04x23 - Pay the Twenty Dollars

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
The hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Would you like some butter
on your toast, Louise?

Yes, thanks.
All right.

Now, let's see.

The butter is on the second
shelf on the left-hand side.

I try not to leave the
refrigerator door open too long

to save energy.

How much energy do you think
you saved on that move?

I didn't save nothing.
I got the cheddar cheese.

Wait a minute.

Here goes.

Got it!

Oh, Louise, I'm glad
you dropped in.

It's so nice
to have company.

Archie's been out all night
driving Mr. Munson's cab.

It was so lonely sleeping
without him.

But I made believe
Archie was there

by talking over
the events of the day

before I went to sleep.

I talked and talked
but Archie didn't answer me.

It was just like he was there.

ARCHIE: Hey, Edith!

Oh! There's Archie!
Maybe I'd better go.

Oh, no. You finish your coffee.

I'll be right back.
All right.

Oh, Archie, I'm so glad
you're home.

All right, all right!

Take it easy, will you?

I seen enough of that whoopee
in the back of my cab all night.

Here's your dress.

You remembered to pick up
the dry cleaning!

Oh, thank you, Archie.

How was your night?

Same as my day,
only darker.

I ain't never gonna drive

that Friday night till
Saturday morning shift no more.

Every screwball
in the city of New York

is loose on the streets.

Morning.
Except one.

Thank you very much.

What are you doing up so early
of a Saturday morning?

I'm getting breakfast
for me and Gloria.

We're gonna have
breakfast in bed.

Oh, listen to this.

They do everything
in that bed except sleep.

You know, you're not pleasant
in the morning.

What do you want me to do,
looking at you?

Whistle a happy tune?

Oh, Archie, you must be hungry.
I'll get you something to eat.

No, no, no. It's all right,
Edith. I'm too tired to eat.

I'm off-duty. All I wanna do
is go up and lay down.

Would you like some company?

I said I'm off-duty.

All right.

Have a good day's sleep.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, you and Gloria gonna
have some cornflakes?

No, no, no. Gloria's
gonna have the orange.

I'm gonna have
the cornflakes.

Oh, don't you want a bowl
for your cereal?

No, I like
to eat the cereal dry

and then I wash it down
with the milk.

That way it doesn't get soggy.

Oh.

[KNOCKING]

Mr. Jefferson. Come in.
GEORGE: Morning.

George, what are you doing
away from the store?

Don't worry.

I left Lionel
in charge.

Mrs. Bunker, this has nothing
to do with you.

Where's your husband?

He just went upstairs to bed.

Well, I gotta talk
to him. It's important.

Oh, well, all right.
Come on in.

I'm sure he ain't asleep yet.

Archie, are you in bed yet?

ARCHIE: No, not yet, Edith.
I'm looking out the window.

Do you know the Jeffersons
left their shades up?

Did you know
they was putting new wallpaper

on the wall of their bedroom?

Holy cow, them coloreds
are wild about stripes.

Bunker, come down here!

ARCHIE: That don't sound
like your voice, Edith.

No, Archie. We've got company.

Yeah, so I see.

Thanks for letting me know.

Bunker, take a look at this.

It's a $ bill.
What did you do, hit a number?

You gave me $ when you picked
up your cleaning just now

and I gave you $ change.

Well, I remember. So what?

So my $ was good.
This is counterfeit.

What?

Are you sure, George?

I wouldn't be here
if I wasn't sure.

Look, I checked these
serial numbers against our list.

This is . These are
counterfeit serial numbers.

They sound like
real numbers to me.

Let's just say you passed this
phony on to me by accident.

So now all you have to do
is reach into your wallet

and give me a real one
on purpose.

Listen, I ain't
no counterfeiter.

The $ bill I gave you

was perfectly good currency
of the realm.

That was printed on percent
U.S. Government realm.

Get out of the way, Edith.

You didn't even look
at the bill.

Certainly I looked at it.
I look at all big bills.

I remember
where I got that $ .

I only got one last night.

I remember the guy
that give it to me.

And he wasn't no counterfeiter.
How do you know he wasn't?

Ah, come on, Jefferson.

I know people.
This was a very classy guy.

He was dressed up to the nines

in a sharp coat that had
one of them velvet collars,

and one of them pearl-gray
hamburgers on his head.

Archie, isn't it possible

he passed the bill to you
without knowing it?

Oh, no. No way, Louise.
This was a rich guy!

Rich guys know all about money.
They was brung up on money.

That's how much you know!

Rich guys never even see
any money.

All they've got in their pocket
is credit cards.

All they know is "Charge it,"
"I'll sign for it" and "Sue me."

Well, don't get yourself
all excited.

Let's have a look
at the bill, huh?

I don't want to touch it.

Just hold it out there
where I can see it.

