03x13 - Edith's Winning Ticket

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
The Hit Parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Here you are, Archie.

What is this
I'm drinking here?

Oh, that's a new brand
of coffee I bought.

It's percent
caffeine free.

Caffeine free?

If it ain't got caffeine in it,
it ain't coffee.

How much did you pay
for this slop?

$ . .

You paid $ . for no caffeine?

I can pay the same $ .
and get caffeine.

But caffeine ain't good for you.

It don't let you sleep.

It's : in the morning.

I don't want to sleep.

That's why I drink caffeine.

I want to stay up.

But Archie, I saved
a lot of money on this coffee.

A dollar off with the coupon.

That's good.

Then you won't lose so much
when you throw it out.

Is there any
more coffee, Ma?

Oh, lots. Your father
don't like it.

No? I think it's good.

Do me a favor, Edith.

No more of these
crummy bargains, huh?

But what'll I do with
all these coupons I got?

See?

"It's fall again,

"and inside
is your windfall

from Clara Goodbuys."

I wonder if she got her job
because of her name.

Not the "Clara" part,
the "Goodbuys" part...

Like in "good buys."

Who cares?

Good morning.

Oh, morning, Mike.

It's funny the way

some people's name just suits
the business they're in.

Like God's name
is just perfect for God.

Well, you see, Ma,

that's because
you're brought up

hearing that name.

You're used
to that word.

Ah, you don't know
what you're talking about.

Oh, really?

If you were taught
that God's name was,

uh, let's say, "Chair,"

you'd be calling him "Chair."

Get out of here.

You can't get people
into a church

to worship a chair.

People go to church
to worship God.

That's why they call him "God."

It depends on what word
you're brought up on, Daddy.

See, uh, the Chinese people

think the perfect name
for God is "Buddha."

You know, she's getting to sound

more and more like you
every day, Meathead.

Thanks for the compliment,
Daddy.

[MOCKING VOICE]
"Thanks for the
compliment, Daddy."

Let me ask you
something, professor,

which I'm putting
through school.

Can you think of a better name
for God than "God"?

And don't give me no "Buddha."

Well, how about "Jehovah"
from the Old Testament?

No good.

Why not?

Because he wasn't
no real god.

Them old Bible Hebes
just called him Jehovah

because that was their
word for the boss.

Well, what are you looking at?

You know, it's amazing

how someone
can be so consistently wrong.

I don't believe
the things you say.

Because you're an atheist.

You don't believe nothing
about religion.

I wonder what they say
when they sneeze.

Who's that, Edith?

The Chinese.

I mean, do they say,

"God bless you"
or "Buddha bless you"?

If you really want to know,

the Chinks just sneeze
and say nothing.

They can't speak English.

Oh.

Why couldn't they say,
"Buddha bless you" in Chinese?

Because they don't say that,
that's why.

They say, uh...

Well, if they say anything
at all, it's "Sayonara."

That's Japanese.

Same thing.

It's not the same thing.

What are you talking about?

You put a Jap
and a Chink together,

you're going to tell me
which is which?

That's right,
because I'd find out about them.

I'd talk to them as individuals.

Sure, you'd talk to them.

You'd say, "Which one
of you guys is the Chink?"

I don't believe it!
He's making me crazy!

Ignore it, Michael,
ignore him.

Shouldn't we be
getting ready, anyway?

I mean, we're going
to the museum.

Oh, ho, ho.
Listen to this.

Now, will you tell
me something, Edith?

Why would any normal person
want to go to the museum

on his day off?

For this, Arch.

Something you know
absolutely nothing about.

Culture.

Oh, look at this.

No wonder he's getting himself
all excited.

It's one of his own here.

A Polack art exhibit.

That's "Pollock."

Jackson Pollock.

He happens to be
a great American artist.

Well, he sure paints Polish.

Jeez.

Look at this--

splashes and smears
of paint

over everything here.

What do you mean?

A monkey
could do that.

A great American artist?

There ain't a tree
or a flag or a president

in the whole damn book.

