02x21 - Sammy's Visit

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪

[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle
ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

hey, did anybody see
the sports section?

Oh, daddy probably took it
with him this morning.

Took it where?
In the cab.
He's moonlighting again.

"Moonlighting."
Tsk.

That sounds so much more
romantic than saying,

"he's driving
Mr. munson's cab...

To pick up a few
extra bucks."

Gee, thanks for
the big hello.
Hi, daddy.

[ Edith ] Hello, Archie.
Hey, arch, where's
the sports section?

Oh, beautiful, beautiful.
Listen to that, huh?

I'm out hacking around
this town, doing two jobs,

the meathead sits here
on his butt,

says to me, "where's
the sports section?"

Get out of the chair!

And, Edith,

suppose there's any chance
of having a cup of coffee
over here, huh?

Oh, sure, Archie.
How was your day?

Oh, like lots
of days, Edith:

Lousy.

Except for one little
bright spot that made
the day...

What you might call
fascinating.

- "Fascinating"?
- What's the matter?
Don't you like that word?

Guess what famous
and important
personality...

I carried as a passenger
in my cab today?

- Oh, tell us!
- Oh, no, no. You ain't gonna
get it out of me that easy.

Come on. You gotta
guess for this one.

All right. Let's try.
I'll go first.

Living or dead?

I was driving a cab, Edith,
not a hearse.

Go back to
your solitaire, huh?

Give us a hint, daddy.
Is he in show business?

Bingo.
Give you another hint.

"Bongo, bongo, bongo."

Well, he's either desi arnaz
or, knowing you,

he's probably black.

Right.

Black as the ace of spades.

In fact, as far as I'm
concerned, this guy is
the ace of spades.

For goodness sakes.
Archie!

You just said "ace of spades"
and I turned up
the ace of spades.

You see that in the movies,
and you say,

"that wouldn't happen
in real life."

But here we are
in real life,
and it happened.

We're in real life
over here, Edith.
Would you care to join us?

Was it flip Wilson?
No, no, no.

Belafonte?

No, I said black, meathead.
Harvey Belafonte ain't black.

He's just a good-looking
white guy dipped in caramel.

I'll give youse
one more hint,
and that's all.

You ready?

♪ Hey, there ♪

♪ you with the star
in your eyes ♪

Rosemary clooney is black?

Daddy, you had
Sammy Davis Jr.
in your cab?

As sure as you're
sitting there.

Could you give us
just one more hint?

Could you just play cards
with yourself?

Arch, are you sure
it was Sammy Davis Jr.?

No, meathead.
It was some zulu jockey.

I know the man.
Besides, who would give me...

A five-buck tip
for a buck-and-a-quarter
haul, anyway?

And as fine a gentleman
as ever you'd want to meet.

Sat in the back of the cab,
talked to be about the weather,
all kinds of things,

just like a regular person.

Fact, if it weren't for
the rearview mirror there, I'd
have thought he was a white guy.

Arch! Why do you got to say
things like that for?

What do you mean, "why do I got
to say things like that for"?
What did I say, anyhow?

Would you listen to these two?
You can't say
nothin' around here.

They twist around
everything you say.

Oh, Edith. You know what?
I gave him our names
and address...

So he can send us
an autographed picture
of himself.

Sammy Davis Jr.?
Yeah.

Oh, that's wonderful!

Did you tell him
how much I like him?

Oh, sure, Edith.
That was the first thing
I said to him.

Oh, I said, "Sam,
you don't have to worry
none about your career...

'Cause Edith bunker
is right behind you."

I bet he was glad
to hear that.

[ Phone ringing ]

Hello.

Who is this?

Huh?

Uh, hold the phone, will you?
Hold the phone just a minute.

You know who I was just
talking about right here?

I was just talking about
Sammy Davis Jr., right?
He's on the telephone right now!

Daddy!
He's on the telephone?

He is! Shh!
Tell him I'm still
behind him.

Will you leave me alone?

Uh, hello, Mr. Davis.
I'm sorry there,

but I was just a little startled
about being called out of
the ordinary that way.

Yeah.
What can I do for you?

