04x14 - Archie is Cursed

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
The hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Oh, my. I'll never get over
how smart she is.

Who?

"Dear Abby."

She gives me a pain in the neck.

She's so clever.

She knows the answer
to every question.

In all the years
I've been reading her,

not once did she ever say,
"I don't know."

Or even,
"Let me think about that."

She ain't so smart.

She sets herself up
with them things.

You don't think
she picks them letters

out of the mail at ransom,
do you?

What do you mean?

I mean she takes the easy ones,

like, for instance, I seen, uh,

"Dear Abby, I'm a young girl
nuts about a guy.

"I want to marry him.

"My mother says yes,
my father says no.

What should I do?
Signed, Unhappy."

Oh, my, that's
a hard question.

I wouldn't know how
to answer that one.

Jeez, I would.

I'd say, "Dear Unhappy,

"do what your old man
tells you.

"He knows what
he's talking about.

That's how he got
to be your father."

I wonder what Dear Abby does
when she has a problem.

Who cares, Edith?

Maybe she writes to Ann Landers.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Now, whoever that is,

I don't want somebody
in here on my day off.

Oh, hi, Irene!
Hi, Edith!

Ooh, hello, Archie.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I bet that means, "Who needs
her around on my day off?"

Oh, Archie didn't mean that,
did you, Archie?

Don't ever argue
with a guest, Edith.

That was a shot,
wasn't it, Archie?

Yeah, that's right, Irene.

One of my sad expressions.

Listen, Edith, as soon
as Frank gets ready,

we're going to
the Museum of Natural History.

You wanna go with us?

No.

Oh, I'd love to go.

I ain't been there
since the sixth grade.

I'll go up
and change.

You sure you don't
wanna come along, Archie?

Ah, what for?

Go all the way into the city

to see a bunch of dead bones

standing around doing nothing.

I don't get you, Archie.

Don't you have any interest
in learning about the past?

Certainly I have interest
in learning about the past,

like, for instance, right here
I'm reading Sports Illustrated.

Why do you think
I'm doing that?

This is full
of the past here.

I'm looking over
last year's batting averages,

all the records
of championship teams.

All of that is what you call
"histororical" matter.

Pretty good magazine.
You oughta read it.

Only lately they've been
giving over too many pages

to women in sports.

And why shouldn't they?

Because women ain't
important in sports.

What about all the women who won
gold medals at the Olympics?

Oh, don't talk about them,
will you?

I seen them dames on TV.

They look more like
a bunch of lumpy men.

I thought they looked
very attractive.

Ah, come on, will you, Irene?

Even the judges couldn't
figure them out.

They had to give them...

What do you call,
hermone tests.

They found out most of them had
more hismones than hermones.

That's like my saying
that all men are idiots

because one of them says
so many stupid things.

All I'm saying is

that women shouldn't be messing
around with men's sports,

because a man could beat
a woman any old time.

You mean like Bobby Riggs
beat Billie Jean King?

I don't even think
that tennis is a man's sport.

When I think of a man's sport,

I think of a sport where
you get some bones broke.

Like football.

That's right.

I think getting
bones broke is stupid.

Hey, Irene, ain't you got
no love for your country?

I must have missed something.

I thought we were
talking about football.

Football is your country!

Football is the only sport the
commies ain't stolen from us.

It's why you can travel
all over the civilized world

and you won't find
an all-American

any place but right here
in the good old U.S. of A.

Tell me, Archie.

What manly games
do you play?

Well, I used to play
a little football.

I played
a lot of baseball.

I still bowl
in the men's league.

I sh**t pool.

Pool?
That's right, pool.

You any good at it?

[LAUGHS]

I hold my own.

Do you think
you could beat a woman?

With one eye closed,
one hand tied behind my back

and a bad case
of the flu.

Okay, I challenge you.

You challenge me?
You're crazy, Irene.

I'm serious.

Oh, come on,
will you?

Anyway, a gentleman don't
play pool with no woman.

I got $ says
I can beat you.

You're on!

