01x01 - You Can't Miss the Bear

[bunniefuu]

So, I really think it's important that we remove all soft drinks from the vending machines and replace them with bottled water and naturally sweetened fruit juice.

Are you talking about diet soda, too?

Because I don't think we should take away the diet soda.

So many of our girls are watching their weight.

Our oldest girls are 11.

They shouldn't be dieting.

I think she got a little "botie" between the eyes.

That's just naive.

Well, she probably treated herself, poor thing.

If my husband dropped dead, I'd suck out, lift up, and inject anything that moved.

I know that you've got boys, so you may not understand.

Understand what?

That our children shouldn't be guzzling sugar and chemicals?

No, we are in total agreement about the sugar.

All the "sugary" drinks should go.

So, everyone in favor of eliminating the "sugary drinks"

From the vending machines... Ladies.

Ladies.

Wonderful.

That's done.

Thank you, nancy botwin, head of our healthy children's committee.

Now let's take a break.

She's got the big bag.

Guess he left her pretty well fixed, huh?

I heard there was nothing.

They spent all that money on the new kitchen.

Have you seen it? It turned out gorgeous.

So, give yourselves a round of applause, everyone.

I wonder how she's getting by.

Nancy, we were all just saying how much we love your purse.

It's a knock-off, but you can't even tell.

Rachel's been wanting one of these.

How much you pay?

75 Bucks.

Rachel take one look at that crooked stitching, and she know you a cheap trick.

The stitching on this bag is perfect.

Oh, yep. Right there.

God damn it.

Looking in the dictionary the other day, I saw your picture, right next to dumb-ass white bitch.

Oh... Corn bread.

Oh, that smells good.

I miss carbs.

My friend talisa tried that no carbs.

She ate bacon and eggs for a whole month.

And I'm talking, like, five dozen eggs and a whole pig a day.

She lost 11 pounds. The sh*t works.

My sister does this thing where they leave a cooler bag full of no-carb food outside her house every day.

She's lost 17 pounds.

We should start that in this neighborhood.

Call it the "I'm gettin' skinny

'Cause some n*gg*r stole my bag of food" diet.

Talisa is still fat.

Unh-unh, she looks good.

Then why did ronnie dump her ass?

'Cause he found out she was taking his money for little ron and spending it on sh*t for sherie.

And he all, "why don't my son got adidas?"

It's stupid to buy expensive shoes for a 3-year-old.

He'll outgrow them in a day.

Man: you calling black people stupid?

And lazy, and they also steal.

Oh, but we sings and dances real good.

White people steal... Enron, worldcom.

They be stealing billions of dollars, flush it through some overseas bank account, then sit on a beach and count they money.

Oh, somebody been listenin'

To the good reverend sharpton.

Maybe black people need to start stealing a little big bigger.

Maybe f*ckin' so.

Hey, that bag looks a little small.

Oh, you did not just say that.

Bitch, I can eyeball an ounce from outer space with my glasses cracked.

Gimme.

Mmm.

Oh, acting like you know.

Writing checks your ass can't cash.

You never question helia's eyeballing.

That's the rain man of weed right there.

I apologize. I stand corrected.

Stand? You on your knees corrected.

Getting all beside herself, gonna come up in my house and tell me about my business?

Girl, you need to recognize...

All right, all right. Fine.

I'm a bitch-ass bitch.

Gimme a little respect.

I'm the biggest game in the private community of agrestic.

dr*gs sell themselves, biscuit.

You ain't sh*t.

You still ain't sh*t.

How much you got there?

Unh-unh. Take that crap off my money.

You not giving me a present. You're paying me for weed.

Excuse me for trying to bring a little beauty into an ugly world.

Oh, sh*t.

It's 2:30.

Well, where you rushing off to with your ass all on fire?

Dr. Phil ain't on till 4:00.

Shane's got his grief counselor.

Oh, right.

I'm sorry.

I'll walk you out.

Damn.

Can you imagine, though?

A boy out jogging with his daddy, having a good time.

Then boom! Daddy drops.

That would f*ck a kid up.

You show me who ain't f*cked up.

