02x11 - Yeah, Like Tomatoes

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "weeds"...

U-turn, why the f*ck ain't I got this new weed?

The strain's called "milf weed."

It's the brand of the day.

I totally kick ass!

What does kicking ass entail?

A girlfriend. But that's not all.

I'm going to be the class speaker for graduation.

He doesn't know what I do.

Keep clinging to that raft.

You are new to the neighborhood. This is to say goodbye.

Woman: dozens were arrested, including drug kingpin aram kesheshian.

Our very first camera.

Doug: this is better than p*rn.

Some f*cking lowlife has stolen two of them already.

And the "drug free zone" signs and the sasquatch costume.

dr*gs are wrong!

I'm cat. Is andy here?

How'd you find me?

You must be shane. Hi. Heart hug.

Are you the crazy chick from alaska who tried to k*ll my uncle?

Abumchuk's very upset with you.

He read my memoir, and he wants to k*ll you, andy.

Peter and I are technically married.

It's a business arrangement, pure and simple.

Silas.

Silas: go away.

You can't stay locked in there forever.

Go to him. You tell him you love him.

Tell him you're out after the harvest.

You get your money back, heylia james gets wiped off his board, I take the equipment and disappear.

Did you tell heylia yourself, or did you have your boy conrad do it?

I gave you the armenian.

I gave you the armenian!

This is just not f*cking working.

This just isn't working.

Agent wonder bread is not my husband.

I do not love him. I'm never gonna love him.

You should be careful.

The human body is very flexible.

Yeah, but your small intestines can get tangled and eventually explode, sending fecal matter...

Shane! Leave cat alone.

Cat? Please leave my house.

Are you attracting lesbian vampires?

What?

Pussycat having a nosebleed?

Big red? Shark week? Aunt ruby in town?

Are you asking if I'm having my period?

We're cycling together. Isn't that cool?

Andy!

Why is your lunatic girlfriend still in my house?

Oh, don't worry.

If no one claims her in the next few days, I'll have her put down.

Silas, where were you? Give me your car keys.

Give... Give me your car keys!

I think not wanting to hear your mom have sex with a narc is a good enough reason to stay out all night.

Mom kicked him out after 15 minutes.

Shane.

Talk about the fastest g*n in the west.

Shark week. Shane.

Peter?

Oh, you brought many oranges.

Felt bad for the orange guy.

It's a hot day, not a lot of traffic.

Plus, I felt bad about last night.

It was kind of awkward.

It was.

This is our...

Adjustment period... Time.

So you're okay with where we are... As a couple?

Of course.

Feeling good?

I'm feeling great.

Great. That's great.

Yeah, yeah.

So, how long before you retire and I get you all to myself?

Soon.

Can't wait.

Yeah.

You and me.

You and me.

You want some orange juice?

Fresh-squeezed?

No.

Bye.

Thank you.

Doug:

Ahh!

We can't... We can't keep doing this.

You're right.

Let's mix it up a little.

You get on top of me, but don't face me this time.

No, I mean we can't keep f*cking in motel rooms.

I got to be honest with you.

I'm not that comfortable having sex in public places.

I'm too tall.

Why are we still sneaking around behind the backs of people we don't even love anymore?

That's how cheating works.

Hey, let's play some more surveillance videos.

No, we can't.

Drug-free-zone bandit finally stole my last f*cking camera.

Is that what we sound like?

Listen to that.

That is so f*cking hot.

Uh-huh. Mmm.

Would you leave dean?

What?

Would you leave dean?

Would you leave dana?

If I left dana, would you leave dean?

If I left dean, would you leave dana?

Dana doesn't like sex.

She's a fool to reject you.

You are an awesome lay.

Sí, sí, sí!

So, let's do it.

I'm sick of living in a fuckless marriage.

Well, with what you have between your legs, it's a waste.

It's like having this great big boat and no lake to sail it in.

Ohh.

Be my lake.

Sí, sí, sí!

Chill the f*ck out.

There's a lot of people in front of you.

Well, yeah.

If you're talking that kind of money, I suppose we could move you up.

Right on, man.

9:00 This morning, our stash was valued at about 300 g's.

But the market's making the bull run.

So if we just hold off for, say, another week, we should know half a mil easy.

Do you think you can string agent wonder bread along for one more week?

I'll just tell him my aunt ruby's in town.

Who?

Never mind. I'll string him along.

It'll be over.

He brought me oranges this morning.

Half a million, huh?

f*cking shame.

What viagra was for pfizer, milf weed could have been for us.

Yeah. f*cking shame.

I'm gonna use my cut to start my own grow house.

I did it once. I can do it again... Better.

Hey, g*ng. I'm glad you're both here.

I'm starting my own hedge fund, and I'm looking for investors.

Why don't you come look at this?

Did you know that there are amazing opportunities to be had in the exploitation of emerging third-world countries?

There are 370 billionaires in this country and 40 million people living beneath the poverty line.

Wake up, 7-eleven... This is the f*cking third world.

How do you know all that stuff?

"The daily show."

Oh, my god!

