07x18 - Mike Goes Skiing

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old
LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Fellas! I got it!

I got it, I got it I got it!

Well, don't bring
it into my office.

You want to get rid of
it, take it to the clinic.

I am talking about
a fabulous weekend

at my uncle's ski
lodge at Lake Placid,

stocked with food,
booze, ski equipment,

and all expenses
paid. Any takers?

[ALL SPEAKING AT ONCE]

I hear they got ten inches
of new snow up there.

CHARLIE: They got it.

Okay, okay. Here's the plan.
: : , --] : : ,
We leave tomorrow
morning, : A.M. sharp.

CHARLIE: Why can't
we leave tonight?

Oh, wait a minute. Tomorrow?

It's got to be this weekend?
I can't make it this weekend.

What's wrong with this weekend?

I promised Gloria to take her

to Sheila Tishman's
engagement party Saturday night.

Who's Sheila Tishman?

She's a friend of Gloria's.
She gets married a lot.

Can't Gloria go without you?

Oh, you guys. You
don't understand.

Leo, Frank, you're not married.

Charlie, you... you have
an arrangement with Monica.

Uh, with Betty.

What happened to Monica?

Betty has a better arrangement.

Look, all I know is
Gloria's counting on this

and I just hate
to disappoint her.

Aw, come on. I bet all
you gotta do is just ask her.

Ha! Listen to him.
"Just ask her."
: : , --] : : ,
Said with all the depth and
understanding of a bachelor.

I can't just ask
Gloria to let me go.

ALL: Why not?!

Because. Because
if she says "no,"

I'll get angry at her,
we'll have a big fight.

If she says "yes,"
she really means "no,"

and then she'll get angry,
and we'll have a big fight.

FRANK: To have an opportunity
like this and not be able to go.

CHARLIE: That's why
I never got married.

Hey, no traps for me, baby.

Yeah, me neither. I like
my freedom too much.

Nobody's going to stick
me with a ball and chain.

LEO: All right, all right.
We can take somebody else.

What... How about Louie Pesci?

He's more fun
than Stivic anyway.
: : , --] : : ,
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait just a second.

Do not count me out as of yet.

Why? I thought you couldn't go.

How are you gonna swing it?

Don't worry. Don't
worry. I will swing it.

I need this vacation.

I need the fresh air.
I need the exercise.

Are you gonna
tell that to Gloria?

No. Gloria's going
to tell that to me.

Edith!

Hey, Edith!

What are you doing over here
anyway at this time of the night?

Edith. Edith! Are you up there?
: : , --] : : ,
Will you keep it
down? I'm upstairs.

Aw, come on. Look at the
time. The time. The time.

Where's the dinner, huh?

Shh. Joey's asleep.

See, I'm cooking dinner
here. It's for Gloria.

While she goes out shopping,
I'm babysitting for her.

I don't wanna eat dinner
over here with them.

The baby sitting in a high
chair flinging potatoes,

and the Meathead eating
the sh*ts off his own shirt.

You ain't gonna eat over here.

Hiya, Ma.

Oh. Shh. You'll wake up Joey.

Oh. Hiya, Popsydoodle.

What the hell is
"Popsydoodle" anyway?

Oh, Ma. Wait till you
see the new dress

I got for Sheila Tishman's
engagement party.
: : , --] : : ,
Ooh! I can hardly wait.

You gotta wait! Come on home
there and make me some food, yeah?

Daddy, sit down
and watch the show.

Don't shove your father.

Sit!

How's Joey?
: : , --] : : ,
Oh, he's sleepin'
like a little angel.

He's got his little face
right down on the mattress,

and his little behind
is smilin' up at ya!

Oh, Archie! Stop it!

Little Joey has the cutest
behind in the whole world!
: : , --] : : ,
I thought you said I had the cutest
little behind in the whole world.

Come on, will ya?
The passing of time.

Every cute little behind has gotta
move over for the next cute little behind.

Even Miss America's
cute little behind.
: : , --] : : ,
She gets that from your
Uncle Clyde, you know that?