Who wants some corn bread?

You all right?

I'm fine. I'm just late.

You sure?

Conrad, we do business, not personal.

You know I'm full service.

Andy didn't tell you that when he hooked us up?

Oh...

I believe my brother-in-law's exact words were, "dude, meet the finest jit with the finest sh*t."

Jit?

I was just quoting.

I gotta go.

All right. Drive safe.

You know where I live at, right?

I do. Bye.

Shh. I think I hear something.

The brush is awful thick over there.

Can you see anything?

He's quartering toward the spring coloring.

It's obstructed.

I can't get a good sh*t at the heart...

What happened in the guest room?

Ask shane.

I'm asking both of you.

I fell through the skylight.

But don't worry. I'm okay.

Turn the show back on.

There's a huge hole in the ceiling.

Limpita told him to get down.

I tell him, missus.

I didn't hear her.

Come on. The deaf girl on dewey street could hear her.

She's not deaf. She just talks weird.

There's something wrong with her tongue.

What? Who told you that?

She's totally deaf.

And dennis kling says there's nothing wrong with her tongue.

Hey. Unh-unh.

What do you mean? What?

Did they french kiss?

Hey, mrs. Botwin.

Hey, quinn. Do you want some chili?

Nah, I'm good.

That's right, shane. They french kissed.

Quinn: who french kissed?

Dennis kling and megan beales.

Oh, they did a whole lot more...

Quinn.

Hey, how's your shoulder?

I'm totally okay.

Can I have the remote back now? Please?

You were here when he fell?

Officially, I was at kim's house, working on a science project.

"Officially."

Yeah, they were making out.

But nothing naked.

Shut up.

Oh, I've gotta go out for a second.

Where are you going?

It's a neighborhood watch thing.

I'll be right back.

Want to fool around?

You know, one time I sh*t this black bear clean between the shoulder blades with my browning blr 308.

Next time we go bow hunting.

g*ns are for pussies.

Uh-oh.

I told you! You can't miss the bear!

I love this show.

Boo! Oh, god.

Christ.

Josh!

You need to relax.

My husband d*ed of a heart att*ck.

You want to orphan my kids?

So, what's up?

My guy went on this yoga retreat in redlands.

I was just wondering if you could help me out.

He didn't take care of you before he left?

Well, they've been playing "winged migration"

At the plex for the midnight show all week.

sh*t hasn't gone this fast since "the passion of the christ."

People got stoned for "the passion of the christ"?

That's disturbing.

It's not as disturbing as watching it not stoned.

Religion, my ass. It's a straight-up snuff film.

Why don't you take the week off?

That just goes so against my christian work ethic, ms. B.

Come on, help me out. I'd do it for you.

I don't need you to.

My guy doesn't do yoga.

Cash.

Josh.

Come on.

I was at the orthodontist's the other week, and I heard all about shane's overbite.

It's got to be costing you some serious green.

Are you gonna play by the rules?

Okay, listen, you stay away from my customer base.

You don't deal to kids.

Are we clear?

If they're too young to bleed, they're too young for weed.

No grass in the field, no grass will they yield.

You're a poet.

You know it.

It's getting late. You want a ride home?

No, I'll be good. It's the suburbs.

Safe to walk the streets at night and all that.

Whoa.

You should take her easy on the lattes, ms. B.

Don't kid yourself. Caffeine is a serious drug.

Go away now, josh.

Later, ms. B.

Let's go, team! Hustle out there!

Unh! Foul!

Ref, what's the matter with your whistle?!

Well, technically, nancy, the ref can't call a foul.

Shane was kicked by his own teammates.

Oh.

Look at isabel go.

How's she doing with her nutritionist?

Oh, fine. Fine.

She lost three pounds.

In just four months. Good for her.

She has a very slow metabolism.

We're thinking of putting her on thyroid medication.

Why she couldn't take after my side of the family, I will never know.

Did you see my kick?!

Yeah, I want to see more running out there, isabelly.

That's what burns the fat.

Your kick was great, isabel.

Yes, it was.

Yeah. I'm just gonna go get a drink.

Water or diet soda only!