Ten bucks puts a whole
different complexity

on the situation, Irene.

Just let me call up Kelsey's bar

and see if that pool table
is free for a little action.

Oh, not right now. We're going
to the museum in a few minutes.

Oh, come on. You said
you'd play me for bucks.

Don't be copping out now.

Nobody's copping out.

We'll go to
the museum later.

Yeah, all right.

Kelsey?
Yeah, Archie Bunker here.

Hey, is the table
gonna be free down there?

Oh, it is. Ah, great.

I got a pigeon I gotta pluck
for about bucks.

Yeah, a lady pigeon.

What you call a pigeoness.

No, no. She challenged me.

[LAUGHS]

Kelsey's hysterical
on the line here.

No, no, no.
You know her.

Frank Lorenzo's wife,
Irene.

Oh, hold on.
I'll ask her.

Kelsey wants to know if he can
have $ worth of the action.

Tell him I accept.

Hey, Kelsey, you just
won yourself five bucks.

Yeah, we'll be right down.

Come on, Irene.
Let's go.

I'll be back
in a few minutes.

I just want
to change my shoes.

What, are you gonna play
with your feet?

Well, I could. And I think
I'd still beat you.

Oh, Irene, I'm still waiting.
Aren't we going to the museum?

Later. I got a date
to sh**t pool for money.

No kidding?
Who's the pigeon?

Minnesota Fats
over there.

Archie, are-- Are you
really gonna play Irene?

Yeah. What are you
laughing about?

[LAUGHS LOUDLY]

Okay, come on.
Don't-- Don't poke me, huh?

Yeah, I'm gonna play Irene. It's
gonna cost you a little dough.

The bucks she bet with me
and five bucks with Kelsey.

Ooh, is that all you're betting?
She let you off easy.

Ah, get out of here.
She don't stand a chance.

Archie, she's good.
She even beats me.

So what?
You're only a cook.

You wouldn't know a rack of
balls from a bowl of zucchini.

Archie, she's played a lot of
pool and beat a lot of people.

Yeah? Well, I'll tell you
something, Frank.

I'm gonna beat
the pants off of her.

And you ought to
thank me for that

because then you can
start wearing them again.

What's that
supposed to mean?

I only mean that she's a woman
who spends all day at home

banging nails into the walls and
messing around with the plumbing

and challenging me
to sh**t pool.

She's more manly
than womanly.

You take that
back, Archie!

Because where
I come from,

if a man talks like that
about another man's wife,

he don't talk again
for a long time!

Jeez, what are you gonna do,
gag me with your apron?

You-- You talk about Irene
behind her back,

but I'm gonna say this
to your face.

If you have any doubts
about my wife being a woman,

it's because you're worried
about yourself being a man.

Hey! you're talking to
a veteran of WWII over here.

I don't care who you are.

Take back what
you said about my wife.

All I'm saying is that
your wife ain't satisfied

with being a woman,
she wants to be a man too.

That's it! You insult me,
you insult my family.

You insult my family,
you insult my honor.

Take this! Malocchio!

What the hell
is that?

A Sicilian curse,
the evil eye.

Malocchio, malocchio,
malocchio!

Well, I'll just give you a New
York curse, the waving fingers.

What's going on?

Hey, hey, hey.

You got any questions
about me being a man,

ask my witness,
ask her.

Ask me what?

Oh, stay out
of this.

Hello.

I'm surprised
at you, Archie.

You call yourself
a man? A man?

And that's the way you talk
about your neighbor's wife?

All right, Frank,
don't get excited!

If it'll make you feel better,
I'll admit it, Irene is a---

A woman.
All right!

That's better.
Yeah.

Is that what you
wanted to know, Archie?

I could've told you that.

Yeah,
so could I.

You're not
very observant, Arch.

Oh, get lost,
will you?

Where is Irene?
We was going to the museum.

She'll be right back.

Yeah, but before
she goes to the museum,

she's gonna sh**t a game of pool
with me for bucks.

Ohh! I didn't know
Irene played pool.

Well, she says
she does.

