02x23 - Archie is Jealous

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪

[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle
ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

uh-huh, yeah.
All right. Bye.

Gloria, we'd better set
the table for dinner.
It's almost : .

It really makes a person wonder.
It really makes you wonder.
What?

Well, that was
Mrs. bellini on the phone.

You remember her -year-old
son Paul, the one that
lives in California?

Well, a person can't
even call his own home
his own home no more.

- Ma, what happened?
- He was just evicted
from his volkswagen bus.

You check the stew
and I'll get the salad.
Okay.

What are you reading?
Oh, I'm just reading
some old love letters...

That Michael sent me
before we were married.
That's nice.

Oh, I see you keep your love
letters in an old cigar box.

Dutch masters.

I keep my buttons
in white owl.

You get the silverware, Gloria.
Okay.

Hey, ma. Do you ever read
any of the love letters
daddy sent you?

- No.
- Why not?

He never sent me none.

Wait a minute,
I take that back.

Once when he was visiting
his cousin in Newark,
he sent me a postcard.

What did the card say, ma?

It said, "dear Edith,
how is the weather there?

It's raining here in Newark.
Yours truly, Archie bunker."

- I think that's awful.
- So do I. That's why
I like living here.

It don't rain so much.

No, ma.
I mean I think it's awful
you never got a love letter.

Oh, I didn't say
I never got a love letter.

When I first started
going with your father,

I was still going with a boy
named Freddy withausen.

I got one from him.

Did you like it, ma?
Oh, yeah.

He was quite a catch.
He had a real important job.

He worked
for the highway department
as a hot tar watcher.

A what watcher?
His job was
to watch them...

Pour the hot tar
on the street...

And make sure it was even before
the steam roller went over it.

He sure doesn't
sound like someone who'd
send a girl a love letter.

Oh, I don't know about that.

A man who watches hot tar
all day must dream a lot.

You know what, Gloria?

In his letter he called me
his goddess of beauty.
[ Chuckles ]

How come you married
daddy instead of him?

Well, I liked being called
a goddess of beauty.

But somehow
it seemed more permanent...

When your father
called me a dingbat.

Hey, ma. I bet you
still got Freddy's
love letter though, huh?

Oh, no. I burned it.
Oh, your father was
so jealous of him.

If he ever found that letter--

Edith, I'm home.

At least I think I'm home.
Maybe this ain't my home.

What do you mean, Archie?
No, no. Hold it.
I mean it's : P.M.

I just come through
the dining room there.
The table ain't set for supper.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Me and Gloria got to talking.

What do I look like,
one of them Broadway dudes...

Or high-society guys that
eat late, maybe : , : ?

I'm sorry, daddy.
It's my fault.
I'll set the table.

Here, let me take
your coat and hat.

I'll help Gloria set the table
if you'll stir the stew.

Aw, come on. What is this?
I come home from work--

what the hell is this here?

"My dearest darling--"

aw, geez, this is awful.

Hey, arch.
I brought some apple pie
home for dessert.

I'll just stick it
in the oven here and heat it up.
Hold it. Hold it.

You don't need
the oven for that there.

Why, what are you
talking about?

I'm talking about this.
I quote from the writings
of Michael stivic meathead.

"My dearest darling Gloria,
whenever I kiss your soft
sweet lips,

my mouth is inflamed by
the consuming fires of love."

You don't need the oven
for that. You can heat it
with your flaming mouth.

Where did you get that?
It don't make no difference
where I get this.

This proves to me that you took
advantage of my little girl.
Here. Read that.

Is that all?

Gloria and I spent
a weekend in Massachusetts.
What's the big deal?

The big deal is the date
on this here letter.

That's long before
youse two was married.

What's the difference?
We're married now, aren't we?
That's no excuse, meathead.

Give me that.
No way.
Hey, give me that back.

Hey. Whatever you're doing,
stop here. I want you
to take a look at this here.

You know what this means?
It means that your daughter here
before she was married--

well, I ain't gonna soil
your ears by even saying it.

Just read it yourself. Go ahead.
Daddy, you were reading
my letters. How could you?

It wasn't easy with all
the pornography in there.

Arch, that weekend
we just went to an outdoor
concert up there. That's all.

Besides,
it happened over two years ago.
What are you so shocked about?

Hold it.
I ain't the only one that's
shocked here and bereaved.

Look at the shock--
look in your
mother-in-law's face.

Oh.

