08x08 - Archie's Bitter Pill (1)

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Hmm...

"Four-letter Italian word
for goodbye."

Bang. B-A-N-G.

Oh, where the hell
have you been, Manuel?

Manuel.

Whatever.

Took you a whole hour
to deliver two containers
of beer?

That's 'cause
Mrs. Dilson's a widow.

What's a widow
got to do with it?

Well, she didn't want
just beer. She wanted me.

Oh, well, she's a customer,
and you're young.

Where's the money?

She didn't pay nothin'.

Every time I stuck out my hand,
she nibbled on the fingers.

Don't be dirty.

Go in there to the men's room
and take care of the wall.

What's the matter with it?

That poem is back
about the old man in Nantucket.

[PHONE RINGS]

Uh, hello,
Archie's Place--

cold beer on tap,
family atmosphere.

We cater to straights.

How are things
going down there tonight?

Oh, oh, swell.
What a mob.

They're fightin'
for seats here.

Oh, you want me to come down
and help you?

Oh, no, no, no.
I mean, what would you do, huh?

Oh, I could sing.

Well, uh, you see,

we ain't got a musical crowd
here tonight, Edith.

We got mostly artists
and writers.

Hang on just a minute.

Uh, uh, hey, crowd there,
hold it down, will ya?

I'm on the horn here.

Did you hear the way
they quieted down, Edith?

Oh, excuse me.
Hello there, sir.

Come in.
Make yourself at home.
Make yourself at home.

Uh, Edith,
I gotta leave you now.

Uh, a party of six
just strolled in here.

Oh, ain't that wonderful!

That's good, Archie!
Bye-bye!

How's business?

Terrible.

Business is slow, huh?

Oh, well, you know,
the saloon business--

it can get slow
on a Friday night.

Well, why is that?

Well, nobody knows.

Are you the proprietor?

Yeah, yeah.
Archie Bunker's the name.

Good. This is for you.

Oh, what the hell are you?
Some kind of a prostate server?

No, I'm a bill collector.

I'll accept cash
or a cashier's check for
the full amount of $ ,

or your refrigeration unit
will be removed next Wednesday.

Oh, come on, come on!
What are you tryin' to do?
Put me out of business here?

Listen, I mortgaged my house
to buy this joint.

You wanna see me
lose my house?

You're breakin' my heart.

Well, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

All right. I don't want you
to be sorry for me.

But, geez, you gotta
be sorry for kids.

Yeah, how many you got?

Uh, five girls.

All unmarried.
I'll never get rid of them.

Uh, three of them's pregnant,
one of them walks funny,

and the oldest one eats paper.

Are you kidding?

You've got one daughter
named Gloria,
a wife named Edith,

a son-in-law named Meathead.

You work on a loading dock,
you drove a cab nights,
you served in Word w*r II.

Well, you're a pretty good
snoop there.

The only thing you
ain't got is where
the German shrapnel got me.

Left cheek.

That's right.
And it pains me
when winter comes.

So how'd you like to kiss it
and make it better?

Hold it there!
You ain't gonna be
drinkin' in my joint.

You're a spy.
Get out of here.

All right, all right.

Get out!

All right,
don't bother me nothin'.

But we'll see you
next Wednesday.

Yeah, well tell
that company of yours

you can't squeeze blood
out of a tulip!

Hey, that ain't tulip,
that's turnip.

Aw, shut up, you.

What did I do?

Every place I look,
I see an enemy.

Aw, come on, Arch.
I'm a friend, ain't I?

Yeah, you're a friend?
Then prove it. Buy somethin'.

Well, I ain't thirsty.

Ah, you're tellin' me.
I can smell it on your breath.

It's like an old bar towel.

I know where you've been--

with the rest of my ex-friends
at McFeeny's Topless.

No, I wasn't.

Yes, you was.

You love it over there
in dairy land.

Hey, hey, Arch.
Could I have
a glass of water?

A glass of water?
I thought you wasn't thirsty?

Well, after I finish
this egg, I'll be thirsty.

Get out of there!
Get out of there, you!

