05x13 - Three's a Crowd

[bunniefuu]

Hilary, what are you doing?

I'm putting tags on everything I'm taking with me.

Taking with you where?

Oh, didn't I tell you?

The other day when I went out to buy that sweater...

I bought a house to match. Ha, ha.

Sweetheart, that's unbelievable. Ha, ha.

Do I know how to accessorize or what?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

You can't take all that stuff with you. The hell she can't.

Thanks, Daddy.

[SINGING "THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR" THEME]

Were you or were you not supposed to be there at 11 p. m. sharp?

[GIBBERS]

I told you I had to drop Lisa off.

Besides, I was there at 11:30.

Right. For 30 treacherous minutes...

I stood alone at the corner of Rexford and Olympic.

Carlton, that's Beverly Hills.

Yeah, the bad part.

90211.

[CARLTON SIGHS]

You know, Will, lately you've been completely unreliable.

I just hope you don't disappoint me this weekend.

This weekend?

Oh. Oh, yeah, this weekend, yeah.

Yeah.

You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?

Yeah, yes I do.

This weekend.

You know, Saturday and Sunday.

How you constantly disappoint me.

What do we always do the first weekend after the new year?

Your annual height check?

After that.

This weekend is our yearly bros-in-the-snow getaway.

Come on, Will.

We've gone on these trips the last four years running.

I live for this weekend.

Okay, Carlton, I am sorry. I forgot. All right?

I'll go. Just go upstairs and wax your skis or your legs or whatever you wax.

All right, I'll forgive you this time.

Oh, this is going to be grand. Ha-ha-ha.

[GRUNTS]

Asking Miss Lisa for permission?

First of all, Benson, I ain't gotta ask nobody for permission.

Hey, Lisa.

Hey, sweetie. Uh...

Listen, babe, um, about our date this weekend...

Oh, Will, you know what, I just found out that I have to work.

Oh, darn.

Uh, I guess I'll just have to go on an annual ski weekend to Mammoth with Carlton.

Well, good, because when you're not busy, you know you get yourself into trouble.

[BOTH LAUGH]

All right, baby. It's a shame you can't come with us.

Yeah, I wish I could. Well, wear your long johns.

[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Yes, dear.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Hey, I love you, baby.

I love you, too.

All right. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

[CLUCKING]

That was a pretty nasty fall you took there, Will.

Fall? Pfft.

No, you must have been watching one of the other black skiers.

[CARLTON SIGHS]

Oh, these weekends really get my adrenalin pumping.

How about some hot cocoa?

Yeah, make mine a double.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Two cocoas please. One grande.

Will, you remember when we first started coming up here?

Uh... Yeah, it was a weekend, wasn't it? I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

I remember now. This place is always fly, man.

Wait till you see what I got planned for the rest of the evening.

After we power down our cocoas, there's a complimentary luge lesson.

Followed by supper at 7, then back to the room for some hot spiced cider... and a Barbara Walters Special.

Normally, I would ditch you on that last one... but, uh, I'm gonna let you in on a little something.

Ever since I was like 7, I had a mad crush on Barbara Walters.

I thought I was the only one.

How do you feel about Nancy Reagan?

Oh, see now you're being just sick.

Hi.

Nice parka. Down?

Uh, no, it's a poly blend.

Mine's alpaca.

I'm Angie Cobb.

Look, Miss Cobb, I know what you're up to and I'm not interested.

You have eyes, take a look, I'm with him.

This is our special weekend.

Oh. Well, good for you.

Good for the both of you. Ha, ha.

Wait a minute, baby. I don't even know this guy.

Geoffrey, admit it.

You're going to miss me, aren't you? Oh, yes, Miss Hilary.

In fact, I'm going to go upstairs right now and have myself a good cry.

[CRIES]

Wow, he's even more upset about my leaving than I thought.

I hope he doesn't hurt himself.

I can't believe it. My big sister's moving out.

Oh, Ashley, mi casa es your casa.

You can come over any time you want.

Except for Tuesdays when I sh**t three shows and I really need my space.

Oh, and Thursdays. I shop till about 9 and then I take a warm bath and read.