But I'm gonna
teach her a lesson.

After this, she'll
keep her big yap shut.

Malocchio!

What, again?

Yes. The malocchio
is on again.

Oh, gee. What's
supposed to happen?

I don't know,
but something will.

The malocchio works
like a knuckleball.

You never know
what it's gonna do. Voom!

Can you imagine this guy

believing in that kinda
superstitious bunk?

Sure, Arch. A lot of people
believe in magic spells.

I mean, there's even magic
in the Bible.

Aw, shut up, you atheist, you.

You know nothing
about the Bible.

The Bible is full of miracles,
no magic.

God would never fool around
with no magic.

What about the story
of Sodom and Gomorrah?

I mean, didn't God turn Lot's
wife into a pillar of salt?

That's right, because
when she was running away

from them two dirty cities,

she stopped to take
a look at her behind.

Okay, I'm ready.

Let's go,
come on.

Okay, let's go.
Let's go.

Oh, Edith,
about the museum--

Oh, yeah, I've heard. You and
Archie are gonna play pool.

I'll go along
and watch.

Are you ready,
Archie?

Hey, hey, hey.
Ah, what's this?

Irene, I didn't know
you played the clarinet.

Hey, that ain't
the clarinet.

It's a carrying case
for a private pool cue.

See that? You put
them two together.

I didn't know you had
a private pool cue, Irene.

Sure. Don't you?

No.

I remember,
I saw Paul Newman

carry one of them
in The Rustler.

Oh, no.

That was called The Hustler.

Hey, Arch, I'll bet you a buck
she can take you.

Save your money.

Just because her old man
can afford to buy her

a private pool cue
don't mean she's no pool shark.

He didn't buy it
for me. I won it.

Huh?
Yeah.

Look at that plaque.

"To Irene Lorenzo, first prize,
Hudson Billiard Academy."

Archie, you wanna
make that two bucks?

Get outta here!

You're gonna lose.

Okay,
let's sh**t pool.

Let's go. Come on, let's go.
Come on, Archie.

Yeah, all right,
all right, yeah. Go ahead.

Yeah, go ahead, all of you.
I've just gotta get my hat here.

I just, ah--

[SCREAMS]

Archie,
what's the matter?

Oh! Oh!

Somebody better
pick up my hat for me.

What's wrong?
I can't bend over.

Archie, it's
your back again.

The back is out.

The curse is on.

And the game is off.

I just can't get it
through my head, Ma.

Daddy actually claims
that his back hurts

because he was cursed?

Yeah.
By the evil eye.

Yeah, it's more like
an evil cue stick.

I heard that,
Meathead.

And let me
tell you something,

I got a real pain
here in my back.

Now don't give me
another one where I sit.

Easy. Easy, Edith.
Easy, now. Don't hurt me.

You're hurting me!
I said, "Don't hurt me!"

Daddy, if the pain
is that bad,

maybe you oughta
go see a doctor.

Oh, a doctor ain't
gonna do me no good.

Well, how do you
know that, Archie?

He would examine you
and take X-rays.

Edith, the curse
don't show up on an X-ray.

Arch, you're not cursed.
You're just faking it.

I ain't faking it.

This is a real pain here.

Nn-nn!

Can't you hear that?

Maybe the pain
is, um--

Oh, are you thinking
it's psychosomatic?

Yeah. It's all
up here.

Oh, cut it out.
I ain't got nothing up here.

It's all down here.

I can't argue with that.

Who asked you?

Daddy, why don't you
just admit

you're afraid of
losing a game to a woman?

Why is my daughter
always against me?

Daddy, I'm not
against you.

I'm trying to show that
you don't have a curse on you.

How do you know
what I got on me?

How do you know that, uh, maybe
you could have put one on me?

How do you know that?
What?

That's right.

You were out walking around
on the sidewalks yesterday.

Maybe you were stepping on
all the cracks.

Oh, no, Archie.

That's, "Step on a crack,
break your mother's back."

That's for sons.
For sons.

Daughters want to break
their father's back.

Arch, that's crazy.

