06x01 - Thwack

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "weeds"...

Gayle has a thing for me.

They're dangerous, andy.

Fornicators!

I'm gonna ask audra to marry me.

I want to give her my mom's engagement ring, the ring that judah gave you.

So, can I have it?

Well, in that case, I love you.

I love you more.

Hey, f*ck you.

Her name is pilar zuazo.

She is just protecting my public image.

No. Because she owns you.

This little milk ball was a mistake, mistake that would end the career of a very promising politician.

I am here to correct that mistake.

Mom?

You took a f*cking sh*t at me and you hit my kid.

Esteban needs you and the baby for photos, but, uh, silas and shane... They are... What's the word?

Extraneous.

We don't need them to complete our pretty pictures.

You come anywhere near my children, I'll k*ll you myself.

You look stunning in black.

The people will be very sympathetic toward the grieving mother who has just lost her beautiful children in a tragic...

Car accident?

Or perhaps a... Plane crash.

Or perhaps...

A croquet mallet?

I couldn't find a golf club.

It's cool how the lights change color.

I wonder if it's a saltwater pool.

It doesn't sting your eyes as much as chlorine.

Not that that's her issue.

Shane?

Don't let go of that stick... Thing.

It's called a mallet.

Oh.

We're on camera.

What?

Could be broken.

Uh, give me the stick.

It's called a mallet.

It's shaped like a mallet.

Mm. For hitting things hard.

Mallet.

You need to shut the f*ck up. Ow.

Ow.

You're hurting my hair.

Ow, ow.

Ow. Ow.

Where the hell have you been?

I could have been inside eating mini-sliders and making small talk with the king of nicaragua.

Nicaragua is a constitutional democracy.

Hey, could we get going?

I need to get home and feed the baby.

Gracias.

Now you're in a hurry, but when I'm waiting...

Is that such a good idea when you're on your way home to breast-feed?

Hey!

You're underage...

Thankfully.

I think I've earned it.

I think you've gone off the deep end.

Ha. Deep end.

No.

What's going on?

We'll talk about it later.

What'd you do?

I pegged out.

Why can't I get a f*cking straight answer from you people?

I, uh... Don't have words.

That bad?

How was your party?

Well, pack up you, pack up baby.

We need to be out of here in five.

Not coming back.

¿Que paso?

Cosas muy, muy malo.

Uh, vamonos.

Ahora. Rapido.

Why am I f*cking talking spanish to you?

Make.

Go. Do. Now.

Baby things.

We're leaving.

Hey. You wait a minute.

I like this one.

We both have that fiery latin thing going on.

And you better not let anything happen to this baby.

You hear me?

Gonna do my best.

Crazy lady.

Let's go. Air hockey.

I'd like to go in the house.

Chill a minute.

If you go in and I go in and mom comes out and we're still inside, she's gonna sh*t a hedgehog.

1-Nothing. Go.

Shane, what the f*ck happened at the party?

I k*lled pilar with a croquet mallet by the pool.

Goal.

Seriously. What happened?

Seriously.

I k*lled pilar with a croquet mallet by the pool.

She was gonna k*ll us, so I popped the bitch right in the melon.

Thwack!

Splash.

Dead.

You gonna sh**t?

3-Zip.

You suck.

You're serious.

As serious as dad's heart att*ck.

Now, in general, I don't like using that simile because some heart att*cks just aren't all that serious.

I mean, you recover, reduce your salt and fat, drop a few pounds, and life goes on.

But dad's... Dad's was serious.

You k*lled someone?

Yeah, but I'm family.

I mean, you got to still invite me to super bowl parties and sh*t like that.

I assume you're forfeiting the game?

Holy sh*t, shane.

I defended the family.

Mom's luck was running out.

You called it.

You're ps... You're psycho.

Mom said you stood and peed on her leg once when you were 3.

That's kind of freaky.

How f*cked up are you that you think that my 3-year-old squirt for attention is the same as you murdering a woman with a croquet stick?

It's a mallet!

I'll be in the car.

How did you do that?

I work for you. I'm always ready to flee.

You should know yourself better.

Will you call the g*ons and tell them we all went to the movies or something so there's no weirdness at the gate?

You know, in... In español.

Uh-huh.

Oh, si, señora. En español.

Would you happen to know anywhere esteban has some cash stashed?

In his closet in his black pointy boots, in the left pocket of his winter coat in the hall closet, and he has nice jewelry in the drawer in his bathroom...

Cuff links, watches.

Have you been casing my house?

I don't touch nothing.

I'm just a curious person.

Go, go, go, go, go!

Where's your brother?

I'm here.

I'm guessing we're not all headed to the police station.

So glad you guys talked.

Get in.

Are we coming back here?

Probably not.

"Probably not."

So you got to go in and grab all your sh*t, but I had to stand out here with my d*ck in my hand and leave everything behind.

Is that right?

Yeah.

Sorry.

So, so, so, so sorry.

For all the countless times I've left you holding your d*ck, I am sorry.

