06x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

You never did make an honest woman
out of Nurse Gladys, did you?

You tried hard enough, though, didn't you?

Well, I'm going to make
an honest woman out of Mavis,

I just need to give
Madge and Gastric an extra push.

It's all right,
I won't be neglecting the business.

Well, all right,
please yourself, I'll keep it.

Did Mr Newbold come in yesterday?
I didn't see him.

I don't think anyone's seen much
of Mr Newbold, except Mrs Rossi.

He's not still fooling around
with that Mrs Rossi, is he?

Well, I don't think he's fooling.

What about Mrs Featherstone?

Would you fool around with Mrs Featherstone?

Oh, no, God forbid.

But he's supposed to belong
to Mrs Featherstone.

Yeah, she thinks so,
that's why she took him prisoner.

Well, now he's trying to escape.

If he does, she'll be around pestering me!

I hope you both will be very happy together.

You...

Yeah?

That Madge says I eat too much.

Are you sure she didn't say too loudly?

Oh, if you think I'm loud, you
should've heard me Uncle Beecham.

You had an uncle called Beecham?

Who did that to him?

Well, he were named after the pill.

Oh, his dad used to swear
by Beecham's pills.

Right, what have you got
for the reduced breakfast?

I can't have you cutting back
and making inroads into my profits.

Oh, no, I'm going to put you
on the Arkwright diet.

What's the Arkwright diet?

Eat as much as you want, then lie.

Oh, yeah!

This is just a suggestion.

But if you got closer to Gastric,

you'd be in pole position
for monitoring his diet.

You just want to get me settled, so
you can move into the shop with him.

Oh, I hate it when you're right.

So you're not denying it, then?

You know I'm no good at lying.

I thought you'd improved.

I think it's time we both made
our moves, before it's too late.

So make them for you, not for me.

Look, don't think of Gastric as overweight.

Think of him as cuddly.

How much "cuddly" do we need at our age?

Don't you think it's time we found out?

That's disgusting.

You see?
We're past boring already.

You move some old boxes,
you find this mouldy old snuff

and suddenly we're back
in the snuff business.

With a product that's been
lovingly maturing for years.

You forgot it were there.

Subconsciously, my grocer's instinct
was saying,

"Leave it, Granville.
Leave it. Let it mellow."

What are you actually
mixing in with this snuff?

Well, I've got some dried rosemary...

- Yeah?
- and then I've got some mixed herbs

and then, of course, some dried blueberries

to give it that nice, blue hue.

Here you are, smell that.

Doesn't smell bed.

Just hope no-one's nose falls off.

Shop!

Hello.

Good day to you, sir.
Sorry if I startled you.

I've been down in our bargain basement.

You have a bargain basement?

Oh, yes, featuring today's special offers.

Oh, really?
What would they be, then?

Snuff.

In an ornamental box.

Snuff?
Does anyone still use the stuff?

Ah, no, you're thinking
of the traditional stuff.

No, this is the exotic variety

from the rainforests of Ashton-under-Lyne.

Near Manchester?

No, no, near Sierra Leone.

There's an Ashton-under-Lyne
in Sierra Leone?

Yes, they say that ours is a copy.

I have an auntie in Ashton-under-Lyne.

Oh, really?
Does she attend the tribal dances?

- She's chapel.
- Oh, yeah.

Probably keeps her clothes on then?

Hi, Willis.

Hello, Ruby.
I can't stop, I have to get to work.

I know, I just wondered...

how you think we're...

getting on.

- Getting on?
- Yeah.

You know...

getting on.

Oh, getting on.

Yeah, I think we're...
I think we're doing fine.

I'm so sorry.

This near-magical little substance

is from an ancient recipe of the Clinkers.

- You never heard of them?
- Can't say I have, no.

No, well I hadn't until a week last Thursday

when their chief snuff salesman
came in here.

Oh, he was a very nice chap he was,
once you got past the w*r paint.

He spoke very good English, he could say,
"Eh, eh up," like a native.

You said exotic.

In what way is this stuff exotic?

Well, with regular applications of
this snuff to the mucus membranes,

the Clinkers were able
to achieve remarkable feats

of strength and endurance.

- Doing what?
- Well, anything they put their mind to.

They are renowned, you know,
for the speed in which they can

convert their loft space
into extra bedrooms.

Oh, well, since I've no interest
in further bedrooms...

Oh, and of course, you know there is more.

More bedrooms?

Well, not exactly, but there is a...

There is a link.

To the bedroom?

It's the other thing that
the Clinkers are renowned for.

Right.
How much?

With the snuff box, £ .

- And without the snuff box?
- £ .

But I will throw in the box as a...
You know, as a gift.

And how much do I take?

Well, use it sparingly.
Don't shove it up both nostrils at once,

just, you know, one at a time,

otherwise you'll find that you're
involved beyond your capacities.

I've always wanted to be involved
beyond my capacities.

Hello, Ruby.

I have to ask. They said,
"Don't push him," but I have to ask.

Do you find me attractive?

Don't lie to me,
give it to me straight, I can take it.

Yes.

Yeah?

He said, "Yeah!"

All of me, though?

