01x07 - Sex and the Widow

[bunniefuu]

♪ Once there was a thing called spring ♪

♪ When the world was writing
verses like yours and mine ♪

♪ All the boys and girls would sing ♪

♪ As we sat at little
tables and drank May wine ♪

♪ Now April, May, and June ♪

♪ Seem sadly out of tune ♪

♪ Life has stuck a pin in the balloon ♪

♪ Spring is here ♪

♪ Why doesn't my heart go dancing ♪

♪ Spring is here ♪

♪ Spring is here ♪

♪ I hear ♪

Actual tear stains on the page.

I went through two boxes
of tissues, g*dd*mn you.

I'm sorry about that, but I am relieved.

Your message was so cryptic,
I was afraid you hated it.

I loved it! I had to tell you
in person, so you could see this.

I wanna fast-track it
for the Christmas season.

Oh my gosh. Oh, that's great.

- I just have one note.
- Okay.

This whole thing is...
so raw and honest,

and, let's face it, brutal.

I mean, you spend your whole career

writing about your quest for love,

and then, you finally find it...

and then he dies.

It's pretty dark. It's a real
departure for you as a writer.

Well...

that's what happened... He departed.

But, you're known for
writing "Sex and the City."

I'm afraid if we publish this as is,

your readers are gonna pitch
themselves out the window

clutching their tubs of Häagen-Dazs.

Oh, well, that is
certainly not what I want.

No. [LAUGHS]

I would love, and I
think this is very doable,

if you could give the reader
some element of hope.

Just a suggestion of a brighter future.

I mean, for example...
I imagine, at some point,

you're gonna start dating again, right?

Um, I...

I, I mean, I'm not even
thinking about that yet.

I hear you...

but... if there's a tiny part of you

that's open to the idea
of even just one date...

it would be great if it could
happen in the next few weeks.

I would love to hit that
stocking stuffer deadline.

Uh, you want me to go on a date?

Ooh, just to be clear,
I am just talking about

a toe dip into the dating pool. One guy.

It doesn't have to be a whole chapter.

It could just be an epilogue.

A single page, half a page.

Just... lookin' for
that glimmer of hope.

Okay.

CHARLOTTE: I'm here, I'm here.

Sorry. Sorry I'm late,
but I have good news.

Carrie agreed to be an auction item
at the school benefit.

- Sorry, it took so long.
- No, that's great.

I'm sorry if I was being pushy about it.

The benefit committee's
just all over me to get

more flashy auction items.

Oh, and remember, for this match,

the redhead is deadly at the net.

Right, and the other one
has that k*ller serve.

I could barely return it last time.

TENNIS PLAYER: Let's go! Come on!

["EYE OF THE TIGER" BY SURVIVOR PLAYING]

- Oh, we can b*at these b*tches.
- Oh, we can, and we will.

♪♪

- Good one!
- Push it!

♪ Face to face, out in the heat ♪

- ♪ Hanging tough, staying hungry ♪
- LISA: Charlotte!

k*ll it! Nice!

♪ They stack the odds 'til
we take to the street ♪

Let's go!

♪ With the skill to survive ♪

- Yeah!
- ♪ It's the eye of the tiger ♪

- Crush it! Yes!
- ♪ It's the thrill of the fight ♪

♪ Rising up to the challenge
of our rival ♪

- ♪ And the last known survivor ♪
- It's yours!

- ♪ st*lks his prey in the night ♪
- CHARLOTTE: Good one.

- ♪ And he's watching us all ♪
- Yeah!

♪ With the eye ♪

- ♪ Of the tiger ♪
- [LAUGHING]

MIRANDA: I don't
understand where you are.

I'm exactly where I said I would be.

No! That's the bad vegetable
stand where the guy's mean.

I'm at the good place,
farthest from our house

with the squash... opposite end.

Steve, can you hear me?

Just find me, okay?!

Hi, um, what are the green ones called?

Miranda Hobbes, you are
failing heirloom tomatoes.

- Oh my god! Hi!
- DR. WALLACE: Hi! Ha, ha.