Oh, that fancy briefcase
was yours, huh?

Well, listen, I turned it in
at the cab office there.

Oh, geez, had all your important
contracts and everything
in there, huh?

Well, how could I help you
get it back?

Well, no, no, wait a minute.
You say you're going out
to the airport.

That's good, because I can
have the briefcase delivered
here from the cab office,

and my house is
kind of on the way,
off northern boulevard there.

You can stop by here
and pick it up.

You want to do that?
Huh? Hey!

No, it'll be an honor,
Mr. Davis. Certainly.

hauser street.

Yeah. Yes, sir, Mr. Davis.
Yes, sir, Mr. Davis.

Yeah. Good-bye.
He's coming over here.

[ All shouting ]

He's coming over here.
Put a lid on it!

He traced me from the address
I give him to send us
the picture.

You know where
he was calling us from?
No. Where?

A car. That's right.
He's in a limousine right now
with a phone in it.

Oh, I want to tell you,
some of these coloreds
are real classy.

When they've got it,
they spend it.

I've got to call
munson right now.
I got to go fix my face!

Arch, what do you mean,
"some of these coloreds
are classy"?

Why do you always have
to label black people
this or that?

Because when they deserve
a compliment once in a while,
I don't hold it back.

Now will you get
away from me?
[ Gibberish ]

This and that.
Dummy up.

Uh, munson,
Archie bunker here.

Hey, that fancy leather
suitcase I turned in--

yeah, well, I'm just
on the phone with the owner now,

and I've arranged that
he's gonna pick it up
here at the house,

so could you
bring it over?

No, no. We don't want to
do that, munson, because this
is a very, very important guy.

I mean, a biggie.
Yeah.

Oh, you'll find out
when you get here.

Bring it over, though, huh?
Good. Good. Great. Bye.

Okay, it's all set,
it's all set.
Now, Edith, please.

Don't go blabbing all over
the neighborhood that
Sammy Davis Jr.'s coming here.

The house is gonna be
a mob scene.
All right, Archie.

And don't say nothing
to Lionel about this.

If he finds out,
he'll jump on his tom-tom.

Before you know it,
we'll be up to our armpits
in jungle bunnies.

Arch, when Sammy Davis
gets here, you gonna
call him a jungle bunny?

Of course not, you dumbbell.
I'm gonna call him Mr. Davis.

Just a minute ago he was
the ace of spades.
Now he's Mr. Davis?

Because he worked himself up
to being called Mr. Davis,
and he deserves that,

because in this great country,
a man can overcome
the unequalness of his color...

And rise to become
a great star.

Arch, what do you mean,
"unequalness"?

What's the difference between
our neighbor Lionel Jefferson
and Sammy Davis Jr.?

Ten million dollars
and five purple Cadillacs.

Yeah. Bye-bye.

Wait a minute.
Who were you
just calling here?

Mabel Hefner.
She ain't never seen
a star up close.

Well, she ain't
gonna see one.
Not in this house.

You get on the blower
and tell her, "April fool."

I can't.
She ain't home.

Well, who was you
just talking to here?

Her husband, Barney Hefner.

Oh, Barney the bonehead.
Oh, he won't tell
nobody.

All right, Edith.
All right.
What's done is done.

But just do this
for me, huh? A favor.

When Sammy Davis Jr.
gets here, whatever else
you blab about,

don't say nothing
about his eye, huh?
What eye?

Edith, let me tell you.
See, one of them is glass.

You'll find out
when he gets here
which of them, see?

But don't talk about it,
all right? Huh?
Will you remember that?

Yeah.
All right. Now, you got any
fried chicken in the kitchen?

'Cause they like to
snack on that.

- [ Doorbell rings ]
- I'll get it.
I'll get the door.

He's here !
Get away from the door,
will ya? Get back there!

What's the matter with youse?
I'll answer it.

Hi, Mr. bunker.
Oh, hi, Lionel. Look.

We got a private
matter going on.
Could you come back later?

Yeah, Sammy Davis Jr.
is coming over.

The dingbat strikes again.

