04x07 - Archie and the Computer

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
The hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Hi, Gloria.

Mmm, something
smells good.

What's that?

Sliced tongue.

I was gonna put it in Archie's
lunchbox this morning,

but he said
he wouldn't eat nothing

that come out
of a cow's mouth.

Oh. What did
he want instead?

A couple of
hard-boiled eggs.

Gloria, would you get me
a plastic bag?

Ma, they're right
in front of you.

Oh.

Is something
bothering you?

No, nothing, Gloria.

Are you sure, Ma?

You've been acting kinda funny
for the past few days.

Something on your mind?

No, nothing.

What on earth
would be on my mind?

Well, I don't know, Ma,

but I think you wanna put
the tongue in the refrigerator.

Oh.

Thank you, Gloria.

I better check the table.

I'll help you.

[SNEEZES]

Gesundheit.

Oh, thanks, Mike.

What day is it?

It's Wednesday.

We're gonna get
a letter.

What?

If you sneeze on Monday,
you sneeze for danger,

sneeze on Tuesday,
kiss a stranger,

sneeze on Wednesday,
sneeze for a letter.

I never heard that before.
What's the rest of it?

Sneeze on Wednesday,
sneeze for a letter,

sneeze on Thursday,
something better,

sneeze on Friday,
sneeze for sorrow,

sneeze on Saturday,
see your sweetheart tomorrow.

What about Sunday?

There ain't no sneeze
for Sunday.

Sunday was a day of vowel rest.

Ha, ha, ha.

Sorry.

Gloria, will you help me
clear the table?

Ma, I'm helping you
set the table!

That's right.

Ma!

Ma, are you keeping something
secret from us?

Me, keep secrets from you?

[LAUGHS]

We better find out
what's going on.

Yeah. Ma!

Are you in some kind
of trouble?

No, and I can't
tell you what it is.

Ma!

The letter? Is that what
you're worried about, a letter?

Well, since you guessed
part of it,

I'll tell you the rest.

Here.

Look.

GLORIA: Wow! Look
at all those quarters.

You must've been
saving them for months.

That's a lot of money.

Forty-seven dollars
and cents.

And it ain't mine.

Where did
you get it?

Here, read this.

"Keep in tune
with Sweetheart Prunes."

I sent a coupon
to the prune company

from the box top,

and they're supposed
to send me a free quarter,

and they did.

And the next day,
they sent me another quarter,

and then the next day
it started coming in bunches.

And it's still coming.

You know
what that is?

It's a computer
foul-up.

Yeah, Ma, it's the company's
fault, not yours.

Well, I know, Gloria,
but it ain't right to keep them.

They ain't mine.

It's like stealing.

Ma, Ma, take it easy.

Why don't you just
send the quarters back?

I tried that, Mike,

and every quarter I sent back,
they sent me two more.

They probably just read
the computer wrong.

Well, they never stop.

Maybe they fed it
some Sweetheart Prunes.

Well, I'm gonna tell Archie
about it tonight.

No, Ma, whatever you do,
don't tell Archie!

But I have to.

Ma, if you tell Archie,
he's gonna want to spend it.

And he's got
no right to spend it.

Well, he did eat
most of the prunes.

Ma, I know how hard it is
for you not to blab,

but please don't tell Daddy.

EDITH: Well, hello, Archie.

I'm so glad to see you.

And I've got nothing
to tell you.

What's with her?

Every day this week she's been
nuttier than the day before.

Is something bothering her?

I haven't noticed anything.

Well, you wouldn't
notice nothing

unless it was covered with food.

Gloria, what's the matter
with your mother?

Every morning
she's burning my toast.

You know what happened
last night?

I found her laying over
on my side of the bed.

She's never done that before.
I couldn't believe it.

I jumped in, I thought
I landed on a beach ball.

Edith, get in here!

Dinner in a few minutes.

Wait--
Hey, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Edith.

Edith, I wanna
talk to you now.