Now I got you, Jefferson.
That ain't the I give you.

See, I'm awful careful
with my big bills

so they don't get mixed up
in the little bills,

and get give away
in change, see.

I take the trouble--

I turn down a corner there.

I call that the Bunker fold.

And there ain't no
Bunker fold in that.

It did have a fold
there in the corner.

I straightened it out when
I put it in the cash register.

I call it
the Jefferson press.

Well, nevertheless, prove it.

Bunker, if I don't get
my money right now,

you're gonna find yourself

on top of the
" Most Sorry h*nky" list.

Jefferson, would you care
to step outside?

I'm ready.
Good. Then step outside.

I'm going to bed.

See that, Bunker?

I knew you didn't have
the guts to step outside.

You know, you are
a very small man.

I'd hate for money
to mean that much to me.

Money don't mean nothing to me.
What are you talking about?

I'll show you
what money means to me.

What are we talking about?
Twenty dollars, huh?

Okay. Ten. Twenty.

There you are, Edith.
Buy yourself a new hat.

See that? I just threw away
on the old lady.

All right, Bunker,
let's step outside.

Can't we all sit down
and talk this over?

Can't you just
stay out of this?

This here is between
Jefferson and me

and Jefferson and me,
we're going to settle this

like gentlemen.

Now, Jefferson, get out.

I ain't going nowhere.
I ain't finished with you yet.

Well, I'm finished with you.

Louise, can I see you
for a minute in the kitchen?

Yes.

Louise, what are we
gonna do about this?

I don't know.

I've never seen such a stubborn
man in all of my life.

Me neither. I never knew
George could be that way.

I was talking about Archie.

Are you saying
Archie is wrong?

Well, I hope you're not saying
George is wrong.

You heard Archie tell George he
didn't give him that bad bill.

Don't you believe
what he said?

Yes and no.

What do you mean?

Yes, I believe he said it

and, no, I don't believe
what he said.

What are you getting
so excited about?

I'll tell you what to do
with that bill.

Take that bill up to Harlem
and pass it there.

What?
Don't get excited!

Just shove it
on some guy up there.

It'll make the rounds,

it'll wind up in the hands
of some white guy

who sells purple Cadillacs.

And who the hell
cares about him, huh?

Don't believe everything
Archie says.

He's got you brainwashed.

Don't you have a mind
of your own?

Yes, I do.

Then use it.

Everything George said
made perfectly good sense.

To you, maybe, but not to me.

There, you see?
I'm using my own mind.

And you can't say it's
because I'm listening to Archie

because he ain't here.

Not only that,
he ain't all there.

You won't listen
to what I'm trying to--

Nothing you say makes
any difference to me.

I'm trying to--

You can talk until
you're blue in the face,

which, come to think of it,
in your case,

would be an improvement.

Hey, Jefferson,
don't you think

you can walk away
saying that to me.

Hey, your wife is still here.

Wait till you see
what I'm going to say to her.

It's obvious we have nothing
more to say to each other. Ever.

[SLAMS DOOR]

Louise!

LOUISE:
Goodbye!

Oh!

Hey, Louise, listen--
Where is she?

She's gone.

Well, it's a good thing
she is.

You should have heard
what I had in my mind

to say to her.

What's the matter with you?

I just had a fight with Louise
and I feel terrible.

Can't you do nothing right?

I just had a fight
with her husband

and I feel wonderful.

I'm proud of you, Louise,
proud of you.

Finally come to your senses.

You see, them people
can be all sweetness and light

but when it comes down
to the nitty,

they always show
their true color: white.

What's the matter with you?
You mad at me or something?

No, I'm not mad at you.
I'm mad at me.

Well, either way,
it's spoiling my lunch.

How could I have let myself
get into a fight with Edith?

All she was doing
was defending her husband.

Even Perry Mason
couldn't do that,

and he ain't never lost a case.

If I was any kind of a friend,

I'd be over there
apologizing to Edith right now.

Why don't you
do that, Louise.

Do you mean that?

Sure, go on over there
and apologize to her.

But leave your key here

because you ain't getting
back into this house.

I'll have to come back, George.

I made your mother
a solemn promise

never to leave you
while you were crazy.

Never mind that.

Just remember,

you did the right thing
sticking up for your husband,

because blood
is thicker than water.

What blood are you
talking about, George?

We're not related,
we're only married.

Now, there's only one way
we can get out of this mess.

You and Archie are going
to get together and make up.

All right, I'll do that.

Good.

When Moms Mabley elopes
with Lester Maddox.

I can't.

Ma, you know that neither
Archie or Mr. Jefferson

is going to admit
that he's wrong.

You and Louise have to be
the peacemakers.

I know. But who's gonna
make the first move?

Whoever wants to make up
the most.

Oh, Ma, you going over there
to see Louise?

