03x07 - He Taught Me How to Drive By

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "weeds"...

That was a real nice brick dance.

I left you a package in the garage. Heroin?

We need these votes.

I'm thinking a golf membership.

I don't play golf.

What is it you do play, celia?

I play house.

Sullivan: we're sh**ting a movie in one of our empty houses.

Needs a caterer. You'll thank me later.

Can you convince mom that I'm stuck in a classroom full of religious zealots two klicks away from jihad?

I like you, nancy botwin.

I bet you look good rolling right out of bed in the morning.

You f*cking him the whole time you were married to me?

It's just business between us, always has been.

Agent fundis, dea.

I'm here to talk about peter scottson.

He hasn't come into work for a few days, and we haven't heard from him.

Clinique here gon' take you and f*ck the gay out of you.

I can see your boner.

Don't be embarrassed.

That's what god's love is all about.

I've been sh*t! Man, you think it was the mexicans?

Cucaracha m*therf*ckers.

Now, where's our crop?

You get your f*ckin' crops, and then we're done with your ass.

It's over when I say it's over.

U-turn? U-turn, oh, my god.

Call for help!

I've been waiting a long time for this, m*therf*cker.

U-turn's dead! He's dead!

Why exactly is he in a hot tub?

The boat didn't fit.

Oh, of course not, yeah.

Look at his grand-mama crying over there in her designer dress.

He sure was good to her.

She gonna miss that gravy train.

Someone should go over there and poke him.

See if he flinch or something, just to be sure.

He looks pretty dead to me.

'Sup, two strikes?

Hey, clinique, how you doing, baby?

Oh, I'm f*ckin' pregnant again.

Some indian kid I mercy-f*cked for u-turn.

Oh, sorry.

Y'all know each other?

No, hi.

Two strikes, is it? Nancy. Hello.

I ain't giving this one up.

Damn.

I remember when he was just a wannabe, when we busted our carjacking cherries together.

He taught me how to drive-by.

Respect.

Thank you.

Don't think of this as a loss of identity.

Think of this as an upgrade to a better way of life...

Better services, better schools, better tax base.

Agrestic and majestic are never gonna merge.

I told them about your deal with celia.

Where are our houses?

I was more than generous with all of you.

Let's get an idea of how the vote's gonna go.

I got to get home for "are you smarter than a 5th grader?"

All in favor of a town merger with majestic, say, "aye."

Aye.

All those against.

Nay. Nay. Nay. Nay.

Oh, the nays have it. Up your ass, groff.

Friends, this is a colossal mistake.

Think of the people you represent.

The votes aren't there. Nothing more to say.

Find yourself another town to swallow.

Celia can help you. She's good at that.

All right, not so fast, 4th grader.

There is a way to bypass a city council on this issue.

If it's put to a referendum, the town can decide.

Referendum.

Hell of an idea, councilwoman hodes.

Whore.

Whore. Whore.

Whore.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Oops.

You did that on purpose.

Hey, guys, come on. What's wrong with you people?

Whore. Miss hodes knows that this is good for agrestic.

Whatever. Let's get out of here.

I want to thank you for that.

Hey, that's what friends do.

I don't want to be your friend.

Come home with me.

What about lunch tomorrow?

I'm not hungry for food.

Well, maybe by then you will be.

So, what does this mean for our debt?

Are we off the hook?

Depends on who makes new leader.

Well, how does that work?

Is there an election? What, you ain't get the ballot?

There's marvin. Maybe he can shed some light.

Hey, marvin.

How you doing?

Okay.

I know this must be really hard for you, losing your friend, your cuz, which could mean your cousin or not...

I'm a little unclear...

But also your leader.

My dad and his moms were second cousins.

Well, there you go.

So, I just also wanted to say that it's been great getting to know you, and maybe one day...

Wait.

You think 'cause u-turn dead, you off the hook?

No?

Who's in charge now?

Me.

I'm the n*gga in charge over here.

You owe me now.

You got a problem with that?

No, no, no.

It's just, um, it's a big job you're taking on, marvin.

I'm a big boy.

How's your ass doing?

How'd you know about that?

Nancy?

I didn't say anything. I swear.

U-turn... He said something about it the other day when he paid me a visit.

He said the mexicans popped you?

You gonna take that sh*t on?

I ain't afraid of those taco bells.

But I am gonna settle things right.

Settle?

Call a meeting, figure something out before we all k*ll each other.

You goin' face-to-face?

They gonna g*n your big ass down for real this time.

Not with her there, they won't.

No one wants a dead white lady on their hands.

Oh, I'm not sure I'm comfortable going to a g*ng summit.

You ain't got no f*cking choice. We goin' tomorrow.

I thought you were going to summer camp.

Too expensive with the divorce.

Everything's a mess.

So, what's the deal here?

Watch.

This is a case of betrayal.

Judas did it.

This is the strange case of the mad scientist.

Big bang's a lie, and dinosaurs lived on earth the same time as man.

Shane botwin! What?

If you're gonna shove your doctrine down our throats, at least be clever about it.

I thought I was, but I guess you're just too smart for me.

Perhaps you should take over, present something to the class that is mysterious to you.

