07x11 - Mr. Edith Bunker

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old
LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ ...birthday to you ♪

Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

And now...

the official poet of
the Sunshine Home,

Mr. Sol Kleeger, has
composed a poem

for our birthday girl.

And he's gonna recite it.

You wanna stand up, Mr. Kleeger?

To say a poem,
you have to stand.

Oh, boy.

That's good enough.

To Martha.

I love you for your
charming face.

Yeah?

Your wit and your maturity.

Yeah.

But most of all, I
love you for... Yeah?

Your check from Social Security.

How can I thank you, Sol?

We'll think of
something later...

in my room.

Come on. It's time to
blow out your candles.

Well, that's very good.
You almost blew one out.

Let's all help.

One, two, three, blow!

Happy birthday, Aunt Martha.

I just want everybody to know

that I have the
greatest little aunt

this side of Chicago.

As a matter of fact, I
attribute my success

to a lesson Aunt
Martha taught me:

"The early bird
catches the worm."

Which is good
for the early bird,

but not so good
for the early worm.

He always makes me laugh.

Look at him... I never
saw such a funny face.

I don't think it's a funny face.

What's the matter, Mr. Martin?

Why are you holding your chest?

What's happening?

I think he's having
a heart att*ck.

Charlie? Charlie!

Easy.

I can't hear him breathing.

He ain't got no pulse!

Mrs. Freedman, you
better call police emergency.

The number is - - .

You need a dime, darling?

What are you gonna
do, Mrs. Bunker?

Do something!

I guess I'll do my CPR.

The tip of the breastbone.

Two inches with...
I'm sorry, Mr. Martin.

Don't hurt him!

Mrs. Bunker knows
what she's doing!

One, two, three, four, five...

What she say?

What did she say?

She's counting.

Why is she counting?

Shut up... that's why!

One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.

Sunshine Home.

Emergency. A heart att*ck.

Yes, somebody's working on him.

Come in a hurry, please.

Hurry!

, I mean .

The nurse is out to lunch.

The rescue squad is on the way.

It's lucky it's only three
minutes from here.

His chest is beginning to move!

Is he breathing?

He's gonna be all right,
Martha. He's gonna be fine.

All his color's coming back.

He's moving!

He's breathing! You
did it, Mrs. Bunker.

You're a hero!

Mr. Kleeger!

Please, please, take
it easy, Mr. Kleeger.

Oh, my goodness.

One heart att*ck
a day is enough!

♪ It's me again ♪

♪ Independent me free again ♪

♪ Time to call
up all the crowd ♪

♪ Time to shout out loud ♪

♪ Time to have a party ♪

Hey, Edith, I'm home.

Come on out. I got a
terrific story to tell you,

so open up a can of beer there
and get the kisses over with.

Come and get it, papi!

Are you cookin' tonight?

Yes, you lucky devil.

We gonna have chicken.

Stuffed with bananas
and dynamite again?

No stuffed.

We're gonna have
rice with chicken breast.

Oh, don't say that, huh?

Don't say what?

Breasts.

Never say them two words
in mixed company, see.

It ain't delicate.

Oh. So what did you call these?

Don't do that!

If we gotta talk about
that, anything from here up

is the chest, you
know, the chest.

Oh, okay. So tonight we gonna
have chicken chest with "chiss."

I'm only tryin' to help you.

Can you say cheese?

cr*ck your mouth to the walls.

Can you say cheese?

Chiss. Chiss.

That's a hopeless case.

All right, I'll take
whatever you got.

Chicken with the chiss.

Look what I got for you!

Gimme that. Just say "pliss."

How about "please"?

Ah, it's close enough.

Where's Edith?

Some lady had her birthday
at the Sunshine Home.

Oh, my God, every time she
comes home from that joint,

she smells like rubber
stockings in the morning.

And I had this very funny
story I was dying to tell her.

Don't die, don't die. Tell me.

Tell you, huh?

All right.

Well, this guy Schiff
is my boss, see?

I hate him.

And he come in today wearing
a brand-new cheap toup, see?

What's a toup?

It's a thing a guy
wears on his head.

Oh, like a "hot"?

