03x24 - The Battle of the Month

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
The Hit Parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

[BELL DINGS]

What was that, Ma?

My timer.

Uh, doesn't that mean
you have to do something?

No, it's my reminder timer.

It reminds me
that in five minutes

I gotta turn off the oven.

Why didn't you set the timer
for five minutes later?

Oh, no, I might be
in the middle of something...

like if I was on the telephone,

I'd have to hang up right away,

and that wouldn't be polite.

But what if somebody calls you
five minutes from now?

I never thought of that.

Maybe I better set it
minutes ahead.

[DOOR OPENS]

Hidey-ho, everybody!

Hello, Archie.

How was your day?

Oh, Edith,
my day was great.

Oh, did
something good happen?

No, Edith, I mean,
nothing good happened.

I mean,
this is New York.

If nothing bad happens,
it's a great day, right?

Like I got on the subway
this morning,

and... it went.

Then the second
miracle of the day

was when the oil from
your tuna fish sandwich

didn't leak through
onto my Twinkies.

Then to top off
the whole day,

I won a buck bet from
Stretch Cunningham.

How did you do that?

Wait till you hear.

We was all sitting around
at lunchtime talking, see,

and I says to Stretch,

"Hey, I was watching
a bowling tournament.

I see a guy,
he bowled ."

Stretch says,
"That can't be."

I says,
"Oh, no? You wanna bet?

Put your money
where your mouth is."

So the dumb sucker
bets me a buck.

He hollers,
"Hey, Arch, you lost.

"In bowling,
is a perfect game.

How could a guy bowl ?"

I says, "Did you ever see
a guy bowl and lose?"

You get it, huh?

Oh, yeah.

He lost because
somebody else bowled .

No, no, no, Edith,

y-y-you--
you can only bowl , see?

Then you didn't
tell Stretch the truth,

because you said
the man bowled .

No, I didn't mean "one" one.
I meant him, the guy, won.

Then why didn't you explain
that to Stretch?

Because then he wouldn't
have bet with me, Edith.

You see, in bowling,
you got frames there.

See, I mean, you're
supposed to get a certain...

Each frame you get a...

I mean,
if you get from each frame...

Ah, forget it!

You don't understand bowling.

No, Arch, what she doesn't
understand is larceny.

Was I talking to you?

Edith,
what's for supper?

Oh, something special.
It's Gloria's birthday.

It's Gloria's
birthday again?

That's right, Arch.

They come once a year, regular.

I still ain't talking to you.

Just think, Archie,

our little girl
is years old.

It just seems
like yesterday

when I was changing
her diaper.

Do you remember

how you used to play
peek-a-boo with Gloria?

Oh, oh,
forget that, huh?

Oh, Mike,
Gloria just loved that game.

She used to make Archie
play it with her

all the time.

Do we have to get into this?

Archie used
to crawl around

on his hands and knees,

and then he'd come up
from under the crib

and say,"Peek-a-boo, I see you."

[LAUGHING]

And Gloria would
laugh and laugh.

Wasn't you on your way
to the kitchen?

Oh!

Oh, don't tell Gloria
anything about her birthday.

I wanna surprise her.

I'm gonna put the
candles on the cake.

"Peek-a-boo, I see you"?

Somehow I just can't
picture you doing that.

Well, try
picturing this...

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Hi, everybody.

Oh, hi, Gloria.
How are you?

Hmm.

You look a little down.

You have
a rough day today?

No, but I got
a rotten headache.

It's that time
of the month again.

Oh, hey, hey, hey there,
little girl, huh?

Try talking delicate
in front of your father.

Oh, hi, Gloria.

Hi, Ma.

Mike, would you clear
your books off the table?

Sure, Ma. Gloria, maybe you
ought to lie down for a while.

No, I'll just sit here.

What's the matter?

Nothing serious, Ma.
Just that time of the month.

Hey, do I have
to hear about this?

Oh, Daddy,
it's a normal human function.

I don't like to hear
about normal human functions.

Gloria, maybe your father
would rather hear,

"It's Mother Nature
come to call."

All right,
if you got to talk about it,

that would be a little nicer,
more ladylike, yeah.

Well,
why do I have to be ladylike?

I mean,
what's there to be ashamed of?

Would you believe
there's a girl who works with me

who says, "I just got
a visit from my friend"?

All right,
that's kind of nice too.

Oh, remember Mrs. Carmody,
the one who had children?

She used to call it
"the blessing."

Now, that is enough of this!

I don't wanna hear nothing
more about women's problems.