But now you have the handbook for what not to do.

And as we drive far away from here, we can talk about the many ways in which I failed you or we can play license-plate bingo.

I'll let you decide.

Move over. Climb over me.

I'm not sitting on the hump. Move over. I'm already buckled.

Well, unbuckle and move to the middle.

You really don't want to mess with me, you know.

Move over now!

Ow!

What is it with you and the v*olence?

Don't play the whole "I'm a k*ller now" card.

That is unacceptable.

Fine.

Are you a k*ller?

I don't like labels.

Maybe I shouldn't know about this.

No, you shouldn't. And you don't.

You know nada.

Silas, you drive. I think I'm drunk.

I'm buried. You have to dig me out.

Okay. Is everybody buckled?

Mom's not. Go.

If we crash, all this crap will cushion the impact.

I'm not going until everyone's buckled.

Someone has to be a role model around here.

I'd like you to drop me off at the bus stop, por favor.

Uh, me and stevie.

How does one out of two sound?

I can't talk you into it?

I make 'em, I keep 'em.

Maybe you should revisit that concept.

Shut it.

Are we gonna drive like this all night?

My thighs are going numb.

Mm, no. No, we're not.

Silas, drive to ren mar.

We're gonna need a bigger boat.

Of course.

Wouldn't want the shark feeling cramped.

Iey, guey!

No. Ay, si, si. Aqui.

Ay, no.

Claro, guey.

Hey.

Hey!

Oye.

Aaaaahhh! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Aah!

Isacame de aqui!

Oh, sst! Nance, don't go in there.

Andy?

Shh, shh, shh.

I need the keys to your van.

I'm going awa... Shh!

Away. You can keep the prius.

Audra is in there.

And I'm really, really in a hurry.

I fled, nancy.

When it came time for me to stand up and be a man, I abandoned my lady.

Did you happen to abandon her with your keys in your pocket?

No. She loves driving the van.

I'm going in.

An antiabortionist with a crossbow is holding her hostage.

f*ck!

Andy, I really need those keys!

Aah!

I don't know what I'm doing.

Does this mean I don't love her? 'Cause I d... I love her.

But I ran.

I left her alone with armed wacko christy man.

I'm taking him out.

That's what I should be doing.

So you do it.

Why haven't I done it yet? I don't f*cking know.

Do you have something I can clock him with?

Yeah, I have a-a-a bat and a big broom and a lawn statue.

Oh, sh*t.

She's never gonna forgive me.

Can we just talk for a minute?

They'll fine in there.

He's reading her bible verses or something.

Yeah, I don't have time for this.

You are so selfish.

I'm in crisis.

Andy, my child m*rder*d someone. I have to leave town now.

What?

What happened? Who did shane k*ll?

Why do you assume it's shane?

Yeah, well, anyway, it's really, really bad.

Oh, it's esteban.

It's not esteban. Did he k*ll esteban?

I got to say, I'm not shocked. Not esteban.

He didn't k*ll esteban.

Are you going in there or am i?

Why do you assume I'm just gonna give you my new van that I bought for me and audra as a sign of our love and our future together?

You fled.

I fled.

Listen.

I'll distract, and in a great act of machismo and devotion, you'll bash the guy and rescue your lady and then you'll give me the keys to your van.

Everything will be okay, okay?

Okay. Let's go. Have you been drinking?

My child m*rder*d someone. Fair enough.

I always do this. I make excuses.

But he is funny and bonkers in bed.

I really don't need to hear that.

Why do I keep picking losers?

That guy who drove the mustang seemed nice.

Huge mother issues.

Have you been stalking me for that long?

He and I broke up three years ago.

Let me save you, audra. Please.

Let's wash the blood of the unborn off of your hands and live together in the light of the lord.

We'll make babies. I have a trust fund.

Gayle, you're a religiously delusional schizophrenic.

You're a godless baby-m*rder*r!

But I'm willing to work with you because I love you.

Exodus, chapter 21... Are you taking your antipsychotics?

Off and on.

They make me fat.

Hey, audra. It's nance.

Just wondering if I could get a quick abortion.

Sit.

Sitting.

Of course he called you.

I really was just stopping by.

Can I get the keys to the van?

No talking. Hyah!

Ha!

Take that!

Aaaahhhh!

Oh! Okay.

Oh, sh*t.

I should smite you right now!

You hedonist!

Son of satan!

Oh!

Um, get him off me.

He's heavy.

I hope he crushes you.

I think we spend half our lives waiting on mom.

She keeps people waiting.

It's her announcement to the world that her time is more important than everybody else's.

I'm not sure if it's pure ego or false bravado.

You know why I peed on her leg?

When?

Last night.

What do you think?

When I was 3.

'Cause you had to pee and she was ignoring you.

Yeah.

Yeah, that was pretty much it.

Where do you think we'll go?

I have no idea.

What's it like?

What?

k*lling someone.

Do you feel different?

No.

Do you feel bad?

I don't know.

I don't feel bad.

At least not yet.

You tell me if they come. The... The feelings.