Okay, I never wanted you
two to meet, but here we are,

so, Miranda Hobbes, this is my husband,

- Andre Rashad.
- MIRANDA: Hey.

- Andre, this is Miranda.
- Hey, nice to meet the woman

- that b*at up Chucky in the subway.
- Oh.

Yeah, I hear things.

It's my greatest accomplishment.

I, I am still having nightmares, though.

[LAUGHING]

Hey, should I run over
to the cheese woman?

I want to stay ahead
of a dangerous cheese shortage.

He's not tryin' to impress you.

He really is this cute.

Be right back.

Oh, my God. That kiss.

If you two were a TV show,
I would be streaming you.

Oh, well, it would be a drama

'cause I got my period this morning.

Oh, sh*t. Oh, I'm sorry to hear.

Yeah, we're still,
you know, off the IVF,

but trying, and I was
almost two weeks late.

- Mm.
- I shouldn't have told him.

I mean, the man is
good at a lot of things,

but cautious optimism
is not one of them.

[SIGHS] I am dreading
telling him, Miranda.

I am so done with all of this.

STEVE: Hey...

This place is bullshit.

Why do they keep movin'
everything around?

Oh, Steve, Steve, this
is, uh, Nya, my professor.

- DR. WALLACE: Hey.
- I have been dying to meet you.

You are the only person
I know who intimidates her.

I think we intimidate
each other, actually.

STEVE: Ah, my wallet! sh*t!

You know, y-you got me
so freakin' distracted

when you're yellin' at
me about the squash guy,

I left my, I left my wallet
over where the pickle guy

who used to be over in that corner.

I, I gotta, I gotta go get it.

Um, really nice to meet
you, Professor, all right?

- Oh, sorry.
- No worries.

So, that's my Steve.

- Here comes my guy, so would you...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Got the last of the Bloomsday.
- MIRANDA: Ooh.

- There we go.
- See?

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING]

Hi.

Oh, Amanda?

Mm, Carrie. sh*t. [LAUGHS]

- Sorry to drop in, um, unannounced.
- No, no, no. I love it.

You just caught me with a milk
mustache. I mean, what am I? Five?

This is my fourth cappuccino today.

I think... I've lost track.

Come sit with me while I vibrate.

Oh, do you want one? They're free.

Oh, no. I'm, I'm good.
Thank you. Thank you.

So... what's up?

Well, um, I, I got the book cover
proposals that you sent over,

and now, I'm worried.

Oh my God.

I thought the covers were stunning,

especially number two
and... number five.

So spare and arresting.
Just takes my breath away.

But, maybe, the book is too heavy.

You know, I mean, even you said that

my readers don't want
all that sadness from me.

Maybe, I just...

Maybe, I just needed to
write the book for myself.

I respectfully disagree.

In fact, when I pitched
the idea of the epilogue

to Oprah's Book Club people,

they got very excited, and said
they were definitely interested.

- Oprah? Really?
- Mmm-hmm.

- So, I guess I'm goin' on a date.
- [CHARLOTTE GASPS]

I've been waiting for you to be ready.

We had this whole wave of
divorces at school this year,

and I know three adorable dads
who'll be fighting over you.

Well, I'm not exactly ready.

It was mandated by my editor...

and Oprah.

- Really?
- Seriously?

Well, when Oprah mandates a man date,

- what're you gonna do?
- Date a man.

- [LAUGHS] Yeah.
- And I thought about it,

and I figured...

if I can lighten my hair,
I can lighten my book, right?

CHARLOTTE: Yes.

Oh, and they're all
gonna be at the benefit,

so you can meet them there.

No one anyone knows.

You know, I'd rather, I'd rather

go the anonymous route,

since this is, basically, a stunt,

you know, to give my, my
readers a glimmer of hope.

Is there an app that knocks you out

while they post your photos,

fill out those questionnaires,

and, oh my God, I'm gonna be sick.

It's already done. I listed
you on three different sites.

I narrowed it down to one.
I don't want to waste your time.

- When?
- Valentine's Day on my lunch break.

