the black community,

the black community comes out to
hear what you think about them.

Okay, well, I guess since the
black community is engaged,

what y'all want to talk about?

Well, maybe they can explain to me

how does calling me "basic
as f*ck" make you any blacker?

That's what they said?

Basic?

It's like saying somebody
does typical things.

Aw, baby, being basic

has nothing to do
with how black you are.

I mean, look at your
cleavage. That ain't basic.

It's black and it's beautiful.

Just lower your zipper a
few inches and you're good.

It's a mean girl thing.

It's not just women, though.

It's the black community as a whole.

So I'm out because I'm not black

the way you want me to be black.

What do I gotta do to
prove that I'm black?

Why can I not get a cogent answer?

Who... who exactly is in this idea

of black community that you put forward?

It's not like we have meetings.

but if you do the wrong sh*t,
like support the wrong politician.

Or if you do the right sh*t,
like get an education and a job.

Or if you don't do sh*t, and
they ain't got sh*t to do.

People be talking about I'm
out because I'm dating you.

I don't want you out of your community.

- Well, I don't care.
- Hey... I do.

That's black people for
you, always at each other.

We're the "I wish a
m*therf*cker would" type people.

There are a ton of women like me

that if they weren't famous,

people would be calling them "basic."

Ooh, like that
ballerina, Misty Copeland.

But when you're better than white people

at their own sh*t, we love that.

The Williams sisters.

- Gabby Douglas.
- Simone Biles.

Tiger Woods.

Doesn't one of the factions

of the non-existent Asian community

get maternal credit for him?

No. His mom can be Asian all day long

but in the USA, we are whatever
race the police say we are.

Okay, Tiger Woods in the Nike golf hat.

Black.

Tiger Woods in the hoodie.

Still black.

Tiger Woods at the Waffle House.

Black guy looking for white waitresses.

[LAUGHTER]

Look, as far as I'm concerned,
I don't care what you wear,

where you live, who you wanna date,

but when it comes to that kitchen,

there is no gray area.
I like my food black.

- Yep.
- [LAUGHTER]

I must admit,

I started losing weight
once I stopped eating black.

Now I eat sushi, salad, and quinoa.

- Nice.
- Devonte "AllBlackAllDay" Cummings

has started a hashtag,

#tastebudssowhite.

[LAUGHS] Oh, look at this one.
"Squeeze tastebuds so white

they started a mayonnaise fan club."

"Squeeze's tastebuds so white,

they think all tastebuds matter."

"Squeeze's tastebuds so white,

they let their dog ride shotgun."

Oh, yeah, got jokes. Bring it on.

But my white taste buds no
longer have high blood pressure,

so f*ck y'all. I'm from Dorchester.

I'm about as far away from a
white black person as you can get.

Devonte "AllBlackAllDay" says,
"Allison is six feet away from you."

Kiss my ass, Devonte. I'm black.

I grew up around black people.

I went to a black
school. I eat neck bones.

Ladies, I know I don't look it,

but my family is country.

I grew up on ham hocks,
greens and black-eyed peas.

And pickled pigs' feet?

- All day.
- What?

Well, not all day.

New hashtag, #tastebudssoblack.

"Allison's tastebuds are so black,

they know who sh*t Tupac."

See? A few minutes ago they had
you whiter than Christmas in Utah,

and now you're a ride or die chick.

That's black.

Then on that note, I'm out.

Oh, come on! Where you going?

You know what? I got one thing to add.

Listen, you've been
adding sh*t all day. What?

Officially, on the mic.

Whoa! Whoa, ah ah!

Please. Thank you.

Some people think about being
black as being marginalized.

If that's the case, I'm gonna tell you

who the blackest black people are.

The black lesbian.

Women are a marginalized group.

Gay women are a subset of that group.

Black women are a subset of that group.

The only thing blacker or
more of a f*cking subset

is a gay black woman in a wheelchair.

Eating a pig foot sandwich.

If it wasn't for black lesbians,

there would be no black community.

I mean, Patrisse Cullors, [STAMMERING]

Ma Rainey, Audre Lord, we get sh*t done.

Hell, if it wasn't for Harriet Tubman,

we'd all still be slaves
and this little podcast here

would be about birthing sl*ve babies.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You saying that Harriet Tubman was gay?

She might have been, might not.

You act like I said she
was a m*rder*r or something.

If she wasn't gay, she's an
honorary member of the gay community

for how she took a
stand, more of a stand

than other people, in
the name of freedom.

Okay, now the gay community
I am familiar with.

What?

By which I mean, I am
aware of its existence.

And I might assume that
the rules of inclusion

are somewhat simpler to understand

than those of the black community.

