01x06 - Gloria's Pregnancy (aka Gloria Has a Belly Full)

[bunniefuu]

[ Announcer ]
From television city
in Hollywood.

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪

[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle
ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

[ raspberries ]

What's this country
coming to, anyhow ?

What is it, Archie ?
Bad news ?
What else ?

We get out of Vietnam
or somethin' ?

Don't be
a wise guy, huh ?

It's them tamale eaters
out there in Los Angeles.

They're riotin'
and fightin' with
them poor cops again.

What do them
people want, anyhow ?

Well, for one thing,
they don't want to be
called "tamale eaters."

Just look at
that picture there.
Look at them.

Throwin' bricks
and bottles. It's like
a regular "insurruption."

They like to be called
"chicanos," all right ?

Aw, who cares ?
What's in a name,
anyhow, huh ?

In my day, nobody went around
callin' themselves chicanos,

Mexican-Americans,
afro-Americans.

We was all Americans !

After that, if a guy
was a jig or a spick,
it was his own business.

What do you mean,
"it was his own business" ?

Certainly it was
his own business.

If he wanted to hang out
with his own crowd--
which most of them did--

that's how you got
your chinatowns, your harlems,

your little Italy,
all them other "grettoes."

So it's their fault
that you call 'em those names ?

It ain't my fault, meathead.

What's on
the idiot box ?

It's only an idiot box
if an idiot is watching it.

So don't peek.

[ Tv announcer ]
A boy needs your friendship--
what do you got circled here ?

"Pat o'brien in
the knute rockne story."
Again ?

Here we are !
Ah.
Hi.

About time youse
come waltzin' in.
Where youse been, anyhow ?

Oh, we got back in time.
He's still in one
of his good moods.

No, I ain't.

I wake up here
on a Saturday morning,
I'm all alone.

There's no note,
there's no nothin',
there's nobody here.

- Mike was home.
- Like I said,
there was nobody here.

On top of that, there ain't
a scrap of food to eat
in the house.

Oh, I made you
a liverwurst and cheese
with some potato salad.

It was right in the icebox.

Oh. Was that for Archie ?

You know something,
Gloria ?

This husband of yours,
he eats like
a government mule.

All right, Archie,
I'll fix you
something to eat.

But first Gloria has
some wonderful news.

We went to the doc--
all right, Edith,
not now.

The picture
just started, huh ?

Oh, that one you've seen
a hundred times.

That's the one
about the football coach,
knute acne.

Rockne, Edith, rockne,
and I ain't seen it
a hundred times.

I seen it maybe four times.
So leave me alone.

But, Archie, Gloria has
something to tell ya.

Oh.

Michael ?
Yeah ?

Mom and I went to
the doctor this morning.
For her or for you ?

For me. Would you
please close that ?
I wanna talk to you.

You know I can't
walk by a refrigerator
without gettin' something.

I don't want you
to get something now.
Give me that celery.

No, no, no.
Let's talk.
All right, what is it ?

You went to the doctor,
and it was for you,
it wasn't for your mother,

and you got
a big surprise.
The biggest.

Michael...

I'm gonna have--
wait.

I think I know
what the big surprise is.

Do you think you could
hold off telling me
for just a second ?

But why ?
I'm trying to think if it
could be anything else.

Like what ?
Like you found a purse
in the doctor's office...

With $ , in it.

Then you gave the money
back to the lady. She was
so happy, she gave you half.

Is that it ? It's not it ?
Is it close ?
No.

Please tell me it's close.

Oh, gee, Gloria !
Oh, what a thing !

Oh, what am I gonna do ?
I-I can't take care of you !

I can't take care
of a kid.
I don't have a job.

I'm in college !
I don't even have
an apartment !

- Well, Michael--
- I know. You don't have
an apartment either !

Why do things
get turned around like this ?

[ Groaning ]
I come home to tell you
I'm having a baby,

and suddenly it's become
a whole other event !

No, Gloria, it's--
it's not another event.

