02x02 - The Great Punkin' Adventure

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Look up there ♪
- ♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

[alarms ringing]

[both yawn]

BOTH: Chore Chiefs!

And now let us say
the Chore Chiefs oath.

BOTH: As the sun appears,
we gather our gear,

and so our chores begin.

Dish divas!

Window wizards!

Vacuum velociraptors!

Poopin' princes!

I'll tell Dad
about that one when I'm done.

Let us chore no more
until tomorrow.

- It's time for...
- BOTH: Breakfast boys!

Good morning,
guest house squatters.

JK. I just learned about JK.

- Joshing kindly.
- Guys, huge news over here.

Last night, Honeybee and I
were at the Gazebo Depot...

you know, gazebo gazing...
and we ran into Mayor Peppers.

We told him about our new
video event company,

- "Pause for Applause."
- And he said he might hire us

as videographers for his most
beloved niece's birthday party!

Oh, I can't believe that little
Becky Peppers is already .

Sounds like opportunity has
mounted the porch and knocked.

Well, it's not our job yet.
Mayor Peppers wants

to see what we can do with
a lower-stakes project first.

Yup. He wants us to make a video
tribute to our beloved town

for everyone to see at the annual

State of the Moose:
Lone Moose Moose Banquet.

Is it time for the
S-O-T-M-L-double M-B already?

I can't wait to celebrate
all the great new developments

in Lone Moose this year.

Like the new dog-poop bag
station near the merry-go-round.

It's gorgeous.

And the taxidermied bear at the
library that finally got restuffed.

Nice smooth belly, no lumps.

Or the new cuckoo clock factory
that's moving here.

It's going
to create over jobs.

- . jobs.
- [scoffs] Hope you guys like traffic.

HAM: Cream corn day?

More like dream corn day,
because I got two helpings.

[high-pitched] Hot!
Ow! Ow! Ow!

Oh, no. Ham!
I'll get you some ice.

Aah. Thanks, Judy. Ooh.

Uh, hi, Principal Gibbons.
Sorry I yelled so loud.

- Am I in trouble?
- You? Ham Tobin?

Three-time Good
Behavior Award Champion?

God, no. I just wanted
to make sure you're okay.

Oh, I'm okay. A lot of it
pooled in my pockets.

I'll just dump it out
when I get home.

Sounds good.
Ham Tobin in trouble.

Sheesh.
[laughs]

Dang it. Now the smell of
my pants is gonna make

- me hungry all day.
- Oh. Hey, Ham.

Oh. Hello, cool.
I mean Quay.

I saw what happened back there.
I mean, actually, I heard it.

- Oh, the scream?
- Don't be embarrassed.

- It sounded awesome.
- Really? Thanks.

I'm not even the best yeller
in my family.

My brother Wolf
is the real scream queen.

Well, it gave me an idea.
I was wondering if you

want to try out for my punk
band, Messengers of Chaos.

I used to be the singer, but I
just got into madrigal choir so,

♪ I can't risk the vocal strain. ♪

Anyway, the band
is pretty hard-core,

so I don't know
if that's your scene.

Huh. I'm hard-core sometimes.
I think.

Cool. You want
to audition after school?

Uh, I don't know.
[short chuckle]

Is it necessary to
change vacuum attachments

to properly clean corners?
[chuckles]

- What?
- Yes. My answer is yes.

QUAY: Ham, this is Bethany Bones

- and Steven the Psycho.
- Hey.

- What's up, man?
- Okay, sing this

like you just got b*rned
by creamed corn.

- But in your soul.
- Hello, my punks.

My dad was wondering
if you could not practice today.

He just got his appendix out,
and he says he needs to rest.

Maybe we're the ones
who need a rest. From his rules.

Parents are the worst.
Gill, do you want

- to be our manager or not?
- Uh, yeah, totally,

I'm your guy, , %.
I'll talk to him.

He's kind of in and out,
but I'll-I'll try.

All right, let's rock.

One, two, three, four.

[speaking song]
♪ Anarchy Stew, Anarchy Stew ♪

♪ Heat it up, add some glue... ♪

Come on, man. Fight society's
expectations with your voice.

♪ Anarchy Stew,
the recipe's invalid ♪

♪ Now wash it down
with some chaos ♪

♪ Salaaaaaad... ♪

Salad.

