08x08 - Five Miles From Yetzer Hara

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "weeds"...

I see you... Up there, watching me.

I'm a rabbi.

I can't keep making the same choices.

Then don't.

I'm pregnant.

Let's do this. Let's have a baby.

Y-you've got to be kidding me.

I'm still fresh on the inside.

I'm getting a job.

Maritor. It's synthetic pot.

Got a whole raft of new products we're working on with real thc.

I'm craig. Silas.

Air!

Now he knows, zachary.

Hello, mr. Doug.

Hola, miguel. It's maria.

We're starting a charity?

Your foundation was granted a license to operate a facility for the homeless of this county.

You have 48 hours to manifest a legitimate facility and avoid prosecution for fraud.

Did angela tell you she's been assigned to her father's old precinct?

Where are you headed? I have an age requirement.

Have to wait a year.

I got a gig for you.

Welcome, son. You've reached the inner circle.

Mark powell, regional manager.

Never seen results like this.

We've got a gold mine on our hands here.

You wanted to see me?

I need your car keys. Give 'em up.

Why?

In one month, you racked up more scripts on that limp pot pill than becky lipstein.

Yay!

Who's becky lipstein?

A god.

You did me a favor. Now, I'm returning it.

For starters, you're getting a better car.

And you're gonna need it. This is you now.

What's me?

Western new england, upstate new york, parts of pennsylvania.

You'll spend two weeks here, two weeks out.

This is a promotion... If you want it.

I can do more.

That's a pretty big territory.

No, I mean more than maritor.

I want more lines...

Really stick it to becky lipstein.

Fair enough, favorite.

Ah, lipid regulator, prostate, prostate, antipsychotic, diabetes...

Ah. This is a fun one.

This is our adderall.

Generic. 2,000 Samples.

Adhd is very hot right now.

Each one needs to be accounted for by a physician.

Ha. Hot, hot, hot.

Start local, work your way out.

Make appointments. Map your route.

Go get 'em! Ha ha.

What are you so happy about?

I get to go to work today.

You like your job?

Are you kidding?

I only left it for two minutes.

I was in the baggage claim waiting on my niece...

Sir, if you leave your car unattended in the red zone, it will get towed.

You have to pay $300 to the city of new york.

$300?

Do I look like I got $300?!

I got three kids! My ex-wife moved to canada!

And I got half a tapeworm leaking out of my assh*le!

There a problem here? He's being mean.

Go ahead and back up 10 feet.

Go on.

One, two, five, nine. Thank you.

This is bullshit!

You look cute in that jumpsuit.

I thought this job was gonna be fun.

Now I want to k*ll myself.

What's this? Jelly munchkins.

You're good to me.

Let's go, mullen! 217 In progress.

Nice! Let's roll!

Man, I want a 217.

Hang in there.

Please be careful. Bye.

That's right. Wave.

Wave like a bitch.

I'll be in your neck of the woods...

...next thursday.

Is that good?

Great. Love new hampshire. Bye.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm having a private snack. Away from people.

Your tub is beautiful.

Mine's shaped like a coffin.

Shouldn't you be not here?

Is that pate?

Close the door.

Mmm. Yes!

Foie gras.

Bought a case. Super deal. f*ck those fat geese.

You can't eat that. You're pregnant.

Is... Is that wine?

Not pregnant.

Menopause.

Sadistically-early menopause.

My new hormonal stew spat out a false positive.

I saw an ob/gyn. I'm old.

I'm an old mare who can't have babies.

I'm our mom with a bag of frozen grapes on her face.

Which means you're next. You're next.

You just find out or when was all this?

Yeah. Like three weeks ago.

Three weeks? Jesus, jill.

What?!

I like secrets. They're all I have.

Drink with me.

Uh, andy. You need to tell him.

Unh-unh. Not your call.

Yes. My call.

My wine, my bathroom, my brother-in-law.

My call.

There are holes in my life. Many holes.

I've, you know, tried to fill them with coupons and d*ck and babies, but there are so many holes that now i, myself, have become a hole.

Hollow... Fallow... Empty.

Except for andy.

I like him. You know he'll leave me.

I... He'll understand.

You don't even want us together.

Are you kidding me?

Andy? Have you listened to him lately?

Not one fractured fairy tale from the good old days.

Not one "remember that time I tripped on a leprechaun and blah, blah."

You make him look forward. Don't "f" this up.

I will tell him...

When I tell him.

Or I can tell him. No!

I'm sorry. He's late.

Would you like his latte? He never drinks it.

Oh, no. Thank you. I'm early.

What you peddlin'?

Uh, adhd.

Adderall. Generic.

Ah. The speedy stuff.

My grandson goes to conn college.

Up in new london.

I could unload those for 10 bucks a pill.

On campus.

$20 During rush week.

Keeps the party goin'. You in?

Ha.

Okay.

