05x05 - Sinking Feelings

[bunniefuu]

Michael was on his way
to see Rebel Alley

after being less than honest with his son

about having broken up with her...

I got a cactus, for God's sakes.

That's a universal sign
for "things are over."

...when he'd actually told her...

I ain't going nowhere.

George Michael had similarly
made a false claim.

- Do you have plans with Rebel?
- Yeah.

- Do you? Good for you guys.
- I do, yeah.

- It's fun. Yeah.
- When the truth was...

I haven't seen her since I punched him.

And each was worried
the other would say,

"You lied to me, and that's worse."

He's gonna say, "And that's worse."

Michael decided to tell Rebel
he was going somewhere.

George Michael, meanwhile, was approaching
the same apartment with a plan of his own.

You take my bag of lacy ticklers,
hoo-ha bras, dog toys,

and sex knobs with you,
and you act like you're expecting

a booty call, as the old people
think the young people say.

Tell her, "I'm here for a quickie,
and I'm out of here." Mr. Brash.

So when Michael saw his son
brashly approaching,

he decided to be the adult
in the relationship

and avoid conflict by squatting in a bush,

until his son passed on his way
to what the young people

refer to as a booty call.

Yeah, standing out here
with a bag of sex toys!

Let's go! Not getting any less horny
out here. How are you?

I think she's gone until tomorrow.

Is she? Good.
'Cause I was getting less,

uh... what I mentioned earlier.

Moments earlier,
a still squatting Michael

noticed something in the bushes.

All right in there?

Hey. Toddler. Hey.

Uh, this looks, um...

You know, there's a woman in there
who's obsessed with me...

- Oh, this one, too?
- Yep. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, actually, I have a question for you.

- Okay.
- I'll come out.

Oh. Okay.

Do you remember when I called you
about my brother Buster?

The missing person thing. Did he show up?

- Did anybody claim him?
- They got him.

- They did. I had a feeling.
- Yeah.

Well, I'm going home.

Okay. Great.

I live here.

Oh. Didn't know they paid you that fair.

Yeah, good for you.

That is one dirty cop.

Dad.

But diplomacy won the day.

Yeah, I'm just... I'm making sure
that she knows that we broke up.

I could run that up for you.
Save you a trip.

Okay. Yeah.

Make sure she doesn't think
you're trying to break up.

Nah.

You reconsidered the scuba trip?

Oh, God, it's tempting as hell, but I...

- You're in love.
- So in love.

Maybe next time?

Promise?

I do.

Ciao.

I'll see ya.

But moments after leaving
his father's gift

- outside Rebel's door...
- George!

Hey! Oh!

What are you doing here?

Uh, uh, you mean without calling?

I know. I'm sorry.
I was sh**ting this tiny movie

in Mexico for two months,
and, uh, I meant to call you.

And I just landed.
How did you find out I was back?

Thought I'd get lucky.
Well, you'd get lucky.

I'm sure that strikes you
as inconsiderate... I got it.

- Thank you so much.
- Oh, he's my hero.

Well, I hope he's not expecting a tip.

- They instruct us not to ask.
- I don't have any cash.

George Michael decided
to split the difference.

Just take it. Jerk. Kidding.

Sorry. Thank you. b*at it.

- Nice guy. Tough job.
- What?

Tough guy. Thinks he's a tough guy.

But he does a nice job.

As do these sex toys
I caddishly brought you.

Wait.

What is this used for?

That is a device

that older people use
to put their shoes on...

...without bending over!

Get Shoedini right this second.

Come on, please!

It's not just a shoehorn.

It's a shoehorn on a stick!

From TV?
Well, I can think of another use for it.

But I've gotta be gone in five minutes.
I've gotta pick up my son.

It's gonna be a quickie,
and then we can get out of here.

Which was the line George Michael
had planned to use,

so he improvised.

Fine, but I hope we can spend
some quality time together later.

Oh, my God, you're the dream boyfriend.

Well...

Now the story of a wealthy family

who lost everything, and the one son

who had no choice
but to keep them all together.

It's...

Having just handed
his son a breakup cactus,

Michael boarded the boat

for his three-month sojourn
to stare at the ocean floor.

But not without some regret.

