01x08 - All Nighter

[bunniefuu]

Alexa, remind me to call my
mother every day at : p.m.

ALEXA: Okay, I'll remind
you every day at : p.m.

Isn't that wonderful?

Now you won't have to
worry about forgetting.

My mother decided to give me

my birthday present three months early.

I suspect so she could
feel appreciated longer.

She can help you keep your calendar,

make your grocery list.

Alexa, make a fart sound.

ALEXA: Okay, here's big fart.

- (FART NOISE)
- (LAUGHS)

Oh, Katharine, really?

Hey, you don't get to control
my relationship with Alexa

just because you introduced us.

We like to have fun, okay? We're silly.

You're also almost years old.

Oh, that reminds me.
The cemetery called.

Oh, my gosh. They come calling now?

How long did they give you?

They called to say that the burial plot

next to me and Daddy
just became available.

Wait, how does a burial plot
just "become available"?

Well, they said the police
wouldn't let them comment

on ongoing investigations,

but they assured me
he's not going back in.

And since you don't have a
husband to be buried next to,

you should scoop this one up.

And on that awesome new
thing I have to think about,

on with our show.

♪ ♪

How's your pee stream, Max?

Come again?

Well, we're all getting older,
and I was just wondering,

'cause I've heard that
guys tend to lose power

from their pee stream as they age,

and you're already .

My pee stream age is .

If anybody's wondering,
I can pee through a mini-donut

from across the room.

My stream is so powerful,
it can blow a hole

in a double cheeseburger.

Clean through from bun to bun.

- (LAUGHS)
- Well, I got to go bury my nose

in some court cases.

See you tonight?

No, I don't think so.

My cousin's in town, so
we're going out clubbing.

Oh, cool. Well, have fun.

Oh, you don't have to
tell me to have fun.

When you're this fine,

fun just jumps in your lap. (LAUGHS)

Well, if it jumps out before
I go to bed at : ,

- give me a ring.
- All right.

KAT: What a cool guy.

And hot. He's hot, he's cool.

He's like a therapeutic sports rub.

Yeah, and so confident
and understanding.

It's pretty annoying.

KAT: Mm-hmm.

Wait, why is that annoying?

I don't know, I mean, we
have a great time together,

but when I want to do my own stuff,

he's just fine with it.

And not once have I caught him
trying to look through my phone.

What kind of a boyfriend is that?

Uh, the good kind that trusts you?

You know what Randi
doesn't trust? Trust.

I'm so excited for tonight.

My cousin Birdie found this bar
that has a mechanical bull.

Ooh, I got to remember
to double-bra the girls.

Ooh, riding a mechanical
bull is on my whistle list.

Don't you mean bucket list?

Everyone in my family
calls it a whistle list

because after you do it you go,
(WOLF WHISTLES)

- "Should've done that sooner."
- (CHUCKLES)

I want to watch Phil
ride a bull. I'm in.

No turning back now. What time do we go?

Hold on. This is my night out.

And I mean this with great respect:

oldies get left in the cold-ie.

Hey, I may be nearing my
th turn round the sun,

and, sure, sometimes when
I'm sitting in my rocking chair,

I can't tell if the squeaking
sound is my chair or my knees.

You have a rocking chair?

It's a modern glider.

My point is, I still feel
like I'm in my s.

And between going to grad school
to become a math professor

and changing my mind and
opening my own business,

I missed out on some prime partying.

Oh, come on, Randi. We'll have fun.

Plus, Phil needs to check
mechanical bull riding

off his whistle list.

I would love that. When I was a kid,

we used to ride bucking goats.

Mama'd say, "Don't you ride those goats.

Those goats aren't for
riding." But we did.

It's just that when
Birdie and I kick it,

we usually like to keep the
party going until sunup.

Oh, I see. The gauntlet
has been thrown, has it?

Well, I pick up that gauntlet and I say,

"We shall party until the
little hand's on the six

and the big hand's on the ."

That's time-telling, old person style.

Okay, fine, just try not to
embarrass me while we're out.

- Of course not.
- I would never.

I'm gonna dance like this.

And I'm gonna dance like this.

I'm gonna dance like this.

I'm gonna dance like this.

(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)

(NASALLY): The midnight
hour approacheth.

We shall celebrate
bringing in the new day

with souvenir cups.

Are these drinks gray?

(REGULAR VOICE): Yeah. It's
called the Louisville Tombstone.

'Cause after two of these,
you'll be six feet under.

I read that on the menu.

Which reminds me, I need to talk
to you about my burial plot.

No. This is what I was afraid of.

This is old people talk.

Well, my mother put it on hold,

and I only have hours to decide.

It's a very popular location.

People are dying to get in there.

(LAUGHS)

sh**t, my texts to Birdie
aren't going through.

