04x06 - Henry's Farewell

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
The hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

ANNOUNCER [ON RADIO]:
The meeting was held
in President Nixon's office

in the executive
office building

adjacent to the White House...

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

ARCHIE:
Edith!

EDITH:
Oh, good morning, Archie.

Listen, never mind
the good morning.

Just do me a favor, huh?

Next time you get up
at the crack of dawn,

don't wake me up

to tell me it ain't time
to get up.

And you, Meathead, turn off
the garbage on that radio.

Okay. I thought
you'd be interested

in hearing what
King Richard was up to today.

And shut that hole in the middle
of your face too, huh?

Wise guy. Trying to insult the
president by calling him a king.

Why not? Nixon acts like one.

I've got news for you,
little girl.

Being a president is much better
than being a king.

You can probably
make more money that way.

Get out of here, huh?

Richard E. Nixon ain't
interested in getting rich.

He's not interested
in getting rich? Why not?

Because he's got
plenty of money.

It is easier for a camel to pass
through the eye of a needle

than for a rich man
to enter into heaven.

And it is easier for you
to pass me the coffee

than for me to go over there.

Ma, just because
it's in the Bible,

do you really believe that a
rich man can't get into heaven?

Certainly, she does
and I do too.

If it's in the Bible,

then a rich man
can't get into heaven.

Not that I really care,
Arch, but why not?

Because, stupid,
as it also says in the Bible,

quote, "You can't take it
with you."

Then you're saying that the only
rich man up there is God?

No, no. God ain't
got no dough.

You mean he owns all this
and he's broke?

I didn't say
he was broke neither.

He can get all the money
he wants whenever he wants it.

He just likes going around
with poor people.

ARCHIE:
He likes poor people.

Well, if he likes them so much,

why doesn't he
make them all rich?

Being rich don't do you no good
after you're dead.

It gives you
a nicer funeral, though.

Ma, it's been about minutes.
Your cookies might be ready.

Thank you.
Cookies? Oh!

That's what had her up
in the middle of the night?

The cookies are for Henry
Jefferson's farewell party.

Oh, I know all about it.

Jeez, the whole street
is going crazy

just because one colored guy
wants to leave home.

I thought you'd be
leading the cheers.

I ain't going
nowheres near that party.

That's because
you're a r*cist, Daddy.

That ain't so!

I would say goodbye
to Lionel's uncle Henry.

I ain't gonna have nothing to do
with Lionel's old man

because he's an oddball.

What do you mean
he's an oddball?

Well, look at the guy.
You never see him.

He's hiding out in his house
all the time

like some phantom of the opera.

Oh, Archie, Henry Jefferson
is gonna be so disappointed

if you don't go to his party.

Just yesterday he told me

if there was one person
he'd be happy to say goodbye to,

it was you.

Don't try to butter me up,
huh, Edith?

Come on, Daddy,

we're practically
their closest friends.

Closest friends?

What are you talking about, huh?

Their closest friends are still
shrinking heads in Africa.

Are they the ones
who shrunk yours?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I ain't arguing with you.
Don't start with me.

I'll get it.

Daddy, you're grouchy
this morning.

And you too, little girl.
Well, you are.

Listen, let me
tell you something.

Hi, Lionel.

You can take the coloreds
out of the jungle,

but you can't take the jungle
out of the--

Oh, hi, Lionel.

Hi, Mr. Bunker.

Sorry to interrupt
your lecture on anthropology.

Mom just asked me to stop over
and borrow some big dishes.

Oh, yeah, sure.
I'll get them.

I'll give her the good ones.

Hey, Lionel, I'll bet your Uncle
Henry's pretty excited, huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah. He's really
looking forward to it.

Oh, well, you must be looking
forward, at long last,

to getting your own bedroom,
huh, Lionel?

I always had my own room,
Mr. Bunker.

Well, where's Henry been
sleeping? Up in the attic?

No, he's got
his own room too.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Henry's got his bedroom,
you've got a bedroom

your mother and father's
got a bedroom...