While up the wharf,
the other Bluths prepared

to graciously receive
the Family of the Year award

they were generously giving themselves

at the banana stand,

only to discover...

- There's no banana stand.
- What happened?

Who was the advance?

Who was the advance team?
You're the campaign manager.

- This could ruin your mother's campaign.
- I can't take credit for this.

Because she had a plan.

Why don't you write a speech
for her to say about you?

When my mom's giving the speech,

we'll be in the background,
and we're going at it.

And then, I open my mouth,

and I have these rotted-out meth teeth,
and I'm like,

"Why do I gotta my cousin
for meth money, Mom?"

Yeah, we're circling it.

- Um, I'll get into it.
- Oh, my God.

Hi, this is Maeby Fünke,
for the Lindsay Bluth campaign.

Where are my meth teeth?
It's been over two hours.

Nobody's seen the stand since Cinco.
Kids probably threw it in the water...

- Which was bad news for Tobias...
- You can't have

a family-friendly banana stand award
without a man dressed... What?

...who had finally found a way
to slip into the family.

I'm out. I know.

I get it.

I feel like a moron.

All right. We're set up.
Paid the crew $75 an hour. Let's go.

- Let's go.
- Wait.

Lindsay's not here. Why are we starting?

It's okay. I'll go.

I got something for Dad, anyway.

This is O.C. Can You Say by the Sea.

We're bringing you

the first annual Family of the...

Of the Year!

Let's hear it for the... of the Year!

I thought there was gonna be music or...

Thank you, Beard, for...

"Dad...

You were always there for me.
You were always there for me.

And, man, we've had fun together.

How about that Mexico trip?

Things we'll remember:

'always horny' shirts...

eating chips in the car...

'Shut up, G.O.B.!'

And almost making love
to some roadside bushes.

'Shh. Don't tell Mom!'"

What?

"Remember how our Winnebago
got demolished by that train?

So many memories.

That's why all you have to do
is look at me, and you'll realize

that you've done something great
in this life.

You are the golden anchor of this family,

the man who not only left his mark
on Newport

with the great banana... stand...

up. Good habit. Standing is... Yep.

You always leave your mark
everywhere you sit.

So I give you

the biggest anchor of gold in the world.

I only wish it were real gold
so that you wouldn't have 30 years

of hard work ahead of you."

Thirty years!

What a horrible speech.

Oh, my gosh.

Uh, thank you.

I, uh...

Oh, wow, it's heavy. I haven't...
This, uh, well...

Let 'em try to take this away from me,
huh?

They'll have to pry it
out of your cold, dead hands.

And soon, Lindsay arrived

in what was her second outfit of the day.

Oh, you're not wearing that.

You're running to fill a House seat,
not a sofa.

I'm starting to worry
you're not even capable

of saying something nice
about me in your speech.

Lindsay, saying nice things
about you is easy.

Oh, Mom.

The hard part is not sounding sarcastic.

Oh, now, seriously, go change.

That outfit shouldn't even come
in that size.

How about this, Mom?

Nothing to criticize now. Happy?

Come on,
let me hear one of your crinkly smiles.

At least it fits.

- Look who grew out of her sheet.
- I thought about it.

It's a big day.
I'm being honored. I should look my best.

Well, let me know when you do.

And you just won yourself
a sheet-covered daughter.

Take that off.

The cameras are getting this.

You don't like anything
under this. Why should I take it off?

You don't have a speech for me.

You're going to be surprised

when I get up there.

Know what your number one tool is
for a scuba diver?

Your sun. All right?
You gotta see how the sun

is coming through the ocean,
'cause that's gonna be your guiding light.

And as Michael
faced his biggest fear,

leaving behind his son...

I gotta go back. You can't leave.

- Turn this around.
- Too late.

- Double dock fees. Got a tight schedule.
- ...his son showed up,

willing to face a big fear himself.

Hey! Hey!

What are you doing?
I was coming back to you.

What? No, I just...

I don't want to leave things
emotionally ambiguous

- or unresolved!
- I don't want to leave

without having some sense of the...

- ...value of this relationship!
- What?

The farther away they got,
the more they realized

they did have to say to each other.

- What?
- Stay there.

