04x02 - We're Still Having a Heat Wave

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
The hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy,
oh, boy, oh, boy.

It's too bad the air conditioner
ain't working, Mike.

Is the fan making you
feel any cooler?

Only the inside
of my knees.

The rest of me is dying.

How do you keep so cool
in this heat, Ma?

I just think
about my mother.

How does thinking about your
mother help you keep cool?

Well, she used to say
that keeping cool

is just a case of
mind over matter.

Oh, yeah, you mean like
auto suggestion?

Oh, no, we never had a car.

She meant you just gotta
think cool thoughts.

Hot...hot...hot!

Oh, hi, Gloria.

Hi, Gloria.
Don't get up, Michael.

I wasn't planning to.

Because if you hugged me
you'd stick to me.

Oh, Ma, the subway was so hot,
so crowded, so jam-packed

I wanted to go, "Aaargh!"

And I did.

You did?
What happened, Gloria?

Nothing. Nobody
even turned around.

I'm going upstairs to take a
shower and I may never come out.

Quick. Somebody say
something cold to me.

Hi, Mrs. Lorenzo.

That's not cold enough,
Michael!

Would you like a cold drink?

Now you're
getting warmer!

Oh, and you wanted me
to get colder.

Oh! It's a joke.
I get it!

Well, come on inside.

I've got some nice
fresh-made lemonade.

Don't bother taking it
out of the fridge.

I'll just crawl
right in with it.

Oh.

Frank said thanks
for the use of the mixer.

You know, the motor was heating
up, so I overhauled it for you.

Oh, thank you, Irene.

Oh, you're so handy.

How did you ever
learn all that?

Oh. Self-defense,
Edith.

Self-defense.

I just got
so sick and tired

of being talked down to
by repairmen.

"Lady, you don't understand
these things.

Take my word for it.
It's a big job."

Oh, yeah, I've heard that.

Well, I got even
for all of us.

I read a forbidden book.

The Handyman's Guide
to Home Repair.

Oh, my!

And I learned
to fix things myself.

And every time
I turn a screw,

I like to think

there's some repairman
on the other end of it.

Oh!

Oh, Irene! Oooh!

[GIGGLING]

You know,
this may sound silly.

I know you're not
a movie star or nothing,

but I think I'm getting
to be a fan of yours.

Edith, thank you!

Maybe we can exchange
autographed pictures later.

Oh, ha-ha-ha! Yeah.

Listen, you were
going to tell me

places to shop in
the neighborhood.

I have a couple of things
to pick up.

Yeah, sit down
and I'll tell you!

Now, the first place to go
is Ferguson's Market.

It's right
around the corner.

But when you
go to check out,

don't go to Agnes
on counter two,

because if you forget
to ask her for Green Stamps

she won't give them to you

because she's saving them
for her own book.

Go to Sybil Gooley
on counter one.

She's wonderful
with Green Stamps.

But you got to
watch her on change.

Oh, not that
she's dishonest.

It's just that she
catches colds all the time

and that makes her breathe
through her mouth

and her glasses fog up

and she don't count
the change right.

For fish...

For fish, you go
to Levy's Fish Market.

And for fruits and vegetables,
you go to Roselli's.

His stuff is fresher.

Only, if the tomatoes
are squishy,

that means Mrs. Goldblatt's
been there ahead of you.

She's a squeezer.

Well, I guess that's everything.
Any questions?

No. I got it all.

Now, what was it
you wanted to buy?

A housecoat
and a pair of slippers.

Edith, have you started
cooking dinner yet?

No, I was just going--
Well, don't.

I want to have
Frank come over

and make you a big
gourmet dinner

right in front
of your very eyes.

Oh, I don't want him to go
to all that trouble.

It's no trouble at all.
And Frank will love it.

MICHAEL: Excuse me.
Oh.

Just wanted
to get something to eat.

But, Mike, we're going to
have dinner pretty soon.

That's all right.
I'll be finished by then.

Irene, wait!

I'll tell you where you can get
your housecoat and slippers.

At Kressler's Department Store.
That's where Gloria--

Oh, hi, there, girls.
I'm going to tell you...

If this ain't the hottest day
in the last years...

Where the hell are you?

Edith?

Edith!

Hi, Archie.
I'll be right back!

Wait a minute.
Where are you going, huh?

Oh, look at this.

For once
I come home from work

and I'm ready to tell her
about my day

and all she does is...

[GRUMBLING]

ARCHIE: Well, if this
ain't a beautiful sight

for a working man
to come home.