Nobody buys real estate in the winter,

so I decided to list you.

You staged me, like an apartment?

You're doing very well.

There's a lot of buzz.

- Am I?
- Yeah... check it out.

- Let me see, let me see.
- Yeah, let's see!

- [MIRANDA GASPS]
- CHARLOTTE: Oh my.

- I'll date the dog.
- [ALL LAUGHING]

Well, he's objectively handsome.

To who?

Why is he chewing his glasses?

In my experience, glasses
chewers are good in bed.

Doesn't he look like he would be?

All right, no sex for me, indefinitely.

All I need out of this is
pleasant enough conversation,

so I can be a stocking stuffer.

So, no sex for you... ever?

Well, honestly, the thought
of never having it again

feels really strange,
but the thought of...

having sex with anyone

other than Big just makes me...

- sick to my stomach.
- Yeah, makes sense.

But maybe I've had my share of all that.

You know, when I look
back at my dating life,

it was such a roller coaster,

and I'm talking one of
those old, wooden ones

where it's more
life-threatening than fun.

Oh, I would k*ll to get
back on the roller coaster.

I've been riding
the monorail for too long.

I was hoping things
were better with Steve,

'cause you hadn't said anything.

No.

As I've always said,
"No news is no news."

Speaking of, what's the lifespan
of an unanswered text?

Three days, three weeks, three months?

Three months? Try three hours.

- Che, huh?
- Yeah.

They never ask about me
at the podcast, do they?

You know, Che's been back
and forth to L.A. a few times,

and you... listen to the podcast.

- They ride all the rides.
- [SIGHS] So...

guess I'll have to file
that away as a crazy one-off,

and resign myself to
having a dead sex life.

I can't believe that I had the most

transcendent sex of my life...

and it'll never happen again.

Well...

I know how you feel.

But Big is, actually, dead.

Maybe your sex life with Steve is...

- just in a deep coma?
- Mm.

- CHARLOTTE: Hey, honey.
- Hey!

You havin' a little midnight toast?

- I felt like a nosh.
- Oh.

So, I ran into Herbert
Wexley on the subway today.

Since when does Herbert
Wexley ride the subway?

My guess is he thinks
it'll boost his street cred

- if he ever runs for mayor.
- Oh!

Anyway, we bonded over our
wives' mutual tennis addiction.

Oh, that reminds me.

We're actually playing
again tomorrow morning.

You know... I'm not half bad at tennis.

Herbert said he played in high school.

Uh-huh.

How come you never ask the boys
to join for some mixed doubles?

- Never occurred to me.
- Is it occurring to you now?

Harry... would you like to
play some doubles with us?

I would love that.

Uh, Cubana House has a table at : .

- Are we feeling Cuban tonight?
- Sí.

- Why is this guy on my tail?
- CAR: Car play activated.

Text from Miranda: "So
sorry you're not pregnant,

and I hope it went
well when you told AR."

- DR. WALLACE: sh*t!
- ANDRE RASHAD: Wait... Just, Nya.

- Just stop. Just drive.
- "You two seem like a really

- "strong, happy couple."
- It's too late.

- It's too late. I heard it.
- "Heart emoji."

- "Heart emoji. Miranda."
- Sorry.

I was gonna tell you I got my period.

And you, you told one of your
students before you told me?

- Well, not exactly. It was...
- Red light, red light!

- [TIRES SCREECH]
- Oh! My God!

- Sorry, are you okay?
- No, I'm not okay.

You want to tell me why
I'm learnin' this news

from Stephen Hawking
instead of my own wife?

Excuse me? Yes, hello.

You might wanna watch
where you're going!

- I'm really sorry.
- It's a red light!

I mean, open your
eyes! It's a crosswalk!

- Sir, she said she was sorry.
- I have a toddler!

Okay, sir, you need to check yourself.

You need to check yourself!

Is he seriously comin' for me?

I have a toddler!

I have a toddler!

He has a toddler.

[HORN HONKS]

Look, I'm, I'm really, really sorry.

