He's next door!
Oh, okay.
Act natural.
Oh, hey, ladies.
Hey, Bob!
(CHUCKLING)
Oh, my God.
Is it Tuesday already?
Oh, sh**t!
It looks like we're out of water.
Would you be a dear and
replace that for me?
Sure thing.
Thanks.
I'll see you next week.
Uh-huh.
Mmm-hmm.
(BOTH EXHALE)
(BOTH MOAN HAPPILY)
(CLEARS THROAT) Good morning.
(EXCLAIMS)
Oh, baby!
GIRLS: Giddyup, giddyup,
giddyup, come on!
Giddyup, giddyup!
I'm going, I'm going.
Mommy, Aunt Dana,
are you watching?
Yeah.
You bet.
(GLASS SHATTERS)
JIM: We're okay.
We're fine.
Oh, it was just that
ugly bowl Dana gave us.
Oh, right now it's
a beautiful day.
Why don't you guys
play outside?
You know, why can't we tell
you to go play outside?
Because you know
she'll never come back.
Jim? You really
should come out here.
Oh, you can almost
taste the sunshine!
(BIRD SQUAWKS)
Yeah, I'm gonna go to the
hardware store this afternoon.
You know what,
we need lightbulbs.
I thought we bought a lot of...
(GIRLS SCREAMING)
What? What?
What happened?
What is this?
The bird came down.
Right.
And... And it...
JIM: And?
And... Uncle Andy k*lled
him with his big fat head!
My head's not big.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, please!
When you were a kid,
we had to stitch two
baseball hats together.
(LAUGHING
SARCASTICALLY)
You think maybe someone could
give me ice, a bandage,
a family who loves me?
Oh, honey.
I'll get you some ice.
Come on.
(MOANS)
Wake up, wake up.
Daddy, do something!
Oh, honey.
All right.
Well, it's too big to flush.
Cheryl, get a shovel.
What? Jim!
What? Come on,
the bird is dead.
What do you want,
me to harvest the organs?
Be a little more sensitive.
I'm being sensitive.
(SQUAWKS)
JIM: It's moving.
(ALL GASPING)
It's alive!
I saved her.
I'm going to name her Daphne.
I want to get her a cage.
I'm going to feed her.
I'm going to play
dress-up with her.
Uh, honey, honey, honey. And...
This somebody else's pet.
We cannot keep the bird.
And I'll go to the park and
I'll bring her to school,
and I'll wear my green pants...
Sweetheart.
Sweetie, sweetie.
Whoever lost her
must be very sad.
Don't you think we should
help them get her back?
No.
Gracie, I'm telling
you right now,
if that bird stays, I go.
Bye.
What am I supposed to do, Jim?
She called my bluff.
Well, I guess it's goodbye.
Okay, come on.
We are not keeping that bird.
We're gonna make flyers and
you're gonna put them up.
Yeah, why don't we put the first
flyer on Andy's big fat head!
My head's not that big!
Oh, yeah? Charlie Brown would
make fun of that head.
(SQUAWKING)
Stupid bird!
Took me years to train Jim.
I'm not doing it for you.
Hey, Cheryl...
(SQUAWKING)
Where's the fashion section?
Right there.
And there. And there.
Oh!
(EXHALES) I hate that bird!
I don't like the way it
looks at my hair, you know?
Like it wants to move in. Ugh!
Tell me about it.
It chewed a hole in the couch
and ripped open a pillow.
Thank God we don't
have nice things.
Yeah.
Good news!
(SQUAWKING)
Some woman just called.
She saw the flyer.
She's sending her husband right over.
Right now.
Oh.
Oh, thank God.
Whoa, whoa!
Gracie, come down here!
So how do you think we
should play this with her?
Well...
How about,
if you love something,
set it free,
and then, you know, if it comes
back, it's yours forever?
That's interesting.
It's a load of crap.
You know what?
It just might work with Gracie.
Yeah, yeah.
Good thing she's not the smart one.
CHERYL: Yeah.
Here, Daphne!
(TWEETING)
(SIGHS)
Uh...
Oh.
Honey...
Sweetie...
Um, we found Daphne's
mommy and daddy
and they're coming to get her.
