07x01 - Bags

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "weeds"...

So done with this country.

We need to go far, far away.

Look, I'm going to copenhagen with or without you.

Oh, my sister nancy.

What a big f*cking surprise.

Agent lipschitz, my client is a very busy man.

Your wife, mr. Reyes...

Do ask her to call when you speak to her next.

I'll let her know.

And unless I get my son, it'll be turned over to the police.

And your son will be arrested for m*rder.

Are you sure you want to do that?

'Cause, once upon a time, I knew a lot.

Ow!

Dead hoes tell no tales.

Take her into the bathroom. Clean her up.

Andy? Yeah, yeah, shut up.

It's plan "c."

Nancy!

Did you do what I asked you to do?

Yeah....but... Where's the baby?

He's right over there.

Uh, I'm gonna change the baby. You guys go ahead.

She's not coming, is she?

No, she's not.

Silas, get on the plane.

So, the police won't know anything about shane?

You are a devoted mother, aren't you?

You'll say nice things about me to stevie?

I'll tell him his mother loved him very much.

She was willing to sacrifice everything for him, and it won't save you.

What will?

Nothing.

Except plan "c."

What's that?

Hands up! Hands up! Fbi!

I k*lled pilar zuazo. Please, arrest me.

Could you please, for the record, state your name?

Nancy botwin... B-o-t-w-i-n...

Number 81426-370.

Ms. Botwin, we have called this hearing today to determine whether or not you should be released early.

Wait.

I'm seeing she's only served three years of this sentence.

I'm sorry, ms. Botwin, you are not yet eligible for parole.

Right, but... Dan, she's eligible.

Halfway through.

We've been asked to rule on her case now. Who asked?

Tell you and not me?

You know, you're not higher-ranking, marci.

Maybe I'm easier to talk to.

Maybe you're just easier.

Could you two stop? Sorry, ms. Botwin.

Yes. Nancy botwin, 81426...

Ms. Botwin, after careful consideration...

Careful consideration? This is bullshit.

You want to throw a tantrum in front of an inmate, dan, that's fine... Go to town... Baby.

So I'm a baby for not wanting to set a k*ller free after three years?

Uh, i-it was manslaughter... Actually.

It was an accident... Self-defense. Sure.

Ms. Botwin, you are to be released to a halfway house, where you will serve out the rest of your sentence or until you have proven yourself rehabilitated, whichever comes first.

Effective immediately.

Wait, no. A halfway house?

I'm supposed to go into witness relocation.

No. I have nothing here about witness relocation.

Then there's a mistake.

Where's agent lipschitz?

Agent lipschitz?

Fbi agent lipschitz?

Maybe he's somewhere trying to change his name.

You're one to talk, babcock.

Better than "lipschitz."

We're done here.

This hearing is adjourned. Return the inmate to her cell.

Wait.

Well, i-i'm not going anywhere until you can guarantee my protection.

This is bullshit I have a deal!

I don't know what just happened.

What is it?

They're releasing me.

How?

I don't know, but it's happening.

They're sending me to a f*cking halfway house.

Esteban's gonna have me m*rder*d.

No protection, no answers... Nothing.

Uh...

Calm down. Relax. There must be a mistake.

No, there's no mistake. They're f*cking me over.

f*cking feds!

You know, they did the exact same thing to daria in block "c."

Three days she's out before someone finds her and sh**t her up the ass and then in the eye.

Not helping, zoya. sh*t. Sorry.

The ass and the eye?

What am I supposed to do?!

Look at me. I can't! I'm totally losing my sh*t here!

Oh, me too.

All right!

All right!

That's enough. You ready or what?

Shut up. You shut up!

You want trouble?

No, no, she doesn't. Please.

I'm coming.

Goodbye, zoychka.

Goodbye.

Wait, nancy.

I've been saving these for myself.

I want you to have them.

Make a plan for yourself... For both of us.

Who knows?

Maybe she'll get sprung soon, too, and you'll see each other on the outside.

She tied her ex-boyfriend to the bed, soaked him in kerosene, and then set him on fire.

Yeah, maybe not so soon.

You think you're so f*cking handsome you can walk around ignoring everyone else's needs!

Yeah, well, I have needs! I want a baby!

I thought I was your baby. Oh, that is not cute.

You're not a baby. You're a man.

You're a cruel man who won't commit!

Not my laptop!

Jesus, renata!

Nice save.

This is 'cause of your sister, isn't it?

You have to live your own life, renata.

This has nothing to do with stina and her stupid, smug baby!

This about us!

Well, I can't handle this version of "us."

Bastard! You're a bastard!

Can we not do this now?

We have a show in half an hour.

Oh, no more show for you, bastard!

You're out of the show!

And you will never puppeteer in copenhagen again...

This I swear.

Okay.

Sweetie, I know you don't mean that.

I'm gonna go now and try to fix the naked king, and maybe we can talk later.

Deep breaths.

Go home, silas.

No, come on. It's fine.

Just, uh, slap on a little more base.