Hey, Arch, you got
a funny look in your eye.

Yeah, well, you will, too,
if I bust you one.

Hey, use the pay phone,
you freeloader!

Oh, boy, you
really got problems!

Yeah, you're damn right
I got problems.

And you should
have my problems.

I got enough of my own.

You gotta know
how to handle 'em.

Aw, tell me.

Well, whenever things
get serious with me,

[CHUCKLES]
I take one of these.

Pills?

Yeah, pills.

You take dr*gs?

No, not dr*gs! Pills!

My doctor prescribed
these for me.

Your doctor gave you these?

Yeah, sure.
I got plenty of 'em.

He gave 'em to my wife
for a weight problem,

and I take 'em
when I'm depressed.

It's--it's a part
of today, Arch.

Everybody's got 'em
in their medicine cabinet.

Take one. Go ahead.
It'll pick you up.

Aw, no, I read
about these things.

They get you hoppin'
like a jackrabbit
with an inside "hemrood."

Oh, no, not these.

Regular businessmen
take these.

Honest. Truck drivers,
athletes.

How do you think a fullback
gets through a game
with a busted knee?

Team spirit.

Don't you read the papers?

This is team spirit.

Give me one of them.

Now, what are you
tellin' me?

I take one of these and,
in ten seconds, I'm Joe Namath?

Well, in your case,
it'd take a little longer.

But then it'll hit ya.

It'll hit me, huh?

Mm-hmm.

Well--well, what do you mean?
Like, um, vavoom?

More like va-vavoom!

Hi ya, fellas.
I can't stop now,
I'm on my way to the can.

Hold it, hold it.
Hold it there, Barney!

You come into my joint
to use the can?

Listen, I couldn't
make it home from McFeeny's.
I'm up to here in beer.

Hold it, hold it.
Get back here, Barney!

So you take it on at McFeeny's,
and you let it out at Archie's?

You're gettin' more like
your dog Rusty everyday.

That is gross, Arch.

I'll show you what's gross!

Hey, Arch,
what are ya doin'?

There. You wanna see gross!

- Calm down!
Take it easy!
- Aah!

Arch, why are you
throwin' eggs?

'Cause I ain't got no rocks!

Arch, you're losin'
control of yourself.

Take one of these!

Ah, no.

- Go ahead--
- No!

It'll make you feel better!

I'll take the whole
damn bottle of 'em!

No, no, no!
Don't do that.

You'll find yourself
goin' to rock concerts.

Arch, take it easy, will ya?

You keep them.
I got plenty.

I'll just ask my doctor
for some more.

You know, it ain't
the end of the world.

[GROANS]

[SIGHS]

Va-vavoom.

Nothin'.

Hey, Arch, you're
out of paper towels.

Hey, listen, Barney.
The nicest way to dry
your hands

is to wave them
in the breeze as you're
saying good-bye forever!

Oh, boy.
No wonder there's
nobody in the joint.

Look at you!

Ah, well, look at you,
ya fink! Fink off!

This is the last time
I'm gonna use the can
in this joint!

You're still a fink, Barney.

Pick yourself up
off the floor, Arch.

Be a person!

[GAGGING]

Aah.

Aw, geez.

I can't even raise
a lousy va-vavoom.

Va-vavoom!

♪ Well, me name is McNamara ♪

♪ And I'm the leader
of the band ♪

♪ Although we're few in numbers,
we're the finest in the land ♪

♪ Oh, we play at wakes and
weddings and every fancy ball ♪

♪ And when we play at funerals ♪

♪ We play the march--
open the door ♪

♪ Da-da da-da ♪

♪ Open the door ♪

I'm comin', Arch.

♪ Da-da da-da ♪

♪ Take off the chain ♪

♪ Da-da da-da ♪

[SINGING CONTINUES]

♪ Deedle dee dum ♪

Aw! You moved
that hat rack, Edith.

Oh, no, Archie.

Come on to bed.
It's : in the morning.

♪ : in the morning ♪

Oh, no. No, Archie,
I don't want to dance.