Where are you going?

Edith!

Come back here.

Edith.

Come here, come here,
come here, come here.

Stay! Stay!

Now, what is
all this about?

You mean the quarters
from the prune company?

Ma!

Huh?!

Ma, I think you should
go get dinner.

Yeah.
Hey, Edith-- Edith.

Will you stop right--
Get over here and stand still.

Did I just hear you say

something about prunes
and quarters?

Yeah, Archie,
I'll tell you all about it.

But, Ma--
Ma.

Here is the whole story
right in this box.

Jeez, look at all
the quarters here.

Edith! Oh, my God.

How much money is that?

Forty-seven dollars
and cents.

All I done was send in a coupon
to the prune company.

You sent a coupon
to a prune company?

Yeah. And they were supposed
to send me one quarter.

And they did. But then they
started coming every day.

Sometimes four and five,
and I can't stop it.

Why would you
wanna stop it?

[MUTTERS]

Oh, Edith,

I think you found the goose
that laid the golden prune.

Oh, Edith,
I'll tell you what we'll do.

After supper we'll decide
how we'll spend it, eh?

Archie, we can't
spend this money.

It ain't ours.
It didn't come to me honest.

Edith, don't tell me that.

I don't wanna hear nothing
about how you got it.

I don't wanna hear nothing
I gotta deny later.

You know, you sound just like
Haldeman and Ehrlichman.

And you sound like that
Heeb congressman Sam Erving.

Come on.

Don't pay
no attention to them.

What are you
gonna do?

The first thing I want you
to know is I ain't mad at you.

Will youse two
get away from here?

Come over here.

Now, all I wanna
know is this.

You say the quarters
are still coming in?

Oh, yeah, they're
up to $ a week now.

Eight dollars a week?

Edith, let me see,
that is $ a year.

That's-- In years,
that's over $ .

That ain't
counting interest.

No, no, no, no,
forget about the interest.

We can't get that

because that would come
from a savings bank,

see, and there would
be records,

we'd get mixed up with
the Infernal Revenue there.

Archie--

Edith, Edith, Edith.

I know-- I know
what we gotta do.

We gotta do the right thing
with this money.

Good, Archie.

We gotta spend it.

Oh, no, Archie.

We can't spend it.
That money ain't ours.

Edith, Edith, don't say that.
Don't even think that.

Now just turn right around,
go back in the kitchen,

and get dinner
on the table, huh?

Daddy, you got to send that
money back to the prune company!

Shut up, you. Go and help your
mother get dinner on the table.

But, Daddy!

Gloria, we'll get
dinner on now.

You're cheating
that company, Arch.

You're cheating
that company!

Oh, come on.

Don't you think
big companies

are always cheating
little people like us?

What about that big company
last year

offering a free trip to Hawaii
and two free cars

and never delivered on nothing?

You remember that.

Yeah, I remember that.

I told you about it.
Well?

You said, "So what?
That's the American way."

Well, it is
the American way.

And this is
the other American way:

getting even
on that American way.

All right.

Go ahead, go ahead,
cheat the companies,

let the companies cheat you.

Meanwhile, there's no more
human contact left.

The whole country's
being ruled by machines.

Ah, get out of here,
will you?

You're always singing the blues
about the country.

Let me tell you something.

This country ain't
ruled by machines,

this country is ruled
by our president.

There you go, Arch,
proving my point again.

Ah, there he goes,

taking another rap at
poor Richard E. Nixon.

Listen, buddy,

that ain't rapping Mr. Nixon,
calling him a machine.

That's a compliment.
You know why?

Because machines
are great.

And American machines
are the greatest.

American machines are what
keeps this country number one

and ahead of
the rest of the world.

What, do you wanna be
like the Chinks,

counting up things on beads?

Don't you see
what computers are doing?

They're making everything
depersonalized.

I mean, if something goes wrong,
you got a complaint,

wouldn't you rather talk
to a human being face to face?