What's going on?
Lionel, Sammy Davis Jr. left
his briefcase in daddy's cab,

and he's coming by here
to pick it up!
He's coming here?

[ Doorbell rings ]
[ All talking at once ]

Get back, all of youse!
Get way back over there!

'Cause I'm the guy
that found him.

What's the matter with youse?
You'd think it was the second
coming. I'll open it up!

Just calm yourselves down.
He's an ordinary human being
like the rest of us, huh?

Shh!

Mr. bunker?

Sammy Davis!
Sammy Davis! There he is!

I told you he was coming!
There he is, right out
there on the stoop!

Come on in, Mr. Davis.
Oh, Mr. Davis,
it's an honor.

Oh! Oh!

Welcome to our house!
Thank you.

I'm so excited!
But then, you can't imagine,

'cause you never had
to meet yourself.

Mr. Davis, uh,
this is my wife, Edith,
laughing over there.

Ha-ha.
Shut up.

Mr. Davis, my daughter,
Gloria, standing over there.

Hello, Gloria.
How do you do?

And her husband,
Mike.
Hello, Mike.

No! No!

This here is, uh--

this is only Lionel.
He lives next door.

My daughter's married to
the white guy over here.

How are you?

It certainly is nice
to meet all of you
nice people,

but I think I'd better take
the old briefcase and run.

And incidentally,
Mr. bunker,

here's a little something
for your-- for your trouble.

Oh, geez.
Twenty dollars.
Oh, no, Mr. Davis.

Archie don't need
no reward...

For doing something
for you.

Edith, don't insult
the guest in your
own home, huh?

She don't know what
she's saying there,
Mr. Davis.

And, uh, listen.
I just put in a call.

The briefcase is coming
over. Be here any minute.
All right.

Well, in the meantime,
will you make yourself
at home, huh?

We get you some coffee?
Well, that's awfully
nice of you.

Sit right down here,
Mr. Davis.
Right in my chair.

Make yourself comfortable.
It's the best in the house.

Listen, Mr. Davis, I got to
tell my mother you're here.
She's crazy about you.

Lionel, don't go, huh?
Lionel!

Come on, youse two.
Get over here.

Edith, make
the coffee, huh?

And Edith--
excuse me, Mr. Davis.
Edith, Edith, Edith.

Remember, huh?
Nothing about mm-mmm!

Well, Mr. Davis,
I want to tell you,

it's a real honor
to have you in our home,

thank you.
Breaking bread with us
this way.

I was just saying
to my family
before you came in,

I said, "Sammy Davis Jr.
is maybe the greatest
credit to his race."

Well, thank you very much.
I'm sure you've done good
for yours too.

I try.

Here we are!
Ah, thank you,
Mrs. bunker.

Thanks, Edith.
That's all right.
I can serve Mr. Davis.

Edith, get out of here.

Now, Mr. Davis,
do you take cream and sugar
in your eye?

Mr. Davis,
it's really my fault.

You see, Archie thought
I was gonna say something
about your eye.

Edith, please.

Mr. Davis, could we maybe
offer you something
maybe a little stronger?

A little fleischmann's
and ginger, very smooth?

Oh, no, Mr. bunker. This is
fine. As a matter of fact,
I'm off the sauce.

Booze is a definite
no-no for me.

[ Giggling ]
I just love
the way you talk.

I mean, this must seem
so dull after Hollywood
and all.

Oh, I don't know
about that, Gloria.

There may be Wilder things
going on in new Rochelle
than in Hollywood.

What part of new Rochelle?

Edith!

We got cousins there.

They burn incense.

Who cares?
I hate them anyway!

Get me a beer, huh?

And Edith, a glass
this time, huh?

And open up a fresh box
of twinkies for Mr. Davis.

Twinkies?

Yeah, that's kind of
a wasp soul food.

Uh, don't, uh, listen to him.

He's kind of a meathead,
Mr. Davis.

Look, why don't you stop
calling me Mr. Davis
and just call me Sam?

Oh, hey, I'd like
to do that.
Okay.

"Sam."
Yeah, that's nice.

And you can call me Archie.
I mean, what the hell?

Sam, where you flying
out to tonight?
Las Vegas, maybe?