If you're a guy and you like the
peepee, you're in, for example.

But yes, Harriet Tubman I
read about in prep school.

She saved slaves.

And many Chinese worked the railroads,

which adds to her appeal.

Wrong railroad, love.

[TABLET CHIMES]

Oh, we got another hashtag.

Wow.

This is why they censor
the Internet in China.

What is it, baby?

Let me see.

Wow.

First, I would like to say

to Diva
"LivingLifetotheFullest" Jenkins,

apologies.

But just because I don't
know every single detail

of every metaphor
ascribed to every person

who's ever fought for the freedom
of black people in America,

doesn't make me a bad person.

Do you know what Mao Tse
Tung did? Or Ming Chengzu?

Do you know Emperor Wu of Han

from their Emperor Wen of Sui?

No?

Then stick your ass
in a pot of hot glass.

You know what, I created this podcast

to promote positivity, but right now,

all I feel like I wanna do

is f*cking claw somebody's
f*cking face off.

- It's all right.
- No! Baby, it is not all right.

You know how they say, "When
they go low, we go high."

Oh, no, not today. You wanna go low?

Come on, let's go
low. Let me start here.

First off, the reason why your
ass don't have a profile pic,

is because you're a
coward. You're ashamed.

I don't even know you you
get up out of bed every day

knowing that you have to spend the
rest of your day just being you.

I bet you if you even
tried to trade your life

with a starving poor
kid with a bug in his eye

that kid would be like, "Nah, I'm good."

You are f*cking lucky that I am blessed,

and that I have a podcast,

and that my son has
a reputation to keep,

and we have a mission
that needs to be fulfilled,

'cause I ain't from Buckhead.

I'm from the m*therf*cking streets!

What do you think would be
a good spot for the gala?

Uh, Atlanta Historical Society is nice.

You don't like the Ritz Carlton?

I love the Ritz. It's expensive.

We could get a sponsor. What do
you think would be a good one?

Coca-Cola. It's an Atlanta base.

You don't like Delta Airlines?

Delta's another great choice.

[SQUEALS] I'm so excited.

There's so much to plan.

Baby, I'm telling you,

this is my wheelhouse. I know it.

CASSIE: ... make it so f*cking hard.

You all are some

f*cked up m*therf*ckers!

You are ruining this country...

We can celebrate tomorrow.

Fat m*therf*ckers f*cking this sh*t up!

You think we should go back in
and see if everything's okay?

No, no we shouldn't.

And you said greed.

We will never hear from
your dumb ass again!

- ALLISON: Hey.
- CAM: Huh?

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

- Whoa, hey!
- What?

You can't just be
doing that type of sh*t

without some type of discussion first!

We discussed it earlier in the car.

No, that was not a discussion.

You just sprung a question on me,

which in retrospect I
am much more amenable to

than you trying to
spring a finger in me.

That was a finger, right?

If you want me to eat your
ass, I'll eat your ass.

Never said I desired that.

You never said you didn't, either.

Okay, well, I'm saying it now.

And you still have yet to say
if that was your finger or not.

Of course it was my finger.

Damn! You know, you got
some big ass fingers.

You could fight crime with them things.

[CHUCKLES]

Baby, you cannot let insecure women

with low self-esteem get in your head.

Knocking you off-balance
is the only way

that they can feel
like that they matter.

I've been dealing with the same sh*t

with these wannabe ball players

whose hoop dreams have
left them years ago.

Can you pass me my phone?

Come here.

Who wrote that about you?

A human being. A fellow
being on the Earth

thought that he should find this photo,

edit some sh*t, find a font,

and then put it out for the world.

It's just... it's some people, you know.

Some people just ain't good.

Shitty people are everywhere.

They're in our world, and
there's more of them being made

every single day.

The bad b*tches and their shade,

the Internet trolls who are
uploading sh*t from their laptops.

People who aren't for people.

Those people are in our world.

I don't think that the world
was made for those people.

I think it was made
for people of goodwill.

People who lead with love.

People like us.

People like us.

We just gotta stick together.

So, no dead bugging?

[CHUCKLES] No.

Baby...

Yeah?

Can you do me?

♪ Sometime I like it hot ♪

♪ Sometime I like it cold ♪

♪ Sometime I like it fresh ♪

♪ Sometime I like it old ♪

♪ Sometime I like it easy ♪

♪ Sometime I like it rough ♪

♪ Sometime I like it so much ♪

♪ I can't get enough ♪

♪ Oh oh ♪

♪ I just like it like I like it ♪

♪ I just like it like I like it ♪

♪ I just like it like I like it ♪

♪ I just like it like I like it ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪

♪♪