I don't have any bars in this bar.

Hey.

I figured you don't want a
stranger buying you a drink,

so we should probably dance first.

- I can see that happening.
- Oh...

Uh, Randi, what are you doing?

Aren't you and Daniel going steady?

Oldie says what?

You know, uh, dating exclusively.

Daniel doesn't seem to worry
about what I do without him,

so why should I?

♪ Sometimes on the weekend
I like to watch a movie... ♪

- This place is great.
- (LAUGHS): Yeah.

Great. So great.

We're doing this.

Yeah, we are. Sunrise or bust.

(WHOOPS)

Do you think we're the
oldest people in here?

By far.

They're all thinking about drinking

and rolling around with each other.

But you know what I'm thinking about?

Don't say it, Phil.

- Sleeping.
- (GROANS)

Now you got me thinking about Frank.

Who's Frank?

Frank is my body pillow.

He's made of memory foam

and he has memorized
every inch of my body.

By chance, uh, do you and Frank
have an open relationship?

(LAUGHS)

I'm, like, freaking out right
now, you're so cute.

Um, will you come dance
with me and my friends?

Damn me and my teddy bear nature.

- Oh, my gosh. Get on my back.
- (GRUNTS)

Giddyap, girl.

(GASPS) You guys, I got him!

(LAUGHS)

(YAWNS)

Oh, I'm not tired.

I'm not tired.

Just like a little tired.

(SNORING)

♪ ♪

(SNORES)

Oh.

Oh, wow. I fell asleep
standing up, like a horse.

Do some exercises, get my blood pumping.

Couple shoulder rolls.

Twists.

- Oh!
- Oh! Man down, man down.

- I am so sorry.
- (SHOUTS)

Okay, now I stepped on your foot.

Frank never would've let this happen.

I'm so sorry. Are you okay?

You hit me right in the button.

Uh, by way of apology, here.

Uh, reach in, grab whatever you want.

There's-there's a lot of
peppermints in there.

There-There's some fun hair clips.

Okay. I like hair clips.

(LAUGHS): Hey, you got my keys.

I think you mean my keys.

Well, in that case, I like
your U of L keychain.

I used to have one just like it.

- Oh, did you go there?
- Yeah.

- Oh, me, too.
- Not to brag,

but I'm probably their
hugest basketball fan.

Well, since we're both not bragging,

when I was a student, I was the mascot.

Shut your face.

You were Louie the Cardinal?

Uh, brag on, kind sir.

As you wish, milady.

Remember, like, ten
years ago, at halftime,

when the mascot took off
at the half-court line,

jumped on the trampoline,
misjudged the hoop,

- hit his head on the backboard...
- And then he had to be carried out

on a stretcher and everybody
chanted, "Louie! Louie!"

- That was me.
- Oh, my God!

You're like a celebrity.

You know, I actually auditioned

to be the mascot my freshman year.

Oh, really? When was that?

Uh, nineteen-ninety...

let me buy you drink. (LAUGHS)

Why am I suddenly not admitting my age?

Maybe I am becoming my mother.

It is weird that I don't know
how old you are, Mother.

I'm older than a seedling,
but younger than the Moon.

I'm stronger than an oak

- and flexible like the wind.
- Flexible like the wind.

Sorry I brought it up.

Well, saddle up, Grandpa.

Wait, wait, I'm getting on, too.

(SHOUTS)

♪ I want to run... ♪

- Whoa.
- (WHOOPING)

Whoopee!

♪ ♪

♪ Yippee-yi-oh, yippee-yi-ki-yay... ♪

Randi? Phil?

♪ Lasso your heart, steal it away... ♪

Excuse me, sir.

♪ Want to lasso your heart,
steal it away... ♪

Looking for my friends.

♪ Steal it away... ♪

No, no. Randi, no.

("MAN! I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN!" PLAYING)

♪ Let's go, girls... ♪

Finally, a song I know.

Sir, are there rules about
dancing on the bar here?

Does this answer your question?

(LAUGHS)

♪ I'm goin' out tonight,
I'm feelin' all right... ♪

(CHEERING)

I'm so glad I've practiced this
on my kitchen counter at home.

♪ Yeah, I want to scream and shout... ♪

Phil, look, I'm making money!

(LAUGHS) Oh!

- ♪ No inhibitions... ♪
- Oh...

I'm okay. I'm okay.

- Let's party.
- (CHEERING)

♪ I ain't gonna act
politically correct ♪

♪ I only want to have a good time. ♪

I can't believe we've
been at the wrong club.

Birdie's at The Bear and The Bull,

not The Bull and The Bear.

Phil, you scared me to death

when I saw you go flying off that bull.

I thought you were gonna die.

Not a chance. Mama always taught me

that if I fell from any
height, just go limp.

That way, I wouldn't break anything.