No, I have a tv special
to do in Hollywood.

Ohh. Gee,
that's beautiful.
Yeah.

Yeah. Well, while
you're hanging around,

will you give us
a little preview, one of
the songs you're gonna do?

Daddy-y!

Mr. Davis makes his living
entertaining. You're asking
him to go to work.

Yeah, arch. How would you
like to be a guest
in somebody's house,

and they said, "come on, arch.
Do some packing and lifting
for us."

Here's your beer, Archie.

And here's your twinkie,
Mr. Davis.

[ Mouths words ]
[ Doorbell rings ]

Oh, that's some pest
at the front door.
I'll get it.

[ Doorbell buzzing ]
There goes the back door.
Get that, Edith.

You see? They're crawling
out of the woodwork now!

Oh, look! Barney Hefner
with a camera!
Where is he?

Ha-ha! There he is!
Sammy Davis Jr.

Can I have an autograph,
Mr. Davis?
Aw, come on, Barney!

Hey, just one
quick picture, huh?

Now, Barney,
no pictures, huh?
No, no, it's all right.

Oh, yeah?
All right. Hold it.

Hello, Mr. Davis,
this is Mrs. haskell
and her daughter.

I'll take it from here.

Go, Clarissa.
Salute!

She's only been studying
for six months.

We don't want no
Fred mack amateur
hour around here!

If you give her a chance,
you'll love her!
I just know it!

Get out of here!
Mom!

[ Yells, indistinct ]

Wait! Mrs. haskell!
You forgot your floor!

Yeah. Hey, and now
I'd like to propose a toast.

Uh-huh. To the greatest
entertainer in the world.

And to the man who gave me
the opportunity of meeting
him face to face,

my good friend and neighbor,
Archie bunker.

Hey, that ain't a bad toast,
Barney. I can drink to
that one myself.

I'm Barney Hefner.
I live across the street--
the house with the new porch.

Oh, yeah.

And not only the greatest
entertainer in the world,

but a man who proved
there is good and bad
in all races.

[ Barney ]
Right.
I'll drink to that.

And to friendship.
[ Archie ]
You hear that, huh?

Isn't that nice?
"Friendship."
I'll drink to that myself.

What are you looking at,
Barney?

You're done now.
Get the hell out of here!
You're cranky today, Archie.

There he is!
It's really him!

Oh, and you're just
as cute as you look
on television.

God bless you.
Thank you.

I don't want to take up
any more of your time.
I just came to look at you.

Thank you.
And I'm looking
at you.

Look at you!

Now, I want to say this
right, Mr. Davis.

Shalom l'Chaim.

And l'Chaim shalom.

Oh, Mr. Davis!
My goodness!

Oh, Sammy Davis Jr.!

You know, Sammy,
them words I just heard
you saying here,

they reminded me of something
that I always wanted
to ask you.

Yes, arch?
Yeah, now,

you're being colored,
well, I know you had
no choice in that.

But whatever made you
turn Jew?

Smile, everybody.

Ah, come on, Barney?
What are you doing?
I thought you went home.

You're turning my house
into a peep show.

I'm sorry, Mr. Davis.
Sometimes my father
says the wrong things.

Yeah, I've noticed that.

But he's not a bad guy,
Mr. Davis. I mean, like,

he'd never burn a cross
on your lawn.

No, but if he saw one burning,
he's liable to toast
a marshmallow on it.

Ha-ha-ha-ha--
right on!

This is your fault,
Edith.

I had to throw
Barney Hefner out of here.
Oh, Sammy,

yes?
I was just remembering
the last time I seen you on tv.

It was on
the Johnny Carson show.
Oh, yeah.

You was on with that there,
uh, Raquel Walsh.

- Yeah. Remember, Edith?
- Oh, yeah. I remember.

Oh, you were so sweet
to her, Mr. Davis.
Oh, thank you.

Archie said he never thought
he'd see the day...

When coloreds and whites
would be hugging and kissing
coast to coast.

When I ask you a question,
why can't you just say
"yeah" and stop?

Now, will you sit
over there, huh?

And don't say nothin'
till you're asked.

