04x08 - The Games Bunkers Play

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
The hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

How is everything,
Archie?

Well, Edith,
the chicken

could have stood
a little more cooking.

I thought it was delicious.

How would you know delicious?

You shovel it
into your face so fast

it hits your stomach

before your mouth has a chance
to know what it tastes like.

The chicken was
a little underdone,
Ma.

What do you mean underdone?
It was alive.

It was fighting me
all the way down.

Daddy, you're
exaggerating.

It's okay. Your mother's dessert
took charge, though.

The apple pie is
now holding him down.

The ice cream
is freezing him to death.

Oh, Ma!
Ma, it's getting late.

You know, we better
clear the table

'cause Lionel
and the Lorenzos
will be here soon.

Oh, I almost
forgot about that.

Yeah, I'll get
the game ready.

Arch,
you want to play?

Nah. What is it?

It's
a new game.

It's called
Group Therapy.

Is it anything
like Monopoly?

No, no, no, no.
This is an adult game.

I ain't playing nothing dirty.

It's not dirty, Arch.
It's a psychological game.

I mean, if you play
this thing right,

you can really learn
a lot about yourself

and the people
you're playing it with.

Oh, "the people, the people."
It sounds left-wing to me.

Anything after George III
is left-wing to you.

Arch, it's
a very simple game.

You pick a card
when it comes your turn,

you read it and then
you do what it says.

I think you're gonna
like the game, Daddy.

It can get
very exciting.

Yeah, I doubt it.

Look, there ain't
no dice there,

no money,
no boardwalk,
no nothing there.

Some little card
with writing on it.

Oh, yeah.

I forgot to tell you, Arch.

That's the hard part.
You have to know how to read.

Let's see what it says. Ah...

"Do an interpretative dance
to show the way you feel--"

Oh, jeez, listen to this.

"To show the way you feel when
you think nobody likes you."

Get out!

Daddy, the dance is
just a device

to show your true feelings,
instead of talking.

I can show my true feelings
without talking. Look...

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Archie, you used to
like to dance.

With girls, Edith,
not with myself.

What else
you got over here?

This says, uh...

"Discuss the part of your body
you are the most proud of."

All right!

Where are
you going?

I ain't playing.
That's where I'm going.

Aw, come on, Daddy.
Don't be a party pooper.

Stay and play
the game with us.

I'll tell you what I'll do
for you, little girl.

I'll give you my interpretative

of a guy going down to Kelsey's
for a couple of beers.

♪ Too-doo too-doo
Too-doo doo ♪

MIKE:
Oh, you're gonna
love this game.

It gives us a chance

to be completely open
and free with each other.

We can let
everything out.

Well, that should be
right down my alley.

Italians never
hold anything in.

We let out so much
that the mouth can't
handle it alone.

The hands have to carry
the rest of the load.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, I'll
get that.

EDITH:
I'll bet
that's Lionel.

Yeah, probably.

ALL:
Hey, Lionel!

Come on in,
Lionel!

Here, let me get you
a chair. Sit over here.

Ooh, and Lionel,
by the way,

I gotta tell you
about this article
in Harper's.

It's all about
urban tensions.

Covers the whole
black problem.

Oh, really? I always thought
it was a white problem.

Hey, hey. funny.
Funny, Lionel.

Here.
Here's a card.

What are these
cards for?

Oh, these are
the voting cards.

You see, if you feel that
somebody's being honest,

you see,
then you vote With It.

And if you feel that
they're not telling the truth,

then you vote
Cop Out.

See? It's very simple.
Ma, why don't you start.

Take a yellow card,
stand up and read it
out loud.

Oh, all right.

"Name the person in the world
you would most like

to look like
and tell why."

That's easy.
Katharine Hepburn.

MICHAEL:
Hey!

Why, Ma?

Well, in the first place,

her hair and her eyes
are a lot like mine

so I don't think Archie

would mind too much
if I looked like her.

And then, I love the way
she talked in them old movies.

You know, like she was kind of
running out of breath.

[BREATHILY]
Hello, darling.

I'm so glad to see you
and I love you very much.

MICHAEL:
Oh, that's
terrific!

Great. I vote With It.
What do you say?

ALL:
Yeah!

MICHAEL:
Absolutely, Ma.

Thank you,
everybody.
It's unanimous.

You get five With Its.
One, two, three,
four, five.

Who wants to go next?
FRANK: Me!

I'll go next.
Okay. Go ahead,
Frank.

"Discuss the part of your body
you are most proud of."

That's a snap.

It is? It wasn't
such a snap for Archie.

For me,
it's easy.