Oh, this is so sweet.
"And now my dearest darling--"
don't read it.

I know what's in it.

Don't that bother you that
your daughter was involved
in a thing like that?

I always trusted Gloria.

So did I.
But I never trusted
the flaming polock here.

Hey! Hey!
Never call me that.
That's what you are!

Daddy, someday you're gonna
go too far with Michael.

Me going too far with him
ain't the problem here.

And look at you standing there,
the mother of her.

You look about
as worried as a dead bird.

Daddy, why should she worry now?
She wasn't worried about it
when it happened.

Because when it happened it--

oh.

She wasn't worried
when it happened, huh?

- Because she knew that it
happened at the time, right?
- Daddy, don't blame ma.

She didn't tell you about it
'cause she didn't
want you to worry.

Oh, she didn't want me to worry.
The two of youse was all
upset about me, huh?

Ain't that nice?

What the hell
kind of banana oil is that?

You don't tell me
nothing around here.
Everything is a secret.

Archie, I didn't
tell you about it because
you would've just get upset.

Yeah, and spoil
our whole weekend.

That kind of a weekend
ought to be spoiled.

Archie, it seemed
all right at the time
for her to go on the weekend.

All the kids was doing it.

That's my point, Edith.
All the kids was doing it.

And you still
stood still for that there?

Do you mean to tell me
the fact that two people
go away on a weekend...

Don't spell something fishy?

Oh, no.
That ain't always true, Archie.

That weekend I spent
with Freddy withausen
there was nothing fishy.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Weekend that you--

wait a minute.
Get out of here.

You spent the weekend
with Freddy withausen?

The hot tar watcher?

How did you know?
You wasn't even born then.

Nothing happened, Archie.

We just went up to a little
cabin his parents had
in the woods.

In the woods?

What did you do up there?
Nothing.

Oh, nothing.

Would you have went
up to a little cabin
in the woods with me?

I guess so.
What for?

'Cause you asked me.
Oh, 'cause I asked you.

And then Freddy asked you.
How many other people asked you?

How many little cabins
in the woods you got
in your past life?

Just that one.
Oh, just that one, huh?

There must have been something
special about that cabin
and Freddy withausen.

Oh, look at that.
He's jealous.

I don't believe it.
Something happened years ago
and you're jealous.

Clam up, you.
Get out of here.
You're jealous.

Whoa, boy. He's jealous.
I don't believe it.
Get into the kitchen there.

- You're jealous.
- Go eat an apple pie,
hot lips.

Are you jealous, Archie?

Cut that out.

You mean to tell me
that when I was overseas
in the service,

you was running around
with another guy?

Oh, no.
You was back home by then.

I was not.

I was over there waiting for
my discharge in staten island.

So that's what
was going on, huh?

Whoa.

What kills me is you never
told me nothing about it.

But, Archie, I never thought
you wanted to hear about it.

What was you doing that
I wouldn't wanna hear about?

Nothing.
If you wanna hear
about it, I'll tell you.

Don't tell me nothing.

Tell me everything.

Well, it was out
at lake quonkonkema.

Freddy's parents was there too,
sort of chaperones.
Yeah, yeah?

Oh, it was beautiful there,
Archie, the trees and all.

Once Freddy and I
went down to the lake
at : in the morning...

Just to watch the sun come up.

What were youse doing
before the sun come up?

Sleeping.
Sleeping?

Yeah.

What does that mean?

Well, it means that--
I don't wanna know.

Oh,

well.

If I ever see that
Freddy withausen again,
I'll feather him in his own tar.

I'm afraid you can't
do that, Archie.

What do you mean I can't?
Why not?

He died six years ago.

Lucky for him.

I remember when I read about
his funeral in the paper,

I sent him a nice
bouquet of flowers.

You sent him flowers?

I guess I forgot
to tell you about that.

Yeah, I guess you forgot
to tell me about that, Edith.

Sure, you did.

It's like the millions
of other little things
you always forget to tell me.

Well, that's the straw
that broke the camel's neck.

Archie, where are you going?

I'm going to kelcy's bar.
That's where I'm going.

Where else would I go, Edith?

And when I come back,
as long as I ain't a part...

Of your little secret
service around here,

I'll just, uh, eat
at the table over there,

sleep up in our bed.

Maybe watch the television
over here once in a while.
And outside of that,

you can just treat me
as if I was another
stranger under your roof.

Oh, ar--
no, no, no.
Stay there. Stay there.

