04x07 - You Can't Judge a Book By Its Cover

[bunniefuu]

MARY ALICE: Previously on
Desperate Housewives.

Danielle had her baby on Halloween.

You said my father didn't care
about me.

Katherine revealed a secret.

I want you to imagine the worst thing
that a father can do to his daughter.

Lynette got great news.

I got the test results back. You're clean.

While Mike tried to ease his pain.

- Victor...
- You know what my dream is?

... reached out to Gabby.

You. Don't run away, Gabby.
And if you do, take me with you.

And Edie got revenge.

Don't take it all out on Gabby. Carlos
decided to make a fool out of you.

The thing you need to know
about Victor Lang

is that he was not above
using deception.

Whether it was an insincere promise
to a campaign donor,

or the artful evasion
of a reporter's question.

Or an outright lie to his constituents.

Victor did what he had to,
to get what he wanted.

But thanks
to some compromising photos,

he learned that his wife knew a little
something about deception as well.

(DOOR OPENING)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

For the last time, Carlos,
stop calling me!

- I told you, I just want to talk.
- And I told you it's over.

So, what? You're just gonna go back
to that chicken-lipped albino?

I don't know.
I'm taking it one day at a time.

But what I can say about Victor
is he doesn't lie to me

about how much money he's got.

Look, I said I was sorry.

Oh, that's great.
Yeah, well, I gotta go, Bree.

It's Bree.

Okay. So I just informed my staff
that I'm taking the next month off

to give my wife the honeymoon
she always wanted.

That's amazing! Where should we go?

Well, I left some travel magazines
in the bedroom.

- Why don't you go get them?
- Oh.

Oh, my God, Victor. A month in Rio
sounds like heaven, doesn't it?

Oh, it does. Let's do it.

Hey, why don't we kick off
our reconciliation

with a little weekend on the boat?

That's so romantic! I love that.

Yeah, just you and me all alone,
out in the middle of the ocean.

- The girls are going to be so jealous.
- Oh, no, no, no.

Let's not tell anyone we're going.
It'll be our little secret.

Yes. Victor was not above using
deception to get what he wanted.

And what he wanted now
was revenge.

The next day on Wisteria Lane
began with a bit of deceit.

Bree Hodge told her friends

she had given birth in the middle of
the night to a beautiful baby boy.

And thanks to the healthy lungs
of Benjamin Tyson Hodge,

it didn't take long for Bree's friends
to engage in some deceit of their own.

Well, he's just a little piece of heaven!

You're so blessed!

Makes me want to have
another one myself!

Orson, you better take Benjamin
to the other room

- before my friends run out of lies.
- No.

They don't appreciate
a healthy pair of lungs, that's all, huh?

Come on, Benjamin.

Hey, Lynette, you tell everyone
your news?

No, this is about the baby.

- Wait. Did you have that final scan?
- Did you hear something?

Well, the results are back,

and while you can never actually say
you're cured...

She's cured!

I have to get checked every six months,
but yes, the doctor is very optimistic.

Hey, what the hell is all this racket?
Someone win the lotto?

Oh, I was just telling everybody
the good news about my

cancer.

Hey, congrats. I'm a survivor myself.
Prostate. Oh, muffins.

Hey, show some class,
introduce yourself.

Hi, I'm Stan.

Is that my robe?

Yeah, sorry.

If I knew when I walked
into that card club last night

that I would be going home
with this lovely lady,

I'd have packed me
a change of clothes.

Okay, I get it. We'll get out of your hair.

Come on, handsome.
Let's take a shower.

(EX CLAIMS)

SUSAN: Mike, how long
are you gonna be?

We've gotta get this food over
to Bree's before it gets cold.

You know, Susan, I don't feel
like going over there tonight.

Can't you just drop it off?

No, they just had a baby.

We're going to "ooh," we're going to
"ahh," then we're going to eat.

But I'm tired. I worked all day, I've got
a job first thing in the morning.

There's no way out of it, Mike.
Just put on your game face,

and meet me downstairs.
This is what we do in the suburbs.

Yes, the suburbs.

And how does Danielle like
her baby brother?

Oh, she adores him.

She just felt terrible that she had
to leave for school so soon.

Speaking of which, we have
some extra preschool applications

if the two of you are interested.

