02x18 - Righteous Brothers

[bunniefuu]

Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything... and the one son who had no choice... but to keep them all together.

It's Arrested Development.

MAN [NARRATING]: Michael Bluth was working at home when he noticed something unusual.

[RATTLING]

That can't be good.

Okay, I checked underneath, and there is a problem.

-You know this isn't a real house? -It's a model house.

Well, the drain pipes aren't hooked up. Just empty under the house.

-Plus, there's a lot ofblue paint down there. -And some pieces of denim?

-Yeah. -We've got a guy like that here.

Well, that's why your living room is sinking.

And I think the city's gonna have to red-tag it.

The city is sending out an inspector.

They're gonna be crawling over every inch of this place. You're going to need to leave.

Where the hell do you want me to go? Back to your mother's?

I believe there's a freeloading loser in my bed.

Buster just lost a hand. He's going through a lot.

I'm talking about Oscar.

Oh, yes. Your brother. I can see why that would bug you.

NARRATOR: In fact, Oscar had stayed with Lucille primarily to reconnect with Buster...

-whom he secretly believed to be his natural son. -Hey, Uncle.

I feel so responsible for that.

Oscar had gotten injured on a shoddy device George Sr. Had invented...

-when he forgot Buster was wearing a prosthetic hand. -Buster! The Cornballer!

-[BOTH SCREAMING] -[SIZZLING]

-It's my father's fault! -My fault?

I was trying to keep you from burning yourself, you idiot!

I mean, yes, yes. George Sr. Sure rushed this to market.

The only reason she likes him is he has hair.

And the only reason he has any is because he's never had any stress.

Yeah? Well, you could save me a lot of stress if you just turned yourself in.

No, never. I can't go back to the joint. No, I cannot go back there.

Hey, man!

Yeah!

-It's a hell-hole. -I finally got the court to try you in absentia.

Which means we're not supposed to have any idea where you are.

So you don't have to go to prison, but you can't stay here.

Remember that French movie we tried to sneak into once-Dangerous Cousins?

No, I-Why? Did we-

[STAMMERING] I don't remember that, no.

NARRATOR: George Michael remembered very well.

In fact, he currently had a copy of the DVD hidden in his sock drawer.

Kind of.

Why do you ask?

I got passes to the premiere of the American remake. Supposed to be great.

NARRATOR: It wasn't great, and Maeby knew it.

The studio at which she'd finagled a job had hoped to avoid controversy... by artlessly explaining that the two leads weren't biological cousins.

WOMAN ON FILM: Shut up and kiss me!

-Where is everybody? -They've been fired.

And you gotta fix this, or you're gonna be fired too.

-Cut it down if you have to. -But it's only 71 minutes long.

And it's only, like, 63 minutes long. So bring Ann.

No, that's not her kind of thing.

I mean, if it maintains any of the complex eroticism of the French original anyway.

I like the way they think.

NARRATOR: And later, at the office, Michael had another surprise.

This can't be good.

"Michael, it saddens me greatly to say to you...

"that I can no longer work at the Bluth Company.

You've been a great boss"- I'm sorry, Tobias. Do you work here?

Do I work-I developed an eating disorder being your assistant, Michael.

I never saw you at the desk.

Well, excuse me if I was too busy on my knees in front of the toilet, Michael.

"I have a tremendous opportunity...

"now that the Blue Man Group has dropped their cease-and-desist...

"and invited me to audition in Las Vegas.

Also, I've developed some issues with food"-

I'm sorry to interrupt one more time. Is this the real Blue Man Group this time?

NARRATOR: Tobias had recently been asked to address a group of depressed men... who had been described over the phone as blue.

I feel like a-[BLEEPS] idiot.

Fortunately, I found a wonderful circle of men to get me through that.

Oh, before I forget, your old secretary, Kitty Sanchez, called... and wanted to meet with you.

-I penciled her in for 4:00 today. -Why didn't you tell me?

Oh, this is my fault too?

Everything-No. No! I will not let this make me eat!

[SOBBING]

So get this. Tomorrow I gotta go on record and say I don't know where Dad is.

And now Kitty Sanchez wants to meet with me.

NARRATOR: And meetings with Kitty had never ended well.

-Say good-bye to these. -Spring break! Whoo!

-Perhaps this'll jog your memory. -CAL: Oh! They're crooked!

Plus, Dad will not leave the attic, which means he's gonna get caught... which means I'm gonna get caught for hiding him.

Well, why don't you get Gob to do your dirty work for you?

Shall I knock Dad out and chain him to a pipe somewhere?

Or should I risk another herpes outbreak with Kitty?

-Which is it this time? -Definitely not one of those two things.