It-- it's the same event.
It's the same event.

It's a blessed event.
Here, sit down.

I'm supposed to
tell you to sit down.

I saw that in the movies
a hundred times. They
always tell the per--

oh, what am I doin' ?
I'm making it worse.

I'm sorry, Gloria.
I made you miserable.

Oh, Michael.
Don't worry about it.

I know we can make it. Lots of
other young couples have babies
while they're going to school.

There'll be plenty of time
to support us later.

[ Moaning ]

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh--
oh, don't mind me.

You two just go right ahead
with what you were doing.

While I think of it,
I wanna move some things here.

- What are you doing, mom ?
- Some of these cleaning fluids
are poison.

You gotta keep 'em
out of a child's reach.

All right,
what are youse doin' in there ?

You got somethin' to tell me.
Come on, huh ?

You got a station break,
a public service announcement,
a commercial coming up,

so let's go, go, go !

Archie's ready.
We got seconds.

[ Giggling ] I can hardly
wait to see his face !
I can.

Mike, Archie's gonna be
as excited about it
as you are.

That's what I'm afraid of.

Come on, come on, come on.
What's the news ?

Well, what do
you think, daddy ?

What do I think ?

When I see you
smilin' that way with all them
nice, straight white teeth,

I think of $ bucks
it cost me for braces.

[ Laughing ]

When I see Edith smilin'
the same way, well,
I figure it's gotta be gas.

As for this guy here, I think
his underwear's too tight.

Wrong on all counts !

If you're through, daddy,
we wanna tell you
the surprise now--

something I heard you
talk about a hundred times.

You and the meathead
got yourselves
your own apartment.

No, daddy.
No, mom and I went
to the doctor--

Archie, what if I
was to tell you...

That I think you're going
to have the little boy...

You always wanted ?

Holy cow, Edith !
Can't you do
nothin' right ?

For heaven's sakes,
daddy, it's not mother
who's expecting, it's me !

Yeah, Gloria's
gonna have a baby !

You're gonna be
a grandpa !

Oh, daddy !
Oh !
[ Laughing ]

Oh, Gloria !
[ Laughs ] Oh !
Mom !

Oh, my little girl !
[ Laughing ]

[ Laughing ] Oh, Gloria,
it's gonna be wonderful,
and so convenient.

Why, we can take care of
the : A.M. feeding.

With your room
right next to ours,

why, we'll be sure
to hear the baby cry.

And if you're
too tired,

why, I can
get up, huh ?

You can just
knock on the wall.
You're so thoughtful, mom.

And baby-sitters.

Oh, you got
built-in baby-sitters,

practically
seven nights a week.

[ Chuckling ]

Archie never takes me anywhere
anyway.

So it'll give us
something to do.

Oh, we might need
another refrigerator
for all the extra baby things.

Oh, no. We'll have
plenty of room.

We'll just take
the beer outta there.

[ Edith ]
Come on.

Come on.
I'll show ya.

Oh, it's a miracle,
ain't it, Archie ?

"A miracle" !

You give my daughter a baby,
and you can't even support
a goldfish.

Archie, my reaction
was the same as yours.

It was, huh ?

Well, when are you
gonna help me choke you ?

I-I'm tellin' you, Archie.

I'm as worried
about this as you are.

That ain't good enough !
You gotta be worried more !

When I married Edith,
when we had Gloria,

I not only had
an apartment and a job
but bucks in the bank !

I know, I know,
but what do you want ?

It's just one
of those things.
"Just one of those things."

I might have known
it was gonna happen
the way you carry on !

You're always pinchin'
and touchin' each other
like you was pickin' fruit !

Your whole generation
does nothin' but think
with its glands !

All right,
that's it, that's it !

When I first
found out about it,
I was feelin' guilty.

But after listenin'
to you, I'm startin'
to feel damn proud !

"Proud" ? Can you
put proud in the bank ?

How you gonna
support that baby ?
I can do it.