Go ahead, Frank.
The world is waiting.

All right,
all right.

The part of my body

I am most proud of
is...my nose.

Your nose?

Don't laugh!
They don't make noses
like this anymore.

They don't make Edsels
anymore either.

You don't hear Ford
bragging about it.

Let me give you
the full view.

Observe the nose.

Notice how it cuts out,
down and under,

like a Roman eagle.

And behold the full flare
of the nostrils,

proudly proclaiming,
"Leave the breathing to us."

I got With It.

IRENE:
Oh, no, no.

He's copping out.
Frank, you're copping out.

It's not your nose
you love the most.

Irene, I got four
With Its.

No, no, wait a second.
That's part of the game.

If Irene can persuade us
that you're copping out,

then we can change
our votes.

That's in the rules.

Now, Irene, if it's not his nose
he loves the most, what is it?

It's his body.

Irene,
cut it out.

He loves that body?

Well, actually,
it's his skin.

It's soft and smooth
like a baby's bottom.

[LAUGHS]
Irene.

He hasn't got a hair
on his chest.

Irene,
cut it out, huh?

He takes about
a half-hour to put
his shirt on in the morning.

He hates to cover up
all that beauty.

A half-hour to put my shirt on?
It only takes me minutes.

Oh. Then you do
love your body

more than you love
your nose,

so I give you
a Cop Out.

Cop Out, Frank.

Hey, Lionel, why don't you
give one a try?

Okay.

"Choose a member of the group.

"Now standing back-to-back
and pushing each other,

tell him why it is hard
for you to be direct with him."

It's too bad, Lionel.
Archie's not here.

You'll have to pass.

No, no. I choose you.

Me?
Yeah, yeah.
Come on.

FRANK:
Come on!
Go ahead.

Fine.
What the heck?
I'm game.

All right, let's see.
Standing back-to-back.

Here we are.

Now tell me why
it's hard for you
to be direct with me.

Well, look what's
happening.

The card said push.
You're not pushing.

Well, I-I don't want
to knock you off balance.

Well, would you
push harder if
I was white?

What?

Well, I mean, you're always
bending over backwards
for me.

I can't even get into
a good argument with you,

you're so quick
to agree with me.

Well, Lionel,
we're supposed to
be friends.

Yeah, well, that's why
I'm telling you this.

You gonna push?

Fine. I'll push.

Yeah, just once I'd like
for you to talk to me

like I was
Lionel Jefferson,

and not a representative
of the whole black race.

Oh, come on, Lionel,
I don't do that!

Sure! What's the first thing
you say whenever I see you?

Always something about
the black problem, right?

Well, what do you want me
to talk about, the weather?

Sometimes, yeah.

I mean, black people have
weather too, you know.

I mean, we get rained on
and everything.

Now, look,
Lionel.
Enough!

I'm sorry.

Jeez, you really had me
faked out there.
What an act.

But I didn't believe it,
Lionel. No, sir.

I didn't believe
one word you said.

I vote Cop Out.
What does everybody
else say?

FRANK AND IRENE:
With It. With It.

I vote With It.

How can you--?
That's ridiculous!
You saw the way--

Michael, that's four
With Its.

All right, fine.
Four With Its.

Good. One, two,
three, four.

But I vote Cop Out.
One back.

I can't believe you
bought that.

Michael, isn't this game great?
It's just like you said.

You just learned
a lot about yourself.

Yeah, yeah, Gloria.
I learned a whole pile.

I learned that Lionel
could fake you all out. Fine.

Go ahead, Gloria.

It's your turn.
Sheesh.

Okay.

"Pick the person closest
in the group to you

and tell them something
you think will help them."

Okay.

Ma, I don't want
to embarrass you--

Hey, ah,
ah, ah.

Gloria, uh,
what are you doing?

Talking to Ma.

I know.
You should be
talking to me.

Why?

The card said, "Pick the person
closest in the group to you."

That-- That's me,
your husband.

Michael,
don't be silly.

You're both
very close to me.

Gloria, you're
missing the point!

The card says,
"Pick the person," see,
"closest in the group."

Michael, you're
being so picky.

Closest! Closest!

Gloria, Mike,
please don't
fight over me.

I'm not
fighting, Ma.

I'm just
trying to get
your daughter

to play
the game right,
that's all.

Michael,
don't be ridiculous.

I'm not being
ridiculous, Gloria.

I am your husband.
I am in this group.

I am the closest.

If you have anything
to say, you say it
to me.

All right,
I'm sorry.

Michael, I think
the dresses

you've been wearing
make you look older.

You satisfied?

No, I am not
satisfied, Gloria,

because you should have
come to me first.