♪ You won't dance,
I'll make you ♪

♪ You won't dance,
I'll take you ♪

♪ You won't dance,
oh, yes, you will ♪

Oh, Archie.
Come on, you've got
to get your sleep.

Let's go to bed.

To where?

To bed.

What do you wanna
go to bed for,
you naughty girl ya?

Oh, stop it.

You wanna go to bed?
All right, we'll go to bed.

Bed is better when you wait
a little bit for bed, Edith.

In the meantime,
I'm gonna do somethin'
for you

that I promised to do when we
first moved into this house.

Big surprise.
Close your eyes.
Close your eyes.

- I'll show you.
- Where are you going?

I'll show you.
I'll be right there.

Right there. Close your eyes,
Edith! Close your eyes!

Close your eyes.
Are you ready?

Yeah, I'm ready.

♪ Da-da da da-da ♪

Ha ha!

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna paint the porch.

Oh, Archie, No!

No, not now.
Let's go upstairs.

I'll paint upstairs tomorrow,
the porch tonight!

No, Archie!
You're crazy! Archie.

- It's the middle
of the night!
- Oh, yeah!

- Archie, you're gonna
wake up the neighbors!
- Oh, this is beautiful!

Hi, neighbors!

♪ Hi, neighbors ♪

♪ what do you do,
and what do you say? ♪

Shh!

♪ Hi, neighbors ♪

BARNEY: Keep it down there,
Arch, will ya? It's quarter
to three!

You're on the wrong key there,
Barney, it's...

♪ Quarter to three ♪

♪ There's no one in the joint
here except you and me ♪

Stop it, Archie.

[DOG BARKING]

[INDISTINCT YELLING]

I want to make that
a beautiful chartreuse
there, Edith.

You can do it tomorrow.

- Tomorrow, huh?
- Yeah.

Oh, I see. I see.

I see. You will have
your way with me, huh, woman?

Oh, Arch.

I didn't--

What? If you want me,
you're gonna get me, baby.

Hey!

Hey, hey.
Don't yell headache.

'Cause I'm gonna
cure that headache!

I'm gonna cure
that headache!

EDITH: Archie! Breakfast!

Tomorrow, Edith!

It's hotcakes and sausage,
and if you don't come
right away,

it'll be cold cakes
and sausage!

What's Archie doin'
out on the porch?

I hope he's not
paintin' it again.

Oh, no, he only paints
after midnight.

The worse business
is at the bar,

the crazier he gets.

Hey, boss man.

Come here,
come here, come here.

Did you meet Hank?

Yeah.

Well, you got
the P-I-L-Zs?

Tsk.

You know, Mr. Bunker,
you're a lucky man.

You don't have to
hang around schoolyards
to pick up your junk.

Hey, listen,
this isn't junk to me.

I can quit anything,
anytime.

That's what my cousin
said about wearin' dresses.

Now he's a majorette
in the school band.

It's : .
Go down and open the saloon.

I'll be right there after ya.
Hurry up!

Hurry up! Hurry up!

[CLEARS THROAT]

All right, Edith, now I gotta
get right down to the business.

I gotta go.

But come on and have
your hotcakes and sausage.

Wh-Where's my cigars?
Cigars, cigars, cigars?

Over there. Archie,
you can't go to work
on an empty stomach.

Yeah, well,
I don't want nothin'.

Oh, come on,
you gotta eat somethin'.

I'll eat my cigars.

- Oh, Archie.
Eat your pancakes.
- No, no!

MICHAEL: Come on. Eat.

No, no, no, no, no.

I got no use for food.
You know somethin'?

The world eats too much
that I might kick food. Yeah.

[ALL YELLING]

Leave me alone.
I don't want to argue.

I don't want to argue!
You want me to eat?
All right, I'll eat!

There. There.

[DOOR CLOSES]

That man is on something.

Bananas.

He's on bananas?

Oh.

Oh, n--

Oh, my.

Big crowd tonight, boss.

I guess you can
handle it yourself, huh?

Yeah, sure, sure. Yeah.

Thanks for the night off.

What night did we say?

Tonight.

This week?

