08x12 - It's Time, Part 1

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Weeds". Aired: August 7, 2005 - September 16, 2012.
A widowed mother of two boys begins selling weed to support her family.
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08x12 - It's Time, Part 1

Post by bunniefuu »

Nancy: so, I think it's really important that we remember that this isn't about safety.

It's about fear.

Our children do not need to wear helmets to play soccer.

They're not helmets. They're headgear.

And do you know how many children suffered concussions this year?

I believe it was one.

Your child.

And I'm really sorry, but it wasn't even when he was heading the ball.

It was when he ran into the goalpost, so...


That's not true.

Is that the widow? Yep.

She was married to that rabbi who went over the cliff on avernous road.


Swerved to avoid a bear.

I heard about that.

...protects against concussions.

She's the one who owns all those stores.

They're hot and sweaty and expensive, and you can't properly head in them.

She's rich and thin.

Your wife's rich.

My wife's a potato.

A smoothie maker.

Look, we're all here every day giving our time to the school.

Who's her kid? Steve bloom.

Now suddenly there's an issue that affects your kid, and you show up?


I'm here to argue for the interests of my child.

I think the rabbi adopted him.

Our children are in middle school.

They don't need us here every single day.

Okay, well, I'd like to put it to a vote.

I wonder if she's lonely.

All those in favor of protective headgear for the soccer team, please say "aye."

Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye.

You wonder away there, buddy.


You still can't force them to wear it.

Okay. We'll see.

So how'd it go? The team is getting helmets, but that doesn't mean you have to wear one.

That is total bullshit.

I want to go to minnesota.

Stevie, it's been a really, really hard year for both of us, but I'm not sending you to boarding school.

I can't play spring soccer looking like a ret*rd.

Did... Did you tell them you can't head in those things?

I did. I did. But it's not over yet, okay?

Of course it is.

They're gonna make us wear them, and my game is gonna suck, and I'll start hating soccer, so I'll quit, and then I'll just end up working in one of your stores like those zombies who worship uncle doug.

Sounds like a plan.


I'm... I'm serious.

I sent in the application.

Stevie, can we not do this now, please?

The academics are really good, too.


After tomorrow, I'm a man.

How about we get through your bar mitzvah and then we discuss the rights and privileges of your new adult status?

Think about it.

We can skip the teen-angsty time where I eventually start to hate you, and we could just have happy holidays.

It's so much healthier.

We spend way too much time together.

You're gonna make me gay.

Go back to class, all right?

I'll pick you up at 3:00.

I'm sure that there's goat's milk at my mom's house.

Hey. Hey.

I'm not angry at her.

Why should you be?

If you love me, you'll try to get along.


We're here for stevie's bar mitzvah.

Not business.

Clerk: next, please. Pbht.

Speaking of which, uh, pack of puff dragons, please.

You hear that, flora?

It's time for you to give me back mama's boobies.

Don't tell her that.

Nancy: timmy, what don't you want to tell me?

You have to pick up the cake yourself tomorrow.

There's time between the service and the party.

What the "f"? Can't you get it for me?

No. You know I can't.

I have to maintain my boundaries.

Saturdays and sundays off.

What else?

Do you know what time andy's flight gets in?

Uh, silas handled all the correspondence with him.

All I know is that he rsvp'd yes.

Anyhoo, the caterer is on her way.

You have meetings with two new cup distributors on monday, and here is a stack of stuff to sign.

Legal wants to talk to you about allegations of serving minors in stores 14 and 43, and the deejay got your playlist, but he said that he won't play the "hava nagila."

He says that it's a cliché.

It's tradition. Make him play it.


What else?

After this meeting, you're all clear.

But you do have a date on tuesday with a game theory strategist named norman hass.

He's 60, divorced, two grown kids, runs half-marathons, likes to cook.

Oh, god.

I can always cancel.


All right, then, we'll talk monday.

You have a great weekend, nancy.

Don't forget dry cleaner on your way home.

Thank you, tim.

Taste-testing the product?


Got to keep my wits about me.

Not me.

I'm higher than a georgia pine 24/7.


How's life in dixie?


It's the f*cking third world.

I fear for my people, nance.

Rest of the country has healthcare, has marijuana, and tax revenue from marijuana.

My dumbass, sore-loser region invoked states' rights and keeps its folks sick and angry.

I bought a townhouse in chelsea.

My kid is being bar mitzvahed tomorrow.

I have things to do.

Guess my invite got lost.

I don't really like you, crick.

I don't think you should have anything to do with my business.