I'm not set up to
'cause I'm in school.
I could be workin'.

Workin' ? You ?
Yeah !

I'll believe that
when the th street bridge
grows leaves.

You start believin' it
right now, pal,

because that's it,
I'm quittin' school !

Quitting school ?
Michael, no !
No, no.

I'm getting a job
and taking care
of you myself.

I think I know where
I can get an apartment.
But you can't quit school.

You've gotta get your degree.
It's important
to your future.

Archie, you gotta put
a stop to that right now.

I've heard
this song and dance before.
If they wanna go, let 'em go.

But they can't leave.
The doctor says she ain't
gonna have an easy time.

The doctor should have
told that to him !

Oh, but, Archie,
we gotta stick by 'em,

at least until
Mike graduates.

A boy today
needs a degree...

If he's gonna
get anywhere.

I never had no degree,
and I always held up my end.

Well, it might have been
higher with a degree.

What ?
Your end.

Stop torturing me,
will ya, Edith !

Oh, I-I thought
I knew you,
Archie bunker,

but I never thought
you'd act this way
about your own grandchild.

Come on, Edith.
Now, don't make me out
no monster, huh ?

I'm tryin' to think of the way
they're hurtin' themselves.

I'm tryin' to think of
the financials of this thing.

Oh, you know
what I think ?

I think you don't want
a baby around the house.

You don't like babies !

That's a lie.

When Gloria was a baby
and cryin' in the middle
of the night, who got up ?

I did.
I mean after that.

When she was cryin'
four or five times
during the night.

I did.
Well, who said, "Edith,
Edith, the baby's cryin'" ?

That was you.

All right,
that's what I'm sayin'.
I was up as often as you.

He did it ! He did it !
Michael got us an apartment !

A friend of his
got transferred to Detroit,

and we get the first
two months' rent free !

And he's gonna get a job,
and he's going to night school,

and I hope
I have triplets !

She means it !
Aren't you gonna
do nothin' ?

You can't let 'em
leave here !

I ain't gonna worry
about it, Edith !

'Cause I don't believe
they're goin' nowheres.

Ohh. Ohh !

[ Knocking ]

Oh, come in, Lionel.
Morning,
Mrs. bunker.

Want some coffee ?
Oh, fine.
Thanks.

What brings you here
so early ?

Oh, I just brought
something by for Gloria.

Oh, how nice !

When mom heard Gloria
was havin' a hard time,

she figured this
would be just the thing.

I thought I'd bring it by
on my way to school.
Smells like chicken soup.

It is.
Mom's a great believer
in chicken soup.

Doesn't that--
doesn't that
strike you funny ?

No. Why ?
She ain't Jewish.

Well, I ain't Jewish,
and I'm a great believer
in chicken soup.

You know,
I wonder how chicken soup
came to be theirs.

Beats me. You know,
my dad often wonders how
pork chops got to be ours.

I'm dyin' for coffee, Edith,
so get with it, huh ?
Hiya, Lionel.

How ya doin' ?
What are you
doin' here so early ?

Lionel's mother
heard that Gloria
wasn't feelin' too good,

so she sent over
some food--
a nice pot of--

don't tell me,
don't tell me.
Let me guess.

Pork chops.

That's right. We was gonna
bring watermelon too,
but they's outta season.

Sit down,
Lionel.

Hey, Lionel.
How ya doin' ?

Hey, Archie,
did you switch from a brush
to a spray can shaving cream ?

I did.
What's it to ya ?
Oh, nothin'.

Except the spray can you bought
looked a lot like my deodorant.

Oh, now don't tell me
that you--

last week, I reached for
the liquid hair net,

and I sprayed my head
with room deodorizer.

All day long
I reminded myself
of the great outdoors.

I told you
before, Edith.

You gotta do somethin'
about all them spray cans
in that bathroom.

I know.
This sounds
just like my house.

Oh, yeah ? And how
do you people handle
a problem like that, Lionel ?

Spray cans, you know ?