Isn't it a little early to be talking
preschools? She just got pregnant.

Our baby still looks like a seahorse.

Oh, honey, you'd be surprised
how fast the best schools fill up.

And only the best for our kid, right?

Start saving your pennies.
Bonny Briar's up to $ , a year.

$ , for used Legos
and a potty chair?

And you'd better apply now.

Debbie Gottlieb had her baby
the same day I did,

and she could only get waitlisted
at her first three choices.

Oh, by the way, we're invited
to her bris this Saturday.

Well, make an excuse for me.

- I thought you liked Debbie and Lou.
- Yeah, I do.

I just don't care to watch them
ritually mutilate their child.

More mu shu, please.

Circumcision is not mutilation.

It's a simple surgery meant to promote
lifelong masculine hygiene.

It's a traumatic procedure
which reduces the male's capacity

for sexual pleasure by desensitising
the tip of...

We know what it is.

Gee, I don't think I've ever heard
such strong opinions on the subject.

I mean, not that it's something I talk
about a lot or ever.

I hope I didn't offend you.

I haven't heard a word since "$ , ."

It's just that I remember
my own circumcision so vividly.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

My parents disagreed on this issue,
too. My dad said, "No."

So Mother just bided her time until he
finally left town on business. I was five.

- Whoa.
- Ouch.

She told me we were going
for ice cream.

That's why the procedure should be
done on babies, they won't remember.

Now can we please just drop this?

So Susan, you mentioned something
about bringing dessert. What is it?

Ice cream.

Sorry.

Oh, so you found the chocolate sauce?

Oh, yeah. It's right here.

Is everything okay?

Oh, yeah, I was just taking
a couple of aspirin.

I hope Orson's rant didn't give you
a headache.

Oh, no. I've just still got a little pain
from my accident. That's all.

Still? That was nearly two years ago.

It's just a twinge every now and then.
Aspirin does the trick.

VICTOR: No, no, no. I'll get that.

I thought you kept your boat
at the yacht club.

I wanted to leave from here. This way
we avoid the congestion at the marina.

Where's the crew?

There's no crew. I let them go.

What? Who's gonna bring us umbrella
drinks and salute us when we walk by?

Just consider me your one-man navy.

So you're going to drive this thing
by yourself?

You can help. Didn't that captain give
you lessons last summer?

Oh, that's right.

Those two boring hours
I'll never get back.

Well, the good news is,
this trip will be anything but boring.

- Hey.
- Hi.

We need to talk about this Stan thing.

Oh, is that his name... Stan?

When he left, I just sort of said,
"See you."

Well, it got me thinking
about how much

you've had to put your life on hold
these past few months.

No big deal.

No, it was a big deal.
You have taken amazing care of me.

But I know you have so many things
you want to get back to.

Oh, not really.

Come on, it must be driving you crazy,

living with
five screaming kids underfoot.

I don't blame you for wanting
a little peace and quiet.

You need to leave, Mom.

Okay, okay. I know I shouldn't have
brought Stan into the house.

And next time, I promise you,
we will do it in the car.

It's not just that.
It's the smoking and the swearing

and the teaching the kids
how to make a Whisky Sour.

It's a science, Lynette.
It's called mixology.

I just think it would work better for
everyone if you got your own place.

Okay. With what money?

You have money, right?
I mean, you loaned us that $ , .

Yes, I did.

Wait a minute,
that was all the money you had?

You guys needed it,
and I needed a place to stay.

It seemed like it turned out pretty well
for everybody.

What do you mean?
I thought you were living with Lucy.

Your sister kicked me out.

Not to put too fine a point on it, Lynette,

but your cancer couldn't have come
at a better time.

Hey, I need your help
with a school thing.

Wow. You never ask for my help.
Must be something easy.

What do you know about Dylan's dad?

We've got this genealogy project
for school,

and she wants to find out about him.

Maybe Dylan should ask her mom.

She gets really weird, talking about
him. Why is that, by the way?

Okay, don't tell anybody I told you this.

Her mom said something at my party

about her dad being abusive
towards Katherine.

And maybe Dylan, too.

(EX CLAIMS)

So I'm thinking that it would be better
if you could get her to research

- somebody else in her family.
- Yeah. Maybe you're right.

