07x01 - Stunted

[bunniefuu]

2:00 PM, Burbank, flight 230, American.

All right, good deal. I'll have a girl there.

You want Rachel? Yeah, Rachel will be there, I guarantee it.

Thanks. You are wanted.

Why wouldn't I be? Go.

Going. Abby, don't hate me. You're going to Reseda.

I love Reseda. Sarah, I need you on the phone.

What?! Where's the guy that does that? I fired him.

He stole Vince's MTV Award. Oh.

I'll replace him. Just do it for me today? Sure.

And where the hell is Alex? I don't know.

I'm here, I'm here! You're late.

You're late again.

LA is so confusing.

You have a nav system.

You rely too much on those, Turtle, your brain turns to mush.

You can't even find your way home.

Looks like you can't even find your shirt.

Turtle, it's okay. She can wear mine.

Yeah? Yeah yeah.

See? We're all good. Just turn around.

And don't peek, Turtle. I'm not peeking.

Okay, where am I going? LAX.

But first you take me by Vince's set. Hey!

Ed, go! Send him, send him.

Oh, is this where they light him on fire?

Yup. Nice.

Jesus.

Don't worry, Turtle. I'm fine.

Cut!

Uh... Pyro resets!

What's his problem? Who knows?

It looked good to me. All right, get her, boys.

Time to reload.

Hey. Yo yo! What's up?

How're you doing? Good. You wanted to see me?

Yeah yeah, you remember Chuckie the producer, right?

How are you doing? Good to see you.

Everything all right? Yeah yeah. Chuck?

Vince, check yourself out.

Oh wow, awesome. Right?

Now watch this.

Oh, not so good. Terrible!

Guess we can't use that. No, we can't.

So do we get another double or?

We can get another double, but it'll still be sh*t.

Not gonna look like you.

So what, you wanna light me on fire?

De Niro would do it. Look, this is an important movie for me.

Yeah, for me also.

I don't want to bullshit the audience. They're very smart.

So you do want to light me on fire?

I don't want to light you on fire. This scene's fine.

The wide sh*t looks great. But we do have a big chase scene coming up.

And I want you to do the stunt. Not the stuntman.

You... driving that car.

I want the audience to look at you and go, "God damn, that m*therf*cker is a badass."

Because if they don't, because if it looks fake, the movie's gonna suck, Vince.

And you're gonna wind up coming off like...

Like a p*ssy. ...like a p*ssy.

You don't want to look like a p*ssy, do you?

This is really good.

And everybody knows Johnny Drama likes a good piece of meat.

Hey, don't get fresh. Vince, you want a burger?

No, thank you. But, Turtle, see if you can get E on the phone.

Everything all right?

Call me.

Why didn't you just say no?

He was so passionate I didn't know how to.

He basically said the movie will suck if I don't do it.

That's ridiculous. I mean, he should have brought that up in preproduction, or when they were making your deal.

For him to try and pressure you into doing it now is just stupid.

You know, I did the fall down the steps myself in "My So-Called Life."

It was very liberating. And your brain hasn't worked right since.

All right, E, I told Nick I'd do it, so what now?

Don't worry. I'll take care of it.

You better! Because if something happens to Vince, we're all f*cked.

Actually only Drama is, since he's the only one unemployed.

My time is coming, driver. In fact, I'm gonna see Yagoda today to see what show the network's ready to put me in.

You coming with? No.

Turtle. Why not?

Go with him. He's nervous.

Fine. Let me go too so I can take care of this.

Staff meeting is in 10 minutes.

But, E, don't make me look like I'm not a team player.

Don't worry, you won't. I gotta go.

Hey, Jennie, will you get Ari for me, please?

Jessica Simpson wants to come in for some TLC.

Says she's not feeling the love.

I think she's been down since her dog got eaten.

That was like eight months ago, right?

So show her the love. She wants you.

And so does Ryan Reynolds. He says he thinks you're not speaking to him because you no longer show up for poker.

Okay, stop stop stop stop!

Raj, go buy Jessica a new cockapoo.