Am I right,
Ma?

Gloria, do you really think
this dress makes me look older?

Ma, I'm trying to
make a point here!

Oh, Michael.

You've made your point.
I'll pass my turn.

What are you acting
like this for, Gloria?

It's all right.
I'll go next time.

Will you excuse me,
please?

Ooh, I beg
your pardon.

Gee, I can't
believe the way
you're acting, Gloria.

Whose turn
is it?

It's my turn.

Gloria, does my hair
look old too?

GLORIA:
Take a card,
Michael.

Gloria, just because

I'm trying to play
the game by the rules--

Michael, would you
pick a card, damn it!

Bad attitude,
Gloria.

Very bad attitude.
Very bad.

Hey, hey.
Come on, kids.

We're getting away
from the game.

Come on.
Come on,
pick a card.

I'm sorry.
Here, it's my turn.

"Stand up and tell the group
what makes you mature."

Haa!

GLORIA:
Oh!

I'll ignore that, Gloria.

I'll ignore that

because that is
part of my answer.

I feel that
I'm mature because...

I'm open-minded.

I'm tolerant of
the other guy's opinions.

[LAUGHING]

That I'm not
going to ignore.

She gave you a little
zingeroo there, huh?

MIKE:
Hey, Frank!

What are you
egging her on for?

What's so funny,
Gloria?

"Tolerant of
the other guy's opinion."

I'm just thinking
about you and Daddy.

Gloria, how do you expect me
to be tolerant of Archie?

The man is a walking monument
to intolerance.

Mike!

I'm sorry, Ma.
I'm just being honest.

Which is another part
of maturity.

How many With Its do I get?

LIONEL:
No, no.
Hey, wait, wait.

Wait, wait.

Now, a -year-old kid
can be honest,

but does that
make him mature?

Lionel, are you calling me
a -year-old kid?

Hey, don't you
take your hostilities
out on me

just 'cause
you're mad at Archie.

What are you talking--?
Archie's not even here!

Just remember, Lionel,
he is the one

that doesn't want blacks
in this neighborhood.

I'm not the bigot
in this house. He is!

Yeah, but he doesn't
know any better.

I don't accept
that kind of reasoning.

No, sir, Lionel.
I don't accept that
at all.

Oh, boy. Now, there's
a show of tolerance.

You sound
just like Daddy.

Okay. Okay, fine.

Fine. That's it.
All right.

I pass. I pass.

I'm tolerant enough to know
that you're all dead wrong,

but I'm not gonna
spoil the game.

LIONEL:
No, wait.

It is just a game.
Don't take it so seriously.

Forget it,
will you, Lionel?

Come on,
let's play the game.

Are we gonna have fun
or not?

Irene, it's your turn.

Let's have fun!

"Sit on the lap
of the person here

"who makes you
the most nervous

and tell 'em why."

Oh.

Irene!
I make you nervous?

Mike, look, you know
how much we like you,

but you are
making me very tense

because you're
getting so uptight
about this game.

How can you say that, Irene?
I'm not uptight!

I vote Cop Out.

I give her
a With It!

You people with the With Its.

All right, fine, With It.

Here we go.
One, two, three, four.

MICHAEL:
I vote Cop Out.
One back.

How can you people say
I'm uptight?

Do I look uptight?

I'm not uptight!

Jeez!

I'm glad it's Ma's turn.

Here, Ma.

[SCOFFING]

All right.

"Say something to someone
which you have never said before

but which you would
like to say."

I don't like this one.

Come on, Edith,
say it. Come on.

You'll feel better.

I don't think I will.

Ma, don't pass
your turn.

Come on!
We can take it.

All right.

Mike, I don't
like the way

you've been acting
so stuck-up lately.

What?

Well, I think it's mean
to make fun of Archie

and call him names
the way you do.

Ma, you're saying that
to me? Me?

Well, you're right, Mike.

You sure can take it.

Will you just
stay out of this,
Lionel?

I'm talking to my
mother-in-law.

Ma, you know all the dumb,
stupid things Archie says.

How do you expect me
to take the man seriously?

Come on, Ma!
I have a brain!

If you was really
smarter than Archie,

you'd be smart enough
not to let him see

that you're smarter
than him.

Oh, she's
got you there.
Zing!

Hey, wait a second!

Wait a second here!

What is with you people?

What are you
all ganging up
on me for?!

We're not
ganging up on you.

Can't you believe
the fact

that she is
right?

She's right, huh?

All right. All right.

Fine.

I don't want
to play anymore.

I don't understand you,
Michael.

You're the one
that started
this whole thing.