Not how I see it.

You took my money to start it, and I took fair compensation.

Fair? No, I don't think I would say that.

Can we please skip this?

I come bearing good news.

Starbucks wants to buy us.


All 50 stores. All-in.

How much?

Why didn't they come to me? 'Cause I went to them.

It's my business. Silas is on board. So is doug.

So is conrad. So is mr. Garcia-gomez.

Well, bully for you boys. I own 51%.

That's why I'm here.

We want to sell.

Well, we must be doing something very right if starbucks wants to buy us.

Oh, horse shit. Excuse me?

We can all be set for life, but you want to hold on to your corporate job so bad?

It's my corporation.

Come on!

Why buy the cow when you can have a bird in your hand?

Go have an adventure.

I had my adventures.

Now I date men named norman.


What happened to you?

You used to be such a spark plug.

Time and loss have, uh, mellowed me.

Well, you ain't d*ad yet, and this is a win, not a loss.

Listen to me, nancy.

This is an amazing offer. Take it.

I know it's the right thing.

Go f*ck yourself.

You have a great bar mitzvah, mrs. Bloom.

Here it is. Camelot.

Botwinlot. f*ck palace.

I would have sucked your dick weeks ago if I had seen this place.

All right. Let's go.

Hello? Mom?

Hi, megan.

Oh, shit. She really is deaf.

You weren't kidding, huh?


I am beatrice, mitch's girlfriend.

But he won't marry me.



Where's mom? Where's mom?

No one's here. We just flew in.

I'm tiffani.

I think it's really awesome of you to marry, you know...

Thank you.

So, silas, how's business in california?

Oh, it's fine, mitch. How's retirement?

It's f*cking great.

I got half my bennies, and the rest I fill in with all sorts of shit I got going on.

I sold four frank thomas rookie cards this morning to some little japanese f*ck.

The guy must have been out of his mind to pay what he did for the big f*cking hurt.

I mean, the guy was a solid .300 career hitter, but a real disappointment when you think about it.

You're a real disappointment when you think about it.

It's not even lunchtime.

It's not every day your half-mexican half-brother gets bar mitzvahed.

Still can't believe that's your brother.

He's so much hotter than you.

Mm. She looks a lot like your dad.


Has lars met his granddaughter?

I'm not gonna talk about this.

Like there are any secrets left in this family.

There are plenty of secrets left in this family.

Secrets are the privilege of the rich.

What the f*ck does that even mean?

Never mind.

It's just... I've been done with secrets for years.

No more.



Did you guys know shane once k*lled a woman?

Welcome home.

Female voice: your dry cleaning will be ready in...

Male voice: 53 seconds.

You sure uncle andy's coming?

Of course he is. He rsvp'd.

He'll come.

Female voice: payment received. Thank you. He didn't come to the funeral.

Well, the funeral was about daddy.

This is about you. He'll show up for you.

How do you know? You don't talk to him.

He talks to silas. Ask silas.

Do you even know if silas is coming?

What if no one shows up?

What if we threw a bar mitzvah and no one came?

Then it's more cake for us.

And all your friends are coming.

They keep calling it "the jewish party."

Well, it is... It's the jewish party.

And you're the guest of honor.

If daddy were here...

Please don't go there.

I won't go there if you cut the shit.

And there'll be presents and cash.

Enough to pay for boarding school?

Oh, relentless. You're relentless.

Look who's talking.

Uh, this isn't my dress.



Hello?! Is anyone... Human here?

Can I get you a drink, guru doug?

Thank you, cinnamon. I would like watermelon juice.

It's winter. There's no watermelon juice.

But I want some.

I'll find you some, guru doug.

Wow. That's impressive.

What can I say? She wants to make me happy.

Is it working? f*ck yeah.

I'm loved. I'm rich... Very rich.

I bought stevie a helicopter for his jewish party.

Have I mentioned I sleep with all three of them?

Sometimes at the same time.

It's very spiritual.

Good to know.

So, where's nancy?

I called her. She had a meeting.

She'll be here soon.

The meeting?

The meeting.

What's "the meeting?"

We got an offer.

On what?

On the stores... The whole company.

Perfect. The rich get richer.

Hey. You chose a side, officer.

Sorry our business became legal and ruined all your fun.

I need a drink.

Honey, this young man wants a drink.

What would you like? Scotch.

We don't touch alcohol.

Would you like a sacrament beverage?

What the f*ck is a sacrament beverage?

Pot drink. What your mom sells.

It's our elixir.