How long have you been
believing in curses?

How long you been
living here?

I know a very good cure
for your back, Archie.

Holy Jesus.

But the butcher's shop
is closed today.

What?

If it was open,
I'd go right down there

and get
some brown paper.

Yeah, my mother
used to do that

when my father's lumbago
started acting up.

She'd take a piece of
butcher's brown paper

and put it on his back
and then run an iron over it.

She'd put it
at the cotton setting.

The linen setting was too hot
and made him holler.

I think your mother must have
inherited her brains from you.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, there's someone
at the door.

"Someone at the door."

It's the first thing she's said
today that makes sense.

Oh, hi, Frank.
Come in.

Hi, Mr. Lorenzo.
Hey, Frank. How you doing?

Good morning, everybody.
Good morning.

Oh, jeez. Here he is.
The duke of lasagna.

What do you want?

Well, it's such
a nice day,

I thought we'd all take
a nice walk down to Kelsey's

and watch you and Irene
sh**t a little pool.

How am I gonna sh**t pool?
I'm in pain here.

My back don't work.

Yeah, but the hands look like
they're doing a good job there.

Dry up there, will you?

What I mean is,
how am I gonna sh**t pool

when I can't bend down
to the table?

Maybe they could
raise the table.

Don't help me,
will you?

Just look at me here,
Frank, in pain.

My back
is on your head.

What?

That's right, because you put
the whammy on the back.

Look at me.
I can hardly move.

I can't sit
in my own soft chair.

I gotta sit
in Edith's lousy chair.

[GROANS]

Arch, maybe if you're
real nice to Frank,

he'll take the evil eye
off you.

I can't do that.
I never learnt that part.

I only know
how to give it.

But I do know someone
who can take the curse off.

Well, it don't make
no difference, Frank.

The pool match is off,
and that's that.

Hello, operator.
Long-distance, please.

Who you calling long-distance?
My uncle in Sicily.

Hey, get off the phone!
Get off the phone!

Oh, Archie.
Come on, will you?

There's no evil eye.
I'm only kidding.

Yeah, well,
I ain't.

I can't play the pool match.
That's all there is to it.

Well, then,
you forfeit the game

and you owe Irene
bucks.

What do you mean
"forfeit"?

If anybody owes anybody
anything, Irene owes me,

because you're the guy
that put the whammy on my back.

Oh, all right.
All right.

I'll go home and tell Irene
that the game is off.

But first I'm gonna
stop off at Kelsey's

and I'm gonna make a big
announcement to tell everybody

that Archie Bunker's
not showing up

because somebody
put a curse on him.

Then, after they all
stop laughing,

I'll tell them
the truth.

That you are afraid
to play a woman.

Wait a minute there.

Wait a minute
there, Frank.

Hold it. Hold it. Okay.
You're gonna get your way.

I'm gonna play the match.
I'll be in Kelsey's in an hour.

And you bring Irene
there on time.

Bravo! Bravissimo!

Did you hear that?

He laid another curse
on me.

[CASH REGISTER RINGS]

Hi there, Kelsey.
How are you?

Hey. Hiya, Arch.
You're a little early.

Pool table won't be open
for another minutes.

Yeah, I thought I'd come down
and kind of loosen up, you know?

Hello, Bunker.

Oh, hi there,
Jefferson.

I didn't know George Jefferson
come in here.

Oh, yeah. He's been
coming in regularly.

Hey, Bunker.
I wanna talk to you.

Yeah, go ahead,
Jefferson.

I heard about your pool match.
I wanna get some of the action.

Well, Frank Lorenzo
will be here any minute.

He'll cover your bet
if you wanna bet on me.

I don't wanna bet on you.
I wanna win.

Hey, Jefferson, don't you
think Arch can take her?

No!

Talk's all over
the neighborhood.

Lorenzo put
the Sicilian hex on him.

Sicilian hex? Oh, come on.
Come on. What's this all about?

That's right.
That's right.

Frank Lorenzo put
the Sicilian evil eye on me

so his wife Irene
would beat me.