No! She loves me.
She wants to stay here with us.
Um...
(SIGHS) Gracie,
if you love something,
set it free.
That's crap!
I want my bird.
Listen, sweetie,
we all love Daphne,
and we wish she could stay.
Really.
And also we don't use that word.
Crap?
Well, only Daddy uses it.
Look, honey, we'd really
like you to keep Daphne,
but, you know, the real
owners might want it back.
(SQUAWKS)
(EXCLAIMS IN FEAR)
(GASPS) How sweet. How sweet!
What a sweet angel!
(SQUAWKS)
A squawking, terrifying angel.
(STAMMERING) So, sweetheart,
are you gonna be a good girl
and let the nice
man take his bird?
No.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Uh, don't you wanna
do the right thing?
GRACIE: No.
Do you wanna have
candy ever again?
Yes.
Okay then.
Oh.
Hi, I'm Sean Curran.
My wife sent me over to
take a look at the bird.
Hey! Right. Yes, yes.
We are so happy that you came.
There's your bird right there.
Right there.
Ah.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
That's not my bird. Okay. What?
(STAMMERING) Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait, wait.
No, no, no, no,
that's your bird.
I know that's
gotta be your bird!
Yeah. I mean, it's the same
bird Jim drew on this flyer.
Look.
Yes.
Now I know why no one
called about the dog.
Well, that's not my bird.
Our bird is different.
DANA: What?
How is it different?
It's not this one.
Oh. Wait, wait, wait.
Come on. Come on,
you gotta take this bird.
I'll make it worth your while.
You like pickles?
Pickles?
That was my first offer.
I was waiting for a counter.
This means I can keep
her, right, Daddy?
You said I can keep her.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I...
I said only if we didn't
find the real owners.
Yeah.
But there's someone
else coming.
BOTH: There is?
There is?
Yes, this afternoon.
And if it's not their bird,
you can keep Daphne forever.
Yay!
(WHISPERING) Who is it?
I don't know.
I'll tell you when I think of it.
What? Oh...
(DAPHNE SQUAWKS)
RUBY: Gracie,
get it off me!
It's chewing on my hair!
Think we should go up
there and help her?
I'm not going up there.
Yeah, her hair grows fast.
Yeah.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Oh. That must be Daphne's
long-lost "owner."
Oh, honey. I don't think I
can go through with this.
I mean, we're lying
to our own daughter.
We already lied to her.
Everybody knows you can't
fix a lie with the truth.
Yeah, but, I mean, those
were little white lies,
and this is like a great
big green hairy one.
(SIGHS) Fine.
I'll go tell him to forget it.
(DAPHNE SQUAWKS)
(EXCLAIMS)
RUBY: It's rubbing on
my Buzz Lightyear!
Yeah. Okay.
All right.
Hello, there.
I'm here for...
Uh, save it, Kenny.
All right. Gracie?
Daphne's daddy's here!
Honey, honey?
Yeah?
You got Kenny from work?
Yeah. So what?
Isn't he a little dim?
No, he's a genius I pay eight
bucks an hour to clean up.
Hi, honey.
Hi!
Hello, there.
I'm here for...
Yeah, yeah. The bird,
the bird, the bird.
This one here.
Right here. See?
Oh. That's her.
Oh, yes!
Look.
Great.
Well, perhaps a kiss from the
missus and I'll be on my way.
I named her Daphne.
What do you call her?
Oh. Um...
I call her Cheryl.
That's my mom's name.
Oh. I call her Gracie.
That's my name.
You don't know your
own bird's name?
Hey, I got a lot on my plate.
Oh. Well, stranger,
don't you think it's
time you should move on?
With your bird?
(SQUAWKS)
(EXCLAIMS)
Wow. Jim, you didn't
tell me it had a beak.
I thought that was implied
when I said it was a bird!
You know my daddy's name?
JIM: Oh...
Oh. No.
Um, it's written on his shirt.
Yeah.
That's says, "Chicago Bears."
She can read?
Yes.
Oh, man! That's it.
Game over, Jim.
Easy, easy, easy!
I knew it wasn't your bird.
You're a big liar!