Not just the bits you have to
undo my buttons to get to?

Ruby, we can't talk here, there's a queue.

- Okay, give me a stamp.
- What value?

The cheapest.
We'll probably need to start saving.

We're going to be great together.
I can't wait to get you in that gym.

- Does it hurt?
- If it doesn't hurt, you're being a p*ssy.

I'll keep this stamp, it's ours.

Miss me, that's an order.

Flowers?

Roses. Your best blooms.

What a nice gesture,

I'm sure Mrs Featherstone's
going to appreciate it.

Ye gods, man, they're not
for the black widow, they're for...

Well, never mind who they're for.

Discretion, Granville.
I'm relying on your good fellowship.

There'll be no peace on earth
if the black widow gets to hear about this.

Am I picking up signals
that your relationship

with Mrs Featherstone is cooling?

"Cooling"?
It was never less than arctic on my part.

Mr Newbold, I've got this snuff here

that will make Mrs Featherstone
look a lot better.

You haven't seen me, I haven't been in,

I've never bought the flowers.

If anyone asks who bought flowers,
tell them it was...

- Ketchup.
- Ketchup?

No, no, no, no, not ketchup.

Granary!

Winston Granary.

Four, five and right and swipe and left.

And swipe, left foot.

And over, yee-haw!

And right, and swipe and left.

Left and swipe, left foot!

That's it.

All the way around.

Okay, ladies, time for some hydrationals.

Oh, what's she doing there?
All slim and attractive.

- Who?
- Oh, the Rossi woman.

Looking slim and attractive's
not a hate crime.

- Not yet, anyway.
- Well, it ought to be. I think it's pushy.

Are you saying that, in order to fit in,
you've got to be drab and ugly?

Well, they're easier to like.

But you don't like anybody.

That is just my way of keeping
the men at arm's length.

Are you under that much pressure?

Look, if I didn't wear black,

I don't know how I would keep them off.

I think it suits you.
Black is so you.

It works in support of...

what is already on your mind.

Early Chinese history?

Particle physics?

That kind of stuff?

Well, yes, if you have a leaning

towards any particular kind of activity.

Shall we say home improvements?

Build your own greenhouse?

This will help you get the job done.

And better than that,

anyone who is nearby will get a sense of your

heightened powers the area of

in, say

home improvements.

So if one had an interest,
for example, in...

Activity A, this would...

Be your best friend.

And not just on birthdays and bank holidays?

No, this is how you hack it any time.

But that's just a side effect.

The main reason for taking this stuff

is to clear your air passages,
you know, give your lungs a break.

Basically, you could say this stuff is a...
Well, a fitness product.

Yes, so where's the harm in that?

But the side effects are always there.

Yes, unfortunately, but I suppose
you just have to live with that.

I could live with that.

If it's improving your health.

I never saw myself as a cowgirl.

Well, none of us did.

And Cyril likes the dressing up.

He wants me to keep it on
for watching movies.

What if they're not Westerns?

He seems to be able to live
with these inconsistencies.

Eric's the same, he'd have me
wearing it doing the housework.

So, Mrs Rossi, what do you do for exercise?

I like cycling but you live in fear

of getting muscular calves.

I'm trying to shame Cyril
into some exercise. Any exercise.

Have they no interest in "exercise"?

About usual for their age and condition.

At least it avoids muscular calves.

Right, come on then, ladies.

Let's get back to the rodeo.

Okay, are we all ready?

And to the right.

And dig and swipe and left.

And swipe, left foot!

That's it.

What's been clouding your horizons?

That Madge has suddenly
taken up exercise for me.

That's good, Gastric, it shows she cares.

Me cousin, Lena, went on a diet,
started eating less.

Finished up marrying
a bloke from Accrington.

Well, it's all right, you won't have
to marry a bloke from Accrington.

Just as well, they don't last.

He left our Lena for a traffic warden.

It was probably cheaper
than paying the fine.

Mr Newbold.

She likes cycling.

We're off for a ride.

I'll take a couple of high-energy drinks.

Yes, that's a very good idea...

cos you're going to need all your energy

for Mrs Featherstone.

Happily, Mrs Featherstone
can't ride a bicycle.

At last, I've found a path
she cannot follow.

Put them on my bill.

Mrs Rossi awaits.

Wish me luck, Granville.
It feels like Spring again.

Have you noticed?

You don't look as chirpy as Mr Newbold.

He's going cycling.

I didn't think he were dressed for tennis.

Secret cycling without Mrs Featherstone.

He's found a way to escape.

We've got to get Mrs Featherstone a bicycle.

Do we even know if Mrs Featherstone
can ride a bicycle?

Of course she can.
She has to, she's a capable woman.

She rode three husbands into the ground.

They weren't on wheels.

Where's the old shop bike?

No, it's got a crossbar,
it's not a ladies' bicycle.

Oh, don't bother me with technicalities.

Go on, go out there and find it.

It's another one of his cons.

Maybe not this time.

That would be a first time.

He merely said it works wonders
for the Clinker people.

But do we really need
to convert our roof space?

It wasn't just the roof space.

It makes things better all round.

Do you think it might improve the...

shall we say, social skills?