WOLF: Okay, guys, this
movie is our chance to wow

- everyone in town.
- We want you all to be in it,

and we're also
the kind of directors

who think good ideas can
come from anywhere, like McG.

So put up your umbrellas.
I feel a brainstorm coming on.

Let's hear those ideas.

Two words.
Tree karate.

Three words.
I love it.

I could show the camera
how to make my favorite salad.

A lettuce salad.

Lettuce...
celebrate that great idea.

Hmm, and what will I do?

I don't know.
Just off the top of my head...

Uh, a dead ballerina
wandering through a rainy field

looking for her lover of yesteryear.

And then she does a dance
to help her process the fact

that everyone and everything
she knew is gone.

Wow. How can we say no
to any of these ideas

- when they're all so good?
- We can't. We're not insane.

Now let the magic commence.

Wonderful.
I'll go get my lettuce.

And my lettuce bowl.

That was pretty intense in there.

It was as intense as the last
time I got to see my grandpa.

Two weeks ago.
He was super grumpy.

Ham, your voice made me furious.
In a great way.

Thanks, but just so you know,
I can't really sing that loud.

The microphone
was making me louder.

Well, we have a lot of people
who want the job,

- so we'll let you know.
- Thanks for the opportunity.

Quay.
Stephen the Psycho.

Bethany Bones.
Gill.

♪ Sad ballerina ♪
[music plays]

♪ Sad ballerina, sad ♪

♪ Why, ballerina,
why, ballerina, why? ♪

And cut. We got minutes of
Judy doing that. Is that enough?

Not sure. You know, the best
movies sh*t tons of footage

'cause they made it up
as they went along.

Jurassic Park was originally
a teen romantic comedy

called Jungle High,
but it was so darn boring,

they started adding dinosaurs.

Who knows
what we'll end up with.

All right.
Judy, from the top.

- ♪ Sad ballerina, sad ballerina ♪
- [phone ringing]

- ♪ Sad, why, ballerina ♪
- HAM: I got it!

- ♪ Why, ballerina? ♪
- Hello?

[gasps]
I did? I am?!

I'm in a band! Bring in
the Ham, bring in the punk.

Huh. Where's the button bin?

Ah! Aha.

'Kay, let's see what says
"hard-core."

No, nope, nope, not you.

There you are.
Yeah. Punk rock.

So, uh, what time
are we practicing?

Oh, today isn't a practice day.

Every Tuesday, we go punkin'.

Yeah, we go do badass stuff

to inspire us
to write badass songs.

Mm-hmm,
we live the punk way of life,

like Johnny Rotten
or Gwen Stefani.

So are we doing stuff that could
actually get us in trouble?

Do you want to wake up in
a coffin at the end of your life

with a report card
full of straight A's

and a bunch
of pleasant memories?

- No?
- Punk or die, butterfly.

♪ Go to sleep,
teachers and guppies ♪

♪ You can't stop us from
petting those puppies... ♪

Engine to Starbase.

This is Private John Seinfeld.

I see no sign
of a breach anywhere.

Aah!

♪ 'Cause it's just chalk,
but look what we wrote with chalk ♪

♪ We'll never be like you,
we wrote the word "poo" ♪

♪ And you can't stop us, no way... ♪

Before you begin,
check and make sure

you didn't buy cabbage.

♪ Doing stuff to mannequins ♪

♪ Getting all straight A's again ♪

♪ So punk we'll
make your freezer melt ♪

♪ Wearing extra seat belts ♪

♪ You said "take one"
but we'll take three ♪

♪ And now we're sitting
in a frozen crowd of trees. ♪

God, my mom is smothering me.

I know I have a viola lesson.

You know what? I'm gonna
show up five minutes late

to mess with her head.

When my mom asks me
if anything interesting happened

at school today, I'm gonna say no.

But it's a lie. Tons of
interesting things happened.

My mom is making us spaghetti
and garlic bread again.

I can't wait to tell her
how I spoiled my appetite

- with baby carrots.
- So you guys, uh, don't get along

with your parents really well
and love spending time with them?

What? Of course not.
Why? Do you?

Uh, no. I mean,
sometimes my dad gets me up

to do chores at : a.m.,
and I'm like,

I don't even love doing chores
or bonding

with my dad more than anything
in the world. [sputters]

- [phone dings]
- Ugh. Come on, Mom.

You don't control me.
See you later, guys.

- Stay punk.
- I will.