You've only got two bedrooms.

No, we've got three bedrooms.

You telling me your house
is bigger than mine?

Sure. You didn't
know that, Mr. Bunker?

I've got a room,
he got a room...

♪ All God's children
got room ♪

[SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

[INAUDIBLE]

♪ Hmm ♪

Would you cut it out,
Lionel? Jeez.

I ask you
a simple question,

you give me
the Mills Brothers.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get that.

Here we are.

Why can't youse people
do nothing

unless youse
are singing?

Mr. Lorenzo!

[SINGING FANFARE]

Archie, ain't
that wonderful?

What's wonderful?
It's just a cake.

Oh, no, it's not
just a cake, Archibald.

Don't call me
that, huh?

This is
a sublime creation.

Lighter than
the lightest feather.

A Franco Lorenzo
masterpiece.

You made it yourself!

With these
very hands.

A seven-layer cake
with my own secret surprise.

Nine layers.

Oh!

If that cake
is for the Jeffersons,

why are you bringing it
over here?

Oh, the cake
is a surprise, Archie.

I'm gonna take it
over there later.

Thanks, Mr. Lorenzo.
That was real nice of you.

Oh, non fa niente,
Lionel.

I'm only sorry
that I won't be there

to see the ecstasy on your face
when you bite into it.

Oh, why?
Can't you make the party?

No, I'm afraid not,
Lionel.

Irene and I have to
rush down to Miami.

Our oldest boy, Tony, broke
his leg at a football game.

Oh, that's
too bad.

I didn't know
your son played football.

He don't. He was just running
to get a good seat.

Did I have him
fooled?

Ha, ha, ha!
Don't poke me, huh?

No. Don't worry. Tony's fine.
I was just kidding.

Oh, that's good.

But we have to get away
for the weekend.

A sales convention
I promised to attend.

Sorry, Lionel.
No, it's okay.

Which reminds me.

Did you hear about
the salesman

who was crossing the field
and got chased by a bull?

No. What happened?

It was the first time a bull
ever threw the salesman.

Ain't that awful?

Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Stop poking me, huh?

That joke is exactly
years old today.

So, everybody,
all together.

♪ Happy birthday to it ♪

♪ Happy birthday to it ♪

♪ Happy birthday, old joke ♪

♪ Happy birthday to ♪

♪ It ♪

Oh!

Oh, my!
Ain't he clever?

Lionel, here are the plates
your mother asked for.

And wait a minute.

You might as well take
the first batch of cookies.

Hey, Lionel, where's
your Uncle Henry moving to?

Oh, he's opening a cleaning
store up in Dutchess County.

What? Dutchess County?

They ain't gonna
let your uncle in there, Lionel.

Dutchess County
don't even let the Heebs in.

Well, when we
get there,

we gonna let
a whole bunch of them in.

Here are
the cookies.

Oh, thanks, Mrs. Bunker.
See you later.

And besides, Lionel, where
would your uncle get the cash

to go into business
for himself?

Oh, that's easy. He's been
saving his welfare checks.

What, Lionel?

Are you telling me
he's been doing that

while he's working
at the same time?

Sure. Don't you read the papers?
That's how we all get rich.

That kid, he's never
gonna be serious

as long as that
he lives.

But I wonder, Edith,

where would his Uncle Henry get
enough cash to go into business?

Maybe God doesn't like him,
so he made him rich.

Who asked you?

If you went to the party,
you could ask him.

Oh, no.

I ain't setting foot
in no house

where the head
of that house

don't wanna set foot
in this house.

Oh, come on,
Daddy.

Now's the perfect
opportunity

for you and Lionel's father
to get together.

What's so perfect about
getting together with a guy

that treats me as if I was
the one who was the colored guy?

Edith, look at this toast.
It's stone cold.

Oh, I'm sorry, Archie.

It was warm when I made it.

That would have been
a good time

to serve it to me, then,
huh, Edith?

No. You weren't
awake then.

I'm awake now.

Yeah, I know.

Get hot toast!

Yeah. Right away,
Archie.