- Listen, I was talking to my mom...
- Yeah. I heard.

Susan? Hi, it's Bree.
I'm glad you're home.

Listen, I thought I might stop by
for a little visit.

Hey, look, I've only got
about an hour before my next job.

Is it okay if I grab lunch in front of
the TV? I wanted to watch the game.

- Oh, sure. I'll bring up a tray.
- Oh, thanks.

Bree thinks you're doing dr*gs.

She found this on her kitchen floor,
and it's not aspirin.

Well, yeah,
my shoulder's been hurting lately.

She says it's a narcotic.
And it's highly addictive.

- Given your history...
- Whoa!

Susan, these were prescribed
by a doctor right after my accident.

I found a couple
in the medicine cabinet

and I've been carrying them around
in case my shoulder acts up.

- Really?
- Yeah. Really. They were the last two.

So you've got nothing to worry about.

Oh, thank God.
You have no idea where my mind went.

I had you roaming back alleys
to score your dope,

pawning our good silver
to pay your dealer.

And we don't even have good silver,
so it got worse,

because you had to knock over
a gas station to buy the silver

to pawn it off.
I was really making myself crazy.

I'm sorry about that.
But I reiterate, old pill, no problem.

I knew it. I'm so happy.

Good. Now fix me some lunch, woman.

(YELPS)

I want to watch the damn game.

Can I help you?

Yes.

Can you tell me who I would talk to
about having my baby circumcised?

What do you mean, you can't help me?

I received a registered letter
from your husband which reads,

"I do not wish for my son,
Benjamin Hodge, to be circumcised.

"Should the recipient of this letter
encounter my wife..."

"Please feel free to show her this letter
and assure her of its wide distribution

"to hospitals and physicians across this
and two neighbouring states."

Does this seem too warm to you?

That you even felt
such a thing was necessary!

Well, obviously it was.
Forgive me for knowing my wife.

What's that supposed to mean?
You don't trust me?

I trust you not to break your word.
Since you pointedly refused to give it,

I trusted you to snip first
and debate the merits later.

I'm only thinking of Benjamin.
Be reasonable.

You're the one who's unreasonable.

What have you got
against untrimmed penises?

They're unsightly!

I do not want our son to be teased
for being different, do you?

So in the end, it all comes down
to tradition and conformity.

What is wrong with that?
I thought we liked conformity.

Not at the price of pain
and reduced sexual pleasure.

I can tell you someone
whose sexual pleasure

is going to be reduced big time.

Hey, sweetheart. What's that?

Just something for school.

What was that name you just typed in?

We were assigned a genealogy project.
I have to do research on my father.

I will call your teacher.
She'll assign you a different project.

What do you think you're doing?

I am learning about my father.

Dylan!

For years you have told me that
my father's too evil to talk about!

Now I find out you've discussed him
at a neighbourhood game night?

Regardless, I am still your mother.

And while you're under my roof,
you will obey my rules.

What if I don't?

Are you gonna slap me again?
Kick me out of the house?

Go ahead, try it. See what happens.

I'm sorry, Mom.
You can't stop me this time.

I am officially no longer afraid of you.

And he needed something for the pain.

So he happened to find the last
two pills in the medicine cabinet,

and he took them. It's no big deal.

Let me show you something.

You see this bread maker? This is
where I hid a bottle of Chardonnay

after I told everyone
I'd stopped drinking.

But this isn't the same thing.
Mike wouldn't lie to me about this.

And this rotating spice rack?

Those little aeroplane bottles of vodka
fit perfectly in the back.

He said there were no more pills.
I was looking him in the eye.

Susan, addicts are experts
at deception.

My advice to you, trust,

but verify.

So, this is nice.
A little family get-together.

Why didn't you call Lucy?

Oh, you know her. Always busy.

So, Mom. You look good.

Thanks. You seeing anybody?

Not that I want to tell you about.

Still alone.

Look, the special is chicken.
Doesn't that sound good?

Oh, order me one.
I'm going to the bar,

and check the score on the game.

Have fun!
I know what this is, and I'm not doing it.

What? What? We're having lunch.

She's not moving back in.
I resist your attempts to manipulate me.

Nobody is manipulating you.

My boundaries are strong. I know what
I want, and I deserve to be happy.