Yeah, I am, right now.

I'm gonna find out which one
wants to make up the most.

[GASPS]

It's a tie!

I'm sorry!
I'm sorry!

Oh!
Oh!

You two want me
to make you some coffee?

Oh, that'd be nice.

I'll help you, Gloria.

Come on, sit down
right over here.

Oh, Louise,
I feel so much better.

So do I. I don't know
what came over us.

Neither do I.

Louise, remember that $
Archie gave me to buy a new hat?

Well, I don't need a new hat.

I wish you'd take it
and give it to George.

Well, thanks, Edith,

but wouldn't it be better
if Archie gave it back himself?

I don't know how
we'll ever get him to do that.

I know how.

Does Archie need
anything cleaned?

I was gonna bring in
his winter coat.

Perfect. Get it, Edith.

All right. But I could bring it
down to the store myself.

No, I want George
to get it fast.

The first thing he does
when he gets cleaning

is go all through
the pockets.

We're going to put
this in here.

And George will find it

and maybe he'll think
it's Archie's way

of saying he made a mistake

without coming out
and saying it.

Oh, Louise,
that's a wonderful idea.

That reminds me
of the Ten Commandments.

Which one?

The one by Cecil B. DeMille.

You remember the part

where Moses' mother
puts him in a little basket

and floats him down the river
on purpose

so that Pharaoh's daughter
can find him by accident

and he can grow up
and be Charlton Heston?

George, I have Archie Bunker's
coat. It needs cleaning.

Uh-uh. No way.

Now, you take that mangy coat
back over there.

He tried to put
something over on me.

He thinks I'm stupid
because I'm black.

Then you be bigger than him.

You just turn the other cheek.

That won't do no good.
My other cheek's black too.

You know, I wish
I'd never left Harlem

to move in next door
to those ugly Bunkers.

What are you talking about?

If I still lived in Harlem, I
could really get even with him.

How?

By leaving Harlem

and moving in next door
to him all over again.

George, you are going
to clean his coat.

I'll take it
to the store myself.

Go on and take it, then.

Well, look at this!
Money!

Another bucks.

Hey, these s
are good. Solid.

You're not really
going to keep that money?

No, I'm not going to keep it.
Good.

I'm going to spend it.

Okay, go ahead. Let Archie
have the last laugh.

Now where are you coming from?

Isn't it obvious

he put it here on purpose
for you to find it?

It's Archie's way
of apologizing.

No.

You think so?

Let me put it this way.

When was the last time
we found $

in one of Archie Bunker's
pockets?

You're right.

He's trying to make
me look bad.

He ain't gonna
get away with this.

Where are you going?

If anybody's gonna have
the last laugh,

I'm gonna have it first.

Can't sleep.
There's no air in this house.

There's no air in New York.

Maybe you can't sleep

because of the argument
you had with Mr. Jefferson.

Oh, I wouldn't lose
any sleep over that argument.

I won it, didn't I?

I think when two people fight,
nobody wins.

Jeez, that'd be great news
for Jack Dempsey, you know that?

He could give up his restaurant.
He's still a champ.

I was talking
about fighting over money.

By the way, give me back
that bucks I give you.

What bucks?

What I give you
to buy yourself a new hat,

which I didn't mean
in the first place,

seeing as I was only trying
to get Jefferson off my back

twenty bucks.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, there's the bell!
I'll get it.

Whoever it is,
tell them to get out of here.

Louise, George, come in.
Archie, look who's here.

Oh, gee.

What have you got this time,
Jefferson? A wooden nickel?

Louise?

Remember, last laugh.

Uh-huh.

Bunker, this is yours.

What's mine?

This $ we found in your coat

your wife sent down
to be cleaned.

Twenty dollars--?

You got that in my coat
and that's mine?

That $ here? Hey, Edith!

What is that?
Oh, Archie.

I should have checked
the pockets. I'm sorry.

Oh, gee, I ain't mad at you,
darling. Whoop-de-do. Hey.

Hey.

I never would have believed

I left that kind of dough
in that coat.

And you
wouldn't have known it

if Mr. Jefferson
hadn't found it.

He could have kept the money,
but he's an honest man.

Hey, Jefferson.
Nice to see you. See you round.

Let's go, Louise. I've laughed
enough for one day.

Wait! Wait a minute.

Archie, can I see you?

You're looking at me.

Archie!

Since you got back $
you didn't know you had

and since Mr. Jefferson had
a loss because of the bad bill,

I think you should
share this with him.

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.

I think you should give him
at least half of it.

You'd still be ahead $ .

Oh, please, Archie.
Be fair.

Don't tell me what to do.

Get out of the way.

Jefferson,
I'm going to be fair.

Seeing as there
was a loss here

and you and me was both
involved in the loss,

well, maybe we ought
to share this.