Close the icebox door
there, Meathead.

I want to get something.

Come on! You're letting
all the cold out.

I don't know
what I want yet.

Can't you close the door until
you can make up your mind?

How can I make up my mind
until I see what's in there?

You ain't got brains enough
for that, I'll help you. Here.

Here's something
for you right now.

This is Crisco.

What do you care?
You eat anything.

Hiya, Daddy!

Oh, holy cow! Get away from me!

What do you mean,
coming downstairs

in front of your father

dressed like that?

Put some
clothes on you.

I got some clothes on.
Where? Where?

Here, here.
Oh!

Daddy, it's the same thing
I wear on the beach.

It ain't the same as the beach.
The beach is different.

Why?

Because the beach has got
sand and umbrellas

and hot dogs
and Orange Crush.

Look at you.
years old.

You don't know
the difference

between a beach and
your own living room?

Now take that off.
Okay.

Not here!

Go upstairs
and put a dress on you.

Oh, boy, Daddy.

You know something,
you're the kind of person

that would put pants on
Michelangelo's David.

I don't care what any other
father does with his kid.

I take care of my own.

[WOLF-WHISTLES]

Oh, thank you, Michael.

Oh, look at this.

What kind of a bum
would whistle at his own wife?

I can't help it, Arch. It's
the Crisco. It turned me on.

Hubba hubba. What's cookin',
good-lookin'?

Watch my smoke.
Hot stuff, huh, Arch?

You are pure filth.

At least he says what he's
thinking. What's bothering you?

Besides you,
your mother.

What's your problem
with Ma?

She ain't here.
That's the problem.

She probably went next door
to talk to Mrs. Lorenzo.

What's the big deal?

Oh, she's always
over there

and neglecting
her own home here.

What's the big attraction
over there at Lorenzo's?

It's simple: ever since
the Lorenzos moved in,

Ma has someone to talk to.

She's always got
somebody to talk to.

I know, but now
someone's listening.

Who's she married to, anyway?
Me or them?

You know what, Daddy?
You're jealous.

I ain't jealous.
Yeah. You're jealous.

EDITH: Hi, everybody! I'm back!

What?

What do you mean,
"Hello, everybody, I'm back"?

Who are you trying to be today?
Bette Davis or Shirley Temple?

What are you picking on Ma for?

A minute ago
you were missing her.

You were, Archie?
Keep quiet, you!

Look at her. All mouth
and belly button there.

I told you something.
Now I give you an order.

Get upstairs and get
some clothes on,

and take the Polack
Mark Spitz with you.

Watch it,
all right?

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

That's just
like you, Daddy.

We catch you feeling
something for Ma,

and then you got to turn it
into a cheap Polish joke.

Oh, forget it, Gloria.
Just get out of here, all right?

I just realized
what's bothering me.

It's not the heat.
It's the stupidity.

Get him away from me.

If I wasn't so dog-tired,

I'd give you one of these.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Well?

How was your day?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

It's too late for that.

Time to ask me that
is when I come in the door

and the whole lousy day
is fresh on my mind.

Well, why don't you start
with the subway

and maybe it'll
all come back to you.

I don't wanna talk
about the subway.

I wanna talk about my wife.

Oh, then you're talking
to the right person.

Why are you spending
so much time

with the Lorenzos?

You're neglecting
your own house here.

Look at the table here.
Ain't no dinner there.

The air conditioner over here
is still broke.

And I come home, wore out
after a hard day at work,

I'm half-prostate in the heat.

Archie, why don't we have
Irene Lorenzo take a look

at our air conditioner?

She's really very good
with her hands.

Yeah, well,
I wish she'd use them

to choke that husband of hers

that's singing night and day
over there.

He's singing
in the middle of the night.

He's got every alley cat
in the neighborhood throwing up.

Why are you always
over there, anyway?

Why can't you stay here
where you belong?

Archie!

You miss me!

I miss dinner
on the table.

You do miss me.

Oh, Archie!

Coming from you,
that's like a real love letter.

Now that you got
your love letter,

would you get dinner
on the table?

Dinner! That reminds me.

Let me tell you about
a surprise that's coming.

Oh, a surprise? I got a surprise
I wanna tell you about.

Oh, no, let me
tell you mine first.

Oh, no, save it.
Save it, Edith.

I gotta tell you mine
before it happens.

Edith, Edith, this is a surprise
for Frank Lorenzo next door.

Wait till you see this.

The next time he starts singing,
I got this for him now.

What is that lousy old song
he's been singing all week long?

Sing that for me.