You're the one
that wanted to
play the game.

But, Gloria, they weren't
playing that game.

They were playing
Get Mike Stivic.

And you were one
of the worst offenders.

Me?

Yes, you. "Pick the one
that's closest to you."

Pick your mother, not me.

Oh, Michael,
don't you understand,

you can love
two people

at the same time
in different ways?

Yeah. I understand, Gloria.
You love your mother more.

I didn't say that!

All right.
Let's get down to
real basics.

Okay, Gloria?

There's a storm
at sea.

The boat overturns
and your mother and I
are drowning.

Which one of us
would you save?

Oh, Michael, don't pull
that old one on me--

No, just answer
the question!

Which one of us
would you save?

That is not
a fair question.
Why not?

Because I can't swim.

Fine, Gloria. Make jokes.
Avoid the issue.

That's okay.

You know what
your problem is, Michael?

You can't take criticism.

You can dish it out,
but you can't take it.

Gloria, I can take criticism
when it is constructive,

but that down there
was persecution!

Did you hear what
your mother called me?

What?
She called me
an idiot.

I didn't hear that!

Gloria, she said I wasn't
as smart as Archie.

That makes me an idiot.

You listen--
I don't want to
listen anymore

Gloria. Leave me alone.
GLORIA: Come on, be reasonable.

They're still
fighting.

I wish we'd never
started that game.

What are you
doing, Irene?

Something you
ought to try, Edith.

It relieves
the tension in your
shoulders and back.

You just take
all the bones
out of your arms.

Come on, try it.

Oh, all right.

Hey, Mrs. Bunker?

EDITH:
Yeah, Li--

Oh! Excuse me.

Uh, Frank can't find
the tea bags.

Oh, in the right-hand cupboard,
in the coffee can.

Oh, uh, not in
the coffee can

with the coffee
in it.

In the empty coffee can
with the tea in it.

I don't know
how we missed it.

Oh, Mike,
I'm so glad
you came back down.

And I'm sorry
if I upset you before.

No, no. Ma, really,
it's all right.

It was all
my fault.

Oh hello. Look who's back.
You're just in time for tea.

I'll get two more cups.

Uh, uh, Frank,
before you do that...

would everybody sit down
for just one second?

I have something
I want to tell you.

EDITH:
Oh, all right.

Come on,
everybody sit down.

Just one minute.

Uh...Gloria and I
had a calm, quiet talk
upstairs and...

I realized that
I behaved stupidly.

Oh, no, Mike.

No, no, no, Ma.
That's the word: stupid.

I should have been adult enough
to take the criticism.

I just want to say
that I apologize

and tell you
I'm very sorry.

We understand.
Mike, come on.

You don't have
to apologize.
No, really, Ma.

So you picked on me a little.
I mean--

LIONEL:
Hey, Mike.

What do you mean, "picked
on you?"
Did I say "picked"?

I-I didn't mean that.

What I meant was maybe
some of the things you said

were a little
uncalled for.

Well, now, if they were
uncalled for,

I wouldn't have
said 'em.

Lionel, why are you jumping
on every word I say?

I didn't mean that either.

Forget it! Gee, you can't even
make an apology around here.

Michael,
don't get excited.

Haven't you
learned anything?

Gloria, I tried
to apologize, didn't I?

Yes, you did, Michael.
And you were beautiful.

Now, come on, everybody.
Let's have some tea.

Irene, but you're missing
the whole point completely.

I admit it,
I overreacted.

But the point is,
anybody would have done
the same thing

if they had been hit
as hard as I was.

Will you forget it?

Hey, do you admit
I was right?

Yeah, sure.
Have some tea.

Hey, don't
patronize me, Lionel.

Michael,
please!

Stay out of this,
Gloria.

I'm making
a point here.

Lionel, I want to
see you say something
to somebody here

that you've never
said before but
you'd like to say.

Oh, come on.
The game's over.

Mike, have
some tea.

I don't want
any tea, Frank.

Leave me alone!

Come on, say something
to somebody here

that you've
never said before.

Pick somebody.

Okay.

Mrs. Bunker,
I have something
I'd like to say to you.

All right,
Lionel.

I don't know
how to say this.

Oh, come on, Lionel.
Don't cop out.

Mrs. Bunker...

when we first moved here,
I was kind of scared.

My whole family
was scared.

But because of the way
you made us feel welcome,

we knew that
no matter what,

we had one good friend
in this neighborhood.

I don't know why
it took so long

to tell you this,
but I'm very grateful.

Oh, thank you,
Lionel.

That's it?

You don't have anything
more you want to
say to her?

No.

Well, what about
the criticism?