What have you got there?
Are you reading from something?

Okay, as soon as you invited me
to "lunch," I called my therapist.

And he told me you'd try to guilt me
into taking Mom back. But...

"I will not be emotionally blackmailed."

Give me that!

I already had her, Lynette.
She stayed with me for two years.

Two years
in which my weight ballooned,

she put me through
four different hairstyles.

Once, she even brought home
this guy she met at a bar.

She is so not like that now.

I don't care. The day she moved out,
I got my life back.

So if you want to have lunch, fine.
But that's it.

Okay, okay. Okay.

Good for you.

I'm sorry.

Where's the chicken?

Oh. Yeah, where is that waiter?
I'm going to go find him.

Just hear me out.

If you trim the sides in a little,

I think you'll lose that wingy effect
you have going now.

Mom!

Well, I'm just saying
that with the shape of your face,

you're not doing yourself any favours.

Do you think you could go
for one minute without being critical?

What are you talking about?

I have not said one word
about your eye shadow yet.

"I reject your negativity.
I am as beautiful as I feel inside."

Oh. It's you.

Thank you for calling about
my painting. I can't believe I forgot that.

Yeah, I knew it meant a lot to you.

There's a hole in it.

Yeah, I don't get modern art, either.

Okay, Edie, I know that you're angry
right now, but...

You think I'm angry?
You should've seen Victor.

What?

Yeah. We had a little chat.

Actually he didn't believe
that you were screwing his wife.

Until I showed him some photos.
And then he was just enraged.

It was a little scary.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

For God's sakes, Carlos, am I gonna
have to change this number?

- Victor knows.
- Knows what?

Everything!

Edie told him we're having an affair.

No. That's impossible.
He hasn't said a word.

In fact, I've never seen him
so sweet and attentive.

It's an act. Edie said he was enraged.

Well, if he's so mad at me,
why would he take me on a boat trip?

He took you on a boat?

- Oh, crap.
- I think you need to get out of there.

- VICTOR: Gabby?
- Oh!

Oh, I was just talking to Bree.

We agreed, total privacy.

When we head home,
you can have it back.

You can talk to Bree
as much as you'd like.

Can I get you something?

No, I'm good.

You okay?

Actually, I'm really cold. Maybe we
should bail and do this another day.

- You know, when it's warmer.
- It'll warm up.

Oh, okay. Well, just in case,

we should run back to shore
so I can grab a jacket.

Gabby, you're not going anywhere.

I'm not?

I know about everything.
You, Carlos, the affair. Everything.

Okay, I am so sorry. But in my defence,
you were always gone,

and you knew how needy I was
when you married me.

That's it?
That's all you have to say to me?

Well, it'd be easier to talk
if we were back on shore.

What are you doing?

It's bad enough you betrayed me.
Now I have to listen to your whining?

I brought something for you.

Gabby!

Gabby! Gabby!

What's that?

Everything I know about your father.
Date of birth, his mother's name,

last known address.
It's everything you need to find him.

Wow. Thank you.

Before you take this,
you have to promise me something.

Okay.

You cannot bring him here.
Or even tell him where I am.

Why?

The last time that I saw your father,
it was to tell him that I was leaving him.

And I was taking you with me.

He... He always liked
to slap me around a little bit.

But that night was

unimaginable.

I don't remember everything.

I was in pretty bad shape
by the end of it.

But once he was done slamming
my face into the wall,

he started choking me.

And he kept screaming
that he was going to k*ll me.

And the last thought that I had

was what would happen to you if I d*ed.

So you can't tell him where I am.
You just can't.

Maybe you can talk
to my teacher tomorrow

and have her give me
another assignment.

Thank you.

I told you, if you're gonna have
a tree house, you gotta keep it clean.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Here. Take these and dump them
by the front door.

Hey! What the hell are you doing?

Mom, hurry! Get out of the car!

Hey! Hey! Hey! No, no, no.

You are not leaving those here.
Hi, Mom. Take her away.

Lynette. You may have been
able to strong-arm the weak one,

- but not me.
- I'm not weak.

Then why did you call me?
Get out of our way.

Lucy, every fight we have ever had has
ended with my foot on your neck.

I guarantee that this one's gonna end
the same way, too.

Maybe we should talk inside.