Hey, chief,
are you all right?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm all right.
Yeah, I'm all right.
I'm all right.

Look--look, just say
the word and I stay.

No, no, no. You go on.
You got a date.

Your girl's
gonna be sore at ya.

No, no.
She'll understand.

I'll tell her
somebody stabbed me.

No, no, no. Don't do that.
No, never lie.

If there's one thing you're
gonna learn workin' for me,

it's that a good man
never lies.

Look it, boss, I'm worried
about them fireballs you've
been poppin'.

And with the booze, too.
The way you've been goin',

you're goin' to be
the first bartender
on the moon!

Who the hell are you?
Ralph Nuder?

Come on now, asta bananas
to ya. Go on, go on, go on.

- Hi, Daddy.
- Hey, Arch.

Hi, Archie.

- Hi, Manuel.
- Hello, Manuel.

Look who's here--
your family.

Yeah, just the three of us
stopped by to say hello.

Just me and Gloria
and Mike.

Yeah, well, I noticed you
comin' in the door there.

So, what, did you come
to spy on the old man, huh?

[ALL MAKING EXCUSES]

We wanted a drink.

Yeah, that's it.
We wanted a drink.

I'll have a scotch
on the rocks.

Bourbon on the rocks.

Pepsi on the rocks.

Well, all right, go ahead,
go ahead. Sit down, sit down.

Let's go sit over here.

Here, Mike, sit here.

Sure.

I mean, it's all right.
It's nice to see ya.

I mean, I--I'm glad
to see you all comin'
in this way, you know.

I suppose
lookin' around, uh,

you can kinda tell
that business ain't too--
what do you call it?

quick tonight, you know.

But, uh, in the
saloon business,

the Saturday nights
can be slow.

Really?

Why is that?

Uh, nobody knows.

But that's okay,
I ain't worried.

You know, uh, that happens.

Uh, business will pick up.
See, I ain't worried about
nothin'.

There ya are. Pepsi there.
There's a bourbon for you.
Scotch for you.

Aren't you gonna
have somethin'?

Oh, no, I--I never touch
nothin' strong on the job.

Drink up.

Here's to Archie's Place.

Yeah. Here, here, Daddy.

Well, listen, you know,
I ain't perfect.

I--I make a mistake
here and there.

For instance, you know,
buying the place and maybe,
uh--uh,

my mind chewed off more
than a mind should bite.

But, hey, listen.
I was reading the paper
the other day

and seen an ad in the paper
for one of these guys they
call efficiency experts.

An efficiency expert
is a guy who works out
a system of things.

Systems, see?
Systems for doin' things
the right way.

See? So I figure
I'll answer that ad

and get one of them
efficiency experts guys
to show me the system.

And I'll listen
to that guy, see?

I will listen to that guy!

Well, that makes sense.
Doesn't it, Ma?
It makes sense.

Michael, doesn't that
make sense? Michael?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, damn right it makes--
a system makes sense, see?

And, uh, once I get
on the system here,

then the place
will start to hum.

[HUMMING]

See?

And one saloon, hey,
one saloon could be two.

Two is better than one.

And why not three?
Three's better than two.

But I'll tell ya
what's best of all--

a whole string of saloons.

See, a whole string
of them there.

They could be novelty joints,
they could be specialty joints.

You know I was thinkin'
curb service. You know,
you've seen curb service.

Well, maybe have
a curb service there.

Not maybe. The hell with it,
I mean we'll have
a curb service there!

And what about the motel, see?

Now, you've all seen
a bar in a motel.

But whoever heard
of a motel in a bar?

Aah.

Hey, you sell 'em all they
want to drink there,

then you charge 'em
to sleep it off in the back.

I even got a name for that--

Booze 'n Snooze.

Booze 'n Snooze,
Booze 'n Snooze, huh?

- Nice.
- Hey, yeah.

Hey, that's the way
to success.

So--so even when you're down
a little bit there,

a little success, see,
and you're right up again.

You know what I mean? Huh?

- Daddy, that's--sure.
- Sure?

- Sit down, Archie.
- Yeah, yeah, let me sit down.