Sammy, she takes everything
I say out of context, see,
'cause what I really meant was--

I know what you mean,
Archie, but you see,
it's not me.

See, they put
a kissing clause
in my contract.

Huh?
Well, you see, it's
those white celebrities.

Well, this year
we're in,

so they all want to
jump on the bandwagon.

You mean to tell me
the networks force you...

To kiss against your will?

Well, what are
you gonna do?

Well, that ain't right, Sam.
I mean, you know--

I mean, gee,
to force the races to intersex
that way on the air?

No prejudice intended,
but I always check with
the Bible on these here things.

Oh.
Yeah. I think that if God
had meant us...

To be together,
he'd have put us together.

But look what he done.
He put you over in Africa,

he put the rest of us
in all the white countries.

Well, you must have told him
where we were,

'cause somebody
came and got us.

I mean, uh,
there was work for us.

I mean, and, uh,
how could you resist?

Free transportation,
room, board, chains.

I think you're talking
about sl*very there, Sammy.

I want to tell you that
I was always dead set
against sl*very.

♪ Glory, glory, hallelujah ♪

♪ glory, glory
hallelujah ♪
what are you doing?

We're having a conversation
over-- pull the plug on that!

You see what goes on
around here, Sammy?

Every time I start to have
a serious conversation,
these kids go crazy.

Another thing they're always
doing to me, they're always
telling me I'm prejudiced.

Now, listen.
You're a guy that's
been around a lot.

You've seen a lot of people
and you know a lot, see?
Yeah?

Now, you look at me.
You figure me for
a prejudiced guy?

Oh, Archie,
you don't tell me...

You're really paying
attention to those
young kids.

What do they know.
I mean, you, prejudiced?

Look, if you
were prejudiced, Archie,
when I came into your house,

you would have called me
a co*n or a n*gg*r.

But you didn't say that.
I heard you clear as a bell.

Right straight out,
you said, "colored."

Yeah, that's what
I done, all right.

And if you were prejudiced,
you would, like some people,
close their eyes...

To what's going on
in this great country
that we live in.

But not you, Archie.
Your eyes are wide open.

You can tell the difference
between black and white.

And I have
a deep-rooted feeling that
you'll always be able...

To tell the difference
between black and white.

And if you were prejudiced,
you'd walk around thinking...

That you're better than
anybody else in the world.

But I can honestly say,
having spent these
marvelous moments with you,

you ain't better
than anybody.

Can I have your hand
on that, Sam?
Yes, sir.

And I hope youse all
heard that over there.

That comes straight
from Sammy Davis Jr.,
"Mr. wonderful" himself.

And that should prove
to you once and for all
that I ain't prejudiced.

♪ His truth goes marching on ♪

you see that?
You can't learn 'em nothing.
[ Doorbell rings ]

There's munson
with the briefcase now,
there, Sammy.

I'll let him right in.

Hi, arch.
Munson, we were waiting for you.
Where were you?

I'm sorry I took so long,
arch, but I bumped into
Barney Hefner with his camera,

so naturally, I had to
go back and get mine.
Oh, geez.

Mr. Davis, this is
an unexpected pleasure.

My pleasure.
Thank you very much.
Can I get a picture?

Come on, munson.
No pictures.
Oh, no.
This one is for me.

Mr. munson,
would you stand over there?
I want one picture taken....

With Archie bunker,
my friend, and me.
You and me?

Yes.
Now, on three, okay?
One, two, three.

Good-bye, Mrs. bunker.
Peace and love.
Bye, now.

Well--

what the hell.
He said it was in
his contract.

Archie, here's
an envelope for you...

From Hollywood
from Sammy Davis Jr.

Oh, hey, great!
Come on, arch!
Open it up!

All right. All right.
I'm opening it.

Can't youse curdle down
your excitement
a little bit here?

Let's see what
we got here. Oh!
Oh!

Hey. That's the picture
of Sammy Davis
you're looking at.

And look what he writes here.
No, meathead, you read it!

"To Archie bunker,
the whitest guy I know."

[ Announcer ] All in the family
was recorded on tape
before a live audience.