And, Steph, tell Ryan the reason I don't have time to play poker is because I spend my life in here being bored to death by you people, all right?

This is now the biggest agency in the world.

And I'm the head of it.

Which makes me the biggest agent in the world.

Now can anyone tell me why I chose to be the biggest agent in the world?

It's so I can stop being a f*cking agent!

So don't tell me to show the love.

That's what I pay you people for.

All right, so somebody give me something big.

Anybody, please.

Jesus Christ, you all suck.

If I didn't have a five-year lease on this place, I'd shut it down and work out of a cardboard box by myself.

I just read the NFL is getting ready to resell the TV rights.

I think they could use you. Everyone could use me.

Who are you? Jake Steinberg.

I used to be on your desk. What happened?

You threw me off. You're back on.

Throw the guy off who's on there now. Seriously?

Mm-hmm. That's him. Ari!

Eric Murphy's on the phone for you, says it's urgent.

Somebody find out why we're not selling the NFL rights.

They do it internally. They shouldn't, so somebody get me a meeting.

E! Long time no hear. You married yet?

October, Ari. I assume you'll be there.

Listen, can I keep the little groom from the top of the cake just in case Sloan never lets you out of the house again?

I can carry you around in my pocket like I always dreamed of.

I can shove it up your ass too. I bet you'd love that.

Feisty, E. Are your impending nuptials making you tense?

No, not at all. I actually feel great about it.

That's natural. It'll pass.

Oh, come on, Ari. You're the perfect picture of marital bliss.

Like a hostage with a machete to his neck, you have to put on a good face for the camera.

You're all talk. Yeah, maybe.

What's up? Nick Cassavetes.

What about him?

He wants Vince to do his own stunt.

He comes from a family of method actors.

They'll eat glass if it's in the script. Tell him no.

He already said he would do it.

He wants to do it?

He wants to be a team player. Jesus Christ.

You represent the guy. I represent everyone now, Eric.

Can you take care of this or not? I can do anything.

Will you take care of this? Fine, all right.

Try Nick Cassavetes.

And did anyone get a meeting with the goddamned NFL yet?

Hey, Phil, how are ya? I'm good.

I'm good, John. How are you?

A little anxious, to be honest, since you wanted to see me face to face.

Let's smoke up, John.

Smoke up? In here? Yeah yeah, eh, f*ck it.

You're anxious. It's medicinal.

Smoke up and you'll be anxious no more.

Okay.

So is this a celebratory smoke, Phil?

Afraid not, John.

Really?

Have a drink, John. Phil, I don't need a drink. I need a job.

Drink drink, come on. You must have something for me.

Afraid not.

I don't understand. You have three shows you're ready to make.

I'm ready to produce them.

The network's not ready to make them.

None of them?

Well, you know. Sit down, sit down, come on.

But "The Fall Guy" remake could be awesome!

We get Minka Kelly for the Heather Thomas part...

It's not gonna happen.

Jesus. So now what?

Well, you got eight weeks left on your deal.

We have to find something before it runs out.

Find it where?

I'm reading everything that I can get my hands on.

But you gotta do your part. What can I do?

Talk to your agent.

You put on a full-court press and do it fast.

Alex, you go to the airport at least twice a week.

I don't understand how you can get lost.

There was traffic on the freeway so I got off and tried to take the side streets.

And then this creepy looking cholo started following me and he freaked me out so I turned off.

Not every guy that drives by you is following you.

He didn't just drive by me, Turtle.

He rolled his window down and said, "Hey, baby, pull over. Let's f*ck."

Where are you now? I don't know.

Oh... oh, wait! I see a sign. I got it, I got it.

We're all good. Okay, good.

Oh come on, let me in, you cocksucker!

I gotta focus, Turtle. Bye. Bye.

How'd it go? I got eight weeks till I'm homeless.

What's your problem? Nothing.

That Alex driver again? Yeah.

You gotta get rid of her. Yeah.

Yeah what? Yeah, I gotta get rid of her.

This is your business, Turtle. Stop thinking with your d*ck.

Worry about your own business, all right?