You don't hear men complaining
about their problems, do you?

That's because men don't
have any problems

compared to women.

And that's God's will,
so forget it.

You mean God's mistake.

Hey, hey.

Hey, God don't make no mistakes.

That's how he got to be God.

Don't be blaming nothing on God

that youse women brung
on yourselves.

What?

Yes, that's right!

You don't believe me,
read your Bible.

Read your story
of Adam and Eve there.

I mean, Adam and Eve,

they had it pretty soft
out in paradise.

They had no problems.

They didn't even know
they was naked.

But Eve, she wasn't
satisfied with that, see?

And then one day,
against direct orders,

she made poor Adam
eat that apple.

God got sore.

He told them,
"Get your clothes on

and get the hell out of here."

That's why that Eve was cursed,

and that's why they call it...
what do you call it?

"The curse."

Well, there you have it, Gloria,

direct from
the Reverend Archie Bunker:

The true story
of menstruation.

Shush...
with that kind of a word!

Oh, Daddy, there's
nothing wrong with that word.

You know something?

It's your kind
of male chauvinist thinking

that's made women feel
guilty for thousands of years.

What are you talking about?

I'm the kind of a guy
that always looked up to women.

I always put them up there
on a puh-destal.

Well, we don't want
to be up on a "puh-destal."

We want to be treated
like equals.

You can't be treated
like equals because you ain't.

You're the weaker sex,

and we got to protect you
and learn youse things.

He just proved everything
Germaine Greer said.

I don't even know the guy.
Who is he?

Arch,
Germaine Greer is a woman,

and she wrote a book
on women's rights.

It's called
The Female Eunuch.

Ah, there ain't no
such thing as that.

Oh, yes, there is.

That's what men have
made of women.

There can't be no such thing
as a female eunuch,

because the what you got
to lose to be that,

you ain't got that
in the first place.

Arch, Germaine Greer
was just using

the term figuratively.

She meant that women have
been mentally castrated.

Shush!

What are you shushing me
for now?

He's upset because you used
the word "castrated."

If you know the word upsets me,
why are you using it again?

Oh, Daddy, anything
about sex upsets you

because you're
narrow-minded

and puritanical!
Hey, watch that!

And what's more,
you're just plain stupid!

Do you hear the way
you are talking to your father?

Gloria,
can I see you in the kitchen?

All right, Ma,

but I meant
every single word I said.

Oh, no, she didn't.

Yes, I did.

Why don't you two sit down...

[WHISPERS]
and get ready for the cake.

Gloria, I don't think
you should talk

to your father
that way.

I know you ain't
feeling good,

but he's your father.

Yeah, but that doesn't
make him right

and when he's wrong,
I'm going to tell him so.

But you didn't tell
him he was wrong,

you told him
he was stupid.

Well, he was.

Oh, Gloria,
you ought to have

more respect
for your father.

Ma, didn't you hear
the things he was saying

about women out there?

And that includes me...
and you too, Ma!

But that ain't
no way to argue.

I get mad at your father
lots of times,

but I don't
call him stupid.

I know.
You don't do anything.

Oh, yes, I do.

What?

I come into the kitchen
and I make myself a cup of tea.

Well,
what good does that do?

Well, I go back in,

and Archie forgot
what we was arguing about,

so I won,
only he don't know it.

Ma, you're
just giving in to him.

Not really.

Yes, you are!
Daddy always gets his way!

Not always.

Oh, Ma, you let him
walk all over you.

He's turned you
into a doormat!

[GASPS] A doormat?

Right or wrong,
whatever Daddy says, goes.

Your whole life
revolves around Daddy.

That ain't true!

Ma, you ain't got
a life of your own.

Gloria, I do...

Ma, marriage is supposed
to be a partnership.

Well, you're not a half,
not even a quarter.

You're a nothing, a zero!

Gloria!

And even if you stood up to him
times as much as you do,

times nothing is
still nothing!

What's going on out
there? Where's dinner?

Is that all
you ever think about, dinner?

When I'm sitting
at the dinner table,

yeah,
I think about dinner!

Now, go ask your mother
where it is.

No, I'm not going
in there again.

Gloria,
are you all right?

Yes.

Well,
I heard a joke today.

Would anybody else care
to hear it?

Uh, yeah, yeah.
I'd like to hear it.

I love a good joke.

All right, this here Scotchman,

he invites
a pal of his to dinner.

He says,
"When you come to the house,

"ring the bell with your elbow

and I'll answer
the door for you."