Why don't you come over on Mondays between 11:15 and 2:30?

Hilary, I'm in school.

Well, if you can't find the time...

Another cocoa, Will?

Oh, no, I'm gonna have to pass, C.

I drink another cocoa, I mess around, I have to let out a Hershey bar.

[CARLTON SIGHS]

This is what life's all about. I mean, look around us. Is this not the best?

Two guys together, beautiful surroundings, white snow, fresh air.

God, look at those mountains.

The hills are alive.

You know, we should get away more often.

Me and you, you and... Lisa.

Not Lisa. No offense, I know she's your girlfriend, but...

Hey, baby. Hey.

What are you doing here? My boss didn't need me.

So it was either stay home and study or come up here and be with my baby.

Aw. Break it down one time. Ahh. Ha-ha-ha.

Hey, Carlton. Nice to see you again, Lisa.

Uh, Will, I'm gonna go to the car and get my stuff.

I'm so happy you invited me.

You invited her?

Well, yeah. Well, kind of.

Come on, Carlton, now, this does not mean that we can't still have a good time.

Smile.

Smile.

You can do it. No.

Look, this was supposed to be our special weekend.

I don't wanna share you with some woman.

Listen, Carlton, just because Lisa's here, that don't mean we can't have fun, man.

Listen, hey, we are gonna do every single thing that you have scheduled.

Promise? Yes, sir.

We'll go luging? Absolutely.

We'll go to the restaurant I picked? Oh, yes, sir.

What about Barbara Walters? I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Carlton, come on, man, ain't nothing changed. We are inseparable.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

WILL: Oh. What's up, baby? Hey.

Listen, why don't you go down and check out some of the shops?

Uh, unless you wanna hang out with a couple lugers.

[LISA GIGGLES]

Will, it was such a cold and lonely drive up here...

I just wanna go upstairs and get into a nice hot bubble bath.

You do know how to pour bubbles, right? Mm.

Um, hold that thought.

Carlton... Oh, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.

Oh, I'm out of here. Carlton.

Where are you go...? Carlton, come on, man.

What is wrong with him?

Um, nothing. Uh, baby, listen, why don't you go ahead upstairs... get the tub started, let Calgon take you halfway, and I'll come take you the rest.

Carlton, wait.

[ENGINE STARTS]

Carlton. Get out of my car.

Carlton, this is not your car.

Then get out of my rental car.

No. Fine.

Look, Carlton, come on.

Now I'll never get to see that Barbara Walters Special.

And she had Henry Winkler too.

Carlton, listen, man.

You made me miss Fonzie.

Carlton, look. No, you look.

No, slow up, deer.

Don't you try to sweet-talk me, Will.

No, Carlton, in the road, a deer!

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[BRAKES SQUEAL]

[CRASH]

Oh. Oh.

Oh, I don't believe this.

I know, these air bags are worthless.

I'm alive!

I'm alive!

I swear, God as my witness...

I will be in church first thing Sunday morning.

Oh, wait, Sunday's bad.

[RUSTLING]

Oh. Okay, I'll cancel, I'll cancel.

Your whole life does flash before your eyes.

Which reminds me, you still owe me 20 bucks from three years ago.

You want your 20 bucks?

Okay, here it is.

[GIBBERING]

Now, go get it, you little car flipper.

What are you doing?

Making a mental note of where it is in case we get out of here, which we won't.

What are you talking about? It's a 40-foot drop to that slope.

Well, we ain't going that way.

I'm climbing back up to the road.

Will, that's sheer ice. Happen not gonna.

Back in Philly, they used to call me Spider-Man.

That was just one of my nicknames.

So this is it.

This is how the Carlton Banks story ends. With a whimper.

[WHIMPERS]

Shut up, Carlton.

[ECHOING] Help!

Echo!

Hi-de-hi-de-hi-de-ho.

Hi-de-hi-de-hi-de-hey.

Hi-de-hi-de-Heidi-Fleiss.

Daddy, isn't it great about Hilary? When do you think I'll get to move out?

Oh. Sweetheart, you know expressions like "when hell freezes over"?