Well, what do you think?

Oh, Gloria!

It was expensive, but I
wanna show those girls

that marriage hasn't turned
me into a frumpy housewife.
: : , --] : : ,
Oh, it's gonna show
a lot more than that!
: : , --] : : ,
It's gonna show your bra!

Oh, I'm not gonna wear
a bra with this dress.

Wait a minute there.

With all that
vacancy and no bra,

so what's gonna
be coverin' up the...?
: : , --] : : ,
[SIGHS]

Daddy, I'm not going
to the party topless.

That's worse than topless!

Gonna show all the way from your
cleavage down to your navalage there.

Navalage? What does that mean?

Not to mention your health.
You could get a terrible cold

in the chest, both sides...
Double pneumonia.

[SIGHS]

EDITH: Ooh!

ARCHIE: Whoever that is,
I don't want to see nobody.

GLORIA: It's my house.

Michael! Honey.

Is he loaded?

Did you get mugged again?

Honey, you won't believe it.

Walking just two
blocks from the subway,

I got so pooped, I didn't have
the strength to reach for my keys.

Aw, sweetheart. Are you sick?
: : , --] : : ,
No, I'm okay.

[SIGHS]

Mike, you sound terrible.

I do?

Yeah, I-I am terrible, Ma.
: : , --] : : ,
I think I'll just lie down here
on the couch for a while.

[YAWNS]

Sounds like feedin'
time at the zoo.

Oh, maybe it's your stomach.

Yeah, I bet he had one of them
recycled hotdogs off an umbrella guy.

No, no, no, no. That's not it.

Well, listen. People that go
around eating anything anytime
: : , --] : : ,
are bound to poison
themselves sooner or later.

Well, maybe you're
just run-down.

Yeah, that's it,
Ma. I'm run-down.

Run-down. You
wanna see him run up?

Give him a sh*t of castor oil
and then get out of his way.

Come on, Edith. Come
on. Let's go home.

Well, I hope you
feel better, Mike.

Gloria, thanks for
letting me cook in here.
: : , --] : : ,
Come on, will you?

Oh! Archie, stop that!

Michael?

Michael, honey.
: : , --] : : ,
Oh. Did I doze off again?

Gee, I must be exhausted. Whew!

Did something
happen to you today?

You promise you won't laugh?

I'm not gonna laugh. Tell me.

You know Seymour Larson?

Fat Seymour Larson, yeah.

You're gonna laugh.

I'm not gonna laugh.

He b*at me in a race.

[LAUGHS]

Fat Seymour Larson b*at you?

Yeah. Thanks for not laughing.

[LAUGHING] I can't believe it.
: : , --] : : ,
Fat Seymour Larson b*at you?
: : , --] : : ,
Fat Seymour, yeah.

Boing!

Boing!

I'm sorry, honey. Boy,
are you out of condition.

Yeah?

Ah. You know what your
problem is, don't you?

What?

You don't get enough exercise.

You know, I never
thought of that.

But when do I get a
chance to exercise?

I mean, when I'm in school, I'm
sitting behind that desk all day.

Then when I come home, I just
sit down here and grade papers.

Well, what do the other
guys do for exercise?

Ski.

Uh, they do other
things, too, besides skiing,

but mostly, they do skiing.

As a matter of fact, Leo,
Frank, and Charlie were planning
: : , --] : : ,
a big ski weekend up in Lake
Placid just for the exercise.
: : , --] : : ,
That sounds great. Why don't
you go on a weekend like that?

Well, nah. That'd be
selfish of me. You don't ski.

Well, so what? That doesn't
mean that you can't go, honey.

I'd feel funny.

Oh, honey. That's ridiculous.

It would be good for you to
go skiing with your friends.

Do you really think so?

I insist that you go.

Well, if you insist.

You think I should call Leo
now or put it off for a week?

The sooner the better.
There's the phone.

Maybe you're right.

Honey, you know,
you're the greatest.

Ha ha. Yeah, I know.

I'm startin' to feel
healthy already.