So here's $ .
Thanks.

All right. Fair enough?

That's nice, Archie.

Wait a second, Arch.

That's not fair.
You're ahead way more than $ .

Listen to the meatheaded
college boy over there.

I'm holding $ in my hand.

Show me where
I'm way more ahead than that.

Look, Arch,

you gave Mr. Jefferson
a phony $ bill.

I didn't know nothing
about that.

It doesn't make any difference!

The point is he gave you
$ of real money in change

plus $ worth
of cleaning services:

that's $ .

Add to that the

that he found in your coat
pocket and returned to you

because he's an honest man.

That's $ you're ahead.

Hold it! I just
give the man $ there.

All right, so you're ahead $ .

Thirty dollars?

But the fact remains,
he gave you $ cash.

You only gave him $ back.

Why don't you give him
the other $ you owe?

I ain't going to
give him no $ .

Arch, you'll still
be ahead bucks.

Wait a minute.
How do you figure that?

Thirty minus eight
is twenty-two.

You're $ ahead.

I'm ahead? Thirty...?
Huh? Minus eight...?

All right, if I'm $ --
I can add up myself!

Jefferson, er,

as long as I'm $ ahead here,
and I figure if I--

How much should I give him?

Eight dollars.

All right, $ .

So I'll give you a $ bill.
Give me two ones.

I ain't got no change.

But he ain't got no change.

I ain't got no change.
Who's got change?

No, I don't.
I didn't bring my purse.

Oh, jeez,
I ain't got no singles here.

Arch, he gave you
$ worth of change.

You've got to have
at least three singles.

I bought seven cigars and a
malted. Is that okay with you?

Would this help?

I owe Louise $
from the groceries yesterday.

That'll help.
How does that help?

Give me the $ .

Wait a minute!

Arch, you were going to give
Mr. Jefferson $ , right?

Add $ to that
for the groceries.

That's $
you owe Mr. Jefferson.

Here's a $ bill,
Mr. Jefferson.

Now, Archie, all you owe
Mr. Jefferson is $ .

How do I owe him $ ?

No, Daddy, that's not right.

No, that ain't right,
little girl. Help me here.

Daddy, you're forgetting

about the $ Mr. Jefferson's
still out for the cleaning.

You owe him $ .

That ain't no help!

She's right, Arch. You owe him
$ . Here, give me .

Wait a minute here!

Here, Mr. Jefferson. Here's $ .
Now you owe Archie $ .

Well, at least he owes me $ .
Somebody owes me something here!

Remember, now.

You owe me $ .
All right.

All right, talking
of owings, here,

what about the $
you owe me?

I give you $ last week,
I loaned it to you

to buy pizza for yourself
and Gloria.

Oh, that's right.
I forgot, Archie.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I forgot! I'm sorry!

Gloria, could you give me
$ to give to Archie?

Oh, sure, honey.
Let me get my purse.

ARCHIE:
Yeah, get the purse, huh?

No, wait a minute, Daddy.
There's something wrong here.

Yeah, there's something wrong,
little girl, huh?

Yeah, you owe me .

That's what's wrong?

Yeah, don't you remember
last week I loaned you $

when you didn't
have enough money

to pay the plumber
for fixing the drip in the sink?

Oh, holy cow.

Yeah. What have you got there?
Two fives? There's my ten.

Wait a minute!

There's the five you wanted.

Thank you very much. Here's the
five I owe you for the pizza.

We're all square.

Wait, wait.
Not quite all square.

You're damn right
not quite all square.

Remember, George, you still owe
Archie $ . Give it to him.

Yeah, somebody
give me something, huh?

I'm feeling awful light here.

Give him the $ .

I don't have change.

I know how to fix this!
ARCHIE: How?

Michael, remember you and Daddy
still owe Lionel $

for the ball game tickets
from last Saturday.

That's right! I forgot.

Here, give me the $ .

Wait a minute!

Mr. Jefferson, here's $ .

Now, with the two
you owe Archie,

you add that to the $ ,
that makes .

You give that to Lionel.

That squares us with Lionel
and squares you with Archie.

Everything's perfect.
Everybody's paid off.

GLORIA:
Michael, that's right.

How is everybody paid off?

I had $ in my hand. I'm
standing here holding nothing!

Now, don't nobody move!

Because we're going to start
this whole transfaction over

and we're gonna do it slow,
right from the very beginning.

All right.

It all started when you gave me
this phony .

Now you've got it back. Bye.
Come on, Louise.

Goodbye, everybody.

You could have fooled me
with this.

I would never know
how to tell the difference

between this
and a good $ bill.

Here, let me show you.
Give me the bill.

The difference is this.

A phony $ bill
is worth nothing.

But a good $ bill
is worth $ .

[♪]

ANNOUNCER:
All in the Family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.