Not a hot; a hat. Hat.

I don't give a damn about that.

It's got nothing to
do with the story.

I'm talking about... a thing
a baldy guy would wear

Oh! You're talking about a wig.

All right, wig.

Let me get on
with the thing, huh?

Hi, Daddy. Hi, Teresa.

I'm right in the middle
of a story here, little girl.

Oh, yeah? What about?

It's about my boss, see...

Teresa, I got all the things at the
store that you wanted me to get.

I got the garlic
and the oregano.

And I got the "arros." Arroz.

And chorizo. Chorizo.

Uvas, manzana, tapas,

and naranjas! Naranjas!

Olé! Olé!

You've got enough
Spanish-Persian in there

to give the trots to
an armored division.

I'm sorry, Daddy.
What's your story about?

Oh well, it ain't much.

Just the boss come in
with a cheap toup today,

and it was hot in the
office so he took it off,

put it on the tie stand;
the office cat seen it,

jumped upon it, dug a
hole in it, and wet in it.

That's disgusting!

If it wasn't disgusting,
it wouldn't be funny.

Tell 'em to go to hell.

Hello.

No, Mrs. Bunker
isn't here right now.

Who's calling?

Kate Korman?

Oh! Oh, you mean...
Kate Korman?!

Oh, my!

What do you want Mother for?

She did?

What'd your mother do?

What man?

A man?

Where did it happen?

What the hell did
Edith do with a man?

Don't give me no Puerto
Rican answer to that.

Oh, well. Oh, my, Miss Korman.

That's simply
fantastic, isn't it?

Yes. Yes, that
would be wonderful!

I'm sure Mother would
be delighted to see you.

We all would be
delighted to see you.

Yes, please, do come right over.

We would be so honored.

Oh. Ha ha!

You're welcome, Miss Korman.

Oh, good-bye.

Bye-bye.

Oh, shut up there, will you?!

Who were you talking to there
in the Jackie Manassas voice?

Daddy, it was Miss Kate Korman!

Where do I know that name?

You know her; she's
on the evening news.

Oh, geez, that Kate Korman!

Geez, I hate that dame!

That's the dame I
never watch every night.

What's the matter with her?

Oh, geez, I can't stand
them lady newscasters.

They ain't got the
voice for it, ya know?

A woman's got a voice
for saying things like,

"Would you like a piece
of lemon meringue pie?"

or, "Yes, I will have
this waltz with you,"

or something like that, ya see.

But for the news, when
I'm looking at that last ten,

twelve minutes of
tragedies there every night,

I want somebody there

with a voice like a ghost.

They're all men
make the disasters;

let men report them.

Don't hit your father!

I think Kate Korman is terrific.

Oh, get outta here.

Anyway, you know
why she called here?

She wants Mrs.
Bunker on her show?

Yes!

Don't scream.

It goes through
my head like a nail.

She wants Ma on the
evening news tonight

as the Citizen of the Week!

Ah, geez. Hey, did I tell youse

Hollywood wants me
to play Rudy Valentino?

Daddy, you don't understand.

Ma saved someone's life
today at the Sunshine Home!

Don't be doin' these things
to me. Get off me there!

Saved somebody's life.

What did she do, throw herself in
the way of a runaway wheelchair?

No!

Ma!

You won't believe
what happened to me...

What a day, what a day.

She plops herself
down on my chair.

We heard all about it
because Kate Korman called,

and she wants you as Citizen of the
Week on her television show tonight.

Me on television? What for?

Because you saved
somebody's life.

Yeah, Ma, give us the details.

Will you get outta my chair?!

I'll sit here.

So, Ma, give us the details.

Who is this guy
whose life you saved?

Mrs. Linfoot's nephew
had a heart att*ck...

I feel like I'm on a subway.

CPR and he started
breathing again.

CPR?

That's cardiopulmonary
resuscitation.

She can handle that, and
she can't say "cheese."

Archie, what are you
doin' all the way back here?

Where would the
three of youse like me...

Up in the terlet?

I hear something out there!

That's not them already, is it?

What are they
runnin' over there?

It's a CBS truck,
and it's Kate Korman!

What is goin' on?

