04x17 - Archie Feels Left Out

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
The hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Hey, Ma,

you think Daddy's gonna like
his surprise birthday party?

Oh, yeah,
he's gonna love it.

How can you be so sure
he'll like being surprised?

Oh, he told me.

Huh?

When did he say that?

Yesterday morning
when I asked him.

That-- That means that Daddy
knows about his birthday party.

Yeah, it's safer that way.

Look at the time!
It's after .

The guests will be here
in minutes!

Twenty minutes?

Yeah. I told them
to come at : .

That way we'll be ready
to shout "Surprise!" at Archie

when he gets home at .

Oh. We'd better get ready.

Oh!
Hi, everybody!

How are you?
Wow!

Well, here's Archie's
birthday present.

Thank you,
Louise.

What a beautiful box!

What did you
get him, Louise?

Oh, it's not my present
to Archie. It's Edith's.

Yeah, Louise kept it
over at her house

so Archie wouldn't find out
what it was.

What is it, Edith?

Oh, I can't tell you.
It's a secret.

But it's something
Archie has always wanted.

Well, it's too big
to be a brain transplant.

Oh, Mike!

Well, I've got
to be getting back.

Remember, all of your guests

are meeting
over at my house first.

Justin Quigley and Jo
are already there.

Oh! Right.

Who's Justin Quigley
and Jo?

Oh, honey,
don't you remember?

They're our new grandparents.
We adopted them.

Oh, that's right!

The old man that Ma found

walking around the street
in his pajamas.

Yeah.

Well, I'm taking off.

Wait a minute,
Louise!

Would you mind taking
that off, please, Mike?

I want you to look at the cake.

There! What do you think?

It's beautiful.

Frank Lorenzo iced it for me.

"Happy th birthday,
Archie."

I made up the words myself.

Nice.

Well, save me
a big piece, Edith.

Who cares if it ruins this
gorgeous sylph-like figure?

[LAUGHS]

Ciao, amigos.

I better hide this
in the closet.

Yeah, good idea.
Yeah.

[EDITH GASPING]

Archie!

ARCHIE:
Wait a minute!

Wait a minute!
Where are you going, huh?

Daddy, we didn't
expect you home so soon.

Yeah, it's only past .

Oh, look at this.

The Meathead finally learned
to tell time.

Here I am, Archie!

You come running at me
like you was a linebacker.

I'm sorry.

What kind of
a greeting's that?

[SWEETLY]
Oh, hello, Archie.

But you ain't supposed
to be here 'til .

All right, so I'm early.
So what?

Oh, I told everybody
to come at :

so they could surprise you.

And you promised you wouldn't
come 'til to be surprised.

How can we surprise you
when you're here?

You broke your promise
to be surprised.

I didn't break my promise.
It was an act of God.

An act of God?

That's right,
you atheist, you!

We shut down early today
because there was a power cut.

Oh, well, then,
that wasn't God.

That was an act
of Con Edison.

Well, who do you think
runs Con Edison?

You're not
gonna say God.

Well, certainly, little girl.

If you knew your Bible,
you'd know that.

God said, "Let there be light,"

and told Edison
to invent the bulb.

God's in charge of all the power
in this world.

Well, then, you're saying

God's responsible for
the fuel crisis, right?

No, stupid! That's your Arabs.

Ain't God in charge
of them too?

No!

That's your Muhammad.

Muhammad's been in charge
of the Arabs

ever since God traded them
to Muhammad for a mountain.

I didn't think it could be done,
but you did it, Arch.

You just k*lled
the Living Bible.

But what are we gonna do
about the surprise party?

Just forget the surprise, Edith,
and give the party.

Oh, no, Archie!

Oh, come on, will you?

I already had one surprise party
today anyhow.

You had a surprise
party today?

Yeah, down at work.

Oh!

And I knew that one
was coming too,

the minute I seen that jerk
Stretch Cunningham

in the locker room,

trying to put a -inch candle
on top of a Twinkie.

We got you
your favorite cake.

Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You should have
been there, Edith.

All them guys at lunchtime
gathering around there,

wishing me happy birthday,
blowing out the candle there.

It made you proud
to be an American.

It must have been hard,

cutting up that Twinkie
into all them little slices.

Use your common sense.

They shoved it into me
in one piece.

The thing that was hard

was trying to make believe
I was surprised.

I had to say, "What? Who? Me?"

Sounds like the social
event of the season.

Cut it out, will you?

A man's got a right to his
th birthday, ain't he?

Fiftieth, Archie.

No, it ain't . I'm .

You're , Daddy.