So let's test it.

Let's try it on the barmaid.

Let's take some and let's see
if she looks at us any differently.

She's looking.

We've cracked it.

She can't take her eyes off us.

How about that, then?

This stuff is prime.

I sent you off to go
and get changed to go running,

not to come back looking like a
Russian spy who's lost his trousers.

Well, I don't want to be seen
in the street wearing shorts again.

But Madge needs to see you exercising.

I'll run quick past Madge's place once,
and that's it.

What?

What happened to that lavender underwear?

It's in the drawer.

Oh, you're just going to leave it
to languish in a drawer?

Eric, it's not even tea time yet.

There's no law against
making plans in the afternoon.

It's a working weekday,

it's probably going to rain,

people are going
about their business quietly,

slightly miserable,
it's the only proper response.

Eric!
You are out of sync.

I just thought I'd ask.

Furthermore...

your nose is blue.

Apart from dressing funny,
what are you doing?

What I'm doing is dying of embarrassment.

I can see why.

Nobody in my family have ever
shown their legs outside of wedlock.

So what are you doing
loitering between two cars?

I'm waiting to catch
a glimpse of Madge at the window,

then I go racing past
and she thinks I'm training.

What for?

The streamlined figure.

It's never going to happen.

You never know what's going to happen.

For instance...

do you know your nose is going blue?

You're on.

Have you heard?

Let me guess,
you've got engaged to Mr Newbold

and you've come to show me the ring.

Ring?
I can't even show you Newbold.

I'm told he went off on a bicycle.

Well, keeping fit, I shouldn't
wonder, you know, just for you.

Well, I didn't even know he had a bicycle.

I mean, if they can conceal a bicycle, it
makes you wonder what else they can conceal.

Well, he's probably out there
looking for places

where you two can ride together.

But I haven't ridden a bicycle
since I was a child.

Well, they do say,
you know, you never forget.

Well, I've nearly forgotten three
husbands, what chance has a bicycle?

Wait, now here's an idea.

You could refresh me
on the bicycle, Granville.

Yeah, well, I couldn't leave
the shop, Mrs Featherstone.

No, of course, the shop must come first.

We'll watch the shop together.

Now just forget about Newbold
and his concealed bike.

Listen, on second thoughts,

I think I could get you cycling again

so that you could join Mr Newbold.

Oh, as you wish.

I'm here to be used by you, Granville.

Bicycle me, Granville.

You ride beautifully, Mrs Rossi.

Oh, Mr Newbold, I think I'm blushing.

And it suits you.

And I think this day is marvellous.

But of course...

it won't last.

Why think that?

Experience.

I'm just waiting for the puncture.

Not while we're resting, surely.

Don't you find that

something always lets the air out
of happiness?

We will attend to your puncture together,
Mr Newbold.

We will apply a patch
to any leak in your happiness.

Just come and sit.

Right, here we go, Mrs Featherstone.

Your steed awaits.

Right, hold it steady now, Leroy.

Now, can we get our leg over,
Mrs Featherstone?

Oh, Granville!

Right, off we go.

A near miss there.

Right.

No.

Go on.

I'll give you a hand there, go on, get on.

No, no, no, steady, Granville.

Three husbands,
and I don't remember a move like that.

All right, all right.

Leroy, take the bike away.

Right, now you stand here, give me this leg.

And I'll put it there like that, see?

Then I'll get hold of this leg.

Now...

I am joined in the middle, you know?

Yes, now we will bring the bike to you.

Right, Leroy.
Come on.

Here we go.
Prepare to mount, Mrs Featherstone.

There.
Up we go, up.

There we go! There!
Here we go!

You've already packed in more
than three honeymoons.

Down, down, right.
Okay.

Plan B, I have a solution to this.

Hold on, wait there.

Tell me honestly, Leroy,
is this leg longer than this one?

I'm sure it's not, Mrs Featherstone.

Here we go, this will do it.

Right.

Now, pop up there, Mrs Featherstone.

Right, up.

Oh, Granville!

Job done, Mrs Featherstone.

Well, you won't get that on the internet.

Are we ready for lift off?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no,
don't-don't let go!

All right, hang on, we won't let go
until you've got your balance.

- Oh, hey.
- Right.

Oh, heck, go and see
who that is, will you, Leroy?

I thought I was never meant
to leave you alone with...

No, it's all right, the bike's taking
the weight now. Go on, off you go.

Right,

are you ready Mrs Featherstone?

Ready when you are.

And call me Delphine.

Oh, all right, Delphine.
Ready? Off we go!

Come on, wahey!

May I suggest the kiss of life?

No, no, no, no,

I'll be all right once you get
your knee out of my small change.

How is it my fault their noses go blue, hm?

They've overdone it,
that's what they've done.

They've not followed
the Ashton-under-Lyne protocol.

They've exceeded the recommended dosage.

They should've kept their mind
on converting their roof space.

If you're the sheriff
you'd better take me in.

Do you like it?

Yes, yes, but we'd better get inside.

This is Apache country.

Are we going to circle the wagons?

Well, we may have to stay inside until

the cavalry get here.

Will they be long?

Well, all we can do is hope so.