"Sorry that I learned
about it from a robot,"

or, "Sorry this isn't happenin'?"

Both.

[MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING]

♪♪

We're comin' to get you guys. Look out!

Yeah, that's what you think!

- [GRUNTS]
- CHARLOTTE: Nice sh*t!

- Got this one.
- HERBERT: Nice sh*t.

- [GRUNTS]
- HARRY: Good one, babe.

- Uh!
- LISA: Nice, baby.

- CHARLOTTE: No!
- [LISA LAUGHING]

Babe, you gotta go for the ball.

I told you, don't hold back.

I could say the same to you.

You know what they call
this part of the court, don't ya?

- Divorce Alley.
- Whatever.

This is match point. Let's
just stay loose. We got this.

- LISA: Let's go, guys.
- Here we go.

CHARLOTTE: I got it!

- [THUD]
- [HARRY GRUNTS]

HERBERT: It's yours! Sorry.

Damn you!

Woo! [LAUGHS]

Woo! Oh, honey, are you okay?

I'm okay, I'm okay.

[GRUNTS] Just an old Jewish
guy tryin' to play sports.

CHARLOTTE: That was thrilling!

I'm so relieved. It can be
dicey to play with other couples

'cause you never know how it's gonna go,

but I think we were really well matched.

Why are you so quiet, Harry?

Well, don't you have somethin'
you want to say to me?

- Like what?
- Maybe, "I'm sorry."

- Sorry for what?
- Ya knocked me over, babe.

- By accident.
- Yeah, but you never even said "sorry."

It hurt my feelings.

Are you serious right now?

- It's common courtesy.
- We were playing tennis.

And there's no rule against
the word "sorry" in tennis.

I went for the ball, which you had
literally just mansplained me to do.

- Wait, what now?
- You heard me.

You can be a bit of a mansplainer,

but I had let it go on the court

because you're my partner,
and you have to let

the annoying stuff go if you wanna win.

And we did win, but I got
knocked down in the process,

and I'm just asking
for a simple apology.

That's insane!

- I'm not apologizing!
- What's the big deal? It's two words!

You're making it a big deal

by bringing it up in the first place!

I could argue that you're
making it an even bigger deal

by refusing to apologize.
Why is this so hard for you?

Because I have nothing to apologize for.

We were playing a game.
What is wrong with you?

Are you five years old now?

No, I just feel like
I'm owed an apology.

What is your g*dd*mn problem?!

I will not apologize
for playing good tennis!

You're driving me f*cking crazy!

Great... now they think
we're that couple.

What couple?

The couple who fights in the street.

[PHONE CHIMES]

Goddammit. If Frank bails
on me one more time...

- I'm down to one busboy now.
- Oh, I'm sorry. That sucks.

Yeah.

- Hey... I have an idea.
- Just a sec.

Mm-hm.

STEVE: Whoa.

Wait, wait, wait. Hey, ooh. Hey.

- What's... come over you?
- I'm, I'm just in the mood.

It's been too long for me.

Okay, but it's not even : .

Brady and Luisa might be
comin' through that door.

Then hurry!

Kiss my neck. Come on, do it.

Finger me.

- Really?
- Yeah, really.

Hey. Hang on.

I'm a little rusty.

[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

♪♪

Oh.

Is that right?

Um... well...

um, here, here. Here try this.

- Huh?
- Here.

Mm.

You're a little... Yeah.

You want me to go get some lube?

Uh... no. I mean, I'll, I'll,
I'll, I'll get it. I'll get it.

You, uh, you want me
to put the lid on this,

and put it in the fridge, huh?

- Sure.
- They smell.

Yeah, I, I guess
I should finish loading.

Are you sure? You really had
me goin' there for a minute?

Uh-huh. Let's, Let's just have dessert.

[DISHES RATTLING]

[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING]

♪♪

Hi, I'm Carrie.

- Peter. It's nice to meet you.
- Yeah, likewise.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

So...

I have to admit, um...

this is my first date
since my wife d*ed.

Really? Yeah, me too.

Oh.

Okay.