I mean, with eight people
usin' an apartment-- families--

and people
sharin' a bathroom now ?

Oh, well, first,
it's only four families
to an apartment,

and only people
sharin' a bathroom.

And, anyway, what we do
is we take all our spray cans...

And shove 'em
onto special shelves.

So, what you could do is...
Shove yours.

You know, a guy could
take that two ways.

Yeah, but knowin' Lionel,
I think he only meant it
one way.

Oh, yeah.
He's a good kid.

Archie, when are you gonna
talk to Mike about stayin' ?

I don't know, Edith.
Maybe today.

Oh, now, you been
sayin' that all week,

and three days from now
they're movin' outta here.

Edith, I'll talk to him
when I talk to him.
When ?

Before.
Before what ?

Before they leave.
But I don't want 'em
to leave.

Will you stifle that ?
Now leave me alone.

Talkin' about that.
Get your mind over here.

What kind of sausages
you makin', anyhow ?

The kind you like.
Link sausage.

With pancakes,
I like Patty.

I was sure it was link.

No, Edith, Patty.

Oh, in coffee shops,
maybe a thousand times,

I've heard you
order link.

No, Edith,
always Patty.

And I was so sure
it was link.

Edith, I'm gonna say Patty
just one more time,
and that's it ! Patty.

Now don't say link no more.

Don't even think link, huh ?

Hey. Gloria, did-- didn't
the doctor say you should spend
at least half the day in bed ?

Oh, not today, Michael.
I feel super. Mmm.

[ Hiccup ]
Hey. Hey.

I think
I felt it kick.
Oh, no, Michael.

It's only been six weeks.
[ Hiccup ] Oh.

Some father.
I can't tell a hiccup
from a baby kick.

[ Doorbell ringing ]

Mona !
Gloria !
How are you ?

I went to see Dr. Otto
yesterday for my weekly.

He told me the news.
That's fantastic !
I know.

That's just great.
How come you're keepin' it
such a secret ?

Oh, congratulations, papa !

[ Chuckling ]
Oh.

Breakfast is ready.
Oh, hello, Mona. I didn't
know you were here.

Oh, good morning,
Mrs. bunker.

Will you have
some hotcakes with us?
Oh, no.

I had a huge breakfast
this morning,

and then I stopped
for a sandwich and a malt
on the way over.

But I'll sit with you.
Morning, Mr. bunker.
[ Edith ] Good.

Hiya, Mona.
I see you're still
walkin' around, huh ?

Oh, you're so cute,
Mr. bunker, but then
you always were.

You like pancakes,
huh, mone ?

I've been so hungry lately.
I just don't know
what's gotten into me.

[ Giggling ]

Well, we can
all see what's
goin' into you, mone.

Archie, this would be
a good time to talk to Mike.

Not now, Edith !
Link sausage.
I love it. Thank you.

Daddy loves it too.
Have some link sausage, daddy.
What do you mean by that ?

I mean, have some
link sausage. It's always
been your favorite.

You put her up to that--
about the sausage.
[ Edith ] I didn't.

I never said that word.
I didn't even think "link."

- Oh !
- You said it !

You said it right now !
All right, that's it !
I'm gettin' outta here !

Oh, Archie,
you forgot something.

I didn't forget nothin'.
I'm gonna get my breakfast
down at the diner.

You just don't wanna
talk to Mike.

I can't now.
You made me leave.

Gloria, I don't know
if I can do 'em
on a full stomach,

but I wanna show you
my natural childbirth
exercises.

You are going
for natural childbirth,
aren't you ?

Gee, I don't know.
Michael and I hadn't
discussed it yet.

"Natural childbirth" ?

Oh. Isn't that
where you're wide awake,

and you keep pushin' like
to help the doctors ?

That's right.
Oh, I don't know.

Gloria ain't too strong.

Oh, with all the money
you pay 'em, can't the doctors
help themselves ?

The thing about
natural childbirth is, ma,

that you get to see
your own baby
being born.

