Hi, girls.
Hi, dad.
Hey.
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Dad, stop trying to get
on "America's funniest
home videos."
I need that $ , --
grand each
for your college fund.
Sorry, Kyle.
Ha ha.
You have to go to college.
Oh,
your uncle Andy's comin'.
Demon boy,
back in the closet.
What's with the camera?
We're doing a school project
on morbid obesity.
Uh, so just act natural.
Ah. Hi-larious.
You know, girls,
we share some d.N.A.
Odds are, one of you two
gets these thighs.
Oh, crap!
Aah!
Aah!
That is perfect!
Girls?
Can you hand me my candy?
♪♪♪
Come on, girls.
It's $ , .
They don't just
give it away.
But I like the effort.
You know what?
When your mommy comes back
from visiting aunt Dana,
we'll try the fake dog poop
in the bed.
But we don't have a dog.
You have a brother.
Scat!
Jim. Jim.
Oh, I gotta talk to you.
This is big news--
major life decision here.
So I should mute
"wheel of fortune"?
Yes, please.
What?
I'm gonna propose to Emily.
I'm gonna ask her to marry me.
Bad move.
So what do you think?
Worst idea of your life.
So you're on the fence?
Disaster. Train wreck.
Car crash.
Don't do it.
Oh, "g*ns of navarone."
Got it.
Don't waste my time, sajak!
I-i-i don't get it, Jim.
I love Emily. She loves me.
I've been carrying around
a ring for weeks
looking for the right moment.
Andy, trust me.
I am a great reader of people.
Emily is not ready.
Well, I am.
No, Andy, you are
a desperate, lonely man
who doesn't
want to die alone.
Desperate, lonely people
can get married, too.
Yeah, but if you ask her
too soon, you're gonna blow it.
Remember the time you proposed
to that woman on the plane?
We had a connection.
She gave me peanuts.
Andy, she was
the flight attendant!
You think you have
a connection with everybody.
You think you even connect
with women at red lights.
Oh, remember that one?
She really gave me the eye.
She was a cop,
and you were drinkin'.
When she patted me down,
she lingered.
Jim, Jim, no--
Andy, Andy, I'm--
I'm tellin' ya,
Emily is the one.
I really want her
to be my wife.
Well, then don't propose
to her too early.
Otherwise,
you're gonna blow it.
You're gonna lose her.
You know what?
You only get one sh*t
at this, Andy.
Okay. Okay.
Thanks, buddy.
Good, good, good.
Don't rush things.
Oh, yeah.
And wh-when
did you buy the ring?
Oh, it's an antique that
belonged to my grandmother.
Mom overnighted it
when she heard I had
a second date with Emily.
Hey, guys.
Hi.
Hmm. Oh.
Andy,
you ready to go shopping?
Oh.
My andyman needs
new undie pants.
Oh, going underwear shopping,
huh?
Yeah, well,
elastic has a shelf life.
I mean, I've fallen out
of the hammock once or twice.
Mm.
Ooh!
Honey,
bat in the cave.
Oh, dear. Oh.
No, I got it. I got it.
Okay. Blow.
Other side.
Big finish.
Up, tug, wipe.
Oh.
That is the sweetest,
most disgusting thing
I've ever seen in my life.
Andy you got a minute? I'd like
to talk to you in the kitchen.
Yeah. Oh, one second.
Up!
Just a minute.
Well, Andy...
You have to propose
to that woman.
What?
Yeah. She's ready.
She's practically begging.
You just told me
it was too soon.
I didn't know all the facts.
I didn't know about
the nose blowing
and the underwear buying.
Andy, if you want me
to help you,
I gotta know this information.
I didn't think it was relevant.
It's nothing.
It's like when
she trims my eyebrows.
She's trimming your eyebrows?
How long has this
been going on?
Six weeks.
Andy, six weeks.
Andy, Andy, do I offend you?
Have I offended you?
You cut me
out of your life like this?
What?
She's been trimming
your eyebrows for six weeks.
She's... god. My god,
i-i-i think it's too late.
Too late?
Too--too--too late for what?
To propose to her. Well, you've
been ignoring her signals
for so long,
she's probably tired of it.
You know what?
I bet she's on to the next man.
Oh, god!
Oh, god! Oh, god, oh!
I'm gonna lose her!
I'm gonna lose her!
Not if you propose to her
this very minute.
Really?
Yes. Trust me.
I'm a great reader of people.
But that's not true, Jim.
You're not
a great reader of people.
- You're just louder than everyone else.
- Andy!
Okay, just listen to me.
Okay?
I don't want to scare you...
But this is your very last sh*t
at happiness ever.
Oh, my god.