How can I be
on my th birthday?

Because it's
your th birthday.

No, it ain't!

Yes, it is.

Hey there, little girl.

I know how old I am.
And it ain't .

Archie, I can prove
that you're .

How are you gonna do that?

It says so
on your birthday cake.

"Says so on your birthday cake."

Well, I'm telling you
that the cake is a liar!

Arch, what difference
does it make

whether you're or ?

Ah, get away from me, you.

Don't be trying to shove me
over the hill ahead of my time.

Fifty's not over the hill.

Yeah, it's easy for
you to say. You're .

Twenty-five.

Daddy, we could have
made a mistake.

We could check
your birth certificate.

Don't waste your time.

Hey, Ma, where's
Daddy's birth certificate?

I think it's in the box
next to all your baby shoes.

Okay. Let's settle it.

There ain't nothing
to settle, little girl.

I told you,
don't waste your time.

Look at the time!

The guests will be here
any minute!

What are we gonna do?

Let them in.

No! No, Archie. We can't.
You're here.

Yeah, I'm here, sure.
Because it's my party.

Arch, don't you see?

These parties are not just
for the guy being surprised.

See, you're the surprisee.

But these parties are
also for the surprisers.

Well, if I'm the surprisee,

then ipso fatso,
you're the jerkee.

No, Archie, we gotta think
of the guests. Mike's right.

No, he ain't.
Mike is dumb.

What we gotta think
of the guests for?

All they gotta do is show up
with the presents.

But, Arch,
it's psychological.

Ha ha ha.
"Psychological"!

Once more we hear
from Dr. Sigmund Freus.

Arch, don't you see how upset
these people are gonna be

if you take away their chance
to shout "Surprise"?

Yeah, Archie,

they've all been looking forward
to shouting at you.

GLORIA:
Hey, Ma!

Is this the box?

Oh, yeah. I'm sure
it's in here.

Archie, look!

Here's that picture of you
in the Army.

"Foggia, Italy, ."

Archie, if we knew
how old you were then,

we could figure out
how old you are now.

I know how old I am now!
Forty-nine today.

Now, let's forget this.

Will you do something useful
and get me a beer?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, it's them!
It's the guests!

Come on, you gotta leave!

[ALL YELLING]

GLORIA:
Give me your arm.

What do you
want me to do?

Put on your coat!

You gotta go out
the back door

and in the front like
you're coming home from work.

And would you please
act surprised?

Come on,
come on!

I can get out the door myself!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

They're at the door!

Coming! Coming!

Oh, hi!

[ALL EXCHANGING GREETINGS]

Oh, Irene, have you met
Mr. and Mrs. Quigley?

Oh, yeah, sure.
Over at Louise's house.

Only it's still not
Mister and Missus, Edith.

Oh, no, we're still
not married.

And staying that way.

I'm sorry.

Then this is Mr. Quigley
and Miss Nelson.

No, it's "Ms."
Ms. M-S.

Daddy will be here
any minute.

So why don't you all sit down
and I'll look out the window.

Everybody sit down.
Here he comes!

Oh, here he comes!

EDITH:
Out of sight!

You open the door, Gloria.
Oh, okay.

That's right. Shh!

Hi, Daddy!

Ma, Daddy's home!

ALL: Surprise!

Hey, hey, hey. Jeez.

What? Who? Me?

Arch, I just found
your birth certificate.

Happy th birthday, Arch.

ALL:
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday
Dear Archie ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

[ALL CHEERING]

You know, I still
don't understand.

Why didn't Archie stay?

I thought it was
his birthday.

I think the surprise
was too much for him.

I guess he's just taken
a walk around the block.

For two hours?

Maybe he's forgotten
his way home.

I've found that
a lot of youngsters

have poor memories nowadays.

Well, he'll be here.
Let's all have a good time.

Well, I'm all for that.

But it seems wrong to have
the party without Archie.

I mean, he's the star.

I bet I know
what made Archie mad.

Had something to do
with his birth certificate.

What do
you mean?

I think it expired.

Lionel!

I'm just kidding.
Sorry, Mrs. Bunker.

Oh, that's
all right, Lionel.

Mike, could I talk to you

for a few minutes?

Yeah. Sure, Ma.

Kidding! You're getting to be
more like your father every day.

Is your husband
really such a joker, Louise?

Oh, sure. You know how far
he'll go for a laugh?

He's really a white guy.

He only blacks up
to make Archie mad.

Oh, Lionel!

Ma, I called every place
that he might be,

and they said they'd phone us
if they saw him.

I should never
have told him he was .

Ma, it's not your fault.