Yeah, ma, wouldn't you
have liked to have seen
Gloria born ?

No.

I'd be too scared.

Do you know how old she was
before I even counted her toes ?

How old, ma ?

[ Giggling ]

Oh, it's-- it's too silly.
[ Giggling ]

[ Laughing ]
[ Giggling ]

How old, ma ?

[ Guffawing ]

I-I--
[ Laughing ]

I-- I haven't even
counted 'em yet !

I counted 'em !
She has !

Twelve !
Now, that's very funny !

You think that's funny ?
Seven of 'em
are on one foot !

[ Laughing ]

[ Edith ] Gloria,
what's the matter ?

Hey.
Y-you okay ?

Something's wrong.

Uh, well, uh,
sit down.
No !

Mike, call the doctor.
It's there,
right on the pad.

Oh--
[ Sobbing ]

[ Gloria crying ]

Now, you're sure, doctor ?
You're sure she's
gonna be okay ?

Don't worry, Mr. stivic.
Just see that she gets
plenty of rest.

She'll be fine.
Okay. Thank you very much.

You're welcome.
So long.

[ Exhales ]
Ma ?
Yeah ?

The doctor just left.
He said Gloria's gonna be fine.

Everything's okay.
He said we can have
as many babies as we want.

Oh. This is the fifth
pot of tea I made.

And I scrubbed the sink
nine times.

Ma, you can stop now.
Gloria's gonna be fine.
Oh.

My mother once waxed
the kitchen floor times...

Waitin' for my father's
appendix to come out.

Oh, I gotta go see her.

Now all we gotta worry about
is your father-in-law.

Why ? What'll you
think he'll do ?
Oh, I don't know.

But all last week,
Gloria wasn't havin'
your baby.

She was havin'
his grandson.

And you just don't
take things away
from Archie bunker.

Hey, hey, hey !
Here I am !

On behalf of the bear and me,
I bid you all a good evenin'.

Archie--
Mike, I wanna
tell you something.

Archie, we tried
to reach you at work,
and you'd already left--

wait a minute.
Let me tell you somethin'.

Now, I thought
this whole thing over,
and you can't leave.

Because you can't go
to school at night and
work at the same time,

pay for an apartment,
support a wife and a baby.

See ? Now, to begin with,
you ain't got the brains.

Uh, Archie--
it's true, Edith.
It's true.

The boy didn't even have
the brains to keep himself
from gettin' pregnant.

Archie, I been tryin'
to tell you something--

I'm tryin' to
tell you somethin'.
We're not pregnant anymore.

Will you let me finish--
you're what ?

Well, we're not
gonna have a baby now.

You big dumb polack.
Did you do something illegal ?

Don't be ridiculous !
Of course not !
Then what happened ?

What's with the face
on you, Edith ?
What is it ?

Archie...

Gloria lost the baby.

What are you talkin' about ?
What do you mean by that ?

But the doctor says
she's gonna be fine.

She lost the baby ?
[ Edith ]
Yes, Archie.

She lost the baby.

Aw, gee.

[ Knocking ]
Come in.

Hi, daddy.

Hiya, sweetheart.
How ya feelin' ?

Hey, you look
pretty good there.

I didn't do
a very good job, did I ?

Aw, who said that ?
Some dopey doctor ?

Oh, no, no, daddy.
Stop.
Aw, gee whiz.

[ Sighs ]

You wanna say something ?

Uh-- well, no, no, nothin'.

I, uh-- no, nothin'.

You love me.

I love you too, daddy.

Edith, I'm waitin'
minutes for you
to make your decision here.

Do you want the nine
of clubs or not ?

I don't need it.
I got gin.
Ah--

we're goin' for a walk, mom.
We'll be back in an hour.

You guys goin' to
the movies later ?
If Archie don't change his mind.

Oh, good.
We can have the house
all to ourselves.

I changed my mind.

Daddy.

[ Announcer ]
All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.