Daddy, do you have to treat Ma
like she was a sl*ve?

I treat her
like a housewife.

Case closed.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Oh, hello, Louise.

Come in.

Is there something wrong
with the cookies?

No, Edith. The cookies
are just fine.

It's George
that's giving me the problem.

What do you mean?

Well, I thought I could
get away with it just this once.

But he says no integrated
parties in his house.

Oh.

Oh, I wish there was
some other place

we could have the party.

Oh, yeah.
Like over here.

Oh, Edith!

You're a doll!

I'll bring the stuff over
right away.

Oh!

Louise! Oh, no!

Louise?

ARCHIE:
I want hot toast!

Yeah, coming, Archie.
Coming right away.

I'm sorry, Archie,

but Louise
was telling me

that her husband won't allow
the party over at their house.

Oh, well,
that figures.

Trust that guy
to put the kibosh on a party

after promising
to have one over there.

You wouldn't catch me doing that
in a million years.

Oh, Archie!

I'm so glad
to hear you say that,

because I told Louise she could
have the party over here.

You told--?
Stop eating there.

Stop eating there!

You told her that?

Well, get on the blower there
and untell her.

Whoa, whoa!
Here we go again.

You know you're
the last holdout?

Archie, don't you see?
The crisis is over.

What crisis?

Black people have arrived.
They're here.

I ain't
letting them in.

Daddy, not here.

Here!

Congratulations, Meathead.

You finally
drove her nuts.

When are you gonna
wake up to facts, Archie?

Black people are coming on

economically, politically
and socially.

The tide has turned.

That's what I mean when I say
that the crisis is over.

Will you turn
that record over?

And will you do
what I tell ya?

Call them and tell them
they can't have the party here.

Don't do it.
Get on that phone.

Archie--
Get on the phone.

Don't do it, Ma.
On the phone. On the phone.

Don't do it. Don't do it.
On the phone.

Ma, you got rights
in this house too.

We all got a say
in what goes on.

Yeah.
I ain't denying that.

You ain't?

No, Edith.
You got a say.

The little girl's
got a say.

♪ All God's children
Got a say ♪

The colored guy here
has got a say.

And I got a say.

But what I say goes.

Oh, no!
Oh!

Well, all--
Okay. All right.

Fine, Daddy. Then you'll have to
be the one that turns them away.

Your mother invited them.
Oh, yes!

Archie, you're the one that
doesn't want them here.

Tell them they can't come.

Edith--
He's right, Archie.

Well, I ain't gonna
turn them away.

Oh, good!

I'm gonna get the hell
outta here!

Oh, see him running.
Look at him running.

Have your dumb party,
but have it without me.

I ain't gonna be here.
You know why?

Because you're chicken.
Get outta here.

You're scared of meeting
George Jefferson.

Get away.
Look at him running away.

Chicken. Chicken.

[IMITATING CHICKEN]

Ah! Put a lid on it.
Put a lid on it.

Oh, thanks,
Archie.

Here's the pie,
Edith.

And I'll bring
the rest over later,

if I don't get too mad at George
and throw it at him.

What's the matter
now?

Well, he said, "You can give
the party at the Bunkers',"

but he ain't gonna
be at it.

Oh!

George ain't coming
to the party, huh?

Oh, gee.
Ain't that too bad?

[CHUCKLES]

Give him a message for me,
will you, Louise?

Yes, Archie.

Just tell him he's a:

[IMITATES CHICKEN]

[CLUCKS]

Uh, Meathead?

Get outta
the chair.

So, Jefferson, you're going
into business for yourself, huh?

Yeah, Bunker,
there comes a time

when a man's gotta get out
on his own, know what I mean?

Yeah, well, I used to think
about that from time to time

but I didn't wanna let the other
guys on the job down, you know?

Oh, you've really got
a big heart, Archie.

Yeah, well, they all depend
on me down there, you know,

and, uh, one of them's
a colored guy too.

What do you mean "One of
them's a colored guy too"?

Don't tell me all of these years
you've been passing?