Sure I would,
but all I got is you.

Dinner.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it.

Well, I was trying
to make a point,

but I guess the one
on your head b*at me to it.

Will you get
away from me?

Arch, don't you see? If things
keep going the way they are,

pretty soon computers will be
doing all our thinking for us.

If computers can do it
better than us,

then what's the difference?

None to you, Arch, because you
haven't been thinking for years.

Listen, buddy, I work for
a living, I don't have to think.

That makes sense.
Ah!

Archie, here's a letter from
the Veterans' Administration,

special delivery.

Well, give me it.

No. It's addressed to me.

Why would the VA
be writing to you?

You ain't a veteran.

I got a death benefit coming.

You got a what?

A death benefit.

A death--?

Edith, that means
you're collecting

on some kind of insurance.

Edith, this is
a red-letter day for us.

Look at this.

Forty-seven dollars
worth of quarters

and now somebody d*ed.

Who d*ed?

You did.

Yes, operator,
I'm still holding.

Here's your toast, Gloria.

Thanks, Ma.

You're looking kind of tired,
you know.

Didn't you sleep well
last night?

Not too good.

I had an awful nightmare
about Archie really being dead,

and he got mad at me.

In the dream?

No, when I woke him up

to make sure he was alive.

Hey, Ma, I got through to
the prune company in Buffalo.

Hello?

Is this Mr. Henderson?

Yeah. Uh, good.

I'm calling you
for my mother-in-law,

Mrs. Archie Bunker.

She sent you a letter
about a week ago.

Right. Right, about the $ . .

Well, she's sending you
a money order by mail.

And--

Hello?

Hello?

H-- Operator?

Who-- Who's this?

A--

What?!

Stolen chickens are loose
on Interstate ?

Who is this?
Who am I talking to?

The Lubbock, Texas,
Police Department?

I don't want to talk to you.

I was talking to
the prune company in Buffalo.

No, I'm not kidding.

Officer, will you get off
the line, please?

We got the lines--

Hello? Who is this?

Oh, Mr. Henderson.
Hi. How are you?

Yeah, we got--

No, forget the chickens!

That wasn't me.
That was some cop in Texas.

Yeah. I was calling you about
the lady with the quarters.

Right.

Now, please, don't send her
any more quarters, all right?

Good. Okay, thank you
very much. Bye.

Thank you, Michael.

It's insanity.

The whole country's
got their lines crossed.

ARCHIE:
Edith, can't you keep
nothing running

in this house?

The bulb in the bathroom
is going dim up there.

I'm shaving
and I don't even know

which part of me
I'm slicing off.

It's not the bulb, Daddy,
there's been another brownout.

Oh, gee, I wish
I could get my hands

on the guy in this city

that cuts the juice
at the wrong time.

It's no guy, Arch,
it's another computer.

They got machines
to figure everything out,

just like they figured out
you were dead.

Lay off that,
will you?

Why are you wearing
a tie today?

Is something special
going on at work?

Yeah, something
very special, Edith.

I ain't going to work.
I'm calling in sick.

Archie, you ain't starting
to feel sick?

Oh, stop it,
I'm fine.

Hey, it's like
the Twilight Zone.

Maybe that letter
got here a little early.

♪ Doo-doo doo-doo
Doo-doo doo-doo ♪

♪ Doo-doo doo-doo
Doo-doo doo-doo ♪

Will you tell your husband
to shut up? I'm fine.

I don't know, Daddy.

You came home yesterday
saying you were half-dead.

[IN UNISON]
♪ Doo-doo doo-doo
Doo-doo doo-doo ♪

♪ Doo-doo doo-doo... ♪

Why don't the two of youse
doo-doo doo-doo out the door?

I haven't had
a sweet roll yet.

Have your sweet roll
on the subway.

Daddy!

Gloria, forget it.
Come on.

Go to work! Go to school!
I'm going.