How did your husband die,
if you don't mind me asking?

No, um... he had a heart att*ck.

- And your wife?
- Cancer, uh, ovarian.

God.

I think we're gonna need some drinks.

[CHUCKLES] Yes.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

I can't. I can't.

I don't... [LAUGHS]

[COUGHS]

CARRIE: Oh my God!

- Oh.
- [BOTH RETCHING]

- Oh my God, I'm sorry.
- [RETCHING CONTINUES]

Ugh.

HERBERT: Arbor School parents,

we all know why we're
here this evening, right?

We are here to raise money,

and I want to see all
of those arms raised

when my lovely, lovely co-host, Lisa,

tells you about the next item
that we have up for auction.

[SOFTLY]: Number ,
a rock-climbing expedition.

- Speak, speak into the microphone.
- Oh, sorry.

- I'm not an entertainer.
- [HERBERT LAUGHS]

Number , a rock-climbing expedition.

Sweetheart, speak into the microphone,

or they won't hear you.

Number , a rock-climbing expedition.

[SHOUTS]: For up to five people!

Apologies to my readers.

There is no light at
the end of the tunnel.

- Just vomit.
- CHARLOTTE: That's awful!

You're the one that started
this whole dating again.

- Me? It was Oprah.
- Just take the hit.

I once sh*t myself on a date.

- What? I'm empathizing.
- I appreciate it,

but unless you sh*t yourself on
a date after your husband d*ed,

I win "worst night ever."

Congratulations.

[SIGHS] I can't find
the Stephen Colbert taping

that Lily made us swear we'd win
for her in the silent auction.

That was for Rock, and
I already bid on it.

Lily wants the vintage sneaker thing.

You guys, I have to
go help Harry, sorry.

What? Did you hear what
you just said just then?

- What?
- "Sorry." You said "sorry."

How did you sh*t yourself on a date?

Oh, good. We're back here.

Seventh grade.

My parents made me take Connie
Delucca out for ice cream.

Ten minutes in, my shorts were
filled with chocolate chocolate chip.

- My body knew.
- Yeah... I still win.

Followed by dessert at Serendipity.

Yes... so...

And we're gonna start
the bidding at $ ,

which... could cover
a single piece of cake there.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[QUIETLY]: Uh...

The point is, it just...

It rolled off your tongue,

you know, no big deal, no drama,

so, you know, why can't it
just roll off your tongue to me?

Because it can't.

Oh, look! Here are the sneakers.

You have said it times
since we left the house tonight.

- You've been counting?
- I'm a man on a mission.

And the last time was just a minute ago

to a lady in the lobby
who bumped into you.

Exactly. Women apologize
to the whole world

all day long for everything.

Tennis is the one place
that I don't have to do that.

So, as Demi Lovato would say...

"Sorry... not sorry."

Do they have any couples
counseling sessions

anyone can bid on anywhere here?

I'm just gonna go back
in, and tell Amanda

I didn't find that glimmer of hope.

Guess my book's dead, too.

Darn. My sad book keeps getting sadder.

Speaking of dead things...

I tried to revive my sex
life with Steve the other day.

I, I really tried hard,

and I'm afraid...
the patient is non-responsive.

- So... no pulse?
- No pulse at all.

It was like two dead people

trying to get it on, like zombie sex.

And you're sure you guys wouldn't
consider going back to a therapist?

We tried twice. We
don't need a therapist.

We need the cast of "The Walking Dead."

Listen, before we get to all of that,

we have a special treat that
we know you're going to enjoy.

Someone you'll be grateful
to hear is not the two of us.

- [ALL LAUGHING]
- Yes, you can see

- this amazing performer...
- Use the mic. I beg of you.

In their Netflix comedy
special "Check the Box,"

- put your hands together for Che Diaz!
- Che Diaz!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Hi! Yes, aw!

Uh, you know what? I'll just
take hers. She's not using it.

- HERBERT: Hey!
- [ALL LAUGHING]

Woo! How we all doin' tonight?

[CHEERING]

Yeah, you know, this auction's
taking longer than I did to come out.

