02x02 - Cooking with Jesus

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "weeds"...

I'm craig x, and you are at the bodhi-sativa caregivers club.

Nancy, it's sanjay. The bakery is on fire.

Oh, my god.

I am running for city council.

This is my thing!

Celia: you cannot become a lesbian just because you don't want to lose weight.

My whole life's been leading up to this...

To here, to the rabbinate.

I'm writing about what being a jew means to me.

Come here.

Did I mention I slept with a dea agent last night?

I'm out. He doesn't know.

You done stepped in some sh*t, and you ain't gonna track it through my house.

Peter: hello? Peter?

I was wondering when I was gonna hear from you.

You really know how to keep a guy on the edge of his seat.

Peter, um...

I can't do this.

I really like you, but, um...

I can't see you anymore.

I'm sorry.

I'm a widow, and I'm just starting to get back on my feet, and I can't get involved with someone who does what you do.

Nancy, nothing's gonna happen to me.

You don't know that.

You deal with... With...

With drug dealers.

I-i can't get close to you and lose you.

I just... I couldn't...

Go through that again.

I need to end this now.

I've been hurt, too, but I'm willing to... Take the risk with you.

I have very strong feelings for you, and what I do is mostly a desk job, nancy.

You carry a g*n. I can't.

Please don't call me anymore.

I'm sorry.

What's this?

It's for the campaign.

Family picture... Warm, fuzzy.

I put it on the calendar... "Wednesday, early evening."

You, me, isabel.

What about quinn?

Isn't she a member of this family?

I'm telling people she's dead, get the sympathy vote.

Celia!

I'm just kidding.

Gosh. Where's your sense of humor?

I phoned quinn, offered to fly her back for the photo.

We both agreed, it would be too hypocritical, even for me.

She sends her love to you.

Wants to know if you'll mail her some aa batteries and s'mores-flavored pop-tarts.

That f*cking rat dog is giving me a migraine.

Well, you can count me out, too.

Why?

You're my husband.

And you're local. I don't see a problem.

Maybe I don't feel like being a hypocrite.

Hopefully by wednesday you'll be back to your old self.

You don't want me to work on your campaign.

Why do you want me in your picture?

'Cause your tie is gonna match my dress.

If I'm out of the picture, I'm out of the picture.

Fine. Fine.

It'll just be me and isabel.

You take a lousy picture anyway.

Have a nice day.

Oh, you too.

I don't know why we couldn't go to tacos guacos.

I was up for tacos guacos.

It's too spicy, and it never looks clean in there.

You're a p*ssy.

There are mexican things on this menu.

Look. Look. They have tortilla soup.

It's a bowl of bullshit with chip scraps.

I hate chains. What about in-n-out?

In-n-out is independently owned by religious nuts that put biblical citations on the bottom of the cups.

They don't franchise, and they use fresh ingredients.

They cook with jesus.

I bet if we went into the kitchen here, we'd find some guy named jesus.

You trying to be funny?

I am simply pointing out that most southern california restaurants employ kitchen help of latin descent.

And that a lot of you name your kids jesus.

It's a thing with you people.

Sorry we're late.

It's andy's fault.

Totally my fault.

Where's conrad?

Hey, I've been meaning to ask... Is conrad a popular name in the african-american community?

He's the only one I ever met.

He's not coming. He's out.

Now, let me show you what I've worked out.

I've broken down everything we need to do, and I've assigned each...

Whoa. Time-out.

The black dude had our genetics.

What happened to him? Conrad.

He simply wasn't prepared to take the next step.

Are we?

Thanks to a little incident at the bakery...

I did that.

...we are fully prepared, yes.

But we don't have a plant. He wasn't prepared?

We don't need his plant.

We'll get a new one at the mohasky cup.

You got us in?

I hear they hold that in a supersecret location.

I'm just that good.

It's the promised land of pot.

The mecca of marijuana. The cathedral of cannabis.

The kingdom of kush.

The temple of tea.

Going to show off, man? I'm just that good.