And you can think
about this, Edith.

In all the years
you and me have been together,

you ain't never once
sent me no flowers.

Thanks, Tommy.

Wanna watch some tv, arch?
Oh, no.
Tommy, you know.

I don't wanna watch the tv.
I need someone to talk to me.

Geez, I've been listening
to people all day, arch.
I need a break.

Thanks a lot there, Tommy.
If I didn't wanna talk to
nobody, I could've stood home.

Oh, hi, arch.
Aw, geez.

I said I wanted to talk,
but I ain't this desperate.

Hey, uh, Tommy.
Let me have a beer
there, will you?

Sure.
[ g*nf*re, explosions on tv ]

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Tommy.

Will you turn
that tv off up there?

It's a good movie.
The japs are invading
wake island.

I know how it come out, Tommy.
They lost. Will you turn it off?

[ Tv shuts off ]
I'll say one thing
for them japs though.

They certainly know
how to treat their women.

Did you know in Japan a woman's
gotta walk feet behind
her husband all the time?

And they gotta wear carpet
slippers so the guys ain't
disturbed by the high heels.

We ought to have
something like that over here.

Uh, arch, you mind
if I tell you something?

Yeah. But that ain't
gonna stop you. I know.

Y-you sitting here
and sulking, that's not
gonna do you any good.

Why don't you come home
and talk things over with ma?

Because you can't talk to her.
You can't talk to women.

First place,
they don't tell you nothing
they don't want you to know.

They all do that.
They're all the same,
all of them.

Except of course
my blessed mother...

Who never spent
no weekend with no guy.

- Well, what if she did?
- I'm talking about my mother.
Ain't nothing sacred to you?

Arch, all Edith did was
spend an innocent weekend
in the country, that's all.

An innocent weekend? There
ain't no such thing, buddy.
Not the way I was brought up.

Let me tell you something.
In my day,

if a girl was seen
packing her suitcase
on a Friday afternoon,

she was a marked woman.

And I mean in
big red letters there,
"spoiled goods."

Don't you think it's silly
in our day and age to be
preaching old-fashioned virtue?

No. If we had a little
more of the old-fashioned
virtue around here,

we wouldn't have so many
new-fashioned babies running
around looking for their papas.

Arch, I didn't come here
to argue with you.

Why don't you just finish
your beer and come home?

And why don't you take
a long walk on a short pier?

Arch, this whole thing is crazy.
Twenty-five years ago, ma went
away on an innocent weekend.

And even if it wasn't
innocent, so what?

Shush.

Get over there.

What the hell's the matter with
you opening your big foghorn
mouth in front of Tommy there?

Listen, arch--
no, you listen to me.

A guy before he marries
has got a right to expect
the girl he marries to be pure.

But what about you arch?
Before you were married,
were you pure?

Hey, hey, hey.
None of your business.
Huh?

You couldn't have been, right?
You were in the army.
You were overseas.

That's different.

A guy's overseas
fighting for his country,
he's got some excuse.

What did you do,
get a note from your corporal?

Don't try to be funny,
will you, meathead?

We was fighting men over there.
We was all tensed up
from being in action.

There's a break in the action.
Some of the boys wanted
to go someplace.

I went along too.
I didn't know
where we was going.

First thing I know,
I was there.

You want me
to leave them thinking
I was some kind of a q*eer?

- All right.
So you weren't pure.
- That's another thing.

A man ain't supposed to--
I mean that's part
of being a man.

Oh, boy.
The old double standard, huh?

No, smart guy.
That's the Bible
if you wanna know.

The Bible says
a woman's gotta be pure.

It says so
on practically every page.

Well, shouldn't
the same thing go for men?

It don't say that about the men.

I mean the men
in the Bible, all them
old-time religious guys,

they always had
lots of women around.

Take your Abraham, David,
sodom and gomorrah.
All them guys.

Look, arch. All I know
is one thing. The way you're
thinking about ma is crazy.

I mean, after all,
you're the guy
she married, right?

That, uh, what's his name,
Freddy withausen?
He's dead and buried.

He was alive
up in that cabin.

That was years ago.

What difference does
that make how long ago it was?

I mean,
it makes a guy wonder.

After all, maybe I was
only second choice.

Maybe I ain't the real husband.
Maybe the real guy
didn't show up there...

And I won by--
what do you call-- default.

What are you talking about?
You know the way ma treats you,
waiting on you hand and foot.

You know
how she feels about you.