Where are you going
all dressed up?

I'm going down to
the Veterans' Administration

and you're going with me.

I gotta get
my death wiped out.

That's a lot easier said
than done, Arch.

Once those computers make
a mistake, it's a fact.

I think you're dead.

I thought you was doo-doo-dooing
to the subway.

You know something?

If I wasn't an atheist,

I'd say that
big computer in the sky

is doing everything this week
just to prove my point.

What point?

That machines
are ruining this country.

Look, you're dead,

the subways keep breaking down,

there's a brownout
every other day,

Ma's prunes
keep sending her quarters.

Before I'm trying to get Buffalo
on the phone,

I get Lubbock, Texas.

I think you're dead.

What are you trying to get
Buffalo on the phone for?

I think you're dead too.

ARCHIE: What are you--?
You're dead. You're dead.

What are you trying to get
Buffalo on the phone for?

Why is he trying to get Buffalo
on my phone?

Archie, I asked him to call
the prune company in Buffalo

so they'd stop
sending me quarters.

Say that again.

I asked Mike to call
the prune company in Buffalo

so they wouldn't send me--

Send you quarters.
I heard you!

Why did you do that, Edith?

All that money coming in.

Ah, well, you couldn't
help yourself.

You don't know no better.

At least we got the $ worth
of quarters we can spend, huh?

No, Archie,
we ain't got that neither.

I sent them that
in a money order yesterday.

You done that too,
have you?

[GROANS]

What's the matter,
Archie?

You should've kept the quarters
and sent back the prunes.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Mr. Whitehead.

What are you
doing here?

When loved ones
go to eternal rest,

Whitehead Funerals
are the best.

Oh, that's what
everybody says.

Well, this is quite a surprise.
We don't see you too often.

True, dear lady, true.

Still, time has a way

of bringing us all
together in the end.

Oh, yeah.
Well, come in.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

I want you to know, Mrs. B.,

as soon as I got the news
about good old Arch,

I came right over.

You heard about
the prunes?

Is that what did it?

Well, that's the way
it all started.

Sit down.

Mr. Whitehead, how did
you hear about that?

Yeah, well,
in our business

we got to keep an ear
close to the ground, you know?

You know, undertaking is
a very competitive game.

If you knew what I had to pay
out for those computer lessons--

Really?

But when it comes to a guy
like good old Arch,

who's gonna count
the cost?

Nothing but the best
for the widow Bunker.

Mr. Whitehead,
Archie ain't dead.

And he'll never be dead to me
or you or the boys at the lodge.

And that's why
I have to recommend

nothing less
than a model B casket.

We call it "Peace With Honor."

See, it's a very nice model.

It's a lead bottom,
red satin lining,

with kind of like a starlight
effect under the lid.

Mr. Whitehead,
Archie is still with us.

His spirit will be
with us always.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

More than his spirit.

Look, Mrs. B.,

I know this ain't
easy for you,

but to kind of ease
the pain

of having you come down
to the showroom

to look over the unit,

I brought my sample book
with me.

Now, this here is a picture
of our model "Peace With Honor."

Now, ain't that
something, huh?

No, I think I like the chocolate
box number over here.

What are you
doing here?

I'm just trying
to make a buck.

Your name turned up
on my list.

Yeah, that's just like you,
Whitehead,

trying to get me into the ground
while I'm still twitching.

Come on, Edith!

Archie, look,
it ain't my fault.

Oh, whoa, whoa,
it ain't your fault.

Here, get your coat and let's go
before this guy embalms me.

Archie, can I
give you a lift?

Get away from me!

Sorry to keep you folks waiting,

but I finally found
your file.

Don't worry,
Mrs. Bunker,

we here at the
Veterans' Administration

understand these problems
very well.

Now,

the first thing
I need to know is...

where is your
husband buried?

Her husband
ain't buried.

Well, we'll certainly
take care of that.

Where's the body?

Hey, Mac, I'm the body.
I'm her husband.