I... will.

Hello there, Ham. Better hang up
your coat and wash your hands...

we're eating in front
of Wheel of Fortune.

It's Teachers Week.

QUAY: Parents are the worst...
the worst...

STEVEN: Spaghetti and
garlic bread again.

Ham, did you hear me?

- Can you wash your hands?
- You wash my hands.

Uh... it was just a suggestion.

You know your own hands.

Whoops. It seems like
you accidentally

- missed the coat hook there.
- Or... I don't know...

maybe I laid my jacket carelessly
on the ground on purpose.

Come on, bud. Are you low
on potassium again?

- Do you need a banana?
- No, thank you!

Do you know you put a banana
on your coat, son?

- Yeah, Dad, I do.
- O-kay.

[groans]

I just don't feel like
hanging my jacket, okay?!

We're back on the jacket.

Sometimes when you tell me
to do something,

uh, I don't feel like doing it.

And you know what else?

I'm... I'm quitting Chore Chiefs.
At least for a day.

- Then we'll see.
- Whoa.

Hmm. Well,
this is new territory for us,

but I guess I should punish you
or something for acting out?

- Maybe go take a break in your room.
- Fine!

Do you want to help me finish
setting up the TV trays?

Sure. Where is everybody?

Don't they know
it's Teachers Week on Wheel?

I'd like to solve the puzzle, Moon.
"I forgot to remind them."

These candy corn lights
are like, "What?

It's not Halloween, right?"

My dumb dad said they were
cheap and a fire hazard,

so he wouldn't let me hang them
at our house.

- I'm so sorry, Quay.
- [sighs] Thanks, Bethany.

Yeah, my, uh, my dad
sent me to my room last night

because I said I didn't
want to do chores anymore.

And I was in there for minutes

- before my sister came and got me for dessert.
- Damn.

Yeah.
It's kind of like...

Parents... don't they know
that they're jerks?

G-Getting on my case,
making me do homework?

Wait. Say that again.

♪ Parents,
don't they know they're jerks? ♪

♪ Parents,
make me do homework ♪

♪ Parents,
they always drive me nuts ♪

♪ Parents,
and they smell like ♪

[singing] ♪ Butts. ♪

That was, like, incredible.

Hey, guys, guess what?

I, Gill Beavers, your manager,
got you a gig.

- Yes!
- Whoa.

- Oh, hell yeah.
- Messengers Of Chaos.

You guys are playing
a one-song set

at The State of the Moose:
Lone Moose Moose Banquet.

- Yes!
- My dad's on the planning committee.

He said he's got to fill four minutes,

and there's no budget, so we're in.

We have to play "Parents,"
for sure. It's our best song.

Lone Moose is about
to get a wake-up call.

Cock-a-doodle-doo.

Here comes the reality rooster.

How is the videotape coming along?

Very well. We already have
hours of footage.

Oh, hello, Ham.

I assume I shouldn't ask you
about washing your hands.

Uh-oh.
Here come the fireworks.

That's right, Dad.
I will wash them

if I want to, which I already did.

Great.
So, how was your day?

Good. We had band practice
at Gill Beavers' house.

Director's note: get footage
of band practice for film.

Great idea, my Taika Wife-titi.

[gasps]
Oh. And we have a gig.

At the State of the Moose:
Lone Moose Moose Banquet.

- Wonderful, son.
- Wow, holy toast!

We're even gonna play
a new song I wrote.

It's called "Pare... rr..."

What, Ham? What is the
new song you wrote called?

"Pair... of Friends."

About two friends
who go on a fishing trip.

[gasps]
Do they catch anything?

- Yup.
- Fantastic.

Oh, sick! We're headed
right into the fiery heart

of the Lone Moose music scene.

Hey, does Gill's dad still make
those kickass blondies?

[drumsticks rhythmically clicking]

♪ Parents ♪

♪ Don't they know they're jerks? ♪

♪ Parents,
make me do homework ♪

♪ Parents, they always
drive me nuts ♪

♪ Parents, and they smell like ♪

♪ Butts. ♪

Let's take a blondie break.

- So, uh, what do you think?
- Buddy, I'm worried about that song.

You're really going to sing that
in front of Dad at the banquet?

About parents sucking?

I mean, you might as well
pull out Dad's heart

and whiz all over it.

- He's gonna be hella crushed.
- I know.