I'd explain it to you, Arch,

but first you'd have to move
your brain ahead two centuries.

Why don't you take a short walk
on a long pier?

You can't even
get that right!

It's "Why don't you
take a long walk

on a short pier?"

Then do that.

Just forget it.

Come on, Gloria.
let's go.

Okay.

Oh, Gloria! Mike!

Would you mind
mailing this letter

when you go downtown?

I've been meaning
to mail it for a week.

Sure, Ma.

It's a funny thing
about mailing a letter.

When you remember to mail it,
you ain't near a mailbox,

and when you're near a mailbox,
you don't remember.

Yeah.

I never thought of that.

But then, why should I?

ARCHIE: Edith. Edith.

Edith, I am in t*rture here
with these shoes.

Where are youse going?

We're going
to the museum.

Well, just wait
a minute.

Youse got an errand
to do for me.

What?

Ooh! Edith, these fancy
new no-lace shoes here,

they're k*lling me.

You were with me
when I buy these.

Why'd you let me buy 'em?
Well, they looked fine.

Well, they ain't fine.

Well, they look fine
from the outside.

The outside ain't where
they're hurting me, Edith!

Now, youse two,
just wait a second here.

You're gonna to have
to take these shoes,

you're gonna have to
get them stretched for me.

All right.
Let's have them.

But, Archie,
what are you going to wear?

Your other shoes
are being half-soled.

Well, I'll have to wear
my good shoes, that's all.

Your Thom McAns?

What do you want me to do?
Walk around barefoot,

like them weirdo friends

that your daughter
used to have hanging around?

My friends are
not weirdos,

and it doesn't make
a person a weirdo

just because
he walks barefoot.

Ah, God made feet
to be wearing shoes.

Going barefoot ain't civilized.

What are you saying?
That wearing shoes

is the only thing that makes
a person civilized?

That's right, buddy,
shoes and pants.

All them old missionaries,
that's what they done

the first thing
with the natives,

put shoes on them
and pants on them

and turn them into Christians.

I don't think Jesus wore shoes.

Certainly.

He wore shoes all the time,
except for that one time

he went walking
on the water there.

All right, now,
on your way to the museum,

take these shoes
to the store.

All right.

Now, where you running away?

You ain't got the sales slip,
right?

Get them
the sales slip, Edith.

Oh, yeah.

I put it in my purse
somewhere.

You. You argue with me
about religion.

You don't even know how
to take a pair of shoes back.

Yeah, I think
it's in here somewhere.

Oh, here we go.
The mystery grab bag here.

Look at all this stuff
you got in the bag.

What are you doing?

A whole crowd
of paper clips here.

Look at this.

A gum wrapper, no gum in it.

Come on, Edith.

Why do you carry
this junk with you?

Here it is.
I found it.

Hey, Ma,

where'd you get
these lottery tickets?

Oh, I forgot
all about them.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

You got lottery tickets there?
Let me see them there.

Edith, lottery tickets,

four tickets, cents each.

That's bucks.

Hey, you did that all
without a pencil and paper.

Button your face there.

Daddy, there's no harm

in a little bet
every now and then.

No, and you win
big money prizes.

Remember?
Mrs. Balini did.

No. What the hell
did she ever win?

Oh, she won
two church raffles.

$ and a chair cushion.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

The famous chair cushion
that nobody could sit on

because it had

an embroidered picture
of the Pope on it.

Is that why?

I always thought it was
because it was Anthony Quinn.

Use your common sense, will you?

It ain't "blastemious"
to sit on Anthony Quinn's face.

Still, it ain't nice.

Ma, did you know

that these tickets
are months old?

Yeah, I forgot
I had them.

Ma, did you ever check
to see if they won anything?

No, I just put them
in my pocketbook

and forgot all about them.

Oh, sure. Easy come, easy go.

The $ could have been
in the bank earning interest.

Come on, Arch,
measly dollars.

Didn't you ever bet on anything?

Yes.

I bet that my daughter
would marry a human being,

and I lost.