I'm often asked why the Torah tells us
that a child must be circumcised

on the eighth day of his life.

Some say that's how long it takes
to get a decent caterer.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

(BAB Y CRYING)

What a lovely ceremony.
I'm Deborah's friend, Bree.

I have what may strike you
as a very odd request.

Trust me, it won't be one
I haven't heard.

Do you think while you're here
you could do a bris for my baby too?

Okay, new one. Good for you.

I know it might seem tacky,
piggybacking on Deborah's bris.

But we could do it in the den,
very quietly.

Well, as we just saw, there's
no such thing as a quiet bris.

- You said your name was Bree?
- Yes. Bree Hodge.

Born Rabinowitz.

I wouldn't have taken you for Jewish.

I should only have a nickel
for every time I've heard that!

Don't you want a proper bris,
with your friends and family there?

I would love that, but
my husband Orson, big, stubborn goy,

he says we should do nothing and let
the child decide when he's grown.

We don't pick our parents,
we should pick our religion?

I wouldn't feel right doing this
without speaking to your husband.

Well, he's out of town. And
our Benjamin is eight days old today.

And if I don't do this, my Grandma...

Tzeitel will never forgive me,
may she rest in peace.

You realise that this is a covenant?
That whatever your husband says,

you are promising to raise your child
as a devout Jew?

I swear to you before God, that this
child will be as devout a Jew as I am.

Hey, where have you been?
I woke up and you were gone.

Oh, we had a very busy day.
We dropped off the dry cleaning,

we deposited money into our Christmas
account, and then we got circumcised.

You did what?

It's just a little unsightly foreskin.
He'll never miss it.

So why stop there?
Why not cut off his testicles?

You obviously have no problem
going after mine.

- Orson!
- Well, what do you call it, Bree?

Going behind my back,
ignoring my feelings on this?

I gave them very serious consideration.
But it's my blood running in his veins,

which ultimately makes it my decision.

Your blood?

So who am I to Benjamin?
A friendly uncle? A male nanny?

Of course not.

Well, then why do you treat me like
I'm anything less than his father?

I mean, haven't I earned that
during the course of our little hoax?

I lie for you. I risk public humiliation.

I do everything but strap on
the pregnancy harness myself.

I know that.

I see myself as Benjamin's father.

I need to know if you see me
that way, too.

I know how much you love Benjamin.

I guess... I guess I just have
to remember that it's love

that makes us a family, and not blood.

(BAB Y GURGLING)

Your son would like you to hold him.

By the way, his Hebrew name
is Simcha. I'll explain later.

Oh, Carlos. Thank God, you're here.

Where is he? Where's Victor?

Well, I clubbed him
and knocked him overboard.

He's in the ocean?

He was going to k*ll me! He had a g*n!

Okay, okay, let me think.

You saw him in the water.
I mean, he's not dead, right?

No. He's mad. But he wasn't dead.

So then we'll send someone out there
to fish him out.

Call the police, show them the g*n,
and tell them that it was self defence.

You still have the g*n?

It's in there.

Well, maybe he wanted it to muffle
the g*n.

There is no g*n.

Ice pick?

- What are you doing?
- I'm calling the Coast Guard.

And tell them what?
I knocked my husband overboard

because he was coming after me
with a sweater?

No, come on,
we gotta go back out there.

LYNETTE: Guys, I can't be any clearer
on this. I am not taking her back.

It's your turn, simple as that.

I've had her for four months.
I also had cancer for four months.

And if I could've asked one of them
to leave,

I'm not sure which I would've picked.

Oh, four months... I had her for a year.

And that was the year she joined
the Gin-of-the-Month Club.

I don't have any room for her.

I already have seven people
in four bedrooms.

There it is. The "I have a family" card.

Congratulations, you can reproduce.
We're all thrilled for you.

Why can't you take her?

You are in that huge house all by
yourself that you got from the divorce.

Dave and I are just separated!

There's a good chance
that he's moving back in,

but not if Mom is living there.

Well, we can't just throw her out
on the street.

I can.

My therapist said it's time for me to be
a little more Lydia-centric.

I really wanna meet this jackass.

Okay, we all have our excuses.
But we gotta figure something out.

- Come on, she is our mother.
- Is she?

She never acted like one.
Not that I can remember.