But are you upset about something, Gob?

I made you a thank-you gift last week about which you haven't said word one.

Come on. You asked me for $5,000... so that you could invest in a Franklin CD.

Now, I assumed that you were talking about the mutual fund... and not a compact disc of you singing to your hand.

NARRATOR: Gob had recently made a recording of his ventriloquism act.

"Franklin Comes Alive." Take one.

He hoped it would break down racial barriers and maybe be a crossover hit.

It ain't easy bein' white It ain't easy bein' brown All this pressure to be bright I got childrens all over town Sometimes- Hey, where'd the guy go?

I tried to express something to you in a couple of those numbers... and maybe, just maybe, heal this country a little bit.

But you, you didn't even bother to listen to it.

I did listen to it. L-I-I am listening to it. Gob. Hey.

Maybe the reason I didn't say anything is 'cause I didn't want to embarrass you.

It's my favorite, favorite record.

Well, then you-you-[BLEEPS] up.

[SOBBING] Because I am so embarrassed.

It's a good CD. It's a really good CD.

-I can't believe that you love it. -I love it so much.

Oh, God. Oh, God, look at us.

Crying like a couple of girls.

Aw, you're the only one crying. But I love the music.

-And the card with your face on it? -And the healing.

Home run!

We'll do your dirty work for you, Mikey.

-You leave the rough stuff to Franklin and me. -Now I gotta listen to that CD.

-Hi, Dad. -Right.

You remember Franklin.

-Hey, Franklin. -My man!

-How 'bout some tongue? -Wha-Oh-

NARRATOR: But Franklin didn't want to kiss at all.

Gob had soaked the puppet's mouth in ether.

-And downstairs, Tobias shared his good news with Lindsay. -[WATER RUNNING]

"...once in a lifetime."

Tobias, I am not uprooting my life and moving to Vegas.

Maybe this is a sign that our relationship isn't working, and we should split again.

Wait a second. I thought we were split up, and this would bring us back together.

Well, maybe the fact that we don't know if we're together or not... is a sign that we should split again.

Or stay split up.

Okay, forget about Vegas. We'll stay here and get back together.

-Or stay together and either rekindle or fan this fire. -[HOUSE CREAKING]

NARRATOR: And soon, Gob was on his way to dump his father on the police station steps.

Do you forgive me?

And he decided to let himself off the hook using his ventriloquist skills.

[IMITATING GEORGE SR.] I cherish you, Gob. Come here and give me a kiss.

I'm driving, Dad. [AS GEORGE SR.] Now!

-NARRATOR: It was weird. -[KISS]

And that's when Gob noticed the CD and card that he'd made for Michael.

It's not even open. Michael!

Meanwhile, Michael's meeting with Kitty wasn't as distressing as he'd thought.

The program has changed my life. And I have a sponsor now. [WHISPERS] He's famous.

-That's great. -I can't tell you who he is.

But let's just say that he was on Night Court.

-Well, you look great. -I can tell you who it's not.

It's not Bull. It's not Harry Anderson.

-I got it. -He's white.

I know who it is.

What happens is, when I don't have a man in my life, I tend to go a little crazy.

-Mm-hmm. -But I'm keeping it together now.

And I wanted to tell you I'm not gonna try to hurt you guys anymore.

-Don't suppose I can get that in writing. -You did try to blow me up.

-Sorry about that. -Just don't piss me off again.

-[CACKLES] -[CHUCKLING]

You all right?

"Oftentimes the heart acts without consulting the head, and thusly"-

Oh, I see you wasted no time in filling my seat hole.

Oh, no, no. I just came by so that you could say good-bye to these.

-Oh, no, no, no, no. -It's the last time you're going to be seeing these.

How ironic. I just found out I'm staying.

-Will you take these back? -Okay, let's just all put our tops down.

Just put 'em on down.

You're not goin' to Vegas?

Sadly, my wife said no to my dream.

So I shall continue to toil through this waking life.

Wow, you are so real. Why can't I meet someone like you?

NARRATOR: And Michael decided that he better keep Kitty occupied with a man.

At least until after his meeting.

Hey, g*ng, I got an idea. Tobias, why don't you take Kitty out for the afternoon?

-[STAMMERING] -Huh?

Are you trying to set up your former assistant with your current assistant?

What a great idea for a Hugh Grant-Julia Roberts type movie.

I recently heard that the actor, John Larroquette, was looking for a meaty character piece.

NARRATOR: And so, free of obstacles...

Michael prepared to sign the affidavit... maintaining he had no idea where his father was.

You have not been in contact with him. Are you prepared to do that?

Officers!

Michael, these men are here- just a little bit early- because we have photographic evidence... which discredits the affidavit you just signed.