Randi, you scared me, too.

I mean, I don't want to judge,

'cause that would be
an old people thing,

so I'll just keep it young and curious.

What were you doing rubbing
up against that guy

on the dance floor?
You have a boyfriend.

Again, I'm just asking in a young,
cool, Blue's Clues kind of way.

Hey, those are the type
of things that go down

when young people party.

Are you saying that you can't handle it?

Wh... Are you kidding me? I was dancing

with a topless bartender
and I made bucks.

Which I then gave him

'cause I accidentally crushed
his citrus squeezer.

I don't know why, but
that makes my nuts hurt.

Ooh, I also punched a guy and
we had an awesome conversation.

We have birthdays in the same month,

although I'll be turning
and he'll be turning .

Ooh, yeah, no,
you don't need that hassle.

Guys mature way later,
so a -year-old dude

is really like a -year-old boy.

Oh, well, that's interesting, Randi.

So you can comment on my relationship,

but I can't comment on yours?

Oh, so now it's a relationship?

No. Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait.

- Stop the car! Stop the car!
- Oh, no.

Are you gonna yak? 'Cause
this outfit is dry-clean only.

No, look.

That's the cemetery

where I may or may not take
up permanent residence

for all eternity.

You want to check out my new digs?

Get it? Digs?

(LAUGHING)

I do get it.

BOTH: Digs.

When I was a kid, we'd visit
the cemetery all the time.

Mama would put cigarettes
on Pa-paw's grave

and then she'd say, "You can't
die twice from smoking."

Hey, I-I know where we are.

My father's plot should
be right over here.

Oh, my God.

- Kat, I'm coming.
- No, Phil, don't run.

KAT: Are you okay?

PHIL: I'm good. I just went limp again.

At the beginning of the night,

I thought you guys only
had one foot in the grave,

but look at you now.

What should I do?

Can you please go find
a vine to pull us out?

Like a, Like a thick vine.

Where do you think we are that
I have size choices of vines?

Vine City? Vines"R"Us?

Bed Bath & Vines?

Probably a lot less roomy in here

when they put a coffin in it.

Oh, we'll be fine.

I was stuck in a well for
three days when I was a kid.

Strangers lowered food down to me.

I still can't eat a bologna sandwich

- without a fishhook in it.
- Well...

may as well get comfortable.

Here lies Katharine Edith Silver,

optimistic human woman,
albeit a little chilly.

- This'll warm you up.
- Oh. Thanks.

Mm. Ugh.

Phil, I thought that was gonna
be whiskey. What is that?

- Homemade bone broth.
- Oh...

I simmered it for eight hours.

It's all kinds of peppery.

Here, this one's whiskey.

How many flasks do you have, Phil?

Only two. But I've got a little
jerky if you get hungry.

Mm...

there we go.

That'll bring the party back.

Well, it's a nice night out, isn't it?

I can see the Big Dipper.

You know, it's actually kind of cool.

I mean, how many people get a view

from their final resting place?

You know, at some point
we all start thinking

when the end will come.

I'm just glad you came
into my life when you did.

You've already helped
me check a lot of things

off my whistle list.

You know, I don't know
if it's all the Tombstones

we drank talking, or the
one we're lying under...

... but I don't want to die, Phil.

Oh, I know, honey. It's such a betrayal.

Just when you start
getting good at life,

it goes away.

And no matter how young I feel,

it's still gonna happen.

I know.

I'm gonna miss so many
cool things in the future.

Technology. Time travel.

Pillows that cut your
hair while you sleep.

You know, but most of all,

I'm gonna miss fun nights
like this with my friends.

Aw.

Hey. Birdie just texted and said
she's at an all-night diner.

She met this hot old guy
that she's really into,

and she wants to get my opinion of him.

But most importantly,

can you believe that Daniel has
not texted me once tonight?!

- Did you text him?
- No, I'm not gonna text him.

What kind of a desperate
message would that send?

Uh, I don't mean to
make this all about me,

but we're stuck in a hole here.

Did you find a vine?

No, but I did brainstorm,

and lucky for you...

I double-bra'd it.

Ooh, what's the word?

Birdie's the word.

Oh, Kat, Phil, Birdie.
Birdie, Kat, Phil.

- Hi, Birdie.
- Hi.

So how's it going with the hot old guy?

So good. He's smart and sweet

and posed for Playgirl back
when he was in college.

Hey, I know somebody who did that.

BOTH: What are you doing here?

Hi, Max. I rode a bull.

Wait, you posed for Playgirl?

I was just trying to put
myself through school.

Mm-hmm, that's what
all the strippers say.

How do you all know each other?

Oh, his strip club is right
by our coffee shop.

Okay, come sit down, and let me tell you

how I got all this blonde girl
hair stuck in my bracelet.