Go home. There will not be any good photos today.

You got a zit the size of iceland on your chin.

Can't sigrid teabag me a little bit more?

She's really good at it.

Be back tomorrow at 9:00, and know that today is getting out of your check, my friend.

Oh! Come on, gunder.

I've doubled the sales of your weird flower water.

And for that only, I thank you.

Gunder. Gunder.

Hey, gunder! Come on!

Gunder?

Ah.

Everyone get a wienerbrod and a shirt, yes? Terrific.

We are standing in fristaden christiania, or the free state of christiania, the world-famous pusher street, which is... Was... World-famous for its open cannabis trade.

Brightly colored stands used to line the street here, where all manner of "soft dr*gs" were available for sale.

In 2004, the government decided to cr*ck down on the drug trade and razed all the stands but for one, which is now in the national museum.

As you can see, this action was completely successful, because there are no longer drug stands.

There are only tables up and down the street from which dr*gs are sold.

If you chose to support the local soft-drug trade, might I recommend buying from my friend thorben, third table down?

He has some lovely product.

You can tell him wonderful, wonderful tours sent you, or just show him your shirt.

Uh, one of the other ways christiania makes money is from the fabulous christiania cargo bikes.

The factory's right over there. Order one.

Have it shipped home. You'll love it.

Now, feel free to walk around this main area, but do not go up any side streets, do not take any photos, or someone will yell at you or hit you or both.

Uh, we'll be heading over to "the little mermaid"

In 15 minutes, so 15 minutes, right back here.

Have fun. Don't forget to, uh, stay hydrated.

Drink, drink, drink.

Wienerbrod?

No luck with, uh, carol from cleveland?

Ugh. Too needy.

Why don't you stop with the tourists, start going after danish chicks?

Tourists are on vacation.

Everyone's up for banging tall strangers on vacation.

They're easy pickings.

No, no. Time to put down roots, man.

Look at me... I'm a local character.

People point me out. God morgen!

'Cause I got a copenhagen wheel, and they say, "hey, there's fun bike andy."

Oh, "bike andy."

I thought they were saying "bi andy."

What? That's not an outrageous assumption.

I mean, you do shave your legs.

Wow.

Maybe they are saying "bi andy."

I hope this doesn't impact my campaign.

Who gives a sh*t?

You're running to be a leader of a group of smelly hippies.

If anything, it'll help.

Christiania is an independent country, doug.

I would run a country.

Yeah. Yeah.

I would like to run a country.

Then again, they're all a bunch of anarchists, so they'll never listen to anything I say anyway.

I'm sorry, what were you saying?

Hi.

Um, nancy botwin?

You have a visitor.

He's waiting for you in ed's office...

Through the door, down the hall.

Lipschitz.

We had a deal.

Deal's off.

f*ck you, "the deal's off."

You promised me witness protection.

It's no longer necessary.

W-why?

They found esteban's body in a corner of the prison yard.

When?

A week ago. You're safe now.

I'm sorry for your loss.

What about all my testimony, all the things I told you?

They were very helpful.

The zuazo case is closed.

The reyes cartel has disbanded.

Maybe some justice was served. Probably not.

The world keeps turning.

So, why am I here?

The fbi doesn't give a sh*t about you, but, hey, you made my career.

So this is the best I could do.

You can serve out the rest of your sentence here.

Or would you rather go back to prison?

Oh, no. I'm okay.

My stuff!

God!

Thank you. You're welcome.

So, what do we do now?

I have some papers for you to sign.

Always paperwork with you guys.

Well, this is the last of it.

In mere seconds, all connections, ties, deals, et cetera, between you and the federal bureau of investigation will be officially terminated.

And, uh, unofficially?

Our dance is done, ms. Botwin.

Aw. I'm almost feeling wistful about that.

Signature, please.

You're on your own now.

Good luck with the rest of your life.

Try to stay out of trouble.

Oh.

She's all yours.

Hi, nancy. So nice to meet you.

I'm counselor ed.

Why don't I show you around, give you the 5-cent tour?

Nothing less, nothing more.

We can, and will, perform supervised random drug tests at any time.

If you have taken dr*gs, we won't have missed them, and back you will go into the system.

You're quite the poet.

Well, it helps people remember.

Remember, personal items must be stored away out of sight and are subject to search at any time.

I also have to mention that we have our share of theft around here, although our policy is zero tolerance.

If you jack, you will go back.

Would you like me to lock your jewelry up in the office?

Yes, please. Wise choice.

Better under lock and key than subject to random thievery.

The refrigerator is locked.

You are allowed to bring in outside food, but dry goods only.

Over here is our dining room.

You drop a crumb, you grab the broom.

Did I miss lunch?

You did. Dinner will be in 2 1/2 hours.

I think tonight is spaghetti night.

Oh, no, no. Fish cutlets.

Come here.

I have low blood sugar.

Is there any way I could just run out and just...

You don't have low blood sugar.

I-i do.

I haven't eaten since breakfast.