You're asking me to sing?

Just this once.
If I can take it, so can you.

Go ahead.

Go on, go on.
All right.

♪ We're havin' a heat wave ♪

♪ A tropical heat wave... ♪

[BLARING]

That's what he's gonna get

the next time he starts singing
in the middle of the night.

I don't have to yell
across the alley or nothing.

I'll just give him that--
Oh, Archie!

Huh?

Where did you get that?

Stretch Cunningham
loaned it to me.

He takes it with him
to the ball games all the time.

Ain't that a beauty?
Look at that. Huh?

Ha, ha, ha!

Now, what was the surprise
you had for me?

Well, the-- Oh!
[BLARES]

Oh, put that away.

Now, the surprise
is this--

FRANK: Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba!

Sound the trumpet!

Bang the drum!

Here comes dinner.
Yum, yum, yum!

Oh!

Into the kitchen,
Irene.

Surprise!

This will be the height
of French cuisine.

Young carrots,
baby onions,

fresh mushrooms,

and four perfectly matched
sprigs of parsley.

Uno, due, tre, quattro!

Oh, my, I just love
to hear you talking in French.

That's not French,
it's Italian.

Oh.

That must be hard,

cooking in French
and counting in Italian.

But I love the challenge.

Five, four, three,
two, one.

Time to take out
our first course.

And my first course
will be soup,

the magnificent,
incomparable vichyssoise.

Oh.

Ohh!

It's ice-cold.
I'd better heat it up.

No, no, no!

Please, it's supposed
to be served cold.

You warm up vichyssoise
and it weeps.

Really?

Oh, I'd better tell Archie
about it before he eats it.

He ain't never had
cold soup before,

not on purpose.

Oh.

Don't you worry.
He'll love this.

Now, how would you
like to see

how I make
my vegetables à la Grecque?

Oh, I'd love it.
Good.

Watch carefully

and feel free
to ask questions.

All right.

How did you
and Irene meet?

Well, I met Irene
going through a revolving door

and we have been going around
together ever since.

Huh?

[LAUGHING]

Oh.

[LAUGHING]

That was a bad one,
wasn't it?

Oh, no!

You're always joking,
ain't you?

You're never serious.

That's just a hangover
from when I was a salesman.

Jokes meant sales,
and believe me,

my jokes were
no laughing matter then.

Which reminds me,
did you hear the one

about the dentist
who married the manicurist?

[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

No, no.
Wait, wait, wait.

That's not the joke.

Oh.

You know what they did?
No.

They fought
tooth and nail.

That's the joke.

Oh.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

That was another bad one,
wasn't it?

I hope it didn't
get to the food.

[BLOWING]

Well, pardon me asking,
but, uh, does your husband

do a lot of the cooking
over your house?

He does all of it.

He loves it.

Oh, well, ain't you
a little afraid

of what
people could think?

You mean,
that I'm a lazy wife?

No. That he's a f*g.

Is that--?
Is that what you think?

Oh, no, no.
I don't think that.

I mean, because
I know he's Italian.

And Italians are always
bothering women.

Then there must be
a little Italian in you.

Oh, no, no.

I--

Was you trying to
give me a sh*t there?

No, no. I thought I was
paying you a compliment.

Oh, because what
you said there,

well, I guess I kind of
misconscrued it.

But if he's got time to do
all that cooking and all that,

he must be
retired, huh?

Semi-retired.

Semi-retired,
what does that mean?

He drives halfway to work
and then comes back again?

Well, let me ask you this,

how is it that you retired
to this neighborhood

instead of to Florida
like the rest of the world?

Oh, we tried Florida,
St. Petersburg.

No matter where we went,

we always got stuck behind
a funeral procession.

So Frank said as long as
we have to face death every day,

we might as well
come back to New York.

Jeez, look at the time,
and no dinner on the table yet.

Well, do you want it quick
or do you want it good?

I want it today.

I'll say one thing
about Edith's cooking,

ready or not,
it's on the table at : .

You don't really
like women, do you?

How can you say that?
I married one, didn't I?

That's how I can say that.

That was a sh*t.

[FRANK SINGING IN ITALIAN]

Oh, gee, there he goes again
with that singing.

Ain't that
terrible?

I think it's lovely.

I think he ought to
get himself a monkey.

Dinner!

Come to the table.

A meal fit
for a king.

Irene,
you sit there.

Frank,
you sit here.

Archie,
you sit there.

And I'll
sit here.

You see how I
worked it out, Archie?

Boy, girl, boy, girl.