So, uh, is this what you
do on your weekends?

You, you get your party on

and hook up with much
younger ladies and such?

I couldn't sleep and I wanted pancakes.

Gotcha. You know, my
grandpa used to get up

in the middle of the
night for a snack, too.

You're really hung up on this
getting older thing, aren't you?

Age is just a number, Kat.

Or to put it in a more
philosophical way,

you're only as old as your pee stream.

Well, just so you know,
Birdie said she's hanging out

with a hot old guy.

She said I was hot?

(LAUGHS)

Hey, are you okay seeing
Max with another woman?

Uh, totally fine.

Okay, I'm just saying,

because that other woman
may be my cousin,

but I will shut that down
tight if you want me to.

Normally I would say blood
is thicker than friendship,

but Birdie did steal my prom date,

and we still working through that.

I promise you it's okay.
We're just friends.

He has to live his life
and I have to live mine.

Oh, my gosh, that's the guy I punched.

Really? Oh, he's cute.

- What are you thinking?
- Well...

I'm thinking, as the young
people might say, "YOLO,"

which is "you only live once."

Don't want to have "FOMO,"
which is "fear of missing out."

Let's not forgot Yo-Yo,
a cellist of great renown.

Girl, get over there.

Well, hello.

No way. Hi.

In case you're wondering,
I'm not stalking you.

That's the first thing
a stalker would say.

But I'm actually really
glad you're here.

Also, you have dirt on your face.

Oh, um, yeah, I-I fell
into a freshly dug grave.

Another thing a stalker would say.

She texts him at : a.m. and asks,

"Are you in the mood for pancakes?"

He's not, but now he
can't go back to sleep,

so he drives over, but
when he walks in the door

he realizes he's still in his slippers.

I kissed a guy tonight.

Wow. Okay.

That's your reaction? "Okay"?!

I said "Wow."

Ugh, I didn't really kiss a guy.

Well, then, why did you say you did?

Don't you know that when your
girlfriend goes out without you,

you're supposed to act all jealous

and text her constantly
throughout the night?

How do you know I didn't track your
every move through your phone?

- Did you?
- No.

Ugh!

Randi, hold up.

I'm not sure what's happening.

I've done unhealthy relationships,

and it sounds like you have, too.

But if you need me to be
jealous or controlling

to recreate some familiar
feeling from your past,

then it's not gonna happen.

Then, besides giving me
control of the remote,

how do I know you like me?

(CHUCKLES)

I drove here in my slippers.

And I think about you all the
time when we're not together.

And I want you to move in with me,

and I was trying to think
of a cool way to ask you,

but I wasn't sure if I was
the flash mob type or not.

And flash mob was the
cool or uncool way?

Can I take that as a yes?

Come here.

So I was thinking,
you're about to turn .

I've already been .

Maybe we could go out sometime

and I could give you
some life spoiler alerts.

- Okay, let's do it.
- Really?

Yay.

Okay. That's great.

Boom!

Wait, I don't have your number
or know your name.

But I do still have...
(SINGS MINI FANFARE)

My keys. No way.

What a satisfying feeling
to get something back

you didn't even remember you lost.

Yeah, the last club I couldn't find you,

and then I went all
around the parking lot

pressing the lock button hoping
to hear a "whoop-whoop."

And then I realized you probably
took a car service home.

I took a car service, yeah.

Anyway, uh, let me get your number.

Yeah. Let me give it to you.

Let me give it to you good. Whoop-whoop!

Aha!

We did it. We made it to sunrise.

You know what this is?

Me picking up the invisible gauntlet.

Me holding it over my head
and dancing around with it.

Fine, you both proved yourselves
worthy of an all-nighter.

Oh, I love how everything
just came together,

like in a movie.

Oscar showed up at the diner.
Daniel showed up at the diner.

That tattoo truck pulled up
just as we were leaving.

And we commemorated the night
with our matching tattoos.

- Ankles aweigh!
- Oh, those are so cute!

I wish I would've got one.

Wha... Phil, you did get one.

You just fell asleep in the chair.

PHIL: Well, where'd you
come from, little kitty paw?

(LAUGHING)

You know, this makes
us more than friends.

This makes us like a g*ng.

Like a badass kitty g*ng.

If you want to be a really
badass kitty g*ng,

we should keep it totally
secret from everyone else

and never talk about it again.

- That is really badass.
- (RANDI LAUGHS)

The question is, how
does a badass kitty g*ng

stay awake during work?

I feel like I'm gonna fall over.

I call dibs on first nap.

All right, I'll fire up
the espresso machine.

Better yet, I'll get us some
coffee beans to chew on.

And I'll just relive last night
over and over in my mind.

- (CHUCKLES)
- ("MAN! I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN!" PLAYING)

♪ Let's go, girls. ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