There are growers and vendors and clones all over the place.

I'll take doug and andy. We'll pick the best one.

We'll start a harvest.

Just like that?

If everyone does his job, yes.

Dean, you need to find a grow house.

Sanjay, you could start researching hydroponics.

And, you, I'll need you to get equipment...

Grow lights and fans and all that.

We don't need conrad or his plant.

We could have our own strain growing next week.

This would be easier if we had the black dude.

Yes. Well, we don't, so...

Let's move on.

So I want to grow hydroponic gourmet organic lettuces.

Come on, conrad.

Cut the sh*t, bro. Lettuce?

You see what whole foods be charging for arugula and endive and sh*t.

Tyrell... Tyrell, there's money in there, man, I'm telling you.

Fine. That's how you want to play it?

I don't see how you could possibly make enough to cover your expenses, much less make a profit using this business model.

You ain't making no lettuce off lettuce.

You funny right now, dude.

Is this how you talk to all your customers?

I do when I shared a bunk bed with them at the ymca camp.

And even if we didn't go way back, bro, any loan officer is gonna know you want to grow some booya.

Can you hold it down?

Hey, jim, I got your e-mail.

I'll have those loan estimates to you by 3:00 p.m., Buddy.

Hey, jim, what do you say we get together after work for some shrimp poppers at the hockey game, dude?

Look, brother, I'm just doing what I need to be doing.

And I'm not gonna risk my job just to give you a grow loan.

Even if you did keep antwon green from kicking the sh*t out of me after campfire.

Yeah. Well, you're welcome.

I'm sorry, brother.

Look. Hey, how about a free calendar?

Man, I don't want no damn... Just give me my plan, dog.

Hey, beautiful.

Princeton?

What happened to ucla?

I got into princeton.

It's an ivy league school.

Ivy league.

But you said you would go to ucla and then next year I would go to northridge and we would get an apartment together.

You don't get it. This is princeton.

Well, I can't get into princeton.

I'm not deaf.

Did you just say what I think you said?

I got into princeton because I'm smart and I work hard.

Yeah. Well, I'm sure being deaf didn't hurt.

So "gozer," in hebrew, means "a surgeon who performs circumcision."

And my bar mitzvah theme was "ghost busters,"

Featuring, as we all know, gozer the gozerian.

Coincidence? I don't think so.

Megan!

I don't think she heard you.

Megan! Megan!

She's not listening to me either.

Are you listening to me?

I'm listening.

Your judaism is like "ghost busters."

It's totally dumb, right?

I'm going to iraq. I'm gonna die.

I liked the part where the bully locked you in the girls' bathroom.

Shepsie harris. It was so f*cked up.

Kids are supposed to get b*at up on the way to hebrew school, not in it.

Are you gonna be ready when doug gets here?

Hey, nance, what's the real story with you and conrad?

I just decided to go in a different direction.

I think you're full of sh*t.

I think you're not telling me something.

I don't give a flying f*ck what you think.

Celia.

Here, nancy.

Sign.

I'm dying of thirst. Do you have diet coke?

I never should have worn these f*cking heels.

Didn't sleep a whole night.

The neighbors have this new f*cking yappy dog.

I want to drop-kick the thing.

Hello, freeloading brother-in-law.

You're not doug.

I'm thinking that should be my campaign slogan.

It's broken.

It is? Since when?

I don't know. I called the man.

There are cold sodas in the vegetable drawer.

That's where they are? Why did you hide them?

I don't hide. I like them crispy.

And you drink too much caffeine.

I'm sorry about your car.

Do you know who hit me? Is she one of your maid friends?

What's her name?

Oh, I don't know.

We just call each other "maid friend."

I go call the ice man now.

So, nancy, I have covered from rancho flora to rancho carne.

So if you could hit the hill streets...

Hilldale, hill basin, all the way down to hillhurst...

I think we're gonna be good.

Did we have a plan?

What do you mean? I sent you an e-mail.

I sent you a whole schedule here.

Well... Anyway, today we're canvassing for signatures.