Now get in there
and propose to that woman
and make her your wife.
Okay. Now I really do
need new underpants.
Come on.
Honey, I just need
to hit the bathroom...
There's no time for this.
And then we can go.
There's no time for this.
Oh, but I really do need--
this can't wait.
This can't wait.
I have something
very important to ask you.
Jim has something
very important to ask you.
Oh!
Emily, I-I love you.
Put this ring on your finger
and--and say you'll be my wife.
Oh, my god.
You're--
you're the only woman for me.
Yeah, i-i-i-i-i want you
to blow my nose
and trim my eyebrows forever.
Yes.
Yes, you'll marry me,
or yes, you'll blow my nose?
Yes, I'll marry you,
and I'll blow your nose,
and I'll trim your eyebrows,
and I'll pluck your back hair,
but right now
I am about to pee my pants.
Oh!
I've wanted to hear
those words for so long.
Oh, my god!
I'm gettin' married!
Thank you, Jim.
Thank you for guiding me.
Actually, you're making
a big mistake.
A mistake?
Yeah.
You just told me
she was ready.
And--and she said yes!
Andy, trust me.
I'm a great reader of people.
Emily was not excited
about getting married.
When a woman is excited,
she goes like this...
"Yes! Yes!
Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
"I'm getting married!
Great, great, great!
"This is the greatest thing
to ever happen to me!
I'm gonna call my mommy!"
Yeah, that's not her style.
Yeah.
She's a -year-old woman
with kids.
She should be doing
naked cartwheels.
I'm telling you, man--
whoo! Whoo-hoo! Yes!
There's my guy!
There's my girl!
Unh-unh. Wash your hands?
Yes.
Mm. With soap and hot water?
Yes.
Then come here! Mwah!
Oh, let's go out tonight
and celebrate, huh?
This is the first night
of the rest of our lives.
Ooh, ooh,
tonight's a bad night for me.
Oh, really? Why?
Well, I have
a business meeting.
With whom?
Oh, a-a friend of mine.
Let's make tomorrow the first
night of the rest of our lives.
Okay, yeah.
We'll start tomorrow.
That's what I do
with my diets.
Yeah, those always work.
Mm.
Mwah.
Okay, laters.
Laters. Ooh,
almost forgot my ring.
Uh, Emily?
Yeah? Oh, don't forget to wash
my fingers before I put it on?
You're gonna make
such a good wife.
Yeah.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Too bad.
I really liked her, too.
What is wrong with you?
There's nothing wrong
with me. It's her.
All the signals are wrong.
And what about
this dinner thing?
No, no.
I think she wants out.
Can I be happy
for five seconds, please?
Fine.
She's probably
seeing somebody else.
Damn it!
Hey, listen,
you want to know the truth?
Let's just follow her to dinner
and find out the truth.
No! Absolutely not.
I love her. I trust her.
I asked her to marry me.
She said yes.
I don't need
to know anything more.
Andy, if you trust her...
I trust her.
Do you know her password
to her e-mail?
- Ohh!
- Come on! Come on.
♪♪♪
I knew it!
Oh, excuse me.
Um, can you get the people
to turn the music down?
I'm having trouble
eavesdropping on my friends.
Turn up your hearing aid,
gramps.
♪♪♪
I'm so glad we could
get together tonight.
I want you to know
how much I care about you.
I know you do,
and I care about you.
God, you look great.
Thanks. Jerry?
Yeah?
I really,
really want to do this.
Let's not wait
another second.
Really? Right here
in the restaurant?
Don't you want
a little privacy?
I suppose we could
go back to my place.
Aah!
Aah!
What the hell is
going on here, Emily?
Who is this guy?
Who is this guy?
I can't believe you're cheating
on Andy with this guy.
I'm not cheating on Andy
with Jerry.
I'm technically cheating
on Jerry with Andy.
Who's Andy?
Who are you?!
This is my husband.
He owns the place.
You mean ex-husband.
Um... n-no.
This is very complicated.
I suppose
we should just order.
Jerry and I separated
two years ago,
but I'm not actually,
technically, legally divorced.
And then I met Andy,
and I really liked him
and kinda, sorta, mostly lied
about being actually,
technically, legally divorced.
So doesn't that make you
kinda, legally,
technically skanky?
I know it looks bad,
but I'm here tonight
to finally make Jerry
sign the divorce papers.
Well,
then what's stopping you?
I don't like
to hurt people's feelings,
and he's gonna cry.
Gonna cry? So what?
Oh, it's not just crying.
It's sobbing, convulsing,
can't-catch-your-breath,
i-might-throw-up weeping.
Look, he just needs
a man to talk to.
He'll be fine. Trust me.
I'm a great reader of people.