Hey, maybe you guys can write
a different song, like, uh...

♪ Blondies,
boy, they taste so good. ♪

- Yeah, good idea, Wolf.
- Good. Great talk, buddy.

Hey, when you play
the blondie song at the banquet,

can you mention I helped write it?

Hey, Dad. How's the
wood-chopping coming along?

[grunts]
There's still a lot more to do.

- So, it's great.
- Um, I was wondering something.

What would you do
if someone called you a jerk?

A jerk?
Ouch. That'd be tough,

especially if it was someone
I cared about and respected.

But I'd probably get over it
within a matter of months.

- Months, huh?
- Ham,

did someone at school
call you a jerk?

Is that why you put a banana
on your coat the other night?

Uh, no, Dad.
No one called me a jerk.

Hmm. Well, whatever it is,
I will try to help.

I know I don't always understand
what you're going through,

and the Chore Chiefs hasn't been
the same without you this week,

- but I'm glad we're communicating.
- Uh, yeah. Me, too, Dad.

[drumsticks rhythmically clicking]

♪ Parents, don't they
know they're jerks? ♪

♪ Parents,
make me do homework? ♪

[applause, cheering]

♪ ♪

Dad?
Has anyone seen my dad?

Telegram.
Telegram for Mr. Ham Tobin.

[gasps]
I'm Mr. Ham Tobin.

"Mr. Tobin. Stop.

We regret to inform you. Stop.

That your father has d*ed.
Stop.

His heart stopped. Stop.
And then exploded.

Stop. When someone
called him a jerk. Stop."

No!

MOON: Engine to Starbase.

Wolfie, it's : in the morning.
Is everything okay?

I told you not to
drink orange soda after : .

It's not that. It's...

Look, I know I promised
I could edit this thing,

but the cut's hours
and minutes long.

- Babe, we can cut it down.
- How? Everything Judy did was solid gold.

And Dad. And Moon.
It's all gold.

It's just one giant gold sandwich

with hundreds of slices of gold
smothered in gold sauce.

Wolf, you have to relax.

The first cut of
Maze Runner : The Scorch Trials

was eight hours long,
and it turned out perfect.

Yeah, but they had the best
people in the world working

on Maze Runner : The Scorch
Trials and a lot of time.

We have to show something
tomorrow night,

and I have no idea
what it's gonna be.

Babe, when John Krasinski
has a script problem

who pulls out that big red pen
and goes nuts?

- Ah, his wife, Emily Blunt.
- Exactly.

Now, let's cut the crust off
this panini.

Guys, hey, um,
about the song tonight.

I was thinking about it,

and I don't think "Parents"
rocks quite hard enough.

Yeah, so, um, I came up

with an even better song
we can play instead.

[scat singing]

♪ Butternut squash?
Better not, Josh. ♪

♪ Butternut squash?
Better not, Josh. ♪

Definitely brings up
some valid issues,

- but not totally feeling it.
- Yeah, I mean, that is great,

but it's not "Parents" level great.

Ham, just be happy
you wrote the perfect song.

- "Parents" rules.
- Mm...

HONEYBEE: Well, it's two minutes

and seconds of something.
I just hope it's ready.

PEPPERS:
Good evening, everyone.

I am Mayor Peppers, and tonight

we're here to talk about
Lone Moose.

But first, let us acknowledge
that before this place

was called "Lone Moose"
by some very cold

and very grabby Europeans,

it was the homeland of my
ancestors, the Sugpiaq people,

for thousands and thousands
and thousands of years.

And while land
acknowledgements are fine,

it'd be better if they just went
ahead and gave the land back.

I'd also like to say that
I believe Vera over there

took my cupcake caddy
Tupperware

at last month's bingo night.

So, if you feel like giving her
a disapproving head shake,

by all means, go for it.

And now it's time
to let the Moose loose.

Later, we'll be hearing from the
CEO of the cuckoo clock factory.

But first, help me welcome
Lone Moose's

very first punk
rock and roll band,

Messengers of Chaos,

- with a youthful song.
- [applause]

I wore a button today, too.

- And I brought both of these.
- Cool.

- [guitar plays over speaker]
- Hi.

Um, we're
Messengers of, um, Chaos,

and this song is called...

- [mumbling] "Parents."
- One, two, three, four.

♪ Parents, uh, parents... ♪

[singing gibberish]

- What are you doing, man?
- [whimpering]

[speaker feedback]

Ham?