Okay.

Okay! Stand up.

I'd like to solve the mystery of the school that receives federal funding yet promotes a religious curriculum in direct violation of church-state separation mandates.

Sit down, shane botwin.

Yes, sir.

Jesus christ.

Exactly.

How you doing?

You know, living the dream.

You?

How did you know marvin got sh*t?

U-turn never said anything about it that day.

You really think you deserve to know the answer to that?

I think that's what you wanted to talk to me about.

Maybe I want to talk to you about how you kiss.

Maybe that's a discussion for another time.

Look, the mexicans are real pissed at marvin for his part in the drive-by.

U-turn's really pissed they sh*t marvin in the ass.

Maybe they didn't sh**t him in the ass.

Maybe someone else did it to make it look like the mexicans did it.

Maybe someone did it to start a g*ng w*r and let all them m*therf*ckers k*ll each other so that we could all be free.

Don't go to this meeting.

Now he's concerned.

What the hell was I supposed to do?

Something.

Maybe I was doing it.

Yeah.

Sorry I knocked over your plant.

Wasn't my plant.

Shane: I'm telling you, mom, I'm at a very impressionable age.

And if you're not careful, this pedagogy will take root, and you'll end up with a right-wing narc on your hands.

Hang tough. Stick to your beliefs.

Show a little character. I know you have it in you.

They're fundamentalists.

You're not getting out of summer school!

I don't have anywhere else to put you.

You're not sitting at home all day playing with my video games.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Morning.

Mom, this is tara.

Little early for a visitor, isn't it?

She slept over.

Silas...

Mom...

...not after megan and quinn.

I'm not going through this again.

You're not gonna make me that mom.

Tara, it's lovely to meet you.

You seem like a nice girl.

But my son isn't allowed to have sleepovers, and he knows this.

Oh, we're not having sex, mrs. Botwin.

I'm a virgin.

Oh, really?

I honor god with my abstinence...

Until the day I join my husband in marriage.

You don't say.

They're everywhere.

It's true. We're abstaining.

Well, good for you.

I have a question.

Do you really think evolution is a lie?

Well, I believe that I'm descended from adam and eve and not a monkey.

So, natural selection, darwinism, empirical data...

None of that factors in for you?

Evolution is just a theory.

I mean, that's why they call it the theory of evolution and not the fact of evolution.

Oh, what about...

Hey! You've asked your question. Now shut the f*ck up.

Silas, don't swear at your brother.

Shane, don't antagonize tara.

Tara, keep saving it for the lord.

Where the f*ck's andy?

Paul: okay, everybody, that's lunch!

Lexington steele?

Oh, pleasure to meet you, sir! Andy botwin, huge fan!

Not huge the way you're huge... Admiration huge.

Thanks, bud.

Hey, I took you in the ass. Huh?

Your dildo, the one they had molded from your d*ck.

I was with a girl, israeli. She strapped it on.

To be truthful, for me, too big...

The dildo, not the girl.

Gave me a little oose-lay oopy-pay, know what I mean?

Look, what's good on the menu?

Oh, what isn't good?

I present you a mediterranean feast...

Hummus, baba ghanoush, couscous...

Got any beef?

Oh, yeah, kebabs right there.

So, does beef keep you hard?

I just like beef.

Hey.

Oh, ladies, back away.

One stray pube in the tabbouleh, the health department could shut down the whole buffet.

Wait, look at you shaven mavens. I take it all back.

Go ahead, step right up.

You're funny.

And cute... For a cook.

What's up?

Come on in. Close the door.

Fine, but we're keeping the shades open.

Listen, I just had a development get shut down in phoenix because of some paperwork issues, and I need for that not to happen here.

Be a doll and legalize my construction crew for me this afternoon.

Look, I know this is not the most kosher thing in the world to do, so if you can't do it, I'll just fire you and hire someone who will.

Uh, you have no idea how unkosher I can be.

Now I'm intrigued. Tell me more.

Can I do this tomorrow?

I have an appointment this afternoon.

An appointment? It's a woman thing.

Oh, well, it always is with you women.

Okay, tomorrow.

I got lunch.

I figured we'd eat at one of those tables in the courtyard and...

Oh.

Nancy, I only have two sandwiches.

I'm sorry.

No problem, celia.

You know, sullivan, the fastest way to get those referendum signatures may be to have nancy gather them.

She has scads of sales experience.

That's a great idea, celia.

Yeah, you've got yourself a good little worker here.

I'll be back later.

Dude, if you are f*cking with us, that is so not cool.

Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! They're rolling.

These are my dishwashers.

Over here.

Be cool.

This is the greatest thing I've ever seen.

Doug: why is the black guy wearing a pirate's hat?

It's called "peckers of the caribbean."

He's captain jack. Get it?

Not really. Shouldn't they be on a ship?

There's an anchor.

Ew!

Lexington: ooh, pardon me.

Come on, still rolling here. Come on, keep going.

Still rolling. We're still rolling.

Woman: oh, god!

Actually, I need five minutes.

Oh! Ew!

Better make it 10.

Paul: cut! Cut!

Hey.

How you doing?

Sore.