You know, I love dean, but he has ruined my children.

He has.

Quinn has his asthma.

Isabel has inherited his unfortunate build.

It breaks my heart.

But we all have our crosses to bear.

Coach: all right, bring it on in.

Hurricanes, nice effort out there, huh?

Oh, look. I think shane is bleeding.

Ew! Shane just licked his own blood!

All: ew!

Maybe he needs more iron in his diet.

Here you go.

Okay. Let the healing begin.

Can we go home now? Please?

It's not even half time.

I don't feel well. I think I have rickets.

No, you've got to tough it out, little man.

See, that's what your father would have said.

How about this?

How about you relax and have a drink and sit out this quarter, and you'll play again in the second half, okay?

Okay?

Fine. Can I have fruit punch?

You can even have fruit punch.

I love you.

You know, from all the books I have read, you should really be encouraging shane and silas to talk about judah's death.

Or, down the road, you're looking at two very dysfunctional adults who will have trouble sustaining healthy relationships.

Celia...

What?

I had no idea you read books.

Well...

Hey, nancy... How's it going?

Douglas, do you know where your son josh is right now and what he's doing?

Yeah. Yeah.

He's over there somewhere.

Nancy, I was wondering if...

There's some really nice stuff in here, doug.

Okay, that's great.

It's kind of expensive, but I promise you, it's worth every penny.

Really?

Well, you haven't let me down yet, nance.

Thank you.

You're welcome. Catch you later.

I'll see you later, doug.

Oh, okay. Yeah, later.

He's trying to find something nice for dana.

Her birthday's coming up.

If he really wanted to do something nice, he'd ship that delinquent son of his off to m*llitary school.

Will you look at that?

The little scumbag sells dr*gs right on the playground.

Nobody does anything about it.

That's it. I'm gonna call the police.

Oh, please. Save your weekend minutes.

The kid will drop whatever he's got by the time he sees them marching through the sandbox.

There'll be nothing to arrest him for.

Somebody's been watching "law & order."

Just the reruns.

I've been finding jerry orbach oddly comforting.

Oh, you are such a brave widow.

All right, now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna chase that little fucker out of here.

Oh, did you hear?

They found a 10-year-old with marijuana in his lunch box yesterday.

A 10-year-old?

Put that on your ankle.

But I want to play! We're short one!

I guess I could go back in, coach.

What? Oh, uh, botwin.

There's only a few minutes left in the half.

It really wouldn't make a difference.

You... Sit there and ice that ankle so you can play after the break.

You hear me, cowboy?

Now, the hurricanes don't fully blow unless you are out there.

Coach, did you mean to say that to devin?

Because I think the hurricanes blow especially hard when I'm out there.

You watch yourself, botwin.

All right! Way to go, hurricanes!

Come on, let's see some hustle!

Actually you should alternate cold and hot every 20 minutes.

Don't even talk to me, weirdo.

Fine. I was just trying to help.

I don't need your help, lipstick.

Lipstick?

Your fruit-punch lipstick. Fruit punch.

It's perfect. Fruit for the fruit.

Or are you just pretending it's blood?

Because we all know how much you love the taste of blood.

Is that it, vampire?

Okay, I'm confused.

Am I "weirdo," "lipstick," "fruit punch," or "vampire"?

You really need to pick an insulting nickname and stick to it.

How about "orphan boy"?

I'm going to k*ll you!

You little freak!

Shane, where...

Come here, you! You are so dead!

Aah!

Oh, devin. Honey.

You really need to watch where you're going.

Well, it's never gonna happen in my house.

My mom's probably got, like, spy cameras in the light fixtures.

Come on.

You think I'm kidding?

This is a woman who put one of those stuffed teddy-bear nanny cams in the pantry so she could see when isabel was sneaking food.

I am so dead. I am so dead!

Is he coming?

There's no one chasing you, shane.

Oh, man.

What, are you wearing lipstick?

It's fruit punch.

I threw a can of soda at devin rinzler.

Well, that was stupid.

He called me "orphan boy."

Did you hit him?

No, just grazed him.

Oh, that's bad.