I need like 100 to be eligible.

I thought we'd have a brainstorming session.

I could make margaritas. I'm busy today, celia.

Doing what?

I mean, I know you're not going to work.

So you have no excuse.

Who's ready to mohasky?

Aw, who let in cancer c**t?

It's cancer tits, doug.

No wonder your wife prefers to f*ck a pole.

My wife is f*cking a polish guy?

I think she's talking about dana's stripper class, doug.

Oh. Oh. Like the actual pole itself.

Oh, I get it now.

That's funny.

But seriously, I hate you, and I hope you get hit by a truck.

Why are you here?

Nancy and I are gathering signatures.

I'm... I'm not really free today, celia.

You know what? I know I can kick your sorry ass.

Give me that.

Let me show you who the bigger man is.

Don't tell me that you're working for doug.

I'm not working for anybody. You're both my friends.

You promised.

I didn't promise anything.

I'm not gonna get in the middle of this.

We got to get going, nancy.

Where are you going with him?

Small-business expo.

I need to find some work.

This doesn't have anything to do with the campaign or anything.

Okay, celia?

Please understand.

So you're really not gonna help me with this?

I just can't, celia. I'm sorry.

Andy, come meet us in the car!

Here you go.

Good luck.

"Mr. Fukhusen, 110 eat sh*t lane."

Oh, that's lovely. That's just lovely.

I thought this didn't really exist.

Hey, nancy! So glad you could make it.

Douglas.

Hey.

You here as an official taster?

We're the lungs of the operation.

Thanks so much for getting us in, craig.

You end up with some great strain, you will return the favor.

Remember, it's all about relationships. Totally.

Let me show you around. Bring the lungs.

I've d*ed and gone to heaven.

I am so happy.

I am in way over my head.

Just relax. I'll walk you through it.

Thanks. I appreciate it.

No problem. I'll catch you later.

Me too.

Trichomes on this baby are so fat and lustrous, they sparkle.

This has the musky, botanical smell of hay and autumn leaves.

This is the one. This is the one.

We're talking yield of up to 430 grams per square meter.

Oaxacan sativa with afghani indica.

That last one... Bullshit. This is the one.

California strain with white rhino backcross.

This is so the one.

Even head-body high with giggles and munchies.

Oh, this is the one.

I'm glad that our last name isn't drew.

'Cause then you'd be nancy drew, and I'd be andrew drew.

When does cpr become necrophilia?

Sweet and peppery.

Psychoactive with clarity.

4 To 5 kilos per plant.

Korea.

Jamaica.

Swaziland.

This is just some great sh*t.

We gonna be selling this sh*t inside of three months.

The high is cerebral and clear, but it's relaxing and social at the same time, man.

It's got this piney, earthy scent, like aromatherapy sh*t going on.

Now, it is a sativa-indica blend f1, but I've taken this mix up to a f6 on a small scale, and I've stabilized the genetics for seed sales in the future.

I'm thinking ahead. You understand me?

This bitch right here grow in a sea of green.

And it ripens real fast after forced flowering.

That's a beautiful plant, man.

I'm sayin' this is some beautiful sh*t.

I'm so proud of you, man.

I-i remember when you was just this little stony kid limping behind heylia.

Look at you now. You got your own strain.

What do you call that?

n*gga, you lend me this money, we gonna call it "I like mike."

'Cause my name's mike.

I got you. That's beautiful.

So we can do business?

No.

How you gonna say no, dog?

No, man.

I-i'd love to get you some seed money, but you got... You got some family sh*t, man.

I can't get into no family sh*t, not with heylia james.

Heylia ain't got to know nothing about what we doing.

Oh, man, we in this small town.

We're in an even smaller business.

And if there's one thing we all know about your auntie, she's up in everybody's everything.

If she don't want you to grow, she probably got her reasons.

Go talk to her. Right?

Extend the peace pipe.

Get it? Peace pipe?

Yeah, I get it.

Andy?

Shh! I'm on a roll.

Oh, god, this is so good.

This is so good, nancy.