Don't be... this is crazy!

What is goin' on here?

Let me see what in
the hell's goin' on there.

There's the truck out
there with the big eye.

Please, Daddy, I
wanna answer it!

Get back!

Shut up, all of youse!

Oh, hi there.

Hello. I'm Kate Korman.

Oh, you didn't need to tell me.

Your face is a household word.

Come in and welcome
to the Bunker home...

The only home on the block

with a paid-up mortgage.

Which of you ladies
is Mrs. Bunker?

She's right over there.

That's me.

You look just like
you look on TV.

Hi.

This is my daughter
Gloria Stivic.

Yeah, it's my daughter
too. Get outta here.

Nice to meet you.

This is Teresa Betancourt.

Yeah, no relation whatsoever.

I got lucky.

How do you do?

And this is my husband...

It's nice to meet
you all. Do you mind?

Mrs. Bunker, many
congratulations

on your fast thinking today.

You're a natural for my
program "Citizen of the Week."

We'll do a live interview
here in your living room

on the : news.

Oh, my... But I don't
have nothin' to wear.

What you're
wearing is just fine.

I tell you what.

I got a nice kind of
a Disney World shirt.

Would that be too much?

Perfect for Disney World.

Have a good time there.

Mrs. Bunker, let's go over
here and sit down, shall we?

I'll ask you a few questions.

You probably wanna know a
lot about the neighborhood...

Oh, gee!

Daddy!

Daddy! Get outta there!

Your full name is
Mrs. Edith Bunker.

That's right.

Well, long as
you're writin' there,

you probably want the
husband's name, which is me.

Oh, I've got your name.

You're Mr. Edith Bunker.

We're gonna give that
equipment a final check,

make sure everything
is working fine, okay?

Let's get this show on the road.

Is everyone ready for rehearsal?

Por favor?

Can we get a level
on Mrs. Bunker here?

What are you doing?!

That's a microphone,
Mrs. Bunker.

Just say something, anything
that comes into your mind.

I smell burnt chicken.

That's fine.

No, it ain't.

That's a chicken
burning in the kitchen.

Gloria! Teresa!

Chicken chest with chiss! Ohh!

Now, you know,

I think you would look more
important if you sat over here.

But this is my husband's chair.

Who cares?

Rosemary, I'll sit over here.

Now, I will be
asking you questions,

and you'll describe
colorfully and vividly

how you saved that man's life.

Oh, I don't how to do that.

Well, with Edith
sitting in this chair...

It's okay, but, uh, where
do you want me, then?

It doesn't matter. The
camera won't see you.

Oh. Well, uh, if the
camera don't see me,

then you ain't
gonna get my picture.

Not if I'm careful.

Oh, Miss Korman, can't
Archie be here with me?

When Mr. Bunker accomplishes
something newsworthy,

we'll dedicate a program to him.

Oh, well, he was
in World w*r II.

Yeah, he got a
Good Conduct medal

and a Purple Heart.

He's still got some
shrapnel in him,

but he can't show
you where it is.

Well, the-the reason for...

I got the wound over in Italy,

bending over to tie my shoe...

Very interesting,

but we have only
minutes till we're on the air.

Will you please go over there,

Oh, yeah, sure. way over
there, while we rehearse?

Here. Here. Read this.

Okay, yes, thank you very much.

Just anything to help at all.

Uh, hey there.

I had a pair of them,
they was in the closet,

and the mice ate 'em, you know?

Let's see, we got CPR is being taught
by the American Heart Association,

Red Cross, and fire department
rescue squads across the nation.

CPR must be done
within the first four minutes,

that's the difference
between livin' and dyin'.

You gettin' that in there?

Mr. Bunker, would you
mind reading that to yourself?

We're trying to rehearse.

I was trying to be
heard. Now, first I will say

"Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to Citizen of the Week,"

and then I will introduce
you, and you can say hello.

Oh! Can I?

Yes, and then I'll
say something else,

like "Because of your
skill and alertness,

a man walks the good earth
breathing God's clean air..."

Not if he's walking
around New York, he ain't.

Now, let's set the
scene the way we'll do it.

A man has collapsed.

He stopped breathing.