You can't miss the bear.

What bear?

I missed the bear.

The sh*t was nowhere near his optimum k*ll zone.

What are you talking about?

Don't you watch "bear hunt"?

Somehow I've missed it.

It's only the best show in the history of television.

Every week, these guys with g*n racks go out and they k*ll a bear.

That's horrible.

No, it's so awesome!

"You've just gotta bring enough g*n to get the job done."

Oh, and tell her about c.g.s.!

Whoa, shane, you're gonna wet yourself.

What's "c.g.s."?

Carter "grizzly" sutke. He's the host.

And at the end of each show, he's got...

He has the head of the bear that they sh*t that week.

And he leaves you with these, like, wise parting words like, "you can't miss the bear.

"Or he's gonna turn around and rip you open like a present from your mama on christmas morning."

Okay, we are breaking up.

Come on.

Think of the time this will save us on foreplay.

You just whisper, "sh**t me in the optimum k*ll zone,"

And I'll be good to go.

I could whisper "linoleum" and you'd be good to go.

You're finally gonna do it?

Thank god. He's been going crazy.

Shane, shut the f*ck up.

Doug?

Nance, you weren't kidding. This stuff is primo.

You want to climb in?

Unless you want to go back to buying ditchweed, I suggest you put away the pipe, hide the open bag of pot, and get your head out of your ass.

What?

You're on the g*dd*mn city council.

What if someone like celia walked by?

She is such a bitch.

Great tits, but a raging bitch.

Her husband's boning the tennis pro.

The asian girl?

Mm-hmm. She love him long time.

Doug, she's from anaheim, not bangkok.

She can't sh**t tennis balls out of her twat.

Last week, she stuck the handle of a racket up dean's ass when he was plowing her.

He said it felt unbelievable.

Any guy who lets anything up there is at least part f*g.

How do you know all this?

He's in the poker game.

And he just shared it with you?

He was losing, drank too much.

Did judah ever say anything about our sex life at these games?

No, no.

The guys who still have sex with their wives usually don't want to jinx it by saying something out loud.

He was a great guy, nance. We miss him a lot.

Yeah, me too.

If only he'd lived long enough for me to stick foreign objects up his ass.

I never even got a finger up there.

You're an amazing lady.

And you're an idiot.

Air out the van, and keep your smoke private.

You hear me?

Yeah. I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking.

Are we cool?

We're cool when you pay me.

Now we're cool.

Hey, hey, hey. I was just getting into that.

You know, it's all about textures this fall.

Give my love to dana.

Will do.

Hey, dana wants you to call her about taking a class on vegetable gardening or vegetable cooking.

Something with vegetables. Vegetable carvings, maybe.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Have you heard the good news about jesus?

You made me a promise, you little sh*t.

Take it easy.

I just heard a 10-year-old got busted.

A 10-year-old. You're a f*cking liar.

The kid told me he was 37.

You promised me no kids.

But they all want it, and they cry if you say "no."

I just sold him shake.

He's 10.

When you opened shop here, I was totally cool with you, you know?

And you took away a lot of my parent business, but I let it go.

It's not okay to sell to little kids.

I'm selling to whoever's buying, okay?

No, you're not!

No, you're not.

No?

What are you gonna do? Are you gonna tell on me?

My dad's over there, getting baked in the minivan.

He'll just be pissed that I was holding out on him.

Don't worry.

I'll never sell to shane, okay?

You're a kid.

You're just a stupid, irresponsible kid.

And you're a hypocrite.

"Keep kids off dr*gs,"

Cries the pot-dealing mom.

Hey, if it gets you through the night, good for you, nance.

I'll see you around.

Can we go now? I hate soccer, and devin rinzler called me "orphan boy."

Devin rinzler's a fuckwad. Get in the car.

Are you two coming?

Yeah.

Can we have sex in your house?

So, you guys really think you're ready?

Yeah. I've tortured him enough.

I mean, we've been going out for almost three months already.

A whole three months.

But I trust him.

And I think he loves me.

Shane: hello?

I think you're right about that, but you guys are only 15.

Mom? Mom!!