Get on the f*cking ground.

What the hell are you doing?

No more games. No more bullshit.

I want the marriage certificate.

What?

I want the certificate, or your boyfriend here is going to be just another dead n*gg*r drug dealer!

It's too late.

I sent it in. We're on record.

My wife?

My wife.

Why are you doing this?

Because I'm agent wonder bread.

All right, f*ck it.

f*ck the marriage certificate.

Here's how we're going to play it now.

Take your last harvest, get a single buyer, make a quick deal, and then hand all the cash over to me...

Every g*dd*mn last penny.

And then I want you to make every effort to ensure...

That I never see you again.

All of it?

If you prefer prison to giving up your payday, I'll take you down.

And if I go, too, it serves me right, because I laid everything on the line for you, and you f*cked me.

See you soon.

Give me your f*cking phone.

You hear me now, m*therf*cker?!

You hear me?!

Did you sleep in the guest room?

No.

Then where were you?

f*cking doug.

What he'd do now?

Me.

Celia, what the hell are you talking about?

I'm leaving you.

The marriage is over. I want a divorce.

I'm having an affair with doug.

It's official. You've lost your mind.

Where do you think that I've been all these nights?

Why do you think I've been so happy?

Doug wilson?

I think it's best if you move out.

I hear the oakwood in burbank is very nice.

Doug hates you.

Doug loves me... Now.

Unbelievable.

Why?

I mean, you are so the kind of guy this stuff happens to.

Who's gonna tell isabelle?

We'll tell her together.

Isabelle: I want to live with dad!

How do you spell "hypocrisy"?

This is boring.

Shane, I have to go out somewhere for a couple of hours.

Lupita's in her room. Andy's... Someplace.

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

You look anxious.

I'm fine.

Hi, mrs. Botwin.

Oh, hi, gretchen.

Shane's right. You look anxious.

I'm fine. I'll be home soon.

Your mom's weird.

I know.

How do you spell "gomorrah"?

Who cares?!

Let's get drunk!

Drunk?

Hey, guys. What's going on?

Hi, cat.

Hi.

Uh. I'm shane's girlfriend.

Oh, lucky you!

It's our one-week anniversary.

Oh, my gosh. I am so happy for you guys.

The first week is so hard, but if you haven't slept with someone else by now, it's a pretty good sign.

Andy: hey, buddy. Your mom gave me orders.

We got to go to the mall and pick you out a graduation suit.

I'm coming.

I could take this a lot of places.

I come to you out of respect.

Respect, my ass.

You came to me 'cause you in trouble.

Yes. Yes, I am.

And despite the fact that you threatened to k*ll me and orphan my children, you're still the only person I can make this offer to that I trust.

Hold on.

Come on. Let's go! Gonna be late.

Don't look at me like that. I know your mama, now.

So, what you got to say?

Buy our harvest.

Bargain-basement prices.

Walk away with six months' worth of the best sh*t in town...

Double, triple your investment.

And who am I supposed to sell it to...

These kids here?

I know your game is shut down. Take it back east.

You're always talking about buying a place next to your sister's in detroit.

Oh, so now I'm supposed to traffic across state lines.

Ain't that genius?

Take a business it took me 20 years to build and just pick it up and move it someplace else.

You tell me you getting the shakedown from mr. Federal agent?

Well, good. Welcome to the f*cking party.

Conrad know you come to see me?

No. You buying or not?

You two like them big companies pumping toxic sh*t in the air and then acting all surprised when ice caps melt and hurricanes drown new orleans.

f*ck you. I drive a prius.

Hey, vaneeta.

Conrad in it up to his bald f*cking head.

Oh, we going to jail.

Shane: she's just so awesome.

Uncle andy, do you love cat?

No. No, no.

Then why are you with her?

She makes me crazy, and she makes me crazy.

Will you stop hitting on my boyfriend?

Hold him too tight, and he'll turn to dust.

Bite me.

All right. Gloves off.

You want a piece of me?

It's all f*cked up, but it's never boring, you know?

Look at this. See that scar?

She stabbed me with an icicle when she thought I kicked one of her spirit animals.

What's a spirit animal?

Who the f*ck knows? 10 Stitches.

But she keeps me on my toes... All eight of them.

When I'm with her, I'm alive.

It's him. We better go out the back.

It's him. Who?

Abumchuk.

The eskimo?

He's big.

Yeah, he wears a size 15 mukluk. It's go time.

Uh, we're gonna take this one.

Who are you?

I'm a businesswoman.

What do you want?

Something you want.

p*ssy?

Even better.

Yo, right here.

Ugh!

Go ahead, man!

Yo, u-turn.

Which one is he?

Ugh!

Ow!

See if you can guess.

Lose the shirt.

Check ball.

Yeah.

What you want from me, man?

I'm looking to sell about 38 pounds of sexy mama.

Yeah, that's a big move.

Rejected!

All right.

Man, I'm talking about your weak-ass sh*t!

I'll take some. Ball!

Let me ask you something.

Why do all the b*tches got to be so f*cked up and crazy and sh*t?