(DAPHNE CHIRPS)
All liars!
I hate you!
(SIGHS)
So, how'd I do?
Not so good, Kenny.
Can I still have my pickles?
Pickles are for closers!
Gracie? Sweetie,
let Mommy in.
GRACIE: No!
All right. Ruby,
open the door.
I'm in here.
I don't like that bird.
Did she lock it?
Yeah. Oh, Jim, we
shouldn't have done that.
Now she's never
gonna trust us again.
Yeah, well,
hindsight's always / .
Look, I think you should
take the fall for this one.
What?
Come on.
I've been the bad guy
the last four times.
You were the bad guy
the last four times.
Really?
Yes.
Well, would a bad guy
know how to pick a lock?
Yeah.
Aw.
Look at her.
With that little bird.
She looks like a tiny
little Bond villain.
Yeah.
Oh, sweetie.
Oh, honey, we are so sorry.
It's just that that bird
was driving us all crazy.
But you lied.
Yes, honey.
Sometimes parents do that
because the truth is just
harder and it takes more time.
Yeah. And sometimes mommies
and daddies make mistakes.
And lying to you was a big one.
Big.
Really?
Yes.
So is Grandpa really sleeping?
(SIGHS) No.
No.
Is thunder really
angels bowling?
(CHUCKLES)
No.
Is Mommy really ?
Yes.
That Dagwood!
(LAUGHS) Oh, the
guy's got a hot wife
and all he can think about
is giant sandwiches.
Yeah. That would never
happen in real life.
She's gone. Daphne's gone! What?
I went upstairs to get Daphne
and the window was
open and she's gone!
You did it!
You opened the window.
You hate her!
I did not do that,
honey. I swear!
Gracie!
Cheryl!
What?
Leaving the window open?
You didn't think
she'd get that?
Me? Andy hates that
bird more than I do.
Andy?
Please.
If I wanted that bird gone,
it'd be deep-fried by now.
Besides, I seem to remember Dana
leaving windows open before.
Dana?
Oh, come on, you guys.
It's obvious.
This has the stink
of Jim all over it!
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute!
Accusing the accuser?
I invented that dodge!
You know it was you,
Dana. You know...
All right, all right.
Stop it! Stop it!
We're turning on each other.
Cheryl's right. Don't you see it, guys?
Don't you see it?
(WHISPERING) This is
exactly what Gracie wants.
She's trying to split us up
so she can take us
out one at a time.
Oh.
I wanna go look for Daphne.
All right, honey.
Well, just be back by dinner.
Oh, Jim!
Sweetie, maybe Daphne
went to the park.
Why don't you and Daddy
go look together?
Come on, Daddy. Hurry!
(GROANING)
All right, all right.
Sweetie, I'm right behind you.
Andy. Andy, come on.
You're coming with me.
Why do I have to go?
This is a complete
waste of time.
You know we'll
never find that bird.
Andy, I went
bar-hopping with you
knowing full well you
wouldn't find a woman.
GRACIE: Daphne! Daphne!
Daphne.
Damn! I do
love the park.
Beautiful day, fluffy
cloud of cotton candy,
all the college kids
playing frisbee.
Dude, hit me high.
(SCREAMS)
(LAUGHING)
(GRUNTS) Right in my bird lump.
Daphne! Daphne!
Daphne.
Where is she, Daddy?
Oh, Gracie, I don't know.
Come here, baby.
Come over here.
You know what?
We've been looking
for a whole hour.
I don't think Daphne's here.
I mean, for all we know, she
could be in Mexico right now.
Mexico?
JIM: Oh, yeah.
Birds love Mexico.
(CHIRPS)
It's sunny and warm and they've
got peanut butter waterfalls.
Birdseed beaches.
Okay, that's not
quite the truth.
But, if she's there,
and I think she is,
I'm sure she's
having a good time.
Psst.
What do you say we go home?
ANDY: Psst!
GRACIE: Yeah.
JIM: All right.
Psst. Jim.
What?
B-I-R-D-A-T-C-I-X-O,
apostrophe, C-L-O-C-K.
Want to have sex with a clock?