Okay, well, while we figure that out,

let's take a moment to meet the CEO

from Elegant Cuckoos, Paul Reingold.

Cuckoo.
What do you think of

when you hear the word "cuckoo"?

Wrong. What you should
think is inspiration.

- Ham? Hey, what's going on?
- Dad.

[clears throat, sighs]

I have a confession to make.

I was about
to sing a terrible song

about how parents are jerks,

and then everyone would think
I was singing about you,

including you, but it's not
even about you. Not really.

Well, what do the song words say?

Hmm. You know,
just that parents are jerks

and that they stink and
they're dumb and they're bossy.

You know, that kind of thing.

Ham, it's okay. In fact,
I have honestly been relieved

to finally see your rebellious side.

I mean, you have always been
so agreeable and so helpful.

You don't earn the title
Chore Chief for nothing.

I love being a Chore Chief.

I guess I am hard-core
about hard chores.

I know you are, son.

But it's okay
to explore your rebellious side.

- Really?
- Yes, and I would be honored

for you to sing
a disparaging song about me.

- [gasps] You would?
- Very much.

And if being a proud parent
makes me a jerk,

then I'm the jerkiest parent
there is.

- You call me Beef Jerky.
- Thanks, Beef Jerky.

Now get in there
and give me hell.

Hey, sorry about that,
everybody.

You know, punk rock is about
saying what you really think,

no matter what.

It also seems
to be about wearing army coats

with lots of buttons.

Honestly, I'm still learning.

Anyway, this song is about
what I really think.

It's called "Parents."

♪ Parents,
don't they know they're neat? ♪

♪ Parents,
make the food I eat ♪

♪ Parents,
drive me to the mall ♪

♪ Parents,
buy expensive dolls ♪

♪ Parents,
they have cool careers ♪

♪ Parents,
help me face my fears! ♪

I love my dad
and I don't care who knows it.

[song ends]

- Hey, Ham.
- Hey, Quay.

Sorry that I changed the lyrics
of our song

into a song
about how I like parents.

If you want to kick me out
of the band, I get it.

Actually, that was really punk rock,

changing the words at
the last minute like that.

Plus, my mom liked it, and she
kind of does a lot of stuff for me.

And now, a very special video
by Wolf and Honeybee Shaw-Tobin.

Here is
To Lone Moose, With Love.

Greta Gerwig, give us your light.

♪ Why, ballerina,
why, ballerina, why? ♪

And that's how you fill
a pitcher with water.

- Why are they so quiet?
- Maybe this is just a total disaster.

Hey, that's my house!

And there's the gazebo!
I've sat there.

[gasps]
That's my backyard!

And my werewolf mask!
I lent it to them. [laughs]

- Wow.
- I recognize so many places.

This is the best movie
I have ever seen.

[woman and man reading]

[applause]

We made a masterpiece.

You complete me.
And our video projects.

HAM: The trick to writing
a good punk song is finding

something that you're mad about
and then just kind of shoutin' it.

Huh, sounds easy enough.

Let me think of something
that really makes me furious.

Oh, okay, I-I have one.

[Ham scat sings rhythmically]

♪ People who rake their leaves
in piles ♪

♪ And leave them to blow in the wind ♪

♪ Are very inefficient people. ♪

- That was great.
- I have-I have more.

[Ham scat sings rhythmically]

♪ And now their leaves
are all over the road ♪

♪ And that seems very thoughtless ♪

♪ Bag your leaves
in a timely fashion ♪

♪ Bag your leaves in a timely
fashion! ♪

♪ Butternut squash,
better not, Josh ♪

♪ Tortillas and beans,
nuh-uh, Eugene ♪

♪ Nice piece of fish-a,
you wish, Tricia ♪

♪ Butternut squash,
better not, Josh ♪

♪ Butternut squash,
better not, Josh ♪

♪ Corn on the cobb,
you disappoint me, Rob ♪

♪ PB and jelly,
forget it, Shelly ♪

♪ Butternut squash,
better not, Josh ♪

♪ Butternut squash,
better not, Josh ♪

♪ Blueberry pie,
you're dreaming, Ty ♪

♪ Pastrami, Reuben,
hell, no, uh... Reuben ♪

♪ Butternut squash,
better not, Josh ♪

♪ Butternut squash, better not... ♪