Listen, why--why don't you just
sign it and date it right here?
Listen, I can tell
that you're upset, man.
You ordered some fries?
Yeah--
take those away!
Listen, listen, you are a man.
You gotta start acting like one.
I know, but I just can't.
It's too hard.
I'm a middle child.
Sure you are, sure you are,
but your job right now
is to suck it up
and do the right thing.
And then you know what?
We can celebrate.
We could have some fries,
maybe a shrimp basket.
You're right.
I should be more of a man.
That's it!
I'm gonna
fight for my woman!
And--and sign the paper?
No!
I'm never gonna let her go!
You owe me $ ,
for the screen!
Oh! Look at you two,
the happy couple.
I need to talk to you.
I need to speak you.
And I need
to speak to you.
Oh,
and I need to speak to you.
I would like
to speak to you first.
I'd like to speak
to Emily first.
And then I'd like to speak to
you, then Emily, then you again.
I can go first or third,
but I can't go second.
Everything okay?
Yeah, great.
Fine. Fine. You okay?
Oh, I'm terrific.
Hey, why don't you
wait in the kitchen?
Why the kitchen?
You want a beer.
Oh, you're right.
I do want a beer.
Everything's better
when you're engaged.
Emily, we got a problem.
I talked to Jerry for hours,
and I couldn't get him
to sign it.
Oh, poo.
Poo? Poo?
You are engaged and married.
I think it warrants
more than that--
maybe a "crap"
or a "holy crap."
Emily, you have got
to tell Andy about this.
Oh,
but that would crush him,
and I don't want
to hurt his feelings.
Look, either you tell him,
or I'm gonna tell him.
And Jerry said you owe him
$ , for that screen.
I don't care
if it's not my turn to speak.
I can't wait any longer.
Emily, I have tickets
on the next flight to Vegas.
Let's get married.
Oh, yeah, Emily,
what do you say,
uh, making Andy
your one and only husband?
I say...
I can't...
Wait to get married!
Let's go!
You know what?
You two deserve each other.
Oh, he's right.
He's a great reader of people.
Aha!
I finally tracked you down.
Is this him?
Whoa.
You're a little bigger
than I thought you'd be.
Stay away from my wife!
Who the hell is your wife?
Uh, I am. Uh, this is Jerry,
my not-quite-ex-husband.
Hmm.
Oh, my god.
You're not divorced?
I'm shocked, Emily.
What do you mean,
you're not divorced?
Well, not actually
technically, legally,
but emotionally,
there's nothing between us.
Nothing
but my heart and soul!
I love you so much, Emily!
I'm sorry.
I'll stay married to you,
just please don't cry.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're not getting divorced?
But I love you!
Oh, no.
Don't, don't, don't.
I'm sorry. It's okay.
I'll just...
Oh, please don't cry.
I'll be married to both of you.
It'll be weird,
but nobody will cry.
I just can't stand the crying!
All right, all right, all right.
Knock it off.
Knock it off!
I said knock it off!
You heard me.
Now listen, the reason
you guys are in this mess
is because Emily here is afraid
to hurt people's feelings.
And thank the lord
that he put me on this earth.
It's true.
It's his gift.
Andy and Emily are engaged.
She does not love you,
and you are not leaving
this house
till you sign
those divorce papers...
And Andy and Emily have agreed
to split the $ , .
Is this true, Emily?
You're engaged?
Yes. I love him,
and I want to marry him.
But what happens to me?
Well, I don't give a poo
what happens to you.
Look, uh, Emily.
We're all adults here.
Enough with the poo.
I don't give a holy crap
what happens to you.
Jerry, just...
Please sign these papers
so I can get on with my life.
Okay.
I guess
I have to accept that.
That's it? No crying?
No.
I'm a man...
And it's about time
I started acting like one.
I'm very happy for you two.
No!
Gee,
and you let that one go?
Thanks, Jim.
So it's settled.
We're getting married.
Whoa.
Hold on.
A lot has just dropped
in my lap here.
Can I have five seconds
to process the fact
that you're still married
and you lied to me?
Fine.
Okay, Vegas, here we come!
What do you say,
Bette midler, then marriage?
What are you two, crazy?
Oh, Jim's right.
Marriage, then midler.
You build to midler.
Yes. Let's go.
Let's go!
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
Bad move.
Would you stop saying that?
I'm gonna k*ll you!
Listen, I can tell. She wants
to have a real wedding.
She doesn't want
to go to Vegas.
Really?
Jim's right. Jerry and I
got married in Vegas...
See?
And Carl, my first husband.
Carl?
Carl?
I didn't see that coming...
And I'm a good reader
of people.
I never heard
about Carl!