I'm coming back. We're coming back.

And without the ability to speak,

they resorted to a language
they'd learned long ago.

Which was all
that needed to be said,

but the moment was short-lived.

You do this!
You always try to save everyone.

I'm literally saving you. Come on.

Turn over on your back, like an otter.

- Were you trying to k*ll yourself?
- No.

I dropped my prize,
and I was trying to find it.

I would've been fine.

Maybe I was trying to save you.

Want to save me?
Stop playing games with me.

Stop trying to teach me a lesson
by hiding Buster.

I talked to a cop. I know someone got him.

Got him?
Michael, we don't have Buster.

We would never make you worry.
We love you.

That's why we got rid
of your $700,000 debt.

Hang on. What are you talking about?

I thought that was Lucille 2.

- You forgave the debt?
- Of course we did.

I mean, well, no, technically,
we forgot the debt.

We can forget it,
but we can never forgive it.

- We need the write-off.
- Why'd you think

they were trying to teach you a lesson?

Because I was teaching them a lesson.

- Huh?
- He knows.

I declared Buster missing,

and then they were gonna try
to teach me a lesson, right?

By having the fake Buster
over at Lucille 2's today

when I walked in,
so that I would still think

that Buster was still missing.

How did they know
you were gonna walk in today?

What's that?

It was a last-minute trip.

You just came down to get your scuba gear.

It wasn't a half bad point.

Well, I gotta find a phone.

And back at the ceremony,
Lucille had taken the podium

to deliver a speech her daughter thought

- she had failed to write.
- "As grateful as I am

to be with my family today,

I want to make special mention
of my only daughter,

who thinks I didn't write a speech.

This young woman has had
to show enormous strength,

and not just to endure
having me as a mother.

But she's the one we honor today,

a woman I should have honored long ago,

because I've got a daughter
who has many faces,

and all of them are beautiful.

She stole my speech.

Maybe you can show the world
the smile I love so much.

That doesn't make sense
without meth teeth!

But it made sense to Lindsay.

I've been wanting to hear that.
I didn't think I would.

- Well, now you have.
- God, it was my dream.

What a waste of a dream.

It's nothing.
I can see that now.

I think I'm gonna go now.

Find out who my real family is.

And though her mother
had stolen a speech from Maeby...

Find my real mother.

- ...Lindsay stole a line from Michael.
- I'm out of here.

Maeby had planned on
humiliating her mother,

but her mother was leaving,
and she wanted to give her

one last kiss goodbye,
before the cameras left.

But George Michael
had learned a thing or two,

and he learned
both those things in Spain.

- Hmm.
- That takes the fun out of it.

Maybe we should kiss again
to teach them a lesson. Yeah?

Okay,

you're presenting awards
on a crime scene, and that is,

of course, against the law.

What the hell is going on?!

Why?
Because the banana stand is gone?

No, because of
the bloody trail that led to it.

Ah, I've said too much.

Where the hell did you run off to?

Michael tried to k*ll himself.

I got there in time to save him,

- but he doesn't have Buster.
- What?

Which was good news for Tobias,
who was already in his backup costume.

And my name is Buster Bluth,
and, yes, I am a monster.

Buster? Isn't he supposed to be in jail?

Well, that's not exactly
what I was going for, but sure.

Oh! But they're buying it, see?

Um, hey, uh,
I just found out that they're, uh,

holding Buster in jail.

- Buster's in jail?
- Why?

He walked into the police station,
and they're holding him for something.

Why would Buster go to the police?

The truth, Mom? I told him to.

But I wanted to make it clear
that I'm never coming back again.

And that's when Michael decided
to try out a new line.

Okay, I will stay.

The Bluths were waiting
for news about Buster,

whom they'd just discovered
had been in jail.

Buster's been trapped here for months.

His mother was worried.

God knows what he's told them.

Like we don't have enough on our plate

with Lindsay running off
before the election.

I left word for Barry. The guy
in his office thinks bail's gonna be 50.

Well, you're paying for it, not us.

That would wipe me out, Mom.

This is your fault.

You lied to us about
Buster being missing

to teach us a lesson.

Because you lied to Buster
that I agreed to look after him.

I didn't lie.

I saw you that night at the pier
and asked you to.