I'm not sure where she is. Can I take a message?

Now?

Okay. Bye.

Shane! We're up on the roof!

Who called?!

Quinn's mom. And she's on her way over.

Great.

Go warn your brother.

Silas!

She's gonna make you swear that silas and I are never in a room alone without the door open and a foot on the floor.

She is such an uptight prude.

No wonder my dad's screwing helen chin.

You know about that?

I had my suspicions.

You just confirmed them.

Oh, sh*t.

Look, mrs. Botwin, I think you're really cool, but silas and I are ready.

You say that, but you don't know.

You never know.

When I had sex with my last boyfriend...

Sex with your last boyfriend.

What, did you think we were virgins?

I'm climbing down.

See you in the house.

Oh, check it out.

Mr. Wells has a new boy toy.

He what?

I didn't know he had an old one.

Yeah, that guy raoul from the security patrol, but they broke up a while ago.

Hand me the binoculars.

Oh.

Oh, no way!

I know that guy.

His dad would so fully freak if he knew josh was gay.

This is so funny.

Josh? Josh wilson, josh?

Yeah.

I think he's a pot dealer or something.

I know nothing.

If it's girl scouts, get the mint cookies!

Yes?

Just one second.

Josh: the minty ones.

Wait. Who are you?

I'll just be a second.

Excuse me?

Your dad may not care about the dealing.

But, from what I hear, this would really upset him.

Okay. You win. No kids, ever.

I promise.

Oh, your promises aren't worth much.

I swear on my life, okay? You can't say anything.

You don't know what my dad is really like.

No, I don't.

You think you know a person.

He said he was 23.

Promise me you're not gonna say anything.

Please, ms. B?

I'll think about it.

What does that mean? What does that mean?

See you around, josh.

See you in church.

I know everything. I read her diary.

You read her diary?

They're going to have sex.

Here. I brought you something.

It has a camera in it.

Just slip it into silas' room and flip the switch right under the tail here.

I think silas would notice if a big pink bear suddenly showed up in his room.

And I'm not gonna spy on my kids, celia.

I trust them.

Please. They're all liars and sneaks.

And it is our job to discover what they're up to and stop it.

Are you really that naive?

I'm beginning to think I am extremely naive.

Take the bear.

I'm not gonna take the bear.

Take the bear. No.

Okay, fine. Fine.

Just promise me, mother to mother, that my daughter and your son will not have sex under this roof.

I know that it's hard for you to understand because you have boys, but I don't want quinn turning into some little slut, like that deaf girl down on dewey street who gave fellatio to dennis kling.

Promise me.

Fine, fine. Not under my roof.

You have my word... As a mother.

Thank you.

Pizza's here!

Where's my change?

Here.

Oh, look, silas.

Look at that cute stuffed bear on the table.

We used to have one just like it in our pantry.

What happened to that bear? I miss that bear.

"You can't miss the bear."

Uh, that is the bear from the pantry.

I was just showing it to nancy.

Why?

Why?

I've been thinking of investing in one of those "make your own bear" franchises.

Oh, right. Well, are you gonna keep him?

Because I'd love to put him in my room.

Gimme the bear.

Give me the bear.

He's all yours.

Of course he's not here today.

He knows he'd get his ass kicked.

Hyah!

Ha!

Oh, sh*t!

Ha ha!

Quit it! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Quit it!

Quit it!

You know, I think pink's really your color, you fuckwad!

Who's fruit punch now?

Nice.

Shane goes on a paint rampage and gets suspended.

The two of you ditch school to f*ck in my guest room.

I've got everything under control.

Don't you see?

Technically, we're not under your roof.

See?

Hey.

Oh, sh*t. Come on. Come in.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

It's all right. It's all right.

Helia, break out that pie you made last night.

The white lady having a time of it here.

Helia: make her get her skinny ass in here and get her own damn pie.

sl*ve days is over.

Oh, dean!

God damn it! Come on!

Oh, god!

Oh, dean!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Oh! Oh, oh!

Put it in, helen! Put it in!

Oh, my god! Oh, oh, oh!

That little c**t.

I should have had an abortion.