Now that we know what we are,
Edith, can we eat?

Oh, wait a minute. This is
just like a holiday meal.

Don't you think we should
say a few words first?

Yeah, I know
just the words to say.

Bless the meat, damn the skin,
open your kisser and cram it in.

Hey, I bet you never heard
that kinda grace before, huh?

No. And I wish
I'd never heard that one.

Come on, let's eat,
everybody, huh?

I can't wait to see
your faces when you dig in.

Uh, see what
we got here.

Archie!

Don't shake my arm.

Look at this. Three blows and
all the heat's gone out of it.

It's vichyssoise, Archie.
It's supposed to be cold.

The soup is supposed
to be cold?

Yeah. If you
warm it up, it cries.

Well, uh,
I'll tell you what--

See? I cook my heart out
with that soup

and he's not eating it.

It's a flop!
No! No, no, Frank.

Well, wait a minute, wait
a minute, don't get excited.

Look, if it'll
make you feel better,

I'll keep it
over here by me.

Come on, Frank.
No.

Come on, give us a smile.
No. Come on, Irene.

Come on, come on.
Come on, Irene. Stop.

There it comes, sweetheart.
Irene.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

There it is. Look at
that beautiful big smile.

♪ From ear to
Shining ear ♪

See what she does to me?
She's a witch, a witch!

For a minute there I thought
she was gonna burp you.

Archie, where are you going?
You haven't tasted anything.

What are you talking about?

The cold soup
was a taste thrill.

I'll see you in a few moments.
Oh, but, Archie...

I told you,
he hates it, he hates it.

Oh, no, no!

Edith, I don't think Archie's
very happy about our being here.

No. He loves
you being here.

And he's gonna love
all the food, I know.

When you live with a man
long enough,

you know what he's thinking,

and believe me, I've lived
with Archie long enough.

You see? You see?

That's what happens
when you cook a gourmet dinner

for a man who's not even
ready for McDonald's.

Oh, I'm sorry, Frank.
Now, snap out of it.

Hey, I think something else
is disturbing you

besides the dinner.

All right, I'll tell you
what's bothering me.

Do you realize how much time
you've been spending with Edith?

Do you realize that this is
the first chance I've had

to talk to you alone
all day?

Frank, you missed me.

I miss you?
I miss you?

The bathroom faucets
are leaking,

my electric razor
started to whistle again,

the floorboards
are all loose.

Sure I miss you.

That's the most romantic thing
you've said to me

since I plugged up
the leak in your dishwasher.

Leave me alone!

If I gotta eat
a cold dinner,

I'm gonna eat something
American: spaghetti.

You're gonna hurt his feelings.
He worked so hard.

To hell with him.

Oh, put that down!

Give me that
back here.

Archie Bunker,
you listen to me.

Ever since you've
come home here tonight,

you've been acting
like a little boy.

Because I'm hungry!

And I'm talking!

Every time I start
to make new friends,

something always happens
between you and them.

But I ain't gonna let it happen
with Frank and Irene,

because I like them
and they like me.

They're my friends
and I wanna keep them.

[WHINING]

What do you want me to do?

I want you to go back in there
and be nice to them.

Oh, go ahead
and I'll follow you.

Oh, thank you, Archie.
Oh, go on, go on.

Go on.

Archie!

Get in there!

Everybody, we found out what was
making Archie act q*eer.

Different,
not q*eer!

It's the heat. He hasn't
been himself for days.

And until the
air conditioner gets--

Would you like me
to take a look at it?

Keep away from it.

Oh, Archie, I think our friend
should look at it.

Yeah, well, all right.

It's just that, you know,

I always figured
the first law of nature

is that women and machinery
don't mix, you know?

I mean, why do you think
God gave men short hair?

So it wouldn't get caught
in the machinery.

You read my mind.

That's not the hardest thing
in the world to do.

That's another sh*t.

Why don't we all
sit down and eat.

Oh, wonderful,
wonderful!

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

Can I ask you
something, Frank?

You gotta sing
all the time?

Frank, why do you
have to sing all--?

He sings
when he's happy.

♪ I sing when I'm happy
Archie, I sing... ♪

Okay, be happy, Frank!
Be happy and sing!

If you wanna be happy, be happy!
I'll make everybody happy.

[BLOWING HORN]

There. The Lorenzos are gone,
the dishes are all done

and now you've got me
all to yourself.

Yeah, that's right,
Edith.

And that's the way
it should be too.

Think I'll go to bed.

[♪]

ANNOUNCER:
All in the Family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.