No joke.

30%. 2,000 Extra bones a month.

I'll account for everything.

You don't have to lift a finger.

I'm joan.

Nancy.

So... Do we have a deal?

Why would you peg me for someone who, you know, would...

Do I just radiate criminal vibes, or...?

Prison tattoo on your shoulder.

Right.

That and nobody's ever said no.

Dr. Friedman can see you now.

Think about it.

Hey. Come here. Look at this.

See those little white hairs on the stem?

Yeah.yeah.

If you bury those underground, that becomes the roots.

You could bury the whole plant if we were outside.

Wow.wow.

Whoa. Look at this! These guys are ready to eat.

Mmm.

Oh, my god. That's good. Here.

I don't like tomatoes.

Yeah, but they're not just regular tomatoes.

Those are shayla and taylor tomatoes.

You grew 'em, right?

Mmm. Amazing!

Right? Jill, want to try?

Um...

Girls, go inside the house.

What kind of stank strain you brewin' over there?

Smells like ass.

You want to see how ours match up?

I could throw down.

So let's throw down.

Blow smoke at caged raccoons and see which one eats the most cheetos in a set amount of time?

Bring it on.

What are you up to? I'm on 34.

I have no idea. I lost count.

62.

62? Bullshit.

Who's got the munchies?

Yeah! 63! 63!

There's no way. f*ck your raccoony face!

Gentlemen. Nope. We don't do that.

We don't roll up $15 million of r&d and smoke it.

f*ck, guys.

These cages had labels.

One of them has testicular cancer.

Now I don't know which.

Peta already wants this place torched.

That said, who won?

Interesting.

Show me your plant.

Providence to fall river.

Fall river to quincy.

Quincy to nashua.

Hey, stevie, what's the capital of new york?

Bagels?

That's not a...

What about, uh, pennsylvania?

Pittsburgh?

Who taught you that? Shane.

Hey, stevie, what's the capital of connecticut?

I don't know.

Sure you do. Think hard. Come on.

Prison?

What? That's... That's not a city, silly.

You lived there.

Hello, there, beautiful.

Mind if I sit? Thank you. Thanks.

Me... Doug wilson.

You... Homeless lady on milk crate.

I come from old sandwich, land of great wealth.

It is a place three days' walk from here.

Or 10-minute car ride.

It is there where I run my shelter for those that do not have roof.

You understand "roof"?

These are photographs of my roof shelter.

Without tenants like yourself, the state inspector will shut us down.

Boo!

That's why we need you.

How's that sound? Does that sound pretty good?

Ohh!

Oh, my god!

Three weeks?!

You made me think of names.

You made me go shopping for your vitamins.

I got a job.

I amazoned "go the f*ck to sleep."

I called audra.

Who's audra?

My ex. She's an ob/gyn.

I wanted to know when they kick.

14 Weeks!

Ask me! You don't have to call your ex!

You weren't here!

You were off somewhere not being pregnant.

Getting drunk off your fibs!

Not that it matters, anyway.

She didn't pick up. I left a voicemail.

But I put it out into the world!

I told people!

Ugh!

I had a mold taken.

What does that mean?

For prosthetic toes.

Why do you need fake toes?

To have a whole foot! To not be a freak father.

So we could enjoy a beach.

Socks with sandals?

Lame! Lame, dad! Lame!

It's menopause, andy. It's not a choice.

I got to go to work. Little jews need me.

You lied.

Do not leave the room.

You never, never leave the room.

Both my sons work.

My sister and my best friend are having a sexy cryfest behind closed doors.

And your last words of advice... Well, they really worked.

It's nice to see you again.

Everywhere I look, I see temptation.

Me, too.

I mean, we all do.

What do you do about it?

You see, the talmud... It's like our supplement bible...

Believes that god puts every man at equal distance from yetzer hatov, which is good, and yetzer hara, which is evil.

Yester... Yetzer hara.

But it's not evil, per se.

It describes the inclination we all have to pervert our most basic needs.

So, food becomes gluttony.

Money, greed.

Love, lust.

You know, that night by the pool, I really wanted to kiss you.

So why didn't you?

I don't know.

I mean... I made a choice.

Yeah, well, I didn't come here to talk about that night by the pool.

Oh. Then what are we talking about?

I am struggling with a questionable business decision.

Oh!

It's no different. No?

No.

God puts everyone five miles from yetzer hara and five miles from yetzer hatov.

But he doesn't nudge.

He wants us all to make the right choice.

He gives us all a chance at perfection.

Isn't perfection...

Subjective?

Sure.

You're a woman, manuel. She'll listen to you.

It's maria.

She needs our help. You're doing the lord's work.

Without this charity, I am broke.

No money. No space suit. We need her.

Okay. I try.

Hola. My friend is a good man.

He will help you, yes?

Aah! Ay dios mio!