Well, did you hear
about McDonald's?
You know, McDonald's.

The hamburger guy McDonald!
All right, now, what the hell
was McDonald

but just a guy
like me starting out
with a shack and a hotplate

and a couple of pounds
of raw meat. That's all.

Now the guy's a
multi-billionaire.

He's so rich, he don't have
to eat his own hamburger
for the rest of his life.

Huh? Huh?

Oh, geez, look at this.

See, the flower's
gone out of there.

So, hey, McDonald, he's big.
Yeah, but he ain't the only guy.

McDonald's with his arches,
see? McDonald's arches.

What about Archie's arches?

See? Archie's golden arches.
Archie's arches, huh?

Does that sound good?

There'd be a sign up there, see?
"Over one billion belts of
booze, boy"

Hey, that's good.
Say that fast.

A billion belts of booze, boy.
Say that fast. Say it, say it,
say it!

ALL: One billion belts
of booze, boy.

Say it faster than that!
A billion belts of booze, boy.

A billion belts of booze, boy.
Yeah, see?

Say belts of booze--
And people will be trying
to say that all over.

They'll have it
on the television
quiz shows, you know?

Say it fast.
Billion belts of booze, boy.

And a group of businesses--
a better business.

Business better,
better business.
Say that, Edith.

Better business,
business better.

Yeah, better business, see?

And then, you know what?

I see there also
gas stations, see?

But that ain't a gas station,
'cause the pumps, they ain't
pumpin' gas.

Ah ha ha.

They ain't pumpin' gas.

You know what
them pumps are pumpin'?

There's a pump for bourbon.

A pump for scotch.

And then there's
a premium pump, little girl.

You know what the premium pump
is pumpin' there?

Champagne. Huh? Huh?

- What beautiful ideas, Daddy.
- They're terrific, huh?

Oh, look.

There ain't
no flower in that.

Here.

Archie, why don't you
close up and come on home?

Home, home!
Home is wherever
the operation is.

The operation can go anywhere
all over the world, Edith.

The operation can go to,
uh, Russia, China, huh?

Even to the North Pole,
where you got free ice cubes
all around you there, huh?

Um, Arch, what do you
say I help you close up
for tonight, huh?

Close up is to close down!
Close down is to go bust.

You don't do that.
You stay open all the time.

Archie's will be
open all the time.

You start off this way.
Here's the scam.

One bar here, see?
One bar in Queens.

And then from Queens,
then you spread out.

You see here?

Hey, Edith, here.

Hey, take the flower from there
and put it in here.

And then you spread out.
You go up to Jersey.

What the hell
am I talkin' about?

I hate Jersey all my life.
I don't want to go to Jersey.

We'll go to Connecticut, see?

Up there with all the swells
in Connecticut.

And then when the winter time
comes along, the swells all go
down to Florida.

You move the operation
down to Florida with them,

because anything
that goes big in Florida,

boy, that's big
every place, see?

The whole thing down there.

The curb service
down there, see?

And the Booze 'n Snooze there.

Billion belts of booze, boy.
And all of that.

And the pumps with the bourbon
and scotch and champagne!

You'd make a million there,
Edith, you know?

You'd make a million there.

Oh, hey, hey,
don't look like that.
I know what I'm doin'.

I know what I'm doin', Edith.

Yeah.

Well.

I--I don't know
what I'm doin' at all.

I--I don't--I don't know
what I'm doin' here.

I--I--I tried, Edith, you know.

And Lord knows I try.

But I was wrong, I--I
should have listened to you,
darling, you know.

You told me
not to open up no bar.

But I wanted it...to be
somethin' big, you know?

But the hell with it I guess.

I'm just a...a working man.

That's all I'll ever be.

But I didn't mean
no harm, Edith.

I didn't mean no harm.

It's all right, Archie.

I didn't mean no harm, Edith.

Everything's gonna
be all right, Archie.

[CRYING]

I didn't mean no harm, Edith.

I didn't mean no harm.

[♪♪♪]

ANNOUNCER: All in the Family
was recorded on tape before
a live audience.