Hi, I'm, uh, I'm... I'm dean.

Are you staring at my tits?

Paul, get this f*cking creep out of here.

I didn't do anything. f*cking pervert.

Escort mr. Tits here off the property.

I didn't do anything.

Dean: I didn't do any... I didn't do anything!

Paul, I got to go home. His food gave me the shits.

Well, I guess we're even.

God damn it! My lead's gone.

This is not good... Not good!

Let's do all girls.

Honey, it's called "peckers of the caribbean."

How are we gonna do a movie about peckers without peckers?

I'll do it.

I, uh, recently measured myself, and I'm quite large...

Not lex large, but respectable, and I'm practically a peg leg.

f*ck you. Okay, fair enough.

Jenny, this one goes, too.

And you, listen to me.

From now on, it's chicken and f*cking rice.

If I see anything ethnic on this table, you are fired.

The only thing I want coming out of my actors' asses is a hard d*ck, got it?

Say you love jesus. Say it.

If I say I love another man, doesn't that make me gay?

Do you want to be damned for all eternity?

No, I just want you to go to hell.

We're trying to save you.

Amelia: you guys, stop.

"Blessed are the peacemakers." Matthew 5:9.

Shane, don't you want to be saved?

By you?

Well, only you can decide to take jesus into your heart, but I can help.

We can talk about him, study his word.

Why don't we try it at lunch today, see how it goes?

Okay.

Great.

What happened to you?

Amelia's going to save me.

Amelia.

I'm not sure this is such a good idea.

You second-guessing me, bitch?

No, not at all. Respect.

I'm just... Maybe you shouldn't mention them having sh*t you or the drive-by.

You know how gangsters can be and their egos and their g*ns and shivs.

Look, they ain't gonna sh**t you in public, so just shut the f*ck up.

Hey, it's the brick dance lady.

Yo.

Give me back our f*cking chiva.

Man, I don't got your chiva.

I'm just here to tell you that if you let me have the weed trade, you can take everything else... All the hard sh*t's yours.

I ain't a greedy hard ass like u-turn.

Whoa!

Where's our f*cking chiva, pendejo?

Yo, man, I ain't got it.

Son of a bitch.

Maybe we k*ll you anyway, turn you on a spit.

We can feed a whole f*ckin' country.

Uh, what's... What's chiva?

Tigre, goma, brea.

No, no, no. No comprende.

Heroin, chelita.

Ah. Oh.

Now I think I know what he's talking about.

Maybe.

You got my chapopote?

Aw, jeez, you have so many names for it.

Yeah, it's kind of like eskimos and snow, right?

You better talk quick before I pop gordito here, querida.

Um... If I knew where it was... Your... Stuff -

And you got it back, would you leave us alone?

Oh, piece-of-sh*t bastard.

Would you please take the g*n out of his mouth?

That m*therf*cker trusted you and not me?

Okay, enough, marvin. He didn't appreciate you.

Now, listen...

I want you to wipe out my debt, all of it, along with heylia's and conrad's...

Gone, finished, over.

Bullshit. You mine, bitch. You all mine.

Guillermo, marvin doesn't want me to give you your chiva back.

I want to, but I'm his bitch, so I can't.

Aaah!

Yo, fat albert...

You gonna give my brick-dancer what she wants?

Or maybe you want to hang out with u-turn again.

I'm sure that he's lonely en el infierno.

Okay. Okay.

On your mother's life?

I swear. You off the hook.

And I'm growing impatient.

Okay, one sec, one sec, one sec, one sec.

Hold on.

Okay.

Tomorrow morning, go to this address, follow these instructions, you'll get your trunk.

Okay?

Hey, both of you...

These streets belongs to méxico now.

You out of the drug business, amigos.

Not even mota.

Oh, that's "weed" in english.

I don't ever want to see or hear about you dealing anywhere in my city...

Nada. Nothing.

Adiós.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey, amelia, I missed you at lunch today.

What happened?

I apologize, shane. I haven't forgotten about you.

The lord has sent me someone who's in greater need of prayer and counsel.

Yeah? But i-i'm a blasphemous, liberal jew.

What could be worse than that?

Isabel thinks she's a h*m*, but she's just lost her way.

I've got to help her.

Nancy: hola.

¿Cómo está? Bien, gracias.

Um... Hola.

Su nombre es, uh, martin shackelman.

Hola, señor shackelman.

Mi nombre es estefan fenelón.

No, estefan. You are now harold strauss.

Sí, señor, sí.

Okay.

Um...

Sign with your new name, por favor.

Sign this petition for an agrestic/majestic merge.

Sí. It's a beautiful thing.

Gracias. Por favor.

Got to learn spanish.

Your referendum, nonkosher.

I don't believe it.

You couldn't have had time to get them all.

I'm very resourceful.

There's a towel in the bathroom if you need to get out of your wet clothes.

I don't need a towel.

You're gonna help me celebrate.

What are we celebrating?

My freedom.

Are you quitting?

No.

At least not yet.

We're gonna see how this goes first.

Any chance you speak spanish?

Huh?

Never mind.

Oh, I have to warn you.

My last two relationships... Both guys ended up dead.