His heart has
ceased to function.

Oh, my! And then what happened?

I was talking about Mr. Martin.

Oh!!

At the Sunshine Home.

Well, see, I figured that
he was havin' a heart att*ck,

and I had some training in CPR.

That's cardiopulmonary
resuscitation.

It was on that TV
show Minutes once.

We seen it.

We watch all of them
high-class educational shows

right through, no matter
how exhausted we get.

Tell me, Mrs.
Bunker, did you panic?

Oh, no, no. There wasn't time.

Oh...

See, they teach you that
the first thing you gotta do

is to force air into
the person's lungs.

Hey, Edith really
scores on that forcin' air.

You know, at our grandson
Joey's birthday party,

she blowed up balloons.

She's probably got
enough air in her

to blow a sailboat right
through the Panama Canal.

Yeah. See, he knows.

Sure. Right here.

Then, I will present
you with the award,

and I'll explain to the audience

the CPR technique
and how it's used.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, and
everybody can learn it.

Never do what they done
over my lodge one night.

A guy was there, he
passed out at the bar.

Instead of usin' that CPR, they
threw a bucket of water on him, see,

and the man drownded.

And he was the chairman
of the dance committee.

A man d*ed, and
you're laughin' here?

Mr. Bunker, we only have
minutes before we go on the air.

If you don't get lost, your wife
will never get on this program.

I was only hangin' around 'cause
I thought at a certain point there,

you was gonna bring
me in to the television...

I told you, no.

You wanna go on television,
I'll get you a chicken costume

and put you on
Let's Make A Deal!

Is she sore at something?

Miss Korman, Archie
didn't mean nothin'.

He was just tryin' to help.

Help?! He's done
nothing but get in the way!

Say that again.

You are in the way!

You didn't have
to tell me twice.

I understood the first time.

Okay, that's it!

I'm in the way!

Well, I'll get the hell outta
here and go down to Kelsey's.

Oh, no! Oh, yeah!

Please don't do that.

No, I don't wanna
stick around here.

Let Wanda Cronkite
over there... I won't!

Before I leave, I'll
say one more thing.

I would like to give you a
little bit of technical advice

that might help you
in your career, lady.

And what's that?

Zip up your fly.

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to Citizen of the Week.

Seated by my side
is Mrs. Edith Bunker

of Astoria, a courageous lady

who escaped from the
kitchen into the outer world

and literally breathed
life into the body of a man

on the brink of death.

Hey, Arch, Kate Korman's
doing a show at your house,

and you ain't there?

What do I wanna be there for?

Who needs that?

That's a woman's show.

They started rehearsin'
that, I grabbed my hat.

They through ya out, huh?

Edith Bunker, this
is your moment.

Say hello to a grateful public.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Gloria and Mike.

That's my daughter
and son-in-law.

What about our little grandson?

Oh, and hi, little Joey.

That's our little grandson.

Yeah, here I am.

Your grandma's in your TV.

Oh, but don't touch the
wires, especially if you're wet.

Kid's never dry.

Hey, Edith's
terrific on the tube!

How you gonna act with a
big-sh*t wife in the house?

How the hell do I know?

Maybe I'll wear a tie to bed.

Pipe down.

Korman's gonna
give Edith an award.

And so, this is for
you, Edith Bunker,

Citizen of the Week.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, my, that's beautiful!

I wanna say that I could
never have done it alone,

so I'd like to thank Mr. Martin
for havin' a heart att*ck.

Oh, and all the other
people at the Sunshine Home.

And especially my
husband, Archie Bunker.

Hey, Archie, she's
talkin' about you!

Shut up! Let the woman talk.

'Cause he's the real
hero in the family,

'cause if I wasn't
married to a man like that,

who puts up with
me goin' out to work,

I wouldn't have been
at the Sunshine Home

where I could've
saved somebody's life.

Very true. I always
give her total freedom.

I hope Archie's
watchin' with his pals

at Kelsey's Bar,

and I want him to
know that I love him,

and this is for you, Archie.

She didn't have to do
that in front of the world.

I will admit one thing though.

She does take a beautiful
picture on the television.

♪♪

All in the Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.