You know what I mean.

I mean he's a colored guy
like other colored guys.

And all of them
look alike to you.

Not this guy.
He's ' ".

Hey, Ma, maybe we should
put the food out now.

Don't you think
it's too early?

Not for me, Ma.
I'm ready right now.

Let me help you,
Edith.

And this colored guy
I'm telling you about,

would you believe it,
he makes as much money as me?

Then he must be
twice as smart as you.

How do you
get to that?

Well, that's the way
it works out

any time you got a black and
a white guy doing the same job.

No, it don't work out
that way.

Yes, it does work out
that way.

Any time you got a black guy
and a white guy

going up
for the same job

like, uh,
running for mayor,

if the black guy
wants to get elected,

he knows he's gotta be
twice as smart as the white guy.

Oh, I don't
think so at all.

If you're talking about

that election out there
in California,

no one's gonna tell me that
that guy Bradley

is twice as smart
as the other guy Yorky.

I gotta admit,
this one time, you're right.

You're damn right,
I'm right.

Bradley is times
as smart as "Yorky."

We'll be eating
in a couple of minutes.

That's just stupid
there, Jefferson.

Besides, uh,
getting elected,

there's more to that
than just being smart.

There is, huh?

Then how come we don't have
a black president?

I mean, some of our black people
are just as dumb as Nixon.

You ain't got
a black president, Jefferson,

because God ain't
ready for that yet.

Wait a second.

What?!

That's right.

God's gotta try it out first
by making a black pope,

which he ain't
done yet.

Oh, well, maybe that's
because God ain't Catholic.

We know that,
Lionel.

Can't you men
change the subject?

Yeah,
Gloria's right.

This is no time to be--
I'm talking, Michael.

Oh, boy.

Is that all
you can talk about,

whether a black man or
a white man should be president?

Well, what do you wanna
talk about, little girl?

How about
a woman president?

Oh, holy cow.

A woman president?

Mr. Jefferson, this may come
as a big surprise to you,

but women are much more
oppressed than blacks.

I don't see no ghetto
for women.

What do you call
a kitchen?

I call it
a prison.

Stay out of this, Louise.
You're talking foolish.

Do you know what
Shirley Chisholm said?

Shirley Chisholm said that
she ran into more discrimination

because she was a woman
than because she was black.

That's why she didn't
get elected.

Right.

Because she was
talking foolish.

Mr. Jefferson,
she wasn't talking foolish.

The business world has been
doing the same thing to us now

that they've been doing
to you.

They're hiring
token women.

Well, by the same token,
hire one for me.

Not funny, Michael.

I'll see you later.

Mr. Jefferson,
you've come a long way, baby.

But from now on, it's we women
who have to overcome, right?

You know what I think?
What, Ma?

I think
we ought to eat.

That's right.

And this is
what I like to see.

The women serving it up
and the men eating it up.

Ha, ha, ha!

And look who's first
on the line here.

Oh, oh. Come on,
Mr. Liberal, huh?

How about a little
equal rights

with the serving spoon
here, huh?

Look at him
heaping his plate.

What, have you got friends
on the porch?

I still think
George will come.

After all,
he's your own brother.

Uh, I don't think
he's gonna come, Edith.

He just ain't got none of that,
what do you call,

family unconscious,
you know?

Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

What do you mean
by that, Bunker?

I didn't mean
nothing wrong.

I just meant what
your own Black Panther leader,

what do you call,
Elder Cleavage, said.

I mean, he was
the guy that said

that your black families,
like, they all shot to hell

because you're all
on the streets

when you're
years old.

That's what he said.

How are you gonna
raise a family on the streets

with no beds
or toilets?

Why are you looking at me
that way?

Did I say
something wrong?

Bunker, you know more
about black people

than anybody
I ever met.

Are you sure
that somewhere inside

you don't have one teensy,
weensy drop of black blood?

Come on. I ain't got
none of that. No.

Then how come
you got kinky eyebrows?

I ain't got
kinky eyebrows.

I got my Uncle Roy's
eyebrows.