The man looked at
his birth certificate,

and he couldn't face it.

Well, I'm beginning
to worry about him.

What am I gonna do?

Don't worry, Ma.
He's all right.

Look, everybody's having
a good time in there.

Let's go back in
the living room. Come on.

Really, you ought to hear
Mr. Quigley sing. He's great.

Oh, no.
Go on, Justin, sing.

Sing "Henry" for them.

Well, all right.

I'll sing, but you've all
got to help me out.

All right.

♪ I'm Henry the Eighth, I am ♪

♪ Henry the Eighth
I am, I am ♪

♪ I got married
To the widow next door ♪

♪ She'd been married
Seven times before ♪

♪ And every one was a Henry ♪

♪ Henry ♪

♪ Never had a Willie or a Sam ♪
♪ Or a Sam ♪

♪ I'm the eighth old man
Named Henry ♪

♪ Henry ♪
♪ Henry the Eighth, I am ♪

ALL:
♪ I am ♪

Everybody this time.
[PHONE RINGING]

One more time!

ALL: ♪ I'm Henry
the Eighth... ♪

Ma, telephone
for you!

Kelsey's.
Ooh. Hello, Mr. Kelsey.

Hey, will you get off the phone
there, Kelsey,

and come and
pour me a beer?

Sorry to keep you
waiting, Arch,

but that was
kinda important.

Yeah. It's
my birthday.

I got to spend it
sitting here looking at you.

Your birthday, huh?

Well, seeing this is
a special day for you,

that is on the house.

Happy birthday to you.

Oh, it's a lousy
birthday for me.

Oh, gee, I'm sorry
you feel that way, Arch.

Say, how old are you today?
Fifty-five? Fifty-six?

Hey!

KELSEY: What?
I'm .

No kidding. Well, you sure
could have fooled me!

Well, listen, what are you
going to do to celebrate?

Nothing.

I've been to the movies.

What did you see?

Uh...

The Last Tango in Paris.

Arch, I hear that's
kind of sexy, huh?

You know,
I went in there thinking

they was bringing back
one of them nice old movies.

You know, Gene Kelly dancing
around the Eiffel Tower

in a sailor suit.

All I seen was pure p*rn.

Well, ain't that sexy?

No, it ain't sexy.

The last time they made a sexy
picture was with Gloria DeHaven.

Gloria DeHaven
made sexy movies?

Yeah.
She made sexy movies.

I tell you another one too,
Betty Grable.

And she was sexy.

But, you see, her, she never
showed you no sex, you know?

What do you mean?

What do I mean?

She left it all in your,
what you call, imagination, see?

She left it in your mind.
That's where sex ought to be.

No.

Not for me, Arch. No.

N-n-not for you.

I ain't talking about you.
I'm talking about the movies.

Do you know that
they once insured

Betty Grable's legs
for $ million?

No.

I wouldn't give you two bits
for Marlo Brandon's legs.

Or any other parts of him
I just seen featured.

I get the feeling
you didn't like that movie.

It was so filthy,
I nearly walked out of it.

Hey! Hello there,
Mrs. Bunker!

Oh, jeez!

Hello, Mr. Kelsey.

And what brings you
down here?

Well, it was
your phone call.

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

So that's who you was talking to
on the phone there?

Ain't nothing sacred no more?

Whatever happened to
"A man's bar is his castle"?

Archie, don't blame Mr. Kelsey.

Mike called him
and asked him to phone us

if you came in here.

Oh, the Meathead
done that.

I suppose
that makes it all right.

Oh, Archie, we was
worried about you.

Come on back
to the party.

No!

I ain't going!

Not if I have to be .

What are you
standing there for?

Long as you're here,
you might as well sit down.

Hey, Kelsey, bring me over
another beer here

and an Orange Crush
for the missus.

Oh, Archie, everybody's
waiting for you.

It's your birthday party.

Listen, that ain't
my birthday party.

My birthday is .

Fifty!

Gee.

Fifty makes me think of all
the things I ain't done yet.

Like what, Archie?

Oh, I don't know, Edith,
a lot of things.

Well, for instance,
I never rode a horse.

I never had my picture
in the paper.

And I ain't never ate
oysters rockefeller.

But you've been
to Disney World.

Edith, you just don't know

what I'm trying
to say to you, do you?

Oh, yeah, I think I do, Archie.

I read about it
in a magazine.

It said that lots of men
go through it at a certain age.

I mean, it's like when
I went through the change.

What?

You know.
The menopause.

Shush!

Here we go. And this
is for our birthday boy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was thinking--

Oh, don't do
no more of that.