Oh, I'm glad.

I love you. I love you, too.

Uh, hello, Leo.

No, no. That kiss
wasn't for you.

Oh, you want one?
All right. Mwah.
: : , --] : : ,
Listen, uh, Leo.

This doll of a wife of mine
saw the condition that I was in

and she insisted
that I go skiing.

Isn't that right,
honey? Yeah. I insist.

You hear that? She insists.

And listen, Leo. I don't think we
should leave tomorrow morning.

No, I don't want to wake Gloria.

Let's do what Charlie said.
We'll leave tonight, huh?

Tonight?!
: : , --] : : ,
You hear that, Leo?
She insists tonight.

Yeah. So why don't
you round up all the guys

and then just honk the horn
and I'll come right out, okay?

Yeah. Good-bye.

Thank you, honey.
Thank you, thank you...

Michael, Michael, is that
ski weekend this weekend?

Yeah.
: : , --] : : ,
Well, you didn't tell me
that it was this weekend.

Is that important?

Yes! This weekend is Sheila
Tishman's engagement party.

Oh, how... Honey, I'm sorry.

How could I forget that?

That's just terrible of me.
: : , --] : : ,
Look at this. Your best
friend's engagement party,
: : , --] : : ,
and here I am, thinking
about going skiing.

Honey, will you ever forgive me?

It's all right, Michael.
There's nothing to forgive.

Oh, thank you.
: : , --] : : ,
And tell Sheila for me I'm
sorry I missed the party, okay?

Missed it?!
: : , --] : : ,
But Michael, you have known
about this party for over a month now.

I even bought a
dress for it today.

Then why'd you tell me
to call Leo to go skiing?

I didn't tell you to call Leo.

Well, I didn't want to
go. You talked me into it.

I did not!

I don't know how you
worked this thing out,
: : , --] : : ,
but it isn't gonna work.

Gloria, what is more important,

the boring engagement
party or my health?

You're gonna call
Leo back right now

and tell him you're
not going skiing.

I can't do that! He's already
rounding up the guys.

Well, fine then. You can
tell him when he gets here,

'cause if you don't, I will.

Oh, honey, you can't...

I am not going to stand
there in front of my friends

while my mommy tells them
that I can't go out and play.

Why can't you go to
Sheila's party without me?

I wouldn't feel comfortable.

Michael, our marriage is the
only one in our group that's lasted,

and if I walk in to
that party without you,
: : , --] : : ,
people are gonna think
we're having trouble.

We are having trouble!

Huh?

Gloria, look at us.
: : , --] : : ,
Look, we used to be two
individual human beings.
: : , --] : : ,
Remember our marriage ceremony?

The part about having two trees
: : , --] : : ,
not growing in each
other's shadows.

Well, look what's
happened to us.

We've become one
big tree with root rot.

Gloria, every single thing
we do, we do together.

Don't you like doing
things with me?

Of course I like doing
things with you, darling.

It's just that it's unhealthy for two
people to be so dependent on each other.

Oh. So now I'm a sicko because I
want to go to a party with my husband.

You're not a sicko.

It's just that you're afraid to go
any place without your husband.

I'm not afraid to go.
: : , --] : : ,
Then go! Go!

Assert yourself! Get
out in the world, Gloria.

Open a new window.

Life's a ball.

If only you'd know it.

And it's all just
waiting for you.
: : , --] : : ,
You're alive, so
come on and show it.

You've got a
lot of living to do.

You do need a vacation.

You win, Michael. You win.

You go skiing, and I
won't go to the party.

I'll just stay home
here all by myself.

Oh, come on, honey.

If you're gonna be that
way, I won't go skiing.

No. Go, go!

I want you to go.

Okay, you talked
me into it again.

EDITH: Gloria!

Yeah.

I stopped by Cybil's, and she
says you can use her fur jacket.

Thanks, Ma.

Oh, Gloria!

Oh, my. Ain't that beautiful?

Oh, ain't that lov...

Oh, my. I'm glad your father
ain't here to see you in it.