What are you writing?

My essay.

Why are you writing it in the girls' bathroom?

The men's room smells like pee. Shh!

Oh, andy, you're right.

Whoo! This is the one.

I know, man. This is so the one.

What is that?

Booth 3, jar 6.

You got to buy this, nancy.

We'll rebrand it.

Call it "holy sh*t."

Holy sh*t. Yes.

Shh! It's all flowing.

Is this your version of a torah?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you could say that.

I found it very moving...

And thoughtful.

I'm surprised.

Well, I have many layers.

I'm like lasagna.

Maybe you should never speak but only write.

You make me nervous.

Um, are you letting me in?

Provisionally.

Whoo!

All right! All right!

Guess who got into rabbinical school.

It's great. Everybody's getting into their dream school.

Congratulations.

Hey, what's up with you?

Nothing.

Come on. Is it a girl thing? I'm the expert.

I saw up the admission director's skirt today.

Tell me what's up.

Megan got into princeton.

Oh, yeah? Good for her.

It's in new jersey.

So go to new jersey.

Just get a van and go, man.

I spent four years at harvard, sitting in on classes, f*cking smart chicks.

It was awesome.

Didn't cost me a dime.

I graduated magna cum loudly.

Does it have to be a van?

It has to be a van.

Come on, isabel!

We're losing the light!

Coming.

Oh, god.

Who are you, willie nelson?

I want to wear this.

What happened to the dress?

I still have red on.

All right, this picture is to make me look like a warm and maternal public figure, not the g*dd*mn poster parent for pflag.

Forget it.

I'm not playing dress-up for your stupid picture.

You march back into that house and put on the g*dd*mn pretty dress. No!

It's all a lie.

d*ck cheney has a lesbian daughter.

Yeah, and she's not in any of the pictures either.

That's politics, honey.

And I didn't sh**t anybody in the face, so stop making comparisons.

I'm out of here.

Okay.

All right, photographer. Let's go.

It's just me.

Oh!

That f*cking yappy rat dog.

This is it.

Come on, baby.

Don't you die on me.

Hey, mom, I want to let you know...

Next year I'm dropping out of school and moving to new jersey.

Okay.

So I stabilized the genetics for seed sales in the future.

This m*therf*cker right here will grow in a sea of green.

I'm not playing, dude.

It'll ripen real fast after forced flowering...

Hey, will you n*gg*s shut the f*ck up?

Man over here trying to talk.

You want a piece of avocado? Got that good fat.

No, I'm good. But thanks, man.

Um, anyway, all you got to do...

Yeah, man, I heard enough. I'll do it.

Okay. Now, look.

I got to let you know that heylia ain't on board.

Yeah, I ain't afraid of heylia.

I ain't scared of no bitch. This about money.

Aah!

I thought I told y'all n*gg*s to shut the f*ck up!

I don't like having to repeat myself!

Go take j-cuz into the other room and clean him up.

If you don't bring my Kn*fe back clean, I'm stabbing all you n*gg*s through the heart!

You hear me? You understand?

Anyway, so just so we clear, you work for me.

I mean, my money, my operation, 60-40 my way.

You know what? Let me think about it.

Ain't this some sh*t?

Stupid-ass bitch don't know how to take what's offered.

U-turn, come on, man. We go a little too far back...

Man, I ain't talking to you.

I'm talking to this stupid-ass bitch on tv.

Anyway, go ahead, conrad.

You know, do whatever you got to do, man.

You change your mind, you know where I'm at.

Oh, I couldn't find a house. Market's crazy.

The hydroponic seminar was booked three months in advance.

How's our plant?

I think I k*lled it.

I have some good news.

You got us equipment?

No.

But I'm going to the show.

I got called up by the blue jays.

I leave for toronto in the morning.

Hey, congratulations, man!

Thanks.

Your cup of coffee, partner.

Oh, I f*ckin' hate chains.

So I'm gonna buy a van, and we can get an apartment off campus together.

Yes, I can. I'll take the g.e.d.

