01x05 - High Risk Factor

[bunniefuu]

Were you hoping I wouldn't notice?

Sorry. Overslept.

Too much partying?

SAMANTHA: Eli, please.

Last party this guy
went to had a pony ride.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Sticks and stones, Samantha.

I was worried about my donor.

She was out all night.

I called, I texted.

I thought she was dead.

Turns out she was selling
fake I.D.s outside of a rave.

And then, on the way home, she stopped

in the middle of a highway
to rescue a kitten.

ALL: Aw.

No. No "aw."

It was totally irresponsible.

That's cold, Drew.

She saved a kitty cat.

DREW: I know, I sound ungrateful.

You are ungrateful.

And I know you hate me
because I have a donor.

Nobody hates you.

Please do not speak for me.

I-I am just so stressed out.

I never know where she is

or who she's with
or if she's even coming home.

And that's when my imagination just...

[SHUDDERS]

Good afternoon.

Would you be interested
in joining our cult?

Would I?

Come on in.

[WATER DRIPPING]

Oh, man.

They stole my kidney.

I was saving that for Drew.

That's what you're worried about?

It does happen.

People do sell organs
on the black market.

Do you have their number?

- ♪ The more you give ♪
- ♪ The more you give ♪

- ♪ The more you live ♪
- ♪ The more you live ♪

- ♪ Your happiness is relative ♪
- ♪ Happiness ♪

♪ But if you're feeling like crap ♪

♪ It's time to face the fact ♪

♪ It's your prerogative ♪

♪ Your prerogative ♪

♪ To be positive ♪

GINA: A tracking app? Mm...

That feels kind of stalker-y.

It's not stalking.

Every parent at school
has one with their kid

so they know exactly where they are.

That's stalking.

Not if you love someone.

That's stalking.

I'm worried you don't know this.

Plus, if you ever need me,

you know exactly where I am.

Oh, I always know where you are.

You're here.

Yeah, but what room?

[MEOWING]

Ugh. Is this the, uh...

traffic cat?

Ooh, yes.

I'm calling her Bolognese

because that's what you would have been

if I didn't rescue you.

- I know...
- No. Do not name it.

Once you name it,
you're gonna want to keep it.

Will you unclench?

I will find a nice home for her.

Thank you.

But you have to tell her.

- Very funny.
- I'm serious.

Tell her.

Okay, uh...

- Bolognese, I'm Drew, and...
- Don't worry.

Just because he has a name

doesn't mean we have to keep him.

Cannoli, this is Bolognese.

Bolognese, Cannoli.

I expect you guys to play nice.

I don't want to see any stereotypical
cats and dogs nonsense.

[PHONE RINGING]

- Hey, Drew.
- Hey. Guess where I am?

Really?

We're doing that again?

Come on, come on. Check the app.

You're upstairs?

Pretty cool, huh?

Okay. I'm gonna go hide.

You try to find me on the app.

[LAUGHS]

[PHONE RINGING]

- [SIGHS] What, Drew?
- Hey.

I just noticed

your phone battery
was running a little low.

Oh. Yeah, I forgot my charger.

Look in your purse.

You went in my purse?

I just dropped it in from above.

Along with some apple slices.

Hey. Me again.

I don't mean to be a pest,

but I see that you're in Queens,

and it's rather late.

Everything okay?

Um, yeah,
I'm just hanging out with a friend.

I'll be home soon. Bye.

Do you live with your parents?

No, but it's starting to feel that way.

Hey, guys.

This little cutie needs a home.

And if you DM me right now,

I'll throw in a free
case of my craft beer.

You better kick it up a notch,

or I'll have to put a hat on you.

Honey, all I'm saying is
it's never too early

to start thinking about
your college essay.

MADDIE: My father's getting
a kidney transplant.

I think I have the essay in the bag.

- Hey.
- Hey.

All right, well, bye.

No hug, no kiss, love you, too.

[LAUGHS]

See you Sunday.

Hey, uh...

can I ask you something?

Is it about Drew? What'd he do now?

Um...

You know what? It's okay.

No, no. Tell me.

It'll make me feel
better about leaving him.

It's just... [SMACKS LIPS]

the insane control issues.

Mm-hmm.

Go on.

Is he always so uptight?

He put this app on my phone

so he can track my every move.

Thank God they didn't have
that app when I was pregnant.

As it was, I always had

to give him a "I am alive" call

every time I got anywhere.

It's like, "Yes, Drew, I'm alive.

I'm just in the bathroom."

And God forbid I'm five seconds late

- for a doctor's appointment.
- [LAUGHS]

Once, I was late to a Lamaze class.

He had a full-on panic att*ck.

He started hyperventilating.

By the time I got there,
he was fully dilated.

Where does all that come from?

Have you met his parents?

No.

Gina, they are just
two angry cats in a bag.

And Drew was always stuck
in the middle, and...

you know, since he couldn't
control that then, now...