Ah, I don't think I'm gonna go.

Maybe I'm making a
big thing out of nothing,

but I feel weird
going out alone.
: : , --] : : ,
Oh, Gloria, you don't
have to worry about that.

All your friends
are gonna be there.

Yeah, two by two.

And Sheila is expectin' you.
: : , --] : : ,
But, Ma, I'm not
in a party mood.

I think I'm gonna call
and cancel the cab.

Why don't you stay home with me

and we'll watch TV together?

Oh, I can't, Gloria. I'm
expected at the Sunshine Home.

I gotta help Mrs.
Bradley play bingo.

She doesn't need
your help to play bingo.

Oh, yeah, she does.
She broke her hearing aid,

and she can't hear 'em
calling out the numbers.

But look at you.
Your hair is all fixed.

You look gorgeous.
You got a lovely dress on.

You look like a movie star.

Yeah? Who?

Doris Day.

Only without the freckles.

Oh, all right, Ma.

Well, I'll suffer
through it somehow.

While Rock Hudson, the ski bum,

is out there with
the seven-year itch.

Rock Hudson has a rash?

No, Ma. Michael.

And I'm sure that there's
some little snow bunny up there

who'll be real glad
to scratch it for him,

if you catch my drift.

Oh, no, you... [GASPS] Oh, oh.

Oh, no. [STAMMERS]

Oh, no. You mean
Mike? Oh, never.

Well, I'm just not happy
with him going away like this.

Gloria, it's very good for two
people who love each other very much

to get away from each
other once in a while.

Well, all right. I understand,

but what if they made plans
to do something together?

Like did Daddy ever break
an important date with you?

Yeah. Once.

And didn't that make you mad?

No. We just got
married the week later.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Okay. Your babysitter's here.

I can't wait to take a look
at that blond bombshell.
: : , --] : : ,
[GASPS]

[SPEAKS SPANISH]

English! What does
it mean in English?

Nice.

Ay, petito Gloria.

Can I borrow that sometime?

Oh, Teresa, do you think
you'd be able to fill it out in front?

Well, if I'm in a bad mood, no.

But if I'm in a
good mood... yes.

[LAUGHING] Oh.

I never thought of that.

[SIGHS] Maybe I should
let you borrow it tonight.
: : , --] : : ,
You'd probably have
more fun in it than I will.

Oh, Teresa, she don't wanna go.

How can you not
want to go to that party

in this "hello, sailor" dress?

You're going to make
all the men crazy.

[CAR HORN HONKS]

Oh, there's your
cab. Come on, Gloria.

You always say that Sheila
Tishman gives the best parties

every time she gets engaged.

Yeah, but Michael
won't be there.

That's why you're
gonna have a good time.

When the mouse is away,
the pussycat should play.
: : , --] : : ,
[HORN HONKS]

I can just hear what
everybody's gonna say to me.
: : , --] : : ,
"Gloria, where's your husband?"

And I don't know
what I'm gonna tell 'em.
: : , --] : : ,
With that dress, nobody's gonna
be looking for your husband.

Bye! Hurry, chica.

And keep your coat
buttoned up in front.

Look, Ma, this coat...
Oh, good-bye! Bye!

Come on, lady! I don't got
all night! I got other fares!

[HORN HONKS]

[MURMURS] Gloria.

Aah! Aah!

[SHOUTING]

What the hell are you
doing, you crazy idiot?

Teresa! It's me, it's Mike!

I wasn't trying to r*pe you.
I thought you were Gloria.

Mike, what's the
matter with you?

What are you doing here? You're
supposed to be sliding down a mountain.

Well, what are you doing
sleeping on the couch?

I'm babysitting! Where's Gloria?

At a party! She's
still at the party?

Yes. Still?

Yes! Sheesh!

It's : in the morning.

Sheila's party's lasting longer
than most of her marriages.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, thanks again.

It was really sweet of
you to go out of your way
: : , --] : : ,
and drive me
home like that, Pete.

Pete?

My pleasure. Listen,
when can I see you again?