Well, uh...

I don't know.

Uh, it's not easy being a girl, you know.

We have a lot of... Issues.

f*ck that bullshit.

Okay.

Now, all or nothing. That's the deal.

Are you heavy enough to handle it?

Ugh!

Ohhh!

Do I look like I'm heavy enough?!

You know this bitch tried to f*cking light me on fire?

Uh-huh. What did you do?

sh*t, I didn't do nothing.

I f*cked her sister.

She only tried to to let you know how hurt she was.

Hey, I got hurt, too.

Skanky f*cking sister gave me crabs.

Well, uh, that must be uncomfortable.

Itched like a m*therf*cker.

So, how much? $300.

Why so cheap?

We like you. Are you in?

Yeah, I'll take it.

Get the cash. I'll call you with an address.

Deal will go down tomorrow afternoon.

What the f*ck is that?

Dap. It's what my sons taught me.

Is that the word... Dap?

Say dap again.

Dap.

That f*cking tickles me.

Yeah, me too, man.

Shut the f*ck up, marvin!

It's a m*therf*cking lady, n*gg*r.

Pleasure doing business with you.

Hey.

Why don't you take your shirt off and come ball with us?

It's tempting.

I wouldn't want marvin's girlfriend to get the wrong idea, though.

Damn!

Conrad ain't tapping that p*ssy, that's one dumb n*gg*r.

38 f*cking pounds of milf tomorrow afternoon.

Where you supposed to get that kind of money by tomorrow?

n*gg*r, we got g*ns. They ain't got no army.

What the f*ck he gonna do?

God!

I feel... So liberated.

Did dean freak out?

It was just... Sad.

Poor schmuck.

How did dana take it?

Hmm. She would have been devastated.

"Would have been"?

I was going to.

Yes. I remember the plan.

But I just... I just... I couldn't.

But, hey, you know, we could still see each other.

I mean, the sex is fantastic.

And look at the bright side.

One of us doesn't have to go sneaking around anymore.

Lucky you.

You didn't do it?

You're mad, aren't you? You didn't do it.

Ooh, you are mad.

Why the f*ck didn't you do it?

Because you're a f*cking spineless m*therf*cker, that's why.

Okay, you know, dean used to talk about the terrible things you'd say to him, the horrible way you treat him.

Dana won't f*ck me, but she's a sweetheart.

It's nice to live with sweet. You're not sweet.

I think this is a nonsmoking room.

I don't think you can smoke in any hotel room in the state of california.

Okay, now, that's exactly what I was talking about.

Yes? It's me.

Tomorrow, 3:00 at the grow house.

Just you and me and your friend, right?

You and me and the money.

No, I want you to bring your friend along, too.

Why?

It just wouldn't be any fun without him.

I'll see you tomorrow, sweetheart.

You need to get out of here before tomorrow.

Tomorrow... f*ck!

It's shane's graduation. I can't do this.

You gonna reschedule with u-turn?

Worst mother... Ever.

Go to your boy's graduation.

I will make the sh*t happen.

No. You need to get on a bus and go now.

You need to take that duffel bag and...

I'm staying.

Think about relocating yourself.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Oh, goodness. Stop being such a drama queen.

You know you're not going anywhere.

What about yesterday?

I didn't mean it.

So you didn't have an affair?

No, I did. We did.

But it's over. I'm over it.

Well, maybe I'm not.

Oh, stop it. You're totally overreacting.

You know that you're not going anywhere.

That's right. I'm not. You are.

No, I'm not.

Yeah, you are. Your bags are packed.

You are no longer welcome in my house.

I'm done. Dean.

Done... Finished.

Goodbye!

I'm not going anywhere!

Here's your car key.

I suggest you hire a lawyer.

I've been thinking it might be a good idea to live... Somewhere else for a while.

You know? Get a fresh start.

Flee?

Relocate, okay?

What does everyone think about that?

I'm up for it.

Andy, get rid of her.

I'm a part of this family.

Just because you're crazy and we're crazy does not mean we're related.

I'm gonna grow on you. You'll see.

Uh, wait in the van.

Isn't this about abumchuk?

Actually, no.

Who are we fleeing from, then?

It's not abumchuk.

About abumchuk... He's not really my boyfriend.

Please don't make me guess.

Don't worry. He's just this bounty hunter.

I did something illegal.

Can cat come with us? No.

So, why we got to blow town?

Your narc not cool with what you're doing anymore?

I'm just thinking we should explore the notion of perhaps living somewhere else.

Costa rica.

You are a drug dealer.

Yes, shane.

I grow and sell marijuana.

It's organic. It's therapeutic.

It's of the earth...

Like tomatoes.

Yeah, like tomatoes.

f*ck this.

You go in your room and lock the door one more time...

Not a good time to leave, big guy.

I've f*cking had it with him!

Am I still gonna have my graduation party tomorrow?

Yeah.

It might have to double as a going-away party.

What's she gonna do?

I'm as curious as you are.

Silas, unlock this door!

Grr!

dr*gs are wrong!