But she never
tells me nothing.

And when I come home from work
and I say, "what's new, Edith?"

I want her to tell me what's new
even if it is years old.

She's damn well gonna tell me
starting right now.

I'm gonna go home and
I'm gonna get the whole
story of that cabin.

And I'd better not find out
what I wanna find out.

Ma, it's : .
Why are you still cooking?

I'm keeping the stew
warm for your father.

He'll be hungry
when he comes home.
If he comes home.

Oh, he'll come home all right.

Your father ain't
never once missed
having his dinner at home.

Ma, you're really something.
After the way daddy
walked out on you--

Archie is right.
I shouldn't keep
secrets from him.

The only reason
I don't tell him something
is for his own good.

I want to protect him
from getting upset...

And yelling at me.

Ma, you know that weekend
you spent with Freddy withausen?
Yeah?

Well,
[ Clears throat ]

I don't know how
to put this, but, uh,

you and he didn't,
uh, you know.

Gloria.

You don't think
that Freddy and me--
well?

Oh, never.
It was during the w*r.

And Freddy really respected me.

You see, he was a -f,
and I was a red cross
bandage roller.

[ Door opens ]
[ Archie ]
Edith.

There. You see?
He's back.

Get in here
on the double, Edith.
You watch the stew.

Coming, Archie.

Oh, hello, Mike.
Gloria's in the kitchen.

Thanks for bringing him home.
Okay, ma.

Oh, hello, Archie.
I kept your dinner warm.

Never mind the dinner.

We're gonna have
a few words together
so sit down over there.

All right, Archie.

We've got some things
we're gonna have settled.

A lot of things. In fact,
the whole list of things
may keep us up all night.

Whatever you say, Archie.

Yeah.

The first thing
we gotta talk about
is all this business...

Of a secret service
going on around here...

And I don't
know nothing, see?

And the fact
that I'm the bread-winner
family here and the head.

Things are going on
here without my consent,
and that's gotta change.

If you say so.

Then we're gonna have to
have a few words about
that unmoral weekend...

You spent with that
tar watcher of yours.

But, Archie, I told you--
and--

let me finish.

You're gonna have to
ask me to forgive you.

All right.
Forgive me.

Then you admit it, huh?

There's nothing to admit.

Then what are you asking me
to forgive you for?

I don't know. You just
asked me to ask you to--

don't be twisting
all my words around, Edith.

All I want
is for you to say...

That on our honeymoon night,
that night was the first.

It was the night
after, remember?
You fell asleep.

[ Inaudible ]

Was I or was I not the first?

Of course, Archie.

All right then.

You actually come
to your senses.

- I forgive you.
- For what?

Don't get started on that again.
We got it settled and I don't
wanna hear no more about it.

Now you can go ahead
and serve me dinner.

Right away, Archie.

Gloria, dish up the stew.
And Mike, bring in the ketchup.

Archie, does this mean
you ain't mad at me no more?

Well, it means that
we got a few things
settled and, uh--

one of which is no more
secrets around here, right?
Right.

No more secrets.
I'll get your dinner right away.

Ketchup on stew?

- You'd eat ketchup on anything.
- Look who's talking.

I once seen you dunk
a hamburger in a cup of coffee.

How'd it go with ma?
Well, you can see
for yourself.

Everything's back
to normal around here.

It might interest you
to know that your mother-in-law
apologized to me.

You mean then
that weekend she did?

Didn't, didn't, didn't.

- Well, what did she
apologize for?
- For nothing.

You're right, arch.
Everything's back to normal.

Here we are.
Come and get it.

What do you mean,
come and get it? I'm here.
I ain't out in the field.

Oh, Mike, Gloria,
Archie and me had a long talk.

And I ain't never
gonna keep a secret
from your father again.

Well, the whole thing
was silly anyway.

I mean, making
such a big deal about
a weekend in the country.

Yeah, especially
when you had two
chaperones with you.

Yeah, that's right.
Freddy and me was never alone
except for one afternoon...

When his parents
had to go into the city
to get some supplies.

Hi, ma.
Shh.

Your father's asleep.
Did you two have a good time?

Yeah. It was a housewarming.
Frank clauson and Marion bloom
just got a new apartment.

They got an apartment together
and they ain't married?

Yeah. That's the way
they wanted it.
Oh, well,

I suppose if they're
your friends--

wait a minute.

Whatever you do, let's not
tell your father about this.

[ Announcer ]
All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.