Come on, Gloria,
let's go.

EDITH:
Wait a minute.

Would you mind

dropping some clothes
at the cleaners

on your way
to the subway?

No, Ma,
we don't mind.

I'll be right down.

I can't get over it.

Edith buying
lottery tickets.

I bet you wouldn't
be complaining

if Ma had won.

Ah, nobody ever wins
on them lotteries.

Hey, it says here that
these tickets are valid

up to one year
after the purchase.

Ah, forget about it.

But how would you know

what the winning number was
way back then?

You call the candy store.
They sell lottery tickets.

They probably have a list

of the winning numbers
for the past year.

What's the first prize?
$ , .

Wow, think what you could do
with all of that!

I'm telling you,
you're wasting your time.

Edith,
where are the Thom McAns?

EDITH: What, Archie?

I said, Edith,
bring down my good shoes!

I'm sorry, Archie,
I didn't hear you.

I was in the closet
getting your good shoes.

What did you say?

Nothing, Edith.

Here's the cleaning, Mike.

Please, I can't hear
what the man's saying.

Who is she talking to?

She's calling about
the lottery tickets.

She's wasting her time
just like you wasted our money.

EDITH: But, Archie...

Ma! Ma! You did it! You did it!

You did it, Ma!

The last four
numbers match!

What?

The last four
numbers?

That's $ !

What?
$ !

Daddy, the last
four numbers match!

This ticket's a winner!

The last four
numbers here?
Yeah!

He told you
on the phone?
Yeah!

A winner?
Yeah!

$ ?
Yeah!

$ !

Oh, yeah, sure,
you change your tune fast.

A second ago,
you were against it.

Oh, ho, you don't
hear me

being against no $
there, Meathead.

Daddy, a minute ago,
you were bawling Ma out.

Well, a minute ago,
she was a loser.

Now she's a winner.

Don't argue with me.

Let me figure how
I'm going to spend

these five bills.

That's Ma's money.
She bought these tickets.

What are you talking about?

She wouldn't have
found the ticket

if it wasn't for
my tight shoes.

Right, Edith? Right--

Edith, Edith, what are you doing
on the phone?

I'm talking.

You want to let the world know
you got a winning ticket?

Just Louise Jefferson.
The worst person of all!

Them people will be
beating on the tom-toms!

The whole neighborhood
will know!

Put that phone down.

I'll see you later, Louise.
Put that phone down.

Put that phone down.

Put that phone down!

Now, come on,
get your hat and coat.

We've got to get down
to the lottery office.

What for, Archie?

We're going to
cash in this ticket.

Oh, no, we got no right
to claim that money, Archie.

We can't do that.
Why not?

EDITH: We got no right
to claim that money.

Don't be bothering me
with details, will you?

Archie, that ticket
don't belong to us.

What was that?

That ticket don't belong to us.

What was that?

[SHOUTING]
That tick--

I hear you!

Edith, wait a minute.

You paid for
the ticket,

so the ticket
belongs to us.

No, Archie,
that ticket ain't ours.

Will you try
and make sense?

Ma, if it's not
yours, whose is it?

It's Mr. Jefferson's.

I just told
Louise Jefferson

the good news.

She was so happy.

She'll be here
any minute.

Edith, Edith.

If this is
Jefferson's ticket,

how come it turned up
in your purse?

Because Mr. Jefferson
won't wear his rubbers

in the rain.

He's just like you, Archie.

He won't take an umbrella,
he won't wear his rubbers--

I'm talking about
the tickets, Edith.

Yeah, I'm getting to that.

Remember when we had
the big rainstorm--

I'm talking
about the tickets here.

And everything got flooded

and we got all that water
in our basement?

I'm talking about
the tickets, Edith.

Daddy, don't you
know by now

you got to let
Ma tell her story

in her own way?

I know, but I ain't got time.

I got to go to work
on Monday morning.

Edith, Edith, collect
your thoughts, huh?

Get over there.

Sit in the chair.