For the last time, I was not there.
Or, if I was there, I have no memory.

Okay. Does it matter
who remembers what, Michael?

Just forget that.

Bluth?

Yes.

Only one of you.

Okay.

- What?
- You're the one he's gonna want to see.

He didn't want to see me
last time I talked to him.

He said he was all grown up
and found a new mother.

God.

What a baby thing to say.

I think this is a job
for the man in charge...

of the president, so, Dad.

Okay. I'll go in,

but I don't think it's gonna help
if I go in and take a swing at a guard.

Uh, maybe I s*ab one of them.

No, the only way you're stabbing
anything is if you have a Kn*fe.

That's what he meant.

- That's what I meant.
- Okay. I'm gonna go in.

It's getting rough out here. Guard?

So, Mom wouldn't come in, huh?

How'd you know she was here?

I can smell her on you.

Ah. Right. I forgot, you're good at that.

I remember that time
she changed her perfume

and she lost you at the park.

Yeah. That never happened.

It was at Nordstrom's, and Mother
was ambushed by the Charlie girl.

Yes. And we found you
in the break room with the Chanel man.

He should never have lost his job
for that.

What happened?

He was just giving me a Fanta!

I know I should've spoken up
for him, but I was only a boy.

- Barely out of my teens. I didn't...
- Currently.

I'm wondering what happened here.
You were supposed to lay low, remember?

Go to the station, say you're not missing.

That's what I did.
I was supposed to be mother bait,

but mother never came to pick me up.

Mm-hmm.

Did she even know I was missing?

No. You were no longer missing
after you got arrested.

Did you tell them that you found Lucille 2
passed out on the stair car?

I said "dead."

Maybe they said "dead,"
and I said, "I wish."

Why'd you do that?

I thought it was funny.

Oh, by the way,
I also told you that I saw her

on the stair car, Michael.

- I thought you were trying to be funny.
- You have a weird sense of humor.

Weeks earlier...

Tell me why she's there one minute
and gone the next.

...the cops had no sense of humor.

Maybe she crawled away.

She was always falling down
or crawling away

or rolling off-camera and stuff.

I don't know why it's a crime
to not know where someone is.

No. It's... This part is the crime.

Having seen he was
caught on camera,

Buster had tried to erase
the security tape.

Unfortunately, to do so,

he used his nephew's software, Fakeblock,

which was fake,
so it couldn't block anything.

- But it was easy to dance to.
- Oh!

That's because if you saw the first video,

you'd think,
"Why didn't that guy just erase this?"

Some might consider that
tampering with evidence.

- Thanks. You can go.
- Thank you.

You had me come
all the way down here

so I could play a video off our Dropbox?

Oh. "Okay, evidence guy,
we're done with you."

Well, it's your job.

Putting it on Dropbox is my job.

Walking a mile to my parking spot

'cause you can't admit
you don't know how to use Dropbox!

That's not even his job.

He's as much of a detective as someone

- with "detective" in their title.
- I don't care about

- the evidence guy.
- Join the club.

Why were you trying to erase a tape?

I panicked.

I had had a fight with Lucille 2
because she made me miss Mom's trial,

and I guess somebody saw us fighting,
and if anything happened to her,

you know they love to blame it
on the crazy vet.

Oh. I'm trying to do air quotes,

but they metal-strapped my hand
because people were using it

to make tattoos when I was asleep.

- What's going on with the other?
- This is so I don't take the strap off.

Got it. Okay, I got a call into Barry.

He's gonna get you out, and I'm sure

nothing you've said is admissible,
unless you've...

Waived my rights to an attorney? I did.

- What for?
- What for? You told me to.

Plus, I didn't want the evidence guy
to have walked all that way for nothing.

Michael had just left the prison

- when his attorney called.
- I'm here.

At the prison? You're at the prison?

Yeah. And I'm not making a lot of friends,
either.

The guards hate me, 'cause what is
a defense attorney doing here?

And the inmates hate me,

'cause what is a defense attorney doing
in the shower?

What are you doing in there, Barry?

Legally, it's the only place
they can't record you

when you talk to inmates.

- I don't think that's true.
- Really?

- I got the worst clients.
- Look, have you seen Buster?