Oh! Oh, oh, oh! Oh. Speaking of cats...

[LAUGHS] Okay.

[MEOWS]

Can I interest you in a
cat named Bolognese?

Um...

- I don't think so.
- Wait, wait.

I've never been here before.

Yeah, this used to be my favorite bar

when I lived in the city.

Haven't been here for years.

- How come?
- My kids took my license away.

I've been running
red lights all my life.

Now they're worried?

For 75 bucks,
I can get you a fake license.

Oh, but it's got to be West Virginia.

- Oh, my God.
- [PHONE RINGING]

It's Drew again.

I'm not answering.

Good. This is our girl time.

Hos before bros, isn't that what we say?

Hell yeah.

[PHONE RINGING]

He is not gonna stop.

What a noodge.

What is it, Drew?

I'm in the middle of something.

Yeah, uh, well,
I couldn't help but notice that

you're in the city.

At a bar.

In not such a great neighborhood.

I'm hanging up.

What is that about?

He's keeping tabs on me.

[PHONE RINGING]

Oh, my God. Seriously?

Give me that.

You want to take your
head out of your ass?

- Who is this?
- NORMA: You want to worry?

Wait till you're old enough

to have something real to worry about.

Like if you need a hip replacement.

Or you have a stroke.

Or your doctor tells you
you need a pacemaker.

Remind me to call my doctor tomorrow.

You do realize that
my kidneys are failing.

Boo-hoo.

You have a beautiful angel here

who's giving you one of hers.

So enjoy life,

be happy,

and let her have one lousy
night out with her friends.

Anyone else you're pissed at?

Hey.

Making chocolate chip cookies?

No. Just the dough.

Well, you can't just eat cookie dough.

What if I put it in ice cream?

So the student has become the master.

[PHONE CHIMES]

Oh, great.

Everything okay?

Yeah. Yeah, it's just that
Gina's at some place

called The Thirsty Fish

and I don't think it's
an aquarium store.

It's not.

I'm guessing.

What? Are you tracking her?

No, I'm not tracking her.

I'm just making sure she's okay.

By always knowing where she is.

Great. My dad's a stalker.

That's what Gina said.

You do have control issues.

You're a therapist. I pick stuff up.

- I hate when you and Mom track me.
- What?

We don't track you.

What makes you think that?

Give me your phone.

No.

Give it.

[SIGHS]

Oh, wow.

Okay.

Yes, I was at Roosevelt Park yesterday,

but so were a lot of kids.

We were all doing homework.

Nobody was drinking beer.

You really should stop talking.

And you shouldn't be tracking Gina.

She's not your kid.

Does it help to know that

I'm just tracking a
particular organ in her body?

That is disgusting.

[LAUGHS] I hope I never have
to repeat that in court.

Gina's cool.

Chill.

[SIGHS] I don't think
I have that setting.

But you're right.
I will turn off the app,

try to relax.

Take a chill pill, as you kids say.

Or said. At one point in time.

Saved it.

This is why I do homework at the park.

Oh, don't worry. I'll clean up.

Thank you.

[PHONE CHIMES]

[GRUNTS SOFTLY]

Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

Gina, hello.
Uh, totally not checking up on you.

I've actually stopped that...
You can thank my daughter.

But I couldn't help but notice

you're in the middle
of the Hudson River?

Could you just text me back real quick,

let me know you're on a boat?

That's not sinking? [CHUCKLES]

Later.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

What?

Oh, hey, you woke me up.

No, I didn't.
I saw you turn the light off

when I pulled in the driveway.

Okay, okay, I-I'm sorry.
I won't do it again.

Better not.

I know how to take care of myself.

Been doing it, uh, my whole life.

I know. I know you do.

All right, then.

Oh, and if you really want to worry,

save it for next Saturday.

Why? What's next Saturday?

Me and Gabby are going skydiving.

You're kidding.

Jumping out of a plane.

- You're not kidding.
- Sweet dreams.

[DOOR CLOSES]

She's kidding.

You're kidding, right?!

Geronimo!

[CHUCKLES]

Good one.

[CHUCKLES]

And then my anxiety really kicks in.

And when was the first
time you experienced

this kind of anxiety?

Uh, probably my first real relationship.

I was 23,
we had been dating about a year...

[PHONE CHIMES]

[SIGHS] I am so sorry.

I forgot to turn my phone off.

Please, continue.

Oh, well,

- _
- she started making these

little comments
about moving in together.

Uh-huh. Go on.

That's all it took. I mean, total panic.

- Mm-hmm.
- Tightening

i-in my chest and my throat closing up.

- Sure, sure.
- The shortness of breath

and-and the sweating.

- Uh-huh.
- And this horrible feeling

like I was totally
powerless over my own fate.

Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Okay. I'll see you next Wednesday.

- Thanks, Drew.
- You bet. Be good.

You know,
something you said struck me...

That's our time. Bye-bye.