I remember she showed up drunk to
my graduation. Wearing a housecoat.

Okay, but the point is she went.

Remember that one Christmas? When
we came down and there was Mom,

under the tree, passed out drunk in
the middle of all of our unwrapped toys.

My Raggedy Ann smelled
like peppermint schnapps.

Okay. She wasn't perfect. Clearly.
But she gave birth to us.

We owe her our lives.

And now that she needs us
we can't just turn our back on her.

I know I'm supposed to feel guilty,
but I don't.

I don't either.

It's like you're saying
you don't care about her.

At all?

And I don't understand that.

Well, if you care so much,

then the answer to the problem
is sort of obvious, isn't it?

We can help with money.

I can send you $ a month.

Wow.

I don't need your money. I can take
care of my mother all by myself.

Lynette...

Here's how you can help,
don't visit for the next few years,

'cause it seems fairly likely I won't
have stopped hating you by then.

I guess that's her way of asking us
to leave.

Mom, where is Grandma going?

Going?

Wait... What's that?

Gabby!

Here... Here, sit over here.

Oh, God.

You tried to k*ll me!

Well, I came back for you, didn't I?

What were you thinking?

Well, I thought you were trying
to k*ll me!

I was just trying to talk to you!

To see if we still had a chance.

And to see if you were
still screwing this guy.

And what the hell's he doing
on my boat?

You mean besides saving your life?

That was a big mistake, buddy.

Oh, right.

Yeah, you're the guy that said
if anyone messed with your woman,

that you'd use your money
to make him disappear.

Well, right now, it's just you and me.

So, how tough are you
without your ATM card?

Yeah, that's what I figured.

Victor! Oh, my gosh!

Victor! Oh, my God!

- Well, get up!
- Hey, hey...

Get up, I want to see the look
on your face when the Kn*fe goes in.

I'm getting pretty good at that.

Okay, let's pull him back in again.

What, are you crazy?

We'll just tie him up
so he doesn't cause any trouble. Victor!

Where'd he go?

- Victor!
- Victor! Victor!

Maybe we should go back out
and look some more.

We've looked for six hours. He's gone.

My God. We k*lled him.

But it was self-defence, right?
I mean, he was trying to k*ll us.

We can't prove that.

This is bad, Gabby!

When people find out
we were on that boat with him...

Maybe they won't.

What do you mean?

No one but you knows
I was with Victor.

I'll say he went out alone.

I told him I was leaving him
and he was depressed. Suicidal even.

Only one problem.
The boat's right here.

Then maybe the boat needs
to go back out. Alone.

Whatever you're thinking, I can explain.

I'm thinking that you're a drug addict
and a liar.

So say something that's not that.

- Susan, listen...
- Is it so horrible living with me?

I mean, do I make you so miserable
that you can't even face me

without numbing the pain?

Of course not. I love you.

Well, if you did,
you wouldn't be doing this.

I mean, my God, Mike,
we have a baby on the way!

- Can I say something now?
- Sure. Go ahead.

Oh, should I look you in the eyes?
Does it make it easier for you to lie?

I didn't tell you about the pills
because I didn't want you to feel guilty.

- Me feel guilty?
- Yeah.

When I put in that water heater
for McCluskey,

I really wrenched my shoulder.

The doctor told me
I should take a break.

But I didn't, because that was the day
we found out you were pregnant.

And from then on, all I have heard
about are car seats and strollers

and $ , preschools.

You know, it didn't seem like a really
good time for me to quit working.

Mike, we don't need any of that stuff.

Yeah. You say that now.

But when Benjamin Hodge is
in Harvard

and our kid's just a plumber
like his dad...

I just want to be able to give him
the advantages I never got.

God, the only advantage he needs

is to have a healthy dad
who's not doing this.

You're right.

I get it. Okay?

I'm done.

I want to believe you. It's just...

That addicts are good at lying.

Yeah.

All right, how about this?

You believe me now?

Thank you.

MARY ALICE: Deception.
You find it in all the best homes.

Parents rely on it
when dealing with inquisitive children.

Women use it to help keep secrets,
big and small.

Lovers need it to cover up
inconvenient accidents.

Why do people resort to deception?

Because it's a handy tool
that helps get us

exactly what we're looking for.