The guy says, "Why I got
to ring the bell with my elbow?"

The Scotchman says, "You ain't
coming empty-handed, are you?"

[LAUGHS]

[FORCES LAUGHTER]

Ha... ha.

Nothing from you, huh?

The meathead laughed.

I don't think
he even got it.

Hey, oh! Look
what's coming here!

Oh, happy birthday!
Surprise!

Here we are,
here we are.

[SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"]

♪ Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Gloria ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Oh, Ma...

I don't want to talk
to you no more!

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS MUSICALLY]

[SIGHS DRAMATICALLY]

Hey, Edith...

Not now, Archie.
I ain't in the mood.

For what?

For nothing.
Go back to sleep.

How can I sleep

with all the noise you're
making here?

You're heaving enough sighs
to blow up an inner tube.

I'm sorry, Archie,
but I just can't sleep.

Well, why don't you
get it off your chest?

What happened
between you and Gloria?

I can't talk
about it, Archie.

Well, don't you want me

to help you
with the problem?

Oh, yeah.

[GENTLY] Well, then just tell me
what the problem is.

[RUDELY] I'll tell you
"Forget it,"

and we'll both go to sleep!

No, I can't, Archie,

but I'll try not to
bother you no more.

Please, huh?

Jeez.

[GROANS]

[GASPS]

What?!

Archie, do you think
I'm a nothing?

What kind
of a question is that

to ask me
at : in the morning?

Oh, I'm sorry.

"Nothing" just came
into my mind.

It must have felt
right at home there.

I don't understand you.
Why can't you tell me?

I mean, isn't that what
a husband's for,

to talk things over with?

A husband's also for shutting up

when his wife doesn't
feel like talking.

I'm gonna ignore
that last remark,

because I know you only said it

because you're not feeling well

and you really didn't mean it.

Oh, shut up, Michael.

Now, that one you meant.

That "shut up"
I didn't like at all, Gloria,

and we're gonna
get to the bottom of this.

We're not going to sleep.

You tell me why you got
into a fight with your mother!

Because I love her.

What?

I felt I had to tell her
the truth about herself.

Oh, and because of that,
now she's not speaking to you?

[MOCKING MICHAEL] Yes.

Oh, come on, Gloria.

What are you trying to tell me?

I know your mother.

I've been living with her
for over two years.

She's a marvelous woman.

Are you saying I'm not?

No, no, I'm not saying that,
but, uh...

[MOCKING MICHAEL]
"But, uh" what?

But, uh...

"But, uh" what? What? What?
But what?

But you're not like your mother.

Well, thank God for that.

You're like your father.

What?

Gloria, you have a very,
very quick temper.

Sometimes you're given
to some very nasty remarks.

Okay, Michael, so you don't
like the way I talk.

What else don't you like
about me?

Nothing, nothing.

Some of your nasty remarks
are very cute.

Oh, ho...

Okay...
I got a nasty temper.

What else is
wrong with me?

Gloria, this is no
time to stand here

and make a list
of all your faults.

Oh! I got so many faults
you can't list them, huh?

I must be a real mess.

Is that what
you're saying, Michael?

Is that what you're saying

[BELLOWING]
Will you calm down?

You'll wake up the whole house!

Archie,
I don't think

you should
listen like that.

This is the best way.

You can hear better
through a glass.

I mean,
what they're saying is private.

Oh, well, if it stays
on their side, it's all right,

but anything that leaks
through my wall into my room,

I can listen to.

I was right.
I was right.

When you talk like
that, you're

just as boneheaded
as your father!

Hey! I heard that!

Hey, you stop listening
in there!

What was that?

I said, "stop listening!"

[SCREAMS]

Archie, does it hurt?

Certainly it hurts!

Serves you right
for listening.

You can
stop listening now.

The fight is over.

The fight might be over
between you and him,

but not between him and me.

How dares
he call me a bonehead?

And how did you hear that?

Did you have your hot little ear
pressed against the wall?

No!

He listened
with this glass.

Give me that.

Well, I have one final thing
to say to you.

Get away from me.

[YELLING] Good night!

Ah!

Excuse me.

You! You!
What? What?

[SCREAMS]

He made more sense

when he was coming
through the glass.

All right, Gloria,

get off the couch
and come back upstairs.

Let's go.
Leave me alone.

Gloria, I'm in no mood
for games.

I'm your husband.

Get off the couch
and come back upstairs.

Get lost.

All right.
All right.

I can see you're
acting like a child.

That's right, you're
acting like a child.