It's wild.

So, listen, I usually
do about a -minute set,

but don't worry, they've
asked me to keep it clean,

so I should be done here in
about three minutes. Yeah.

[ALL LAUGHING]

That's Che! Che's performing?

Oh, yeah. You know what, Charlotte
roped me into participating,

then I roped in Che, which,
actually, wasn't that big...

Oh, okay, well. The cheese stands alone.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[SOFTLY]: Oh my God.

Well, I am not getting laid tonight.

Zero hotties here,
except for the servers,

and I have a strict
no cater-waiter policy.

He's here.

- Who?
- The teacher I went

on a date with last night.

- Professor Puke? Where?
- Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm.

He's, um, he's at the bar.
Wait, is that even him?

It's hard to tell because I'm seeing
more than the tops of his shoes.

You know what? Stand in front of me.

It's all right. Thanks.
Have a good night.

CARRIE: Is he leaving?

Oh, yeah, it's okay. He's leaving, okay.

You know what? Can you follow him out,

and then come back and
tell me when you're sure

he's out of the building and gone?

You want me to off him,
too? What am I, Mossad?

- My husband d*ed.
- You get one more of those.

Okay. Go. Fast.

We know we're not your
core demo, but we love you.

- Aww.
- Yeah. She turned me on to you.

I watched your special, like,
I don't know, like, times.

My husband's like, "Veronica,
what's goin' on with you?"

I did. I read that piece on you
in "Vulture" and got addicted.

- Ohh.
- Addicted.

[FANS CHATTING]

[STILL CHATTING]

But we're fans for life, like, for life.

Listen, I so appreciate
this. I see someone I know,

- so I'm just, uh...
- Do your thing.

- We'll be here a while.
- CHE: Okay. Okay!

FAN: Fans for life!

Hey, Rambo. Were you just gonna
leave without saying hello?

Oh, hi. No. I, I mean, um...
you were, you were busy,

and I, I was standing
there... for a while,

and it, it looked like that
was... gonna take a while,

so, I just, you know, I called an Uber.

Mmm. Okay, okay.

So, how have you been?

I've been fine, thank you. And yourself?

What's... going on?

Why are you, why're you being weird?

Well, I don't know how to be...

You never wrote me back.

You wrote me?

DM'd me back or whatever.

- Well, when did you DM me?
- Like three months ago.

Three months? Miranda...
I-I've done a ton of weed.

I, I can't... I can barely
remember three hours ago.

Plus, I get a lot of DMs.

- I'm sure.
- Okay, no.

I meant there's so much volume.

I, I wasn't being a d*ck. I just...
I, I seriously just didn't clock it,

and I'm sorry.

You're busy. I'm busy. It's all good.

- [CHE LAUGHS]
- Did I just say, "It's all good?"

You should've just DM'd me again.

Ask for what you want. That's a turn-on.

I didn't know that.

I'll tell you what I want...

I wanna go someplace with you...

and take off all your clothes.

- Really?
- Really.

[PHONE CHIMES]

Well, my Uber is here.

I have a : AM flight. I have to go.

No, you can't go.
The auction's not finished.

You didn't tell me the
drama club was doing

three songs from "Dear Evan Hansen."

- I love you so much.
- Yeah, : AM flight.

- You can finish this without me.
- Are you crazy?!

I am awful! I can see
it in people's eyes.

They're like, "Oh god, not her again."

What do you care if other
people think you're awful?

How could you say that to me?

- Say what?
- That I'm awful.

- I didn't say that.
- Y... Okay...

Mr. Improv holdin' all the cards.

I'm out there humiliated, doing my best,

and you're gonna stand
here and say that I'm awful?

No, no, no. I said that people...

I didn't say that. I said people,
people said that you were awful,

- but I didn't...
- Hi.

We-we-we're just lookin'
for the restrooms.

- Hey!
- Yeah. Yeah!

Sorry.

- No, no.
- I'm so sorry.

Uh, watch your step there.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Oh, great. Now they think
we're that couple.

