01x08 - Lionel Moves Into the Neighborhood

[bunniefuu]

[ Announcer ]
From television city
in Hollywood.

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪

[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle
ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

Archie ?
Yeah ?

Do you like spending time
alone with me like this ?

I don't mean just now,
I mean whenever.

Do you ?

Of course I do.
Why do you even have
to ask a thing like that ?

'Cause I read somewhere...

That if two people enjoy
being alone together,

that's the acid test
of a good marriage.

All right, Edith.
We got a hundred percent
acid marriage, all right ?

Do you... love me ?

Where the hell are you
gettin' these questions ?

From Fiddler on the roof.
Ohh !

Yeah.

The wife asks the husband--

♪ do you love me ♪

yeah, I heard it
on the radio.

And the man in the song
couldn't give her
a direct answer either.

Edith, I give you
my answer every day.

I live with ya.
I take care of ya.
I go to work, I come home.

I go to work, I come home.
Now I'm readin'. Will ya ?

♪ But do you love me ♪

will you stop that ?

You sing like
a piece of chalk
on a blackboard.

My nerves are
bad enough already
readin' this paper here.

These headlines'd
put you away.

Look at this.
"Unemployment at
seven-year high."

"Rise of strikes
expected."

"No end to
inflation seen."

Nixon predicts
great year.
Huh ?
Where's it say that ?

You mean he didn't
say that today ?

Ain't you got nothin'
better to do than ridicule
your own president ?

You gotta admit,
he does lend himself to it.

Watch it !
Watch it, watch it !

Oh, come on, daddy.
The president is
the administration.

And lots of people
are criticizing
the administration today.

Not in this house they don't,
'cause in this house it's
"my country, right or wrong."

Yeah, but, Archie,
that's outmoded thinking.
It doesn't work.

In today's society,
if something doesn't work,
you throw it out.

Well, you don't work.
Maybe we better throw you out.

You wanna throw somebody out,
why don't you start with
your buddy Nixon, huh ?

I mean, it wasn't me who started
that unemployment rate goin' up
or the inflation.

And Mr. Nixon didn't
start them things either.

You take inflation.
Inflation is directly connected
to your wage-price index.

The president's got nothin'
to do with it, 'cause his wage
is fixed by congress...

And so is his price.

That'll teach you
to argue economics
with daddy.

He nailed me good
that time.
Yeah.

Hey, ma, are you
darning socks again ?
There's a hole in the toe.

Well, so throw 'em away
and buy a new pair.
Oh, that's right.

Throw 'em away.
Got any idea
what socks cost today ?

No, I don't know.
That's the trouble
with you kids nowadays.

You don't know what
nothin' costs.

When I was a kid,
I was so poor that--

you were lucky
to even have socks !

That's right !
Many's the time
we had to take--

stuff cardboard
in the soles of your shoes !

That's right !

We were so poor
that some mornings
going to school--

you had to tramp ten Miles
though the blinding snow
and the freezing rain.

Absolutely !

Didn't they ever have any good
weather when you were a kid ?

I don't remember none.

I think they invented
good weather around .

Oh, I remember
some sunny days.

They must've been
before we met.

Come to think of it--
aw, stifle yourself,
will ya.

We're going to the museum.
Bye, ma. Bye, daddy.
Yeah, see you folks later.

Bye-bye.

These socks cost
three pairs for two dollars.

What would one pair be ?

I think I'll go upstairs
and get a pencil and paper
and figure that out.

Aw, don't do that, Edith.
Who cares ?

Go make a pot of coffee,
huh ?
[ Doorbell rings ]

Go on, go on.
Make the coffee.
I'll get the door.

All right, all right.
Keep your pants on.

Mr. bunker ?
Oh, uh,
I gave at the office.

Oh, Mr. bunker--

no, you see,
I got nothin' to do with it.
It comes out of my paycheck.

It's all one lump.
It goes to all the charities,
including the black ones.

Yeah, but, Mr.--
and I wanna
tell you something.

You people deserve a lot of
credit for all you're trying
to do with them little hoodlums.

Uh, Mr. bunker.

I'm not here to collect
for a charity. I'm here
to pick up the key.

What key ?
The key to .

- Oh, well, this house is .
is just down the--
- oh, I got the key.

How do you do ?
Won't you come in ?

Oh, thank you.

What key is that,
Edith ?
The key
to Jim bowman's house.

Here you are.
Thank you.

My, you got here early.
Well, I wanted to get
right to work.

Oh, by the way, would it be
too much trouble to borrow
a pail from you ?

I forgot to bring one.
Oh, sure. Oh, you got
your work cut out for you.

I don't think that house
has been cleaned since his
wife d*ed three years ago.

And way before that.
Bowman and his wife was
always slobs, the both of them.