"When the cows come home"? "When donkeys fly"? Pick one.

It's too dark to signal with that mirror, Will, you might as well put it down.

I've been trying to for, like, a half hour.

Will, I want you to eat me.

If I die first.

You can stay alive by using my body for nourishment.

Incidentally, the buttocks has the most meat.

God, I hope I go first.

[GRUNTS]

Ouch.

God, man, my fingers are getting all numb.

That's how it starts.

First numbness, then the sensation of needles on skin... finally, right before death, violent spasms... as your blood freezes and your heart locks up.

No more Discovery Channel for you, man.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

What Carlton, what? What? No, no, no!

What, Carlton, violent spasms? Tell me what to do.

I didn't get the insurance.

What? I put the car on my credit card... and I didn't get the $6 insurance.

You always wonder why they ask you to sign that waiver.

Well, there it is.

I don't know what's worse.

Dying a slow agonizing death or staying alive and listening to you.

Damn, it's cold.

You know, Will?

I don't have any friends.

What are you talking about, Carlton? You got plenty of friends, man.

You think people are your friends... but they're only that because of what you can do for them.

Except you, Will.

I don't do anything for you.

Even when you make fun of me...

I know you're doing it out of love.

You haven't been doing that as much lately.

What are you talking about, Carlton?

I just called you Thumbelina this morning.

Yeah, but your heart wasn't in it.

Look, Carlton... let me tell you something, man.

Lisa, that's my girlfriend and we're gonna be together, man.

But that doesn't change the fact that you're my best friend.

Stumpy.

I'd cry, but my tear ducts are frozen.

You know what? I ain't going out like this.

All right, look, I figure if I can hit this slope at the perfect angle...

I could ski down and get us some help.

Look, Will, I'm a much better skier than you.

Let me go. Go ahead.

You'd let me jump like that?

Hey, hey, hey, who better to risk his life for me than my best friend, huh? Huh?

Wait, Carlton.

I think I see somebody down there.

We're saved.

[ECHOING] Hello, up here!

I think he sees us.

[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

What? What did he say?

I think he said, "Don't yell."

Don't yell?

[YELLING THEN ECHOING] Why not?

[RUMBLING]

BOTH: Avalanche!

[GRUNTS]

You don't think anything bad happened? I'm sure they'll be back any second.

[WILL SCREAMING THEN THUDS]

[CARLTON SCREAMING]

What was that?

[THUDS]

Hey, you know, you never know how brave you can be... until you don't have no choice.

Now I see how people could jump out of burning buildings.

You couldn't figure it out before?

Look, Lisa, we still have a full day left.

Why don't we make the most of it? I would like that, Carlton.

There's three of us now, we need to get another room.

I have a room.

Hey, isn't that great?

Now you and I can stay together and Lisa can stay with her.

I can't believe it.

How could you not take the insurance? It only costs an extra $6.

Sweetheart, in honor of your new house... we've put together a little photo album for you.

HILARY: Oh.

Naugahyde. Wow.

You really went all out. Ha-ha-ha.

Just look at the pictures.

Oh, look, here I am at Camp Gucciwanka. Ha.

Camp Gucciwanka?

Oh, yeah, that's Apache for "over-privileged."

I drew a picture of the family, and that's you with the diamond.

Oh. I'm gonna miss you all so much.

Will, you take good care of that little lady.

And, Carlton, you stay just who you are, I mean that.

And, Daddy, don't worry, I still have duplicates of all your credit cards.

[PHIL LAUGHS]

Goodbye, little house.

Goodbye, little yard.

Oh, goodbye, little lamp.

No, I could use this.

[CRIES]

One down, four to go. Take it easy, Philip.

It's still about 13 years before our nest is empty.

Oh. Hey, guys, listen, me and Lisa about to run to Roscoe, get a little grub.

Uh, Carlton, you wanna go?

No, three is a crowd.

Come on. Okay.

See you later. PHIL, VIVIAN & ASHLEY: Bye.

Did you forget something, sweetheart? Um, not something, someone.

I hate my life.

ANNOUNCER: Yo, stay tuned for more Fresh Prince.