[GRUNTS] Dog.

[PANTING]

Okay.

[LINE RINGING]

SIRI: The voice mailbox for...

GINA: Gina.

SIRI: is full.

DREW: Of course it is,
because I already called

like, a hundred times
and she won't pick up.

[SIGHS] Drew, stop.

You promised her
you wouldn't do this. Come on.

She'll be fine. I'll be fine.

She's gonna die, I'm gonna die.

Don't be an idiot.
You piss her off, she bails,

your kidney goes with her.

You're the idiot. She jumps and dies,

your kidney goes with her.

I have no idea which
direction I'm driving in.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

- You okay?
- Yeah.

Hey. What's up?

[LAUGHS] What's up with you?

Oh, nothing.

Just sitting here in my driveway
alone with my thoughts.

Drew.

[SIGHS]

My kidney's getting ready
to jump out of an airplane.

Wait...

What?

Mike Rock's Skydiving Experience.

Gina's there now.

Boy, that kidney's gonna be
bored once it's inside of you.

You always know the right thing to say.

Okay, look, while it may not
be the most responsible choice,

I'm sure she's gonna be fine.

Okay. Here we go.

Do you know how
many fatalities there were

last year from skydiving?

No, Google, I don't.

One, out of 100,000.

Okay.

Do you know how many people
needed a transplant last year?

One out of every 200,000,
and I won that lottery.

Oh, for God's sake, don't, Drew.

Don't go down the Drew hole.
It is so dark and dismal.

Too late.

All right.

You know what? I give up.

You are a lost cause.

But don't drag that poor
woman down into your misery.

She's a hero.

She is giving up a piece
of her body to save you.

The least you can do is
let her live her damn life.

[LINE RINGING]

GINA: Hello?

What the hell are you thinking,
jumping out of a plane?

Uh, who is this?

It's Julia.

Drew's ex-wife.

Don't go around offering up your kidney

if you can't keep it alive.

Oh, you guys are
freaking out about nothing.

This is completely safe.

- What is that?
- Waiver in case the chute doesn't open.

Oh, okay.

Do you really have to do this now?

Can't you wait until
after the operation?

Look, Julia,

yes, I could die doing this.

I could also die in surgery.

But I'm not gonna die sitting on my ass,
wishing I had a life.

Plus our Groupon expires next week.

Plus our Groupon expires next week.

Look, I get it, you're a free spirit.

But we don't always get
to do everything we want.

You think I never wanted
to jump out of a plane?

Or-or go whitewater rafting
or go on one of those safaris

where you get to touch the giraffes?

Girl, why didn't you?

Uh, because Drew was always afraid

something bad would happen.

Well, you're not married to him anymore,

are you?

[ALL SCREAMING]

Oh...

That was one of the most
incredible experiences

I have ever had.

You never would've done
that when we were married.

I wouldn't have. It-it was like

I was jumping into my new life.

Thank you, Gina.

Aw, it-it's kind of cool.

I gave you a new life,
I'm giving you a new life.

I'm handing out new
lives all over the place.

[LAUGHS]

And you know what? I love cats.

I will take that little fluff ball.

Oh, my God.

Now I'm giving a cat a new life.

My powers have no bounds.

I can't remember ever
seeing you this happy.

Yeah, it's-it's 'cause I haven't been.

[LAUGHS SOFTLY]

Is that my fault?

No.

No, Drew, of course not.

It's mine. I... I let it happen.

Meet your new mommy, Bolognese.

Hello, sweetie.

Oh, look at us,
just two gals starting out

our new lives together.

Hey, do you know how to swipe right?

Oh, no. You're on Tinder?

Oh, well, no, not yet.

But I know who's gonna
be in my profile picture.

Yeah. Single lady with a cat.

Every man's dream. [CHUCKLES]

You okay?

You need mouth-to-mouth?
Because I'm only paid to do dialysis.

No, no, I'm just doing
some breathing exercises.

I teach them to all my clients.

It's just a great way to
let go of some anxiety,

which, in my case, means Gina.

I don't know, I've got anxiety

and I've been breathing my whole life.

How does it work?

Well, if you ever have
negative thoughts,

you just focus on your breathing.

You want to try?

- Sure.
- Why not?

SAMANTHA: No, I have to e-mail

an intern and rip her a new one.

What? It's how I relax.

Okay. Well, um, you just

breathe in deeply through your nose...

[INHALES]

and then exhale slowly out your mouth.

Breathe in strength...

[INHALES]

and exhale fear.

Oh, crap, I think I inhaled fear.

How do I get it out of me?

Send it my way, Jer.
It makes me stronger.

Hey, I'm kind of feeling this.

It's like my teammates
pouring Gatorade on my soul.

Yeah, it's a great way to just
gain some peace and clarity.

[INHALES]

[EXHALES]

[GAS HISSING]

Oh, come on.

Come on, come on.

[expl*si*n]

Sometimes pills help, too.