I don't know, Pete. Maybe at
Sheila's next engagement party.
: : , --] : : ,
Pete.

PETE: Well, look,
if you can't come...

GLORIA: Yeah?

Send the dress.

GLORIA: Oh, you sly dog.

Don't worry. I don't
think she likes him.

She called him a dog.

Good night.

Thank you. Thank you, Pete.

Why is it all the great
chicks are married?

Uh, good night, Pete.

Now, you drive home safe.

Night-night. Good night.

Don't let the bedbugs bite!

Aah!

Oh, oh!
: : , --] : : ,
Michael! Oh!

You scared me to death!

Oh! [GRUNTS]

Ow!

What are you doing here?!

Who's Pete?

I didn't expect you
home till tomorrow night.

Who is Pete?!

Oh! What's the matter?
Didn't you have a good time?

No. I had a miserable time,

and that's why I
came home early,

and who is Pete?

Oh, he's a friend of Sheila's.

You know him, Pete Gavaris.

Pete Gavaris?!

You mean that Greek guy
with all the hair on his chest?

Yes.

You mean he drove you home

while you were
wearing that dress
: : , --] : : ,
and he was wearing all
that hair on his chest?!

Well, would you rather
that he wore the dress
: : , --] : : ,
and I had the hair on my chest?

That's not funny!

What were you doing
until : in the morning?

If I may be so
bold as to inquire.

You don't have to think
about it! Give me an answer!
: : , --] : : ,
I was just doing what
you told me to do,
: : , --] : : ,
having fun, asserting myself.

Asserting yourself until
: in the morning?!

Michael, shh.
You'll wake up Joey.

He's my kid! I can
wake him if I want!

Get up!

I don't believe it. I
just made myself dizzy.

Look at me. My
fingers are frostbit.
: : , --] : : ,
My feet are numb.

I cut my weekend short. I ride
home six hours on a smelly bus.

The guy in front of me snored.

The guy behind me was
breathing onions all over me.
: : , --] : : ,
And all the way home, the lady
next to me was going like this.

[SNORTING]

And for what?!

I come home, and my wife is with
some Greek guy with a lot of hair,

doing God knows what!

You're the one who
told me to go to the party!

Well, now I can see
how much you trust me.

Trust you?! Trust you?

You want me to trust you?

Driving home with a man that's
got a bumper sticker on his car

that says, "Honk
if you want it"?!

That's what you
want me to trust?!

What time did you
leave the party?!

I resent this interrogation.
: : , --] : : ,
You don't see me giving you the
third degree about your weekend.

I told you. I had
a miserable time.

Well, I'm sorry you had a
miserable time. Get out of my way.

But that doesn't mean that I
had to have a miserable time, too.

Huh?! Oh, then you
weren't miserable!

That means you had a good time!

Yes! What's wrong with that?

I don't know!

Give me a minute.
I'll think of something.
: : , --] : : ,
Michael, all I did was
exactly what you told me to do.

You remember that, don't you?

Gloria, you've got to
open a new window!

Life's a ball! You've
got a lot of livin' to do!

Well, I went out and I lived
it up! I had a great time!

Why didn't you
have a great time?

I don't know.

Maybe I was feeling guilty
for having tricked you into this.

All I know was that
everybody up at the ski lodge
: : , --] : : ,
was laughing and drinking
and having a good time.

I just... I just
couldn't get with it.

I felt uncomfortable
without you there.

Well, I'm sorry.
: : , --] : : ,
You should have
followed your own advice.

I did.

I missed you.

I missed you, too.

I had a good
time at the party...

but I wish you could
have been there.

Yeah.
: : , --] : : ,
Oh, honey.

Honey.

You had fun with Pete, huh?

Oh, you know Pete. He's
always the life of the party.

Yeah.

Did he try anything?
: : , --] : : ,
Well, to be perfectly
honest... He did?

Well, I stopped him.

How?

Well, every time he started
anything, I just went...

[SNORTING]

[LAUGHS]

I got you! I got you!

♪♪

All in the Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.