(MOUTHING)
(GASPS)
Gracie, why don't you count the
grass between here and the rock?
And I'll give you a nickel.
(WHISPERING) Oh, damn.
Moments away from
a clean getaway.
I hate that bird!
Hey.
I got an idea.
Okay, all I need
is three dryer sheets,
a gallon of chocolate milk
and a beekeeper's hat.
What do you say
we just walk this way
and maybe Gracie
will follow us?
Well, if you wanna think
inside the box, sure.
Wait.
What?
I can't lie to Gracie again.
What?
I can't go.
Jim! You're gonna be stuck
with that bird forever.
They live longer
than people, you know.
I know.
But look at her. I can't hurt her again.
This is my daughter.
Yeah.
Man! I hope one day I'm
as good a dad as you are.
Ow!
(GRUNTING)
Damn you, kids!
I'm gonna rip out your arms
and b*at you with them.
Oh, yeah.
You'd better run.
Hey, Gracie, look!
Daphne, right there.
Daphne! Daphne!
Oh, don't scare her.
You're...
She's in this tree!
Go get her, quick!
I was afraid that
was gonna be next.
Hurry, Daddy.
She'll get away!
I'm hurrying.
I'm hurrying.
It's just been a long time
since I've climbed a tree,
sober.
(GRUNTING)
Hey, birdie.
Okay, baby.
Okay, take it easy now.
That's it, Daphne.
Okay.
(DAPHNE SQUAWKS)
Come here.
Nice and easy.
Come on. Come here,
you stupid little bird.
Come on. Come on.
Come over here for a minute!
(DAPHNE SQUAWKS)
(JIM YELLS)
(GRUNTING)
Come here, Daphne.
I love you.
Let's go home.
(TWEETS)
Oh, Daphne, I would
never be mad at you.
(GROANING)
Whose croquet ball?
(GROANING)
Gracie?
(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN)
(GROANS)
I guess I'm gonna miss the Chicago
Marathon again this year.
Oh, I'm not doing it alone.
So I guess I'm out, too.
You guys have the
worst luck with that.
I know.
All right, Jim,
here's your ice pack.
Oh, could you put it
under my tailbone?
Yeah. Life's too short.
(DAPHNE SQUAWKS)
(ALL EXCLAIM)
I can't believe it.
Why couldn't a kitty have
flown into your head?
I like kitties.
Ow!
Look at yourself.
You're losing it.
We're playing right
into Gracie's hands.
Oh.
Oh, get off it.
Look, Gracie's happy.
And if she gets bored
of the bird in a week,
Dana can open the window again.
ANDY: Hmm.
I told you.
It wasn't me.
Oh, please.
Mmm-hmm.
Well, somebody opened the window.
It didn't just...
...open itself.
I hate that bird!
Oh, I'd yell at her but my
heart wouldn't be in it.
Hello?
Uh, yeah?
I'm Ginger Curran,
and I believe
you met my husband Sean.
Oh, yes. Hi!
Hi.
You still have that bird?
Yeah. Yeah, we do.
Gracie, would you bring
Daphne down, please?
Oh, I thought it
wasn't your bird?
I know, I know. But my wife's
thinking about spending $
on another bird.
So, I just...
Where's the bird?
JIM: Gracie...
Oh! Georgie!
(EXCLAIMING)
That's my Georgie!
But it's not Georgie.
It's Daphne.
Oh, sweetie, come here.
Come here.
Oh, honey!
I know you took really
good care of that bird.
Oh, my little Georgie!
I'll never let you out
of my sight again.
Do I have to give her back?
ALL: Yes.
Yeah.
Mommy, can I say
goodbye to Daphne?
Oh! Sure, sweetie.
There you go.
Oh, Daphne, I love you.
I don't want you to go.
So, we're going to Mexico.
Don't worry.
She doesn't have a passport.
Jim, bird's in the tree.
Would you come out here? Ugh!
I hate that bird.
Yeah.
Hey.
Hey.
What's up?
Bird's gone again.
No!
You seen it?
No.
Come to think of it, I haven't
seen Gracie in a few days either.
Aren't grown-ups stupid?
(LAUGHING)
(SIGHING CONTENTEDLY)