Are those balls? 'Cause the last time we were here, they were balls.

These are not balls. This was taken with a traffic camera.

It shows you in your car with your father within the last 24 hours.

I wish they were balls.

NARRATOR: Michael was in police custody... after a photo ofhim helping his father escape had turned up.

Did you see that picture? That's you, right?

Were you holdin' up a photo of me or somethin'?

Of course you don't recognize it.

-It's the card from the CD you didn't even open. -You found that, did you?

Right between the gearbox and the "pull back from aircraft" lever.

So this is how you repay me for how I repay you?

I actually did not get a chance to listen to it yet.

Probably should've told you, but I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

Oh, you're so sensitive.

Just like when you whipped up those tears talking about how much you loved it.

I will listen to it, I promise. But I'm in a lot of trouble here. Where is Dad?

I've got him stashed away somewhere safe now.

-Get him, quickly, otherwise I'm gonna be stuck in here. -Good!

-I hope you rot in here! -What-

And guess what else? Dad kissed me.

How? He looked pretty unconscious in that picture.

I didn't say he was totally into it.

NARRATOR: And George Michael tried to break up with Ann.

I can't go out tomorrow night, 'cause there's this movie premiere at-

It's kinda racy, but-

Oh, the cousin one? I can't believe it. I was just gonna ask you to go.

-You want to see that? -No, I want to get the whole church group together.

We're gonna picket those bastards.

NARRATOR: George Michael had only heard Ann swear once before... when hejoined some ofher youth group to protest the home of Marc Cherry... executive producer of the hit show Desperate Housewives.

-It's a satire! -There's nothing funny about fornication!

The bastard saw us!

NARRATOR: And the promise of another kiss was too enticing to turn down.

Well, yes. The bastards.

Oscar, meanwhile, checked in on Buster.

[GASPS] Buster! Buster! Be careful!

-It's not a real hand, remember? -I'm so forgetful.

-I hope you don't get that from me. -Get that from you?

Do you feel okay?

-[SIZZLING] -[SCREAMS] Just forget it!

I wanted to share my Pop Secret with you. Oh, but forget it!

Pop secret?

Pop se-Is Oscar my real father?

NARRATOR: Lucille, meanwhile, was on the phone with Michael.

They're keeping me overnight. Could you tell my son I'm on a business trip?

-Why can't the girl at work do it? -Tobias?

I sent him on a date with Kitty to keep her off our backs.

You better hope Lindsay doesn't find out. She'll be devastated.

-Find out what? -Your husband's dating Kitty the whore.

He is? That's-That's horrible.

Do I know my daughter?

She only wants what she can't have.

Since you're devastating people... tell Gob I'll be telling the cops it was him in the truck... so he'll be joining me here.

I've got a nice, hard cot with his name on it.

-You'd do that to your own brother? -I said "cot."

Where's Mother?

You lied to me. You said my father was my father, but my uncle is my father.

My father is my uncle!

NARRATOR: At that moment, the guards played a CD they'd recently confiscated.

GOB: Now I got a special thank you to the brother who made this happen.

Is that Franklin?

-Michael realized that he could never turn his brother in. -GOB: Michael!

Gob, meanwhile, was having a similar epiphany.

Barry, it's Gob. Tell Michael not to testify.

I'm bringing in Dad.

Franklin.

[BRITISH ACCENT] You've ruined the act, Gob.

NARRATOR: And Lucille confronted Oscar.

-You told him you were his father? -I did no such thing!

-You're high! -You're drunk!

Not this time. I've had enough of you.

So say good-bye to these, because it's the last time-

NARRATOR: And Ann in a protest at the theater.

George Michael? Are you protesting this?

-This isn't the line? -Yes, he is protesting this.

He even helped me make the signs.

Well, only mine and the one that says, "This is a tricky, gray area."

-What are you guys protesting? -It's a disgusting movie... about cousins who are into each other.

Are there any more seats?

Yeah. It's the best 52 minutes you'll spend all day.

ANN: Oh, no. We're making it worse.

Prepare to be swallowed into the depths of hell!

-I guess that means no kiss? -I'm not really in the mood for a kiss.

This isn't Marc Cherry's house.

-Where's your dad? -I don't know. I just got here.

Oh, that's right. Mother told me he went to jail.

-I'm so mad at her. -[CREAKING]

-Guess who I just found out my father is? -Jail?

Oscar! He didn't mean to tell me, but I figured it out.

-No, I mean, my dad is in jail? -I wouldn't worry about it. Barry's very good.

I'm going to take a long shower. I don't even want to smell like Mother anymore.