I don't care. I just want to be with you.

You'd have nothing to do.

I'll get a job. I'll go to junior college.

New jersey must be full of crappy schools.

But I love you.

No.

Oh, check me out.

Making fresh bru-shetta.

I think it's pronounced bru-sketta.

Now, what the f*ck you know?

The italian guy on "iron chef" said "bru-shetta."

You know, you gonna have to stop saying "f*ck"

Around the baby so much.

And you gonna have to stop cooking with so much garlic, 'cause it gives him gas.

Well, you don't like it, you don't have to eat it.

But I will watch my mouth.

I don't want my grandbaby's first words being something nasty.

You want some bruschetta, conrad?

Hmm?

Oh, no. No, thanks. I-i got to run.

Where the f*ck he going?

I mean hell... Where the hell he going?

Like you don't know.

You know he looking for financing.

Well, he'll give up soon enough.

Ain't nobody around here gonna back him while I'm around.

Damn, you cold.

I am not.

Do it from love. Boy ain't ready.

Still makes too many stupid decisions.

So you call my ass up 7,000 times to show me the charlie brown christmas tree?

I shouldn't even be here.

Yes, you should.

Please, conrad. I can't do this without you.

No sh*t. That don't change things.

Conrad, I swear, he never knew a thing, and I stopped seeing him.

We haven't spoken in over a week.

I swear on my children. He... He had no idea.

And now he's out of my life, and I have a dead plant a check for $80,000, and I'm surrounded by idiots.

Where the hell did you get that kind of money?

Sanjay b*rned the bakery down.

All right.

You know, my plant is so much finer than this one.

I know. Your plant is fantastic.

Unbelievable trichomes.

So now you showing off?

I'm just getting started.

Your kid just bit his kid's foot?

At a karate match...

Totally random, like a sick cosmic joke.

He ever ask what you do?

Sure, he did, and he saw I ran a bakery.

And when I asked about his work, he came right out and told me... No weirdness or anything.

So, how you break it off?

Clean.

I told him his work was too dangerous.

I couldn't lose another man, and...

He understood.

That's pretty good.

Conrad...

We're a great team.

Please, please trust me.

It's all gonna work out.

Let's do this.

sh*t.

Here we go.

I'll get napkins for everybody.

Thank you, honey. That's so great.

Ice maker's still broken.

Lupita.

He say he coming. I don't control the man.

We need to talk about that little bombshell you dropped.

You're not quitting high school.

I know. Plan's off.

Can we just forget about it?

Plan's off? What happened?

Did you have something to do with this?

What? No. What are you talking about?

What happened?

Nothing.

Megan and I broke up, okay?

Can we change the subject?

We could talk about bird flu.

It's gonna k*ll everybody.

Let's not talk about bird flu, sweetheart.

Swine flu?

Are you saying there's flu in these spare ribs?

Beef ribs, baby.

This jew boy is off the other white meat.

Hello?

Peter: hey, nancy.

Peter?

I'm outside your house right now, and I'm not leaving until I speak to you in person.

Did I not say I don't want to talk about it?

I'm getting out of the car and walking to your door.

No, no. I'm coming out there. Stay in your car.

I'm coming.

There's this kid at my school who always picks his nose, and he says that if you don't pick your nose that your boogers could back up and block your airway and you could die.

I'll be right back.

I can see how that would be true.

Man: 101 southbound and coldwater canyon, one-car pileup...

Peter, I asked you not to call me, let alone drive to my house, and I think I was really clear I can't see you.

And I don't know what you're doing here.

When I told you this isn't gonna work, I meant it, and I didn't say it lightly, 'cause I really do like you.

But I can't, and I'm not gonna change my mind.

And I'm really kind of upset to see you here, because it hasn't been easy for me.

And frankly, I think it shows a lack of respect on your part, because I asked you to stay away and you didn't.

So I'm gonna say it one last time, and I hope that you hear me.

Please go away and don't ever call me or contact me again, because we will never be.

I know you're a drug dealer.

You see? I did all right.