Oh, I am. And wait till you see how I handle it.

You were supposed to meet me at the school, Ari.

I know, baby, but I got something that I can't get out of.

What am I gonna tell your son's teacher?

Tell her that I got something that I can't get out of.

I thought you said at this new agency there'd always be someone to cover for you.

Even with a million-man army sometimes you gotta do the grunt work yourself.

S*ddam Hussein had to hang a few without assistance, no?

I like it when we do these things together.

Tell the school that when they schedule a parent-teacher conference for 2:30 on a weekday that's just their way of saying "We don't care about Daddy."

If I get her to change it to tomorrow, will you be there?

With bells on. Kisses, baby.

Goodbye.

You gotta hit this thing somewhere between a 30° and a 50° angle.

Anything more, anything less and you got problems.

What kind of problems?

Big problems, you understand?

Ari! Vinnie!

Would you excuse me for a moment? Yeah yeah.

Ari, I'm so happy to see you. They got me looking at models over here.

Not to worry. I'm going to take care of what your little man couldn't, all right?

This gonna be a huge problem? No, not at all.

Listen, don't worry. Where's Nick?

He's over by his trailer. All right.

Ari, don't make me look bad.

Have I ever?

I bet 2,000. f*ck you. I'm all in.

Oh God. Deal me out.

Hello, Ari. What, no call back?

I know, I know. Look, Vince wants to do the stunt.

I don't want him to.

Well, you're my agent also and that's what I want.

Nick, it's not gonna happen. I'm shutting it down.

You are? That's right.

And how are you doing that? By telling you not to do it.

You'd better be careful, Ari. I'm not f*cking Chad McQueen.

I can't believe that the studio's not concerned about this thing.

How are they even insuring it?

They don't know? Are you out of your f*cking mind?

Listen, Ari, you tell the studio and I'll break your f*cking head. How about that?

Have a nice day. All right.

I mean it, Ari.

How is everything? Excellent.

Great as always, Stefan. Thank you.

I don't want to go back to work.

Can't we just fantasize about Greece over dessert?

I'd love to, but I have to go back to work. I know you do.

Thanks for taking the time out of your busy day for me.

Every chance I get.

It's Ari. Hello.

Call the studio. Tell them that you're concerned that Nick will k*ll your client. All will be well.

But make sure that it doesn't come from me or I will k*ll you.

You know, Ari, for the most powerful agent in the world, sometimes you're a real p*ssy.

I will read every single script that comes through this door, Johnny Drama. That is a promise!

Hundreds of scripts must come through here every day.

I'm like Evelyn Wood. I just speed-read right through them.

Yet we haven't found one that the studio will make.

You're not blaming that on me?

This is my livelihood, Lloyd, and my dream.

You don't think I know that?

You're just one man, Lloyd.

I need a team. A team?

Team Drama.

It's Alex again. I'm sorry, I've got to take this.

What happened now? Johnny.

What's really going on here?

I got eight weeks to get a show, so I want a team assigned to me, a team whose sole purpose is to focus on finding me this show.

I don't have the manpower for that.

I thought this was the biggest agency in the world.

I'm not authorized to provide that.

Then I need to speak to the man that is.

Alex lost the car. I gotta go to the airport. You wanna give me a ride?

No, I'm meeting Ari. Later.

But get rid of her! Johnny!

Ari's not here. Who's that then?

Hey, Ari, could I have a word?

With who? With you.

Uh, you have an agent.

He's not delivering me what I need. No? What do you need?

He wants a team, Ari.

You want a team? Yeah.

You mean like how Brad Pitt has a team?

Well, yeah. If I get the right show on the air, I can be worth as much as Brad Pitt.

Look at Kiefer.

Ari, you know how hard I've worked to get to this point and I'm right there. I just need you to care. Please.

I do care, Drama, that's why I'm still standing here.

You do not need a team. A greenlit show with me as the lead, it'll change my life.

Why doesn't he have a greenlit show, Lloyd?

The network hasn't found a script they like yet.

They haven't found a script they like or they haven't found a script they like for him?

Well... What does that mean?