Archie !
I'll get the pail.

Ah, thank you.

Hurry up in there,
will ya, Edith.

How, uh--

how'd you like
the Julia show last night ?

Fine.
How did you like Doris day ?

Edith !

Here's the pail.

If there's
anything else you need,
just come over and ask me.

All right. Thank you so much.
I'll return it in
a couple of hours.

Hey. How come you got
Jim bowman's key ?

'Cause it ain't
Jim bowman's house anymore.
He sold it.

He sold it ?

Ohh,
that explains it.

I knew he'd never hire
no cleaning woman.

He sold his house ?
Yeah.

Shee, imagine that.
[ Chuckles ]

So he finally found a sucker
for that pile of shingles.

I think it's a very nice house.
Aw, get outta here.
It's a dumb house.

What's dumb about it ?
It's laid out bad, Edith.

Oh, it's exactly
the same as ours.

Oh, Edith. You see,
that's how much you notice.

That's typically you.
It ain't the same at all,
see ?

Now, our front door is there.
He's got a front door
over there, right ?

We got a bathroom and bedroom
up there. He's got a bathroom,
bedroom over there.

He's got stairs there.
We got the stairs over here.

Yeah, all the houses
are built exactly the same,

except some of them
are turned around.

Those are the ones
that are dumb !

Bowman's is a dumb house.

It's laid out bad.

I wonder who he
sold it to though.

Oh, Mr. bowman,
I'm so glad you're here.

I just noticed a new cr*ck
in the ceiling.

Mrs. Jefferson,
you bought a perfect house.

You're gonna be very happy here,
so let's not start
with none of that, huh ?

Well, my sister just talked
with the movers, and--
look, let's go inside and talk.

Why should everyone
know our business ?
We're gonna move in on Thursday.

Swell. Make it at night,
about : .
We can't move in at night !

I'll be moved out by then.
Let's get inside. We could
get hit by a car out here.

But-- but I--

you know, Edith,
I got one thing figured out.

Whoever it is
bought bowman's house
must be doin' pretty good...

If he can lay out
eight, ten dollars a day
for a cleaning woman.

Ten dollars ?

Oh, they're getting
more than that for
good cleaning people today.

Maybe she's a live-in maid.
What are you
talkin' about, Edith ?

The only people nowadays
can afford live-in help
are rich people and Jews.

Not all Jewish people
are rich.

I never knew one
that wasn't !

The steiners from
our old neighborhood weren't.

They didn't have
as much as we did, even.

Yeah, to hear them tell it.

Hey, you don't suppose
bowman sold his house to
one of that tribe, do ya ?

I mean,
he was always a jerk,

but he wouldn't do a thing
like that to this neighborhood,
would he ?

Well, what I'm wondering is,

if a rich Jewish person
could afford to hire a maid,

why would he buy
Jim bowman's old house ?

To make trouble, Edith,
that's why.

These people are always lookin'
to make a test case.

Why do you think
they got that there,
uh, organization there--

whaddya call it ?
B'Nai bris.

Well, I'm gonna go over
there and find out.
Where are you going ?

I'm just gonna take a walk over
to Jim bowman's house and talk
to him about it, that's all.

Where's my lumberjack ?
Right in there.

Where ?
Somewhere in there.

Well, "somewhere in there"
ain't "right in there," Edith.

How about right in there
somewhere ?

Will you get in there
and get the jacket ?

It was right there.

You sure have
your little ways
of torturing me, Edith.

Hey, bowman !
A-Archie !

I just come over
to congratulate you.
I heard you sold the house.

Oh, th-th-that's very nice
of you, Archie.
I-I-I appreciate it.

Yeah. Hey, wait a minute.
Where're you goin' ? I want
to ask you about the people.

I mean, how are they ?
Are they nice people
and all ?

Oh, they're fine people.
Salt of the earth.

Archie, I don't have much
wall space at the new place
I'm moving into,

so I thought maybe you
and Edith could use this.

Or do you already have a picture
of Charles a. Lindbergh ?

No, we ain't even
got anything close.

Oh, thanks, Jim.
Don't mention it.
I gotta run.

Yeah, wait a minute.
You know what was just
crossin' my mind ?

Remember old man mcnab,
used to live
down the street there ?

Remember the time he
was gonna sell his place
to them Jews ?
Oh !

And you come around with
that petition for all
the rest of us to sign.

Remember ? Keep 'em out ?
We all signed it, eh ?
Yeah.

Yeah. You really saved
the block that time, Jim.

Well, you know me.

So, I mean, you wouldn't then
turn around and do what mcnab
was tryin' to do, would ya ?

You mean, sell to Jews ?
Yeah.

Oh, no. No.

These people are baptists.
Oh !