I don't have any.

But criticism
is the whole point
of this game!

There's no fun
without it.

Yeah. And so far
you've been a barrel of fun.

Don't start with me,
Frank.

I'm the only one
who's opened up
here tonight.

All we know about you
is that you love your nose
and your pretty chest.

Why don't you
pick on somebody here?

I would, but I can't think
of anything I want to say.

Nothing? There's nothing
bottled up inside of you?

Nothing you want to say to
anybody? Not even your wife?

Come on, Frank, you've been
married for over years!

There must be something
you want to say to her.

What about your sex life?

Isn't there something
you want to say about that?

Aha! My sex life.
You bet I have.

I'm glad
you brought it up.

Irene, thank you.

This is ridiculous!
This is totally
ridiculous!

I don't even know
why I bother to
come down here.

Michael,
don't cop out
by going upstairs.

Ho, ho, ho!

Don't you talk to me
about copping out,
Gloria.

I am the only one who has played
this game honest tonight.

That's right.

I thought we could
get together,

have a nice game
without Archie here.

But as it turns out,
I'm playing the game
with five Archies,

and every one
of you is worse
than the real one.

Michael, right now
you sound worse than
Daddy ever sounded.

How can you say that
to me, Gloria?

You know the way
the man talks to me.

He never even
says hello.

The first thing out
of his mouth is "Get away
from me, Meathead."

Michael, you know
you yell at Daddy just
as much as he yells at you.

Gloria, it's different.
It's self-defense.

He forces me
to yell at him.

Mike, I don't think you yell
at Archie because of Archie.

I think you yell at him
because of you--

Ma, what are you
talking about?!

Will you let her finish?

I'd like to hear
what she has
to say.

Yes, but she's not
making any sense!

That's another problem
with you, man.

You never let anybody talk.

Oh. Oh, thank you,
Lionel.

Thank you. Fine.

Is that what
everybody wants,
for her to talk?

Okay.

All right, Ma.
You talk,
I'll listen.

Go ahead, Ma, talk.

Well...I remember a story
we learned in school once

about a man who saved
another man's life.

Ma, what has this
got to do with anything?

Oh, Mike, will you
give her a chance?

Would you
let her talk?

Frank, stay out of this now.
Don't you tell me to stay out.

If I had a son
like that--

You've got a son
like that!

Yeah, whose fault is it
that they behave like him?

BOTH:
Yours!

GLORIA:
Mr. and Mrs. Lorenzo,

please
don't fight.

No, no, Gloria.
This is beautiful.

Don't stop them.
This is the first time

some truth is coming out
in their relationship.

Go ahead, k*ll each other.

Wait, wait, wait.

What were you saying
about saving
somebody's life?

Yeah, this man saved
another man's life.

And the man who was saved,
instead of being thankful,

got madder and madder
at the man who saved him.

And the moral of the story--
MICHAEL: All right, Ma.

What you're trying to say

is that I resent Archie
because I owe him so much.

Well, I've told him
a hundred times

I'd pay him back
with interest, every cent.

Now, excuse me,
please.

Oh, no, wait.

Wait a minute, Mike.
I ain't finished.

There's more to
the moral than that.

Now, the teacher said
that what the story
really meant was

that if you owe somebody
an awful lot,

you begin worrying
that you'll never
be able to pay 'em back,

and that makes you
resent that person
even more.

You see
what I mean?

I'm going to the kitchen.

I think that I'd better
have another talk with him.

Oh, no, Gloria.
Let me.

Excuse me.

Mike!

I'm all right,
Ma.

Out there,
I told you why
you yell at Archie.

Don't you want to
hear why Archie
yells at you?

Ma...

I know why
he yells at me.

He hates me.

Oh, no, Mike.

Archie yells at you
'cause he's jealous
of you.

Ma, I don't want
to listen to this!

Oh, now, wait a minute.
You will listen to me!

Archie is jealous
of you.

Oh, come on,
Ma.

Now, that ain't hard
to understand.

Mike, you're
going to college

and you got
your whole life
ahead of you.

Archie had to quit school
to support his family.

He ain't never gonna
be nothing more than
he is right now.

But you, you got
a chance to be anything
you want to be.

That's why Archie's
jealous of you.

He sees in you
all the things that
he could never be.

So the next time
Archie yells at you,

try to be a little
more understanding.

Now, you think
that over.

And when you're ready,
come back in here with us

and be with
our friends.

Keep away from me,
Meathead.

Oh, are they still
all here?

Get away from me.

Arch, uh...

I want to
tell you something.

Oh, what?

I understand.

ANNOUNCER:
All in the Family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.