It means they're still making shows, right? They're not out of business.

So are you giving it to him straight? Giving me what straight?

Maybe they don't want to make a show with you, Drama.

They gave me a holding deal.

The guy who grills my hot dog at Carney's had a holding deal in 1978.

Phil says we just need a script. You think he's lying?

I don't know who Phil is, but I think he might be, yeah.

Lloyd, what's the truth? Don't go crazy, Johnny.

What? They're making "The Fall Guy."

You're kidding me. Phil told me they weren't making that show.

I'm so sorry, Drama, but they are.

Just maybe not with you. With who then?

Dean Cain.

Dean Cain, Jesus Christ.

Look, just let the deal run out, all right? Something will come along.

Don't worry about it. I want my own show, Ari.

They promised me that.

I don't think even I can make that happen, Drama.

I'm sorry.

Wow. I mean, you really think Ari told the studio?

f*cking piece of sh*t. I just can't believe he'd go against both of us.

What a shock, huh? It looks good, Mikey. Thank you.

Well, I guess we'll go back to using a double.

Vince, you're a big boy. You want to do the stunt, you do it.

You got all the power. I don't know.

Come on, the studio wants you for three movies right now.

You do what you want. You just gotta put your foot down.

Yeah, except...

When Sean Penn wanted to do "She's So Lovely" with me, he wanted to jump through a plate-glass f*cking window.

Not with f*cking fake glass. Real f*cking glass.

You think the studio wanted him to do it?

You think the insurance companies weren't going crazy?

Sean basically had to quit the film to get what he wanted.

And you know what? He did it?

He did it. g*dd*mn right.

Sean's no bitch.

Does anything look vaguely familiar? Mmm, not really.

How far did you walk to get to the stairs? I took the elevator.

How many floors down? I don't remember!

Stop grilling me. Turtle, give her a break.

I don't understand how anyone could lose a car.

I'm sorry, Turtle. It's not like I'm an idiot.

I just have a ton on my mind. Don't cry.

Well, you're yelling at me. I'm not yelling.

Stop stop stop, there it is. There it is.

All right, you're going to Santa Monica, okay? Yes, sir.

I'm really sorry. For the third time today, Alex.

It's just my parents are getting divorced, okay?

Oh, I'm really sorry.

No no, I'm sorry.

It's not an excuse, but I've been distracted.

And I haven't told anyone till you, because honestly, I still can't even believe it.

I mean, I know divorce is common and all, but my father was like the perfect dad, you know?

Only it turns out that he wasn't.

Hey, come on, don't cry.

Come on, don't cry. Come here.

It's gonna be okay.

All right?

What the hell are you doing? Nothing.

I don't know. I just thought we had a moment.

What moment? I tell you my parents are getting divorced and you try to kiss me.

Yes, I'm really sorry. I totally misread the situation.

I thought we had a vibe. Let's just, uh... let's just get out of here.

I, um, I think I shouldn't work for you anymore.

Come on, Alex, don't quit because of me.

It's a really good job and you're really good at it.

I'm not really.

I know you wish you could have fired me lots of times.

But now I know why you didn't.

It's not like that. Oh no?

What is it like?

Take it easy, John.

Why didn't you just tell me they didn't want to make a show with me?

Because they do want to make a show with you. I mean, Jesus Christ.

They gave me a deal, a couple bucks to keep me off the market and then nothing.

This is all because they're making "The Fall Guy"?

You told me they weren't making it. No, I did not.

I said it wasn't happening with you. Why not?

They want someone... prettier.

Dean Cain is prettier than me?

Hello?

You're specific, John, and that's a good thing.

It means when we find the right thing, it'll be special.

And it will pop. My team doesn't think so.

My team doesn't think the network's ever going to make a show with me.

They're f*cking agents, John! They don't believe in extra work.

You just keep pushing. You just keep believing in yourself.

I do.

f*cking Ari.

It doesn't matter if Sean Penn does his own stunts, Vince.

It doesn't mean that you should.

Tom Cruise in "Knight and Day" also.

I've wasted too much of my day on this already, Vinnie.