Why do you think my people all work at her shops?

So you can exploit them for cheap labor.

Hey, watch it. We are happy and productive.

We are doing good for the world.

We feed the hungry, we put people to work, and all we ask for in exchange is total devotion.

Who are all these people?

Friends... Out-of-towners.

Do I even know them?

You know your brothers.

Hopefully andy's in there somewhere.

Oh, my god!

Is that flora?

She got so big!

Nancy, I am trying to nurse.

I... I see that.

Does... Does the baby want another blanket?

The baby's fine.

Congratulations, stevie.

Thanks, megan.

Hey, mom. I'm... I'm going in.

Okay, sweetie. I'll be in in a sec.

Hey, baby.

Hey. It's nana.

I'm your nana. Remember me?

Please... Don't distract her.



So, did you guys have a good trip up?

Relatively easy?



It's really cold out.

I'm... Still not exactly sure what it is I ever did to you.

And would it have k*lled you to put her in one of those little dresses I bought?

They were from paris.

I love silas, too, you know?

Very much.

I just want him to be happy, and hopefully that's what you want, too, or I might have to k*ll you.

Did you say something?

Oh, I just asked if I could hold the baby, but you just... Later, okay?

I'll let you nurse in peace.

Me and sanjay married 10 years next month.

I don't understand. How do you do it?

Separate bedrooms, separate bathrooms, and no questions.

Oh, I feel you.

You want to see my babies?


These are my boys.

That's jimmy jam. He big now.


And that's tay tay and freon, and that's little obama. Mm!

Oh, so adorable, huh?

Mm-hmm. You got kids? Three girls and a boy.

Yeah? You got pictures? Oh, no.

They're all grown up now. My son doesn't talk to me.


Oh, you can't go through life not talking to your child. Mm.

What's the matter with you?

Go make that shit right.

Did, um, did andy tell you he was coming?

I've had way too much cock in my mouth to be a vegan.

See, I didn't need to hear all that.

I'm just trying to eat my salad.

You ever hear from ignacio?


I haven't talked to him since he started his cosplay company.

So, my brother-in-law, andy, he's supposed to be here for stevie.

He... He should be here.

What the f*ck is that?

Oh, it's, um, it's from my sister, jill.

She's living in india.

It's, um, kali, the goddess of time and change.

You start as earthbound handmaiden, but if you ascend to celestial helpmate, you'll share the quarters with us in guru doug's holy chambers.

You people are f*cking nuts. You know that, right?

Press that button.

You just started my car.

Cool. What else can it do?

That's it.

How's isabel?

You mean "bruce"?



Sex change. Is-a-bel... Is a boy.

If you can only fit one finger in, she's too young.

Five fingers, she's too old.

It's the finger test.

You want to be a man, you got to know this shit.

Hey, have you heard from andy at all?

How much you weigh?

That's a personal question.

You want to wrestle, you let me know.

No one's eating, and I think andy's a no-show.

I live on a boat.

Sail away with me.

Oh, christ.

I've always loved you, nancy.

This will never happen.

I had to give it a sh*t.

Conrad's about to be a daddy again.


Yeah. His wife's expecting twins any day now.

That's why he ain't here. Mm. You got kids?

Sure, I got kids. I got 10 kids, man. Whoa.

Two of my oldest boys are running bath salts up from mexico for me now.

Couldn't be prouder.

Jesus. What is this obsession with sons?

They're your legacy.

I wish I was there, too. How's it going?

I-i think we've sold maybe two paintings.

Which ones?

"Waffle summer" and "the big one green."

Oh, I love "the big green one."

"The big one green," not "the big green one."

Oh, someone's at the door. Do you want to hold on?

No, but I will call you later from the hotel. Love you.

Love you.


Who is it?

Flower delivery for josh wilson.

Oh, he didn't. I should be the one...

Oh, my god.

Oye, muchacho.


Sorry. I-i don't speak spanish.

You don't speak spanish?


Esteban reyes jr. Doesn't speak spanish?

Nah. That's wrong. That's a f*cking disgrace.

So you and my birth dad were tight, huh?

We had a complicated relationship.

He was brilliant.

And scary.

I respected him.

What's that?

I'm on this high-carb diet thing where you eat cereal in the morning and then pasta the rest of the day.

I lost 12 pounds, but, man, I'm sick of it.

Things we do for health, huh?

My dad was scary?


But in a real calm way, you know?

Which made him even scarier.

He kept a white lion in the house.

I saw him feed a snitch to it once.

Your mother ever tell you about the lion?