Oh, that's nice, Jim.
Mr. bowman, I just talked
with the telephone company.

They're putting my phone in
today. Now I really believe
the house is mine.

Oh, hi, neighbor.

Archie--

Archie, Archie, listen.

The house has been on
the market for months.
I was gettin' desperate.

Sure, I admit it.

But do you think I would
give the shaft to my friends
on this block...

Out of my own
self-interest ?

Never !

I-- I sold to blacks,
Archie, because--

Archie, I am tired
of hating people.

I, uh, been thinking about this
for a long time now,

and I really and truly believe
what I read on those
bumper stickers:

"Good neighbors
come in all colors."

What colors do they come
in your new neighborhood,
jimbo ?

Here's what
you ought to do.
I don't wanna hear it.

Archie, listen.
Talk to everyone
in the neighborhood.

Get all our friends
together to chip in,
and you buy back the house.

Then you turn around,
and you sell it back
to one of our own kind.

What makes you think
these people are gonna
sell it back to us ?

You offer the schwarzers
a $ , profit.

You think they'll
go for it ?
They'll jump at it !

They'll be so happy,
you'll have them tap dancing
all the way back to Harlem !

Yeah ?
Sure !

It's not a bad idea.
In fact, it's a good idea.

Thanks, Jim.
What are friends for ?

Gloria, believe me,
you'll get to love this.

Well, put it down somewhere,
and we'll see how it looks.
Let's try the tv.

All right.
I'll move this thing.
Okay.

Huh ?
What do you think ?

I don't know.
What do you mean,
you don't know ?

That's truth staring you
right in the face.

Can't you see that ?
I'm sorry.

Look, it's all there--

the total condemnation
of a plastic society,

man's inhumanity to man
and the hope for a new
brotherhood shining through.

Where ?
Where ? There !

It's all there !
It's the overall effect.

That's totally unique.
I guess so.

I'm glad now we didn't
get the green one.

Oh, I didn't know
you kids was back.

Hi, ma.
Look what we rented
from the museum.

Oh, my.
Ain't that nice ?

I'm glad youse are all here,
all of us together,

because we got a little
important talkin' to do.

Did you see Jim bowman ?
I certainly did,
Edith.

Wait'll you hear
what he done to us.
What has he done to ya ?

Not only me--
to you, to you, to her,
to the whole neighborhood.

Edith, Jim bowman
sold his home...

To a family of spades.

Oh, my.

As if they didn't have
enough problems being Jewish.

Edith,
it ain't their problem,
it's our problem !

These people are
steppin' up in life,
and we're movin' down.

How much you think our
property's gonna be worth with
them livin' two doors away ?

Probably more than
it was worth before.

Oh, listen to
Mr. real estate himself.

He's gonna tell me
about land values now.

He can't afford enough
to buy enough land
to put in a flower pot !

Archie, they've done
sociological studies
on this thing--

sociological studies !
There he goes again !
Yes. Yes, that's right.

And they've shown that
the socioeconomic class
of the first black people...

Moving into
a white neighborhood...

Is usually higher than that
of the original inhabitants.

Therefore,
the land values go up.

Does anybody know what the hell
he's talkin' about ?

Don't be upset, daddy.
Why, the answers are all
right here in this sculpture.

Take, for instance,
what this represents.

This here is
the struggle of the races--
man's inhumanity to man.

Yet through it all,
the shining hope of
a new brotherhood. See ?

The girl has gone berserk.

I'm all alone here.

I'm all alone in this house !

Isn't anybody else interested
in upholdin' standards ?

Our world is
comin' crumblin' down.

The c*ons are comin'.

Archie, % of the population
is black.

There should be a lot
of black families
living out here.

Yeah, this is only
a beginning, but I
think it's wonderful.

Wonderful, huh ?
Well, let's see
how wonderful it is...

When the watermelon rinds
come flyin' out the window !

I need an aspirin.

Where will I find one ?

In the musical beer Stein
in our bedroom.

Ma, how do you feel
about the new neighbors ?

I mean, you never
told us how you feel
about black people.

Well, you sure gotta
hand it to 'em.

I mean, two years ago
they was nothin' but
servants and janitors.

Now they're teachers
and doctors and lawyers.

They've come
a long way on tv.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Oh, hey, Lionel.
Come on in.
How's it going, Mike ?

Here's last week's cleaning.
Thank you.

I would've had it yesterday,
but it's been a frantic week.
That's all right.

Things are getting a little
frantic around here too.
I'll put 'em upstairs.

Hey, listen--
Lionel, have you heard
the good news ?

No, but I've got some
good news of my own.

Lionel, we're having
a black family for neighbors.
They bought Jim bowman's place.

For $ , -- , down
on a -year mortgage.

- How did you know ?
- 'Cause we move in next week.