Oh, no.

What do you mean, no?

Am I your husband?
Oh, yeah.

I'm her husband.
I'm her husband.

I'm alive,
believe me.

Mr. Bunker,
I believe you're alive.

You believe it,
your wife believes it,

but now we've got to get
the computer to believe it too.

Oh, uh, Dundee here.

Can you get me a quick check
on - - ?

Thank you.

Oh.

You don't know
what we're up against.

We have to wipe out this tape
and reprogram it.

You've given us
a lot of overtime here.

Well, don't blame me, Mac.

I mean, I didn't commit su1c1de.
Your computer bumped me off.

Well, let me show you
just how complicated this is.

This is your card
from our deceased file.

Oh, I hate that.

And each of these little holes
has a meaning all its own.

This is your life,
Archie Bunker.

A bunch of holes?

That's what it comes down to.

And you see that
little hole here?

Yeah?

That's the one
that means you're dead.

Fill that in, will you?

[RINGS]

Hello.

Uh, Dundee. Yes?

What?

Dash -
instead of dash - ?

Well, thank you.

One number out of place.

Mr. Bunker, you're the victim
of a slipped digit.

You're not dead at all.

Well, there.
I'm off the death list anyway.

No, not yet.

Not until you receive official
confirmation in the mail.

Ohh.

Well, ain't this nice?

It means nobody d*ed.

Well, a man
named Archie Binker d*ed.

Oh, that's too bad.

What do you mean,
too bad?

You want me to be dead?

No, Archie, I don't want
nobody to be dead.

Edith, somebody's gotta be dead.
That's life.

What do we have here?

Nothing from the VA,

and that creep Dundee
told me three days ago

he's gonna fill
my hole in.

Is there anything
for me?

No, nothing for you, Meathead.

Just for your mother-in-law.
Sympathy cards.

Those people probably found out
you're still alive.

Who are you talking to
on the phone there?

Uh, excuse me, please.

It's a man from the Welcome Mat
real estate company.

What does he want?

He wants to know
if I wanna sell the house.

He says lots of widows
sell their houses.

Give me the phone.
Give me that phone!

Hello. This is Archie Bunker
talking to you from the grave.

Wish you was here.

When are these creeps
gonna get off my back?

Not until the computer
takes you off the death list.

Arch, it's machines
talking to other machines.

Well, it could be worse, Archie.

Think of poor Mr. Binker.

Yeah,

I'm sitting here waiting for
somebody to tell me I'm alive,

he's laying
in the ground somewheres

waiting for someone
to tell him he's dead.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it.
That's right.

Meanwhile, Archie Binker
is still alive

on hundreds of lists
all over the country.

I'm telling you,

there's no respect
for human dignity anymore.

Pretty soon, we're not gonna
be names, just numbers.

It's .

Ah, shut up. You don't even know
what year it is.

Archie, is a book
written by George Orwell--

Will you
leave me alone?

I'm telling you--
You are giving me a headache.

Here, it's your letter.

What?

From the
Veterans' Administration.

Give me that letter.
Here it is.

What are you
talking about here?

Let me see.

Here, Edith,
I can't read it.

I haven't got my glasses here.
I'll read it.

All right, Meathead,

see what the computer
turned up here, huh?

You're knocking
a computer.

Turn your ears this way.
Listen.

All right, Edith,
read it from the top line.

"Veterans' Administration,
May--"

No, don't read the letterhead.

Start where it says "Dear Sir."

It don't say "Dear Sir."

Well, whatever it says, Edith!

"Dear Alice Bunker..."

What?

At least you're not dead,
Miss Bunker.

Hello? May I speak
to Mr. Henderson, please?

Oh, hello, Archie.
How was your day?

Who are you on the phone to?

The prune company in Buffalo.

What, they're sending you
more quarters?

No. Now they're
sending me prunes.

[♪]

ANNOUNCER:
All in the Family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.