Youse two, get over
there on the sofa.

MIKE: Oh, boy,
we'll never get to the museum.

Just clam up.
Don't say nothing

till I get to the bottom
of all of this.

Now, Edith, Edith,

I don't want to hear nothing

about nothing that don't
have nothing to do

with this here ticket,

and I want to hear it fast.

Well, Louise
asked me if I would,

and I said I would, and I did,
and I forgot 'em.

That's too fast.

Now, I'm going to give you
leave to fill it in, Edith,

but have mercy on me,
please, will you?

Go.

Well, Mr. Jefferson
went out without his rubbers,

and he came home with the flu,

and Louise had to
take care of him,

and she couldn't get out.

So I was going out
to do some shopping,

and I asked her
if I could get her something,

and she said yes--

a dozen eggs,
a half a pound of margarine,

a two-pound can
of coffee...

Mr. Jefferson
likes it that way.

Am-- Am-- Am I filling in
too much for you?

Well, here comes
the ticket part.

Just as I was going
out the door,

Louise asked me if I would
buy four lottery tickets.

George always buys them.

And I said, yes, I could,
so I did,

and I put 'em in my purse
and I forgot 'em.

Does that answer
your question?

Right, Edith.

You done fine.

Don't say no more.

What I got to do now
is figure a way

to straighten this thing out
so we don't lose nothing, see.

That's...

And the first thing
that's gotta happen

is you two
get out to the museum.

What is this
going to be,

another one
of your devious plots?

Don't argue
with me, Meathead.

Come on, Gloria,
get him out of here.

No, Daddy,
not right now.

I want to wait till
Mrs. Jefferson gets here

so I can see
the look on her face

when she gets
her winning ticket.

That could be
two, three hours from now.

Ma said they'd be
here any minute.

No, the way them people
shuffle along,

they'll never make it.

Will you stop
with the stereotypes?

Black people don't shuffle!
They walk like everyone else!

Well, then, will you kindly
walk like everyone else

and walk the hell out that door?

Fine, fine.

Come on, Gloria,
let's go.

Get moving, and take them shoes
back to that store!

Okay!

And what
are you doing?

Just shuffling
on out, Daddy.

Now, Edith,

let me tell you what
we're going to do

when the Jeffersons
get here, see.

You're just going
to give them back

the money
for the ticket.

Oh, no, Archie, you mean,
give them the ticket.

They got to go down
and claim the $ themselves.

No!

Not the ticket.

Now, listen.

Now, let me
explain it to you

very, very carefully.

Edith, all you
got to do, see,

is give Mrs. Jefferson
back the $

that she give you
to buy that ticket.

But she never give me $ ,
Archie.

I laid it out for her.

Edith, just do what I--

You laid out the money
for her there?

Yeah.

I'm sure she would have paid me
if I had given her the tickets,

but she forgot about it
just like I did.

So you paid with your own money
for that there ticket.

Yeah.

[CACKLES WILDLY]

What the hell are
we worried about?

If you paid for the ticket
with your own money,

then that means it's our ticket

no matter who you think
you bought it for.

No, Archie,
the ticket belongs to Louise.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, that must
be Louise now.

I'll get it.
I'll get it.

Sit down.
Down, down, down.

Stay in that chair.

Don't say nothing,
nothing at all.

I'll handle this, see.

Shh!

Here we are.

Come on in.

Oh, Edith, isn't it exciting?
Yeah.

Hello, Mrs. Bunker.

Jefferson,
Jefferson,

I got good news
for you.

The $ that you owe Edith

for buying a lottery ticket
a long time ago,

you're off the hook
for it.

You don't have to pay us.

bucks?

Bunker, you got
a real great sense of humor.

Let me say right here and now

that I take back...

most of the things
I've been thinking about you.

Now, where are the tickets?

Oh, ho, ho,
now, wait a minute.

Jefferson, Jefferson, hold it.

You ain't going to get
no ticket.

But, Archie--
Shh! Shh!

Bunker, what are you
trying to pull?