Your folks
bought the place ?
You're the one ?

That's right.
Lionel !
Hey, great !

That's fantastic !
Congratulations ! Gee, I can't
wait to see Archie's reaction.

I can't either !
Hey, mom ! Daddy !
I want to see that too.

It's Lionel !
[ Archie ]
Lionel ? Is Lionel down there ?

Yes, he is !
Hang onto him !
Don't let him get away !

I got somethin'
to say to him.

Archie,
you gotta hear--
wait till you hear.

Just a minute,
just a minute.

The two of youse
go over there to the couch and
do somethin' with yourselves.

I gotta talk to Lionel.
Come on over here, Lionel.

Sit down on that chair.
This is very important.
[ Clears throat ]

Now, Lionel,
you and I been friends
a long time, right ?

Right.
It's on the basis
of that friendship...

I'm gonna ask you
to do me a favor.
Sure.

Jim bowman,
our neighbor down the way,

just sold his home
to a family of coloreds.

No !

Two doors away.
Can you believe it ?
Does Mike know about this ?

Yeah, he knows about it.
All he can say is % of the
neighborhood ought to be black.

Twelve percent ?
Aw, no.

If you followed
that kind of thinkin',

% of the Harlem globetrotters
oughta be white.

I never thought of that.

Well, see,
it ain't the color,
Lionel,

because,
you know, uh,

many of your black people
are fine, decent people,
as you probably know.

Yeah, so I've heard.

But they'd be
more comfortable
somewhere else.
Right.

They'd be happier
with their own kind.

You took the words
right out of my mouth.

Now, listen, this is
what we're gonna do.

A group of
concerned neighbors
has got together...

And we're gonna
take up a collection...

To buy that house back
from them people who
bought it from bowman.

But what if they
don't want to sell ?

We're gonna give 'em
a $ , profit !
[ Whistles ]

Isn't that nice ?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.

So why should they turn down
a $ , profit...

In order to stay
in a neighborhood
where they ain't wanted ?

And you're gonna tell 'em
they ain't wanted.
Oh, no, Lionel.

You can't go up to people
and say a thing like that.
I mean, this is America.

That's what
I want you to do.

I want you to take them
the offer, see ?

I mean,
I could do it myself,
but for this job, uh,

you got the best
credentials.

See, now, not that
I'm gonna ask you
to do it for nothin'.

You bring this thing off,
there's gonna be a little
somethin' in it for yourself.

Yeah ? And I'd be doin' it
for their own good too.

Of course.
That's what I'm sayin'.

They ain't gonna be happy here.
What are they gonna do
for recreation ?

There ain't a crap game
or a pool hall
in the whole neighborhood.

There ain't a chicken shack
or a rib joint
within Miles of here.

No ribs ?
Lord almighty,
what is we gonna do ?

W-w-wait a minute, Lionel.
Just a minute. "We" ?

Who's "we" ?

My mother, my father,
my aunt and me.

Well, Lionel--
your family ?

I gotta tell you something,
Mr. bunker. My family bought
Mr. bowman's house.

And we're gonna keep it.
We like it here.

We like the house,
we like the neighborhood...

And I know we're gonna
get along just fine
with the neighbors.

I'll see you later,
Mr. bunker.

And the trash
is picked up on Fridays.
Trash on Fridays.

Yeah, and tell your mother
if she wants really good fish,

she should go to
the fish grotto.

If she wants
week-old fish.

It's a little far,
but it's worth the walk.
The fish grotto.

That's right.

Oh, and Mr. tomasetti's
got the best beef
in the neighborhood.

Tomasetti ?
Yeah, he's got good cuts,
and he don't overcharge.

Oh, tomasetti.
Oh, jeez.

Well, he does,
daddy.
What are you
talkin' about ?

Listen, Lionel,
don't pay no attention
to these people, huh ?

You wanna know anything
about the neighborhood,
ask me. All right ?

Now, you're writin'
things down, okay.
First of all--

tomasetti. He's an Italian.
We all know what they are.

He's weighin' out the hamburger
for ya, he ain't above slippin'
a fat thumb onto the scale.

So keep your eye
on him, eh ?
Fat thumb.

Yeah. As long as
you're gonna be in
the neighborhood,

you gotta look out
for al jejorian.
Jejorian ?

He runs the gas station.
He calls himself an Armenian.
He's really a gypsy.

Always tryin' to sell you
somethin' you don't want,
like a tune-up job.

Gypsy.
Yeah.

We got a German mailman
that never says nothin'.
Watch him.

Oh, yeah. Look out
for these colored guys
on the garbage truck.

They're always tryin' to set
you up for that Christmas tip.
You know what I mean ?

They're thieves,
and they start workin' on ya
'round Thanksgiving time.

[ Announcer ]
All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.