Okay, ask her again. Ask her nicely. No!

Ask her nicely! No!

Just one more time.

All right. Come on. Walk it off. Walk it off.

What silver lining? Where?

Sex! We can have sex. We can have so much sex.

Sex without condoms. Sex with wild abandon.

Plus, no more bloating, no more cramping, and according to one commenter on ivillage.com, I'll receive a rapid influx of elegance and grace.

Can't they put eggs back inside you?

Why don't we use nancy's?

What? She's your sister. Is that weird?

What do you want?

Crying babies or screaming orgasms?

Let's adopt.

Hmm?

Hi. Nancy. From earlier.

Uh, I've given deep religious thought to what we talked about...

The college... And it's not for me.

Here you go. All finished.

It doesn't get any easier than this.

What about china? I love china!

Huge waiting list, though.

Takes like three years and they only have girls.

I want one of those gymnasts.

What about russia?

Oh! Russia.

Russians blend well.

But they're emotionally detached.

They'll choke us in our sleep.

What about the french? Ooh, la la!

Uh, can you adopt the french?

Probably not.

Africa? Mmm.

Mwah. We're not worthy.

Cambodia? Vietnam?

We'd have to travel.

I'd travel with you.

Yeah?

We could travel first class.

We can use scott's miles. He has a ton.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

I can't stop thinking about what my child would look like.

Who he would be.

We tried.

We did.

How far is it from beginning to end?

Too far.

What's up?

I quit.

Here's your cut.

What cut?

We sold the pantera, the porsche, and the mercedes.

This is pigeon mike. Named for his love of pigeons.

I like pigeons.

Mike's gonna need your keys. Cough 'em up.

But those cars were seized in a bust... Hey, hey, hey. Look, kid.

Half the cars here are repo'd from dealers and gangbangers.

Dealer walks on a technicality, comes for his ride, but it ain't here we cashed it in, say it fell off a dock, got lost in the computer manifesto.

You know what we call that?

Justice?

He who holds the keys gets the cheese.

Hey. You still want out?

Why are you so happy?

I have the coolest job in the world.

Lucky you.

He's gone.

Another one gone.

I am so angry at you, my eyes hurt.

Oh, I forgot. I put a fake baby in you.

This is totally my fault.

Oops on me.

You think you're so subtle with your manipulations?

I had a plan.

What? What was your plan?

Get fat. Get fatter.

Then get a baby... At the baby place.

Huh. Go on.

I could have had another week.

I could have gotten him to propose.

Oh. Entrapment. Nice.

Look at me!

What? What do you want?

Do you want me to talk to him?

Do you want my ice cream soup? What?

No! I don't want your ice cream!

I want to melt your f*cking soul, you smug, f*cking sh*t monster!

I want to jam this in your head hole.

Well, jill, there is no hole. See?

Spackled shut.

Right. Well, of course. You have no holes.

You live this incredible, insane life of intrigue and danger where you break the law and get away with it and you never ever die!

You never die! And I can't even bleed!

Well... I'm glad I'm so invincible and mesmerizing from where you're standing, what with my new job, touring the covered bridges of greater new england, where I have to leave my kid for two weeks every month, and he has to beg someone else to make him bear-head pancakes, and he thinks "bagels" is a city while I hawk a.d.d. Pills.

So before this conversation splinters off into the fifth act of "medea,"

Let me just begin with... You're a better mother than me!

What? You give them your time.

You... Set good examples, generally speaking.

Your kids are smart.

Stevie... Stevie will need tutors and therapy.

Stevie plays soccer. He'll be an alpha male.

All good.

Taylor is gonna s*ab the prom queen and shayla's gonna get date r*ped by fishermen.

Oh, please, you add a little me and a little you and they're gonna be fine because you give a sh*t about them and they know it.

Really? Yes.

How are the girls?

Are they okay with what's happening?

They'll be fine.

We'll get back to school before the new school year.

They'll be back with their friends.

I'll have to get a job... I'll be in a cubicle or I'll have to beg scott for an allowance.

I'll resume my boring life.

Maybe I'll get a dog... A labradoodle.

What are you doing tomorrow?

Packing. Why?

"The cats nestle close to their kittens.

"The lambs have lain down with the sheep.

"You're cozy and warm in your bed, my dear.

Please go the f*ck to sleep."

Hey, hey. Wh...

911. What's your emergency?

Hi.

Yeah, uh, well, my car has been stolen.

Okay. I'll have to take down some information.

Okay.

Ah!

I'm so sorry.

It's okay. It's okay. Really.

All my pills were in there, all my work.

This is why we have insurance.

I don't understand how this happened.

No.

Look at me.

Look at me.

Hi.

Hi.

Um...

Albany...

Harrisburg...

Hartford...

Atlantis...

Ten...

Tal-la-hassee.

Tallahassee.

Au...

Al... Austin.

Austin.