No. My... My dad was a politician.

He was framed by the drug cartels for trying to fight them and then k*lled in prison.

Son, your dad was a gangster, not a p*ssy.


What the hell your mother been telling you?

He wasn't k*lled in prison?

Yeah, that part's true, but your father was king shit narco jefe numero uno.

And you're his only son.

You need to know this shit.


Hey, lady.

You throw one hell of a shindig, and I love that you're wearing that slinky red dress at your age.

It's good on you.

I'll see you in church... Jew church.

Come on, people.

No. No, you're not. You're not driving anywhere.

Not with my kid in the car.

Then I'll drive. Give it here.


What happened to you?

He became a man.

Come on, bea-bea.

Let's make like a bread truck and haul buns!


No. I don't think so.

Mmm. You want a mangosteen nectar? Jesus christ.

False prophet. It's all about me now.

I've read the articles.

You're looking good. You still gay?

Still gay. Still hate you. What am I doing here, doug?

I'd like to reconnect.

Oh. Go f*ck yourself.

I have people that'll do that for me.

Josh, I've changed. I'm enlightened now.

Let's have a relationship.

A relationship? You want a relationship?

You kicked me out of the house at the age of 17, disowned me, told me that you hoped that I choked on a cock, then you ran out on mom and the girls and never came back.

Oh, I'm all good with them now.

Gave your mom all the back alimony and child support, bought each of the girls a condo.

You want a condo?

No, i-i don't.

And I don't have anything to say to you, so I'm leaving.

I believe rocket ma... Guru doug is still talking to you.

Get out of my way.

I should have led with the condo offer.


Oh, my god.

Josh, what are you doing here?

Doug kidnapped me and tried to get me to like him.

Listen, I'm waiting for a cab, and it's freezing out.

Do you mind if i...

No, sure. Come in.

Wow! Josh, oh, my god.

Um, can... Can I get you something to eat?

We have teff salad, ostrich kabobs, happy herbert's.

We have so much food. No one ate.

I'm good. Thanks.


You're all grown up.

Yeah. Time will do that.

You're looking good, ms. "B."

Keeping up on all the latest cosmetic innovations?

I like the tiger stripes.

Mm. Rawr.

Well, a girl's got to reinvent herself.

Can I get you a drink?

You know what? I really just... I want to get home.

They scared my dog, and she probably peed all over the hardwood.

Oh. You have nice floors?

I have beautiful floors.

Are you happy?

I'm... I'm good.

I got to say, I'm... I'm really good.

I'm glad, josh. I'm really glad.

You're married?

A painter. Alan spiller.

No kidding! I-i own "the big blue one."

"The blue one big." Right, right.


How funny is that? He's your husband.

He's so talented.

Are you an artist, too? I'm a lawyer.

Oh... Oh! Sorry.

I know. Well, I always was good at bullshit.

I mean, at least now they're paying me for it, right?

But I'm all solid-citizen and everything.


Talking about it.


Well, just pray they don't grow up to be teenagers like you were.

I turned out all right.


How does that happen?

You get lucky, therapy, and I got to say that doug was a piece of shit, but my mom was awesome.

Is awesome.

I mean, she always fought for me.

That's me.

Listen, it's really good seeing you, ms. "B."

Take care.

You too, josh.

You look hot.

Yeah. Thanks.


I changed her last.

It's your mother.

What time is it?

It's very late, and andy's not here yet.

Mom, I'm sleeping.

What time was his plane supposed to get in?

He said he'd be here for dinner.

How often do you talk to him?

Not a lot.

He got really busy after the restaurant opened.

What restaurant?

Why won't he talk to me? What's his problem?

Andy lives in ren mar.


In that house?

Redid the whole place. Looks great.

And lenny?

He died four years ago.

Andy said lenny's last words were, "you got to be f*cking kidding me."

And he's got a daughter.

She's 3.

Her name's leni, but with an "i."


Like riefenstahl?


A not-good namesake.

Yeah, well, she's a p*stol.

And beautiful...


He's amazing with her.

And the... The mother?

Her name's annika.

She was a waitress at the restaurant.

He always loved waitresses.

"They bring you food, and when you sit, their boobs are at eye level."

Are they married?



They share custody. All amicable.

He has a restaurant.

That's perfect.

It's nice.

It's small.

It's one of those places that people come, and he just cooks whatever he feels like...

All fresh and seasonal and everything.

He's been written up a few times.


He's made a very sweet life.

I think he's happy, mom.



He's not coming, is he?
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