Sure.

What the hell does she have in these f*cking bags anyway?

This bracelet's tiny.

Are mom's wrists really this thin?

Uh, no.

But mexican d*ck is.

Oh.

I came back.

I came back armed.

I was defending you. I had to run.

If... If... If he had had us both tied up with the bow and arrow thingy pointed at our heads...

Bullshit. You bailed.

And then when you came back with mommy over there, she had to save your sorry ass.

I really was just stopping by.

Can I have the keys to the van now?

You're right, yeah.

Okay, you're right.

God. Aah!

I freaked. I panicked.

I don't... I don't know what happened.

Yeah, well, I do.

I f*cked up again. I let you in.

Big mistake, clearly. No.

Um, keys.

Ow.

Jesus.

Calm down.

I saved you. How about a thank you?

How about a f*ck you, bitch?

You crazy f*cking bitch.

You're married. You have children.

Why couldn't you stay away?

You keep him around like a little puppy dog.

You use him.

Well, I sincerely hope you guys work it out, but I've got to go.

Take him with you.

No, no, no.

I'm not dragging him into my sh*t anymore.

Nothing ever stopped you before.

Yeah, well, things have taken a turn.

You don't think I can handle it?

I think you should try to work things out with your fiancee.

There's nothing to work out.

I mean, look, all he wants to do is follow you down your next crooked road.

It's over.

Audra, don't. Please?

Let her go, you putz.

You're not good enough for her and you know it.

Shut up, nutballs.

Andy's wonderful.

He's loyal, scrappy.

He's funny and great with kids.

He's resourceful.

You can come if you want.

You have to know it isn't the healthy choice, but you can... Come.

I'd like you to come.

You shouldn't.

Do you want to come? Come on.

No, I want to stay here and start my life with this woman I love.

Um, that's not really an option anymore, andy.

We're not gonna work out.

I really hope you change your mind.

'Cause he's a good guy.

Hey, those are mine!

Yeah, they're mine now.

Proverbs 12:22...

I don't... I don't give a sh*t.

And I'm still drunk.

Andy, meet me by the van if you want to come.

I'm not. I'm staying here.

She's not changing her mind.

I'm not.

So I might as well just go with nancy.

I knew it! What?

I f*cking knew it.

"F." You failed.

"F." You get an "f."

You said there was no chance!

You were supposed to fight for me!

Ah! Go away. Just go away.

You stupid son of a whore.

You heard her! Get out of here!

What?! This is my house!

You get out.

I'm tied to the chair!

And you'll stay that way until the police get here.

Gayle, I am fond of you, but you need help.

Christ's love is all the help I need.

Yeah, keep thinking that. It's serving you so well.

You should go, andy.

I really do love you, you know.

Hello, police?

Yes, I'm at 124 abalone way in ren mar.

Yes, a man broke in and held me hostage.

That's right.

No, I have him tied up now. I was able to subdue him.

No, just me.

I have a restraining order against him.

Thank you. I'll stay on the line.

Audra?

Yes, still holding.

Andy's coming?

Yeah, sure. Why not?

Nothing left for me here.

I'm alone again, naturally. Ha ha ha.

I blew it.

Shocker.

Silas, be nice.

Sorry.

She was cute.

Thanks.

I liked audra.

But you'll get over it.

Time heals all wounds.

Well, not all wounds.

I guess you heard. Yes, I k*lled somebody.

Any questions?

No, I think I got it.

So, um...

What's all this crap?

It's all mom's. Not everything.

We weren't allowed to get our stuff.

I took some of your things, okay?

And we'll go shopping. It's just... Stuff.

"Just stuff"? Oh, okay, then. Fine.

How about we leave some of your stuff here because it's "just stuff"?

How about this lovely bag of shoes?

I'm an odd size to fit. Just put them in the car.

Okay, well, this is getting a little ridiculous.

Planning on playing a little croquet on the road?

That's the m*rder w*apon.

You k*lled someone with a mallet?

That's hard-core.

See, andy knows what it's called.

Maybe we should put it up on ebay.

"Genuine m*rder w*apon."

We're gonna need the money with all of our shopping.

Andy?

What?

So sorry to do this to you.

Silas is right about money.

You have to go back in that house and get bubbie's ring back from audra.

We may need it.

And it's your bubbie's ring.

You're f*cking kidding me.

Ring?

No ring.

Just drive.

Okay.

Hello, I'm jad abumrad. And I'm robert krulwich.

This is radiolab. Our topic today...

The parasitic wasp.

So, what it does is it flies around and it looks for a cockroach, it stings it, it can't run away.

It has essentially lost its will.

Well, parasites are very careful.

You know, they won't eat vital organs that will k*ll it.

God should not be personally blamed for having created parasitic wasps.

A parasitic wasp can insert its stinger into one specific part of the cockroach's brain, but then turns the cockroach into its sl*ve in a very elegant way.

That, to me, sounds like the purest description in nature of evil that I can imagine.

4! 1, 2, 3, 4!