First you want out, then you want in.

Which is it? I got dinner with the wife... she's gonna cut my balls off.

I hate Ari, bro!

Oh hey, Ari.

Hey, dickhead. What's the beef?

No beef.

I just wish you would put as much effort into my career as you do your own.

That sounds reasonable.

Be nice, Ari. I will be.

But right now I'm worried about you.

Why, what's wrong with Vince? You all right?

He's thinking about doing the stunt. Come on.

What?! Nothing. I just don't see it.

You know Will Smith did all his own stunts on "Hancock"?

Will's an athlete, bro. I bowled with him.

Jesus Christ, what are we doing? I got dinner.

Yo. Yo.

Yo, did you fire that broad yet?

No, actually she quit. Really?

Impressive. How'd you pull that off?

It doesn't matter. I don't want to talk about it. Awww, he's sad.

He totally likes her. Who gives a sh*t?

Vinnie, what are we doing? Turtle, I think I'm going to do the stunt myself.

Come on. Wow.

You all think I'm such a p*ssy.

All right, I'm gonna call the studio and tell them I'm doing it.

Vince, you're gonna do the stunt for what?

So these guys don't think you're a p*ssy?

No, I'm gonna do it so I stop feeling like one.

Full loads? Yeah.

Good. Good good.

This is not a rehearsal! We got one sh*t at this.

I'm sorry, baby. I changed this to today for you.

I'm gonna make it up to you. How?!

I'm gonna take you away for the weekend.

I'll get a plane. We'll go to Cabo.

We'll stay at Meldman's. I'm gonna get you a nice lobster from Edith's.

Really? No, not really.

I got the company retreat this weekend. I totally forgot.

Hello? Hello?

You all right? My hand's shaking a little, but I'll be okay. What's the worst that could happen?

Vic Morrow got his head chopped off by a helicopter.

Brandon Lee got sh*t with squibs. Idiots.

Good talk. You nervous?

No.

Well, a little.

All right. I'm operating the camera, so we're in this together.

What do you mean? I'm gonna be in there with you, brother.

Not too late to call it off.

Are you kidding me? That'd be humiliating.

The guy's got "Extra" and "Entertainment Tonight" here just to see this.

And he's doing the stunt with me. Really?

Yeah, it'll be fine.

"ET"'s here?

Hey, scumbag, you see the trades today?

Not yet. Check toward the back.

You guys should check it out. It concerns you too.

Where'd you get that?

Google images. Payback's a bitch, Ari.

Back when you were on the sauce, you would have tried to f*ck it!

You ready? Yeah, we're ready.

What do we got? Vehicle's ready.

Vincent's got it down cold.

All we gotta do is get you in, get a camera on you, roll it, take a sh*t at it.

Piece of cake, right? Yep.

Let us pray.

Remember, Vince, the worst thing you could do is hesitate.

Get on this bad boy and go. Got it.

The accelerator is your friend. Trust your steering.

As soon as you land the jump... Cut to the right and brake.

That's right. I'll be communicating with you by walkie.

All right.

I'm ready. Nick, you okay?

Let's do it. Ready!

Do this! Okay, action!

Camera.

It won't brake. It won't brake!

Oh sh*t!

Get that fire out!

Fire team 2, go go go!

Hey, guys, get in there!

Hold on. Just let them put out the fire.

Just hold on, guys. Just wait a second. Let them do their jobs.

Okay okay.

All right, he's out. Oh God.

You okay, bro? Yeah.

I don't know, I... I think so.

Does anything hurt? No.

I saw my life flash before my eyes.

I didn't. I just saw Ma. She was really pissed.

You all right... Guys!

I think I'm okay. You could have internal bleeding.

He actually looks okay. His vitals are fine.

I'm actually okay too, if anybody gives a sh*t.

I don't give a sh*t. Nick!

I'm sorry. I screwed it up.

You all right?

I gotta tell you, that sh*t looked sick.

Yeah? Yeah.

'Cause if you're not sure, I'm ready to go again.

Seriously.

Prepared for liftoff.