I ain't trying to pull nothing.

That winning ticket
belongs to us.

Bunker, your wife bought
those tickets for my brother.

Now hand them over.

Jefferson, possession
is nine tenths of the law,

and being as how we laid out
the money for the tickets,

that adds up to
the other nine tenths.

Bunker, you're a thief!

What do you mean, a thief?

Suppose the shoe
was on the other foot.

Suppose you had the tickets
and I come to you.

What would you do?
I'd give them to you.

Well, I got them already,

so, what the hell
are you hollering about?

Bunker, I want
that ticket!

Oh, jeez, I want to be
vice-president of the world,

but we all have our little
disappointments, you know?

Bunker, you ain't going
to get away with this.

You been cheating us
for years.

What are you talking about?

You only been on the block
for two years.

I'm talking about
how you white people

come to Africa to steal us,

and then when you was through
stealing us,

and we wasn't around
to watch you,

you stole our whole country!

I've never even been to Africa!

Neither have I,
and that's your fault too.

Louise, I got to
apologize for Archie.

Oh, that's
all right, Edith.

Henry isn't exactly
a diplomat, either.

But Archie thinks
that it's his ticket.

Edith, suppose we just
shared the money - .

Oh, no.

Yes, yes.

Louise, I bought
it for you.

You can pay
me the $ ,

but I bought
the ticket for you.

Yeah, but--
If you hadn't asked me,

I wouldn't have
bought it at all.

Here. It's your ticket.

No, no, no, no,
Jefferson.

There ain't no sense

in talking
to you anymore.

The best thing
you can do is--

What are you doing
in my chair?

Jefferson, get
out of my chair.

I am not budging
from this chair

until I get
that ticket.

I'm going to call the
cops on you, Jefferson.

Go ahead. Call the cops.
Call the cops!

What's going on?
What is it?

This man's in
my chair.

I'm going to call the cops
to get him out of my chair.

Oh, Archie, no,
don't do that.

The man is trespassing
all over my house and my chair.

I'm going to call the cops.
Come on, Henry, let's go.

Louise, I said it before.
I'll say it again.

I am not budging
from this chair

until I get
that...ticket.

Last warning,
Jefferson.

I'm calling
the cops.

All right, all right.

I'm going, I'm going.

Goodbye, Edith.
EDITH: Goodbye.

ARCHIE: Calling
the cops, Jefferson!

Calling the cops,
over here.

They gone?

Yeah.
Ah!

Yeah, I settled that.

See that? See, see?

Them people
are all the same.

Always putting
up the big front,

but the minute
you holler, "Cop,"

same old story.

It's "Feet,
do your stuff."

Archie, I got
something to tell you.

Save it, Edith.

We've got to get down
to the lottery office

and cash in that ticket
right now.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, look who's back.

Uh, Bunker, uh,

me and Louise
was talking it over,

and we decided, well,

maybe we should
split the money - .

Listen to this guy!

Wants to split
the money - .

Are you kidding, Jefferson?

The answer to that is no.

I'll spell it for you:
N-O, no.

Are you sure?

I certainly am.

I was hoping
you'd say that. Bye!

Can you figure
them people out?

You tell them something

that's supposed to make
them as mad as hell,

but they bust out
in a smile.

I wish you was able
to do that, Archie.

Edith, I can
smile anyti--

Why did you say
that to me?

Because I gave Louise
the lottery ticket.

What was that?

I gave Louise the lot--

What was that?

[SHOUTING]
I gave...

I heard you!

Archie, Archie.

Look at the present
Mrs. Jefferson gave us--

a $
gift certificate.

Hey, that's
sensational!

Ma, that was
really nice!

Wait a minute.

Don't tell me them people
is being fair.

Let's take a look at this here.

There it is, "gift certificate."

"This entitles bearer

to $ worth
of merchandise at--"

"Jeanette's Dress
and 'Ling-erie' Shop."

Jeez, that's a hell
of a windfall

for me, huh, Edith?

[♪]

ANNOUNCER: All in the Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.