I don't think we're supposed to shower right now, Bus-

-Tobias back yet? -No.

Oh, my God. He's really out with her.

-Are you drunk? -Not enough.

I pushed him right into someone else's skanky, bony arms.

Well, let me tell you something, George Michael.

You have to grab love while you have it. Don't let it get away.

Oh, there you are.

Oh, Maeby, everything's fine. Your daddy's just out.

Yeah, we're doing great.

Mommy's gonna take a bath with a bottle of wine.

I don't know if we're supposed to use- So get this.

All the press actually made the premiere a hit. There's lines for the next show.

Thanks, buddy.

-Hey, look at that. We didn't get swallowed up into hell. -[CHUCKLES]

NARRATOR: And that's when George Michael finally got close to Maeby... who, by the way, might not be his biological cousin.

Just then, Gob came home to retrieve his father from where he'd stashed him.

-Dad's gonna be crushed. -You don't have to tell him!

But Gob was referring to his own father... who he had hidden under the house.

Uh-oh.

NARRATOR: Gob had hidden his father under a house that had just collapsed.

Children, you're small. Crawl under there.

-We don't want to go under there. -He's not under there.

He got away. Thank God.

But then Gob remembered that this meant Michael would have to go to prison.

We- I-

And Michael and Barry made their way to the arraignment.

Gob is bringing your father. Everything is going to work out fine.

I wish they'd hurry up. But I gotta tell you, I am a little torn.

My father, he has created a lot of problems for the family... and by staying in the attic he was insuring I would go to jail with him, but-

Well, maybe I'm not so torn.

-Michael. Barry. -Hey, Gob.

-Where's Dad? -Great news. Dad wasn't crushed to death.

-Was there risk of that? -Yes.

Well, I handcuffed him under the house.

But he got free-the pipes I chained him to weren't connected to anything.

-Oh, I'm not prepared for this case. -Are you insane?

-No "thank you" for trying? -I'm sick of you needing constant validation for screwing up.

Let me tell you what's gonna happen. I'm gonna tell them it was you in the stair car.

Well, let me tell you what's gonna happen.

First, I'm gonna b*at the crap out of you, then I'm gonna call an ambulance.

Then knowing you, I'm gonna have to wait for some kind of an apology.

-[GRUNTS] -Come here!

NARRATOR: As the boys set to once again fighting in front of the courthouse-

-Stop it! Stop it! -the family began to show up for the arraignment.

I know you're in the middle of something, but I'm afraid I can't work for you today.

I'm going to Vegas with Kitty.

NARRATOR: But Lindsay wasn't about to lose her man without a fight.

Over my dead body!

TOBIAS: Oh, my-

Hey! Hey! I said-I said enough!

Now, stop it.

I am so tired of this family fighting. The anger ends now.

You're brothers, and brothers stick together no matter what.

Families stick together.

I have torn this family apart with my lies and my cowardice... but that comes to an end now.

So I'm turning myself in.

I don't want you to come and visit me in prison this time.

'Cause you deserve Oscar now.

Tobias, I actually fought for you.

I can't believe it. [CHUCKLES]

-I'm going to Vegas with Kitty. -Huh?

Oh, George, I've lost you again.

Take back Oscar, Mother.

I think I lost him too.

NARRATOR: In fact, Oscar was on his way out of town... when he was approached by George Sr... who had just escaped from under the house.

I want you to turn me in so you can get the reward, take care of the family.

Why would you do that for me?

Because we're brothers.

Later, while George Sr. Was shaving his unconscious brother's head... he wondered whether there really was a reward, and if he could get it.

But there was no time, and getting even with his brother was reward enough.

So it was Oscar who was going to be spending a little time alone in prison.

I guess Dad finally came through for us. He actually made a sacrifice.

Although who knows what he's up to.

We should just stay away from him, let him have a little time alone in prison.

He is right about one thing, though. We're brothers. We shouldn't be fighting.

-We cannot afford to lose each other. -I can't.

-I already lost a brother today. -Franklin?

Well, I didn't lose him. But he's all puckered and white.

On the plus side, you can take him to lunch at the club now.

That's the kind of joke he would have loved.

Oh, man!

[SIGHS]

Please don't do this.

All right.

[GRUNTING]

NARRATOR: On the next season of Arrested Development.

I b*rned them on a Cornballer.

Oscar, robbed of his fingerprints, has difficulty proving his identity...

My hair's gonna grow back. You'll see.

Tobias and Kitty go to Vegas...

-only to find that his dream job has been filled. -You found someone already?

Just came out of nowhere, this guy.

And the great thing is, he's never out of character.

And George Sr. Turns out to be right about the effects of stress.

What's happening to me? Why won't it grow back?