You have the freebie-jeebies.

You just got out of prison and you think you're free, so you want to get out, hit the streets, smell some fresh air, buy a coffee, and flirt with a stranger.

You can't fool me.

I didn't just fall off the turnip truck.

You learn to trust, then you adjust.

Oh, what's wrong?

Migraine.

You're okay.

No, ed. No. I'm really not... Okay.

I've spent the whole morning moving from one prison to another.

I'm hungry. I'm tired.

I thought being released would...

...give me some sense of, uh, well, um... Release.

Please forgive me if I'm sad.

Right now, life feels really bad.

Nice.

Thank you.

They give you gate money when you were processed out?

$100 And a bus ticket.

You got two hours.

Two hours for what?

To buy some food and feel free.

Then you get your ass back here and join the ranks of stability house.

Keep your nose clean and show me that you're on the road to rehabilitation.

If you are one minute late, I will call the police, have you arrested, and thrown back in jail.

You come in late, you seal your fate.

10-4.

Nancy?

Did you get computer privileges?

Where are you?

Manhattan. Manhattan?

I'm living in, um, a halfway house in washington heights.

Please don't tell anyone yet.

I want to get myself together first, get settled, get stevie back with me.

C-can I see him?

Uh, he's watching his movie with the girls.

It's his reward for spending five nights in a row sleeping in his own bed instead of always coming into ours.

How, um... How were you released?

You didn't even serve half of your thing.

Good behavior. Overcrowding.

I don't know, jill. Can... Can you get him?

I don't have a whole lot of time.

We need to discuss this.

Scott and i... Girls! God damn it!

Annancy!

Hi.

How's my baby boy?

Come on, buddy. You're missing the movie.

It's the good part.

Okay, you saw him. You happy?

What did he call me?

"Annancy"... "Aunt nancy."

I show him your picture.

Uh, we got to go.

Talk to you later.

She's out? Yep.

She's in a halfway house in washington heights.

Maybe she'll date a puerto rican kingpin next.

How is she? What did she say?

She said, "don't tell anyone I'm out."

So you called us right away?

I don't take orders from my sister.

Isn't it enough I'm raising her child?

Can we say hi to stevie?

Scott just took him out for lunch with the girls.

I'm hosting a kegel workshop here later.

I got to shave. I have to make onion dip.

I got to go. I'll talk to you guys later.

Bye.

Is washington heights closer to jfk or laguardia?

What are you doing over there with the tap-tap and the questions?

Mom's out.

What about renata?

Aren't you still her little puppet boy?

They're marionettes, assh*le.

And renata just wants me for my sperm.

She sounds perfect.

Shane, you heard jill. She doesn't want us to know.

Now, why doesn't she want us to know?

I've stopped trying to figure out how that woman thinks.

It's beyond all normal comprehension.

It's hot, huh?

It's good.

You sweat good... Get all your crap out.

Wow.

You certainly must have a high tolerance for heat.

I come from a very cold place.

This is warming 34 years of cold in my bones.

Minnesota.

So, aren't you supposed to do, like, hot/cold, hot/cold, like in, then out...

Then back in again?

Are you trying to get rid of me?

If you want to be naked, be naked.

I don't care. I used to look like that.

What are you doing?

Scavenger hunt.

Somebody left something behind one of these rocks.

She's on a scavenger hunt.

Thank you, zoya.

You're gonna put those all back now, right?

There.

Good?

What? You're going now?

A few hours.

What are you doing?

Going to new york to find mom.

And then what? I don't know.

She went to jail for me.

Now she's out, so I'm going to find her.

Mm.

You don't think I should come, too, do you?

Do whatever you want.

'Cause new york's a big city.

I'll be fine.

She left me in charge of you guys.

Plan "c," she said...

"Run, take care of my children, somewhere cold with great smoked fish."

But that was it. She released us.

She never said, "and then come back immediately when I get out."

Was that an implied part of it? God damn it, nancy.

Be a man. Make your own decision.

Huh.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. f*ck it.

I'm not... No, I'm not going.

I'm...

Oh, I got a campaign to run.

I'm gonna rule a nation.

Although neils did just pull ahead by 20 points in the polling.

Fine. Then I'll throw out this e-ticket.

You need me.

No, I just wanted to rack up as many charges as I could on the credit card before renata canceled it.

One for you, too, doug.

I'm not left behind?

It's a middle seat. Thanks a lot.

Would you guys shut up already?

I need sleep. I got a sh**t in the morning.

Forget your sh**t. We're going to america...

Land of hot sauce and catastrophic wealth imbalance.

Go ahead, give silas his ticket.

I didn't get him one.

What? Why not? He's fine here.

He has his flower water thing.

You're all going?

Um... I...

Yeah. Shane needs me.

Okay.

Besides, you hate mom.

I do not hate mom.

Whatever you say.

Go. Pack.

I'll tell mom you say "hi."

She's just gonna f*ck you up again.

No, she's not. She's been rehabilitated.