And I ain't got
colored blood, Lionel.

Yes, you have,
Archie.

What?

It's red.

Go on over there
and mingle, will ya?

The whole point
I'm trying to make

is that, uh, you take
these things like,

what do you call,
loyal and love.

Well, your colored families,
they don't feel them things

like your colorless
families.

HENRY:
Listen.

I got something to say.

Now, gather round,
everybody.

I'm gonna make a toast
to Archie.

EDITH: Oh!
ARCHIE: Yeah.

GLORIA:
A toast for my daddy.

It's been a great experience
living on this street

and watching
this wonderful family

of Edith, Gloria
and Mike.

I wanna thank you,
Bunker,

for letting me know
and letting me see

that some white folks are better
than other white folks.

Well, I wish the whole world
could learn that.

Archie, why don't you
toast Henry now?

Oh, all right,
I will.

GEORGE:
Oh, no, you don't.

Ain't nobody making no toast
to my brother but me.

Who the hell is that?
That's Pop.

Oh!

Let me get that.

Get away from that door,
Meathead. Get over there.

Archie, let him in.

Edith, Edith.
Back. Back.

I'll handle this.

Hey, Jefferson, are you asking
to come into my house?

No, Bunker.

I wouldn't come in there,
not even if you got down

on your hands and knees
and sang "Mammy."

Hey, Jefferson,
I don't blame your kid brother

for leaving home.

If I was your brother,
I'd leave home too.

If you was my brother,
I'd cut my throat.

If I was your brother,
I'd give you the knife.

Oh, come on in,
Pop.

GEORGE: Save your breath,
Lionel.

I wouldn't come in there if he
was the last white man on earth.

Aha! Watch this.
Watch this.

Ha-ha! You're in.

No, I ain't.
I'm out.

If you're on my stoop, that's
the same as being in my house.

Stoops don't count.

Stoops always count.

Stoops never count.
Don't turn your back on me.

Oh, there you are.
That's in.

Now you're in.
You're in for sure.

So, finally,
the great Jefferson,

who always reclined
to cross my threshold

is into the house,

all duded up

with a flower
in his lapel there.

Or is that one of them things
that squirt in your eye?

No, it's real.

I wear a fresh one
every day.

Ah! You don't blow money
on a fresh flower every day.

No! I steal one every day
from a blind flower girl.

He's joking.

George, they don't
know you here.

He's joking.

Louise.

I'll tell them
when I'm joking.

I was joking.

Bunker, I'm just gonna say
what I have to say to my brother

and get out.

I'll gladly hold
the door for you.

Henry,

when I was a kid, I was always
asking Mom for a brother.

You know
how poor we was.

So all we could afford
was you.

Oh, George!
He's kidding.

He's kidding.

Louise.

Never interrupt a man
when he's toasting.

Henry,
all kidding aside,

the trouble with
being a brother

is that sometimes
you can't always say

the things
that you really feel.

You know, like how good it is to
have somebody around to rap to

or somebody
to kind of pick you up,

you know, when you're so low

that you have to reach up
to touch bottom.

Well, you know
I'm not much of a talker.

But there's one thing
that needs to be said.

I love you,
brother.

Oh, man, you're always
doing that.

Stealing everything
that's mine.

Say what?

I was gonna toast
those very words to you myself.

Ah!

Black families
don't feel love, huh, Arch?

Why is it you can always
remember everything

except how to work?

Wasn't that
a nice toast?

Yeah, it was
all right.

You better believe
it was all right.

I thought
it was a nice toast.

I'm just sorry it had to
take place in a h*nky house.

See you later.
We're going to the movies.

All right.

Hey, Arch. What do you think?
Nice, huh?

The sort of way George Jefferson
was wearing one,

I thought
I'd wear one myself.

Oh, well, if that ain't
a dumb Polack move.

On a used w*r surplus
fatigue jacket,

he pins a carnation.

That's how much
you know.

See, that's not a carnation.
That's a water lily.

[♪]

ANNOUNCER:
All in the Family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.