The evil eye.

That's some
mighty heavy stuff.

[KELSEY LAUGHS]

That's crazy!

ARCHIE:
What are you laughing about?

You never heard of
the hex before?

These people know a lot about
that voodoo-de-o-doo-doo.

Tell us some more.

Oh, yeah. We famous
for that in my family.

Goes all the way back to my
great-great-great-granddaddy,

Mumbulu.

Mumbulu! Pfft!
What was his first name?

George.

Bunker, if you wanna
get rid of the hex,

you need
a good luck charm.

Arch, come on. You don't believe
all this baloney, do you?

What are you
talking about, baloney?

Don't you see
a lot of Jewish guys

going around in their cars
with Christopher's medals.

They don't believe in
them things.

But they figure, "What harm?
Why take a chance?"

Say some more,
Jefferson.

Well, look, if you
really want to win,

what you need is
Mumbulu voodoo.

First you make a circle with the
bones of a dozen fried chickens.

Then, inside the circle,
you form an X

with the rinds
of two watermelons.

Then you send for
the witch doctor.

Where the hell are you gonna
get a witch doctor in Queens?

In the Yellow Pages.

Thanks for helping me out
with my bad back, Jefferson.

KELSEY: Hey, Arch,
your table's open now.

So look, Bunker.
I don't have time

to stay around for the match.

Look, do you
want a bet?

I got bucks says
Irene Lorenzo beats you.

You got bucks that says
that that dame beats me?

That's right.

Well, I'll tell you what I'm
gonna do with you, Jefferson.

I'm gonna take
a dollar of that.

Now, let's see you sharpen up
the old eye here.

Pull up this one
up there.

[SIGHS]

Holy cow. I missed
an easy shot like that.

[GROANS]

Oh, jeez.

KELSEY: He's right
in there, Mrs. Lorenzo.

[GROANS]

Look at him. He can't
wait to get started.

Neither can I.

What do you mean
I can't wait?

I ain't in no condition
to sh**t a pool match here.

I can hardly
bend over.

Rack 'em up, Archie.

Why are you asking me
to rack up, Irene, the way I am?

Why don't you ask Frank
to do that?

All right, all right,
I'll rack 'em up.

Okay, I'll sh**t you
for the break.

Okay. Go ahead.
There's your cue ball.

No, no.
Gentlemen first.

Okay.

All right, the nearest to the
back cushion with the cue ball

don't have to break,
right?

Okay.
All right.

Are you ready
down there, Frank?

sh**t!

Let me see
if I can do this.

I don't know
if I can get over there.

Oh, Jeez, it's going through me
like a knife.

[GROANS]

Oh, look at that!
Miscued!

I ain't done a thing like that
in years.

Now you see
the kind of competition

you're gonna have today.

I can't do it,
Frank.

I can't take advantage of
a sick man.

Oh, come on,
Irene.

After what he said
about you, he deserves it.

Look at the man.
He can't even bend over.

[GROANS WEAKLY]

I just can't do it.

You gotta play him.
Besides, I think he's faking.

I ain't faking, Frank,
and she don't gotta do nothing.

You don't gotta play me, Irene.
You can wait two, three weeks.

My back will be better then.
I'll play you a fair game.

I'll still take
your $ off you.

Bless you,
Archie.

You're one of a kind.

And thank God
for that.

Come on, Irene. Let's go.
I'll buy you a drink.

And I'll buy you one
too, Archie.

All right,
Frank.

Don't mind
if I do.

[GROANS]

Oh, uh, Archie,
is that your dollar?

Yeah,
that's mine.

He can bend! He can bend!
I told you he was faking!

Okay, Archie.

Okay.
Let's sh**t pool.

He lost.

Clam up, you.

EDITH:
Oh, Archie.

Frank Lorenzo
just called.

Oh, I'm so happy
for you.

I hope you
thanked Irene.

For what?

For fixing
your back.

She didn't do that.

Oh, that's funny.

Frank said she
straightened you out.

[♪]

ANNOUNCER:
All In the Family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.