I'm not acting
like a child!

I'm going to have
to treat you like one.

You're coming back upstairs.
Let's go!

Oh, Archie, look,
it's all right.

They made up.

You hit me!

Oh, Michael...

You hit me across the face.

Oh, I didn't mean...

You hit me!

You hit me!
Did you see that?

Yeah, it was worth
getting up for.

Stop it, Daddy.

Michael,
are you all right?

No, no, I'm not all right!
I'm not all right!

A person who gets
hit across the face

is never all right!

You hit me!

Stop saying that!

What do you want me to say,
Gloria?

"Thank you very much,"
and then turn the other cheek?

Yeah, go ahead.
I'd love to see a replay.

Will you stay
out of this!

Mike, would you like me
to get you a cold towel

for your face?

[LAUGHING]
You see that?

There's
the difference

between you and
your mother, Gloria.

You hit me, and she
worries about me.

Oh, Michael, stop
being such a crybaby.

I didn't hit
you that hard.

That's not the point,
Gloria.

That's not the point
at all!

Ma, let me
ask you a question.

Did you ever hit Archie?

Oh, no!

Oh, you're damn
right she didn't.

Yeah, you see that?

She never hit
your father.

And if anyone ever
deserved to be hit...

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

I felt like
hitting him once...

when you lost
your whole paycheck

in that poker game.

Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah,
but you didn't.

Oh, I couldn't hit you
while you was crying.

Aw!

I don't remember that!

That's because
you was drunk.

Aw! Lay off, will you?

Them things are
supposed to be private.

That's a strange word
coming from a man

who just had a glass
in his ear.

Come on, let's get
this over with, huh?

Why don't
you two make up?

Ask him.

Well,
you're willing to make up?

Fine, I forgive you!

Oh, thank you, Michael.

I'm sleeping on the couch.

What is the matter
with you now?

I said I forgive you!

You forgive me?

You pick me up like a child

and drag me upstairs
against my will,

and you forgive me?

Gloria,
if you understood one iota

about the psychology
of the male ego...

Don't you talk
down to me!

I'm not talking
down to you,

you're just being stupid!

Oh, now I'm being stupid, huh?

But I'm smart enough
to bring home the paycheck.

Oh!

Oh, that's
a great shot!

She got him there!

Oh! Oh!

There it is. There it is!

Now it's out in the open,
isn't it?

That's what's
really bugging you, isn't it?

You want to be the man
of the family.

You want to be the man?

All right, let's go all the way.
Take my pants!

Leave them
pants on!

Well, I didn't say that.
I didn't say anything like that.

Here come the pants!

[EDITH SQUEALS]
Hey, hey,
hey, hey!

Michael, what are
you so uptight about?

Are you afraid you lost
your pants already?

If they're lost, I didn't
lose them. You took 'em!

And what kind of a man

lets his pants
be taken away from him?

Oh, are you saying what
I think you're trying to say?

I'm trying to find out

exactly what you're
trying to say!

I'm saying
take my pants!

I don't want 'em!

I say stop it!

You two sit over there.

Go on.

Sit down and listen
to your mother.

And you listen too.

[GRUMBLING]
All right.

Well, hurry up,
will you? I'm tired.

Now...

When I was a little girl,

my mother and father got
into a terrible fight

that started just because
there wasn't enough maple syrup

for my father's pancakes.

Ma, what we're
arguing about here

is a little bit more
important than maple syrup.

Just a minute. I ain't finished.

They didn't talk to each other
for three whole weeks,

and even after they made up,

things was never the same
between them.

So before you two start
saying things to each other

that you'll never take back,

stop and think how much
you really mean to each other.

Now, I know maple syrup

is just a little thing,

but would you rather break up
over something bigger?

Gloria...
Michael...

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

Wanna go upstairs?

Yeah.

Ma...

I'm sorry
I called you a nothing.

You're really something.

Oh... thanks, Gloria.

Happy birthday.

Oh...

Thank you, Ma. Good night.

Archie,
did you hear that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you think I'm something?

You, Edith, are something else.

[GIGGLES]

Archie,
it's : in the morning.

We better get to bed.

You ain't kidding.

Hey, hold it there.
Edith, hold it.

Yeah?

You know, uh,
that was very nice,

that little story
you told the kids

about your mother
and father,

syrup and all,
you know.

Made them think.

I'm glad it helped.

Yeah. Made me think too.

That's nice.

Made me think
about pancakes and syrup.

Get me some.

[♪]

ANNOUNCER:
All in the Family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.