- Yeah, I'm sorry.
- Give it up for the Arbor School

drama department, ladies and gentlemen.

I love you, baby. How
can I make it up to you?

The Arbor School drama
department, everyone!

And sold! Item number ,

a case of wine donated by
a seventh-grade parent from...

wow, vineyard in Tuscany.

HERBERT: Enjoy your wine, all right!

Carrie, you can't leave.

Your item hasn't even
been auctioned off yet.

I'm sorry, but according
to Gay Mata Hari,

this is my window.

A date with sex writer
Carrie Bradshaw, huh?

- It was lunch, a lunch date.
- That's...

That's what I told them.

I was only on the gathering committee,

not on the program committee.

A date with sex writer Carrie Bradshaw.

Starting bid, $ .

And sex writer? Like what-what-what?
Like I write p*rn?

Um, you know what? It-it's
not a date. It's a lunch date.

And she's not a sex writer.
She writes about relationships,

- and the nuances that go...
- Okay, please stop.

Please, please stop.

Okay, thank you for that
clarification, Charlotte, um...

Carrie Bradshaw... Is that who...?
That's Carrie Bradshaw.

Ladies and gentlemen, Carrie Bradshaw.

Why don't you come on
up here and help me out?

- Lord knows I need it, right?
- Oh, no, no, no.

You're doing just fine, just fine.

HERBERT: Oh, come on.
Come on, for the kids.

Hey, a round of applause for
Carrie Bradshaw, everybody.

- Our friendship is now over.
- Come on, it's for the kids.

Hello.

- I'm good, Herbert. How are you?
- All right, starting bid...

Date with sex writer
Carrie Bradshaw, $ .

Anyone?

- Can't! We're all married.
- HERBERT: Ah, that's true.

But it is a lunch date, not sex, right?

Definitely not sex. [AWKWARD LAUGHTER]

$ .

- Oh, $ . $ , yeah.
- [GLASS BREAKS]

- There we go, $ .
- No, no, no, no.

We, we have a spill here.
We need a waiter.

- Okay...
- Do something!

She's about to implode like
the house at the end of "Poltergeist."

[SHOUTS]: $ ! $ !

[QUIETLY]: Oh, dear.

- HERBERT: $ .
- $ !

Well, now Charlotte's
biddin' against herself.

Pump the brakes, babe. Pump the brakes.

You know what? I bid a thousand.

I bid a thousand, and
now, you can, uh...

- Okay, a thousand dollars.
- Yep.

Going once... Going twice.

PETER: $ , .

HERBERT: $ , .

Once, twice, sold, $ , .

Uh-oh. He must've snuck back
in when I was in the men's room

getting a handjob
from that cater-waiter.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Carrie.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Uh...
- Well, what are the odds?

Wait, you're a, you're a math
teacher. You probably know.

Well, it definitely involves an
X to the... power of hangover.

- [SIGHS]
- Listen, uh, don't worry.

We-we don't actually
have to go out again.

Yeah. And I'm happy to cover your bid.

- Oh, no.
- You know, that was clearly

charity for all parties.

No, no, no, no. I wouldn't think of it.

I'm impressed you even
remember the subject I teach.

Oh, uh, that's the extent, really.

Well, we should go out again.

We have so much to discuss.

Like, how did I get home? [LAUGHS]

Did, did we even pay for those drinks?

- Oh, we paid.
- Yes, yes we did.

Oh... yeah, okay. Let's do it.

- It's for the kids.
- For the kids, yes.

[CHUCKLES]

- Okay.
- Okay. [CHUCKLES]

- Good night.
- Good night, okay.

I've never felt anything
so intense in my life.

[PANTING]

I think I'm in love with you.

You're in love with you... with me.

And the weed doesn't hurt.

No, no. It's not just that.

True, I'm also very good at sex.

- You... are.
- [BOTH LAUGHING]

[MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING]

♪♪

[KEYS JANGLING]

♪♪

["BILLIE BOSSA NOVA" BY
BILLIE EILISH PLAYING]

CARRIE: And just like that...
I found a glimmer of hope.