No, my hands are tied till you post bail.

I think the clerk said it was $50,000.

Call Raphael at Atomic Bonds,
tell him it's for Barry.

We can talk next steps with Buster
at your place tomorrow in person.

- I prefer things face-to-face.
- Less chance of a misunderstanding.

Okay, I'll do it.
I'll get the bail. I'll cover it.

I just, I hope that our position
has not been greatly weakened.

Of course we're gonna have
a great weekend.

Talk to you later.

And so, the next day,
the family gathered

under a banner they'd been repurposing
for a party

customized to Buster's limited palate.

Uh, yeah, I guess I'll take
a hamburger with two tops.

Michael said Barry would be here
with Buster over an hour ago.

Maybe Buster made him stop
to make sure nobody found the body.

Lucille 2's fine.

Believe me,
she's somewhere with a new chin,

sipping steak through a straw.

You know,
if Buster was a m*rder*r,

your mother would be in danger.

Maybe I should move into the cottage
with you two.

That way, one of us can always be awake.

As your therapist, I encourage you

to let go of relationships
that don't serve you.

You're no longer my therapist.

Okay. We're making progress.

Then, as your roommate,
I encourage you to claim your space.

You're no longer my roommate.

You are just progressing
by leaps and bounds.

A victim of my own competence.

And this goes for your... hold this...

"acting partner," too.

Oh, he's more than my acting partner.

Much more. He's my, uh...

Boyfriend.

They think, they think
that we're boyfriends, Dad.

Well, thanks for giving away
that surprise!

I'm his bastard father.

This is my bastard son, Murphybrown.

Murphy? And his last name is Brown?

No. Murphybrown is his first name.

His last name is... uh...
Well, now it's Fünke.

- Oh, that's how you say it.
- Yes.

He's named after a famous
private investigator who worked

for the Chicago Sun-Times
and then for The Washington Post.

I believe it is a character from TV

that was played by Candice Bergen.

Mm.

Well, that is a coincidence.

Uh, now I have two things
to be embarrassed about,

the second being keeping this a secret
for so long, and...

I feel like I should apologize
to maybe...

half the people in this room,

but maybe most of all...

Mother Bluth, because bringing my son

back into our family
clearly drove Lindsay away.

Wait, Mom left?

Then why am I wearing this?

Oh, uh, before I forget,
this is your half-sister, Maeby.

Close one! I think

she's rather very hot.

She okay?

Oh, she'll be fine.

I was here for her entire childhood.

Let's put a nugget in your mouth.

You're being sweet to me.

He's here. He's here!

- Should we hide? Everybody, hide.
- He's innocent, coward.

Oh, God, Barry. Barry.

You guys, you guys, you are the best!

- This is so wonderful.
- Barry?

- Yeah?
- Where's Buster?

In jail.

Is this your cover
just to throw me this party?

- Thank you.
- Barry, what's... hang on.

What's going on? I talked to you.
I told you Buster was in jail.

You said you were, too,
and that if I could get bail

to your guy...

...then we can talk next steps with Buster

at your place tomorrow in person.

Thanks.

So, you're saying
I paid to bail you out?

You weren't gonna leave me there,
were you?

I did not know you were in jail.

That's why I like to do things
face-to-face, okay?

- Understood.
- Oh-ho-ho!

Michael, you did it!

You didn't know that Barry was in jail?

God, this is so...
This is hysterical. This is priceless.

One for the ages, Dad.

No, this is never gonna get
out of my system.

- You okay?
- What made you think Buster was in jail?

- You thought that he was gonna k*ll you.
- True.

G.O.B., Buster is in jail.

Oh. Right.

We were just there.

Michael made an honest mistake.

Geez, I hope Buster doesn't k*ll us
for laughing.

With danger lurking,
the Bluth family tightens their ranks.

- This doesn't leave this house!
- All right.

All right. It's fine.
The boy can be trusted.

Are we absolutely sure about that?

Why don't we let the boy
speak for himself?

Am I the boy?

- I've never heard a man ask that question.
- Nor have I.

You know
what would be a good idea?

Why don't you get me a Fanta
on your way out of the family.

It's in the fridge.

I don't know what's happening.