But ain't it funny?

When it happens to a woman
it's called men-opause.

Edith!

Will you please, huh?

When it happens to men, maybe it
should be called women-pause.

Listen, I ain't going through
no change. That's it!

[SIGHS]

Jeez, it's getting hot in here.

Hey, Kelsey, do you have to keep
this joint like a furnace?

It ain't that!

Oh, Archie!

I almost forgot! I brought you
your birthday present.

Huh? What?
A present?

Yeah. Open it.
See what it is.

Look at the size--
What is it, Edith?

It's something
you've always wanted.

Oh, yeah? For me?
Mm-hmm.

Hey, ain't that nice?
The box and all.

Oh, oh. Oh! Gee, Edith.

Ain't that beautiful?

A six-string ukulele.

Just-- Just like
Arthur Godfrey's.

Oh, yeah, I remember.

Jeez, thanks, Edith.

Happy birthday, Archie!

Yeah.

Well, what the hell good is it?
I can't play it.

♪ Because God made
The stars to shine ♪

♪ Because God made
The ivy twine ♪

♪ Because God made
The sky so blue ♪

♪ That is the reason ♪

♪ Why I love ♪

♪ You ♪
Oh, take me away.

GLORIA: Oh, Ma,
did you find Daddy?

Oh, yeah.
I found him.

Where is he?
What happened?

Didn't he come
back with you?

No.
Well, what did he say?

He said, "Everybody, go home.
The party's over."

ALL:
Oh, no.

Does that mean
we can't eat the cake?

Then when my kid
was six years old--

Oh, gee.

He was in the school
nativity play.

Now, he practices all week
as the innkeeper.

Then the night
they put the show on,

he forgets his lines.

When Joseph and Mary ask him
if there's any room at the inn,

you know what my kid says?

No. What?

He says, "Sure, we're empty.
Come on in."

Come on, Arch.
It's pretty funny.

What's funny?
The kid's stupid.

Oh, hi.

KELSEY:
Evening, Mr. Quigley.

Oh, hi there, Quigley.
Hey, where's your girlfriend?

Ah, she went
home by cab.

I felt like walking.

I want one for the road.
What'll it be?

A glass of ripple.

Uh, gee, I think
we're out of it.

Oh. In that case,
make it a boilermaker.

Hey there, Quigley,

you're out a little bit past
your beddy-byes, ain't you?

Yeah, but I thought,
well, I'm up this late,

I may as well
hang around for my birthday.

It's your
birthday too?

At midnight,
I'll be years old.

Ooh.

Eighty-three.
Did you hear that?

And you're still
celebrating birthdays?

Looking forward to it.

You know what Jo's
giving me tomorrow?

A set of
French-language records.

You're going to
start learning French?

Something I always
wanted to do.

You mean to tell me

you're planning on maybe
taking a trip to France?

Well, you never know.

You know the old saying,
"A rolling stone..."

Yeah.

"...can give you
a hell of a bruise."

Hey, let me
ask you something, Quigley.

Did you ever
ride a horse?

Not 'til I was .

Sixty-three?

Mmm.

What about a ukulele?

I don't think you can
ride a ukulele.

I didn't mean that.
I mean, uh, me.

That I was thinking maybe
I'd learn how to play one.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

You know, play some
of them nice songs

like "Home on the Range,"
"South of Your Border."

"Red Sails in the Sunset."

Oh, yeah. Modern stuff.
Mm-hmm.

You ought to hear the songs
I was brought up with.

You young sprigs have missed out
on a lot of good tunes.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. You hear
what he's calling us here?

You and me,
young sprigs.

[LAUGHS]

Well, maybe to him we are
young sprigs, huh, Kels?

And after all, maybe we are.

Sure.

You know what I'm
just thinking now?

The best thing to do is not
look back at the past at all.

Just get up and move
with the times.

Mmm. I'll try to
remember that.

Hey, listen, back at the house,
that birthday cake back there.

Did they swallow it all?

Oh, no. They saved
a big piece for you.

Yeah? Come on!
Let's go get it.

Oh, that won't
be necessary.

You just hold on
for a minute.

Huh?
Hey, come on in, g*ng!

Here we are!

ALL:
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Archie ♪

♪ Happy th birthday
To you ♪

[INAUDIBLE]

[PLUCKING SOUR NOTES]

Is it really very hard
to learn to play, Archie?

Well, certainly
it's hard, Edith.

It's a six-string
ukulele here.

I only got five fingers.

["REMEMBERING YOU" PLAYING]

ANNOUNCER:
All in the Family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.